No Coincidences

Tag: fear

  • The Limits We Put on Ourselves

    The Limits We Put on Ourselves

    There’s an interesting exercise you can do.

    Start by pointing straight out with both of your hands. Now turn one direction as far as you possibly can. Keep turning. When you’ve gone as far as you can go, see what your hand is pointing at.

    Now, do the exercise again, but this time, with your eyes closed. With your eyes closed, go as far as you possibly can, keep going, and going.

    I’ll wait.

    It’s fascinating that with your eyes closed you can turn further.

    Our minds always set limits on us. We can do so much more than we realize we’re capable of.

    Think about everything that has ever been done in the history of the world. Every building, every structure, every action, everything started with just a thought. The power of our minds is so un-tapped, so un-realized.

    One day we will look back and know what our minds were capable of and how we limited ourselves. The power is there, sometimes I think we’re just afraid to use it.

    __________________

    I wrote the above years ago.

    I was fascinated about that exercise when I read about it, tried it, and found it to be true. How could that be true? How could I go as far as I thought, reset, close my eyes, try again, and go significantly farther?

    It was so interesting to me. It still is.

    Faith is so important to me. I hope this blog I’ve been writing every week for 5.5 years (!) is an indication of that.

    And yet I feel like my faith is extremely weak.

    I tell myself faith can move mountains and yet I put so many limits on myself due to fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

    As I read the above post these years later I think about my potential. I look at my three young girls and I think about their potential. Do they truly believe they can do anything?

    I’m constantly trying to free myself from the limits I’ve put on myself but it’s so hard.

    I ended that post years ago in an outward, ‘we should all think about this,’ sort of way.

    Now I’m being a bit more introspective.

    Since I’m being introspective, I don’t know quite how to end it.

    I guess I’ll end it like this: believe in yourself. Saying that as much to myself as to anyone reading.

  • Me and Moses

    Me and Moses

    Before you start reading, I will be comparing my WEAKNESS to Moses’s weakness. Don’t worry, I’m not comparing myself to Moses in a good way.

    I liked that title for this blog post because it gives off a good ‘ole image of Moses and I getting ready to go do some fishin’ or somethin’.

    There is never a moment I feel more like Moses than when I’m asked to speak in public, especially in church.

    I’m referring to Exodus 4:10:

    10 And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

    When I first thought about coming back to church in ~2011 there was one overwhelming obstacle in my path: what if I’m asked to speak??? I know to many this seems absurd. But I hope it goes to illustrate how big a fear this was (and still is) for me. I have memories of being a deacon (12–13-year-old) in church and dreading a Sunday School class I learned would be spent reading scripture out loud. It filled my entire body with fear. It made me lock up. It made my throat tight. It made me gulp over and over. It made me sweat. I would start to feel like I might throw up.

    Some of you think you have a fear of public speaking.

    Now do you get how big a fear this was and still is?

    I know others have it worse than me.

    When I did finally come back to church in ~2015, I had to make a decision early on. That decision was that I would not let my fear of speaking hold me back. God had brought me back and I had experiences to share and people to help. Not only that, but I had to learn to lessen the control fear had on my life.

    I decided when I was asked to speak in church, I would accept. That was until that first text came in one morning asking me to give the opening prayer in church that day. I froze. Instead of responding to the text, I called a mentor (I miss you Jessie) and talked it through. He reminded me that if I said no today, when would it stop? By the time I responded to the bishopric member who asked me to give the prayer, he had already reassigned it to someone else. I was off the hook that day, but I promised myself the next time I was asked to speak, I would accept without hesitation, before I could let the fear and excuses set in.

    Little did I know how much that next call would try my faith.

    I was in the middle of studying for a work certification. I’d already failed the test once and this next test was extremely important. I’d been studying for weeks. The test was a couple weeks away when I got the call. I was asked if I could speak in church in two weeks. The excuses flooded my mind: I have this test I’m studying for, I can’t write a talk, and besides, the added stress…! I can’t, I’ll have to accept next time.

    Then I remembered the promise I made myself. 

    “Yes, I will speak.”

    That taught me an important lesson. If we let our fears control us, they will. There are always excuses why NOT to do something that makes us uncomfortable. I spoke two weeks later in church. Beth still talks about that day, hearing me speak, as being the first day I caught her attention.

    From that day forward if I was asked to bless the sacrament, give an announcement in church, say the prayer, teach a lesson, or speak, I always answered yes without hesitation. It petrified me every time. I remember one day I gave someone the Holy Ghost which entailed laying my hands on a friend’s head and giving her a priesthood blessing in front of our entire church. That same day I also blessed the sacrament in front of the whole church, and I gave a talk in front of the whole church.

    Any one of those things in a given day would have given me nightmares.

