No Coincidences

Tag: motherhood

  • Responsibility to Love

    Responsibility to Love

    I’ve written on this topic before. What to do With All the Love. Love Has Afforded Me Much. A slightly new thought came to me on this topic.

    There is a great responsibility for firstborns to love.

    Think about it.

    I was thinking about Sage. For her whole existence up to a point she will have shared, to some extent, the love and affection she receives with Ivy. Does this mean Sage is loved any less? No, absolutely not. She is endlessly loved.

    That said, she has shared her love with Ivy.

    It made me think, yet again, of all the singular love poured out on Ivy in her first 21 months.

    It made me reflect on the love I received in the 45 months before Adie joined our family.

    How did that shape me?

    Given the measure of love and affection I received from two loving parents, singularly focused attention and love for 45 months, does that increase my responsibility to love?

    Given this theory, I think firstborns have a higher responsibility to love. With great power comes great responsibility. There is no greater power in the world than love.

    Maybe this is why the firstborn gets the birthright (wink face).

    Thos of us who have experienced love, been given love, have felt love, it’s important for us to share that. There are so many in the world that don’t grow up in a loving household. If you’re reading this and you did grow up in a loving household, you’ve been given an advantage in life worth more than a huge inheritance. You’ve been given a huge leg up in this life if you were born into a loving home.

    Share it.

    Don’t waste the gift you’ve been given.

    Now, here’s some food for thought to counter my “firstborn love theory” (Trademark pending) –

    Other ideas to consider, did my love actually expand with the arrival of Adie (my little sister) because I had experienced love and now I got to share it with my little sister? Did my first learning experience of giving love outside of my parents who already loved me so much grow my capacity to love even more? Did getting to love somebody who couldn’t do anything for me help my capacity to love, learning at a young age to love somebody without getting anything in return? Does that add to my responsibility as the firstborn?

    Or is Adie’s capacity to love greater than mine because she was born into loving a 3 person family, unlike myself? Does that make Easton’s (youngest of 6) capacity to love 3x mine since he was born into a family 3 times bigger than the one I was born into? How does this balance with my personal capacity to love expanding every time a new baby joined our family?

    Love.

    We need to think about it more.

    Which leads to the ultimate, and powerful question: is love in limited supply?

    We all have an infinite capacity to love. I don’t believe there is any limit on how we can love. I think God is our example in this. Think about how much He loves you. Whether you come from a loving household or not, whether you’re the firstborn of 10, an only child, an orphan, the youngest of 2, and all examples in between, you have a divine capacity to love. Divine. Your Father is God. He loves you. Your capacity to love is infinite. Use it. Share it.

    Epilogue

    The above post was written in May of 2023. I kid you not, as I opened it to review and post in 2026, Beth sent me a video with a text attached.

    The text read: “Wren kept asking, “Where Ivy?” Then Ivy came down and Wren waved and said, “Good morning Ivy!” And gave her a hug. But Ivy was still waking up a bit so when she sat down to eat, Wren came over, gave her another gentle hug, and started gently rubbing Ivy’s back. It’s like Wren is teaching them how to love.”

    I replied, “Reminding them.”

    And Beth said, “Blog post!”

    She knows me too well. But I didn’t realize I was about to post this!

    We’ve been struggling a little with Ivy and Sage being gentle and loving with Wren as they get older. They are the older sisters, a lot more rambunctious and a lot more physical. Sometimes Wren messes up their “set ups” (toys they’ve setup). Wren wants to be with them and play with them but she’s very destructive. They struggle sharing with Wren. Wren is still little. So they’ve had a hard time.

    But I know that Ivy was sent here to be an example as the oldest sister. I know that Sage was sent here to be a peacekeeping, independent, strong second daughter to keep everyone connected. Maybe Wren was sent to remind us all how to love. Maybe she’s meant to teach us to be a little more patient with one another.

    EternalPerspective.

  • Beauty

    Beauty

    What is beauty to a boy?

    As a boy growing up, the idea of beauty evolves so rapidly.

    As a toddler, anything that can be put in your mouth is beautiful.

    As you begin to walk, a ball becomes the epitome of beauty.

    As you get older, you appreciate the beauty of the world around you: mountains, snow, that very climbable tree.

    You start to appreciate animals for their beauty: your dog’s soft fur, the majestic power of horses, the effortless flight of birds.

    And inevitably, as you get older (the timing is different for every one of us), one day a girl catches your eye. It’s a new feeling of appreciation. Have girls always been this…pretty? I actually remember that particular moment in third grade. I still remember her name. I still remember thinking for the first time: this is beauty.

    And you continue to grow.

    Now you’re in fifth grade, you might get your first crush. And it’s all giddy excitement.

    Sixth grade, it’s still fun and interesting—this beauty that girls hold. You’re fascinated by it. For some of us, it becomes all we can think about.

