No Coincidences

Tag: choices

  • 100th Post

    100th Post

    100 posts!  I thought it warranted a special post.  You never know when you start something like a blog if you’ll actually stick to it.  Here I am a year and a half and 100 posts later, with hundreds still to go.

    I figured as part of my first 100 posts I could mention the top 5 most read:

    1. Facing Death
    2. RIP Coach
    3. Ivy James Quackenbush 12/4/20
    4. Don Leedy-Resting in Paradise
    5. An Angel

    It’s interesting what this list shows.  Life and death.

    It was scary starting a blog.  It’s basically a public diary.  I’m excited for Ivy to read it one day.  Thank you to everyone who has read and supported.  The primary motivation in writing and sharing these posts has always been to share my faith story and hopefully help others in some tiny way.  If my story or my thoughts have helped one person think about life or come closer to Jesus Christ, then a million hours (close to how much time I’ve put into this) is worth it.

    I re-read my first post to prepare for writing this.  In reading that, I was kind of surprised by how open and vulnerable I made that.  It inspired me to share another more personal post.

    As I read that very first post I was reminded why I decided to write this.  I had my own very unique journey back to God and I hoped it could help someone, whether that be back to God or to God for the first time.  During those years where I removed God completely from my life, I feared every day I was away from Him that I’d never be able to return.  I know there are so many people out there that feel the same way.  There are also people that have never known God, prayer, repentance, all these things some of us take for granted.  These are abstract concepts to many, I know. 

    I want to share that I believe God is for everyone.  As the world screams at us, “You have your screens, your technology, your books, universities, learning, society with its conveyer belt of packaged food, water always, peace, prosperity.  Watch Netflix!  Relax!  All is well (2 Nephi 28:21).  Set aside thoughts of life, death, and purpose.  You have your purpose, live and let live.”  The world is telling us that despite the chaos around us, everything is fine, and we don’t need God.  I testify that all is well IF we have God.

    I want to tell everyone, there is more than what the world screams at us is important.  There is much, much more.  I want to tell everyone who will listen, God is for you.  If you’ve ever known Him, if you’ve never known Him, if you consider Him a complete foreign concept, if you consider Him a myth, He is for you and He is there for you.  You can come to Him, and when you do, your life changes. 

    That’s what sticks with me most when I think about those years away from God.  I removed Him, but He was never gone.  We can’t remove our Father.  This makes us accountable; it can be a frightening concept if we fear Him.  We don’t need to fear Him.  He is only there out of love.  He will never leave us.

    I bear my testimony of the most important things:  God is our Father, and He does love us.  Jesus Christ did something unimaginable.  Would you die for your child?  Would you suffer the punishment for the sins of your child?  Probably.  Would you die for the person torturing you?  Christ did.  He suffered for all of us, really suffered and felt.  I have been blessed to have the Holy Ghost be a part of my life when I’ve made good choices, since it was conferred upon me when I was 9 years old.  Joseph Smith did see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  He translated the Book of Mormon from ancient records.  The temples that are now dotting the earth are God’s temples. The temples are clean and holy.  I can be with my family forever because of what Christ did for me in Gethsemane and on the cross.

    I know this to be true.  This knowledge brings purpose and understanding to my life.  It doesn’t make trials go away but it makes them understandable. 

    I wish everyone would consider the great plan of salvation, The Plan of Happiness.  But we are distracted. 

    I have been so blessed by God and I ask Him constantly what I’ve done to be afforded so much.  The least I can do is share it with others, and I am glad to do so.

    I leave this testimony for my daughter, and my family, and all those I care about to read- forever.  I leave it in the name of my Redeemer, my Savior, my King, Jesus Christ.

    Amen.

    LDS Church introduces new symbol emphasizing the centrality of the Savior | KUTV
  • Letter to a Sinner

    Letter to a Sinner

    I write this with as much humility as possible.  Fully knowing and understanding my weaknesses have given me perspective.  It is my faults and errors that make me feel like I can write this letter. 

