No Coincidences

Tag: Guilt

  • Guilt

    Guilt

    Every once in a while, I feel guilt for things I did, the person I used to be, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, the horrible things I was a part of. I know it seems…like I haven’t really changed if I only feel that guilt every once in a while. Guilt is an interesting thing. 

    Every once in a while, I look back on who I was. I’ll feel some guilt for the worst things I was a part of. I think I’ll always feel that, in this life, to some extent. It’s like a prick in my side, as the scriptures would say. It stays with me because I need to be reminded of where bad choices lead.

    The most interesting thing about the guilt of my past is it’s not really there, anymore. By this I mean, when I think about it, I more think about the people I hurt, and I feel sorry. But those feelings have become distant, like an old me.

    I know there will be, or I hope there will be, some people who read this that I did hurt. I know they’re going to read this and scoff. “Oh good for you, you’ve been forgiven. What about me? The person you hurt.” That’s the guilt that still hits me sometimes.

    I have tried to reach out to some people from my past, especially early on. There were things I had to say and people I had to speak to before the weight of my guilt could be lifted off me. It’s intrersting…for years I didn’t let go of some of the weight I was carrying. And it was a weight. It was slowly killing me.

    I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I haven’t chosen to forgive myself.

    I know a lot of my friends who have only known me in the last few years read this. They might sometimes wonder what makes me so passionate about church, God, the gospel, etc.

    I know a lot of my friends and people who knew me back when I was in full “of the world” mode and they now wonder, “What the heck changed? When did he become a God nut?”

    I know there are people from high school who will think similar things.

    I hope this explains a little bit about why I’ve become so passionate to share about Jesus Christ, to talk about Jesus Christ, to write about Jesus Christ. I hope for everyone who knew me in high school, everyone who knew me through college, everyone who knew me through church, I hope this can explain why I can’t stop talking about Jesus Christ.

    At least once a week I cry in gratitude. Because when I think about my past, it’s not really there anymore. Like I said, some guilt will always be there. But the overwhelming sadness at who I used to be is gone. I shed tears once a week asking God why. Why did He save me? What am I worth to Him?

    I can’t be ashamed of Jesus Christ anymore. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be a believer and outward worshiper of Him for too long.

    Today, I feel with an all too real sensation that He died for me. He suffered, and bled, and was scourged, and was insulted, and humbly took it, for me. Without Him that guilt would still be killing me. I’ve been washed clean by His blood. And that’s why I’ve changed. For all those who used to know me, that’s why I am the way I am now. Because the feeling of what Christ did for me is too real of a feeling.

    This forgiveness didn’t come over night. I didn’t one day feel great. It was months and months of being on my knees, crying, begging. It was reaching out to certain people. It was being humble enough to admit I made so many mistakes. And over time, I don’t know exactly when it happened, but one day my guilt was a thing of the past. Sometimes I feel guilt because my guilt is a thing of the past.

    Guilt is an interesting thing.

    I still make many, many mistakes.

    If there is anyone reading this that is still scoffing, thinking, “Well you were a jerk to me, screw you.” Please forgive me. You can comment here anonymously and really lay into me. I know there are still things I might need to make up for. Christ forgave me but others might still have to. Please reach out to me if I ever hurt you so I can try my best to ask for your forgiveness.

    For anyone reading this who thinks their choices are who they are. Your choices make you only if you continue to make them. As soon as you decide to change someone will be there to change you. Guilt doesn’t have to be with you forever. It can be washed away. Trust me, it’s a miraculous feeling. 

    I sometimes wonder how I could change so drastically. Being a person who said things like “washed clean in the blood of Christ” or “Christ saved me.” I never thought I would say things like that. They sound so corny. Then, in quiet moments by myself I’m overwhelmed by God’s love and that He gave His Son to die…for me. Then I decide I’ll be as corny as I have to be. I can’t be embarrassed anymore. I just can’t. Because I know Christ was never embarrassed to claim me. Through all my mistakes and through all the moments He should have turned His back on me, He never would, He never did. He always loved me. 

    I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I’ve been forgiven because of Him. It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and it’s free to us all. 

    It’s why I still cry EVERY time I hear this song: 

    And I Stand All Amazed:

    Video “Remembering in Whom We Have Trusted” by Elder Allen D. Haynie 

    *I wrote this sometime around 2019. As I edited it to post in 2026, I felt some sadness at things that are less true than they were 7 years ago. For example, I no longer cry at least once a week. I think about this sometimes. I really used to cry once a week, during the sacrament, when I thought about what Christ did for me. It’s less often now.

