No Coincidences

Tag: experience

  • Are Stupid Decisions Sins?

    Are Stupid Decisions Sins?

    I was listening to the story of a guy who was riding his motorcycle 140mph when he lost control and crashed. His body skidded across the pavement at an unknowable speed when he hit a pole. I won’t go into the details of his injuries or how he survived. I’ll only say that he survived, and his injuries were extensive. He’s missing parts of his body, can’t use the restroom, his body is destroyed.

    This led me to a thought: was it a sin for him to drive his motorcycle at that ridiculous speed?

    What separates sin and stupidity?

    Let’s break down that first question a little more, was it a sin to drive a motorcycle at an unsafe speed? Is it a sin to break the speed limit? Is it a sin to break a law? The answer is no, it is not necessarily a sin to break the law.  Men and governments make laws and men and governments are corrupt. I could elaborate on this, but I think we all agree. There were some “laws” in WW2 Germany that were evil. Enough said there.

    So it wasn’t a sin to speed on a motorcycle.

    But was it stupid?

    I think the answer is a resounding YES. It was stupid to drive a motorcycle at 140mph.

    Was it a sin to put his body, a gift from God, in such a dangerous position? His decisions that led to destroying a gift from God, were those sinful decisions?

    When I had my ATV accident was I sinning? No, I don’t think I was…and yet… Yet, was it stupid to be on an ATV without a helmet? In hindsight, of course. Most would say of course even without hindsight.

    Is it a sin to do something stupid, knowing it’s stupid, and not caring? I don’t know… I think I knew it was stupid to ride on an ATV without a helmet, and I still did it. Am I stupid or was I sinning? Or both?

    I return to the question, was it a sin for someone to make decisions that he knew were dangerous and ultimately led to destroying a gift from God?

    I think the answer is no. I think that’s the answer because he didn’t know he was going to destroy his body and that wasn’t ultimately his goal. I didn’t know not wearing a helmet that day would actually risk my life, even if I knew there was a chance, I didn’t know it would flip and I would get seriously injured.

    Here’s where an important line is drawn. Sin is knowingly doing something wrong, knowing that what one is doing is wrong, and still doing it. Sin is conscious, intentional wrongdoing.

    An interesting point to make is that sin is always stupid. This is true on so many levels. Sin is knowing an all-loving Father who only wants your best has advised you of something, and you ignore it, whether due to a belief that you know more than Him or simple disobedience. This assumes a person understands that God loves them and wants the best for them. If the person doesn’t understand that, it makes their decisions less likely to be sins. This is where the principle of: with added light and knowledge comes added responsibility, comes in. More light and knowledge means more awareness of how decisions are sins.

    I believe this is why some in the church feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt that they often blame the church for. Blaming the church is kind of like blaming God. They are mad that they know what they’re doing is wrong, they still want to do it, and this causes a conflict in their soul. This is why many might leave the church.

    Back to the topic.

    Stupidity is not always sin.

    This led me to thinking more about sin. Sin is always stupid. No matter what, sin is stupid. Sin leads to hurting yourself or others in some way.

    Stupid decisions aren’t necessarily sins. Sins are always stupid decisions.

    This is why God has given us this life. It’s a training ground. It’s a chance to prove ourselves worthy of more. If we can’t handle the trials and challenges of this testing ground, how can we be trusted with more in eternity?

    I’m grateful for the life and the opportunity it gives me to be tested, with less at stake. My soul is safe because it is in the hands of Christ. All my mistakes will be paid for by Christ, they have been paid for. I just need to turn to Him. I’m immensely grateful for that.

  • Dreams and Temptations

    Dreams and Temptations

    I’ve long been fascinated by dreams. For the last six years I’ve written down every night-time dream I can remember in the morning. They are in multiple notes in my phone and at this point make up tens of thousands of words. Dreams have even turned into some blog posts.

    Through writing down so many of my dreams, I’ve been able to clearly see the themes that repeat themselves.

    What feels like many years ago now, even though it’s only been seven, I cold turkey’d a lot of bad and immoral habits. These things that used to weigh me down mercilessly have stayed consistently in my dreams ever since.

    I was pondering on why this was recently. Why is it that nearly, I don’t know, 15-20% of my dreams, if I had to guess, have the theme of drinking alcohol and regretting it in them?

    As with all things, I believe there are no coincidences with God. God wouldn’t give us this powerful memory/experience in our minds at night if there wasn’t some purpose. Of course, I believe that God can speak to us in dreams. I believe He has before to me. For me personally, through this introspective exercise, I came to appreciate the powerful effect dreams have had on me.