    Now you enter high school. And many start to broaden their thinking. You still appreciate the beauty you did as a kid—in that delicious snow cone, the sound of a basketball bouncing, the unique beauty of a fish dangling on a line, the forests, the sky…

    But all of these things pale when compared to the beauty of the female sex. And you start to believe that they are a species of their own. You long to understand them.

    The world has long tried to shape, mold, and distort your view of what true beauty is. As you go through high school and grow, girls become a central theme.

    And then one day, in high school or after (again, the timing is different for everyone), you see someone — and you realize there is more. Not only is this person beautiful—you can see that immediately—but there’s more. You notice grace, you see confidence (or lack thereof- both are beautiful). You notice demeanor, kindness, a way of speaking. A way of being.

    This is someone you want to be around.

    And if you’re lucky, that person wants to be around you too. And now this person is light, air, and sustenance. Being around them energizes you. You realize: this is beauty.

    And then you get married.

    You notice there are blemishes. They do things that annoy you. They have habits you don’t understand. Somehow, your mind doesn’t reject them. Because, like the distant and jagged edges of a mountain, you know the imperfection of this person adds to their character and to their beauty.

    One day, it all changes again.

    She starts to grow around her belly. Everything the world has tried to convince you isn’t attractive starts to happen. You realize you never knew what beauty was. She literally glows.

    She grows, and she glows.

    And then your world is flipped upside down. Because you see a miracle happen before your eyes. The beauty! After that moment, you can never look at this being you’ve started a life with the same. You will never go back. You realize you have been in the presence of a Goddess—not in the cliché way we use that word nowadays, but an actual being sent with miraculous powers from a place above.

    The life she bore and created grows. And you look at this little life, and you look at the woman who brought it to you, and you try to wrap your mind around this beauty.

    The craziest part is, from this moment on, the woman—your wife—often feels her least “attractive.”

    And you look at her, and you realize there has never been anything more majestic, more miraculous, more beautiful than this person.

    This once girlfriend. This once fiancée. This wife. This mother. This person.

    She thinks the miracle she has borne has subtracted from her beauty, because the world often tells her it has. That she has lost her once great power.

    This couldn’t be farther from the truth. You want to know the truth?

    This person is the most beautiful thing to ever exist.

    This person is beauty.

  • Wren Sonora Quackenbush 1/20/2025

    Wren Sonora Quackenbush 1/20/2025

    It’s interesting considering what you can glean about a soul in the signs they give before their arrival.

    On Monday 1/20/25, someone asked me if I wanted to play basketball that night, I said I probably shouldn’t because Beth wouldn’t appreciate that. He asked when the baby was coming. I said, “Any day now. She’s being stubborn.”

    Maybe because Ivy and Sage both came a week early, maybe because Beth was extremely done with this pregnancy, maybe a combination of factors, but for 14 days leading up to Monday 1/20 we were thinking it would be any day.

    That led to a lot of anticipation. WHY AREN’T WE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL?

    Friday 1/17 Beth and I spent the night on the couch as she was having irregular contractions most of the night. We were ready at any moment to pack up and leave.

    Flash forward to 1/20 and I was at basketball practice when Beth called. She thought it was really happening this time. I told the team and was off, not super optimistic that it was actually happening. Once I arrived at the house, I knew it was happening.

    We quickly gathered our bags and were out the door. Ivy and Sage waved with Grandma and Aunt Jane from the front door. I’ll probably always remember that image. My two girls, my world, not fully realizing how their worlds were about to change – in challenging but amazing ways.

    I’m writing this from the hospital and I’m so excited for them to meet their new sister.

    What Wren lacked in initiative pushing us to the hospital she made up for once we arrived. We got to the hospital around 5:00pm and she was born at 6:05pm.

    Ivy and Sage’s births were fast and felt whirlwind-like. This had a whirlwind feel given the pace, but it really didn’t feel frantic at all. It felt very under control. Of course, who am I to say? Beth would probably say it was a complete whirlwind of chaos.

    When Beth and I were planning to get married our Bishop at the time had a sit down with us. I remember him commenting on how Beth came from a family of five children and I came from a family of six. He made a statement that I’ve remembered ever since. It was something like, “You two will have no problem having children.”

    I’m not sure how he meant it at the time, but with how Ivy, Sage, and now Wren have come, I can’t help but feel like it was a Bishop’s blessing. That’s how I’ve taken it ever since.

    Wren’s coming could not have gone any more smoothly.

    It felt like a blessed and sanctified process.

    It felt guided and protected.

    Again, Beth might not agree, I’m ultimately just a bystander to the process. I think she would agree though. Maybe we should ask her.

    This isn’t to say that difficult pregnancies or deliveries are any less special. On the contrary, challenges sometimes make the blessings more powerful. We all have our own experiences with this miracle. And that’s what each and every birth is: A miracle.

