No Coincidences

Tag: daughters

  • Spanking

    Spanking

    This last weekend Beth went out of town so it was Daddy weekend with my girls. We had an awesome weekend. We had Daddy Dinners which included meals Dad loves but Mom doesn’t (there’s a whole lotta chili involved). We spent a whole day at the pool. We went to a Notre Dame High School barbeque with food, snacks, and activities. We went to the grocery store TWO times. We had a movie night in Dad’s bed with the projector. It was a great weekend.

    Ivy has had some behavior challenges of late. Those challenges continued over the weekend.

    On Sunday, the last day before Mom was coming home, we went to church. Ivy did not do a good job and we had to leave before the first meeting was over.

    I was so frustrated. I loaded all three girls in the car and turned on the AC. I had to go back into church and clean up the mess we always leave behind, while the church meeting continued around me, load it up, and take the girls home.

    When we got home I put Wren down for her nap, setup Sage on the couch to watch a show, and took Ivy to her room.

    Despite the awesome weekend, Ivy’s misbehaviors loomed large. The most challenging thing as a parent is when your child is awesome 95% of the time and then does really, really bad things the other 5%. Because of the 95% you know she’s so capable.

    I won’t go into detail on the behavior but lest you think me a harsh, mean Dad, I’ll just say the behavior was unacceptable and important to be corrected. I’ll leave it at that.

    After Ivy was in her room I stood over her fuming. I was so frustrated. I took deep breaths to calm myself. I told Ivy I had to spank her.

    We don’t spank. It has happened maybe twice in our family and I don’t like it. But enough was enough. Ivy had to learn some things were unacceptable. I didn’t know how else to bring that lesson home.

    She freaked out a little when I said I had to spank her. As she was doing that, I closed my eyes and prayed.

    She asked what I was doing.

    I told her I was praying asking Heavenly Father what I should do. I was asking for help on how to deal with my daughter with love. How to show her I loved her but that her behavior had to be better. I desperately didn’t want to spank her. But I didn’t know what to do.

    Ivy loves pretending to be characters. It’s a fun thing about her. I love it. I love her creativity and her mind. All day every day she’ll pretend to be Dash from the Incredibles, the red head girl from the movie Leap, Alfalfa from Little Rascals, Justin Bieber when she’s singing, Ghost Spider, Huckleberry Finn, Snow White. You name it. If it’s a fictional character (or sometimes not fictional, see Justin Bieber), Ivy has pretended to be them.

    Back in Ivy’s room, considering spanking, not wanting to, praying for help, I don’t even remember thinking it. The next part just happened. I told her no more characters until she could improve on the things she wasn’t improving on. I told her I was not participating in her fun ritual of being different characters throughout the day until she could fix her behavior.

    Ivy reacted way worse at this than if I had actually spanked her. You’d have thought I told her the world was ending. She was beside herself. Distraught. She begged me to let her be a character. I told her not until she improved and I left her in her room for nap time.

    I did not spank her.

    When Ivy woke up she immediately asked if she could be a character and I said no. I told her she could be a character after three days of making good decisions.

    That was two days ago as I’m writing this and Ivy’s behavior has improved 100-fold. Zero issues. Zero problems. Every day she has asked when she could be a character again. I’ve told her the day it can happen if she keeps doing a good job. She has accepted this.

    Now it’s Tuesday night and I’m writing this. She is very excited to be Justin Bieber tomorrow.

    I reminded her that if her actions revert back it will be another 3 days of no characters. I don’t think it will come to that. This has been a brutal 3 days for her.

    This is your reminder that prayer is real, and prayer is powerful.

    I was praying for help and I received it. I say again, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It just came out of my mouth. “Ivy no more characters until you start to behave better.”

    I didn’t want to resort to spanking, but I thought I was out of options. I didn’t know what to do. With God, and prayer, there is always something else you can do.