    In the book The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, I read,

    “What is temptation?… It is the energy through which your soul is given the gracious opportunity to have a dry run at a life lesson, at a situation that, if you can see clearly, can be removed and healed within the confines of your private world of energy and not spill into a larger energy field of other souls. Temptation is a dress rehearsal for a karmic experience of negativity.

    “The entire dynamic of temptation is the compassionate way of allowing you to see your potential pitfalls, and cleanse yourself before you can affect the lives of others… As you respond to the decoy, you cleanse yourself by becoming aware and not having to actually live through the experience.”

    This perfectly describes how I’ve come to feel about my dreams. They are dry runs.

    The most common temptation theme in my dreams is drinking alcohol. There are many dreams I have of either trying to avoid drinking alcohol or actually giving in. I haven’t experienced a hangover in a long time. After one of these dreams, while I don’t feel the ill physical effects I would if I actually drank, I do feel the guilt of having given into temptation.

    When I wake up from one of these dreams, I can feel how I’d feel if I gave in. I wake up feeling how disappointed in myself I am. I wake up thinking, “Seven years, seven years of not touching it and now I’m basically starting over.” I wake up feeling that real feeling of guilt. There is power in this, I’ve learned. I haven’t come head on with this temptation in years. Meaning, I haven’t seriously considered drinking alcohol in a long, long time. I haven’t been in a bar, no one has offered me a drink. But, because of these dreams, I can know how I would feel if I did give in, and I can know I don’t want to feel that. I can remember, because of these dreams, that a night of drinking would not be worth the disappointment in the morning. And that’s to say nothing of the hangover!

    This is not the only temptation I face in dreams. There are others. Because of these dreams, I can know with surety there are things I don’t want to do. If there is any doubt or weak part of my soul that considers doing something terrible, I have the dreams to remind me how terrible some of those actions are and the guilt I don’t want to feel.

    Pretty amazing, really. What a protection these dreams have become to me. As Gary Zukav said in his book, “How exquisite is temptation.”

    I wonder if others have had this sort of experience with their dreams? I wonder if this is unique to me. Maybe it’s some divine protection God has given me. If that’s the case, I’m so grateful for this protection.

  • Sagey Dance Party

    Sagey Dance Party

    Sage has gotten much better at sleeping at night, thank goodness. That first month was rough. One night when Sage was a month old, I made live update notes to track her sleeping and try to understand why she was having such a hard time. Here are those notes, exactly as I typed them in my phone. These were typed in a sleepless blur throughout the night. Last Night I let the Party get the best of me (round two).

    10/4 – 10/5 with Sage:

    Fussy all night.

    Between 11:30pm and 1:30am – gave her gas drops and she fell asleep on my arms maybe midnight? Transfer her to dock (her bed) and try to hold in pacifier. Continues to cry.

    1:30am appears to be in pain. Has gas.

    1:32am patting her back upright seems to provide a little relief. Not much. She’s still crying.

    1:34am can feel her farting every couple minutes. Definitely tummy trouble.

    1:36am starts to use the restroom and seems to have relief for a moment then cries much harder. This all upright on my chest.

    1:37am she randomly seems to fall asleep on my chest with no patting or anything for ~45 seconds then starts crying again.

    1:40am Again seemingly randomly falls asleep. Gently rocking on chest, very subtle. She seems to be asleep on chest. Right arm under her bum. She’s laying on her left cheek. Her right arm up by face.

    When did she eat tonight? What happened between 11:30pm and 1:30am?

    1:44am she starts to cough. Was afraid she was going to wake up. She stayed asleep.

    1:45am want to try to sleep but afraid any movement will wake her. Sitting upright with head against the wall Sage at ~45 degree angle. She just did a shudder breath but still asleep.

    1:46am she seems ok, still sleeping. Starts clutching at my chest. Her breathing becomes audible. Sounds like she’s trying to pull in air for a couple breaths.

    1:49am she starts to tense up. Sounds like she is having a hard time breathing. She starts squirming a little. She’s still kind of asleep.

    1:51am nothing has changed but she’s in pain? Squirming and moving and starts crying.

    1:52am sit more upright. She is squirming and crying. Beth sits up and says she thinks she’s going to throw up. Sage crying. Rocking doesn’t help.

    1:53am Sage falls asleep to gentle rocking.

