No Coincidences

Tag: Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Drugs

*Author’s note: I asked Beth to proofread this before sharing. I put off posting it for weeks because of my hesitation in sharing something like this about my past. Beth’s response, “Why wouldn’t you share it? It’s what got you here.”

“Cocaine takes your soul.” A statement I heard a while back on a podcast.

I’ve long wanted to write a “drugs” post, but I haven’t known how to approach it. It was a big step for me to start sharing publicly about how I used to drink. Now I use my past experiences with drinking to understand the struggles others can have because I’ve been there. It makes me really uncomfortable to share something like, “I used to do drugs.” Vulnerability, uncertainty at how people I love will take this information, Ivy reading this one day… Admitting something like that was never something I thought I’d do. But Beth’s comment was right. Those choices led to where I am today, so why not share it? If I’ve truly changed, why do those past decisions matter that much? If I truly believe Christ has washed away my sins through His Atonement, what am I hiding? Maybe somebody can benefit from my experience.

So, before I continue, let’s get this part out of the way: All my LDS friends and family take your moment to *gasp. All my college friends and family take your laugh (that some of my friends and family never knew this about me).

I bounced back and forth with writing a generic, boring post about how drugs are bad. Really, we’ve heard that before. What can really make a difference, I think, is my personal experience with drugs. In the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), along with other churches, I think talking about past drinking or drug use is pretty taboo. It’s like many other topics I want to write about and haven’t yet addressed. Where I come from, how I was raised, I kind of adhere to the ‘pretend like it doesn’t exist’ camp. Drugs? How about we not discuss it.

But then recently my 13-year-old brother mentioned a kid coming to his soccer practice clearly high. First thought, “My youngest brother is exposed to weed already????” Then I realized, he’s 13, of course he’s exposed to it. I know a lot of kids that started experimenting with drugs at 13. It’s crazy to think my youngest brother is 13. It’s crazier more to realize it when he talks about the drug use around him. Drug use is happening. In the world we live in today, it’s more prevalent than ever. If we stick our head in the ground, refuse to talk to our kids about it, and pretend like it’s not happening, someone else is talking to them about it. News flash parents: Your most sheltered latter-day saint babies have seen, heard of, been around, and maybe even experienced drug use.

If I was seeing it in 2003 (I’m old), you better believe 13-year-olds are seeing it in 2021. Recently I drove down a street in Las Vegas near my old home. A street I’d driven down many times. I did a double take when I passed what I can only describe as a big, bright, pot emporium. Drugs are becoming mainstream. A scary thought.

So what are my experiences with drugs?

First let me say, I was lucky that drugs never quite became like alcohol for me. I don’t think drugs ever controlled me the way alcohol did. I think part of that is luck in never trying the wrong substance. There was a time when I was on a precarious cliff, one wrong step could have led to debilitating and life destroying addiction.

I’m going to try my best to be as ambiguous as possible about my drug use for obvious reasons. By that I mean, I’m not going to tell you what drugs I have done (it’s not many). But sometimes I may be clear about drugs I haven’t done. For example, I never tried cocaine. I had to say that since you’ve probably been wondering that since you read the first line.

What’s my experience?

From a very young age I was aggressively opposed to any substance I believed was bad. Legend has it I used to pour out my mom’s Coca Cola’s. Growing up I always said I would never drink alcohol. When asked I would say it was due to my faith and the Word of Wisdom. The Word of Wisdom, for those who don’t know, is guidance provided by the Lord to Joseph Smith in 1833 about what should and should not be put into the body. Over the years the Word of Wisdom, as followed by many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has adapted and changed. This is a natural occurrence. Joseph Smith wasn’t yet warned about vape pens and methamphetamines in the 1830s. I encourage everyone who wants to learn more to read Doctrine and Covenants Section 89.

My excuse for not drinking or partaking in drugs was always the Word of Wisdom. Like I said, from a very young age I remember taking that guidance very seriously. As I grew up, and my church activity waned, that excuse changed to, “I’m an athlete.” In high school “no thanks” seldomly worked. You needed a reason. Similar to Happy Hours across the country today, most of the time you can’t just say no.

So what happened when I had neither? What happened when my church activity was zero and I was no longer an athlete after high school? It’s amazing how soon after losing those two identities that I waivered on this principle I had stuck so firmly to.

I still remember my first sip of alcohol. It was a big moment. We laugh at the joke that meth addiction starts with one puff or one sip, but doesn’t it? Of course, there are exceptions, but would someone who has never had a sip of alcohol try a harder, more dangerous substance? Usually not.

