No Coincidences

Tag: fatherhood

Parenting and Consequences of Choices

Sunday morning we were supposed to sleep in. We were going to church at a later time to join Beth’s family since her sister Eve was in town. Any parent knows how it goes when you’re hoping to sleep in. It’s like the kids have a sixth sense for your hope and immediately squash it. Sage woke up at 6:30 and Ivy was up at 6:45. This, for the record, is much earlier than even Sage, who isn’t a great sleeper, usually wakes up.

Beth brought the girls out to the couch. I was tired and groggy.

In true teamwork fashion, Beth and I decided to split up. I went back to sleep for an hour while Beth hung out with the girls. My hour felt like 5 minutes and I was back with Ivy and Sage while Beth got her additional rest before the day got into full swing.

I took Ivy and Sage into Ivy’s room.

Long story short – Sage was ready for a nap and unhappy about everything and anything. Ivy, the newly potty-trained, walked over to her bed, laid down, and had an accident in her bed. I learned that when I went to lay Sage in Ivy’s bed to rest and saw it was wet. I tried to feed Ivy a banana while Sage screamed and I cleaned up wet sheets and blankets. Ivy took the piece of banana I’d given her and threw it across the room. I tried to stay calm and asked her not to throw food. As I continued to clear off pee-covered sheets and blankets, Ivy walked to where I’d left my breakfast – the rest of the banana and a peeled orange – and proceeded to throw it all over the room.

That’s when I lost my patience.

Voices were raised. Toddlers were told to stand in the corner. Stern words were spoken. Sage was still screaming.

I lost my temper.

It was then, standing with Sage in my arms screaming, Ivy naked from the pajama shirt down, crying in the corner, that I started to take deep breaths.

It was then that I started trying to assess why my temper was so short.

“I’m usually better than this,” I thought to myself. “What’s going on? Well, I’m tired, obviously.”

Wait, why was I tired? (Well, besides always being tired).

Flashback to the previous night. Beth had taken Sage in to sleep, and I stayed on the couch. I thought about reading but then came across a movie on TV that I hadn’t watched in a long time. It was Super Bad. I have long cut rated R movies out of my life. But this was made for TV. All the curse words had been cut out. That didn’t make the movie a productive use of time to watch. I ended up staying up way too late watching this stupid movie.

I remembered all this as I stood with a screaming baby and a crying toddler, after I’d just yelled and not handled Ivy’s outbursts and energy nearly as well as I would have liked.

I realized I had no excuse for my behavior. Why was I tired, grumpy, and now losing my temper? Because I’d stayed up later than I should have. There are all the excuses – I deserve some time for myself, I deserve to be able to relax, I haven’t stayed up late for myself in so long, on and on. Was it the worst thing in the world for me to stay up late and watch a movie for myself? No. Was it the worst thing in the world, the next day, to yell at my daughter because I was now grumpy? No, but it felt like it.

My choices had consequences.

There was no excuse for how I had lost my temper with my girls.

I kneeled down by Ivy in the corner. My extended rocking of Sage had calmed her so she was quiet for a moment. I spoke to Ivy calmly and slowly, “Ivy, I just got very frustrated. I’m sorry. I should not have yelled. Will you forgive me?”

Smile.

“Yes, Daddy.”

I continued to tell Ivy that I get frustrated when she doesn’t listen and throws food. I told her I love her so much. I asked her to please help me the best she could and I’d try to be better too.

I sat with Sage on the floor and rocked her to sleep. Ivy, seemingly a completely different child, sat at her table. She got her laptop (a little pink toy), and a stack of books. It was calm. I realized I hadn’t meditated yet, something I usually do first thing in the morning. I asked Ivy if it was OK if I closed my eyes, meditated, and took some deep breaths.

“Yes, Daddy.”

I set a timer, closed my eyes, prayed, and breathed for 10 minutes. When I opened my eyes, Ivy was quietly reading books at her table.

