No Coincidences

Tag: journey

Lost

I wrote this our first Sunday at church with Sage.

I don’t know what I wanted out of life as a teenager. I wasn’t someone who pictured certain things. I don’t remember picturing what my ideal life would be.

Today we sat in church for the first time with Sage. She is 8 days old. She was next to me in her car seat, sound asleep. Ivy was on the other side of me and Beth was next to her.

Then it hit me. This is everything I could want out of life.

I grew up in an LDS household. My family went to church. I have lots of siblings. I don’t know if back then I realized how much I would want this. There were large portions of my life where I convinced myself that wasn’t what I wanted. But it was always there, inside me, whether I acknowledged it or not. A deep desire to have a family.

I realize now, I always wanted a family. Right now, with my two daughters and my wife, being at church, there is nothing more I could ask for in life. This is joy.

I work with the 11-15 year old boys in our church. After that thought came to me in sacrament meeting, I got to share it with them.

I don’t know what those boys want out of life. I didn’t know at that age. I was able to bear my testimony to them that there is no greater joy in this life than having children, and I wished it for each of them. I told them they need to figure out what they want out of life. I told them I hoped they could find the joy I’ve been able to find.

It was a long journey for me to get here. In that same class with the boys we had a lesson on Isaiah and the iron rod was brought up as a symbol of something greater. One of the boys asked the question: how does the iron rod, which represents the word of God, help us get to the tree of life, which represents Heaven? I told him, it is so easy to get lost. And without the word of God and His commandments, getting lost is almost inevitable. I told this boy I hoped he never had to get lost.

I got lost. There were many times I didn’t know if I’d ever make it back.

I often wonder why I deserve so much that God has given me. The answer must be that I don’t deserve anything. He just loves us so much, He’s willing to give us what our hearts truly desire. Whether that be in this life or the next, God has given us everything and will continue to do so. It took me a long time to realize what my heart truly desired. God let me take the long winding road here probably so I could truly appreciate it.

I do appreciate it.

I am grateful for the family God has given me. I am grateful for His Church. I am grateful that I’m no longer lost. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

October 20, 2022
Letter to a Lost Testimony

Someone close to me once said, “I hope you never lose your testimony. I’ve lost almost everything in life. I’ve lost a wife, jobs, money, houses, cars, friends; but none of it, none of it, compares to losing my testimony. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.”

This person, I’m very close with, I love him very much. This person has completely “fallen away” from the Church, as we say.

He is a great person.

I could have been him.

I could have gotten confused by doctrine, church history, and the plethora of other things to get confused by. I could have lost sight of the most important thing – Jesus Christ. It could happen to any of us.

I’ve long thought and pondered to myself ‘how can I help him return?’ Maybe I’m starting to learn I can maybe help him return, but I won’t be able to make him return. I’ve thought about lectures on DNA, elephants, steel, and horses. I’m prepared to discuss it all. But in the end that doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. The Book of Mormon will have its day. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is the Christ.

Getting into the discussions that led him away from the church – DNA, horses, elephants – that’s not going to help him return. Only the spirit, which I know he once felt, can help him return.

So, here is my letter to you. This is to a particular person in my life, but I think it can apply to so many people, to so many lives.

Thank you. Thank you for that quote you told me once above. I think about it often. Thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being an example to me. Thank you for reminding me that Christ’s Church is sometimes only as good as we make it. Thank you for encouraging me to read, and study, and KNOW it’s true. Your study of the gospel is legendary. I’ve heard of it not just from others. I know you studied. At some point you were deceived. No more flattering words or trying to softly deliver this message to your ego. You were deceived.

It’s not too late. It’s not too late to remember. It’s not too late to regain your testimony. You talk as if a testimony, once lost, can never return. As if you know too much and you can’t go back. I’m here to remind you, as I know God has over the past decades, that you know nothing. Try to read again, please. That’s all I ask. If only to prove me wrong. I know where peace comes from, and I want to remind you.

I know maybe The Church isn’t for everybody in this life. Or maybe that’s something I think so I don’t feel as bad when I can’t help someone see what I see and find the peace I’ve found. I know you’re happy. I know you’re OK. But I also know you can come back to so much more.

Finally, you were and are a good dad. You made mistakes. Your children love you immensely, I know that. Don’t ever confuse your mistakes to be unforgivable. I know life as a father isn’t always perfect. You have children as stubborn and as difficult as you are (I’m looking at all of you). Another thing you said about my dad has stuck with me since you said it roughly 9 years ago. I am lucky to have him, but I want to remind you that your family is lucky to have you too. We’re all lucky to have you.