What happened after I’d taken one sip? Well, my excuses of church and basketball were no longer existent, I no longer had my shield against peer pressure. It’s no wonder when I went off to college for the first time I started drinking, then trying other stuff.

I was never a big drug user, as previously stated. Most of what I tried wouldn’t even be considered drugs by most people today. That’s the problem though, isn’t it? Drugs are drugs. Marijuana is a drug. It is habit forming, it changes your focus, it changes what you care about, and ultimately it changes you.

I had some extremely, extremely scary experiences with drugs. The last time for a particular substance I said would be the last time I’d try anything. Being stuck in your mind is a terrifying thing, there is no escape. These substances are mind-altering. Sometimes they’re mind entrapping.

This is the point I want to get across and I think is important. It’s the point I make to anyone who asks about certain drugs or drug use. You almost never know what you’re putting into your body and it’s often from a sketchy source. What happens when you can’t escape your mind and you think something will never end? I had a friend once tell me he considered killing himself one time during a particularly bad drug experience. My thought was, “why would you put that in your body????” Then, years later I had that something in my body. If it wasn’t for very trusted and caring friends being around me to calm me down, who knows what could have happened. Never before in my life had jumping off a balcony crossed my mind. It did that day. Drugs are not a joke. This is the message, more than anything I’d like to get across.

I consider myself lucky that I avoided most of the more dangerous and addictive substances out there. I never touched a cigarette. I was too afraid it would become a habit. That fear kept me from putting myself in a dangerous position with many other drugs. I was always afraid of man-made, synthetic substances. I was raised to believe that man was conspiring against my freedom (D&C 89:4) and I believe that might have saved my life.

How am I with drugs today?

When I had my accident, they tried to prescribe me some sort of Oxy something or another pain medication. I refused. I got over the counter Advil and avoided taking that as much as I could. I saw too many friends almost kill themselves over those pills. I hope I can avoid ever touching one.

Today I’ve cut out drugs, alcohol, caffeine, and juice. Yes, juice. I feel happier and healthier for it. I see coworkers come into the office and walk like zombies to the coffee machine first thing in the morning. I’ve never had that crutch and I never will.

People talk about the Word of Wisdom like it takes away your freedom. My experience tells me that drugs and alcohol, and yes, even caffeine take away our freedom, not expand it. How many people can’t start their day without coffee? How many people can’t start their weekend without liquor? How many people are enslaved by substance abuse?

I am so grateful for my upbringing and the protection I had against these dangerous substances in my life. Even when I dabbled, I escaped the direst consequences. I was lucky. Why chance it? I’m happier today than I’ve ever been now that I depend on no substance for that happiness. The Word of Wisdom is a protection and despite my slip-ups through my growth, it did protect me, and I’m grateful for it.

November 18, 2021
Temple Miracle

I don’t recall a good temple miracle story for myself. I love the temple. I feel peace in the temple. The truth is, I’ve felt like I have a difficult time after the temple. The idea that you can take the temple with you and feel peace in the world after leaving, I’ve personally not experienced that. My experience has been more that as soon as I leave the temple Satan doubles and triples his efforts to bring strife and impatience into my heart. I feel the world engulf me when I leave that peaceful home. Of course, those are probably my own shortcomings.

So, if you asked me my best “temple story”- a story where I felt overwhelming peace, or received a profound answer to prayer, or something drastic in my life changed after a visit, I wouldn’t immediately have an answer. That’s not to say those things haven’t happened. I believe if we don’t write down the miracles we experience we seldomly remember them. What a sad thing to forget miracles.

Salt Lake Temple

Which leads me to writing this, to be sure I don’t forget this subtle, but profound and important miracle.

Recently Beth and I went to the Mesa temple open house. It was an extraordinary experience. It was my first time doing a tour of a temple. I’ve obviously been in the temple many times, but never taken a tour. Also, it’s been a while since I’ve been to the temple. Since Covid, I’ve only been to the temple once, for my sister’s wedding, aside from this recent open house visit.

Touring the temple was amazing. Every picture inside the temple was spectacular. I had a hard time not pausing to stare at every picture of Jesus Christ I encountered. I would have held up the tour if I had done so, but I love staring at any depiction of Christ and trying to fathom who He is.

The beauty in every detail of the temple is awe-inspiring. It is a place of pure peace. I kept tears at bay as I walked through the halls and eternally significant rooms as I realized how much I had missed that place.

