I posted War or Cheesecake Factory two weeks ago about an experience where tone made all the difference. I’d like to share two more examples when tone benefited me with my neighbors.
When my below neighbor got angry with me about a supposed leak that flooded her unit it wasn’t the first time I’d been yelled at by a neighbor about a leak. In fact, the last time I was threatened to be sued. Let me explain.
I had a great relationship with my below neighbors before they sold their place to the current tenant. It was a grandparently relationship. The older gentleman would come over and help with my toilet, etc. We would drop off a card and cookies to them on holidays.
One day they came to me and told they had black mold, and worse, it was my fault. The details don’t matter but basically there was a leak (supposedly) coming from me, they had found it, and they were upset. I communicated with them throughout to help however I could.
This man that had come to feel like a grandpa came up one evening and told me, basically, that there might be a lawsuit with my name on it and he didn’t want me to be caught off guard.
My response you ask?
“Oh, ok,” in a cheery, not at all concerned tone.
This was a combination of meek demeanor and ignorance. It was hours later, sitting on the couch, before it hit me. Oh! They just threatened to sue me.
I don’t know if they ever truly intended to sue me. What I do know is I never heard another word about it. I can only think my ignorance and kind reception at threat of lawsuit dissuaded them from taking that course of action. They fixed the issue on their end and we moved on like that conversation never happened. That neighbor came over multiple times in the future to help with household items, we dropped off cookies and cards multiple other times. Life moved on.
One more neighbor interaction story.
When this current neighbor moved in, my very first interaction was with her and her mom. They were moving stuff in and I introduced myself. I remember her mom jokingly saying, “now my daughter is deaf so you’ll have to yell when you speak to her.”
I don’t think this neighbor is really deaf. Maybe hard of hearing or something like that, she can definitely hear. I think her mom was playfully warning me about her daughter’s music tastes.
As soon as this neighbor moved in the music started. I’m talking, floor shaking, bass moving, beats jumping, party going, music. There weren’t many parties, but many days that sounded like parties. This music could be at any time of the day. Most often around midnight followed by 5 in the morning.
I think the main problem was that her speakers may have been right under our bedroom. Beth was pregnant and sleeping some nights on the couch. I was sleeping on the floor in the nursery some nights. We kept hoping it would stop. It never stopped.
One morning at 6:30am while the party was rocking, I’d had enough. Beth was pregnant and wasn’t sleeping. I constantly fought the urge to go down and yell and freak out. I finally realized I had to talk to the neighbor.
I knocked on her door at 6:30. She creaked the door open, looked at me confused like, “why are you here at 6:30am??” I wanted to say to that face, “why is this music playing at 6:00am?” Instead I said, again, in the kindest, softest (over the music), most meek way I could, “Hey… I just wanted to let you know we can hear the music.”
“What?!”
“Yeah… it kind of feels like our floor is shaking right under our bed. We’ve been having a really difficult time sleeping and you know Beth is pregnant and, just wanted to make sure you knew.”
“It’s not even that loud.”
I looked at her dumbfounded. She could barely hear me through the door with the music on behind her.
“Yeah well we can hear it, again, just wanted to let you know. If you were able to turn it down a little that would help us a whole lot.”
She looked at me annoyed, and I can’t remember what she said. I do remember walking away thinking, now what? Are we going to have to move? We can’t live like this. Clearly she wasn’t going to turn down the music.
We never heard the music again. Literally not one more time.
I think back on that often. We could have had a disastrous start to a neighbor relationship. Our life could have been living hell the past year. If I went down without sleep, angry, and accused her of maliciously keeping my pregnant wife up, who knows what would have happened. I can’t imagine anything good coming from that.
Instead we built rapport. I explained the issue as calm and kind as I could, and hoped for the best. The best came. When that leak happened (see other post), we’d already established a level of respect.
I don’t write this to be like – I’m a great neighbor, check me out. I just want to emphasize that tone and word choice can go a long way. The way we say things makes a big difference. Our mindset when we confront someone is important. If you attack, they attack back, and now we’re at war. Nobody wants war.
When you’re frustrated with someone, take one second and enter their shoes. Why did they frustrate you? Was it malicious? Was it intentional? Is there a chance they are having a bad day too? If we all take a moment to consider the feelings of others, it would change this world. I hope we can all take a moment and show kindness and compassion for those around us. Our country needs it.
Love God and love thy neighbor.
No Coincidences 