A friend of mine wrote a book called Embrace Fatherhood. There is a part in the book where a father has lost the ability to see his new daughter due to a custody battle. Upon finding out he will get to spend a weekend with his daughter he says, “This daddy daughter thing, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It took Brooklyn being born for me to love something far greater than myself.”
I love Beth so much, but I relate to this statement. I think it took Ivy being born for me to understand what unconditional, unbounded, uncontrollable love is. We like to think we love others more than ourselves, but do we? I think I do love Ivy more than myself. I think this is parenthood. I would do anything for her. As a part of that, I love Beth all the more for giving me this priceless gift.
This book is written from the perspective of dads in various forms of relationship disputes, dads that don’t get to see their kids.
I know this is a complicated issue, and I know there are a million different circumstances that make this very difficult. What I will say that I hope we can all agree on: good fathers that want to be in their children’s lives, that for whatever reason aren’t able to, is a great tragedy. I can’t imagine being kept away from Ivy. It would break my heart. It would be like losing a part of me.
Beth and Ivy are in Utah for a week as I write this. Don’t get me wrong, a little bit of free time and the ability to nap and relax like I used to in the old days has been really nice. At the end of the night, though, all I can think about is Ivy and Beth. I miss them so much. I miss that greatest moment every morning. I’m grateful for a picture Beth put up on my bedside table before the trip. I can’t imagine this separation from my baby being a regular occurrence.
I know this situation exists for many dads and it hurts me to think about.
Relationship disputes happen. We are human. I think it is a tragedy of our society that romantic relationships would ever come before or between the most sacred relationship in the world (alongside marriage), the relationship of a parent and their child.
Again, a complicated issue. Having not lived through it myself, I can’t say too much. But I love Ivy. I can’t imagine living without her. There are tons of dads out there right now excited that they will get a weekend to see their child. The disintegration of the family unit is devastating.
I am grateful for Beth, who I love so much. I am grateful for what Beth has given me, the greatest gift in the entire world, Ivy who I love beyond all understanding. I am sorry for any dad that has this gift taken from him.
I love Ivy and I love Beth and I don’t know what I would do without them.
There’s a serious question/joke every new parent has heard at least 100 times. Are you getting any sleep?
Why are we asked this question?
Because it’s a REAL concern.
Ivy trying to eat my hand when she should be sleeping
So, for all those wondering, how has our sleep been? I wrote about the First 48 Hours. How have the first five months gone? In a blur would be one way to answer.
I could go on for a while about sleep training and how much work and effort Beth has put in. This isn’t a mommy blog so I won’t go into all the detail. I will say Beth has done an awesome job helping Ivy to sleep. She usually puts her down between 7pm-8pm. Ivy will sleep until 6:30am-7:00am with at least one wake-up in the middle of the night. Some of these wakeups just take putting the pacifier back in her mouth. Sometimes it’s an hour feeding her a bottle and helping her back to sleep.
Physically restraining a stubborn baby
Before I provide my spiritual thought on this, I will stress two points:
Ivy is pretty good overall with her sleeping. We are blessed. Beth reminds me of this. While I have no frame of reference, Beth is in touch with all the mommy’s of the world and knows that babies don’t always sleep the way Ivy does.
Beth does the heavy lifting most nights as I work in the morning.
As I proceed with my thoughts on getting sleep with a newborn, please refer back to points 1 and 2 often. Every time you’re thinking, “well Beth is doing all the work, of course you (enter your feelings about my thoughts)…” or “of course it’s not that bad, not all babies sleep like yours has!” Please refer back to those points. I am aware of how blessed we’ve been in point one, and I’ve been in point two.
That said. My thoughts.
It hasn’t been that bad. There. I said it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s HARD. I’ll say this, I think lack of sleep isn’t as bad as interrupted sleep. There’s something about having to get up every 2 hours in the middle of the night, even if it’s quick and you can go back to sleep. That’s what made the first couple months so difficult.
I recently heard another father describe the newborn sleeping phase as something like advanced sleep deprivation training for the military. As he said that, I thought, “huh, I don’t think it was THAT bad” (see point 1!).
Leading up to Ivy’s birth, I made some big changes to everyday habits of mine. For one, I’ve cut out sugary drinks completely. For those who know me, that included Hawaiian Punch or soda with lunch and dinner. That’s A LOT of sugar. I cut out the juice and soda about 18 months ago.
