No Coincidences

Tag: frustration

  • Spanking

    Spanking

    This last weekend Beth went out of town so it was Daddy weekend with my girls. We had an awesome weekend. We had Daddy Dinners which included meals Dad loves but Mom doesn’t (there’s a whole lotta chili involved). We spent a whole day at the pool. We went to a Notre Dame High School barbeque with food, snacks, and activities. We went to the grocery store TWO times. We had a movie night in Dad’s bed with the projector. It was a great weekend.

    Ivy has had some behavior challenges of late. Those challenges continued over the weekend.

    On Sunday, the last day before Mom was coming home, we went to church. Ivy did not do a good job and we had to leave before the first meeting was over.

    I was so frustrated. I loaded all three girls in the car and turned on the AC. I had to go back into church and clean up the mess we always leave behind, while the church meeting continued around me, load it up, and take the girls home.

    When we got home I put Wren down for her nap, setup Sage on the couch to watch a show, and took Ivy to her room.

    Despite the awesome weekend, Ivy’s misbehaviors loomed large. The most challenging thing as a parent is when your child is awesome 95% of the time and then does really, really bad things the other 5%. Because of the 95% you know she’s so capable.

    I won’t go into detail on the behavior but lest you think me a harsh, mean Dad, I’ll just say the behavior was unacceptable and important to be corrected. I’ll leave it at that.

    After Ivy was in her room I stood over her fuming. I was so frustrated. I took deep breaths to calm myself. I told Ivy I had to spank her.

    We don’t spank. It has happened maybe twice in our family and I don’t like it. But enough was enough. Ivy had to learn some things were unacceptable. I didn’t know how else to bring that lesson home.

    She freaked out a little when I said I had to spank her. As she was doing that, I closed my eyes and prayed.

    She asked what I was doing.

    I told her I was praying asking Heavenly Father what I should do. I was asking for help on how to deal with my daughter with love. How to show her I loved her but that her behavior had to be better. I desperately didn’t want to spank her. But I didn’t know what to do.

    Ivy loves pretending to be characters. It’s a fun thing about her. I love it. I love her creativity and her mind. All day every day she’ll pretend to be Dash from the Incredibles, the red head girl from the movie Leap, Alfalfa from Little Rascals, Justin Bieber when she’s singing, Ghost Spider, Huckleberry Finn, Snow White. You name it. If it’s a fictional character (or sometimes not fictional, see Justin Bieber), Ivy has pretended to be them.

    Back in Ivy’s room, considering spanking, not wanting to, praying for help, I don’t even remember thinking it. The next part just happened. I told her no more characters until she could improve on the things she wasn’t improving on. I told her I was not participating in her fun ritual of being different characters throughout the day until she could fix her behavior.

    Ivy reacted way worse at this than if I had actually spanked her. You’d have thought I told her the world was ending. She was beside herself. Distraught. She begged me to let her be a character. I told her not until she improved and I left her in her room for nap time.

    I did not spank her.

    When Ivy woke up she immediately asked if she could be a character and I said no. I told her she could be a character after three days of making good decisions.

    That was two days ago as I’m writing this and Ivy’s behavior has improved 100-fold. Zero issues. Zero problems. Every day she has asked when she could be a character again. I’ve told her the day it can happen if she keeps doing a good job. She has accepted this.

    Now it’s Tuesday night and I’m writing this. She is very excited to be Justin Bieber tomorrow.

    I reminded her that if her actions revert back it will be another 3 days of no characters. I don’t think it will come to that. This has been a brutal 3 days for her.

    This is your reminder that prayer is real, and prayer is powerful.

    I was praying for help and I received it. I say again, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It just came out of my mouth. “Ivy no more characters until you start to behave better.”

    I didn’t want to resort to spanking, but I thought I was out of options. I didn’t know what to do. With God, and prayer, there is always something else you can do.

    God answered my prayer that day and I’m so grateful for that. I know Ivy and Sage and Wren will have other challenges. They’ll never be perfect and I don’t want them to be. I hope they’ll accept that I’m extremely, very much, far from a perfect dad.

    But as their behavior is challenging and I think I’ve run out of options, I hope I can remember to pray.

