No Coincidences

Tag: Bishop

  • Listen, Learn, Love

    Listen, Learn, Love

    I recently listened to an episode from a podcast called Listen, Learn Love.  This podcast has opened up my ways of thinking on a few topics.  The episode I listened to recently I basically want to summarize (steal) because the points made are so simple, so well-said, and so true. 

    Here is a link to the website for the podcast if you want to learn more: https://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

    The episode I recently listened to that I’m writing thoughts on here is episode 2 and can be found if you search for podcast “Listen, Learn, and Love.”

    The podcast is hosted by Richard Ostler.  He is a former Young Single Adult Ward Bishop.  He has now done 334 episodes of his podcast which “was created out of the desire to better understand our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.  We believe in God and in His decree to love one another.” – from the mission statement on the website. 

    Episode 2 does not focus on the LGBTQ+ topic which I feel is an extremely important topic in the church.  Still, this episode is also important and I learned a lot from it.

    The topic was faith-crisis.  Whether minor or major, any faith crisis is difficult to go through.  When I was returning to church my uncle said something that has stuck with me.  He said he wouldn’t wish the losing of faith on his worst enemy.  You can lose cars, homes, family, money, everything in this world, but losing your faith is the hardest thing that a person can possibly go through.

    As I continue to write I will be presenting many ideas that came directly from Brother Ostler.  Please listen to the episode.  For ease of writing, I won’t reference Brother Ostler in everything I’ll continue to say. Just know most of these thoughts came directly from him, and I hope to re-state them without taking too much away from them.

    In my writing, I often refer to “The Church.” When I say this I am referring to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Something I’d never considered is how important it is to clarify what we mean when we say, “The Church.” The Latter-day Saint Church could mean different things to different people.

    A couple categories for “The Church” are

    1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
      • This was described beautifully by Brother Ostler as a pristine, clear-watered pool.  No murkiness.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect in every way. This hasn’t been completely revealed yet.
    2. The restored Church of Jesus Christ.
      • It has the restored priesthood and priesthood keys. Ideally, this would be perfect.  I think we sometimes confuse this category with the next category I’ll mention.  The restored Church of Jesus Christ should be perfect.  The problem is, as we know, Christ must use fallible men and women to run His church.
    3. The institutional church.
      • This is where we get into a flawed organization. The institutional church has many people, programs, and policies that are meant to implement the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The institutional church is run by men and women and therefore has flaws.  Christ guides the institutional church, but people make mistakes. Brother Ostler points out in the podcast that as a YSA Bishop he was a part of the institutional church and he knew he made mistakes as a Bishop, a leader in the church.

    Much of the hurt that comes into the souls of God’s children is caused by the institutional church.  It is critical to not confuse “The Church” the institution with the pure and perfect Gospel of Jesus Christ.

    A faith crisis is a serious event that can happen to anybody. You can’t always read and pray a faith crisis away.  We are here to develop faith and while here our faith will be tested.  Sometimes to the very brink.  It’s important to get our roots in the correct place.  Is your faith in a bishop?  It shouldn’t be, it should be in Jesus Christ.  The best bishop in the world can let you down.  Jesus Christ can not.

    The fourth article of faith: “We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: FIRST, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

    The Articles of Faith can be read here.  I invite everyone to read and focus on the first four articles of faith in the Restored Church of Jesus Christ.  You’ll notice not only is Jesus Christ’s name in the name of the Church, but that He is referenced three times in the first four articles. 

    Our foundation must be on Christ.

    Brother Ostler talked about the Policy Statement of 2015 and how it created a “mini faith crisis” for him.  These were changes made by the institutional church and have since been reversed.  He talked about how difficult that was for him, personally.  He is not the first person I’ve heard that was impacted in a sad, difficult way by those changes.  He emphasized that the brethren (leaders of the church) were doing their best.  Brother Ostler referred to dominoes, and how the policy statements started to make dominoes fall in his faith.  What saved Brother Ostler’s faith was that all his dominoes didn’t fall.  As he stated so perfectly, some of his dominoes had roots to the center of the earth and couldn’t be shaken.  He referenced Jesus Christ, priesthood blessings, and temples as the foundation of his faith.

    The 2015 Policy Statement is a good example of what separates the institutional church from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The institutional church can and does make mistakes. Jesus Christ does not reverse. Jesus Christ does not change.

    We must change the way we discuss faith crises.  There are too many people who leave the church because they don’t feel heard.  The idea that you can read or pray away a faith crisis is inaccurate and often leads individuals to feel like the “Church” is avoiding their concerns.  We have to listen, as the Savior did, to those with concerns.  Ask questions.  Having a faith crisis does not mean someone is sinning.  It can mean that, but it doesn’t always.  Brother Ostler is a perfect example.  His self-described “mini faith crisis” came while he was a YSA bishop spending dozens of hours each week in service to others.  He was reading, praying, and serving as much as anyone could at that time.  Imagine telling a bishop he needs to pray more, or read more, or do more to fix your problem.  One could rightfully be turned off by this suggestion.