    Before sacrament, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to be physically ill. I went to an empty classroom, I knelt, and I prayed for help.

    “Please, Heavenly Father, please, just help me get through this. I need you.”

    That may have been the day I solidified my knowledge that I can’t do anything without God, I’m nothing without Him.

    When I gave that blessing to the friend, bestowing the Holy Ghost upon her, I walked up with knees shaking. I thought I was going to, at a minimum fall over, and possibly faint. My throat was dry, and it hurt. I’ll never forget the feeling when I put my hands on her head, with the whole congregation, heads bowed, waiting for me to speak.

    I’ll never forget feeling like a cold bucket of water was poured over my head. From my head down to my toes I felt a tingling. Calm overcame me.

    My grandpa used to say his favorite thing in the world was to give a priesthood blessing because it was the closest he ever felt to God. He said he could feel God in those moments speaking through him.

    That’s what I experienced that day.

    I wrote this on a day that I was speaking in church. I still get kind of sick to my stomach. I still get extremely nervous. I still have to fight back the panic.

    Sometimes people tell me they can’t tell I’m nervous when I speak. I appreciate that, but sometimes I just wish everyone knew. There’s power in putting it out there.

    For others who have this fear, and I know there are many, my biggest advice is to put it out there. Don’t shy away from your fear. When I’m extra nervous, I might just say, “I’m really nervous right now.” Then I feel like I’ve removed the question from those watching and from myself worrying about it. I’ve found this to really help when public speaking.

    I’m grateful for my fear of speaking. It’s assured me, and is a constant reminder, that I can’t do anything without God.

    For those wondering, on the day I wrote this, I did end up speaking and it did go OK. I was supposed to speak for 10 minutes and spoke for 22 due to an excess of time being available. I feel that with practice anything can become more comfortable, and that’s definitely the case with me and public speaking.

    I’ve now taken to challenging myself a little more, to see just how far I can take this reliance on God. The last time I was asked to speak in church I intentionally put zero preparation into my talk. I was asked to speak last minute, a couple days beforehand, due to someone canceling, and the topic was “personal revelation,” so I thought it was a fitting time to try it.

    I got up before the church with little idea of what I was going to share. As I looked around at the congregation, I knew what I wanted to share.

    I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak in church. I’m grateful to be able to share my thoughts and experiences. This fear is a constant reminder that I need God, and I’m grateful for this weakness. Every time I’m asked to speak I’m reminded how weak and silly I am. We can look at all our weaknesses this way, as a reminder of how much we need Him. I know as we do this we come closer to God and better appreciate all He has done and continues to do for us.

  • This is Repentance

    This is Repentance

    Sometimes I struggle with the idea that my sins have been made completely white through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that I’m completely forgiven for everything I’ve done.

    I know this disrespects the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that’s part of my biggest struggle. The last thing I ever want to do is belittle what Christ did for me.

    The thing is, sometimes I still dwell on my past sins. Sometimes I still think about them. Sometimes I still feel remorse and guilt. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve paid the full penitence to those I hurt. Have my sins been washed away? Are they completely gone if I still remember them?

    I rationalize this, and I believe it’s true, that I remember them for my benefit. I have to remember them or I might return to them. It’s the remembrance of guilt that keeps me from wanting to go back to being that person.

    I understand this intellectually.

    Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand how Christ can have forgotten my sins, washed them away as if they never happened, when I can’t forget them myself.

    The young men I work with and I recently studied Isaiah chapter 1.

    Isaiah 1:18 reads:

    “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

    After reading that I emphatically emphasized something to those young boys. What I emphasized was this:

    “When you truly repent, and show remorse, and try your absolute hardest to not do it again, Christ forgives and forgets your sins. Period. White as snow. It’s as if they never happened. Don’t be deceived. Satan will have you believe you can never be forgiven for a mistake. This is the great lie. You can be forgiven. If you repent, Christ will forgive. Not only that, He won’t even remember it. It’s like it never happened. I can’t stress this enough.”

    That’s what I said to my young men, and I believe it’s true.

    But… do I believe it’s true?

    Given what I just wrote?

    I had a thought today for the first time ever. I often think about the time of judgement. That time when we stand before Christ and have our life reviews. I’ve never feared that moment. The thought that occurred to me today is: why don’t I fear that moment? I have so much to be embarrassed by, so much to be ashamed of in my past behavior. Why haven’t I worried about it before? It occurred to me that one day my wife, Beth, will see how I once was. I’ve tried to tell her, but I don’t think she gets it. Then it occurred to me that my family will see it too. I will be so ashamed! Why haven’t I feared this before?

    Then it hit me.

    Maybe that’s repentance.

    Repentance is knowing – yes, I did those things. Yes, I made many mistakes. But though my skins be scarlet (they are and were) they shall be as white as snow. As I type this, I hold back tears. That’s what Christ has done for me. That’s what repentance is.

