No Coincidences

Tag: husband

  • Simplified Husbandship

    Simplified Husbandship

    These are the highlights I typed up for myself from a book called Simplified Husbandship | Simplified Fathership by Richard M. Eyre. I typed this up mostly for myself to refer back to.

    This is only on the simplified husbandship portion of the book. These are the quotes, summaries, and most important points I found from the book.

    “To become a better husband –

    change yourself

    not your wife.”

    “The home should be the center of growth, happiness, of excitement. If your home isn’t a happier place now than it was a year ago, you’re not progressing.”

    “A marriage of oneness should have a Venn diagram that is as circular as possible in the middle. When the marriage doesn’t have enough oneness, the middle is like a football.”

    “This type of marriage, like a football, is erratic and hard to predict. There is no telling where it will bounce.”

    “The best way for a husband to pursue this kind of oneness lies not in efforts to change his wife or even in efforts to change the marriage relationship. His best chance lies in changing himself.”

    Partnership-Plan-Pray

    Communication – “Oneness is an impossibility between two who share only part of what they feel.” This one really hits home for me. I’m not a great communicator.

    Inspiration – “The third partner should be the Lord.”

    One strategy for partnership –

    Wife handles the “inside partnership” of inside-the-home things such as home, children, personal kingdom, etc.

    Husband handles the “outside partnership” of outside-the-home things such as money, providing necessities, involvement in outside causes like church and civic, etc.

    In the above example, the wife would be general manager of inside partnership and husband participating partner and vice versa.

    Each night before prayer each gives a brief report on their stewardship, and receives comments, questions, or insight from the participating partner. Both participate, but one is in charge of each.

    During scheduling, attempt is made to find an hour where roles are reversed. Husband spends time with the children on the inside and wife shifts to outside activities, church, civic, or personal. (This seems extremely structured, to the point that it might border on unrealistic, practically speaking. But I still like the premise).

    Partnership – “day planning” – evening prayer.

    Each has a role and the Lord is the supervising partner.

    Partnership meeting is simple and shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. The results:

    1. Each learns more about the arena where he or she did not spend the day (and becomes more appreciative of what the other is doing).
    2. Each gives input and ideas for the other’s benefit.
    3. Each thinks about what he or she will do the next day in both the general and the limited role.
    4. The prayer becomes far more specific and meaningful (because it is about things just discussed).
    5. Both sleep better when the next day is clear and challenging rather than hazy and uncertain.

    Things I personally could talk about with the outside responsibilities:

    1. Schedule for work / coaching / gym / church calling / projects
      • Go over my daily items
    2. Investments and status
    3. Finances – budget (handled by Beth, could be a part of her report).

    Once a month dinner date, reviewing the month. Review the past month and set goals for the month ahead.

    Once a year “honey-moon” vacation to review the last year and the year ahead.

    Principles:

    1. Total communication and openness
    2. Complementary roles (separate but shared responsibility)
    3. Shared goals and plans
    4. Adding the Lord to your partnership through earnest, regular prayer together

    “If exaltation is the goal, marriage partnerships must fold together in purpose and communication until they become one. We often imagine that temple marriages differ from civil marriages in quantity (they last longer), but, in fact, their quantity will be great only if their quality is great, only if oneness is obtained.”

    “Agreeing to disagree on some things is fine among friends and business partners but not between marriage partners striving for oneness.”

    “Partners are separated when they compete in any context other than fun.”

    “Emerson said, “Marriages do not fail, people fail. All marriages do is show those failures up.””

    Partnership-Plan-Pray Summary:

    • My wife is my partner in all I do.
    • We share everything, including our deepest feelings.
    • We plan our time together and share objectives for our lives inside and outside our home.
    • We pray together regularly, and preceding the prayer is a discussion of our partnership.

    Protect-Pamper-‘Preciate

    “A woman’s ego is no weaker than a man’s, but hers works in a slightly different way. Hers usually is best fed when she is cared for, complimented, appreciated, protected – even pampered a bit – not with the patronizing implication that she is weaker, less able, but with the implication that she is more special, important, and genuinely valued. A wife who receives sincere compliments, who is appreciated, who feels needed and cherished and protected, seems to gain a soft strength, a kind of clear-headed fulfillment that raises her toward her full potential in many areas.”

    “It’s the old notion of “out-giving” that can make marriages even more beautiful. Have you ever watched what happens to a basketball team when one player is so unselfish that he is always looking for a teammate to get the ball to? Other players respond in kind. The ball moves faster; everyone gets better shots. The teamwork of marriage can be similar.”