This leads to my miracle. It’s small, almost unnoticeable, but significant.

Beth and I had been having some difficulty the few days, maybe week, leading up to this open house visit. Normal marriage stuff. Strife, snippy comments, unkindness, our house hadn’t been a super peaceful and happy place. I say this with the vulnerability of knowing we (as people, society, etc.) don’t often admit these things, but it’s important to understand what happened after the temple.

There was something I realized I needed to say to Beth earlier that day, but it was difficult to say because it’s extremely difficult for me to be “touchy-feely” or “lovey-dovey.” Wasn’t how I was raised. So there was something I needed to say but it was going to be difficult. Then, after the temple, it came out so naturally and easily. I believe the temple brought it comfortably out of me. Maybe because being in the temple had reminded me of the covenants I made there with Beth.

On our drive home from the temple I told Beth this:

“Things have been hard the past few days but that’s marriage. It’s not always going to be great. It’s going to be difficult and we know that. But I need to remind you, and I need you to know, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going anywhere. And neither are you. We are here for each other no matter what, no matter how hard it gets. We made covenants to each other and I plan on keeping mine and I know you plan on keeping yours. And throughout any challenge we’ll become closer, and more united, and stronger for those challenges.”

This led to a conversation about the covenants we made and how important our faith is to us, and to our relationship. I know Beth and I will always be together because I know what our relationship is centered on. Our relationship is centered on Jesus Christ and a covenant we made with each other that included Him. Without that rock, without that stable foundation, the world is just too shaky and full of turmoil. But I know we will grow through any challenge because we made eternal covenants and we plan on sticking to them.

Where Beth and I were sealed for eternity

I believe being in the temple in some subconscious way reminded me of the covenants we’d made and made it so easy to have that deep, emotional, and important discussion.

I’m grateful for the temple and the covenants I’ve made there. Life and marriage is difficult enough. With the option of walking away, too many do. The temple is God’s house and I know that to be true. I know it is a beacon in a dark world. I know it is where peace can be found. I know it is where eternal covenants and a welding link can be established. I am eternally grateful for that home. I am grateful for the miracle it provided me that day. I am grateful for the miracle the temple is in my life every single day, whether I visit it or not, due to the covenants made there.

San Diego Temple

November 11, 2021
100th Post
100 posts! I thought it warranted a special post. You never know when you start something like a blog if you’ll actually stick to it. Here I am a year and a half and 100 posts later, with hundreds still to go.

I figured as part of my first 100 posts I could mention the top 5 most read:
It’s interesting what this list shows. Life and death.

It was scary starting a blog. It’s basically a public diary. I’m excited for Ivy to read it one day. Thank you to everyone who has read and supported. The primary motivation in writing and sharing these posts has always been to share my faith story and hopefully help others in some tiny way. If my story or my thoughts have helped one person think about life or come closer to Jesus Christ, then a million hours (close to how much time I’ve put into this) is worth it.

I re-read my first post to prepare for writing this. In reading that, I was kind of surprised by how open and vulnerable I made that. It inspired me to share another more personal post.

As I read that very first post I was reminded why I decided to write this. I had my own very unique journey back to God and I hoped it could help someone, whether that be back to God or to God for the first time. During those years where I removed God completely from my life, I feared every day I was away from Him that I’d never be able to return. I know there are so many people out there that feel the same way. There are also people that have never known God, prayer, repentance, all these things some of us take for granted. These are abstract concepts to many, I know.

I want to share that I believe God is for everyone. As the world screams at us, “You have your screens, your technology, your books, universities, learning, society with its conveyer belt of packaged food, water always, peace, prosperity. Watch Netflix! Relax! All is well (2 Nephi 28:21). Set aside thoughts of life, death, and purpose. You have your purpose, live and let live.” The world is telling us that despite the chaos around us, everything is fine, and we don’t need God. I testify that all is well IF we have God.

I want to tell everyone, there is more than what the world screams at us is important. There is much, much more. I want to tell everyone who will listen, God is for you. If you’ve ever known Him, if you’ve never known Him, if you consider Him a complete foreign concept, if you consider Him a myth, He is for you and He is there for you. You can come to Him, and when you do, your life changes.

That’s what sticks with me most when I think about those years away from God. I removed Him, but He was never gone. We can’t remove our Father. This makes us accountable; it can be a frightening concept if we fear Him. We don’t need to fear Him. He is only there out of love. He will never leave us.