    We must stop considering a faith crisis as a dirty topic that we must avoid.  Thousands are having one at this moment.  Those with unshaken faith must support and lift those who have a hard time. We must address questions head on and strengthen our faith together. We must strengthen each other. We are family. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is meant for everyone. 

    Now I’d like to share some of my personal story.  I returned to church in 2016.  I narrowly missed being an active member of the church when the policy statements came out.  I know this was a hard time for the church.  I know many people left.  I know many people, like Brother Ostler, were shaken by the announcement. 

    I’ve often thought about my faith.  I feel fortunate and blessed to have never experienced a personal faith crisis.  Even in my time away from the church, I never doubted that Jesus Christ died for me.  I never doubted Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I never doubted the restored Church of Jesus Christ.  I never doubted the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  While I was living completely opposite to some of the teachings the church, I still knew it was true.  I know I caused many head scratches from those who witnessed my verbal devotion while clearly ignoring all the precepts of the church.

    I said my faith has always been a blessing to me.  I believe it has.  When I was living opposite to the principles of the gospel it felt like a curse.  I’m sure I will need to answer for that one day.  If I knew it so much to be true, I believe I’ll be more accountable for my behavior.  Maybe that’s what gives me so much faith in Jesus Christ.  I know how important His Atonement is to me personally.  I have too many spots on my garments.  Without Him I am a damned soul. 

    Maybe that’s difficult for others who have never grievously sinned.  It’s easy to appreciate a lifeboat when you’re sinking in the ocean.  What if you’re safe on shore, do you still have the same appreciation for the lifeboat?  I’m not implying those who have lived just, kind, good lives start to finish are in anyway unappreciative of the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for them.  I’m truly amazed by those I see that have been faithful and true for all of their mortal journey.  I can only speak for myself.  I was not true for all of my journey and it makes me worship and love my Savior so intensely. 

    I wonder what would have happened if I was in church in 2015.  Would I have struggled?  Would I have left?

    I don’t know the answer to many questions.

    A book I read recently repeated the idea that we (humanity) know so much; space travel, geography, math, science.  Ask someone to give some thoughts about nature or history and everyone can provide some insight.  Ask someone to provide some thoughts about who they are, and they will struggle.  We often know and understand ourselves least of all the things in the world. I take comfort in knowing there are two individuals who know me infinitely better than I currently know myself.

    I want to give advice to anyone currently in a faith crisis.  Fight.  Don’t lose your faith.  Please.  It’s the most valuable thing on this earth.  You can lose your family, money, cars, your home, and you can lose your faith.  I hope we all fight for our faith.  Focus your faith on what is most important.  All your questions – ask them.  Doubt.  Wonder.  Have concern.  Voice your concerns.  But don’t forget where faith should lie.  Jesus Christ is the only name whereby men can be saved (Acts 4:12).

    Sometimes people will hurt, disappoint, or let you down. Sometimes those people may be leaders you trust. We all hurt and disappoint people we love. We must hope that we will receive mercy for the hurt we cause, and therefore should show mercy to those who hurt us. The great giver of all mercy is Jesus Christ. He loves each of us. He wants each of us to do whatever we can to come closer to Him. Stay close to Him and He will never let you down.

    Find those experiences in your memory that remind you that Jesus Christ guides His church.  Read the Book of Mormon and ask yourself if it could be false.  Then ask yourself, if it is false, how can it so perfectly testify of Jesus Christ?

    Find your foundation in sure things.  The pure faith in Christ.  Then fight for that faith.  We hope the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can be a faith building organization for all.  We hope that the covenants we make can strengthen our faith and the faith of those around us.  But at all costs, do not mix the pure, perfect, pristine waters of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the sometimes-murky institution run by us here on earth.

  • First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    Beth and I have been married for 15 months.  If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine.  It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice.  But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020!  I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.

    First let me comment on the pandemic.  While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around.  Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us.  We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months.  It’s crazy to think about.  What’s even crazier is I love it.  It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her.  We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day.  That was great.  As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together.  It’s been nice. 

    It hasn’t been all roses and bliss.  While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations.  I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).

    Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in.  If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her.  I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that. 

    I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice.  This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking.  He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart.  He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return.  Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife.  You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.

    My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example.  He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return.  Christ served only to serve.  He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ.  Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ. 

    It hit me how dumb I’d been.  Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions.  I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.”  I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love.  It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married.  He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.”  I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.

    I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart.  Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home.  I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.

    Let me be clear about something.  I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point.  While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate.  I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws.  I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me.  I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her. 

    Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed.  Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration.  I have to stop myself and remember.  Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something?  No.  I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife.  She does so much around the house and does so much for me.  There’s no keeping score.  Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.