    I remember when I came back to church I was asked to not take the sacrament for three weeks.  It was one of the more difficult things I had to do, although it doesn’t sound like much.  I think it was the moment I realized I had changed.  Something that in the past might not have affected me too much, really hurt.  It was difficult coming back and immediately feeling like maybe I’m not enough.  Maybe I could have gone the route of resentment.  Instead I realized how much I didn’t want to have to go through that again.

    I don’t in any way imply I’m better than someone who can’t take the sacrament and does feel resentment.  We all have our own paths.  Mine was of being completely away, coming back, and realizing I deserved my three weeks.  Some are never officially away so that state of probation seems unfair or not right.  I understand that.

    This is my letter to the sinner.  A reminder, that includes all of us.  This is the sinner who has made mistakes.  This particular sinner might come from a perfect family and part of their struggle is feeling like they don’t fit in in the one place they should feel welcome.  This sinner might feel judged by the very people that should love them the most.  It doesn’t matter if those family, friends, and caring loved ones are right or wrong.  It matters how the sinner interprets things.  We all live our own experiences and encounter the world in different ways.  We must, to the best our abilities, see the world in perfect light and perfect truth.

    Here is my letter to a hypothetical sinner:

    You will never be like the “perfect” people you see around you.  You won’t.  Your path has been set.  Your path has been set partly by different “luck,” different experiences.  Partly by your choices.  My life was set by very bad choices.  But now that I’ve come out of the other side, my joy is greater than I could have ever imagined.  You won’t be “perfect”, but you’ll be who Heavenly Father sees you can be.  You won’t be “better” than those who never made the mistakes you made, but you might be stronger.  Your path will lead you somewhere wholly different.  And if you decide you want to come through to the other side: to truly know your Savior, to know forgiveness, to know what being welcomed home feels like even if you don’t think you’ll ever deserve it – if you come to that other side with that relationship with your Savior, your testimony will be welded in steel, as hard as diamond.  You’ll have gone through the refiner’s fire and come out united with He who gives all strength.  This is no excuse to continue to sin.  You know the light.  You’ve seen and felt the light.  I knew the light and I turned from it.  I hope to help anyone not make the same mistake.

    You will make mistakes.  You will sin.  But no matter what, you have to remember Jesus Christ.  Because while the world will judge you and you’ll have to struggle with that, He will judge you with a perfect love and comprehension.  Remember that those around you are trying to judge you with love.  They’re trying to love you righteously.  Jesus Christ doesn’t try.  He is perfect love.  Don’t forget it.  Don’t forget that those around you whose points of view you can’t understand, they’re trying to be like Jesus Christ.  They may be falling short.  But that’s not for you to judge.  Just as they can’t judge you, you can’t judge their intentions or efforts.  Just love and do your best. 

    I’m sorry you have to go through trials.  But do not lose sight of Jesus Christ.  Do not.  He is the only person true peace can come from.  Whatever you do, whatever mistakes you make, do not forget HIM.  He won’t forget you.  I promise.

    At this point I must apologize.  Throughout this letter I’ve referred to you as “the sinner.”  I know that phrase hurt the whole way through.  I know it because I’ve felt it.  I did it throughout the whole letter to get to this point.  I want to remind you, “sinner” is not who you are.  It will never be who you are.  We all sin but that’s not what God and Jesus Christ see in us.  No matter how many mistakes we make.  No matter how many slip ups or downright wrong things you do, you are not a sinner.  You are a child of Heavenly Father.  You are growing.  You are learning.  I reiterate something I said earlier, this does not excuse your sin.  Sin is wrong, you know that.  Christ will see your sin.  What means much more to Him is your repentance.  He doesn’t see who you were but who you will be. 

    “God cares a lot more about who we are and who we are becoming than about who we once were. He cares that we keep trying.”

    Elder Dale G. Renlund in April 2015 Conference talk “Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying”

  • The Inspiration

    The inspiration:  Where to begin…

    So, here we are.  I’m writing a blog.  Who am I writing to?  Is this like a journal entry?  I guess I’m writing in first person, so here we go.