    The Father of me, you, and the universe answers. In this life I’ll never be a perfect Father. But they still have a perfect Father.

    And He loves His children.

  • Thou Shalt Not Covet a Perfect Day

    Thou Shalt Not Covet a Perfect Day

    *This was written in 2022. No I did not forget about my other daughters or Bengie’s death.

    The morning of the 4th of July I woke up to a disaster. Our dog, Bengie, was not feeling well, and despite letting him out a combined 9 times between Beth and myself throughout the night, there was dog poop everywhere in our house. Everywhere. Bedroom, dining room, living room, by front door, bathroom. It was insane.

    Needless to say, my day wasn’t starting the way I wanted it to. I was hoping to sleep in a little and I was up at 7am cleaning dog poop everywhere. Literally everywhere.

    As I was walking around cleaning up, and fuming, I realized I was headed toward a ruined day. I was so upset. I realized my day was going to be horrible if I let it. A ruined day. I immediately tried to change my mindset, but it was so hard. I just couldn’t let it go. Stupid dog! I didn’t mean that, I love Bengie, but ugh. Ruining my day off!

    Finally, I got everything cleaned up and I realized I was not getting over this frustration. It was so embedded in my mind. I couldn’t stop being mad.

    I usually meditate first thing in the morning. Since my routine was so crudely interrupted, I hadn’t yet. I went to do my normal meditation. At the end of the meditation, I asked God to please help me get over my frustration and not let it destroy my day. I asked Him to help me to move on and be able to enjoy my day with my family.

    I came out of the room after meditating and Beth and Ivy were both on the couch. I was happy. I can’t explain it. The craziest part was, I forgot about it. I know it’s hard for someone reading this to understand, but this thing that was eating away at my mind and happiness, this gripe and frustration that I couldn’t let go of, was gone. I didn’t realize it until I said my prayer before bed that night. I knelt and started to say my prayer. I was thanking Heavenly Father for how great the day was and how much fun I had with Beth and Ivy and how much we got done around the house and that’s when it hit me. I remembered how the day started. The ordeal had literally been wiped from my mind. I hadn’t even remembered it happened until that moment. And then I got to thank God for allowing me to move passed my frustration that morning.

    It’s not normal to just forget starting your day with 90 minutes (not joking) of cleaning up poop in your home. But it had completely left my mind after that morning prayer and meditation. I realized what God had done for me. I’d asked for help moving on and not being frustrated, and He had removed it from my mind. I was able to have joy that day, not dwelling on how it didn’t start just how I wanted it to. In the grand scheme, was that morning clean-up that big a deal? It could have been. If I let it sour and ruin a great day with my family. Again, I know someone reading this might not understand. But that is an answer to prayer. And I’m grateful for it.

    It wasn’t until typing this, and trying to put the timeline together, that I remembered something else about that morning. I was on call that day for work. After finishing cleaning up after Bengie, I had a work emergency that I had to spend 90 more minutes on. 3 hours of cleanup and work on my Fourth of July. I had completely forgotten about it. It ended up being a great day. My mood, by an actual miracle, was not affected.

    What is the power of positive thinking?

    What is the power of prayer?

    I was recently reading about the Ten Commandments in True to the Faith. The Tenth Commandment said this:

    “‘Thou shalt not covet’ (Exodus 20:17). Coveting, or envying something that belongs to another, is damaging to the soul. It can consume our thoughts and plague us with constant unhappiness and dissatisfaction.”

    I could have “coveted” a perfect morning. I could have coveted sleeping in and waking up to a beautifully cleaned home for a great day of swimming and playing with Ivy. Mornings are rarely perfect, and houses are seldomly beautifully clean. I could have let it “consume [my] thoughts and plague [me] with constant unhappiness.” That was where I was headed. Luckily, I turned to my Father. He gave me the tender mercy of forgetting and moving on. Move on from a mess to the bright sun and pool.

    During my meditation today, it said,

    “As we navigate our emotions, our choices have a reinforcing affect. Irritation strengthens irritation, patience fortifies patience. So, when you notice yourself repeating a habit of frustration or impatience… make a conscious choice of which quality you want to grow.