Leading up to Ivy’s birth I read a book that led to two other changes. I started doing a breathing exercise once or twice a day. According to this book it’s the single most important thing anyone could do to immediately improve their health. The other thing this book prompted me to start doing was change my breakfast habits. I’ve always had breakfast every day no matter what. My breakfast every morning is usually cereal and milk. My cereal is most often not of the healthy variety. Berry Colossal Crunch (Cap’n Crunch knockoff) and Cinnamon Toasters (Cinnamon Toast Crunch knockoff) are still in my kitchen from our last order before I changed this habit. Instead of artificial sugar for breakfast, I’ve transitioned to fruit every morning. Usually grapefruit and blueberries, apples, oranges, or bananas.
For those keeping score, I’ve cut out Hawaiin Punch, soda, and cereal in the form of straight sugar.
For those of you wondering if I still eat candy. Emphatic YES. Maybe one day this can be cut down in my life. We’re not there yet.
As I pondered on the past 5 months, and the difficulty, something occurred to me. Like I said above, I don’t think it’s been that bad. Difficult, not debilitating. As I thought about this, I thought about a scripture.
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
I think this is the most I’ve ever related to this scripture. I’ve always wondered what it would feel like for burdens to be made light. The lack of sleep should be killing me. I have to be on-call every few weeks for work. A call at 3 in the morning that would take 2 minutes used to infuriate me. It would ruin my night and the whole next day. Now a 3am-4am feeding session is a pretty regular occurrence.
What explains that I haven’t gone into a fit of rage? For one, I love Ivy passionately. That helps. But I can’t help but feel like my burdens have been made light. Heavenly Father knows my prayers have picked up, needing this assistance.
I’ve wondered how the change in my eating habits has helped my energy. Does God miraculously give us more energy and uplift us? He can, of course. I believe more often He would like to help us by allowing us to help ourselves. I believe these new habits were inspired and I was guided to them. I believe it has lightened my burdens, and God continues to lighten my burdens.
I’m still working on the cheerfully and patient parts. That I could always improve on. But I am grateful for God and His help these first few months. I’ve felt His presence and assistance every day.
In the end, all the lack of sleep in the world is worth that smile.
The greatest moment of my life happens every morning. By that I mean, almost every day I have a new moment that is the new best moment of my entire life. It’s awesome.
I start work early every morning. I’m already up and working (hopefully) when Ivy starts to wake up. Beth has the monitor by the bed, so I can hear when Ivy starts to stir.
When I see Ivy in the morning, her face is the most pure form of joy I’ve ever seen. In turn, that brings me the most joy I’ve ever experienced. Seeing her light up and grin ear to ear and be SO happy, it’s indescribable.
I can imagine her thinking, “Oh, you’re still here! This is amazing! You’re still my dad! I’m so glad to see you!”
That’s what her smile says to me.
This parenting thing is super hard. It’s beyond exhausting (more to come on that in the next post). There’s a lot of stress and pressure. The life of a tiny human is in our hands, after all.
But that moment where Ivy smiles at me in the morning, makes this, without question, the best experience of life.
I recently had the special opportunity to bless Ivy. Leading up to the blessing, I did some research on the history of blessing children in the Church of Jesus Christ and its significance. For Ivy’s blessing, Beth put together an event and a description of what a baby blessing is. Here is that description:
What is a baby blessing?
In summary, the naming and blessing of children is a commandment of God. It is proper for a worthy father to name and bless his children. Blessing of children was done during the time of Christ, and it occurred in the early years of the restored Church. The ordinance has become a regular practice followed by Church members ever since.
Who has the authority to bless a baby?
A worthy priesthood holder under the direction of the local bishop. It is usually the father or a close family member.
What is the priesthood?
The word priesthood has two meanings. First, priesthood is the power and authority of God. It has always existed and will continue to exist without end. Through the priesthood, God created and governs the heavens and the earth. Through this power, He exalts His obedient children, bringing to pass “the immortality and eternal life of man.”
Second, in mortality, priesthood is the power and authority that God gives to man to act in all things necessary for the salvation of God’s children. The blessings of the priesthood are available to all who receive the gospel.
What is the format of a baby blessing?
When blessing a baby, priesthood holders gather in a circle and place their hands under the baby. When blessing an older child, brethren place their hands lightly on the child’s head. The person who gives the blessing:
1. Addresses Heavenly Father.
2. States that the blessing is performed by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood.
3. Gives the child a name.
4. Gives words of blessing as the Spirit directs.
5. Closes in the name of Jesus Christ.
Ivy and Aunt Cambria
Reading up on the baby blessing beforehand taught me some interesting things about this sacred practice that I would like to share.
Unique to giving a blessing to an older child or adult, the naming and blessing of a child is directed to Heavenly Father like prayers are.