    While I want to retain that passion and that burning feeling of gratitude within me for what Christ has done for me, it’s also kind of beautiful that I’m less emotional. Part of the reason I’m less emotional is because I feel less guilt about past deeds. I think over time the Atonement of Jesus Christ has more and more healed my soul and my guilt.

    I still owe Him a tremendous debt of gratitude. I still owe Him everything. I hope to hold to those emotions while also being able to let go of past guilt as best I can. It’s a balance. A balance afforded me by the Great Healer.

  • Your True Identity

    Your True Identity

    *I originally wrote this in 2022.

    I’d like to discuss Grace and our Identity.

    In a recent address to young adults of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the prophet of the Lord, President Russell M. Nelson, talked about the three defining identities of a member of Christ’s church. Those identities were:

    1. Child of God
    2. Child of the covenant
    3. Disciple of Jesus Christ

    The grace portion of what I’d like to discuss, like President Nelson’s identities, will focus on members of Christ’s church. This doesn’t mean what I’m saying here doesn’t apply to all. I believe it does. Whether someone believes in God or not, the first identity of all God’s children is true. Every soul on this earth is a child of God, whether they believe it (or like it) or not. The other two identities are not excluded from anyone. Anyone can be a child of the covenant by aligning themselves with God. Anyone can be a disciple of Jesus Christ. These must be choices.

    Now that I’ve established that this is for everyone, let’s talk more about President Nelson’s message of identity. President Nelson emphasized that if the Lord spoke directly to us, the first thing He’d want us to understand is who we are; thus, the identities. It’s my testimony that the Lord was reminding us of this, through His mouthpiece, the prophet.

    President Nelson said:

    “Tonight, I plead with you not to replace these three paramount and unchanging identifiers with any others, because doing so could stymie your progress or pigeonhole you in a stereotype that could potentially thwart your eternal progression.

    There are various labels that may be very important to you, of course. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that other designations and identifiers are not significant. I am simply saying that no identifier should displace, replace or take priority over these three enduring designations …”

    The world would so quickly have us forget who we truly are, and our true potential. The multitude of designations we can apply to ourselves pale in comparison to “Child of God.” Can you imagine being a prince of a nation, and calling yourself a peasant? Can you imagine being the president of a university and calling yourself a student? Can you imagine being the captain of the team, and calling yourself a bench warmer? That is what many of us do every day when we give ourselves any title but “Child of God.” Wear your title with pride. Your Father is God of the entire universe. He is King, He is Ruler, and you are His Child.

    “Make no mistake about it: Your potential is divine. With your diligent seeking, God will give you glimpses of who you may become. … As you embrace these truths, our Heavenly Father will help you reach your ultimate goal of living eternally in His holy presence.”

    -Russell M. Nelson

    Let’s transition into Grace. I can’t say anything better here than Brad Wilcox said in his talk His Grace is Sufficient, so please read the talk to remind yourself how patient and loving and kind our Savior is. I believe this may be the most powerful address ever given, especially for our day. I mean that literally. His Grace is Sufficient is so filled with eternal and significant truths, you could quote the whole thing. I will quote much of it here.

    I believe there is an epidemic in the Church of people not feeling good enough. I believe this aligns with President Nelson’s message of forgetting our identity. I think it also aligns with a misunderstanding that Satan has perpetuated, a misunderstanding of Grace and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

    Brad Wilcox said, “Too many are giving up on the Church because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short.”

    He then gave an example:

    “There are young women who know they are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves them, and they love Him. Then they graduate from high school, and the values they memorized are put to the test. They slip up. They let things go too far, and suddenly they think it is all over. These young women don’t understand grace.”

    I would add – these young women don’t understand who they are. Slipping up doesn’t take away any of your three identities. Because you make a mistake, are you no longer God’s daughter? Because you slip up, are you no longer a daughter of the covenant? Because you’re not perfect, are you not a disciple of Jesus Christ? If that were the case, Christ would never have disciples! Be less hard on ourselves. And remember who we are.

    Few paragraphs in a talk have applied more perfectly to me:

    “There are young men who grow up their whole lives singing, “I hope they call me on a mission,” and then they do actually grow a foot or two and flake out completely. They get their Eagles, graduate from high school, and go away to college. Then suddenly these young men find out how easy it is to not be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, or reverent. They mess up. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “This is stupid. I will never do it again.” And then they do it. The guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit. These young men don’t understand grace.”