    As Thich Nhat Hanh said, ‘Every feeling is a field of energy. A pleasant feeling is an energy which can nourish. Irritation is a feeling which can destroy. Under the light of awareness, the energy of irritation can be transformed into an energy which nourishes.’”

    We can control our minds and attitudes. Even when we can’t, there is prayer. When we turn to prayer and trust that He can wipe our minds of irritation and unhappiness, we realize how truly powerful our Heavenly Father is, and how much He loves us.

  • War or Cheesecake Factory

    War or Cheesecake Factory

    One morning at 7:30am I received a frantic call from my below neighbor yelling at me asking why I didn’t tell her my unit flooded. 

    I hadn’t had a ton of interactions with this neighbor, but this was the first time she yelled at me.

    I calmly replied by saying, “there hasn’t been any flooding for me, what’s going on?”

    She angrily told me that there must be flooding.  She hadn’t been home for a week, and she could see it coming from the ceiling and how could I not tell her we had a leak!

    I said, “Let me clarify, I haven’t seen any flooding on our end.  If there’s a leak, I have no idea about it.  But I will look into it right away and see if we can find anything.”

    I got details on where her flooding was and all that.

    I must emphasize that she was understandably freaking out.  She was angry, she walked into her unit completely flooded and thinking I was responsible.  I responded with a calm tone and explained my side and let her know I would get to the bottom of it as soon as possible.

    This neighbor had a friend come over to look at her and my unit and determined the leak was coming from her end, thank goodness I wasn’t responsible.  This friend of hers was working all evening in this hot, humid kitchen trying to fix her issue.  Beth made him up a plate for dinner.

    By the end of the week, with us not having water for most of it, this neighbor was leaving us a gift card to a restaurant (see title of post if you’re wondering where).  I had been in constant communication with her throughout the week, helping however I could, and staying in touch on where they were at with repairs.  This neighbor thanked us for our patience, help, and feeding her friend dinner that night, thus the gift card.

    I thought back on that 7:30am call.  What if I responded confrontationally to her call?  What if my response was, “what do you mean a leak?! We don’t have a leak! That’s your problem!”

    Even if it turned out to be her problem, we would have been at war, and Beth and I wouldn’t be headed to Cheesecake Factory for a free meal tonight.

    Kindness, patience, understanding, and TONE can go such a long way. 

    I understood immediately when my neighbor called that she wasn’t mad at ME.  She was frustrated.  That frustration may have been pointed in my direction, but if I put myself in her shoes, I could immediately understand why.

    Society has become too quick to yell back.  If we all took a second and looked at it from the other person’s perspective, we’d have a lot less Twitter wars and a lot more visits to Cheesecake Factory.

    I’ll take the Cheesecake factory any day.

  • First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    Beth and I have been married for 15 months.  If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine.  It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice.  But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020!  I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.

    First let me comment on the pandemic.  While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around.  Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us.  We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months.  It’s crazy to think about.  What’s even crazier is I love it.  It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her.  We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day.  That was great.  As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together.  It’s been nice. 

    It hasn’t been all roses and bliss.  While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations.  I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).

    Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in.  If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her.  I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that. 

    I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice.  This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking.  He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart.  He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return.  Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife.  You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.

    My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example.  He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return.  Christ served only to serve.  He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ.  Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ. 

    It hit me how dumb I’d been.  Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions.  I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.”  I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love.  It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married.  He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.”  I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.

    I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart.  Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home.  I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.

    Let me be clear about something.  I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point.  While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate.  I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws.  I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me.  I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her. 

    Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed.  Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration.  I have to stop myself and remember.  Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something?  No.  I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife.  She does so much around the house and does so much for me.  There’s no keeping score.  Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.

    The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel.  We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration.  It’s not always easy,  but it’s possible.  It’s what we’re here to learn.  We’re here to learn patience and love.  I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving. 

    I see a sad trend in our society and the world today.  We give up too easy.  Love and marriage aren’t easy.  If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding.  We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it.  It makes me sad.  Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life.  Too many people give up too quickly.  It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.

    I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life.  From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities.  I’m grateful for my marriage.  I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity.  I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die.  I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉.  (Just kidding!  Were you paying attention?  No brownie points!)

    I’ll conclude with a great quote.  The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley.  I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult. 

    “There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

    Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

    Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”