    Me – This is similar to the advice I received early in my marriage. When I confided in someone about my frustrations with doing household chores, that someone asked me point blank, “Why are you doing chores?” They asked if it was to one-up or get an edge on my wife. They asked how the Savior served. They pointed out that this life is meant for us to become like the Savior. The Savior never asked for anything in return when he served others. If I’m cleaning the house or doing something so that I’m owed something or appreciated by my wife, what’s the point? It’s not service, it’s a way to get an advantage. They said to love and serve my wife for that simple purpose. Because I love her and I want her to be happy, and for no other reason. My life and marriage are better when I realize and remember this.

    “It is not the addition of responsibility and children that destroy romance. It is the subtraction of courtship, of chivalry, of living to make the other person happy.”

    Protect-Pamper-‘Preciate Summary:

    • I love my wife deeply and understand her need to feel cherished and loved. 
    • I feel tenderness toward her and want to find meaningful ways to compliment her, to be chivalrous and protective of her. 
    • I watch her closely and notice the time she needs the “lift” of a tender kiss, a word of sincere appreciation, a helping hand, a date.” 

    Patriarch-Priesthood

    A wife is asked, “What would you do if your husband were to ask you to do something you didn’t agree with, not something unrighteous, but something you didn’t want to do?” 

    She responds, “I would tell him I didn’t want to, and we would discuss it.” 

    “Yes, and most things you would work out and agree on. But let’s say in this instance you still didn’t agree. You thought it was the wrong decision, but he still wanted it. What would you do?  

    She says, “I wouldn’t do it.” 

    “That’s what I want to talk to you about. You would have two options in that situation. One, to refuse. Or two, to say, ‘Yes, you know my feelings, but if you still feel it is right, I will accept your decision.’ If you take the first option you get into a power struggle and minimize his chance to change or repent if he is wrong (his ego, if you defy him, will lock him into his wrong choice). If you take the second option, you show trust and giving, and you maximize his chance to change if his decision is wrong. (The other side of the husband’s ego is the one which feels the responsibility to protect and be fair with his wife who puts her confidence in him.)” 

    The husband is then asked, “Would you ever do that? Demand that your wife do something she did not agree with? If you do, you will sooner or later destroy your relationship. If you force decisions on her, you abuse her trust and become a tyrant. That is what you do if you demand.” 

    If either the husband or wife remembers this, it will work. If the wife respects the priesthood, the husband will use it well. If the husband counsels and communicates rather than demands, the wife will respect the husband and they will be one, with the priesthood belonging to both together. 

    I would add that this example works the other way around as well. If the wife decides on something and doesn’t respect the disagreement of the husband and the husband refuses to compromise, it becomes a problem.

    “In a baseball game the pitcher throws the ball, the catcher catches it. The roles are equal but different. They could rotate, the catcher throwing every other pitch, but they would do less well in the game. In the patriarchal order, the husband holds the priesthood and the wife shares it. The “head of the home” (the husband’s role) and the “heart of the home” (the wife’s role) are equal but different in that both draw on the great, inherent strengths of each.”

    To be a strong priesthood leader in a home:

    1. Take the lead in planning the week together each Sunday. 
    1. Use the priesthood more in the home (for blessings, etc.). 
    1. Have a short personal interview with each child on Sunday evening. 
    1. Hold a good family prayer each morning and a “partnership prayer” with your wife each night.  

    Patriarch-Priesthood Summary:

    • My wife shares the priesthood with me, and we are equal partners. But I hold that authority and I have the righteous strength that helps her feel secure and fulfilled in her support. 
    • I take the lead in planning and goal-setting, in family prayer, and in personal interviews with each of the children. 
    • I realize that there is no intervening link in the priesthood chain between myself and the Lord. As a father I am entitled to direct inspiration for my wife and children. I ask for that inspiration and receive it. 
    • I use the priesthood often in my home for personal blessings and to keep the Lord’s Spirit present.  

    Priority 

    “Lack of commitment is Satan’s key tool in destroying relationships. Without commitment, little problems and disagreements can become final ones.” 

    A “planning” husband: “In addition to planning with my wife, I consciously ‘prioritize’ my wife in my personal planning. When I plan my week, I think about her first, and the fist thing I put on my calendar is our Friday night date. Then I ask her about her schedule and try to work out when she might need me. I try to plan at least one little surprise for her each week.” 

