This topic, unfortunately, becomes more and more prevalent, and more and more of an issue for us today. It’s come up so many times, I’ve heard it so many times, and it’s such an issue that I felt I should share some thoughts on this uncomfortable subject.
I believe I was 12 when my parents had “the talk” with me. It still stands out as undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. I wonder if most people remember that talk.
It’s a joke between Beth and I that I won’t have any part of the talk when it comes time for my kids to have it. Of course, I’ll have to be there… I think. Back turned. Pretending like it’s not happening. Preferably at a couch watching TV while it happens behind me in the kitchen, just like my dad did it.
I don’t like talking about any of that stuff. This expands to a lot of areas. I used to joke constantly with Beth that I wouldn’t be in the delivery room. Of course, I was there. I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I anticipated. Maybe I’m getting older or something, or potentially the life-altering magnitude of the moment got to me, who knows.
This is why I’m shocked, myself, that I’m writing down these thoughts. Maybe I’ll even share them. I’m writing them because I think I have a perspective to share that could maybe help others. I think I’m writing it because I believe it might be good to talk about these things more, as much as I hate it. There’s some power in putting uncomfortable topics out in the open.
Pornography is a plague that is killing young boys, adolescents, teenagers, and adults. It is destroying boys and men alike. Lust is an extraordinarily powerful tool for Satan to use. I am emphasizing males. I don’t do this to imply females have zero trouble with this topic. They do. I focus on males because I think it’s obvious that it’s a bigger issue for males than females.
Beth and I have had some candid discussions about the differences between men and women. Beth has been a firm believer in the idea that men must control their minds and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to control a man’s mind by dressing modestly, etc. I think I’ve opened Beth’s mind a bit to how different boys/men are to girls/women. On that note, I think Beth has learned how difficult it is to be a boy. Especially a teenage boy, nowadays. The hormones of a teenage boy are a force to be reckoned with.
Now, this is in no way a post about how guys don’t need to control their thoughts or what’s in their pants. The exact opposite, actually. I should start by saying this: every man is capable of controlling themselves. I have friends who have gone from struggling mightily with pornography to going a year without viewing anything. It is possible. Not only is it possible, it’s liberating, it’s empowering. You can learn that no part of your body controls you. Your mind and soul control you. Once you realize this truth, unlimited power, your mind, is at your disposal.
There is never an excuse to let your mind wander and start to misuse women, even in our thoughts. Christ spoke of this often (Matthew 5:28).
However, I want to note and emphasize how difficult it is for our young men growing up today. How difficult it is to be a teenage boy. Again, I don’t write this to excuse the behavior. I write this, in part, for every woman that judges a man without having any comprehension of what it’s like to be a man. The difficulty of being a man is multiplied ten-fold for teenage boys.
There needs to be some patience and understanding from women about men. There are so many things we (men) have no clue about women. The same can be said for women understanding men. The simple fact is many women have no idea what it’s like to be a man.
Temptation is everywhere. Any billboard, movie, tv show, commercial, picture, image on the internet, person on the street, app on a phone, song lyric, the list goes on, can trigger immoral thoughts. Often mundane and only slightly sexual things in nature can lead to instant feelings of temptation and immoral thinking. We as men are programmed with this gift and curse. Gift because it can lead to a love, respect, admiration, desire, etc. for women. Curse for the other obvious reasons. As Boyd K. Packer said to all young men, “Your body is the instrument of your mind and the foundation of your character. It has within it powers which, if properly used, will contribute greatly to your exaltation. If you use this gift worthily, it will serve you throughout all eternity.”
The challenge for teenage boys is feeling ashamed of these things. Once too much shame sets in, young boys will naturally resort to privately giving into temptations, and then feel dirty and wrong when they do it. It is wrong. But the dirty part is tricky, because it’s a part of us. It’s something that needs work to control. The most important thing is to always come back to Heavenly Father and always try to be better. The worst thing that can happen is a young boy turning inward and feeling overwhelming guilt, shame, and embarrassment about these urges. You can turn away from God, but He doesn’t want that.