    God answered my prayer that day and I’m so grateful for that. I know Ivy and Sage and Wren will have other challenges. They’ll never be perfect and I don’t want them to be. I hope they’ll accept that I’m extremely, very much, far from a perfect dad.

    But as their behavior is challenging and I think I’ve run out of options, I hope I can remember to pray.

    The Father of me, you, and the universe answers. In this life I’ll never be a perfect Father. But they still have a perfect Father.

    And He loves His children.

  • Growing Up

    Growing Up

    I recently saw a compilation video. This video showed dads seeing their daughters with their boyfriends for the first time.

    This made me think about when this will happen to me one day.

    I started to think about Ivy, Sage, and Wren one day growing up. I started to think about my Ivy, my partner, my girl who cuddles with me at every chance and always wants to play. I thought about her growing up.

    I started to feel an intense pain in my chest. Like serious, gotta stop thinking this kind of pain.

    I don’t know if other parents get this.

    You know those “memories” videos that iPhones create? IPhone takes all your photos for a year or something and puts them together with emotional music in the background. I can watch them in very limited spurts. I will definitely start bawling my eyes out. Tears are the best case scenario. Worst case, the aforementioned heart pain extends to my whole body and it feels like my body will explode.

    This will sound like an exageration. It is not. It is a real feeling.

    You’ll notice above when I talked about Ivy cuddling with me and always wanting to play, I stopped there. I could have listed a million other examples of the loving affection between us. I could have used more examples with Sage and Wren.

    But as I type these thoughts and consider them getting older, my chest starts to hurt, and my eyes fill, and I have to stop. There’s a reason I’m not getting more detailed.

    My love for them is so all encompassing, so palpable, so excruciating, that I feel physical, overwhelming pain when I think about it one day changing. I know it has to change, one day. Until that day…

    Having three kids now five and under (because Ivy is five, yeah, let’s not talk about it), is extremely, extremely hard. It’s taxing. It feels like almost every day is a marathon that never ends. Sometimes I’ll find myself thinking I just want it to be over. I want them to be able to pour their own cereal and put on their own pants and wipe their own bum.

    Then Ivy started putting on her own pants and pouring her own cereal. Sage started wiping her own bum.

    And as I type this, and the screen becomes blurry, I remember to embrace the bum wipings and all the mundane. Because one day might be the last day Ivy says, “Daddy, do you want to play with me?”

    I hope that day never comes. But I guess it probably will.

    Okay. I need to stop now.

    Am I the only one? What is this love? A father for his daughters.

    I’ll be patient, one more month
    You’ll wrap your fingers ’round my thumb
    Times are changing, I know, but who am I if
    I’m the person you become
    If I’m still growing up

  • Eternal Families, Children, and The Best Part of Me Was Always You

    Eternal Families, Children, and The Best Part of Me Was Always You

    *Originally written 4/19/2022, edited for posting in 2025.

    I was having a discussion with my mom a frew years ago about the trend in China of younger people not wanting to have children. We talked about this trend spreading through society. This trend of young people wanting to enjoy travelling, free time, more financial freedom, and therefore, choosing to not start families or have children.

    I watched an episode of a show recently. In the show, there is an extremely wealthy and powerful couple. They put off having children. The wife has gotten older and it may be too later for her to have children, but she’s thinking about children. She has a conversation with her husband. In the conversation she says, “Why have we built all this, what is it for?” And he replies, “It’s for us, we built it for ourselves.” She responds, “But if one of us dies…”

    She hit on something there. If you only build in this life for yourself, and if at some point you die, what did you really build it for?

    Back to that conversation with my mom years ago, we talked about how this is a sad level of selfishness spreading. How much can I travel, how much freedom can I have, how much money can I have for myself, with children being only a burden that take these things away from us. Now, of course, there are those who can’t have children and don’t have a choice. This doesn’t apply to someone in that situation at all. I’m talking about all the people my age that have decided a child isn’t worth their time, because their life is more important.

    Until you give your life for another, you never truly understand your capacity to love. Until you open yourself up to the love and selfless life that is caring for a child, “selfless” is just an adjective.