    A less planning husband, “I just watch Pattie and try to notice when she needs a little pick up. Also, and I don’t always remember this, I try to make my last thought of the day, just before I got to sleep, be of Patti. I think, ‘What can I do for Pattie tomorrow?…It’s fun to try to think of her for a moment each night just as I doze off.” 

    Priority Summary:  

    • My wife comes first in my plans, my schedule, my priorities. 
    • When I have decisions to make, my first thought is always how they will affect her. 
    • I consciously try to find “little things” to do for her on a regular basis.  

    Becoming these things 

    “Most husbands, busy with jobs, callings, and concerns of all varieties, cannot be constantly thinking of their roles as husbands. Therefore, becoming these four qualities to the point where you live them naturally is the only practical, workable way to improve your husbandship.” 

    “Self-programming” is the idea of making these qualities subconscious, so they don’t have to constantly be thought about. The point is to become these husband qualities.  

    Methods of self-programming 

    1. Running 
    1. Meditation 
    • The same kind of self-programming can be done in meditation. Simply sit comfortably in a quiet place, close your eyes and quiet your mind as best you can. Then begin – “I put my wife first,” etc. 
    1. Shaving 
    1. The last thought of the day. 
    • The quiet night, with no light or distraction, is a good time to say, “I am the patriarch of my home. I lead righteously through the priesthood. Last week I gave a priesthood blessing to little Nell. I watch for opportunities to use the priesthood.” And so on. 

    “Each method of self-programming can be strengthened by prayer. We have great power to change ourselves, but our Heavenly Father is the true changing force.” 

  • Marriage

    Marriage

    I wrote this in September of 2023, when Beth and I were practically still newlyweds (married just over 4 years when I wrote this, now we’re approaching 7).

    Beth and I had a fight the other day.

    I’ve been reading the Church Handbook for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

    The day after that fight, and Beth and I had of course made up, I read this:

    Husband and Wife

    “A husband and wife are intended to progress together toward eternal life (see 1 Corinthians 11:11).

    This is your quarterly reminder that marriage is HARD. There’s a reason it’s so important in God’s eternal plan.

    “A couple makes this covenant (covenant of celestial marriage) when they receive the marriage sealing ordinance in the temple. This covenants it the foundation of an eternal family.”

    “When faithfully kept, it allows their marriage to endure forever. Ultimately, thy can become like God (see Doctrine and Covenants 132:19-20).

    Again, in case you missed it the first time, another reminder, there is a reason marriage is so HARD.

    If you’re reading this and your marriage is hard, don’t give up. If you’re reading this and your marriage is getting hard, don’t give up. If you’re reading his and your marriage has been hard, don’t give up. Rely on and trust each other.

    “God has commanded husbands and wives to cleave to each other (see Genesis 2:24; Doctrine and Covenants 42:22). In this context, the word cleave means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave together by loving and serving each other.”

    And just one more important reminder from the handbook:

    “Cleaving also includes total fidelity between husband and wife.”

    Marjorie Hinckley was once told by a lady when she was a newlywed to Gordon B. Hinckley, “Don’t get discouraged, the first 10 years of marriage are hard.” Not the first 6 months or the first year: the first 10 years. You are combining your life with someone. There will inevitably be differences in living, habits, thoughts, plans. You are literally becoming one with another individual. What could be more difficult than that? What can be more humbling than giving a part of yourself a way for someone you love? What can better illustrate that love than sacrificing for your significant other?

    Marriage is a sacrifice, and it’s meant to be. That’s the point I think the world forgets sometimes. Marriage is not supposed to be all gain and all for me, me, me. Like being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn’t all flowers and blessings –being a member of this church is a sacrifice – of time, money, and effort. Being married is also a sacrifice. If it wasn’t a sacrifice, it wouldn’t be worth having.

    The sixth Lecture on Faith is all about sacrifice.

    The most important and valuable things in this world require sacrifice.

    I recently heard the fascinating idea that when couples divorce, they lose memories. It is after divorce that they learn their memories weren’t theirs at all but shared memories. When separated, divorced couples literally lose memories. Because those memories weren’t just one or the others. Those memories were joint memories. When split, when separated, when broken, when divorced, those memories disappear.

    I found that to be so interesting.

    I love my wife. I am grateful for her. There are things she does that make my life less enjoyable- but I couldn’t live without her. She is the mother of my daughters and the most important person in my life and I’m sorry every day that I take her for granted. Marriage is hard, but she is my partner. I’ve grown so much and connected with her on so many levels the first few years of marriage, I’m interested to see how far this merging of mind and personality can go. To become one.

    1 Corinthians 11:11 “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”

    “The man and the woman are intended to learn from, strengthen, bless, and complete each other.” – Elder Bednar.

  • Simplified Fathership (Must read for all Dads!)

    Simplified Fathership (Must read for all Dads!)

    These are the highlights I typed up for myself from a book called Simplified Husbandship | Simplified Fathership by Richard M. Eyre. I typed this up mostly for myself to refer back to. This section is only on simplified fathership.

    (In multiple quotes in this book the author says “he” and “him” when referring to his own children. Since my children are all girls, I changed each of these instances to “her” and “she”).

    “Fathership is, in the eternal context of the gospel, vastly important. It is a key to much of what lies ahead. Until this life, fathership was God’s role, His only. When we came to this earth, we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions, assuming the fathership role ourselves – we hope to keep it for eternity. There is no greater stewardship no greater source of potential joy or of potential sorrow.”

    How true is that? There are no higher highs or lower lows than those associated with being a parent.

    I also like that idea, that we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions when we left our premortal life to come to earth. We took on the greatest responsibility when we came to earth. The responsibility over our bodies and the responsibility over the bodies of others. There was no going back once we decided to come here.

    “[Fathership] is hard because we’re dealing with the most complex things on earth: new human lives.”

    “It’s hard because God is the only one who knows how. But that is also the reason we can do it, and do well at it – because our Heavenly Father will help us (individually, personally) to be good fathers, if we ask, if we try, if we make it a high enough priority.”

     “Fathership isn’t easy, but it is natural. You do have fathership inside of you. It was bred there through the premortal eternities. It was taught by the perfect example of the only Father there.”

    Truths about fathership and families that are self-evident:

    1. “Families are heavy, profound, eternal responsibilities.”
    2. “Families are the foundation of civilization.”
      • “Every society that has flourished has been firmly founded upon strong families and homes. The early success of the American democracy can be attributed to the family. There was little social progress in the first 250 years following Columbus’s landing. Most “Americans” were French and Spanish seekers of fortune, more oriented to the pursuit of wealth than to serious settlement. America, like the Orient and all great civilizations of progress and stability, became great with the arrival of strong families who wanted to build real homes.”

    “Happy families are all alike: every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolsto

    The key qualities to simplified fathership:

    1. Confidence
    2. Consultantship
    3. Calmness-Consistency-Congruence
    4. Concentration

    Confidence:

    “People respond to confidence. People live up to the images they perceive others have of them. Especially little people.”

    “All children have unique gifts. A parent who can recognize them will magnify them. He will feel real confidence in the child which the child will sense in a hundred subtle ways. Strength leads to strength. Confidence grows.”

    “Rewards are better than punishments.”

    “The father who has programmed himself to look for and show confidence will direct toward the child the kind of light that can be reflected and that will steadily and gradually increase the child’s self-esteem.”

    “Sometimes the most obvious ways of showing (and building) confidence in children are overlooked. The more direct ways are often best. The most direct way is to tell the child. Sit a three-year-old down, look her square in the eye, and say, “You are really a fast runner. You are very good at eating with a fork. You are good at building things with your blocks. I am really proud of you.”

    “Try it as an experiment. Think about the specific things you are proud of about your child. Make a mental list. Not too long. Just the main things. Think of the gifts she has, the things (even little ones) that she does well. Get her alone. Concentrate on her. Tell her what she’s good at. Some children react more than others (when I do this with my three-year-old he beams like a sunbeam and is sweetness and light for twelve hours) but all children react. Those who respond least may be those who need it most.”

    Confidence Summary:

    “A father who is self-programming the concept of “confidence” says to himself:

    • “I look for my child’s gifts, talents, virtues, sweetness. I notice all she does well, all she is, all she is becoming.
    • “I tell her! I praise her in every way – by word, look, touch.
    • “I give more attention for positive behavior than for negative.
      • (I really try to do this, though it is difficult. The natural reaction to something bad is to jump up and correct it immediately. Since that natural reaction is so hard to fight, I try to be extra intentional about reacting to positive behavior. When Ivy does something for Sage or picks up after herself, I try to be very effulgent and boisterous with my praise).
    • “I avoid criticism consciously, carefully. I separate my disfavor with things she does from my constant favor and confidence in her, in who and what she is.
    • “I love my child. I‘m more grateful for her than I can express. She is a very important person to me. I am important because I have her! She knows this; she feels it.”