I am off the charts blessed with my two girls. I love them so much. They’re amazing. Ivy is such a good kid. She is strong, patient, kind, gentle (most of the time), and smart. Sage is in a bit of a difficult stage. You can tell she wants to crawl and move and do so much. But she is so happy, smiley, and bouncy. My two girls are amazing.

I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for how they teach me to grow and be better. I’m grateful for their patience with me. That moment when Ivy said she forgave me, man… what a feeling of love. Not just my love for her, which is endless, but also her love for me, which is clearly unconditional.

This was another parent and life lesson. My choices have consequences. I can do dumb stuff like stay up late and watch a movie. But I CAN’T take it out on my girls in the morning because I didn’t get enough sleep and now I’m grumpy.

It’s OK not to get enough sleep. It’s OK to be grumpy. It’s even OK to lose my temper sometimes. It’s OK for me to struggle. But it’s not OK to not give them my absolute best. It’s not OK to make excuses why it’s OK for me to lose my temper and yell at them. That’s not OK. Every action has consequences. It’s not their fault that I stayed up late.

I love them so much.

This parenting thing is hard, rewarding, growth-inspiring. I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for every moment. The good and the bad. I love it. I love them. I love my family.

May 25, 2023
Why do we Love our Children?

I recently heard a quote so good I want to quote it in full:

“Think about this. When a little baby is born, that baby cries at inopportune times, makes a lot of noise. It soils its diapers; it demands to be fed when it wants to be fed. It costs you a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of lost sleep. So why do we keep putting up with these little creatures? It’s because there’s this deep, underlying feeling of love for these children of ours. We love them so much that we don’t look at what it’s costing us. We keep infusing life and we keep teaching, and we keep forgiving, and we keep working with, and we keep nurturing and feeding and helping them to grow to become who they need to become and who they have the capacity to become.”

I think that’s an awesome quote. Well said.

I’ve been thinking about this more lately. With a toddler that is so full of joy and happiness, and also, sometimes, not. And a 7-month-old that still isn’t sleeping great. And with plates thrown and irrational frustrations (by the toddler), and crying and no sleep and…

Ivy “loving” Sage

*Sigh

The energy it takes. The life force being sucked out of me.

And.

Would I go back if I could?

Not in a kagillion-billion-zillion-babillion years. I love them so much. It’s all worth it.

Is it hard? Heck yeah. It’s so hard. Do I feel like I’m dying a slow death sometimes? Uh, yeah, I do.

And then, Ivy smiles and says, “Dada. I love you.” And Sage sees me and inexplicably giggles. And suddenly, all that sucked out life force flows into my body from my head to my toes in a rush of energy and exhilaration and LOVE. It’s like nothing else in this world: looking at my two daughters. The love.

As a parent, speaking for myself, there’s a point where you become numb to the sacrifice and all you give up for your children. There was a time when having to get up once in the middle of the night to check on anything would ruin my entire night of sleep. At this moment, the average night has at least 3 middle-of-the-night wake ups. Zero wake ups in the night is a miracle.

Early on with Ivy, I really struggled with this. I started to wonder how I could survive without getting sleep. And now we’re starting over with Sage who doesn’t sleep nearly as well as Ivy did. I’m probably getting hours less sleep per week than I ever have. And yet I feel alive and invigorated. Somehow, I’m surviving. I think it’s that infusion of love I get from seeing them happy, healthy, and growing each day.

Ivy the morning after waking me up three times in the middle of the night. She didn’t go to sleep with the crown.

The time, the noise, the diapers, the feeding, the money, the energy, the sleep put into these “little creatures.” And yet, do I regret it? A resounding NO! I want more. I love them so much, it hurts. Sometimes it physically hurts how much I love them. That quote above came from a video of a guy discussing the Lectures on Faith. I’ll link it HERE.

He was talking about the attributes of God. That wasn’t where the quote ended.