    A little back story, I am not a writer.  I like writing. I really enjoy writing. And boy, do I feel I have some thoughts to share!  Will anyone else want to read my thoughts?  Not sure.  Thoughts are like your own new toy. Will anyone else appreciate it as much as you do given they won’t get to spend as much time with it as you?  I’ve thought about doing this for a long time, if simply to get the jumble of constant thoughts out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, put it somewhere for others to enjoy, or at least gain something from.

    I’m going to go deep on this “why I’m writing a blog,” so get ready.

    Three years ago, I started reading a book.  The book is called Visions of Glory by John Pontius.  This book had come into my possession through a sequence of events that I consider a miracle to this day.  Though small and seemingly not that crazy, these events led me to a book, and that book changed my life. 

    My mom was at my grandparents’ house.  My mother is adamant that she needs a television to fall asleep to.  She literally doesn’t sleep without tv.  Which is why this night at my grandparents’ home, she was not sleeping.  There was no television in the bedroom. The HORROR!  She noticed a book on the bedside table.  She picked it up, she read the introduction.  She was so intrigued by this book that the next day she promptly contacted me and said she was sending me the book because she’d never have time to read it but knew I would.

    Fun fact – this wasn’t my mom’s book. She stole it.  It was my Aunt Laura’s book that she’d given to my grandmother.  She may have let them know she was taking the book. I don’t know. The details are fuzzy. 

    Anyway, now I have this book (just a heads up- get used to the story bouncing all over the place. Sorry, I can’t change the way my mind functions). Nothing extraordinary.  Just a book.  I started reading.  Almost immediately, I had to put it down and put it somewhere I couldn’t see it.  You see, I was going to Mexico in a couple weeks.  I’m talking MEXICO, Mexico.  Like, beer all day, I’ll just leave it at that.  But this trip had been planned.  I think 9 of us were going and it was going to be a party.

    As I started reading the book, I knew what was happening.  Something inside me was stirring awake.  This couldn’t happen now, Mexico was waiting.  I hid the book.  I went to Mexico.  But something was different.  I wasn’t the same.  It would have been the best party week of my life. All the ingredients were there but I don’t think I even enjoyed it.

    I came home and I started reading.  One memorable moment or “coincidence”, as I’ll refer to it, was reading about addiction.  The book discussed how people couldn’t feel the spirit or progress when they were dulling their feelings with liquor or drugs.  That’s what I’d been doing for years.  As I was reading, I was suddenly starving. I’d been reading outside, on my balcony, so I went inside to make a pizza.  My roommate Chris was watching a sports show and, for some completely random reason, Danny Trejo was being interviewed.  He was talking about the day he quit alcohol and drugs.  He met with a therapist and the therapist said he couldn’t be who he wanted to be until he gave up his vices.  I went outside and continued to read.  I cried.  Then, like any normal Friday night, I poured myself some scotch and started playing cards with Chris. 

    Let me be clear. To this day I claim I never wasted an ounce of alcohol.  One time in college, we had tons of leftover beer from a game we played.  The beer was in open cups and I put them in the fridge and drank them over the next few days.  You want to talk about the most disgusting, kind of pathetic, but also (just going to say it) a bit admirable thing that’s ever been done? It was that.

    So, I drank some of the scotch and I wasn’t feeling it.  No problem. I opened a beer.  I will never forget the moment I realized, “I don’t want this.”  I was someone who never wasted a drop.  I binge drank at least 2 days a week.  On weekdays, I’d drink enough to be sick in the morning but still able to go to work.  I had a problem I never wanted to admit.  It was a constant fear of mine that I’d never stop.  I’m sure if I continued the way I was going, I would slowly poison my body to death.

    That day I drank half a beer and decided, I don’t want this.  I poured it out.  Four years ago – almost exactly four years ago-I had my last sip of alcohol.  I didn’t know that would be the last sip, but it was.  When I say that book saved my life, what I mean is that God and Jesus Christ put that book in my life, and I fought it (see: MEXICO).  I felt the change, and I fought it.  I read the book and my spirit cried out.  I cried out.  God and Jesus Christ never gave up on me.