    Luke 15:7:

    “I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.”

    D&C 18:13:

    “And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”

    I am that soul. I don’t know how the life review will go. If my sins are forgiven and forgotten, are those parts reviewed? I don’t know. But what I realized was, and why I’ve never feared that moment, is even if all my abhorrent behavior is shown, it will be ok. It will be ok because I changed.

    That thought of Beth seeing how I used to be? It occurred to me that maybe she’ll love me even more after seeing all of it because she’ll see how much I changed. She’ll be able to see the full picture of how far I came to be a semi-decent husband and father.

    I think that’s what repentance is. Knowing that even if all your sins are laid out, you’re still forgiven.

    That’s repentance.

  • The Millionaire Mind

    The Millionaire Mind

    I mentioned in another post the repetitive nature of the book The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J. Stanley. It’s a world-famous, best-selling book written in 2000. Being written 22 years ago makes it slightly outdated (might be the billionaire mind now), yet it is clearly still relevant today. The repetition is undoubtedly intentional as that’s the way humans learn. What were the repeated points made over and over, then? What does this book clearly think are the most important aspects of becoming a millionaire or having a “millionaire mind”?

    Before I give the list of things I found repeated in the book, it’s important to point out a distinction made in the book between types of millionaires. In the study of millionaires, the author, Dr. Stanley, was looking for “balance sheet millionaires.” He wanted people with high asset, low debt net worths. For obvious reasons this book was NOT a study of individuals who appear to be living a millionaire lifestyle when in reality they were in huge amounts of debt.

    Here are the things I found myself highlighting over and over from that book:

    1. Marriage is conducive to becoming a millionaire, or financially independent. This is for various reasons including but not limited to:
      • Having a support system and partner
      • Combining skills and talents (2 is better than 1)
      • Stability
    2. Generally, millionaires are cautious with how they spend their money. “Cheap” is not a fair characterization, but frugal might be. They are cautious with their money and particular about how they spend it.
      • The book used the example often that millionaires never bought a car over $41,000 or paid more than $38 for a haircut.
    3. Often, millionaires started their own business. It’s difficult to become a millionaire when you’re being paid by someone else.

    I find point 3 very interesting. There’s a guy on YouTube that has gotten popular making one type of video. In these videos he walks around asking people in expensive cars, “what do you do?” Common answers heard are attorney, doctor, and real estate. But the overwhelming majority of the answers are some form of “I started my own company x.”

    I think about this often. This was the point stressed over and over, more than any other point made in this book. The dead horse was beaten relentlessly. If you want to get “rich,” start your own business. If you don’t know this, I’m telling you now, so now you know. But I think most of us know this. And yet, so few of us start our own business. Why is that?

    Like I said, I think about this a lot. I think there are various reasons more people don’t venture out and start their own thing. They can be boiled down to:

    1. Fear
    2. Doubt in oneself
    3. Laziness
    4. Ignorance

    That’s it. I think those are the four things that keep someone from starting their own business. Working for someone else is stable and comfortable, going out on your own is scary (fear). When it’s up to you and you alone to succeed, the excuses go out the door. Relying on yourself for your paycheck requires a lot of confidence in oneself (doubt in oneself). Laziness is probably the greatest detriment to progress in life (laziness). Finally, ignorance in not knowing where to start, or thinking people who start businesses just knew something they didn’t or had some secret (ignorance). Often this is an accepted ignorance. The thinking that others have a secret sauce of success. This ignorance is tied to laziness more than anything.

    There is *usually no secret sauce. Usually someone who starts their business had less fear, less doubt in themselves, were the opposite of lazy, and did the research and work. Simple as that. I’m trying to work myself towards a financial freedom goal. It’s slow work and I find myself running into these four hurdles constantly:  fear, doubt, laziness, ignorance.

    All these things can be defeated, and I think we would benefit ourselves greatly to face these challenges head on and step out of our comfort zones. Of course, that’s easier said than done.

    So what’s my conclusion? Why am I writing this post if I myself can’t step out of my fear, doubt, laziness, and ignorance? I don’t know yet. But maybe one day I’ll look back on this post and think, “well I was always thinking about it, and eventually I got there.” That’s the hope.

  • Recovery Update

    Recovery Update

    Quick update on my recovery.  Nothing short of a miracle. The cover picture you’ve already seen is my head and arm today. It’s amazing. Read to the end to see the healing my head has gone through. Be warned, it is NOT pretty.

    There has been real fear that I would have a permanent divot in my head.  Like a mini crater.  It was a likelihood that I would have a permanent bald spot.  There were concerns about it healing and sealing up properly.  There were many concerns. 