    Consultantship:

    “Our Heavenly Father whose fathership is perfect and whose model all fathers should look to, set the clear example of wisdom. His plan, and that of His Son, was built around agency and freedom. He rejected (as did we) the plan of guarantees and managed supervision, choosing instead the plan of self-determination and experience, and freedom to ask, decide, and choose.”

    “Perhaps the Lord’s greatest strength is manifest when He lets us make mistakes.”

    • I think about how patient God was with me while I figured out who I am. Can I do this same thing for my girls as they grow and make mistakes? I hope so.

    A study was done by Life magazine. It selected two groups of students. One group were A students, and the other group were less self-motivated students with average grades. The students came from similar homes. The researchers traced the students’ histories backwards trying to find differences. The researchers didn’t find differences from their homes until they got to the pre-school years:

    “The difference was the parents. The A students had parents who functioned more as consultants than managers. They loved their children but were involved and busy with other things as well. Their general attitude toward their pre-school children was to keep them in a free, stimulating environment; let them explore; respond to their questions; watch for “curious moments” when they could teach their children. The C parents were more dominant, more managing. In most cases, they actually spent more time with their children than the A parents, but that time consisted of directing the children and force-feeding them with things they were often not interested in. The C children had more restricted environments and lived lives that were virtually managed by their parents.”

    One day the author planned a whole day with his kids: clean their rooms, plant in the garden, go on a bike ride. The day quickly fell apart. “The rooms never got clean, I planted by myself the only seeds that got planted, and the kids acted as if I was forcing them to ride their bikes.” The author was reminded of something urgent he had to do in the afternoon for work. He told his kids, “Kids, I’ve got a little work I have to do. There are some seeds in the shed. The directions are on them, but don’t touch them until your rooms are straight. I’ll unlock the old clothes chest for costumes if you want to play afterwards. I don’t care what you do as long as you clean up. I’ll be in the den if you need me.”

    The author states that the afternoon went amazing. He helped with a couple questions about the seeds and had to remind his son twice about his room. He settled one disagreement that “gave me a chance to teach a principle. (We “backed up” the problem and had the two act out how they could have resolved it without fighting. It was a real teaching moment, because it was related to something that had just happened rather than being a lesson I just happened to want to teach them).” The author got his work done and when he finished his kids had a play to present to him with the costumes.

    He says, “I learned that day that children do not need to be told to learn or told what to learn. They need responsive parents. They need a father who is more interested in them and in their needs and interests of the day than in his own preconceived ideas of what would be fun or what they should learn.”

    I have found this to be especially true lately with Ivy and Sage. When anything happens – Ivy takes something and Sage is screaming, Sage hits Ivy and Ivy is retaliating, etc. I usually intervene and help them resolve it. Lately I’ve just been letting it happy. This takes a lot of resolve because the natural parent reaction is “there is conflict happening with my kids, I need to do something.” But what I’ve found is, when I intervene, I can usually calm it down after a couple minutes, but another conflict is very likely to happen again soon after.

    What I’ve found is that if I just let the conflict happen between them, it might take longer to calm down, someone might even get hurt, but they will eventually resolve it. And when they do resolve it, it will be done, over, squashed. I think when I step in and force a resolution, there isn’t really anything being resolved. I’m putting a band-aid on the situation and it will soon happen again. But when they’re allowed the space to work it out together, it actually gets resolved, and they move on to peaceful, awesome, team-work play.

    “Children are more like plants than like clay. They need to be nourished, not formed; cultivated in their own growth, not pressed into molds.”

    “My Commitment to My Children’s Agency”:

    1. I will not force my children into my preconceived mold of what they should be. I will try to discover who and what they really are as they discover themselves. I will try to expose them to many things and to encourage their interests, their abilities.
    2. I will try to give them a free and active, open environment. No parts of our house will be off-limits. I will be sure there is an abundance of crafts, projects, books, games, and materials to experiment with.
    3. I will watch them, listen to them, and answer their questions honestly (with another question whenever I can). I will watch for “teaching moments” and take the time necessary whenever I see one.
    4. As much as practical, I will let them make their own decisions.
    5. I will make my own life as real and full as possible so that I will serve as an example to them of the joy of growing up and becoming an adult. I will show confidence in the gospel and in myself so that they will want to come to me when they have questions or worries.

    Item one will be difficult for me given my love of basketball. I hope my girls will develop a love of basketball as I watch with them, take them to practice, and take them to play. Ivy and I have started daily ball handling drills. So far it’s fun and she’s enjoying it. I hope it continues.

    Give the right priority to your kids without dominating them.

    “The Savior, of course, was a great consultant. He guided people in working out their own problems. He answered questions with questions or with parables. He made people think, encouraging them to draw their own conclusions.”

    “Joseph Smith, in one of his most profound and thought-provoking statements, said, “I teach [the people] correct principles and they govern themselves.” To a surprising degree, this works even with small children.”

    Consultantship Summary:

    • “I am a consultant to them. I let them explore, experience, discover, I watch for teaching moments and respond to questions but try not to manage or dictate what the do any more than I have to.
    • “I teach them principles and try to be an example of each principle I teach.”

    Calmness-Consistency-Congruence:

    Calmness

    When speaking of Mr. Rogers, “It is because he is so calm that it makes them (kids) feel calm.”

    “Anything connected with the Savior or His words carries a feeling of peace.”

    “Nothing works better in calming down a child than telling her about a time when you felt the same way.”

    “Probably the most important key to calmness is that the father have calmness as his conscious goal. Whatever your other objectives for the moment…try to maintain a second objective which is always the same: ‘Keep a calm, pleasant spirit whenever you are with them.’”

    Consistency

    “Erratic behavior, on the other hand, upsets children and makes them insecure.”

    “Things that are consistent in a family become traditions. Children gain security and calmness from things that don’t change, things they can depend on.”

    Congruence

    “There is a difference between an uncontrolled temper and righteous indignation. There is also a difference between real calmness and artificially-contained fury.

    “Christ often taught through righteous indignation. When His apostles made mistakes and should have known better, He reproved them sharply, and they felt His love through His wanting them to be better. Two things distinguished His anger. First, it was always directed at what they did, never at them. Second, it was controlled, never out of control.” (John tells us that Christ braided a whip before driving the money-changers from the temple.)

    “You change your children for the better only as you change yourself for the better.”

    Importance of setting a good example:

    1. “We were having a hard time getting the two older girls to practice the violin consistently. After weeks of nagging and pushing, I had a better idea. I got out my old cello and started practicing each morning before breakfast. Within a week, the girls were practicing, too.
    2. “Josh’s room was always a disaster. I had tried to explain how much better and more peaceful he would feel if he kept it straight, but with no results. One day I brought him into my room, which needed cleaning, and sat him down to watch. While I cleaned, I talked about how nice it would make me feel. I showed him that I enjoyed having it straight. I explained what pride meant and that I was proud of my room. About then, he disappeared. When I finished I peeked into his room. He was cleaning feverishly, with a contented smile on his face.”

    Calmness-Consistency-Congruence Summary:

    • “I’m calm in the presence of my children. They feel my calmness and respond to it.”
    • “I’m consistent with my children in discipline, in being responsive to their questions, and in doing certain things they can depend on.”
    • “My feelings and behavior with my children are congruent. I let them see my real emotions, but they are always in control. If I get more angry than ‘righteous indignation’ would allow, I apologize to them.”

    That last part is something I take pride in. If I make a mistake (hurt my child, lose my temper, yell, am unfair, am unreasonable, etc), I will apologize to my girls. I think it’s extremely important that they see and hear me apologize when I make a mistake.

    Concentration:

    “Children need two kinds of confidence. One is the security-confidence of being part of a family institution. The other is the individual-confidence of liking themselves, of being unique, of knowing there are certain things they do well.”

    Ways to focus on each child as an individual:

    1. Daddy Dates
      • Each child has a “daddy date book” which is nothing more than a note book in which she keeps memories of each date – – a ticket stub or a program.
    2. Clubs
      • With the eldest daughter, who loves books, she has “the Library Discussion Group.” With a six-year-old son, who is very mechanically minded, he has “The Fixers Club” (whenever something breaks, the two of them try to fix it together). These clubs not only give each child a special and unique relationship with their dad; they also provide a vehicle for close communication. The father says he learns far more about his boy in their talks while “fixing things” than in any more formal “interview.”
    3. Husband-Wife Reviews
      • Go on a date once a month where the topic of discussion is each child, how they’re progressing, and their needs.
    4. Interviews
      • Meet with children once a week to talk about their week and their goals for the upcoming week.
    5. Ten-second Focus and Taking them Along.
      • Another father I want to tell you about says he’s too busy for any routines such as those listed above. He says that whenever he tries a “daily program” or a “weekly interview” something comes up and he feels guilty for not following it. His method, therefore, for giving his children individual attention is quite different. First, no matter how busy he is, he finds at least one moment a day (sometimes only a few seconds) to interact directly with each child. He focuses all his attention on that child, perhaps for just one question: “How did that math test go?” Second, this father takes one of his children with him whenever it is possible.

    The last part is something I put extra effort into doing even though it’s so much more work. Going to the store? Which (or all) of my girls can I take with me? Visiting someone from church? Who is coming with me? Meeting with the missionaries and someone interested in our church? One of my girls is coming along. That last one often happens and for any “distraction” having a young child with me causes I think is more than made up for by cuteness.

    “One help in a large family is for the father to make a point of privately telling each child how important his individual place in the family is. “You are the oldest and your example means so much to the others.” “You are the youngest daughter and we’ll always have a special love for you.” “You’re our blondie.”

    “As you begin to feel that you know the unique strengths and gifts of a particular child, it is a good exercise to write out a description of that child which includes each gift. The writing helps you focus real attention on that child. (The reading, out loud to the child, improves her confidence both in herself and in your love for and interest in her.)

    “Perhaps the best way to learn how to treat a child as an individual is to pray about each one, to ask the Lord to reveal to you their strengths and to tell you how to communicate fully and individually with each one.”

    Concentration – Summary

    • “Each of my children is unique. I appreciate separate things about each of them.
    • I find ways to be with each one alone and to talk to each one alone. I realize that each may need a different kind of communication with me.
    • I look for the unique gifts that each one has and compliment it and cultivate it.”
  • Mike Leach

    Mike Leach

    In the Spring of 2009 Uncle Mike helped fund a trip for my entire family to go to a Club Med to celebrate my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I was an extremely moody teenager at the time. It was still a memorable experience. That’s the kind of trip you never forget. Participating in trapeze acts, golfing, boogie boarding at the beach, paddle boats, volleyball, skate parks; that was a fun trip. I wonder if that was the last time the whole Leach family was together. It had to have been. Laura moved on in May of 2018. My grandparents made it to 63 anniversaries. Grandma moved on May of this year.

    When my brother Dresdan received the Melchizedek priesthood, my family went to St. George for the ordination. We went to my brother’s church that day. I remember my Grandpa Frank bearing his testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Grandpa talked about the pain involved in burying a child when Laura died. He’s since had to bury his best friend/wife and now his oldest son. My heart goes out to Grandpa.

    Grandpa talked about the pain of saying goodbye, but in his testimony, he pointed out the most important thing. He emphatically testified that day that he would see Laura again. I know that my grandpa knows he will also see Grandma and Mike again.

    When I talked to my mom hours after Mike passed, she said Sharon was doing surprisingly well. She was strong. Not that my mom needed any reminding, but I mentioned how important our faith is in these moments. When you know you’ll see someone again it becomes a painful, but endurable goodbye. My Aunt Sharon’s strength comes from her faith. I know my cousins will be ok too.

    Mike was a man of deep faith. It warms my heart to think of him with Grandma and Laura again. It saddens my heart to think that my cousins and aunt will have to go so long without him. I hope they remember, it’s a couple more decades, and then eternity.

    61 is a young age to move on. So is 71 and 81 and 91 and 101. Goodbye is goodbye, no matter how old you are. It occurred to me that if I move on at 61, Sage won’t yet be 30. I can’t imagine not seeing Sage reach 30. Mike didn’t get a chance to see his two youngest children reach 30. My heart aches for them.

    Mike is my mom’s oldest brother. I say “is” because, if you read my blog, you know I know he’s not really gone. He’s still her oldest brother. He’ll forever be her oldest brother. My mom has said in the past that I remind her of Mike. Few see the resemblance. I think my mom’s view comes from him being her oldest brother, and I am the oldest of my siblings. I like to think I’m like him. He was able to show his brilliance to so many people through football. Mike Leach will go down in history as one of the most innovative college football minds of all time, and most interesting. His impact on this world goes far, far beyond football. The most important thing he ever did was be a husband and a father. I think he would agree. I look forward to asking him one day.

    Last year I “interviewed” Uncle Mike. I read a lot of books that say to talk to the successful people around you. Pick their brain. My Uncle is one of the most successful people in the history of his profession. What a person to interview. Mike was a busy man. He spent over an hour on the phone with me, answering my questions.

    I want to share something Mike said to me that night that I think encapsulate the way he lived his life.

    I asked Mike what’s something he believes that others think is crazy. His response was, “People put limits on themselves. Perceive where you’re going, value the journey.”

    I also asked Mike the question we all wondered: How and why did you get a law degree and then end up coaching football? He said that since he was very young, he enjoyed coaching. He got his law degree and then he realized, if he didn’t try coaching right then he might never do it. He didn’t want to give coaching a try when he was old and retired from law. He didn’t want to look back and wonder what it would have been like to coach. Thank goodness for the world that Mike Leach gave coaching a try first. The world would have missed out on some classic and memorable Mike Leach moments.

    “Perceive where you’re going, value the journey.” I think Mike valued the journey. I think he will value his new journey. I can picture him, so joyful, reuniting with loved ones now. I can also feel the pain in his heart for the time he will go missing his wife, children, and grandchildren.

    Life is short. We say that to remind ourselves to live it to the fullest. It can also be said to remind ourselves that goodbyes here are always short in the grand scheme. He’ll be united with his family again. He knows that, his family knows that, Grandpa knows that. Death is made bearable in its short-lived victory. Ultimately, death has been defeated already. Its victory is a farce, though the pain we feel is real.

    For a guy who is often described as the most quotable person in football, there’s no more fitting way to end this than with a legitimate Mike Leach quote. When asked how the Mike wanted to be remembered and how the Mike Leach obituary should be written, Mike responded, “well that’s their problem, they’re the one writing the obituary, I mean, what do I care? I’m dead.”

    Mike, we’ll miss you. We’ll see you soon.

  • Become What you Deserve

    Become What you Deserve

    I recently sent this picture to three friends of mine:

    I said to them, “How you know when you’re officially an old dad – your recommended videos on YouTube. Just letting you guys know so you can start to see the signs.”

    My recommended videos on YouTube are –

    1. 12 hours of White Noise Black Screen (so I can sleep)
    2. Live Elmo compilation (so Ivy can be entertained)
    3. 12 hours of Dog TV (so Bengie can be entertained)

    One of my friends responded, “I’ll keep that in mind if I ever find a partner.”

    These three friends are in various relationship statuses, mostly in the bachelor spectrum. That comment from my close friend made me think. I wanted to respond with something semi-productive. I didn’t want to give a normal, mean, insulting, and joking answer.

    I responded, “Step 1 – Take steps towards making yourself someone you’d want to date.”

    This got me thinking. I tell Beth all the time, if she met me when I was 19-24, she would not have been able to stand me. There’s very little chance she would have had interest in me. She would have thought I was an obnoxious, selfish, immature child. I could easily put some more disparaging adjectives there, but I’ll go easy on myself.

    In our lives we always want the best for ourselves. We want a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken, funny, fun, giving, kind, patient person we can trust and who has their life together. That’s what we want for ourselves. I know that’s what I always wanted. The problem was, that’s the kind of girl from the age of 19-24 I was looking for, meanwhile I was none of those things myself.

    How can we expect to find a partner we love and respect for all their great qualities if we haven’t developed those qualities for ourselves?

    I’m still working on those qualities, but I hope that my journey back to church helped me to develop some of those qualities a little more. I had to take concrete, real, small steps towards making myself a better person to find a partner I always felt I “deserved,” though lacking the evidence of deserving anything. My behavior for those few years (19-24) was selfish, half-hazardous, and chaotic. No wonder I found myself in selfish, half-hazard, and chaotic relationships.

    My point is, we don’t just find a phenomenal partner. We earn a phenomenal partner by being those very qualities we want in a partner. Again, no chance Beth gives me a second glance when I’m 22. But through changing a plethora of bad habits I became a person someone like Beth – a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken, funny, fun, kind and patient individual with her life together – would give a chance.

    Don’t expect to find a great partner if you haven’t developed great qualities in yourself. This doesn’t happen over night. It’s a conscious and effort-filled journey to impvove oneself. Sometimes it’s hard to be introspective and address the qualities in oneself that aren’t the best. I know it was hard for me.

    I’m still working every day to be a husband that deserves a wife like Beth. Now I have the added motivation to be a father that raises a daughter with good qualities. It’s my greatest desire for Ivy to be kind, and smart, and confident, and bold.

    Start making the steps. Find one habit you can change. Be better tomorrow than you were yesterday. Through small and simple steps great things can, and will, happen.

    For more on change, Beth gave a great talk on change that I shared here.

    Also, Elder Kevin S. Hamilton gave a talk in last General Conference (eerily similar to Beth’s) on change, which can be read here.