“If we as mortal parents can figure that out (the love for our children), how much more do perfect, eternal parents have that figured out? God is a God motivated by love. It’s not just this outward thing, it’s part of the divine characteristic. God is love. Without that, you and I can’t have full faith in God unto life and salvation.”

We’re here to learn to love like God. God, Christ, and the Holy Ghost love so perfectly that they have become one in mission, intent, and purpose. That is the love I feel for my family. I would give anything for them. My wants and needs have taken three back seats. Beth, Ivy, and Sage’s needs are so much more important than mine. The “world” will try to say this is unhealthy, that I need to “put myself first” or “take care of myself.” Of course, I don’t completely disregard my health and care, but that idea that I come first is extremely wrong. I don’t come first. I know that. And not coming first is what gives me strength each day. That infusion of love that comes from my family makes every sacrifice the sweetest sacrifice there is.

If I feel this way, as a mortal man who knows how to give good gifts, how much more perfectly does God love me? How much more is He willing and able to give me because He loves me? I know God loves me. I am eternally grateful for His love. Now, He is teaching me how to love.

April 13, 2023
Dontcha know I know

All of Ivy’s life, when she’s been upset or crying, I’ve said, “Dontcha know I know?”

This is my way of saying jokingly, “Don’t you know I know what it’s like to not want to get dressed, not want to eat certain food, to be hungry, to be tired, to be upset, etc.?”

Today was Sunday. I woke up from a nap and I watched a video depicting the Atonement that Jesus Christ performed.

Sage started crying in the other room. She’d been having a rough day. We think she has some acid reflux and stuff like that. Sometimes her tummy gets upset. This day seemed to be hard for her.

Sage likes to tilt her head way back and stretch out her stomach. Apparently, this is a sign of acid reflux. I went to the other room and picked up Sage and put her into her favorite position. Head in my hands tilted back, stomach stretched, looking up at a ceiling fan (she LOVES looking up at ceiling fans).

This provided a little relief, but she was still crying on and off.

When Sage was still fussing, I started to say my automatic, “Dontcha know…”

And that’s where I stopped.

I didn’t know what it was like to have acid reflux, and for my stomach to hurt like hers did, and to not be able to find relief whatsoever on my own, and to only attain some relief if Mom or Dad came to hold me a certain way. Even if I had that experience as a baby myself, I don’t remember. I didn’t know or remember what Sage was feeling.

But someone did. I believe that Christ, during that infinite and indescribable Atonement, even felt the pains of an infant with acid reflux. I believe He felt it all.

“Children are alive in Christ” (Moroni 8:12).

I couldn’t know what Sage was feeling. Dontcha know I didn’t know. But He knows, and He felt it, and He remembered it.

When Sage cries she’s communicating to us that she needs help. It’s me and Beth’s job to come to her aid and help her with what she can’t help herself with. How many things, as adults, do we need help with that we can’t do ourselves? As adults, we think of ourselves as so independent. But all we do relies on the Lord. We rely on Him to allow our breath to work within our bodies, water to hydrate us, food to nourish us. These things don’t happen of ourselves but because of Him.

God and Christ come to our aid when we need it and especially when we ask for it. Christ knows how to hold us just right to help ease our pain and give us relief. Rely on Him for aid just as little children rely on their parents. Be ye as little children (Matthew 18:3).

Christ felt it. Christ remembers it. Christ experienced it. Turn to Him and He will help all our pains, challenges, and afflictions.

February 2, 2023
Float

If you’re a parent and ever get frustrated with your kids (every parent), especially if they are younger kids, you need to check out the Disney short called “Float.”

It’s only 6 minutes long and can be watched on Disney+ or HERE.

I have to remind myself often that Ivy is constantly experimenting. Everything she does is an attempt to understand the world around her. She’s never really trying to make a mess or destroy things. She’s only trying to see how that food that’s thrown will splatter and land.