    The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel.  We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration.  It’s not always easy,  but it’s possible.  It’s what we’re here to learn.  We’re here to learn patience and love.  I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving. 

    I see a sad trend in our society and the world today.  We give up too easy.  Love and marriage aren’t easy.  If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding.  We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it.  It makes me sad.  Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life.  Too many people give up too quickly.  It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.

    I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life.  From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities.  I’m grateful for my marriage.  I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity.  I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die.  I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉.  (Just kidding!  Were you paying attention?  No brownie points!)

    I’ll conclude with a great quote.  The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley.  I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult. 

    “There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

    Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

    Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

  • Love is Powerful

    Love is Powerful

    I was once asked a question I surprisingly had never truly dived into.  What was different about the first time I met with the bishop when coming back to church?   Why did I come back?

    I’ve written about some of the coincidences leading to me getting to the Bishop’s office and ultimately coming back to church.  But how did I stay?  Coming back once, for a fleeting moment of revival, that’s easy.  What really brought me back?

    I wrote in The Inspiration about cancelling that first appointment with the bishop.  That appointment eventually got rescheduled. 

    I remember walking into Bishop Thurston’s office.  It was a small room, like most bishop’s offices.  I believe there was a picture of the First Presidency, and Christ.  At other points in my life both pictures might have made me feel uncomfortable, unworthy, judged.  Maybe not the picture of Christ.  His image has always brought me warmth, if not alongside guilt.

    First Presidency February 2008 – January  2018

    I remember being so nervous.  What were we going to talk about?  It had been almost 10 years since I sat in a bishop’s office.  Was he going to grill me?  Was I going to have to confess all my sins?  Was this going to be a moment I looked back on in disgust?  Was he going to judge me?  Was he going to wonder what brought this messed up individual into his office?

    And then he smiled.  He shook my hand.

    If you’ve seen the smile of Kody Thurston, you know it.  If you’ve seen the smile of a loving bishop anywhere in this world, you know this smile.  They’re the same anywhere.

    He asked me to sit and I believe he offered the prayer.  Then we started to talk.  I remember not knowing what to do with my hands, I was fiddling with them in my lap.  I remember looking down a lot.  Every time I looked up he would be looking right at me.

    We talked about where I’d been, where I was going, my family.  We got to know each other.  I don’t remember much about the exact conversation.  I do remember what I didn’t feel, judged.

    Then he asked the question, I think it was, “Do you have anything you need to talk about?”  It was a loaded question, but it didn’t feel like it.  I knew if I said no he would move on.

    I had come into that room with zero intention of confessing my sins and opening my heart to a stranger.  Then this strange thing happens in a room with a person who has been sent and commissioned by Jesus Christ for this very purpose.  There’s a feeling in a room when the spirit is there.  It’s overwhelming.  I didn’t say much.  I implied some things; I got some things off my chest.  He didn’t ask much.  He moved forward.  That’s what I remember.  Moving forward.

    I talk about no coincidences.  I know it wasn’t a coincidence that I came back at that time.  Maybe it’s an excuse for me taking so long, but I know that God knew who and what I needed when I came back.  I firmly believe that God waited until I was ready and put Bishop Thurston in a position to be there when I was ready.  I don’t think I would have made it without him.

    When I was getting ready to leave, he said he wanted to see me again soon, within the week.  He told me to reach out to his assistant and schedule it soon.  He told me to tell his assistant to make it happen in the next week no matter what, even if I had to come to his house.  That’s another thing I’ll never forget.  Come to his house?  Why did this stranger want to see me again so soon?

    I was once asked what made me come back?  Love.  Love made me come back.  I knew when I left that office, without a shadow of a doubt, that the stranger I just met cared about me so deeply.  Is that something I could know?  I guess not, I couldn’t know it.  He could have been faking it.  The reason it has stuck with me, and the reason I came back, is because it wasn’t something I knew, it was something I felt. Like testimony or faith, it was something I couldn’t deny and something I’ll never forget.  At the end of that meeting I felt like I’d just met somebody who would do anything in his power, anything he possibly could, to help me.  I felt the love of Jesus Christ for me, displayed through this stranger so potently, with such power. 

    I left that office feeling good.  I’ll admit something.  I tried to keep it together.  I really tried.  I drove away from the building.  I pulled over within a minute.  I cried and I cried.  It was like the love I wouldn’t allow myself to feel Christ giving me for so long poured over me with such intensity.  I cry today thinking about it.

    Those first few weeks coming back were really hard.  Really, really hard.  When it got to feel like too much to continue on that path, like I couldn’t do it, I thought about the love I felt that day. I thought about that little bishop’s office where I felt something, and my heart changed.  I thought about the moment in my car after.  I realized I never wanted to be without that love, ever again.  That’s what brought me back and kept me coming back.

    Love is powerful.