    The next week I decided I wanted to go to church.  I was scared.  I didn’t know where to start.  “I CAN’T DO THIS.”  A postcard came in the mail.  It’s been four years and as I write this I’m still overwhelmed with emotion.  I have to fight back tears when I think of the moment that I received that postcard.

    It was from a dear friend.  She was not raised in the church but had been baptized years prior.  We had kept in contact throughout my years of debauchery.  We were close friends.  When I’d visit home, I could see she remembered when I had some moral compass I seemingly no longer had.  She remembered when I didn’t drink.  She remembered when I carried more light.  Every time I’d see her she’d ask when I was going back to church.  Every time I saw her she’d ask when I was going to stop drinking.  Every time I brushed her off and made her change the subject.  She was persistent, I was stubborn. 

    As I so desired to go back to church but didn’t know where to start, I got a postcard in the mail.  I’d never received a postcard from her before and haven’t since.  She was in Oregon for some reason.  The postcard read,

    “Hey Quackenbush!  I thought a random postcard was just the ticket to keep this like 8 year relationship functioning. LOL Did you watch any conference?  I liked Elder Hallstrom’s. How’s life?  Still working your way up the corporate ladder?  Did you watch Finding Carter to the end?  Did you know your father in Heaven loves you?  Did you know I do too? : )”

    …..

    I called her that night.  I told her I wanted to go back to church.  The whirlwind that ensued was astonishing.  It was like she’d been waiting for this moment for years. I guess she had.  If she had a checklist of steps to take for when she received this call, I wouldn’t be surprised.  Next thing I know I was a member of a Facebook page called Scottsdale YSA Ward Events.  I had my new Bishop’s phone number and an appointment for the next week.  I had an address and time to be at church that Sunday.  I think I told her I wasn’t ready to meet the Bishop.  She cancelled the meeting and said she highly recommended I see him soon.   

    That Sunday I went to church.  I’d tried going to church over the past few years.  I’d had missionaries over to my house a few times.  It just never stuck.  Chris went with me since I told him I was too afraid to go alone.  At church that day something monumental occurred.  A guy sitting in front of me turned around and asked me if I played basketball.  He said he was starting in a league and asked if I wanted to join his team.  He knew nothing about me.  He didn’t even know if I could dribble.  That guy ended up being the Elders Quorum President at the time and he changed my life.  Many people those first couple months had an impact on my life that they, and myself, don’t completely understand yet.  I look forward to looking back on those months in every detail and being able to thank those individuals. 

    Why am I writing a blog?

    I guess because I feel I have a lot to say?  The real, final push came from another blog.  UnBlog my Soul was a blog started by John Pontius.  The man I never met, but the man who changed my life forever.  He passed away in 2012, yet his words continue to impact me.  I believe after his death his wife continued his blog in his honor.  I recently was on the website and saw that she was closing shop.  No more new posts on UnBlog my Soul.  Why?  Because she wanted others to start blogs.  Others to impact lives.  Others to tell their stories. 

    It seemed fitting that the wife of the man that brought me back to Christ, was telling me to do something I’d felt prompted to do for years.  Now I’m writing a blog.  It will have a lot of stories.  It will have a lot of thoughts.  Some will (hopefully) be short.  Many will be long, confusing trains of thought.  As you might be able to tell, there will be strong religious tones to my writing.  Input is welcomed, critical and otherwise.  The spirit works in miraculous ways.  I know that from personal experience.  Hopefully this is meant to help just one person.  For the worth of souls is great in the sight of the Lord.  And if you cry repentance all your life and bring one soul unto Him how great shall be your joy with him in the home of our Father?  How great will be my joy with John Pontius, that elder’s quorum president, that friend that never gave up on me, and Jesus Christ.

    Edit 12/19/21- Please see Why “No Coincidences” for an update on why I continue to do this blog. It’s not easy writing every day and sharing every week. That is why I do it. Thank you for reading.