I love you and so does He.

August 12, 2021
Listen, Learn, Love
I recently listened to an episode from a podcast called Listen, Learn Love. This podcast has opened up my ways of thinking on a few topics. The episode I listened to recently I basically want to summarize (steal) because the points made are so simple, so well-said, and so true.

Here is a link to the website for the podcast if you want to learn more: https://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

The episode I recently listened to that I’m writing thoughts on here is episode 2 and can be found if you search for podcast “Listen, Learn, and Love.”

The podcast is hosted by Richard Ostler. He is a former Young Single Adult Ward Bishop. He has now done 334 episodes of his podcast which “was created out of the desire to better understand our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. We believe in God and in His decree to love one another.” – from the mission statement on the website.

Episode 2 does not focus on the LGBTQ+ topic which I feel is an extremely important topic in the church. Still, this episode is also important and I learned a lot from it.

The topic was faith-crisis. Whether minor or major, any faith crisis is difficult to go through. When I was returning to church my uncle said something that has stuck with me. He said he wouldn’t wish the losing of faith on his worst enemy. You can lose cars, homes, family, money, everything in this world, but losing your faith is the hardest thing that a person can possibly go through.

As I continue to write I will be presenting many ideas that came directly from Brother Ostler. Please listen to the episode. For ease of writing, I won’t reference Brother Ostler in everything I’ll continue to say. Just know most of these thoughts came directly from him, and I hope to re-state them without taking too much away from them.

In my writing, I often refer to “The Church.” When I say this I am referring to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Something I’d never considered is how important it is to clarify what we mean when we say, “The Church.” The Latter-day Saint Church could mean different things to different people.

A couple categories for “The Church” are
1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
  - This was described beautifully by Brother Ostler as a pristine, clear-watered pool. No murkiness. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect in every way. This hasn’t been completely revealed yet.
2. The restored Church of Jesus Christ.
  - It has the restored priesthood and priesthood keys. Ideally, this would be perfect. I think we sometimes confuse this category with the next category I’ll mention. The restored Church of Jesus Christ should be perfect. The problem is, as we know, Christ must use fallible men and women to run His church.
3. The institutional church.
  - This is where we get into a flawed organization. The institutional church has many people, programs, and policies that are meant to implement the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The institutional church is run by men and women and therefore has flaws. Christ guides the institutional church, but people make mistakes. Brother Ostler points out in the podcast that as a YSA Bishop he was a part of the institutional church and he knew he made mistakes as a Bishop, a leader in the church.
Much of the hurt that comes into the souls of God’s children is caused by the institutional church. It is critical to not confuse “The Church” the institution with the pure and perfect Gospel of Jesus Christ.

A faith crisis is a serious event that can happen to anybody. You can’t always read and pray a faith crisis away. We are here to develop faith and while here our faith will be tested. Sometimes to the very brink. It’s important to get our roots in the correct place. Is your faith in a bishop? It shouldn’t be, it should be in Jesus Christ. The best bishop in the world can let you down. Jesus Christ can not.

The fourth article of faith: “We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: FIRST, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Articles of Faith can be read here. I invite everyone to read and focus on the first four articles of faith in the Restored Church of Jesus Christ. You’ll notice not only is Jesus Christ’s name in the name of the Church, but that He is referenced three times in the first four articles.

Our foundation must be on Christ.

Brother Ostler talked about the Policy Statement of 2015 and how it created a “mini faith crisis” for him. These were changes made by the institutional church and have since been reversed. He talked about how difficult that was for him, personally. He is not the first person I’ve heard that was impacted in a sad, difficult way by those changes. He emphasized that the brethren (leaders of the church) were doing their best. Brother Ostler referred to dominoes, and how the policy statements started to make dominoes fall in his faith. What saved Brother Ostler’s faith was that all his dominoes didn’t fall. As he stated so perfectly, some of his dominoes had roots to the center of the earth and couldn’t be shaken. He referenced Jesus Christ, priesthood blessings, and temples as the foundation of his faith.

The 2015 Policy Statement is a good example of what separates the institutional church from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The institutional church can and does make mistakes. Jesus Christ does not reverse. Jesus Christ does not change.