I bear my testimony of the most important things: God is our Father, and He does love us. Jesus Christ did something unimaginable. Would you die for your child? Would you suffer the punishment for the sins of your child? Probably. Would you die for the person torturing you? Christ did. He suffered for all of us, really suffered and felt. I have been blessed to have the Holy Ghost be a part of my life when I’ve made good choices, since it was conferred upon me when I was 9 years old. Joseph Smith did see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He translated the Book of Mormon from ancient records. The temples that are now dotting the earth are God’s temples. The temples are clean and holy. I can be with my family forever because of what Christ did for me in Gethsemane and on the cross.

I know this to be true. This knowledge brings purpose and understanding to my life. It doesn’t make trials go away but it makes them understandable.

I wish everyone would consider the great plan of salvation, The Plan of Happiness. But we are distracted.

I have been so blessed by God and I ask Him constantly what I’ve done to be afforded so much. The least I can do is share it with others, and I am glad to do so.

I leave this testimony for my daughter, and my family, and all those I care about to read- forever. I leave it in the name of my Redeemer, my Savior, my King, Jesus Christ.

Amen.
October 21, 2021
The Power of Repetition

If you were born after the year ~1987 and I just write the words:

“We just got a letter.”

“We just got a letter.”

What happens in your mind?

How about:

“DARE to keep off drugs…”

You know that painful feeling of getting a song stuck in your head?

Ivy has started watching Blues Clues. Don’t know how I feel about Josh as he’s not Steve. The first thing I noticed with this new show was:

“We just got annnn email! We just got annnn email!” If you’ve heard it you understand the multiple n’s.

I was just at my desk staring out the window and I couldn’t get that doggon song out of my head. Then, I thought of better days and started singing in my mind, “We just got a letter…” and it came to me just like that. I could hear it; I could feel it.

It made me think about the power of repetition. Can you believe if I hear, “we just got a letter” 20 years later, I STILL sing that exact song? Why is that? Repetition. I must have heard it 100, 1000 times growing up, and I don’t even recall being a HUGE Blues Clues watcher. (I say that in the context of how Blues Clues took over the world in the 90s).

As I often do, I applied this to a gospel principle. Why is it SO important that we pray and study the scriptures daily? Repetition. I could read the Old Testament every day for the rest of my life and still learn from it. Nothing sticks with us humans unless we do it over…and over…and over… and over.

That is the way we learn and grow: repetition. Now if someone could work on a really catchy Book of Mormon jingle, I could get that book memorized.

October 14, 2021
You are Loved, You are Worthy

“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”

Think about that statement for a moment.

I heard this quote in a recent meditation I did. The meditation guided this visual exercise: Picture yourself as a child, truly picture it. Picture yourself as a baby. Picture yourself on someone’s lap. Picture yourself being held, comforted, and played with. Picture yourself laughing joyfully as someone makes a funny face at you. Picture yourself young and innocent.

You don’t have to earn worthiness; you don’t have to earn love. You are loved because you are.

The next time you don’t feel worthy, picture yourself as a child. You are worthy.

This exercise led me to an even more powerful thought. One that speaks not only to our worthiness here, but to our birthright and our eternal potential.

Consider Adam for a moment, the first man. When he came to this earth, we are told he was as a child. Adam came to earth meek and humble, a child-like individual. He had forgotten who he was. Who he was in reality was Michael the archangel, the chief angel. Adam was Michael, the angel second in authority. His authority was only exceeded by Jesus Christ Himself (and God, of course). In Hebrew the name Michael means “Who is like God.” This Michael came to earth with his mind wiped clean, with no recollection of his prior authority, no memory of his prior self.

What about us? What don’t we remember about ourselves?

The next time you are insecure, unsure, or afraid, remember that you are a child of divine inheritance. You are a prince or princess of the most High God. Consider that for a moment.

Not only are you loved and worthy of love, you are loved by the God of the universe. You are in line to inherit all He has to offer (D&C 84:38). Remember that, and don’t forget it. Hold to it.

We are as children here. We don’t remember our past. For all we know, we were spiritual giants. We are spiritual giants. We can be spiritual giants. Embrace that identity. Remember who you might be. Remember who it is you have been tutored by. The God of Heaven and Earth. When we embrace this way of thinking and embrace this possibility, the difficult things of this earth become so inconsequential. Our true potential is greatness. May we never forget it.

October 7, 2021