I recently attended a wedding that had 100 people RSVP. Of those 100 RSVPs, 90 people showed up.
A few years ago Beth put a ton of effort into planning a semi-surprise birthday party for me. It was semi-surprise because I knew we were gathering, I just thought it was with her family at their home. What I didn’t know is that she had invited 30 or so other people to celebrate.
Beth gathered RSVPs a few weeks ahead of time. She planned activities. She got cake and catered food to feed the 30 RSVPs plus family. She put a ton of effort into preparing the event.
The days leading up to the party, unbeknownst to me, Beth started getting an influx of texts from those 30 RSVPs. “I’m sick.” “My kids are sick.” “My dog is sick.” “I forgot it was Saturday.” Etc. Etc.
I’m sure Beth felt like she was living the parable of the wedding banquet in Matthew chapter 22. If my closest friends weren’t interested in coming to the party they RSVP’d for, maybe people off the street would have interest in celebrating. At least they’d be there to eat the food and say surprise.
Those 30 RSVPs turned into 8 real people. You can imagine Beth’s disappointment when she put so much effort into this surprise and then just over 25% of the people who said they would come actually came. We were eating good that day. We had food for 30+ people and only 8 to eat it.
It stung, quite a bit.
Since then Beth has planned birthday parties for our daughters. She hesitates to do RSVPs anymore. What’s the point of doing an RSVP if 10% who say they’re going to come don’t ultimately show up? How about if 75% don’t show up? Can’t really plan for that margin of error. What’s the point of an RSVP at that point?
Beth and I had a conversation recently about our family values. What’s important to us that other people know about us? What do we want our girls to know about our family as they grow older?
We discussed a lot of family values but one of the most important was doing the things we say we’ll do. Keeping our commitments is important to our family. Beth and I pride ourselves on the fact that if we say we’re going to do something, we do it.
Are we perfect? No. Do things happen? Of course. But we try.
There’s a distinction I like to make. Excuses versus reasons. So many people provide excuses for why they can’t make it to something they’ve committed to. I don’t think there should ever be “excuses.” There are excuses and there are reasons. If I can’t be somewhere, it better be for a reason and not for an excuse.
Here’s the thing, excuse givers think their excuses are reasons. Oftentimes they’re not. Oftentimes, the person could make their committment. They’ve just found an excuse not to. The next time you try to back out of something you said you were going to do, ask yourself: Is this an excuse or a reason? If it is a true reason, you CAN NOT make it to your committment, be honest with yourself, let the person you previously communicated committment to know with sincere apology, and move on. If it’s an excuse, look in the mirror.
Now this isn’t to be high and mighty. This isn’t to toot our horn. This isn’t to imply that we’re better than anyone else. Far from it. This is something we pride ourselves on. Yes. This is a commitment we’ve made to keep our commitments. That’s just who we want to be.
I don’t ever want to make people feel bad. That’s the last thing in the world I EVER want to do. But after this wedding where 10% of the people who said they were going to come didn’t come, I decided I wanted to write on this topic.
If you’re reading this and feeling a pang of guilt about something you recently committed to and then didn’t show up, good. You should feel a pang of guilt.
I don’t know if it’s always been this way. I don’t know if RSVPs in the 90s were considered optional. To Beth and I, and I know in the family I was raised in, if you said you were going to be somewhere you just showed up. Nobody wanted to clean the church, I never wanted to go to scout activities, I sometimes hated church, but you showed up. I think society could do a little better keeping their commitments.
I think something has shifted. I think obligations are optional and commitments are made to be set aside when ultimately it’s inconvenient and you don’t want to go. In a world where you can just relax and watch that addictive episode on Netflix instead of get ready, pack into the car, drive a distance, and have to be around people you may not be in the mood to talk to, Netflix starts to look nice. And a lot of people choose Netflix.
Here’s the thing. Then don’t RSVP. Here is my public service announcement. If you’re a person that can’t keep commitments, don’t RSVP.
Again, Beth and I aren’t perfect. There have been times we have fallen short. All we can do is try to be better the next time.
There are too many excuses nowadays.
Everyone’s child, dog, or self is always sick.
Now that we have three kids, we get it. It’s hard to get those three little (sometimes) monsters ready and loaded into a vehicle and transported to some thing we really don’t want to go to. There have been many times that Beth has gotten really sick and I’ve had to take three girls by myself to something. Is it hard? Yes. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. But it doesn’t matter. A commitment is a commitment.
A good example comes to mind. Our family had committed to meeting the Matthews family at the zoo one Saturday morning. As the time to leave approached Beth started to get a terrible headache and feel nauseous. The girls were grumpy and screaming. Beth went upstairs to get some reprieve. I couldn’t find the car keys. I almost gave up. But the Matthews are one of those rare people that have been there for us with 100% consistency. They showed up to that birthday party. When they say they’ll be somewhere I have no doubt they will show up.
So Ivy and I searched and prayed and searched for those keys for almost two hours. We found them. We threw together a diaper bag of snacks and headed off to the zoo almost 3 hours later than we planned on. But we showed up.
For the record, I haven’t always been a person who kept his commitments. I don’t think I’ve always been a person who could be relied upon. I think I used to be flaky. When I was younger, I might commit to something and not show up. I might say I’d be somewhere without being sure I’d actually go. At some point I decided to change. At some point I decided I wanted to be someone who showed up. This was a concious decision and it took concerted effort. Anyone can do it. It’s not in someone’s DNA to bail on plans just as it’s not in someone’s DNA to keep committments. It’s a decision everyday. That’s all.
For me personally, I think this has come with maturity. My high school basketball coach used to make us clean our hotel rooms before leaving. This made no sense to me. Isn’t that the point of housekeeping? He pointed out that if we left our rooms a disaster someone else had to pick it up. “Isn’t that their job?” We would ask. He would say we didn’t have to make anyone’s job harder that it needed to be. Picking up after ourselves was the right thing to do. I think doing what you say you’re going to do is the right thing to do. Only as I’ve gotten older have I appreciated these two considerations.
There are always reasons not to keep commitments.
Again, if you’re reading this and feeling offended, maybe you’re even one of those people that didn’t show up to that birthday party years ago (unlikely you remember, but whatever), if you’re reading this and feeling upset by what you’re reading…..good. That’s very unlike me to say. It’s kind of hard for me to say. But good. If me writing this makes one person keep one commitment they make, it will have been worth it.
We need people to keep commitments in this world.
Things will always come up. There’s always a good reason not to show up. But do you show up anyway?
I mentioned the Matthews and there are other people I trust that when they say they’ll do something, they’ll do it.
To be honest, those people are few and far between.
There are people that are there for me and amazing people and I love them so much. But I just don’t trust if they say they’ll show up that they’ll actually be there.
I know we’re all busy. If I’ve ever not kept a serious commitment it’s likely more due to disorganization than inconsideration. But ultimately, I’m responsible for my schedule. And if I’m that busy, then I shouldn’t RSVP. Not being organized can’t be an excuse for being inconsiderate, and not showing up.
Life will always be busy and it only gets busier.
I know things come up. I get it. I still love you.
But if you’re a person that doesn’t show up, I encourage you to think about what values are important to you and what you want people to think when they think about you.
Do you show up?
No Coincidences 