This could be because the baby is too young to understand the words directed to him or her.
It appears that Melchizedek Priesthood holders are authorized to more than ask for a blessing but are able to pronounce a blessing upon the child directly, as the spirit directs.
Sometimes inspiration (or confidence) to pronounce/give a blessing does not come. In this case it is of course acceptable to ask Heavenly Father for these blessings. I believe this is how I felt in giving Ivy her blessing. It was enough to ask Heavenly Father to bless her with my requests.
It is important to remember the naming and blessing of children is not a saving ordinance. It is still an important and sacred moment seen in heaven.
“It is an awesome responsibility to be a priesthood agent of the Lord, to act in his behalf, and to approximate in one’s words and doings what the Lord would do if he were here. A father, especially, who is to bless his child, has the delight and responsibility to prepare himself beforehand by pondering and by fasting and prayer, that he may be sensitive to the suggestions of the Spirit when giving the blessing.”
“How blessed we are to be able to present our little ones before the Lord, our families and the Church, and then consecrate them to the Lord. How blessed we are to be able to name them, plead over, pray for, and, yes, to bless them directly and personally in harmony with our finest desires for them, by the authorization and wisdom of heaven.”
An interesting account from Joseph Smith on March 13, 1843 says, “Twenty-seven children were blessed, nineteen of whom I blessed myself, with great fervency. Virtue went out of me, and my strength left me…”
“[The next day] Elder Jedediah M. Grant enquired of me the cause of my turning pale and losing strength last night while blessing children. I told him that I saw that Lucifer would exert his influence to destroy the children that I was blessing, and I strove with all the faith and spirit that I had to seal upon them a blessing that would secure their lives upon the earth; and so much virtue went out of me into the children, that I became weak, from which I have not yet recovered; and I referred to the case of the woman touching the hem of the garment of Jesus. (Luke 8).” (History of the Church, 5:303.)
Elder John Taylor said the Savior’s example of blessing children “should be studiously complied with without hesitancy or objection” (by priesthood holders).
We see that Joseph Smith followed the example of the Savior who blessed children in both Israel and the American continent. (Mark 10:14-16 and 3 Nephi 17). What an amazing and marvelous thought: our virtue can be passed to our children. Our blessings are a force Satan must reckon with. It makes me want to bless my daughter daily. It also adds insight to a scripture that has always been a bit puzzling in Luke 8:46. Virtue can literally leave us to help others.
The new name:
A new name is often involved when a covenant relationship is formed.
When Adam and Eve were given dominion over the earth, Adam named all the animals (Genesis 2:19-20).
When we get baptized we follow a similar pattern, taking upon us a new name, the name of Christ.
Temple covenants also involve the giving and receiving of names.
The responsibility of blessing a child is bestowed, ideally, on he who helped create that child’s body, and who Heavenly Father entrusted His child with in mortality.
Joseph F. Smith – “The patriarchal order is of divine origin and will continue throughout time and eternity. There is, then, a particular reason why men, women, and children should understand this order and authority in the households of the people of God and seek to make it what God intended it to be, a qualification and preparation for the highest exaltation of his children. In the home, the presiding authority is always vested in the father, and in all home affairs and family matters there is no other authority paramount…This authority carries with it a responsibility, and a grave one, as well as its rights and privileges, and men cannot be too exemplary in their lives, nor fit themselves too carefully to live in harmony with this important and God-ordained rule of conduct in the family organization.”
It is my experience that giving blessings is often the closest I ever feel to Heavenly Father. I can feel him speaking through me and it is always a powerful, emotional, and memorable experience. The opportunity to bless my daughter will be one of the greatest moments of my life. I have immense gratitude to my Heavenly Father for entrusting Ivy into my care, allowing me to name her, and trusting me to watch over and protect her in this life and through eternity.
The first 48 hours, it turns out, is not just a homicide drama on television or the most important time after a homicide, it’s also an important time after the birth of a newborn.
The first 24 hours in the hospital went amazing. There’s no better word than amazing. Ivy slept the whole time. Beth would have to wake her to eat. She would eat and immediately go back to sleep. We were warned of the calm before the storm.
Nurses would come in and do this test or that. She cried once when I was holding her for like 5 seconds. She didn’t cry at all during her first bath. She looked like she was enjoying a spa day.
When another nurse pricked her foot for blood I asked if babies usually cried during that. She said, “well, I gave her sugar water.” I don’t know what that means but maybe we should be keeping sugar water on hand. What I do know is there was no crying while at the hospital after her initial couple hours coming into the world.
We brought her home around 4:30pm 12/5/20. Becky (mother-in-law) and Jane (new aunt) were at the condo. Apparently Bengie was disturbed by how we left the previous morning. He had been acting strange while we were away and licked us even crazier than usual when we got home. He didn’t seem to notice the new addition. Yet.
Becky made dinner. Jane held Ivy. Keith (father-in law) came over after his shift at the hospital. Everyone expressed joy at a newborn.
The first night was interesting. While I think she was still pretty well behaved, it’s crazy how small interruptions to sleep can be completely disorienting.
We went to sleep around midnight. Mistake number one. I’ve been told this by many people, but I think I’ll have to learn firsthand. Really – take sleep whenever it’s available. Ivy and I were watching ASU football until 11:30pm. Beth fed her and put her down to sleep around that time.
At 2:00am Ivy started crying. I’ll do my best to replay the events of the night, but Beth and I had great difficulty piecing events together in the morning.
I believe Beth tried to feed her, but she wasn’t really eating. Cluster-feeding? I don’t know.
*Beth update when reading this – she did feed her before I woke up at 2:00am, we think?
Things that happened, order unknown:
Beth made a bottle. Beth passed a blood clot. She was upset and scared and talked to her mom. Determined it was ok unless other symptoms/things happened. Beth was upset and having a hard time. I swapped spots with her and laid by Ivy’s bed, which for the first couple months (I think?) will be lying next to our bed. I fed Ivy half of the bottle Beth prepared.
Ivy was somewhat fussy and always on the verge of crying. Between 2am and 4am I realized she had a very messy diaper. Explained the fussy. I changed Ivy in the other room and laid her back down in her bed. She was much better. I’m not sure if Beth was completely sleeping during this time. I think she was kind of in and out of it. She was exhausted.
I laid with my hand on Ivy or helping to keep her pacifier in which seemed to settle her down. I think I slept around 4am. Again, not sure how things transpired, but at some point I woke up because Ivy was fussing. Looked like she was hungry. I talked to Beth around 5am (maybe?) about Ivy being hungry. I think at some point Beth turned the hot air on in the room. It had gotten cold in the room. I could have sworn I passed Ivy to Beth around 5am to feed but in the morning neither of us could recall if that actually happened. Funny, but being serious.
At some point I was really hot, and Ivy was fine. She was sleeping like a, you guessed it, baby. Really, she was sleeping well. Interesting we use that phrase to indicate deep sleep when in reality sleeping like a baby is more like up every 90 minutes wanting some attention. The living room was cooler, so I curled up on the couch and slept there. Again, at some point (8am?) I woke up to the loud carbon monoxide alarm. It beeped loud, 3 times. I saw Beth coming from the kitchen. I couldn’t fathom why she would make 3 loud beeps happen. She seemed in a haze. She ignored the loud beeping. That confused me more. I learned Bengie was sleeping on my legs. His number one fear is loud beeps. He jumped and ran to the bedroom, under the bed, tried to jump on the bed but Ivy’s bassinette was in the way. He ran back and jumped on me. He repeated this 3 times. I held and pet him and he was shaking like crazy. When I stopped petting, he ran to the bedroom, found his way onto the bed, and burrowed into the blankets.
The new addition was proving to be a major interruption to his routine, peace, and quiet.
**Beth addition number two – “you must have been in a haze too, when the beep went off, I yelled ‘oh –.’” (followed by a bad word).
I am not denying any sort of hazy phase. I was a cloud of confusion.
I guess the morning had started.
Ivy was peaceful as could be, as far as I could tell. She’s been an angel ever since. While writing this she was curled up on my legs/lap in front of me. Already learning to multi-task. Her pacifier just fell out. She likes her pacifier.
I still got to meditate that first day. That was big.
Becky came by and made some food. I decided to fast in gratitude to Heavenly Father for all this.
Beth proofread this and told me to insert “I was a Rockstar” talking about myself. That’s a bit much. Beth’s done all the hard work and is completely exhausted. I’ve gotten to sleep next to Ivy and take care of the most important person in the world. And she’s so cute. And when I sleep, I get to put my hand on her and be with her.
Good deal. I’ll take it.
Ivy may be the “Coo Monster.” She’s constantly coo-ing. It’s heart-melting. The cutest little hums and noises. I love her very much. It’s amazing how much I like caring for her. It’s crazy how exhausted I can be already and yet how happy.
Ivy went on a short walk in her stroller today.
She loves her swing.
She loves if I gently tickle her head or face with my fingers. Her eyes will instantly flutter closed.
No Coincidences 