    For me, it was a process of making mistakes, and then deciding I didn’t need to ask for forgiveness. The guilt of asking for forgiveness wasn’t worth it. I just moved on and stopped asking. But my soul was crying out. What saved me was my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Without that testimony of His restored Gospel, I would have never returned. It wasn’t worth feeling the guilt. But once I did return and reminded myself of the fruits of repentance and the pure joy of forgiveness, I could never go back. I continued to make mistakes and I continued to fall short. I continue to fall short. But that day when I cried tears of joy in a church parking lot, I felt Christ so palpably and so near, I knew I could never go back. I knew I had to keep trying. My soul had been starved for so long and once I felt the grace of Jesus Christ, which I only had to ask for, returning into my very being, I couldn’t go back.

    I plead for all of God’s children, all of you, my brothers and sisters, to not give up. Ask for that forgiveness, endure the guilt, and feel the overwhelming joy.

    Brother Wilcox in continuing to describe me, “…guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit. These young men don’t understand grace.”

    I definitely didn’t understand grace until I’d felt it’s full magnitude. Don’t give up on who you are. Don’t give up on who you can become. Don’t forget your true identity. “In all of these cases there should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).”

    “Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source.”

    Let Christ be your constant energy source. Don’t give up.

    “I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace… I believe in you. I’m pulling for you… And Jesus is pulling with you.”

    -Brad Wilcox

    What has Christ done for us? What has God given us? President Nelson reminded us:

    “In short, They have offered you everything! Heavenly Father’s plan for His children allows us to live where and how He lives and ultimately to become more and more like Him. His plan literally makes the richest blessings of all eternity available to us, including the potential for us to become ‘joint-heirs with Christ’ (Romans 8:17).”

    “God will do “everything He can, short of violating your agency, to help you not miss out on the greatest blessings in all eternity.”

    Don’t give up. Don’t be discouraged. Never forget your divine heritage and what it affords you. You are a child of God! A joint heir with our Savior, the King, Jesus Christ. Don’t ever replace your identity with something temporary, that only this world gives. Satan abandoned his identity and now he wants nothing more but to deceive you into abandoning yours. Don’t do it!

    I bear my testimony that Christ’s Grace is Sufficient. He died for me, and He died for you. He did it all. There’s nothing we can do to screw it up if we just turn to Him. There’s nothing we can possibly do to make God abandon us. He loves us with a love we can’t comprehend.

    One day we’ll stand before Him, our Father, and we’ll remember. We’ll remember what love truly is, and we’ll remember who we are. Remember today and move towards that glorious light of living with Him, our Savior, and our families through eternity.

  • Forgiveness, Doves, and The Chosen

    Forgiveness, Doves, and The Chosen

    Surprisingly I haven’t written about the Chosen yet.

    I’m about to finish season 3. I think this is an important TV show.

    In this season, there is a moment when Mary is talking to Tamar, a woman from Ethiopia.

    Mary voices jealousy towards Tamar for seemingly being able to push her way into the group without any hardships. Mary points out that she needed demons cast from her and to be pulled drunk from a tavern to get to her current place with Jesus. Mary seems to think Tamar is lacking humility due to her lack of trials.

    It was at this point that Tamar said something that jumped out at me while I watched:

    “Jesus forgave you, but you choose to hold on to it.”

    An episode later we get a look into Matthew’s past. Matthew is my favorite character.

    We see a flashback to when an old man came to Matthew during Matthew’s time as a tax collector. The man brazenly admits to legally accumulating tons of debt in an effort to help his children. The man will be sentenced to a prison camp because he’ll never be able to pay back the debt. He doesn’t care; he is an old man.

    The man then gives Matthew some prayer tassels. They are seemingly worthless, but the meaning of the old prayer tassels was significant to the old man. To him, those tattered tassels were priceless.

    The man gives them as a gift to Matthew telling him that one day he may regain his faith and need them. Matthew insists that he will never need those prayer tassels. The man insists.

    Matthew held onto those tassels and Mary found them.

    When Mary asked about them, Matthew told her the story. He didn’t understand why the man gave this sentimental item to him. Mary explained that the old man wasn’t giving some prayer tassels to Matthew, he was giving his faith to Matthew.