I have heard of eternal companionships ending over “pornography addiction.” This makes me so sad. I’m sad for the woman, who has given up on a man who has the potential to change. For every woman judging their husband too harshly, give our boys, and yes, even our men, a chance. It is hard being a boy. It is so hard being a boy today. Pornography is everywhere, it is accessible, it is easy. This doesn’t mean you don’t need to be loved by your husband or that him watching pornography is ok. But your relationship can be made so much stronger if you embrace this challenge, support, and uplift him through it. Instead of judging, think how hard this might be for the man. Think how ashamed he might feel. Then show compassion and help him.
Women: help men, stop judging them and deciding you’re unsafe, or they are evil, or they are wrong for this difficult challenge they must face. “In sickness and in health.” Does this not apply to someone going through a personal struggle? “For time and all eternity.”
I mentioned an example of someone that struggled, as in, pornography multiple times a day, every day. His situation was handled in three easy steps:
- He talked to his wife. He told her he had a problem and needed help.
- He talked to church leaders.
- He talked to a couple friends and got support to help him through it.
Additional thoughts for these three points.
ONE is not possible if his wife is going to be irrational, uncaring, or judgmental. This friend was supported by a loving wife who understood that he was a phenomenal person who had a challenge he had to deal with. She was proud of him for having the courage to come to her. She was involved in the rest of the plan (steps two and three).
TWO took courage. Kudos to anyone strong enough, and self-aware enough, to talk to their church leaders, openly confess, and start themselves on a path of improvement.
Finally, THREE did not involve overbearing, controlling, constant checking in. A couple friends held him accountable. They didn’t judge him. They didn’t harass him. They didn’t stalk him. They trusted that the struggling friend would come to them when he needed support.
A year later, the struggling friend has slowly moved towards complete abstinence from pornography. This wouldn’t have been possible without a loving, supportive group around him.
For those struggling with this issue, I should add an important, recent note from this friend. When talking about my own, unrelated to pornography, bad habit, this friend told me: “Don’t give an inch when it comes to abstinence. Not saying you and *activity are the same as me and porn, but to stay clean I have to shut all forms of lewdness out, not just specifically porn and rationalize bikini pics as not porn since there is no nudity.”
I have a female friend who once told me her husband had an intense pornography addiction. It was debilitating and affected his everyday life. It was so bad he didn’t keep a cell phone. At all. To remove the opportunity, he got rid of his cell phone. Some might say “this is weak, just control it.” I say, sometimes admitting we are weak is the greatest strength. I admire this “sacrifice” for ultimate well-being.
Do you need someone’s computer password sometimes? Do you need to monitor them, watch over them, keep them more accountable? Maybe….
Even as I type that word, “maybe,” I think I totally disagree. What’s the point of abstaining if it’s through forced, agency removed, babysitting behavior? I’ve provided all the “men have it hard” points so now it’s time for the tough love. If you need to monitor every move your husband makes because he has a “pornography addiction” then he’s never going to grow and learn to control himself. If you need all his passwords, accounts, and computers checked each day, then he isn’t learning self-control, he’s learning to be controlled.
God has given us our agency and sometimes you need to buck up and be accountable for your behavior. No babysitters. No hand holding. Maybe that stuff can help in the beginning but ultimately, if a man can’t be accountable to himself, then you can’t watch him every day.
“A young man (every man) should learn to rule his body. Like his temper, he should keep it always under complete control.”
Boyd K. Packer
Being surrounded by a supportive group is vastly different from being surrounded by prison guards.
Using the example of the friend who has gone a year without pornography, the first step was him realizing “I have a problem.” That is always the most difficult thing. The world will have you think pornography is a part of life and it’s just “boys being boys.” The natural man is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19), the world would have you stay being the natural man. I was always caught telling myself I’m doing ok because I only give in once a week or once a month. It took a while for me to realize I could be so much better than that. Many reading this will scoff at this religious idea of self-control and abstinence. They’ll say it’s natural, and we were built this way, built to give in to our urges. I’ve had conversations with many close friends who ridicule the very notion of self-control when it comes to pornography. As I’ve mentioned, yes, these urges are natural, but to become like God we must learn to control our very natures.
When I was away from the church giving into my temptations was a more often occurrence, though I always felt the guilt. That is a problem facing much of the world – the removal of guilt. I never felt good after giving in. It was the complete opposite feeling to reading a good book, reading scripture, conversing in prayer, that I now experience today.
As I returned to church this habit lingered, pestered me, persisted. There have been many examples in my return to church of me slowly weeding out old activities. One example is playing basketball on Sunday. I rationalized it was good to play basketball Sunday mornings because it kept me from doing what I used to do on Saturday nights. Similar thinking came with pornography.
As I immersed myself in scripture, prayer, church activity, these temptations lessened, though they never did, and I don’t know if they ever will, completely leave. I’ve always found that the busier I am with good, wholesome activities, the easier it is to avoid.
Early on I would set goals. I would make a “promise” to myself to go a week, then two weeks, then a month. I wasn’t always perfect. But early on it made me realize the real issue this was. If I slipped up, not only was I making a mistake, but I also broke a promise to myself and to Heavenly Father. That taught me early on to continue to fight to improve.
One of my favorite books, Visions of Glory, talks about pornography in an interesting way. It pointed out that the “act” was an inherently selfish act. It took out intimacy and effort. It gave instant, personal gratification. Visions of Glory portrayed a graphic image of the demons that thrive on us in our weakest moments. It painted a picture of evil, deprived spirits feasting on our lusts when we give in to them. It’s an image I’ve used to fight these temptations.
Another tool I’ve used that is kind of silly, but I really think works is, when I get those thoughts or ideas, if possible, I will say out loud, “Not today, Satan. You can send your minions home. You’re not winning today.” It’s strange to say, but I think there is real power in this. There’s something about telling Satan you won’t let him win. Obviously, the real power comes with prayer.
As I said, this struggle may never completely go away. It’s ok to talk about it. I think we should be more willing to admit that we have faults, sometimes we slip up, and then to pick ourselves back up.
Finally, I’d like to discuss my thoughts on repenting through these mistakes. I’m hopeful writing my thoughts out will help me understand how I feel about this, as it’s something I truly struggle with – the guilt of slipping up and making a mistake. It’s difficult to desperately want to be “perfect” and to constantly fall short. We all experience this. It is in no way exclusive to lust or pornography. This is about sin in general.
I’ve found that it’s critical for me not to kick myself too hard while I’m down, after I make a mistake. This inevitably makes it harder to repent. Sometimes I don’t even want to kneel and ask forgiveness because I feel so hypocritical. How can I repent for something I’ve done 100 times? Does God even respect me at that point? The answer is, whether or not God respects me, He loves me. That’s so much more comforting.
Telling us not to repent, that we’re hypocrites, and we’re unworthy of forgiveness is a tool of Satan we must avoid. God always wants us to repent. I will say this again with emphasis: GOD ALWAYS WANTS US TO REPENT. There is no time, ever, that God wants us to feel such guilt that we can’t come to him. Hypocrite or not. We can’t be fooled in those greatest moments of weakness to think that God does not want us to come to him meekly, humbly, and ask for forgiveness. Christ’s Atonement covers all. I know He wishes us always to use the gift He freely gave to us. Especially when it’s hard, humbling, and humiliating.
That said, we must take our sins seriously. It can’t be a cavalier, “well I did it again.” Get on your knees, say sorry, do it again tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Look in your heart and find the sorrow for what you’ve done. I’ve found it helpful to break down into great detail why what I did was wrong. Who am I hurting? That’s often myself. Who could I hurt? Who am I objectifying and how are my actions showing a disrespect to God’s extremely sacred gifts? Sin is not a joke, and we must never treat it as such.
To the lovely, strong, beautiful women of the world – please, be patient with us. It’s harder to be a man than you will ever know, just as it’s harder (in different ways) to be a woman than we’ll ever know.
I’d like to thank Beth for her help in preparing this post. Never has something I’ve written required so much editing, and she was critical in that. I’m grateful for a wife that understands these things and whom I can talk candidly to about these topics. Beth and I have had many of these conversations. I’ve never felt judged by my wife. In fact, discussions with her help me to go easier on myself and feel her support. That is empowering and has helped me to be a better man. I couldn’t be that, a better man, without her support.
