“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”
Think about that statement for a moment.
I heard this quote in a recent meditation I did. The meditation guided this visual exercise: Picture yourself as a child, truly picture it. Picture yourself as a baby. Picture yourself on someone’s lap. Picture yourself being held, comforted, and played with. Picture yourself laughing joyfully as someone makes a funny face at you. Picture yourself young and innocent.
You don’t have to earn worthiness; you don’t have to earn love. You are loved because you are.
The next time you don’t feel worthy, picture yourself as a child. You are worthy.
This exercise led me to an even more powerful thought. One that speaks not only to our worthiness here, but to our birthright and our eternal potential.
Consider Adam for a moment, the first man. When he came to this earth, we are told he was as a child. Adam came to earth meek and humble, a child-like individual. He had forgotten who he was. Who he was in reality was Michael the archangel, the chief angel. Adam was Michael, the angel second in authority. His authority was only exceeded by Jesus Christ Himself (and God, of course). In Hebrew the name Michael means “Who is like God.” This Michael came to earth with his mind wiped clean, with no recollection of his prior authority, no memory of his prior self.
What about us? What don’t we remember about ourselves?
The next time you are insecure, unsure, or afraid, remember that you are a child of divine inheritance. You are a prince or princess of the most High God. Consider that for a moment.
Not only are you loved and worthy of love, you are loved by the God of the universe. You are in line to inherit all He has to offer (D&C 84:38). Remember that, and don’t forget it. Hold to it.
We are as children here. We don’t remember our past. For all we know, we were spiritual giants. We are spiritual giants. We can be spiritual giants. Embrace that identity. Remember who you might be. Remember who it is you have been tutored by. The God of Heaven and Earth. When we embrace this way of thinking and embrace this possibility, the difficult things of this earth become so inconsequential. Our true potential is greatness. May we never forget it.
The Mourning Dove was one of my favorite books of 2020. It’s the first book I made Beth read. I read it in 2 days which isn’t much to brag about at only 84 pages.
The inside cover reads:
“A tender story of growing up, exploring life, exploring life, and discovering the boundaries and the defining moments of love.”
The back cover reads:
“The Mourning Dove is heart touching. It penetrates your soul and makes you glad to be alive.”
-Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul
This story is so good, so uplifting, so all the good things. I will put it at the top of books I would recommend to someone. It’s especially easy to recommend because it’s such a quick and easy read. I know people are increasingly busy and it’s hard to find time to sit down and read a long book. This book is short and sweet. You will finish it feeling like you’ve grown immensely after spending time with Pop, the main character’s grandpa.
After finishing the book, I wanted to write a screenplay. This book would make such a good movie. The message in it is simple. The story of a young boy learning adult lessons is timeless.
I had no idea Larry Barkdull wrote another book I loved titled Zion: Seeking the City of Enoch. Mr. Barkdull has an easy-going writing style that I enjoy because it’s not so difficult to follow. His stories flow and are combined with good messages. I’ve walked away from both his books feeling like I’ve learned something about life and myself.
I can’t say enough good things about this book. It can be found online for like a dollar. Buy it. You won’t regret it.
Sadly, while looking up information about this book I learned that Larry Barkdull passed away in 2016. I’d like to share this from his obituary:
Many will remember him as their gospel doctrine teacher, home teacher and friend, as he tended to the needs of those he loved. Larry also served weekly in the temple as an ordinance worker, a calling he cherished. Above all else, Larry’s greatest joy was his family. The only title he wished to follow his name was D.A.D. He left his family a legacy of great faith and leaves a hole that can never be filled. Words cannot express the least of what we feel. We love you. Our hearts are broken, but we know we will be together again.”
I don’t know how you can read that without a tear coming to your eye. Mr. Barkdull was clearly an inspired and important individual sent for an important purpose in God’s plan. I’m grateful I got to see a glimpse into his soul through his writing.
Ivy is the first grandchild on both sides. Ivy has 13 aunts and uncles. She has two sets of grandparents who, while around her, make no qualms about her being the princess of the universe and most important thing to ever come to earth. As I watch her with family, I’m blown away by the amount of love. She is loved so much. Beth and I love her so much. See The Greatest Moment of My Life Every Day for further evidence.