    Matthew’s response:

    “Why would he do that for someone like me?”

    Mary then told a story about a time she was going to kill herself. The only thing that stopped her was a dove. She saw it in the distance and took it as a sign that she shouldn’t do what she was considering.

    She told Matthew that man who gave away his prayer tassels was Matthew’s dove.

    These scenes from this powerful show gave me a lot to ponder.

    I often feel like Mary and Matthew.

    “Jesus forgave you, but you choose to hold onto it.”

    “Why would he do that for someone like me?”

    I pondered on whether I’m holding onto anything. Are you?

    The second question is a question I ask myself often. Why would God do this for someone like me? Why did Christ suffer, for me?

    Are we too hard on ourselves?

    I think back on some of my doves.

    Love is Powerful.

    The Inspiration.

    RIP Coach.

    Sometimes I think I’m like Mary, holding onto guilt that Christ no longer wants me to hold. That said, I have an interesting relationship with my guilt. I don’t dwell on it. I think a lot of it has left me. Still, sometimes I think I feel unworthy.

    We all hold onto things we should let go, becuase Christ already forgave us.

    We are surrounded by doves, those people that see our potential. We can always be the dove to someone else when they feel like they’re coming up short.

    We all feel unworthy sometimes, even though those around us see our potential. And God always sees our potential.

  • Pornography

    Pornography

    This topic, unfortunately, becomes more and more prevalent, and more and more of an issue for us today.  It’s come up so many times, I’ve heard it so many times, and it’s such an issue that I felt I should share some thoughts on this uncomfortable subject.

    I believe I was 12 when my parents had “the talk” with me.  It still stands out as undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.  I wonder if most people remember that talk.

    It’s a joke between Beth and I that I won’t have any part of the talk when it comes time for my kids to have it.  Of course, I’ll have to be there… I think.  Back turned.  Pretending like it’s not happening.  Preferably at a couch watching TV while it happens behind me in the kitchen, just like my dad did it.

    I don’t like talking about any of that stuff.  This expands to a lot of areas.  I used to joke constantly with Beth that I wouldn’t be in the delivery room.  Of course, I was there.  I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I anticipated.  Maybe I’m getting older or something, or potentially the life-altering magnitude of the moment got to me, who knows. 

    This is why I’m shocked, myself, that I’m writing down these thoughts.  Maybe I’ll even share them.  I’m writing them because I think I have a perspective to share that could maybe help others.  I think I’m writing it because I believe it might be good to talk about these things more, as much as I hate it.  There’s some power in putting uncomfortable topics out in the open.

    Pornography is a plague that is killing young boys, adolescents, teenagers, and adults.  It is destroying boys and men alike.  Lust is an extraordinarily powerful tool for Satan to use.  I am emphasizing males.  I don’t do this to imply females have zero trouble with this topic.  They do.  I focus on males because I think it’s obvious that it’s a bigger issue for males than females.

    Beth and I have had some candid discussions about the differences between men and women.  Beth has been a firm believer in the idea that men must control their minds and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to control a man’s mind by dressing modestly, etc.  I think I’ve opened Beth’s mind a bit to how different boys/men are to girls/women.  On that note, I think Beth has learned how difficult it is to be a boy.  Especially a teenage boy, nowadays.  The hormones of a teenage boy are a force to be reckoned with. 

    Now, this is in no way a post about how guys don’t need to control their thoughts or what’s in their pants.  The exact opposite, actually.  I should start by saying this:  every man is capable of controlling themselves.  I have friends who have gone from struggling mightily with pornography to going a year without viewing anything.  It is possible.  Not only is it possible, it’s liberating, it’s empowering.  You can learn that no part of your body controls you.  Your mind and soul control you.  Once you realize this truth, unlimited power, your mind, is at your disposal. 

    There is never an excuse to let your mind wander and start to misuse women, even in our thoughts.  Christ spoke of this often (Matthew 5:28).

    However, I want to note and emphasize how difficult it is for our young men growing up today.  How difficult it is to be a teenage boy.  Again, I don’t write this to excuse the behavior.  I write this, in part, for every woman that judges a man without having any comprehension of what it’s like to be a man.  The difficulty of being a man is multiplied ten-fold for teenage boys.

    There needs to be some patience and understanding from women about men.  There are so many things we (men) have no clue about women.  The same can be said for women understanding men.  The simple fact is many women have no idea what it’s like to be a man.

    Temptation is everywhere.  Any billboard, movie, tv show, commercial, picture, image on the internet, person on the street, app on a phone, song lyric, the list goes on, can trigger immoral thoughts.  Often mundane and only slightly sexual things in nature can lead to instant feelings of temptation and immoral thinking.  We as men are programmed with this gift and curse.  Gift because it can lead to a love, respect, admiration, desire, etc. for women.  Curse for the other obvious reasons.  As Boyd K. Packer said to all young men, “Your body is the instrument of your mind and the foundation of your character.  It has within it powers which, if properly used, will contribute greatly to your exaltation.  If you use this gift worthily, it will serve you throughout all eternity.”

    The challenge for teenage boys is feeling ashamed of these things.  Once too much shame sets in, young boys will naturally resort to privately giving into temptations, and then feel dirty and wrong when they do it.  It is wrong.  But the dirty part is tricky, because it’s a part of us.  It’s something that needs work to control.  The most important thing is to always come back to Heavenly Father and always try to be better.  The worst thing that can happen is a young boy turning inward and feeling overwhelming guilt, shame, and embarrassment about these urges.  You can turn away from God, but He doesn’t want that.

    I have heard of eternal companionships ending over “pornography addiction.”  This makes me so sad.  I’m sad for the woman, who has given up on a man who has the potential to change.  For every woman judging their husband too harshly, give our boys, and yes, even our men, a chance.  It is hard being a boy.  It is so hard being a boy today.  Pornography is everywhere, it is accessible, it is easy.  This doesn’t mean you don’t need to be loved by your husband or that him watching pornography is ok.  But your relationship can be made so much stronger if you embrace this challenge, support, and uplift him through it.  Instead of judging, think how hard this might be for the man.  Think how ashamed he might feel.  Then show compassion and help him.

    Women: help men, stop judging them and deciding you’re unsafe, or they are evil, or they are wrong for this difficult challenge they must face.  “In sickness and in health.”  Does this not apply to someone going through a personal struggle?  “For time and all eternity.”

    I mentioned an example of someone that struggled, as in, pornography multiple times a day, every day.  His situation was handled in three easy steps:

    1. He talked to his wife.  He told her he had a problem and needed help.
    2. He talked to church leaders.
    3. He talked to a couple friends and got support to help him through it.

    Additional thoughts for these three points.

    ONE is not possible if his wife is going to be irrational, uncaring, or judgmental.  This friend was supported by a loving wife who understood that he was a phenomenal person who had a challenge he had to deal with.  She was proud of him for having the courage to come to her.  She was involved in the rest of the plan (steps two and three). 

    TWO took courage.  Kudos to anyone strong enough, and self-aware enough, to talk to their church leaders, openly confess, and start themselves on a path of improvement. 

    Finally, THREE did not involve overbearing, controlling, constant checking in.  A couple friends held him accountable.  They didn’t judge him.  They didn’t harass him.  They didn’t stalk him.  They trusted that the struggling friend would come to them when he needed support. 

    A year later, the struggling friend has slowly moved towards complete abstinence from pornography.  This wouldn’t have been possible without a loving, supportive group around him.

    For those struggling with this issue, I should add an important, recent note from this friend.  When talking about my own, unrelated to pornography, bad habit, this friend told me: “Don’t give an inch when it comes to abstinence.  Not saying you and *activity are the same as me and porn, but to stay clean I have to shut all forms of lewdness out, not just specifically porn and rationalize bikini pics as not porn since there is no nudity.”

    I have a female friend who once told me her husband had an intense pornography addiction.  It was debilitating and affected his everyday life.  It was so bad he didn’t keep a cell phone.  At all.  To remove the opportunity, he got rid of his cell phone.  Some might say “this is weak, just control it.”  I say, sometimes admitting we are weak is the greatest strength.  I admire this “sacrifice” for ultimate well-being. 

    Do you need someone’s computer password sometimes?  Do you need to monitor them, watch over them, keep them more accountable?  Maybe….

    Even as I type that word, “maybe,” I think I totally disagree.  What’s the point of abstaining if it’s through forced, agency removed, babysitting behavior?  I’ve provided all the “men have it hard” points so now it’s time for the tough love.  If you need to monitor every move your husband makes because he has a “pornography addiction” then he’s never going to grow and learn to control himself.  If you need all his passwords, accounts, and computers checked each day, then he isn’t learning self-control, he’s learning to be controlled. 

    God has given us our agency and sometimes you need to buck up and be accountable for your behavior.  No babysitters.  No hand holding.  Maybe that stuff can help in the beginning but ultimately, if a man can’t be accountable to himself, then you can’t watch him every day. 

    “A young man (every man) should learn to rule his body.  Like his temper, he should keep it always under complete control.”

    Boyd K. Packer

    Being surrounded by a supportive group is vastly different from being surrounded by prison guards. 

    Using the example of the friend who has gone a year without pornography, the first step was him realizing “I have a problem.”  That is always the most difficult thing.  The world will have you think pornography is a part of life and it’s just “boys being boys.”  The natural man is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19), the world would have you stay being the natural man.  I was always caught telling myself I’m doing ok because I only give in once a week or once a month.  It took a while for me to realize I could be so much better than that.  Many reading this will scoff at this religious idea of self-control and abstinence.  They’ll say it’s natural, and we were built this way, built to give in to our urges.  I’ve had conversations with many close friends who ridicule the very notion of self-control when it comes to pornography.  As I’ve mentioned, yes, these urges are natural, but to become like God we must learn to control our very natures.

    When I was away from the church giving into my temptations was a more often occurrence, though I always felt the guilt.  That is a problem facing much of the world – the removal of guilt.  I never felt good after giving in.  It was the complete opposite feeling to reading a good book, reading scripture, conversing in prayer, that I now experience today.

    As I returned to church this habit lingered, pestered me, persisted.  There have been many examples in my return to church of me slowly weeding out old activities.  One example is playing basketball on Sunday.  I rationalized it was good to play basketball Sunday mornings because it kept me from doing what I used to do on Saturday nights.  Similar thinking came with pornography.

    As I immersed myself in scripture, prayer, church activity, these temptations lessened, though they never did, and I don’t know if they ever will, completely leave.  I’ve always found that the busier I am with good, wholesome activities, the easier it is to avoid. 

    Early on I would set goals.  I would make a “promise” to myself to go a week, then two weeks, then a month.  I wasn’t always perfect.  But early on it made me realize the real issue this was.  If I slipped up, not only was I making a mistake, but I also broke a promise to myself and to Heavenly Father.  That taught me early on to continue to fight to improve. 

    One of my favorite books, Visions of Glory, talks about pornography in an interesting way.  It pointed out that the “act” was an inherently selfish act.  It took out intimacy and effort.  It gave instant, personal gratification.  Visions of Glory portrayed a graphic image of the demons that thrive on us in our weakest moments.  It painted a picture of evil, deprived spirits feasting on our lusts when we give in to them.  It’s an image I’ve used to fight these temptations. 

    Another tool I’ve used that is kind of silly, but I really think works is, when I get those thoughts or ideas, if possible, I will say out loud, “Not today, Satan.  You can send your minions home.  You’re not winning today.”  It’s strange to say, but I think there is real power in this.  There’s something about telling Satan you won’t let him win.  Obviously, the real power comes with prayer. 

    As I said, this struggle may never completely go away.  It’s ok to talk about it.  I think we should be more willing to admit that we have faults, sometimes we slip up, and then to pick ourselves back up.

    Finally, I’d like to discuss my thoughts on repenting through these mistakes.  I’m hopeful writing my thoughts out will help me understand how I feel about this, as it’s something I truly struggle with – the guilt of slipping up and making a mistake.  It’s difficult to desperately want to be “perfect” and to constantly fall short.  We all experience this.  It is in no way exclusive to lust or pornography.  This is about sin in general.

    I’ve found that it’s critical for me not to kick myself too hard while I’m down, after I make a mistake.  This inevitably makes it harder to repent.  Sometimes I don’t even want to kneel and ask forgiveness because I feel so hypocritical.  How can I repent for something I’ve done 100 times?  Does God even respect me at that point?  The answer is, whether or not God respects me, He loves me.  That’s so much more comforting.

    Telling us not to repent, that we’re hypocrites, and we’re unworthy of forgiveness is a tool of Satan we must avoid.  God always wants us to repent.  I will say this again with emphasis:  GOD ALWAYS WANTS US TO REPENT.  There is no time, ever, that God wants us to feel such guilt that we can’t come to him.  Hypocrite or not.  We can’t be fooled in those greatest moments of weakness to think that God does not want us to come to him meekly, humbly, and ask for forgiveness.  Christ’s Atonement covers all.  I know He wishes us always to use the gift He freely gave to us.  Especially when it’s hard, humbling, and humiliating.

    That said, we must take our sins seriously.  It can’t be a cavalier, “well I did it again.”  Get on your knees, say sorry, do it again tomorrow.  That’s not how it works.  Look in your heart and find the sorrow for what you’ve done.  I’ve found it helpful to break down into great detail why what I did was wrong.  Who am I hurting?  That’s often myself.  Who could I hurt?  Who am I objectifying and how are my actions showing a disrespect to God’s extremely sacred gifts?  Sin is not a joke, and we must never treat it as such.

    To the lovely, strong, beautiful women of the world – please, be patient with us.  It’s harder to be a man than you will ever know, just as it’s harder (in different ways) to be a woman than we’ll ever know.

    I’d like to thank Beth for her help in preparing this post.  Never has something I’ve written required so much editing, and she was critical in that.  I’m grateful for a wife that understands these things and whom I can talk candidly to about these topics.  Beth and I have had many of these conversations.  I’ve never felt judged by my wife.  In fact, discussions with her help me to go easier on myself and feel her support.  That is empowering and has helped me to be a better man.  I couldn’t be that, a better man, without her support. 

  • Drugs

    Drugs

    *Author’s note:  I asked Beth to proofread this before sharing.  I put off posting it for weeks because of my hesitation in sharing something like this about my past.  Beth’s response, “Why wouldn’t you share it?  It’s what got you here.”

    “Cocaine takes your soul.”  A statement I heard a while back on a podcast.

    I’ve long wanted to write a “drugs” post, but I haven’t known how to approach it. It was a big step for me to start sharing publicly about how I used to drink.  Now I use my past experiences with drinking to understand the struggles others can have because I’ve been there.  It makes me really uncomfortable to share something like, “I used to do drugs.”  Vulnerability, uncertainty at how people I love will take this information, Ivy reading this one day… Admitting something like that was never something I thought I’d do.  But Beth’s comment was right.  Those choices led to where I am today, so why not share it?  If I’ve truly changed, why do those past decisions matter that much?  If I truly believe Christ has washed away my sins through His Atonement, what am I hiding?  Maybe somebody can benefit from my experience. 

    So, before I continue, let’s get this part out of the way: All my LDS friends and family take your moment to *gasp.  All my college friends and family take your laugh (that some of my friends and family never knew this about me).

    I bounced back and forth with writing a generic, boring post about how drugs are bad.  Really, we’ve heard that before.  What can really make a difference, I think, is my personal experience with drugs.  In the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), along with other churches, I think talking about past drinking or drug use is pretty taboo.  It’s like many other topics I want to write about and haven’t yet addressed.  Where I come from, how I was raised, I kind of adhere to the ‘pretend like it doesn’t exist’ camp.  Drugs?  How about we not discuss it. 

    But then recently my 13-year-old brother mentioned a kid coming to his soccer practice clearly high.  First thought, “My youngest brother is exposed to weed already????”  Then I realized, he’s 13, of course he’s exposed to it.  I know a lot of kids that started experimenting with drugs at 13.  It’s crazy to think my youngest brother is 13.  It’s crazier more to realize it when he talks about the drug use around him.  Drug use is happening.  In the world we live in today, it’s more prevalent than ever.  If we stick our head in the ground, refuse to talk to our kids about it, and pretend like it’s not happening, someone else is talking to them about it.  News flash parents:  Your most sheltered latter-day saint babies have seen, heard of, been around, and maybe even experienced drug use.

    If I was seeing it in 2003 (I’m old), you better believe 13-year-olds are seeing it in 2021.  Recently I drove down a street in Las Vegas near my old home.  A street I’d driven down many times.  I did a double take when I passed what I can only describe as a big, bright, pot emporium.  Drugs are becoming mainstream.  A scary thought.

    So what are my experiences with drugs?

    First let me say, I was lucky that drugs never quite became like alcohol for me.  I don’t think drugs ever controlled me the way alcohol did.  I think part of that is luck in never trying the wrong substance.  There was a time when I was on a precarious cliff, one wrong step could have led to debilitating and life destroying addiction. 

    I’m going to try my best to be as ambiguous as possible about my drug use for obvious reasons.  By that I mean, I’m not going to tell you what drugs I have done (it’s not many).  But sometimes I may be clear about drugs I haven’t done.  For example, I never tried cocaine.  I had to say that since you’ve probably been wondering that since you read the first line. 

    What’s my experience?

    From a very young age I was aggressively opposed to any substance I believed was bad.  Legend has it I used to pour out my mom’s Coca Cola’s.  Growing up I always said I would never drink alcohol.  When asked I would say it was due to my faith and the Word of Wisdom.  The Word of Wisdom, for those who don’t know, is guidance provided by the Lord to Joseph Smith in 1833 about what should and should not be put into the body.  Over the years the Word of Wisdom, as followed by many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has adapted and changed.  This is a natural occurrence.  Joseph Smith wasn’t yet warned about vape pens and methamphetamines in the 1830s.  I encourage everyone who wants to learn more to read Doctrine and Covenants Section 89.

    My excuse for not drinking or partaking in drugs was always the Word of Wisdom.  Like I said, from a very young age I remember taking that guidance very seriously.  As I grew up, and my church activity waned, that excuse changed to, “I’m an athlete.”  In high school “no thanks” seldomly worked.  You needed a reason.  Similar to Happy Hours across the country today, most of the time you can’t just say no.

    So what happened when I had neither?  What happened when my church activity was zero and I was no longer an athlete after high school?  It’s amazing how soon after losing those two identities that I waivered on this principle I had stuck so firmly to.

    I still remember my first sip of alcohol.  It was a big moment.  We laugh at the joke that meth addiction starts with one puff or one sip, but doesn’t it?  Of course, there are exceptions, but would someone who has never had a sip of alcohol try a harder, more dangerous substance?  Usually not. 

    What happened after I’d taken one sip?  Well, my excuses of church and basketball were no longer existent, I no longer had my shield against peer pressure.  It’s no wonder when I went off to college for the first time I started drinking, then trying other stuff. 

    I was never a big drug user, as previously stated.  Most of what I tried wouldn’t even be considered drugs by most people today.  That’s the problem though, isn’t it?  Drugs are drugs.  Marijuana is a drug.  It is habit forming, it changes your focus, it changes what you care about, and ultimately it changes you. 

    I had some extremely, extremely scary experiences with drugs.  The last time for a particular substance I said would be the last time I’d try anything.  Being stuck in your mind is a terrifying thing, there is no escape.  These substances are mind-altering.  Sometimes they’re mind entrapping. 

    This is the point I want to get across and I think is important.  It’s the point I make to anyone who asks about certain drugs or drug use.  You almost never know what you’re putting into your body and it’s often from a sketchy source.  What happens when you can’t escape your mind and you think something will never end?  I had a friend once tell me he considered killing himself one time during a particularly bad drug experience.  My thought was, “why would you put that in your body????”  Then, years later I had that something in my body. If it wasn’t for very trusted and caring friends being around me to calm me down, who knows what could have happened. Never before in my life had jumping off a balcony crossed my mind. It did that day. Drugs are not a joke.  This is the message, more than anything I’d like to get across.

    I consider myself lucky that I avoided most of the more dangerous and addictive substances out there.  I never touched a cigarette.  I was too afraid it would become a habit.  That fear kept me from putting myself in a dangerous position with many other drugs.  I was always afraid of man-made, synthetic substances.  I was raised to believe that man was conspiring against my freedom (D&C 89:4) and I believe that might have saved my life.

    How am I with drugs today?

    When I had my accident, they tried to prescribe me some sort of Oxy something or another pain medication.  I refused.  I got over the counter Advil and avoided taking that as much as I could.  I saw too many friends almost kill themselves over those pills.  I hope I can avoid ever touching one.

    Today I’ve cut out drugs, alcohol, caffeine, and juice.  Yes, juice.  I feel happier and healthier for it.  I see coworkers come into the office and walk like zombies to the coffee machine first thing in the morning.  I’ve never had that crutch and I never will.

    People talk about the Word of Wisdom like it takes away your freedom.  My experience tells me that drugs and alcohol, and yes, even caffeine take away our freedom, not expand it.  How many people can’t start their day without coffee?  How many people can’t start their weekend without liquor?  How many people are enslaved by substance abuse?

    I am so grateful for my upbringing and the protection I had against these dangerous substances in my life.  Even when I dabbled, I escaped the direst consequences.  I was lucky.  Why chance it?  I’m happier today than I’ve ever been now that I depend on no substance for that happiness.  The Word of Wisdom is a protection and despite my slip-ups through my growth, it did protect me, and I’m grateful for it.