    I was on a long road trip with Beth and Ivy and so I was sitting in the back seat to give Ivy company. This was before Sage and Wren entered our lives. A song started playing. I was leaning over, staring right at Ivy. The lyrics of this song are meant to describe the heartache of a breakup. But as I listened to the words and applied them to the love I felt for my daughter whom I was staring at, the lyrics took on a whole new, eternal, and powerful meaning to me. For those words to take on the meaning they did, I had to apply them in a dark and sad way. I imagined what would happen if I ever lost Ivy (tears come to my eyes as I type those words). Bear with me. The topic will not stay sad and morbid.

    The lyrics were from a song called Breakeven by The Script:

    I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
    Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
    ‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
    ‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

    Her best days will be some of my worst

    …

    While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping

    ‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces

    They say bad things happen for a reason
    But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
    ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
    And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces
    (One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
    I’m falling to pieces
    (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

    What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I suppose to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    (Oh glad you’re okay now)
    I’m falling to pieces yeah
    I’m falling to pieces (oh, I’m falling, falling) yeah
    I’m falling to pieces
    (One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
    I’m falling to pieces
    (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

    While preparing to post this, Wren crawled to my chair and pulled herself to stand at my feet. I decided to experiment if this song is still emotional when considered in this twisted context I’ve applied to it. Yup, still tears. I only let myself brush the very edge of the surface of this hypothetical.

    I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can not. “What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you?”

    I think the most difficult thing that could happen in this life is losing a child and my heart breaks at the mere thought of it. I feel for anyone that has to endure that pain. Just reading those lyrics, considering what I was writing 3.5 years ago, my chest started to ache at the thought. What I wrote here applies more than ever now that I have 3 daughters who I love more than life itself.

    “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.”

    “Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in.” This would ever happen to me. But I can see how it would for so many in this world. Which makes me sad. And is why I’m writing this.

    “’Cause I got time while she got freedom” – I’m stuck in time while she would be free.

    “Her best days will be some of my worst” – The best days for our loved ones, their return home, to heaven, is often the worst days for those left behind.

    “While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping”

    “They say bad things happen for a reason
    But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
    ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
    And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah.

    This discussion with my mom, that moment with Ivy in the car, and these thoughts originally happened over Easter weekend three years ago.

    Without the resurection, the lyrics of this song would be perfectly true. It would be impossible to go on from that sort of tragedy. But the resurection is real. Jesus Christ did conquer death. I know that Jesus Christ was resurected and that myself and my family will be resurected.

    I can’t believe that I will ever be without Ivy, Sage, Wren, and Beth for too long a period of time. This life is but a blink in eternity. I look at them, and the love I have for each of them, I know the God I love would not allow this level of love in my heart, and then not allow me to be with them forever. It makes me sad that much of Christianity does not have the truth restored through Christ’s true gospel that families can be together forever. I know that Ivy will be mine for eternity. I know that Sage will be mine for eternity. I know that Wren will be mine for eternity. When I’m 100 and Ivy is 70, she will still be my daughter. When I leave this world and she stays, she will still be my daughter. When we both have left this life, she will still be my daughter.

    To all those who might be reading this, and I’ve drudged up memories and feelings you have tried to suppress, to all those thinking about the loved one you so desperately miss now, my message to you is of hope. 

    I know that Christ suffered all of my sins so that I could be forgiven for them and overcome death through His blood and grace. I know that Christ conquered death and was resurrected, so that my family and I can be resurrected. I know that we will live together again as a family unit, because of what He did for me. This is why (though I always fall short) I’ve tried so hard to give everything to Him – my heart, my time, my love, my devotion, my life – because He already gave me everything that means anything. 

    I say with any authority I can muster, with full confidence and faith in the Plan of God: You will see your loved ones again. The ones that make you fall to pieces, the ones that just thinking about choke you up, the ones that make you feel alive but like you’re barely breathing, the ones you don’t know if you can live without because they were the best part of you: You will see them again.

    I am thankful for these truths that have been restored. I’m grateful to know that whatever happens in this life or the next, Ivy, Sage, and Wren will be mine, and I will be theirs. Forever. This goes for Beth also. Because of Jesus Christ we will be together forever. And my love for Him is inexpressable when I consider what He’s done for me.

  • Beauty

    Beauty

    What is beauty to a boy?

    As a boy growing up, the idea of beauty evolves so rapidly.

    As a toddler, anything that can be put in your mouth is beautiful.

    As you begin to walk, a ball becomes the epitome of beauty.

    As you get older, you appreciate the beauty of the world around you: mountains, snow, that very climbable tree.

    You start to appreciate animals for their beauty: your dog’s soft fur, the majestic power of horses, the effortless flight of birds.

    And inevitably, as you get older (the timing is different for every one of us), one day a girl catches your eye. It’s a new feeling of appreciation. Have girls always been this…pretty? I actually remember that particular moment in third grade. I still remember her name. I still remember thinking for the first time: this is beauty.

    And you continue to grow.

    Now you’re in fifth grade, you might get your first crush. And it’s all giddy excitement.

    Sixth grade, it’s still fun and interesting—this beauty that girls hold. You’re fascinated by it. For some of us, it becomes all we can think about.

    Now you enter high school. And many start to broaden their thinking. You still appreciate the beauty you did as a kid—in that delicious snow cone, the sound of a basketball bouncing, the unique beauty of a fish dangling on a line, the forests, the sky…

    But all of these things pale when compared to the beauty of the female sex. And you start to believe that they are a species of their own. You long to understand them.

    The world has long tried to shape, mold, and distort your view of what true beauty is. As you go through high school and grow, girls become a central theme.

    And then one day, in high school or after (again, the timing is different for everyone), you see someone — and you realize there is more. Not only is this person beautiful—you can see that immediately—but there’s more. You notice grace, you see confidence (or lack thereof- both are beautiful). You notice demeanor, kindness, a way of speaking. A way of being.

    This is someone you want to be around.

    And if you’re lucky, that person wants to be around you too. And now this person is light, air, and sustenance. Being around them energizes you. You realize: this is beauty.

    And then you get married.

    You notice there are blemishes. They do things that annoy you. They have habits you don’t understand. Somehow, your mind doesn’t reject them. Because, like the distant and jagged edges of a mountain, you know the imperfection of this person adds to their character and to their beauty.

    One day, it all changes again.

    She starts to grow around her belly. Everything the world has tried to convince you isn’t attractive starts to happen. You realize you never knew what beauty was. She literally glows.

    She grows, and she glows.

    And then your world is flipped upside down. Because you see a miracle happen before your eyes. The beauty! After that moment, you can never look at this being you’ve started a life with the same. You will never go back. You realize you have been in the presence of a Goddess—not in the cliché way we use that word nowadays, but an actual being sent with miraculous powers from a place above.

    The life she bore and created grows. And you look at this little life, and you look at the woman who brought it to you, and you try to wrap your mind around this beauty.

    The craziest part is, from this moment on, the woman—your wife—often feels her least “attractive.”

    And you look at her, and you realize there has never been anything more majestic, more miraculous, more beautiful than this person.

    This once girlfriend. This once fiancée. This wife. This mother. This person.

    She thinks the miracle she has borne has subtracted from her beauty, because the world often tells her it has. That she has lost her once great power.

    This couldn’t be farther from the truth. You want to know the truth?

    This person is the most beautiful thing to ever exist.

    This person is beauty.

  • A Lesson Learned

    A Lesson Learned

    *I wrote this when Ivy was 5 months old.

    I had an Ivy experience that I wanted to write down. It’s something I think I’ll never forget, but still good to get it written to make sure I don’t forget the lesson from this experience.