I wonder how much this love positively impacts Ivy’s future. How much does it impact the person she will become?
As I watch her, something occurred to me recently. I was surrounded by this same love growing up. I wasn’t the first grandchild on either side, but I was surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and grandparents that loved and adored me. Love was poured out upon me without measure as a baby. Not only was I loved by those I could see, but I was made to know that God and so many I couldn’t see also loved and cared about me.
While watching Ivy, it occurred to me how lucky and blessed I was to be surrounded by all that love.
How much was I positively impacted by the love I was surrounded by? How much did it shape who I am today?
Not all children are given this great gift.
It was a humbling thought. It’s humbling to consider all that I’ve been given. If I ever get prideful about any good qualities I may have, I can quickly look at all the attention, direction, and love I’ve been given in my life and realize there is nothing to be prideful of. I have been afforded much.
This used to be a daunting scripture. Now it is a great responsibility, and a great blessing.
As I’ve gotten older, I have become more aware of how blessed I was to be raised with the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. That is why I write this blog. That is why I try to talk to friends, family, coworkers, etc. about the Book of Mormon. That’s why I share my testimony of Jesus Christ.
I am grateful for The Family A Proclamation to the World for what is teaches authoritatively and without reservation about the importance of the family unit. My family unit has blessed my life in so many ways. I wish every child could be loved like I was, like I still am, like Ivy is.
God expects me to share the love I’ve been given. Not in a prideful way, but with a humble recognition of how lucky I truly am.
The two great commandments are to love and to love. When you receive love, you must give love. That’s what God asks from us.
“We need to wait for a helicopter. It’s 2 hours by road to the nearest hospital. You might have internal bleeding in your brain. You might die before we could get you there.”
I was in the back of an ambulance for the first time. It’s an interesting thing to wonder if you’re being melodramatic about dying and then being told by an EMT that you might die. It becomes a real possibility, if it wasn’t already.
My family rented ATVs over the weekend. We rented a cabin and stayed in Duck Creek, near Cedar City, Utah. We had the ATVs for four hours. My family went out first while Beth and I stayed at the cabin with Ivy. Then Beth and I swapped in for my mom and sister.
There were nine of us total and three ATVs. Two of the ATVs held four people and one of them held two. When Beth and I swapped in I drove with Beth in the front seat, my dad and brother in the back seat. We drove to Mammoth caves and explored. After 30 or so minutes looking at the caves, we went back to the ATVs to off road for our last 90 minutes before the ATVs had to be returned.
Moments before the accident
Beth hadn’t driven so we made her drive. My brother Garrick and his girlfriend Arielle rode in the back. We reminded Beth that if you’re not flipping the ATV you’re not trying. My uncle Jon led in the two-seater and my brother Dresdan drove the other four-seater behind them. We took up the rear so Beth could go at her own pace and not feel the pressure of Dresdan bearing down on her.
I had one glove off because I was eating airheads from my pocket. Beth was driving as cautiously as expected and the other two vehicles got ahead of us. I had a thought cross my mind: ‘I bet it would be safer to have no seatbelt on. It would probably be safer to be thrown out of this thing than stuck and crushed inside of it.’ I did have my seatbelt on. That thought I had was undoubtedly wrong.
I’ll describe what I remember next. Then I’ll tell the whole story from the perspective of those who stayed conscious throughout.
We were coming up on a turn. We were not going that fast. I had driven with much more reckless abandon when I was behind the wheel. We came up on this turn and Beth began to break and then we started to tip.
The next thing I remember was feeling pinned down and stuck. I couldn’t see anything. But I was stuck. My arm couldn’t move. I believe I started yelling.
The next thing I remember was the feeling of flipping over.
I still couldn’t see anything.
The next thing I remember was hearing crying and screaming from Beth. I told her I was going to be ok. It was going to be ok. I still couldn’t see anything.
The next thing I remember was moving. Jon was in the driver’s seat next to me. Someone was behind me holding something down firmly on my head.
It is fascinating how the brain works in moments of trauma. How was I thinking so clearly?
I asked if an ambulance was called and was told yes. It occurred to me, we drove way out into these trails. We were at least 30 minutes from anything. I asked who was behind me. Dresdan. It crossed my mind: the firmer whatever is on my head is being pressed down, the more likely I am to survive. I asked Dresdan to push down harder. He did, and it hurt. I asked him to push down less hard. I put my hand up and held it myself and asked Dresdan to support on top of my hand. I felt him start checking my neck and spine with his other hand. I put my right, gloved hand out the window and started flexing my fingers. I was tapping my legs repeatedly. I was acutely aware of the importance of staying awake.
I was staring through the windshield and thought I saw a crack. I stared harder and realized there was no crack, my vision was getting blurry. I was so tired. I told Jon and Dresdan that my vision was getting blurry and I was very tired. I told Dresdan to talk to me. He said something to me, and I can’t remember what it was. It wasn’t a conversation starter. I put my hand on Jon’s leg and squeezed. He put his hand on mine and held it. I asked Dresdan about the book I’d given him to read. He told me it was good and that I’d really like the one he gave me for Christmas. I talked about the book he had just read briefly, then got quiet. I was awake enough.
I asked Dresdan to give me a blessing. It was too loud. He would have to yell it. The talking I’d already done had made my head throb. I asked him to quietly give me a priesthood blessing.
I’ve always wondered how I would react at the prospect of death. It’s easy to say you don’t fear dying but what about when you actually might die?
I’ve always hoped there would be no fear, just faith.
On a destroyed ATV, soaked in my own blood, I learned the answer. I wasn’t afraid to die. While I wasn’t afraid to die something kept coming to my mind on repeat. My daughter is 6 weeks old. I want to see her again. Beth was driving, she can’t live with this guilt. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I need to see her again. I love Beth so much and can’t have her live with this pain. I want to see my daughter again. I love my wife.
Beth’s cries in that moment of blackness were in my mind. I could hear her grief. Could she live with this? I might die. Probably not. I was conscious. I was awake. Dresdan was keeping pressure on the wound. I would be fine.
But what if I wasn’t?
In that moment I confirmed what I’d always known. The two most important things in this world are God and family. In that moment I prayed relentlessly. I believe the blessing and my prayers kept me awake. What else mattered in that moment but God and my family?
Nothing.
I wanted to see my mom again, I wanted to see my dad again, I wanted to see my brothers and sisters. More than anything I wanted to see Ivy again. It hit me, maybe I wouldn’t. I realized, just in case, I should say something that needed to be said. I told Jon he had to tell Beth that I was ok, and it wasn’t her fault. It was an accident.
We came to a crossroads in the trail. I remembered where we had come from and told Jon. Adie and Jared drove up in the two-seater and told Jon to follow them to the main road.
We got out to a main street and started driving. We came to an intersection and there was the ambulance. We pulled into a dirt lot. I was surrounded by people I didn’t know. I was asked a lot of questions. They cut my clothes off of me and told me not to move my neck if I could help it. I was able to get my seatbelt off. They asked if I could get to the stretcher. I said I could with some help. I took the couple steps to the stretcher and they buckled me in. As I was taken to the ambulance, I saw Beth. Her eye was extremely swollen. She said she was ok. I was put into the ambulance.
This is where our story started. The EMT told me I might die.
Oh.
Ok.
It was real then.
Still no fear. Maybe that’s natural. Maybe the panic and shock takes precedence. I don’t know, I’ve only almost died this one time. The main EMT was a young blond guy. I asked him, “Are you a member of the church, you know, we’re in Utah right?”
He told me he wasn’t, he was raised in the church but had distanced himself from it. We had a conversation about the comfort I felt having that hope. He told me that hope was a powerful thing. He told me that hope told me that even if I died today, I would see my daughter again. He told me the other EMT in the ambulance was a member of the church.
I was told we had to wait for a helicopter. The drive was too long. I might die on the way. We had to wait. I was tapping my toes repeatedly. I was doing it to stay awake. I asked the EMT, Aidan, if it was ok. He said it was a panic response, my anxiety was high. He said it was natural, but if I could take some deep breaths and calm my body, that would help.
I haven’t been meditating all this time for nothing.
I took a few deep breaths and felt my body relax. He said my vitals (I don’t know, blood pressure?) improved and I was looking good.
They asked if I wanted my clothes that they’d cut off thrown out. I told them my garment top was there and it needed to be disposed of properly. Every person I saw from then on got the message that my garment top was present, and it was important it went with me.
The helicopter arrived and I was airlifted to the hospital. I asked the man sitting with me in the helicopter if he was a member of the church. He said he was just Christian. I told him we were part of the same family. He said he loves to discuss the differences. Oh, if I could have gotten his phone number.
In the ambulance they gave me pain medicine. What a difference that made. I was also told it was ok to sleep. I don’t know if I slept, I’m sure I at least dozed off.
At one point the man nudged me and told me we were going over Zion. I turned my head best I could and looked out. My first helicopter ride could have been better. Wasn’t the worst, though.
I arrived at the hospital and was wheeled in.
I can’t emphasize enough how kind every person was to me.
From Aidan, the first person I saw at the ambulance, to the helicopter, to the hospital. Every person treated me with love.
The next bit is a blur, so much happened.
I was given more pain medicine, my skull was numbed, they tried as best they could to clean out the wound in my head and arm, I did x-rays and a CT scan.
At one point a nurse told me something I did not want to hear. She tried to see if I wanted to hear it and I misunderstood and got much more information than I wanted. She could see my skull. Cool.
Eventually they determined I didn’t need surgery. Everything was good. They could staple me up.
The doctor counted 51 staples in my head, I counted 52. He said it wasn’t often they had to use a whole stapler. I was released the same day.
Sounds like it wasn’t that bad, right? You should see me now. My head has been leaking for three straight days and my shoulder is pretty morbid. I’ll put some pictures at the bottom for the sickos in the audience.
It all ended up being fine. I lived. I’m fine.
I should have died. If a couple things didn’t happen I wouldn’t have survived.
The parts that you (and I) missed. Apparently when the ATV flipped, my brother who was sitting back and to the left of me saw my body. He thought I was literally drowning in a pool of my blood.
The other two ATVs had stopped. They said something about knowing that was a slippery turn and wanting to wait. If the other two ATVs had gone on, I’m almost sure I would have died. Them stopping was the difference between me bleeding out in a tipped over ATV and living.
I firmly believe that I am protected by angels. Not just that day, but every day. I tell Beth often that God won’t take me a minute sooner than is my time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that angels resided with me that day. I know the others were prompted by the spirit to stay. They were feet away when we flipped.
It is difficult to get a group of 8 people to do anything in a quick and organized fashion. Set aside the panic and fear that might have set in. I’ve never been more proud of my family than when I heard the steps they took to save my life.
My brother-in-law Jared heard me yelling and thought I was crushed. Every male in the group, my dad, Jon, Garrick, Dresdan, Jared and Easton immediately grabbed the ATV and flipped it over. Jon got in to drive. Dresdan got in behind me to keep pressure on my head. I learned later that Easton was in my ATV also.
Adie and Jared jumped in the two person ATV and drove off to get cell reception to call an ambulance.
The others got in the other ATV. Initially they were going to drive ahead also. Someone realized, since the other ATV had flipped, it might have an issue driving. They drove behind us the whole way in case the ATV I was still seat-belted into broke down.
Can you believe that? In minutes, every person in my family did exactly what was necessary. Without a moment’s hesitation they saved me.
The doctors at the hospital told me they couldn’t believe I still had my right arm. They told me they’d seen a ton of these accidents and almost every time the person’s arm is destroyed or gone. They said if I’d reached out my arm would be gone. I think the airhead I was eating might have played a part in saving my arm.
God and family.
It’s weird to look back on nearly dying.
I’m amazed at the peace I could feel in what should have been a terrifying moment. I knew if I was meant to die, I would. The only thing that mattered to me was that my wife knew I loved her and it absolutely, positively, was not her fault.
Leaving Ivy would have hurt. It would have hurt. It would have hurt. It would have hurt. But I know that she would have been so loved.
I know what’s important in this life. I’m grateful for trials and scary moments to reaffirm what I know.
God and family.
To all those that have prayed for me, thank you.
To the Hollerbach’s, thank you for sending us food the night we drove back from Utah.
Beth has been off the charts amazing since the accident. She is currently caring for a newborn and someone with a traumatic head injury. She drove us back from Utah, 7 hours, the very next day. I just wanted to get home.
Ivy slept the entire way. We had to wake her for the two stops to feed her. She would get back in her car seat and zonk out. God has blessed me with so much.
I feel it necessary, because Ivy will read this one day, to say something to her.
To my sweet girl when you were born my world stopped revolving around the sun. When I thought I might die, you were my first thought. I hope you never doubt how much I love you. You and your mom are the most important things in the world to me. Never doubt it. Because I did come close the other day. I know what’s important. I love you, Ivy. I love my family and I can’t say enough how grateful I am for them.
God and family.
The pictures below are kind of gross. View them at your own risk. I’ll keep the pictures I wish I never saw private.
If you haven’t watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix, watch it as soon as possible. Could end up being the most important documentary of our generation. Given that we are the generation of documentaries, that would make it the most important documentary ever.
Why is this documentary important? Because it’s real and it’s happening now.
What will be the downfall of America? Have we given Civil War enough consideration?
Let’s do a quick thought experiment. What happens if Donald Trump wins the election this November? There will be 165 million mad people. Mad enough, maybe, to protest, riot, and maybe fight.
What happens if Joe Biden wins the election in November? There will be 165 million mad people. Mad enough, maybe, to protest, riot, and maybe fight.
Of course, 165 million people is an exaggeration because not everybody is this passionate, or angry, or inflamed about the upcoming election.
Let’s call the number 30 million on each side. Sound much better?
Why is this happening? Why are people always so angry?
There is an increasing gap between what we would deem the “center.” Center of anything. Not overly passionate about one side or the other. I’m not just talking about politics. I’m talking about anything. The middle is gone. The “hear the other side,” “hear them out,” “hear their opinions,” are disappearing. We’re turning into a world of people who think we know everything while not knowing anything.
So much from The Social Dilemma gave me an intense feeling of anxiety. One statistic mentioned was that a study showed lies are spread on the internet/social media 6 times more quickly than truths. What happens if a lie always has a 6x head start on the truth? What happens is what we’re seeing happen. Contention. Hatred. Vitriol. Anger. Confusion. Aggression. Fighting.
This brings me to the most important point.
What is truth?
Can we even know what truth is?
Truth is a concept society is starting to wonder exists. How do we find something our society is starting to believe is a myth?
This is where I turn off all my non-religious friends, but I would ask my non-religious friends: What is your truth? What do you turn to when everything around you is chaos, and confusion, and darkness?
I don’t say this to spread the divide more. I say this to invite others to find truth and make that truth love-based at all costs.
I love God because He loved me first.
What is truth?
God is truth.
He’s my truth. Maybe He isn’t yours. But you must find a truth to hold to dearly. This truth must be centered on love. We’ve seen what hate-filled “truth” results in.
How do we survive in an age of disinformation?
What do we do to protect ourselves?
I think first we follow all the suggestions given during the credits of The Social Dilemma documentary. I will list those here and then add my own suggestions.
Uninstall apps from your phone that waste your time.
Hint: most of them.
Turn off notifications. Especially for anything that vibrates your leg that doesn’t provide an immediate and important alert you need to see at that moment.
Never watch a video recommended to you anywhere: Facebook, Youtube, etc. If it’s not something you went there to search for and to watch, just don’t watch it.
Wayyyyy easier said than done (but let’s all try!)
Use a Chrome extension to remove recommendations. Below are some options.
I used this second one. Pretty amazing going to Youtube and not being bombarded by videos AI knows I want to watch. Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel!
Before you share anything online, fact check, consider the source, do the extra research (make sure it is GOOD).
If it looks like it’s designed to push your emotional buttons, it probably is. Don’t share it.
You vote with your clicks. If you click on clickbate you’re perpetuating the problem. Reward GOOD material.
Get different kinds of information.
If you are on Twitter, add people who have different opinions from you.
Talk to people in the real world about real issues.
When you find enough people in the real world to talk to, delete your Twitter.
Delete the social media accounts you really don’t need, that you don’t feel are healthy, that are taking you away from life. Delete it and embrace the freedom!
Get out of the system.
The World is beautiful. Live.
For Families:
Don’t give devices to your children. Don’t allow them on social media. Just don’t.
Minimal screen time.
Set a limit and stick to it. It was suggested to ask your child what they think is a good amount of time to spend looking at a screen each day. Your child will often give a reasonable response.
Create that limit and then give rewards for going under it. Set a 7 hour per week limit for screen time and your child spent 6 hours? 1-hour reward is a bowling trip or mini golf outing. I used to love incentives like these as a kid. I hope kids still do.
No devices in the bedroom a set amount of time before bedtime. This will also help with sleep because you’re removing blue light which signals to your brain that it’s time to wind down.
Here’s a suggestion – read a book instead of your phone!
Treat Social Media how Latter-day Saints treat dating – not before 16.
Here are my suggestions. If you can- delete it all. Just do it. I can almost promise you’ll feel better within a couple weeks, after the withdrawals stop.
Me personally, I have a Facebook. I use it so I can share my blog. It’s good to have. I see the use. I’m working on limiting my scrolling down my timeline to zero and especially not watching suggested videos in my feed. Suggested videos inevitably lead me to watching video after video of garbage material.
Another thing that has helped me a ton has been moving the Facebook app from my main page. I have it on page two. That way I’m not constantly slapped in the face by that addictive, dopamine-igniting red alert symbol. I have my Gospel Library on my home screen and if I find myself instinctively (or robotically) looking at my phone I do my best to open the scriptures and read those instead.
I understand all these things are easier said than done. It’s not easy to delete social media. It’s not easy, I get it. I’m right there with you. Technology is so good. It can be used for so much good. Why don’t we start using it for good again?
That brings me to my last point.
My final and most important point. What can we do to make a difference: Share GOOD stuff.
Emphasis on GOOD MATERIAL.
By good material I don’t mean you like it, or it tickled your fancy. I mean it is GOOD. It is wholesome. It is kind. It doesn’t make you explosively emotional but makes you feel gentle in your emotions. I mean good as in the good guided by the spirit. I mean good as in loving. I mean good as in spreading positivity.
I’m guilty like everyone else. I see a post from the Church, and I scroll right through. The AI (artificial intelligence) involved sees that (how scary is that?!). They know I scrolled quickly past something GOOD. We each need to make a conscious effort to spend time on the good stuff. Read the good stuff. Watch the good stuff. If you don’t have good stuff on your Facebook timeline, use AI for good! Go to google and search for Jesus Christ, the scriptures, conference talks, missionary messages. You know how when you search for that cute new jacket for winter and there are suddenly cute winter jackets on your timeline? Works the same way for good stuff. Search for good stuff. You’ll see more good stuff. Spend more time with the good stuff.
This is how we can combat and fight the echo chamber of hatred. This is how we remove political polarization. This is how we remove lies.
In the steps above I mentioned fact-checking what you share. How about this? Spiritually check what you share. Stop. Say a prayer. Ask yourself if what you’re sharing is spreading goodness, positivity, or love. If not, it can be deleted.
I often pray before I write, and I often pray before I share what I write. I always hope what I write is guided by something bigger and better than me.
Spiritually check everything you do online. Is this making me a better person? No. Get it out of here. Could this make someone’s day, bring a smile, alter someone for the better – SHARE IT.
This is what we can do. This is how we can make a difference.
I don’t ever say like and share on my blog posts because it’s become such a stupid thing to say. But we need to say it for the things that deserve it. Maybe we should change it to “LIKE AND SHARE GOODNESS.”
So, if you think this was worth reading, did something positive for you, or helped you in any way, please share it.
We can all do our part by sharing goodness.
You can join the discussion and learn more about the Social Dilemma documentary at TheSocialDilemma.com
I think this is important and I think it should be something we all start thinking about. Let’s start thinking about it. Let’s start doing our part.
No Coincidences 