We must change the way we discuss faith crises. There are too many people who leave the church because they don’t feel heard. The idea that you can read or pray away a faith crisis is inaccurate and often leads individuals to feel like the “Church” is avoiding their concerns. We have to listen, as the Savior did, to those with concerns. Ask questions. Having a faith crisis does not mean someone is sinning. It can mean that, but it doesn’t always. Brother Ostler is a perfect example. His self-described “mini faith crisis” came while he was a YSA bishop spending dozens of hours each week in service to others. He was reading, praying, and serving as much as anyone could at that time. Imagine telling a bishop he needs to pray more, or read more, or do more to fix your problem. One could rightfully be turned off by this suggestion.

We must stop considering a faith crisis as a dirty topic that we must avoid. Thousands are having one at this moment. Those with unshaken faith must support and lift those who have a hard time. We must address questions head on and strengthen our faith together. We must strengthen each other. We are family. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is meant for everyone.

Now I’d like to share some of my personal story. I returned to church in 2016. I narrowly missed being an active member of the church when the policy statements came out. I know this was a hard time for the church. I know many people left. I know many people, like Brother Ostler, were shaken by the announcement.

I’ve often thought about my faith. I feel fortunate and blessed to have never experienced a personal faith crisis. Even in my time away from the church, I never doubted that Jesus Christ died for me. I never doubted Joseph Smith was a prophet. I never doubted the restored Church of Jesus Christ. I never doubted the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While I was living completely opposite to some of the teachings the church, I still knew it was true. I know I caused many head scratches from those who witnessed my verbal devotion while clearly ignoring all the precepts of the church.

I said my faith has always been a blessing to me. I believe it has. When I was living opposite to the principles of the gospel it felt like a curse. I’m sure I will need to answer for that one day. If I knew it so much to be true, I believe I’ll be more accountable for my behavior. Maybe that’s what gives me so much faith in Jesus Christ. I know how important His Atonement is to me personally. I have too many spots on my garments. Without Him I am a damned soul.

Maybe that’s difficult for others who have never grievously sinned. It’s easy to appreciate a lifeboat when you’re sinking in the ocean. What if you’re safe on shore, do you still have the same appreciation for the lifeboat? I’m not implying those who have lived just, kind, good lives start to finish are in anyway unappreciative of the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for them. I’m truly amazed by those I see that have been faithful and true for all of their mortal journey. I can only speak for myself. I was not true for all of my journey and it makes me worship and love my Savior so intensely.

I wonder what would have happened if I was in church in 2015. Would I have struggled? Would I have left?

I don’t know the answer to many questions.

A book I read recently repeated the idea that we (humanity) know so much; space travel, geography, math, science. Ask someone to give some thoughts about nature or history and everyone can provide some insight. Ask someone to provide some thoughts about who they are, and they will struggle. We often know and understand ourselves least of all the things in the world. I take comfort in knowing there are two individuals who know me infinitely better than I currently know myself.

I want to give advice to anyone currently in a faith crisis. Fight. Don’t lose your faith. Please. It’s the most valuable thing on this earth. You can lose your family, money, cars, your home, and you can lose your faith. I hope we all fight for our faith. Focus your faith on what is most important. All your questions – ask them. Doubt. Wonder. Have concern. Voice your concerns. But don’t forget where faith should lie. Jesus Christ is the only name whereby men can be saved (Acts 4:12).

Sometimes people will hurt, disappoint, or let you down. Sometimes those people may be leaders you trust. We all hurt and disappoint people we love. We must hope that we will receive mercy for the hurt we cause, and therefore should show mercy to those who hurt us. The great giver of all mercy is Jesus Christ. He loves each of us. He wants each of us to do whatever we can to come closer to Him. Stay close to Him and He will never let you down.

Find those experiences in your memory that remind you that Jesus Christ guides His church. Read the Book of Mormon and ask yourself if it could be false. Then ask yourself, if it is false, how can it so perfectly testify of Jesus Christ?

Find your foundation in sure things. The pure faith in Christ. Then fight for that faith. We hope the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can be a faith building organization for all. We hope that the covenants we make can strengthen our faith and the faith of those around us. But at all costs, do not mix the pure, perfect, pristine waters of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the sometimes-murky institution run by us here on earth.
December 3, 2020
How did I get here?

What is my goal in writing this blog?

Hopefully to uplift someone, anyone. Believer, nonbeliever. Member of the Church of Jesus Christ, member of any church, member of no church. I’d like to teach people who know nothing about this faith some of what I believe. I’d like to share with members of my faith the things that have impacted my testimony.

Recently a new motivation has emerged. With a daughter on the way I realize one day she can read all this. Whether or not anyone reads any of this. One day my daughter might.