This Disney short reminds us that all children are unique and special. No matter how challenging our children are, we must remember they’re the greatest gift in the world. Every so often I have to pause and watch Ivy and think how amazing it is she is what she is. She was nothing 3 years ago. Today she is a living, breathing, experimenting, ever challenging, extraordinary person.

I have to constantly temper what I think I want from Ivy.

I want her to be confident, but I like it when she is quiet and reverent in public, especially at church.

I want her to be independent but one day I’ll desperately miss her wanting to hold my hand.

I want her to want my attention. Unless I’m busy.

I want her to laugh and have fun and show joy. Unless it’s too loud.

I want her to ask for help when she needs it, but I want her to do things she is capable of without me. At the same time, like the hand holding, one day I’ll desperately miss when my babe needed my help.

All these contradictions we go through as parents.

This is a short post just to be a reminder to all parents that your children are special. What makes them difficult and challenging is what makes them special. We aren’t meant to change our children. I actually think they’re meant to change us.

Watch Float.

December 22, 2022
Sagey Dance Party

Sage has gotten much better at sleeping at night, thank goodness. That first month was rough. One night when Sage was a month old, I made live update notes to track her sleeping and try to understand why she was having such a hard time. Here are those notes, exactly as I typed them in my phone. These were typed in a sleepless blur throughout the night. Last Night I let the Party get the best of me (round two).

10/4 – 10/5 with Sage:

Fussy all night.

Between 11:30pm and 1:30am – gave her gas drops and she fell asleep on my arms maybe midnight? Transfer her to dock (her bed) and try to hold in pacifier. Continues to cry.

1:30am appears to be in pain. Has gas.

1:32am patting her back upright seems to provide a little relief. Not much. She’s still crying.

1:34am can feel her farting every couple minutes. Definitely tummy trouble.

1:36am starts to use the restroom and seems to have relief for a moment then cries much harder. This all upright on my chest.

1:37am she randomly seems to fall asleep on my chest with no patting or anything for ~45 seconds then starts crying again.

1:40am Again seemingly randomly falls asleep. Gently rocking on chest, very subtle. She seems to be asleep on chest. Right arm under her bum. She’s laying on her left cheek. Her right arm up by face.

When did she eat tonight? What happened between 11:30pm and 1:30am?

1:44am she starts to cough. Was afraid she was going to wake up. She stayed asleep.

1:45am want to try to sleep but afraid any movement will wake her. Sitting upright with head against the wall Sage at ~45 degree angle. She just did a shudder breath but still asleep.

1:46am she seems ok, still sleeping. Starts clutching at my chest. Her breathing becomes audible. Sounds like she’s trying to pull in air for a couple breaths.

1:49am she starts to tense up. Sounds like she is having a hard time breathing. She starts squirming a little. She’s still kind of asleep.

1:51am nothing has changed but she’s in pain? Squirming and moving and starts crying.

1:52am sit more upright. She is squirming and crying. Beth sits up and says she thinks she’s going to throw up. Sage crying. Rocking doesn’t help.

1:53am Sage falls asleep to gentle rocking.

1:54am Sage asleep. Stop rocking. Beth in bathroom. Might have a stomach bug or something. Maybe going to throw up due to the Sage crying and lack of sleep etc.

1:55am Sage falls asleep. Beth didn’t throw up.

Sage ate at 11:39pm until 12:23am. I guess I was asleep at that time. I’ve been up ever since.

1:57am Beth says Sage has been eating a lot more the last two days. An extra hour or more feeding in 24 hour period. Not this night but the night before we started the reflux medication. Tonight and the night before have been the worst nights. She also got her shot 10/3. So after shot and starting reflux medicine, I don’t think Sage has slept much at all either night.

2:00am she’s still sleeping. Same position as last time she slept. Can hear her breathing. Quiet sound.

2:01am Beth asleep. Seems ok.

2:02am Sage shudder breathes. Stays asleep. Breathing gets louder.

2:03am what’s the temperature in Ivy’s room? It’s very cold in here. My arm outside the covers freezing. Sage getting cold?

2:08am big shudder breath. Breathing more audible. Still sleeping.

2:10am fix duplicate note. Can’t really sleep. Too awake. Read scripture. Alma chapter 8.

2:17am Alma 8:6 how did Joseph Smith know Maya place names ended in “ha”/”hah”?

2:18am Sage still sleeping.

2:20am reading in preach my gospel about eternal marriage. Someone in conference talk I listened to today, maybe yesterday (what are days?). It was Holland’s Sunday morning talk. He talked about the story of King David and how he wouldn’t take the wood and animal to make an offering to God that was free. He wanted to pay for the wood and animal. He essentially said he wouldn’t offer something to God that didn’t cost him anything. That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?. Is anything worth having worth having if it doesn’t involve some sacrifice?

2:24am Sage is stirring a bit. Still sleeping. Right arm getting tired holding her.

2:26am I was looking at old notes earlier from when Ivy didn’t sleep. This all seems vaguely familiar. Like a fever dream. Notes seem to indicate Ivy was much later. Like 6-8 months old which is of course right. It was after that we started her sleep training and she’s slept like a champ ever since. Our struggle with Ivy in the first two months was getting her NOT to sleep. The girl wouldn’t open her eyes to eat. We’d take her outside in a diaper in the cold to try to get her to open her eyes. Different kinds of stresses. I’m now remembering that was after my accident too. So my arm was all messed up and gauze wrapped. Oozing puss and blood all day. I have a memory of taking Ivy outside in the cold, me shirtless, arm wrapped, head wrapped in a bandage, Ivy in only a diaper, holding her up to the moon like a sacrifice. And that girl just slept through it. Lol it was crazy. Funny to look back on now. I’m sure we’ll laugh back on this with Sage too. “First 4 weeks of that girl’s life she’d pretty much only sleep on dad’s chest <3”. You gotta look at it that way and remind yourself of those things. Because, though this seems miserable, and my back and neck hurt, and tomorrow’s/today’s going to be rough, one day I’ll miss these nights. How sad is that? One day I’ll so desperately want Sage and Ivy’s attention that I’ll miss sitting up all night with them on my chest, or taking them naked out in the cold at midnight. Makes me want to cry. But I won’t cry because that would wake Sage.

2:35am she breathed crazy and stirred for a moment but is still sleeping.

2:36am back to preach my gospel. I wonder if I posted to my blog the post about the need for God yet? That might be coming out this Thursday. This is the perfect example of that. This night is hard. But I desperately need God’s help through it so I’m coming closer to him. And this is giving me the opportunity to ponder how precious this life on my chest is. Sometimes you get swept away in how difficult it is. It’s nice to pause and remember what a gift she is.

2:39am I pulled my right hand out from under Sage so I can type with two hands. She’s pretty securely stuck to me, like Velcro. She’s still sleeping. Now only my neck and back hurt.

2:43am you should go read the family a proclamation. It’s pretty good. “Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers-will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” “Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”

2:45am Sage kicks a lot in her sleep. Beth used to talk about this.

2:48am isn’t it crazy to think about our divine destiny? Where we’ll be one day? “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”

2:49am I haven’t read my patriarchal blessing in a while and have been wanting to. Now seems as good a time as any.

2:51am I got it 6 years ago. Time flies. The church website makes it really easy to get to. “He presented His Plan of Happiness through His Son and you accepted it with all its rigors and challenges.” That part is good to remember as Sage starts to stir.

2:53am Sage still asleep. Adding Sage and Ivy to my auto-fill to capitalize their names automatically on my phone.

2:56am I’m glad Beth is sleeping, and she’s not sick. That would have sucked if she was sick.

2:59am “You know that the path of God will lead to eternal happiness, and He invites every soul to return to His presence.”

3:04am I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten through my patriarchal blessing without tears.

6:03am Sage is awake. Put her in dock.

7:00am I’m up

I love you Sagey.

December 1, 2022