    I never concerned myself with much of this.  It was something Beth and others would discuss.  For one, I’m old, married, with a kid anyways.  I always thought a bald spot would bother me.  Once you get old, who really cares.  Secondly, I didn’t concern myself with it because I knew it would work itself out.

    Where I used to fear touching because there was a hole and I didn’t want to fully know what was going on back there, is now just a scab.  Where we thought I might have a permanent crater and baldness, you can’t even tell there is an injury.  My hair has grown long and now it blends in with the scab that has filled in my head.

    There was some concern about how my arm might heal.  I briefly had thoughts about whether the healing skin would tighten up and restrict movement.  It’s my shooting shoulder!  I set aside those concerns.  It would heal or it wouldn’t.  I wish I had the poetic ability to properly describe how it has transformed.  From extremely painful, you’ve seen the pictures, to basically looking like a scratch.  As of right now, it looks like I got a mild sunburn.

    The third thing aside from my head and arm that was a concern was the helicopter bill.  Our initial bill was for $46,198.50. You can imagine this would cause some amount of stress.  I can say that Beth was pretty stressed about it.  I say this with little pride, I like to think she was positively affected by my calm outlook.  This is more due to our different demeanors than anything.  It’s something I’ve written about before.  Where Beth is pragmatic and planning, I like to think God will take care of it.  See The Chance of Faith for more on that.  God is likely more on Beth’s side.  But I was not worried.  We would have to pay it, or we wouldn’t.  Either way, God was watching.

    Despite my lack of worry and naïve, innocent belief that all would work out, I was still not looking forward to paying $46,000.  For that reason, it was quite a relief when, after Beth’s work with forms and paperwork, our bill was dramatically decreased.  I won’t give the exact amount, leave some intrigue, but I will say the decrease was ridiculous.

    What’s the moral of the story?

    I’m lucky?

    Yes, I am.

    I mentioned when I was on the ATV my brother gave me a priesthood blessing.  I asked him 3 days after the accident what he said in the blessing.  He replied that I was blessed that I would heal, and Beth wouldn’t lose me anytime soon. Again, my healing has been nothing short of miraculous.  Anyone who has seen my head progress over the past 6 weeks is blown away.  It’s unbelievable. 

    Am I lucky?

    Yes, I am.

    When I was 25 years old, I was ordained an Elder and given the Melchizedek Priesthood.  I was so excited I invited every person I knew to be there.  I was receiving the power and authority of God, to act in the name of Jesus Christ.  I could heal, bless, baptize, and give the gift of the holy ghost.  It was the most important moment in my life at that point.

    Here is my testimony.  The priesthood is the power and authority of God gifted to His children here on earth.  When my brother laid his hands on my head and blessed me with health, it wasn’t the average prayer.  The power that coursed from his hands to my bleeding head, the authority I myself had given him just months prior, that power literally healed me.  That blessing was in affect and ordained by God.  My brother worked hard to be worthy to bless me in that moment.  That blessing came from heaven.

    The priesthood authority is not mythical.  It is not imaginary.  It is a real power to act in God’s name.  When I was blessed on that ATV, I was healed.  I know it as sure as I am still breathing and typing this. 

    It’s a miracle how I’ve healed.  I couldn’t heal like this without divine authority.  I couldn’t heal like this unless God intended it to be.  I was blessed by his power and authority.  Why was I at peace throughout this process?  Because 3 days in I asked my brother what he blessed me with that day.  When he said, “you’ll heal,” I knew it would be.  There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. 

    I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for what he has blessed me with.  Last week I was able to bless my daughter with the same priesthood authority.  I know the blessing I gave my daughter was ordained by God and will also be in full affect.  I can’t thank God enough for the priesthood He has blessed me with.  How it blesses my life and my family’s life every day.

    I know that the authority to act in God’s name must come by the proper channels.  I know that Joseph Smith was visited by Peter, James, and John and given the keys to this priesthood power.  I know the Church of Jesus Christ was restored and we are blessed by His delegating those keys to us, to simple, flawed man.  He has trusted us with power.  I am grateful to Joseph Smith for restoring the priesthood power and authority.  I’m grateful for every blessing I’ve received and given in my life. 

    I know that God has authorized this. I look forward to the day when I can kneel before him in humble amazement and ask how He could love us so much, that He would give us all He has.

    This my testimony in the sacred name of Jesus Christ.

    ________________________________________

    I will provide some picture evidence of the miraculous nature of my recover.

    *****WARNING*****

    Please don’t keep scrolling if you get queasy easily. These are pictures I refused to look at until today. You can call me a wimp, but I had to step outside for some fresh air after seeing them. You’ve been warned.

    2/1/21:

    2/3/21

    2/8/21:

    2/16/21:

    2/18/21:

    2/24/21:

    3/3/21: