No Coincidences

Tag: help

  • Spanking

    Spanking

    This last weekend Beth went out of town so it was Daddy weekend with my girls. We had an awesome weekend. We had Daddy Dinners which included meals Dad loves but Mom doesn’t (there’s a whole lotta chili involved). We spent a whole day at the pool. We went to a Notre Dame High School barbeque with food, snacks, and activities. We went to the grocery store TWO times. We had a movie night in Dad’s bed with the projector. It was a great weekend.

    Ivy has had some behavior challenges of late. Those challenges continued over the weekend.

    On Sunday, the last day before Mom was coming home, we went to church. Ivy did not do a good job and we had to leave before the first meeting was over.

    I was so frustrated. I loaded all three girls in the car and turned on the AC. I had to go back into church and clean up the mess we always leave behind, while the church meeting continued around me, load it up, and take the girls home.

    When we got home I put Wren down for her nap, setup Sage on the couch to watch a show, and took Ivy to her room.

    Despite the awesome weekend, Ivy’s misbehaviors loomed large. The most challenging thing as a parent is when your child is awesome 95% of the time and then does really, really bad things the other 5%. Because of the 95% you know she’s so capable.

    I won’t go into detail on the behavior but lest you think me a harsh, mean Dad, I’ll just say the behavior was unacceptable and important to be corrected. I’ll leave it at that.

    After Ivy was in her room I stood over her fuming. I was so frustrated. I took deep breaths to calm myself. I told Ivy I had to spank her.

    We don’t spank. It has happened maybe twice in our family and I don’t like it. But enough was enough. Ivy had to learn some things were unacceptable. I didn’t know how else to bring that lesson home.

    She freaked out a little when I said I had to spank her. As she was doing that, I closed my eyes and prayed.

    She asked what I was doing.

    I told her I was praying asking Heavenly Father what I should do. I was asking for help on how to deal with my daughter with love. How to show her I loved her but that her behavior had to be better. I desperately didn’t want to spank her. But I didn’t know what to do.

    Ivy loves pretending to be characters. It’s a fun thing about her. I love it. I love her creativity and her mind. All day every day she’ll pretend to be Dash from the Incredibles, the red head girl from the movie Leap, Alfalfa from Little Rascals, Justin Bieber when she’s singing, Ghost Spider, Huckleberry Finn, Snow White. You name it. If it’s a fictional character (or sometimes not fictional, see Justin Bieber), Ivy has pretended to be them.

    Back in Ivy’s room, considering spanking, not wanting to, praying for help, I don’t even remember thinking it. The next part just happened. I told her no more characters until she could improve on the things she wasn’t improving on. I told her I was not participating in her fun ritual of being different characters throughout the day until she could fix her behavior.

    Ivy reacted way worse at this than if I had actually spanked her. You’d have thought I told her the world was ending. She was beside herself. Distraught. She begged me to let her be a character. I told her not until she improved and I left her in her room for nap time.

    I did not spank her.

    When Ivy woke up she immediately asked if she could be a character and I said no. I told her she could be a character after three days of making good decisions.

    That was two days ago as I’m writing this and Ivy’s behavior has improved 100-fold. Zero issues. Zero problems. Every day she has asked when she could be a character again. I’ve told her the day it can happen if she keeps doing a good job. She has accepted this.

    Now it’s Tuesday night and I’m writing this. She is very excited to be Justin Bieber tomorrow.

    I reminded her that if her actions revert back it will be another 3 days of no characters. I don’t think it will come to that. This has been a brutal 3 days for her.

    This is your reminder that prayer is real, and prayer is powerful.

    I was praying for help and I received it. I say again, I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It just came out of my mouth. “Ivy no more characters until you start to behave better.”

    I didn’t want to resort to spanking, but I thought I was out of options. I didn’t know what to do. With God, and prayer, there is always something else you can do.

    God answered my prayer that day and I’m so grateful for that. I know Ivy and Sage and Wren will have other challenges. They’ll never be perfect and I don’t want them to be. I hope they’ll accept that I’m extremely, very much, far from a perfect dad.

    But as their behavior is challenging and I think I’ve run out of options, I hope I can remember to pray.

    The Father of me, you, and the universe answers. In this life I’ll never be a perfect Father. But they still have a perfect Father.

    And He loves His children.

  • Me and Moses

    Me and Moses

    Before you start reading, I will be comparing my WEAKNESS to Moses’s weakness. Don’t worry, I’m not comparing myself to Moses in a good way.

    I liked that title for this blog post because it gives off a good ‘ole image of Moses and I getting ready to go do some fishin’ or somethin’.

    There is never a moment I feel more like Moses than when I’m asked to speak in public, especially in church.

    I’m referring to Exodus 4:10:

    10 And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

    When I first thought about coming back to church in ~2011 there was one overwhelming obstacle in my path: what if I’m asked to speak??? I know to many this seems absurd. But I hope it goes to illustrate how big a fear this was (and still is) for me. I have memories of being a deacon (12–13-year-old) in church and dreading a Sunday School class I learned would be spent reading scripture out loud. It filled my entire body with fear. It made me lock up. It made my throat tight. It made me gulp over and over. It made me sweat. I would start to feel like I might throw up.

    Some of you think you have a fear of public speaking.

    Now do you get how big a fear this was and still is?

    I know others have it worse than me.

    When I did finally come back to church in ~2015, I had to make a decision early on. That decision was that I would not let my fear of speaking hold me back. God had brought me back and I had experiences to share and people to help. Not only that, but I had to learn to lessen the control fear had on my life.

    I decided when I was asked to speak in church, I would accept. That was until that first text came in one morning asking me to give the opening prayer in church that day. I froze. Instead of responding to the text, I called a mentor (I miss you Jessie) and talked it through. He reminded me that if I said no today, when would it stop? By the time I responded to the bishopric member who asked me to give the prayer, he had already reassigned it to someone else. I was off the hook that day, but I promised myself the next time I was asked to speak, I would accept without hesitation, before I could let the fear and excuses set in.

    Little did I know how much that next call would try my faith.

    I was in the middle of studying for a work certification. I’d already failed the test once and this next test was extremely important. I’d been studying for weeks. The test was a couple weeks away when I got the call. I was asked if I could speak in church in two weeks. The excuses flooded my mind: I have this test I’m studying for, I can’t write a talk, and besides, the added stress…! I can’t, I’ll have to accept next time.

    Then I remembered the promise I made myself. 

    “Yes, I will speak.”

    That taught me an important lesson. If we let our fears control us, they will. There are always excuses why NOT to do something that makes us uncomfortable. I spoke two weeks later in church. Beth still talks about that day, hearing me speak, as being the first day I caught her attention.

    From that day forward if I was asked to bless the sacrament, give an announcement in church, say the prayer, teach a lesson, or speak, I always answered yes without hesitation. It petrified me every time. I remember one day I gave someone the Holy Ghost which entailed laying my hands on a friend’s head and giving her a priesthood blessing in front of our entire church. That same day I also blessed the sacrament in front of the whole church, and I gave a talk in front of the whole church.

    Any one of those things in a given day would have given me nightmares.

    Before sacrament, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to be physically ill. I went to an empty classroom, I knelt, and I prayed for help.

    “Please, Heavenly Father, please, just help me get through this. I need you.”

    That may have been the day I solidified my knowledge that I can’t do anything without God, I’m nothing without Him.

    When I gave that blessing to the friend, bestowing the Holy Ghost upon her, I walked up with knees shaking. I thought I was going to, at a minimum fall over, and possibly faint. My throat was dry, and it hurt. I’ll never forget the feeling when I put my hands on her head, with the whole congregation, heads bowed, waiting for me to speak.

    I’ll never forget feeling like a cold bucket of water was poured over my head. From my head down to my toes I felt a tingling. Calm overcame me.

    My grandpa used to say his favorite thing in the world was to give a priesthood blessing because it was the closest he ever felt to God. He said he could feel God in those moments speaking through him.

    That’s what I experienced that day.

    I wrote this on a day that I was speaking in church. I still get kind of sick to my stomach. I still get extremely nervous. I still have to fight back the panic.

    Sometimes people tell me they can’t tell I’m nervous when I speak. I appreciate that, but sometimes I just wish everyone knew. There’s power in putting it out there.

    For others who have this fear, and I know there are many, my biggest advice is to put it out there. Don’t shy away from your fear. When I’m extra nervous, I might just say, “I’m really nervous right now.” Then I feel like I’ve removed the question from those watching and from myself worrying about it. I’ve found this to really help when public speaking.

    I’m grateful for my fear of speaking. It’s assured me, and is a constant reminder, that I can’t do anything without God.

    For those wondering, on the day I wrote this, I did end up speaking and it did go OK. I was supposed to speak for 10 minutes and spoke for 22 due to an excess of time being available. I feel that with practice anything can become more comfortable, and that’s definitely the case with me and public speaking.

    I’ve now taken to challenging myself a little more, to see just how far I can take this reliance on God. The last time I was asked to speak in church I intentionally put zero preparation into my talk. I was asked to speak last minute, a couple days beforehand, due to someone canceling, and the topic was “personal revelation,” so I thought it was a fitting time to try it.

    I got up before the church with little idea of what I was going to share. As I looked around at the congregation, I knew what I wanted to share.

    I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak in church. I’m grateful to be able to share my thoughts and experiences. This fear is a constant reminder that I need God, and I’m grateful for this weakness. Every time I’m asked to speak I’m reminded how weak and silly I am. We can look at all our weaknesses this way, as a reminder of how much we need Him. I know as we do this we come closer to God and better appreciate all He has done and continues to do for us.

  • Recovery

    Recovery

    Since I wrote that dramatic post about my near death it’s probably good etiquette to write a follow up about how I’m recovering.

    The human body is a truly extraordinary thing.  Blows my mind that some people think this thing that has a trillion parts working perfectly together can have fallen together like a puzzle from the sky.  My healing has gone extremely well.  It’s gone so well that Beth has had to remind me on multiple occasions about the seriousness of my accident.

    Seriously.  I think about what happened, and it doesn’t coincide with how smoothly my recovery has been.  That’s not to say it’s been a complete walk in the park.  There is a fair amount of pain, my head is constantly leaking, my arm hurts.  All in all, it’s not that bad.

    The truth is, my comfortable recovery may be due in large part to my on-staff nurse (I love you!).  Beth has been the most attentive, caring, helpful person ever.  Sometimes I wonder how she’s caring for me and a newborn all at the same time.  Beth has daily and sometimes multiple times a day re-dressed my wounds.  She’s taken off the bandages, helped clean, re-anoint, re-bandage my head and shoulder at least once a day since I was hurt.  No wonder I’m healing well.

    There was one night that was extraordinarily painful.  The fifth night I think it was.  We had wrapped my arm and shoulder like normal.  Over the course of the night it itched and stung and hurt.  Around 11pm I unwrapped the wound.  I applied more ointment which didn’t help.  Then I made a potentially grave mistake.  We have some antiseptic numbing spray that in bold red letters on the bottle says “NO STING.”  The greatest act of false advertising in the history of false advertising.  The only defense I can think of is maybe they claim it’s no sting, instead it BURNS.  It hurt so bad. 

    I spent four hours basically pacing around in pain.  It’s crazy, a gaping head wound and it’s the road rash that is hurting, by far, the most.

    Again, I feel extraordinarily blessed with how I’ve improved.  I even worked a half day the first week.  I would have worked another half day if not for the great night of burning arm.  I attribute my recovery, apart from my visible angel here with me (Beth), to the same thing I attribute my life.  I believe God and angels I can’t see are attending to me daily.

    I want to thank everyone for their support while I’ve been hurt.  It’s heart-warming to get messages of love and care from so many people.

    In my last post I talked about the two things my mind rested on.  God and family.  There’s something that wasn’t said that I want to make sure is extremely clear.  Family doesn’t only mean blood family.  We’re all family here and while I’ve been blessed with the most amazing blood family, in-laws, wife, and daughter, it’s my extended, non-blood family that feels over the top.

    As I’ve been hurt I’ve thought about all the people in my life that I can rely on.  When I came to Arizona I moved away from all family.  I didn’t know that I’d end up having so many people basically adopt me into their care.  Friends that will drop anything to help me, offers for me to come over for holidays, help moving, help with my car.  I was blessed with a roommate who’s family became my family away from home. 

    There are so many people I owe so much to.

    This is personal, something I’ve never told anyone.  In my prayers I often ask God what I did to deserve so much love?  A loving family, loving friends.  So many people that care for and watch out for me.  It’s something I’ve asked often.  I don’t know what I did to deserve so many amazing people in my life.  All I know is I’m grateful for them.

    So, thank you everyone for continuing to help us and watch over us.  Thank you for the love.  It means so much. 

    God and family.

    ____________________________________

    Here is the progression of my arm healing (If you’re looking for day by day healing updates on my head, gross, go watch pimple popper videos). By the way, I’m not flexing in all those pictures, I still can’t fully extend my right arm:

    Day 1
    Day 1
    Day 2
    Day 3
    Day 3
    Day 3
    Day 3
    Day 4
    Day 4
    Day 5
    Day 11
    Day 11

    Can’t end with mutilated arm pictures, to lighten things up:

  • Prayer

    Prayer

    I don’t know exactly what I want to say on this topic because I still feel like it’s something I’m learning more about every single day.  Of course, I do have some thoughts.  Though, since it’s still something I’m always trying to understand better, these thoughts may be seemingly random with no organization whatsoever.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “uhm……. What else is new.”  My response, “be quiet and just keep reading.”

    An artist's rendition of the parable of the persistent widow.

    Christ taught to pray always.  He taught to have a prayer in our hearts.  He gave parables for us to understand.  One parable is of the unjust judge who didn’t care about anyone or anything.  But, because a woman bothered him he decided to help her simply because he didn’t want to be bothered by her.  Christ’s point with that parable was that, since a man who didn’t care about anybody gave in to being bothered, why wouldn’t God?  I agree with what you’re thinking, I find the story kind of… interesting as well.  Like God is this person being pestered to the point of answering.  I don’t think that’s what Christ meant at all.  He meant that our Father is all loving.  So, how much more is He likely and willing to help us simply if we ask?

    I’ve thought a lot about how Christ prayed.  How powerful those prayers must have been.  We see mention in the scriptures of the power of His prayers.  It was often said that the words couldn’t be repeated for they were so powerful.  My favorite is Third Nephi 17: 15-17 which reads

    15 And when he had said these words, he himself also knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.

    16 And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;

    17 And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.

    Gives me goosebumps.

    Just think about that.  Christ’s prayer was so powerful that it brought joy to those who just listened.  What love must have been expressed. 

    There are also many examples of Christ going off on His own to pray in the New Testament.  Many times He’d be gone for hours praying.  I won’t list these scriptural examples but there are plenty.  What does this tell us?  Even Christ prayed, how much more need we to pray? 

    I’ve seen many miracles come about from prayer but maybe the most amazing thing about those miracles is that they don’t quickly come to mind.  I’ve felt the power of prayer and yet often forget when I have had a prayer answered.  I try to record them, so I don’t forget.  One small example happened once at work.  I was at work and really overwhelmed.  Many requests were coming in for things I needed to help with.  I had a meeting coming up that I wasn’t prepared for.  I really needed to take some time to gather some information for this meeting.  Otherwise I’d be going in and possibly make a fool of myself from being so unprepared.  I was getting more overwhelmed by the moment. 

    As I started to panic I remembered, like a slap to the face, to pray.  Sitting at someone’s computer trying to fix a problem for them, I silently prayed for help, patience, and peace.  I immediately felt better.  Within a couple minutes the person whom I had my meeting with walked by and said they had something come up and we’d have to delay our meeting.  This gave me time to go and gather all the information I needed.

    This happened years ago but it’s an experience I’ve held to, to remember the power of prayer.  These experiences happen daily.  I know they do.  I also know we often don’t notice them.  If we constantly have a prayer in our heart, God is constantly looking to show us how much He loves us. 

    I try to remember this story especially when I feel I’m not receiving answers to prayers.  In church many people tell stories of receiving their powerful answer.  Many people talk about the warm feeling in their chest.  I don’t know how much I’ve experienced those feelings.  I do know I’ve felt peace.  I do know I’ve received answers.  Often though, they don’t come.  My faith is that I can develop my skills in prayer and be better at receiving the answers God has for me and accepting when He doesn’t have an answer to give me at that moment.

    I think one day we’ll learn of the profound nature of prayer.  It likely won’t be until the next life.  I believe when we pray spectacular things happen around us that we don’t see.  The book, Visions of Glory talks about how when we’re feeling temptation or we’re in a negative environment, just a thought of prayer allows angels to surround and protect us.  I believe we are blind to the constant influences of good and evil around us.  I mean literal beings of light and darkness that want to influence us.  I think when we pray the heavens are moved and we are given protection.  Think about that.  If you knew that a prayer brought an angel to be by your side and watch and protect you, would you ever stop praying?

    She Will Find What Is Lost Litho Print - Deseret Book
    She Will Find What is Lost by Brian Kershisni

    My last thought I want to mention is that, for me, I’ve learned my life is better when I pray better.  It’s not something we notice unless we really, really stop and think about it.  But I’ve come to realize it’s true.  Stop and think about your day then think back on your prayers.  Did you have an amazing day?  Maybe an awesome conversation came about.  Maybe, if you’re a member of the church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints…or any church for that matter), you had a great opportunity to share something about church or the gospel.  Maybe you just had a clarity of mind, a focus at work.  Maybe you had a productive day and just felt good.  How was your prayer that day?  How about days that you feel like you’re drudging along, impatient, short with people, not interested in talking or being friendly?  How was your prayer that day?  I think if we inventory our prayers and compare it to our resultant day, we’d be blown away by the correlation.  Our prayers bring power, it’s something I’ve learned.

    The funny (or sad) thing, even with this “understanding” I claim to have, I still fall into mundane prayers.  Repetitive, mindless prayers.  When I do, I see my days suffer.  For some reason it’s hard.  We fall into a rut.  We can’t focus on what we’re saying.  I sometimes even feel like He’s not there.  Then I have to remember He’s always there.  If someone is lacking in the partnership between myself and God, it is definitely me.  I have to be vigilant and strive to pray with focus and intent.  I have to express gratitude and actually mean it.  I have to thank Heavenly Father for His plan and the Atonement of Jesus Christ and actually think about it and mean it.  I have to consider what I would be without repentance.  When I do these things, my life is better.

    When I have a prayer in my heart constantly, I am happier.  I feel light.  I feel love.  I’m more willing to serve and I’m more patient.  I’m more aware of opportunities to do good.  I’m not special in this regard, in fact there are so many out there saying their prayers the right way.  I think as we pray better, we can be better, and we can help each other. I believe this world would be a much better place if we all kept a prayer in our hearts.

    _____________________

    To learn more about prayer please check out these links:

    https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/prayer?lang=eng

    https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-principles/chapter-8-praying-to-our-heavenly-father?lang=eng

    The title is outdated but I thought this video did a good job of showing how to pray:

  • How Do We Change The World?

    How do we change the world?

    I often get overwhelmed by how messed up the time we live in can be.  Where do we start in fixing things?  The environment, abuse, hunger, racism, hatred, war, and so on.  Where to begin?

    I once listened to a well-known podcast.  The topic came up:  How do we really make the world better?  They were talking about a person in a run-down county, in a run-down town that is addicted to drugs and whose family has lived in squalor for generations.  How do we pull that person out?  He has a family history of substance abuse and physical abuse.  He has grown up in a poisonous way.  How do we help him?  How do we help so many people out there who are stuck? 

    It hit me as I was listening to this, I know how we fix this.  I know how we solve hunger, and hate, and war.  I know how we drag that person out of his tough life.  I know how we make the world a better place.  It’s a plan that the world will never get behind but, unbeknownst to the world, the plan is already in motion.

    Look at the truly amazing organization of Christ’s Church, in the most simplistic way.

    Every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is asked to give 10% of their increase (income) to the Church for the purpose of building up the Church by constructing church buildings, building temples, maintaining these buildings, producing printed materials, running websites and all other ways the Church spreads its message.

    How does that help the poor?  Each month every member of the Church is asked to fast one day.  We are asked to take the money we would have spent on food that day and donate it to the church.  This donation is called a “fast offering” and is used by the local church to help those in the area in need.  Examples include meals for a young single mother, rent for a young person tough on their luck, or money to purchase furniture for a family who lost everything in a fire.  It’s up to the discretion of the bishop in that area how fast offerings are used.  This is a simple program that would revolutionize the world if everyone followed it: fasting and helping the needy.

    These are principles God has given us to live by and one is to help the poor and needy.  Now, just imagine.  Imagine a world where EVERY PERSON gave 10% of what they make.  Now consider if every person fasted one time per month and donated that money to someone who could distribute it around the world to those who need a meal every day?  First, with 10% of the world income going to one place, there would be a great increase.  That money could be used to spread messages of peace and love.  Then, the excess could be used to help communities and people in need.  The fast offerings would go to help all those who need food, housing, and security.

    Communities need to change.  There needs to be a focus on giving, not taking.

    What about addiction?  The answer is The Word of Wisdom.  This is the policy handed down to the people by Christ Himself.  It is the seemingly unbelievable advice to (GASP) not poison yourself.  This means no alcohol, which has destroyed so many families.  This means no tobacco, which kills so many.  This means no drugs, which cause crime and desperation.  What if the world stopped drinking coffee?  (Woah, too far!)  But think about it for a moment… A world where people don’t need a beverage in the morning just to feel enough energy to get through the day.  If people didn’t use any of these substances, wouldn’t the world be a better place?  Surely, no one can argue that point.

    This comes down to something many people are not willing to accept.  People, in general, are too selfish to give up 10% of the money they worked hard to earn.  Many people in prosperous countries are unwilling to sacrifice two meals in a day, once a month.  People refuse to give up alcohol because it’s how they have fun!  They refuse to give up coffee because it’s how they get through the day.  The last and ultimate thing people seem unwilling to do:  Truly embrace Jesus Christ. 

    It’s amazing how the secular world espouses Christian values while devaluing where those values come from: Jesus Christ.

    Christ is love (1 John 4:8).  Christ is light (John 8:12).  Christ is truth (John 14:6).  Charity is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47).

    With a focus on Christ, comes a focus on others.  He is the light of the world and without Him there is darkness.  Why are we surprised by the darkness in the world when we have collectively turned from His light?  The structure of Christ’s Church is meant to help us to help others.  It’s meant to provide ways to get people out of their negative circumstances.  It’s meant to help us collectively elevate to a higher plane.

    If we tithe, fast, meditate, pray, and serve more, we could be better.  This is all Christ asks of us. 

    “The gospel of Jesus Christ is the greatest cause in the world”

    Douglas D. Holmes

    “Only the gospel will save the world from the calamity of its own self destruction.  Only the gospel will unite men and women of all races and nationalities in peace.  Only the gospel will bring joy, happiness, and salvation to the human family.”

    Ezra Taft Benson