    1:54am Sage asleep. Stop rocking. Beth in bathroom. Might have a stomach bug or something. Maybe going to throw up due to the Sage crying and lack of sleep etc.

    1:55am Sage falls asleep. Beth didn’t throw up.

    Sage ate at 11:39pm until 12:23am. I guess I was asleep at that time. I’ve been up ever since.

    1:57am Beth says Sage has been eating a lot more the last two days. An extra hour or more feeding in 24 hour period. Not this night but the night before we started the reflux medication. Tonight and the night before have been the worst nights. She also got her shot 10/3. So after shot and starting reflux medicine, I don’t think Sage has slept much at all either night.

    2:00am she’s still sleeping. Same position as last time she slept. Can hear her breathing. Quiet sound.

    2:01am Beth asleep. Seems ok.

    2:02am Sage shudder breathes. Stays asleep. Breathing gets louder.

    2:03am what’s the temperature in Ivy’s room? It’s very cold in here. My arm outside the covers freezing. Sage getting cold?

    2:08am big shudder breath. Breathing more audible. Still sleeping.

    2:10am fix duplicate note. Can’t really sleep. Too awake. Read scripture. Alma chapter 8.

    2:17am Alma 8:6 how did Joseph Smith know Maya place names ended in “ha”/”hah”?

    2:18am Sage still sleeping.

    2:20am reading in preach my gospel about eternal marriage. Someone in conference talk I listened to today, maybe yesterday (what are days?). It was Holland’s Sunday morning talk. He talked about the story of King David and how he wouldn’t take the wood and animal to make an offering to God that was free. He wanted to pay for the wood and animal. He essentially said he wouldn’t offer something to God that didn’t cost him anything. That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?. Is anything worth having worth having if it doesn’t involve some sacrifice?

    2:24am Sage is stirring a bit. Still sleeping. Right arm getting tired holding her.

    2:26am I was looking at old notes earlier from when Ivy didn’t sleep. This all seems vaguely familiar. Like a fever dream. Notes seem to indicate Ivy was much later. Like 6-8 months old which is of course right. It was after that we started her sleep training and she’s slept like a champ ever since. Our struggle with Ivy in the first two months was getting her NOT to sleep. The girl wouldn’t open her eyes to eat. We’d take her outside in a diaper in the cold to try to get her to open her eyes. Different kinds of stresses. I’m now remembering that was after my accident too. So my arm was all messed up and gauze wrapped. Oozing puss and blood all day. I have a memory of taking Ivy outside in the cold, me shirtless, arm wrapped, head wrapped in a bandage, Ivy in only a diaper, holding her up to the moon like a sacrifice. And that girl just slept through it. Lol it was crazy. Funny to look back on now. I’m sure we’ll laugh back on this with Sage too. “First 4 weeks of that girl’s life she’d pretty much only sleep on dad’s chest <3”. You gotta look at it that way and remind yourself of those things. Because, though this seems miserable, and my back and neck hurt, and tomorrow’s/today’s going to be rough, one day I’ll miss these nights. How sad is that? One day I’ll so desperately want Sage and Ivy’s attention that I’ll miss sitting up all night with them on my chest, or taking them naked out in the cold at midnight. Makes me want to cry. But I won’t cry because that would wake Sage.

    2:35am she breathed crazy and stirred for a moment but is still sleeping.

    2:36am back to preach my gospel. I wonder if I posted to my blog the post about the need for God yet? That might be coming out this Thursday. This is the perfect example of that. This night is hard. But I desperately need God’s help through it so I’m coming closer to him. And this is giving me the opportunity to ponder how precious this life on my chest is. Sometimes you get swept away in how difficult it is. It’s nice to pause and remember what a gift she is.

    2:39am I pulled my right hand out from under Sage so I can type with two hands. She’s pretty securely stuck to me, like Velcro. She’s still sleeping. Now only my neck and back hurt.

    2:43am you should go read the family a proclamation. It’s pretty good. “Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers-will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” “Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”

    2:45am Sage kicks a lot in her sleep. Beth used to talk about this.

    2:48am isn’t it crazy to think about our divine destiny? Where we’ll be one day? “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”

    2:49am I haven’t read my patriarchal blessing in a while and have been wanting to. Now seems as good a time as any.

    2:51am I got it 6 years ago. Time flies. The church website makes it really easy to get to. “He presented His Plan of Happiness through His Son and you accepted it with all its rigors and challenges.” That part is good to remember as Sage starts to stir.

    2:53am Sage still asleep. Adding Sage and Ivy to my auto-fill to capitalize their names automatically on my phone.

    2:56am I’m glad Beth is sleeping, and she’s not sick. That would have sucked if she was sick.

    2:59am “You know that the path of God will lead to eternal happiness, and He invites every soul to return to His presence.”

    3:04am I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten through my patriarchal blessing without tears.

    6:03am Sage is awake. Put her in dock.

    7:00am I’m up

    I love you Sagey.

  • Temple Miracle

    Temple Miracle

    I don’t recall a good temple miracle story for myself.  I love the temple.  I feel peace in the temple.  The truth is, I’ve felt like I have a difficult time after the temple.  The idea that you can take the temple with you and feel peace in the world after leaving, I’ve personally not experienced that.  My experience has been more that as soon as I leave the temple Satan doubles and triples his efforts to bring strife and impatience into my heart.  I feel the world engulf me when I leave that peaceful home.  Of course, those are probably my own shortcomings.

    So, if you asked me my best “temple story”- a story where I felt overwhelming peace, or received a profound answer to prayer, or something drastic in my life changed after a visit, I wouldn’t immediately have an answer.  That’s not to say those things haven’t happened.  I believe if we don’t write down the miracles we experience we seldomly remember them.  What a sad thing to forget miracles.

    Salt Lake Temple

    Which leads me to writing this, to be sure I don’t forget this subtle, but profound and important miracle.

    Recently Beth and I went to the Mesa temple open house.  It was an extraordinary experience.  It was my first time doing a tour of a temple.  I’ve obviously been in the temple many times, but never taken a tour.  Also, it’s been a while since I’ve been to the temple.  Since Covid, I’ve only been to the temple once, for my sister’s wedding, aside from this recent open house visit.

    Touring the temple was amazing.  Every picture inside the temple was spectacular.  I had a hard time not pausing to stare at every picture of Jesus Christ I encountered.  I would have held up the tour if I had done so, but I love staring at any depiction of Christ and trying to fathom who He is.

    The beauty in every detail of the temple is awe-inspiring.  It is a place of pure peace.  I kept tears at bay as I walked through the halls and eternally significant rooms as I realized how much I had missed that place. 

    This leads to my miracle.  It’s small, almost unnoticeable, but significant.

    Beth and I had been having some difficulty the few days, maybe week, leading up to this open house visit.  Normal marriage stuff.  Strife, snippy comments, unkindness, our house hadn’t been a super peaceful and happy place.  I say this with the vulnerability of knowing we (as people, society, etc.) don’t often admit these things, but it’s important to understand what happened after the temple.

    There was something I realized I needed to say to Beth earlier that day, but it was difficult to say because it’s extremely difficult for me to be “touchy-feely” or “lovey-dovey.”  Wasn’t how I was raised. So there was something I needed to say but it was going to be difficult.  Then, after the temple, it came out so naturally and easily.  I believe the temple brought it comfortably out of me. Maybe because being in the temple had reminded me of the covenants I made there with Beth.

    On our drive home from the temple I told Beth this:

    “Things have been hard the past few days but that’s marriage.  It’s not always going to be great.  It’s going to be difficult and we know that.  But I need to remind you, and I need you to know, I’m not going anywhere.  I’m never going anywhere.  And neither are you.  We are here for each other no matter what, no matter how hard it gets.  We made covenants to each other and I plan on keeping mine and I know you plan on keeping yours.  And throughout any challenge we’ll become closer, and more united, and stronger for those challenges.”

    This led to a conversation about the covenants we made and how important our faith is to us, and to our relationship.  I know Beth and I will always be together because I know what our relationship is centered on.  Our relationship is centered on Jesus Christ and a covenant we made with each other that included Him.  Without that rock, without that stable foundation, the world is just too shaky and full of turmoil.  But I know we will grow through any challenge because we made eternal covenants and we plan on sticking to them.

    Where Beth and I were sealed for eternity

    I believe being in the temple in some subconscious way reminded me of the covenants we’d made and made it so easy to have that deep, emotional, and important discussion.

    I’m grateful for the temple and the covenants I’ve made there.  Life and marriage is difficult enough.  With the option of walking away, too many do.  The temple is God’s house and I know that to be true.  I know it is a beacon in a dark world.  I know it is where peace can be found.  I know it is where eternal covenants and a welding link can be established.  I am eternally grateful for that home. I am grateful for the miracle it provided me that day. I am grateful for the miracle the temple is in my life every single day, whether I visit it or not, due to the covenants made there.

    San Diego Temple