    One night I was with Ivy and doing her bedtime routine. I don’t usually do “Beth’s routine.” My routine is to rock Ivy to sleep with a bottle then lay her down. This night Beth asked me if I wanted to do what she normally did which was read to Ivy, then turn off the lights, rock her to sleep, and lay her down.

    I started reading a book to Ivy and she was thoroughly enjoying it. She was curled up in my left arm as I rocked in the rocking chair and held the book up in front of her with my right hand. She would get a huge smile on her face every time I would emotionally read a portion of the story.

    As I was reading, my left pocket started to vibrate. Normally I wouldn’t even consider answering a call at this moment. I had been making calls that week for my church calling. There were some people I needed to get a hold of, and it was important I talked to them. This all went through my mind as I held Ivy and weighed my options. I decided I didn’t know when I would get to speak to this person again and I needed to answer.

    I jostled Ivy up a bit and got the phone out of my pocket. I believed it to be only a minor inconvenience to her. I answered the phone and began talking. I expected it to be only a minute or two conversation. As I was talking, Ivy got unsettled and started to fuss. I put the phone between my right ear and shoulder and got her into my lap in front of me. I started to bump her up and down to soothe her.

    As I rocked her up and down, she got more content. When I was listening to the person speak on the other end, she even smiled and enjoyed the rocking. Then I started talking. When I talked to the person on the other end, for some reason Ivy got really unsettled.

    This is the image I have in my head. When I would be talking into the phone she would curl her bottom lip over her top lip, her bottom lip would start to quiver, and she was the saddest looking baby I have ever seen. I’ve seen her do this once or twice before, but never so directly related to something I was doing.

    This pattern repeated a couple times. I wouldn’t talk and she would smile and rock on my lap. I would start talking into the phone and she would get very upset and start to cry. The image I have in my mind is of betrayal. I don’t know if that’s what Ivy was actually thinking, probably not. But all I could think was, this was her time with me, and now I’m on the phone, and it’s upsetting her more than I’ve ever seen.

    It broke my heart.

    I got off the phone within 5 minutes but by that time the damage was done. I turned off the lights and tried to rock her which almost never fails but she was not having it. She was completely unhappy.

    Beth took over and was able to settle Ivy down and put her to sleep.

    I went outside to think.

    Now, the reason I answered the phone wasn’t bad. I don’t think what I did was blatantly bad. My intentions were good.

    As I sat outside, this is what I told myself. I got kind of bitter for a moment. Can’t I answer an important call related to my church calling? How can I be a productive and responsible member of my church if I don’t take those important calls? I was getting more upset. Then something hit me.

    There were a lot of good things that I could have been doing at that time while I was with Ivy.

    But, at that moment, there was nothing more important in the entire world than being with her.

    I wasn’t bad because I wanted to fulfill my calling, answer the phone, help someone, fulfill my duties. Those were good intentions.

    It didn’t matter.

    While I was reading to Ivy, she was the most important thing in the world. Nothing else mattered. Whether or not she actually felt betrayed by me answering that call during our reading time (again, she probably didn’t), I did betray her. That was her time with me, and I took it from her.

    I could have called that person back 15 minutes later and it would have been fine.

    I learned an important lesson I hope I never forget that night. While there are a million good things to be doing, my daughter is the most important thing in the world. Especially in the precious and far-too-few moments I get with her, nothing else in the world should matter.

    It was one of those cosmic-shift moments. One of those moments I realized would stay with me for the rest of my life. A moment I learned an extraordinarily important lesson from.

    I’m grateful for that moment, and I hope to never cause that quiver of a lip ever again.

    Reading back on this 4 years later and I think I still hold tight to that lesson learned. Just today someone told me about a celebrity who was asked if there was anything that made him jealous of other people. His reply was that he is jealous of anyone who still has kids at home.

    One day my girls will grow up and I’ll miss the playing and the wrestling and the tickling and the screaming and the tantrums and the fighting. I try to remember that every day.

    Now Ivy is almost 5 and Wren is how old Ivy was when I wrote this. Crazy.

    Wren