*I wrote this to my wife when she lost her family dog and best friend of the previous 12 years.*
You sent a dog to save a girl. I have never gotten a full story. I’ve never heard a full account. I have seen the love in her eyes. I’ve seen her hug and care for and love a creature with so much love. It’s love I know she’ll one day pour out upon a child tenfold. It’s maybe what drew me to her in the first place. Her obvious ability to love and care for others. She will be an amazing mother partly due to a dog.
I’ve only known that dog to be old. I’ve only known the whines and the cries. The confusion. From my eyes he has been ready for a long while. But he wouldn’t let her go. He knew she still needed him. I saw a puppy in pictures. I saw a puppy in her eyes every time she laid with him and pet his curly black fur. I saw love for a dog that never left her. I saw my wife, with so much capacity to love, unable to stop loving a dog that couldn’t stop loving her.
I never heard of every night. I know they existed. The nights that she cried. The nights she felt so alone. The nights that she thought, “why did I upend my life, to what end?” I know there were many tear-filled nights. I had to go through the same. I had a roommate and a best friend some of those nights, so I know. I know what comfort is in those moments. I know that on every tear-filled night there was a furry, black, kind creature that wouldn’t leave her side. I know this because I’ve seen the love she holds for an animal that saved her life.
I will never understand the full extent of the bond between my wife and this dog. I’ve only seen an animal that can hardly see or move, let alone play. I see the love in her eyes, and I know he used to play. He always comforted. He was always there for her.
Now his time has come. I know this will be one of the hardest things my wife ever goes through. Maybe the hardest thing since she changed her whole life to come back home. He was there for her then. He can’t be there for her anymore. I know he’s been waiting. He’s been waiting for me. I now must replace the perfect, never ending, never ceasing, never decreasing love and devotion of your creature. He wouldn’t leave her. Now he must. I’ll love her and care for her to the best of my ability. I hope to come close to the love of a dog for his girl.
I don’t know where my wife would be without a fluffy, black dog. I don’t know if I ever would have met her. In a million ways we would have never crossed paths. If not for a dog, she wouldn’t be in my life. If not for the many nights of comfort when she didn’t know if she could do it. If not for every time he nuzzled her tears and begged for a pat on the head. If not for his love, who knows where my wife would be?
You knew my wife needed a dog. You sent the perfect one.
Now it’s his time to move on. I’m sure it means there’s a child or an individual who needs him more. You sent an angel in a fluffy, black, four-legged body to bring light to a home and to a young girl. Now he’s needed elsewhere. I pray only that I can love her as he loved her. Support her as he supported her. Comfort her as he comforted her.
You are a Father who loves us so much. You send creatures to save our lives. You love us in many ways, including through the loving eyes of a puppy.
I was once asked a question I surprisingly had never truly dived into. What was different about the first time I met with the bishop when coming back to church? Why did I come back?
I’ve written about some of the coincidences leading to me getting to the Bishop’s office and ultimately coming back to church. But how did I stay? Coming back once, for a fleeting moment of revival, that’s easy. What really brought me back?
I wrote in The Inspiration about cancelling that first appointment with the bishop. That appointment eventually got rescheduled.
I remember walking into Bishop Thurston’s office. It was a small room, like most bishop’s offices. I believe there was a picture of the First Presidency, and Christ. At other points in my life both pictures might have made me feel uncomfortable, unworthy, judged. Maybe not the picture of Christ. His image has always brought me warmth, if not alongside guilt.
First Presidency February 2008 – January 2018
I remember being so nervous. What were we going to talk about? It had been almost 10 years since I sat in a bishop’s office. Was he going to grill me? Was I going to have to confess all my sins? Was this going to be a moment I looked back on in disgust? Was he going to judge me? Was he going to wonder what brought this messed up individual into his office?
And then he smiled. He shook my hand.
If you’ve seen the smile of Kody Thurston, you know it. If you’ve seen the smile of a loving bishop anywhere in this world, you know this smile. They’re the same anywhere.
He asked me to sit and I believe he offered the prayer. Then we started to talk. I remember not knowing what to do with my hands, I was fiddling with them in my lap. I remember looking down a lot. Every time I looked up he would be looking right at me.
We talked about where I’d been, where I was going, my family. We got to know each other. I don’t remember much about the exact conversation. I do remember what I didn’t feel, judged.
Then he asked the question, I think it was, “Do you have anything you need to talk about?” It was a loaded question, but it didn’t feel like it. I knew if I said no he would move on.
I had come into that room with zero intention of confessing my sins and opening my heart to a stranger. Then this strange thing happens in a room with a person who has been sent and commissioned by Jesus Christ for this very purpose. There’s a feeling in a room when the spirit is there. It’s overwhelming. I didn’t say much. I implied some things; I got some things off my chest. He didn’t ask much. He moved forward. That’s what I remember. Moving forward.
I talk about no coincidences. I know it wasn’t a coincidence that I came back at that time. Maybe it’s an excuse for me taking so long, but I know that God knew who and what I needed when I came back. I firmly believe that God waited until I was ready and put Bishop Thurston in a position to be there when I was ready. I don’t think I would have made it without him.
When I was getting ready to leave, he said he wanted to see me again soon, within the week. He told me to reach out to his assistant and schedule it soon. He told me to tell his assistant to make it happen in the next week no matter what, even if I had to come to his house. That’s another thing I’ll never forget. Come to his house? Why did this stranger want to see me again so soon?
I was once asked what made me come back? Love. Love made me come back. I knew when I left that office, without a shadow of a doubt, that the stranger I just met cared about me so deeply. Is that something I could know? I guess not, I couldn’t know it. He could have been faking it. The reason it has stuck with me, and the reason I came back, is because it wasn’t something I knew, it was something I felt. Like testimony or faith, it was something I couldn’t deny and something I’ll never forget. At the end of that meeting I felt like I’d just met somebody who would do anything in his power, anything he possibly could, to help me. I felt the love of Jesus Christ for me, displayed through this stranger so potently, with such power.
I left that office feeling good. I’ll admit something. I tried to keep it together. I really tried. I drove away from the building. I pulled over within a minute. I cried and I cried. It was like the love I wouldn’t allow myself to feel Christ giving me for so long poured over me with such intensity. I cry today thinking about it.
Those first few weeks coming back were really hard. Really, really hard. When it got to feel like too much to continue on that path, like I couldn’t do it, I thought about the love I felt that day. I thought about that little bishop’s office where I felt something, and my heart changed. I thought about the moment in my car after. I realized I never wanted to be without that love, ever again. That’s what brought me back and kept me coming back.
I was reading Jacob chapter 4 in the Book of Mormon recently and something struck me. One small statement in one verse:
“Behold, my beloved brethren, I will unfold this mystery unto you; if I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you.”
Let me repeat that…
“…if I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you.”
How could Jacob, the great prophet and brother of Nephi, be shaken from his firmness in the Spirit? He says right there at the end – anxiety for you.
I’d like to expound upon an emotion that can really and truly harm us – fear.
Jacob is clear with this statement. Fear can shake us from the Spirit, from revelation, from God.
Fear is a tool of Satan. I feel a need to write this right now. The world is increasingly fearful. At this moment, amid this virus, fear is rampant. Satan reigns. The Earth is his kingdom. He has put fear into the hearts of almost all men and women.
We see it everywhere. Just look at the empty shelves in the grocery store.
What other examples of fear do we have in scripture?
There was Moses with the Israelites at the Red Sea with Pharaoh bearing down on them. The Israelites feared and Moses told them, “Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, The Lord shall fight for you.” The Lord then spoke to Moses, “Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.”
There was Alma the Younger as told in the Book of Mormon. He was gripped by fear and despair. He thought of that one name, that one being that could save him. Jesus Christ. Immediately, he was released from his despair.
Satan immediately attacked Moses after his great vision of eternity. Moses 1:20 reads,
“And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear he saw the bitterness of hell. NEVERTHELESS, calling upon God, he received strength.”
Finally, there was Joseph Smith in a quiet, peaceful grove. Satan came for him and he feared. But Joseph fought and called upon God. As the light of God and Jesus Christ descended upon Joseph the darkness retreated.
Notice the pattern here. Satan has a tendency to attack before great things are to happen. So, when you feel that fear and it feels like the jaws of hell are opening to overtake you, and you just can’t take anymore because it has become too much to bear, remember the light that will follow. Once Satan starts his all-out attack we will know the earth-shattering miracles are coming. Satan is attacking. Light is coming.
I feel it’s important for us to keep our hope. Recently, amidst all this craziness, I had a moment of fear. My heart was beating and I was worrying about the future. Then I stopped. I reminded myself that I have known these sorts of events were coming. I’ve been blessed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ to know that these events have been foretold for thousands of years. I’m not saying this is the end. But if it were, what does that mean? It means Christ is coming back.
DO NOT let fear overtake you. Whatever point in history we’re at, whatever is next, we know we’ll be okay. We know it will work out the way God intends. What a comfort that is.
Fear is of Satan, not of God. If we let fear overtake us, we are letting Satan overtake us.
Even if a gun is to your head, take comfort. Because of Christ’s eternal atonement and sacrifice you can always take comfort. The worst case is you return to your Maker and see your Savior. In these times, don’t forget the most important thing. Don’t forget Him. Don’t deny Him. Christ never denied you. The WORST thing that could happen is going home to Him. Is that really the worst thing? Take comfort, and fight fear. Don’t let Satan win your heart. Now, more than ever, we must be strong, faithful, and keep hope. Keep Christ in your heart. When that fear intrudes, kneel and pray.
You will feel Him and fear will leave. I promise.
Fear not, the Lord fights for you. Move forward with faith. Look to Christ as your salvation. Call upon God and you will receive strength.
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No Coincidences 