Right now, I’m posting individual posts that are unrelated to each other. Mostly my thoughts and musings. As I post more, I plan on categorizing posts into certain sections. If someone could come to this page and read a quick one to two-page entry and leave slightly uplifted, that’s my ultimate goal. Most of my writing I hope to be somewhat thought provoking. Just things I’ve thought about or ideas and concepts that have really impacted me and changed the way I’ve looked at life.

I hope for this to be informational. I was greatly impacted by the writing of a man, John Pontius. As I read more, I’m impacted by the writings of many people who took the time to put thoughts on paper. Maybe something I write one day will help someone. I also hope to discuss what I feel makes the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ special. I hope for people not of my faith to read, and maybe have something stirred in their souls. Something that reminds them of where they came from, and maybe have a desire to learn more about Christ’s Church and what makes it so important.

As I write I’ll share a lot about me. I wanted a section to describe, briefly, who I am and how I got here.

Anybody reading on my page will immediately notice the strong religious theme. It’s what I think about most. For a portion of my life, it was not this way.

About me:

I was born in Payson, Utah in 1990. I moved to St. George, Utah when I was ~5. I moved to Las Vegas, Nevada when I was ~9. I lived in three houses from ages 9 to 18 in Las Vegas. We moved a lot and that was always difficult for me while growing up.

Payson, Utah

St. George, Utah

Las Vegas, Nevada

In 2009 I moved to Arizona to go to Arizona State University. I decided early on I didn’t want to go to UNLV (University of Nevada Las Vegas) or UNR (University of Nevada Reno). I wanted to get out of Nevada, I wanted a fresh start. I had no family in Arizona. Las Vegas wasn’t far, but I would be completely on my own.

I still remember when I was driving to Arizona for orientation with my mom. She got sick on the way and we stopped. I think we were in Boulder City, about an hour into the drive. I took her to the emergency room. My dad drove there to be with my mom. I had to be at orientation the next morning. I drove to Arizona by myself. It was the first time I’d driven that kind of distance alone and was symbolic of me becoming independent.

I went to ASU for five semesters. I studied construction management. I always did well in high school with minimal effort. I’m one of those obnoxious individuals who brags about never studying in high school. Boy did I learn my lesson once I got to college. My grades, with zero work ethic and desire, quickly reflected my effort. It didn’t help that I soon realized I wasn’t interested in what I was studying. Construction management can be interesting, but it wasn’t for me. There’s only so much I could take learning about the strength of concrete.

Like if you get the reference

My junior year I officially dropped out of college with (of course) the intention of going back and finishing once I found my passion. I say “of course” because that’s what we all say. During school I found that I was much more interested in parties, poker, and basketball than I was in learning about safety standards of construction sites. When I stopped going to school I continued to live on campus and enjoy college life, minus the higher education part. I spent a full year couch surfing. I’m sheepish to admit now, but I look back fondly on that year. It was a year spent staying up until 5am, waking up at 1pm, sneaking into the student rec center to play basketball, getting food, finding a party, rinse/repeat. It may sound like a pathetic use of time but it’s something I think I needed to experience.

If my daughter ever reads this – not everyone needs to experience this. That’s part of why I’m writing. To show that I made mistakes and lived life a certain way. Ultimately, I can’t regret it because it eventually got me to where I am today. I have learned through my own experiences where true happiness exists. True happiness comes from serving others, giving yourself to something bigger than yourself. True happiness comes from loving others. I had to go a round-about way to learn what’s important in life. Not everyone has to make things as difficult as I made things for myself.

During my time couch surfing, I was working odd jobs here and there to have enough money for food and extra-curricular activities. I went to Utah near the end of this adventure for some “soul searching.” After “finding myself,” or not finding myself, I ended up back in Arizona working as a helpdesk tech for two companies. I went with one of those companies 3 years later when they switched offices and took over as the Systems Administrator. I now (as of 2020) work for a managed services provider supporting various companies with their technology needs.

As I write this blurb about my journey and my past, many thoughts come to mind of what I learned along the way. I might refer back to this when I need a topic to write about. Like my lack of desire studying something I wasn’t passionate about or the years spent partying and what that taught me about what I want out of life.

Faith-wise, I started falling away from the church, due to my choices, when I was 16. I always had a testimony of this restored church, of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and Jesus Christ. That never changed. Despite my many mistakes and many wrong decisions, I always knew it was true. When I went to ASU I lost contact with the church completely. It amazes me to look back and realize I didn’t even know where the church building/institute building/anything related to the church was on campus. It’s like I’d lost connection with that part of me.

Throughout the years I’d attempt half-heartedly to return to church. It never stuck. I was completely inactive from about 18-25. Seven long years of inactivity.

As of this year, 2020, I’ve been back at church for four years and never been happier. I hope to express through my writing the joy the gospel has brought me and share some of my experiences that can maybe help others. That’s the hope. I’ve felt drawn to writing these entries so if one person is helped it’s a major win.

And if all these hopes fail, I’ll at least be able to look back on everything I’ve written. One day I can show my daughter and she can know I always believed. She can see it wasn’t always easy. She can see life has ups and downs, but it will work out. Have faith. That makes this worth writing.

August 13, 2020
Jonah and the Whale

Answer to prayer – but not what you expect!

One of the most spiritual experiences I ever had, referenced in the post You Sent a Dog to Comfort a Boy, happened in the basement of my Aunt and Uncle’s home. Go read the post to get some back story on why I was there, ie soul searching.

During that trip, by some coincidence, my cousin had his farewell to go on his mission. I went to the farewell and I felt stuff. I felt an urge. I felt guidance. I came to Utah to search my soul and here it was.

That night I went back to the bedroom I’d been staying in. With just Bengie (my aunt, uncle, and cousin’s dog) in the room I knelt, and I prayed. I prayed like I hadn’t in so long. I asked what I was supposed to do.

Have you heard the story of Jonah and the whale? For those who don’t know, the Bible tells us that Jonah, a prophet of God, was commanded to go to Nineveh to prophesy to its inhabitants. He was to command them to repent and preach of their forthcoming destruction if they refused. Nineveh was described as a scary place. It was a near certainty Jonah would be murdered upon telling the inhabitants of their wickedness.

I always heard that story and couldn’t imagine, couldn’t comprehend. GOD told Jonah to do something. If God tells you to do something – you do it! It doesn’t matter how afraid you are or how scary it is. You DO WHAT GOD COMMANDS. Especially when it’s that clear. If God told you to do something, you would listen, wouldn’t you?

That’s what I always thought.

That night in the basement I asked what I should do next with my life. The answer couldn’t have been clearer if an angel appeared in the room and said it to my face. I knew. I needed to go on a mission. I can’t stress this enough. I knew what I was supposed to do.

Then the doubts. “I can’t go on a mission. Where would I even begin? I have so much to repent of. I don’t even know who to go to” were my thoughts. Also, I would have to give a GOING AWAY speech like I just watched my cousin give that very day. Out of the question. The thought of getting up in church and giving a talk was enough to make me feel sick. I couldn’t do it. I was too afraid. On top of that I had big plans in the coming weeks. It was my friend’s birthday and we had partying to do. You know, the important stuff. I couldn’t repent NOW.

In the story of Jonah he gets on a ship to run away (From God- I know, crazy). But here I was, running away from God. I pretended like I didn’t know the answer to my prayer, but I knew. I ran. I ran away.

I didn’t get swallowed by a whale. Instead I moved on, distracted and forgetting.

After Jonah’s whale incident, he finally agrees to do what God asked of him. He was spit up on the shore of Nineveh and followed what God asked him to do.

I think in a way, the few years after that moment in the basement, I was figuratively in a storm and swallowed by a whale. Not for three days but for four years. Eventually God had the whale spit me back up on shore.

You’d think I missed my chance, right? I never went on a mission. For a long time I thought I could never be forgiven for ignoring God. Then I got my patriarchal blessing. In it I am told to trouble myself not over lost days. I can’t explain in words the comfort that simple phrase gave to me.

Back to Jonah. He ignored God. Yet still, somehow, God used Jonah’s mistakes to bring about His work. I don’t know how God makes up for our mistakes. It recently occurred to me that in that basement I gave the first sincere prayer in a long time. Then I ignored God. I showed a modicum of faith followed by an excess of fear. After that I found a job in Arizona, I settled down, and have been here in Arizona ever since. Then I returned to church. Now I’m here, writing to you, hopefully you’ve stuck with me this far.

It’s so much better to do what God asks the first time. I think we avoid a lot of heartache if we do. But never forget – trouble yourself not over lost days. God will have you spit up on shore when you’re ready. When you’re really ready to trust in Him. It took me some time. Somehow, He accepted that. Somehow, He waited. I’m not saying I’ll ever fully make up for disobedience, not sure exactly how that works. But I know that Christ will forgive me because He loves me. There is no greater comfort than that.

July 17, 2020