    I am grateful for a strong and capable wife that can do this unimaginable thing. We are blessed that this process has gone well for us three times. I do not take this for granted.

    So Wren arrived with a lot more hair at 6:05pm.

    I’ve described this process before. See Ivy and Sage’s welcome to life posts. I’ll try to put it into words for a third time.

    My heart didn’t split, it expanded. As I looked at Wren, Ivy and Sage flashed before my eyes. I thought about how I loved each of them so powerfully. I can’t remember if I was brought to tears immediately with the other two. Maybe I should go back and read their posts. I wanted to write this before reading Ivy or Sage’s so this could be completely original.

    But as I looked at Wren I had to hold back tears. Not sure why the third hit me so hard. Maybe it was the pace of things. Maybe three is a special number, and when your heart expands that third time, something special happens.

    I don’t know.

    All I know is I love her so much.

    It’s crazy, you know. I can’t believe I’m here, on earth. I can’t believe I’ve been given the power and ability to create life. The greatest gift of all existence, the power to create life, and it’s been entrusted to me. I can’t believe I have three daughters. I can’t believe I have a wife that is so special and such a great mother. I can’t believe I’ll get to be with them forever, for the rest of this life, and beyond. I can’t believe Wren was born into a covenant, ensuring that as long as I do my part she will be mine forever. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I often think about what I did to deserve all this. And I can’t for the life of me figure it out.

    But I’m anxious to say thank you one day.

    So, welcome to this life Wren. It’s hard but rewarding. It’s scary, but if you know why you’re here, there is peace. It is overwhelming, but you’ve been given a family to help with that.

    I love you baby girl and look so forward to seeing how your personality shapes and develops to add to our family. Thank you for coming to join us. We love you so.

  • Be like Little Children

    Be like Little Children

    There is a Neil deGrasse Tyson video that I watched early on in my parenting journey that has helped me ever since. In the video, Tyson points out that when a child makes a mess, or destroys something, or does something seemingly with the only purpose being to drive a parent insane, they’re really just experimenting. Everything around a child is new to them. When a child throws their plate off the table for the tenth time, they’re doing their tenth experiment to see how that plate flies, where it lands, and how the food splatters.

    Children aren’t trying to make a mess. They’re trying to experiment. When you realize this fact you can also realize that being too harsh on a child making a mess sometimes discourages them from experimentation that can help their mind grow.

    It goes without saying that sometimes you need to draw the line: some experiments can be dangerous, and that eleventh plate throw doesn’t necessarily need to happen.

    I couldn’t find the exact Neil deGrasse Tyson video I saw those years ago, but these three videos share similar messages that I believe are extremely beneficial for parents to see, especially new parents.

    1 – The puddle

    2 – The egg and kids as scientists

    3 – Clean house

    “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3).

    I think about this scripture often. There are so many traits of children. Which ones were Jesus Christ primarily referring to?

    Humility.

    Kindness.

    Trust.

    Faith.

    Joy.

    Enthusiasm.

    Curiosity.

    Forgiving.

    Energetic.

    I read this quote recently:

    “Your child is endlessly curious — maybe you’ll learn something, too. Your child is so enthusiastic — maybe some of that energy will rub off on you. Your child is forgiving — no matter what happens today, you can count on a 3-year-old to start tomorrow with a fresh outlook and ready smile. Your child sees the world with wonder.”

    I think that quote sums up what Christ meant when He said we should be like children.

    Curious.

    Enthusiastic.

    Forgiving.

    Fresh outlook.

    Ready smile.

    Wonder.

    In the midst of being a parent – the chaos of day-to-day life – sometimes it’s easy to forget the miracle that children are. I’m glad I have my kids to look at every day and see the wonder, the ready smiles, the fresh outlooks. The forgiveness, the enthusiasm, and the curiosity.

    As I sit here finishing writing this and Sage slowly walks around a coffee table with a little toy motorcycle, and sees me looking at her, and excitedly holds up the motorcycle and says “Look Daddy!” And Ivy, pretending to be Luna Lovegood, brings me, Harry Potter, a new “project” of French fries and dominos on a paper plate, and happily gives it to me, I’m reminded that I need to be a little more childlike today.

    I’ll put this away now so I can go be a child with my girls.

  • The Ten Virgins and Parenting

    The Ten Virgins and Parenting

    Ivy was recently watching a child’s video before church on Sunday.

    In the video, ten children were standing outside waiting for a bus to take them on a field trip. The children were going to a zoo and the ten children each listed what animal they were excited to see.

    In the animated video, 5 of the children were holding lunch sacks. The other 5 children were empty-handed. The 5 children with lunch sacks asked the 5 children without lunch sacks where their lunches were. The 5 children without lunch sacks had been busy playing and hadn’t prepared their lunches.

    The 5 children without lunch sacks said it would be fine. They said they would go make their lunches. But at that moment the bus pulled up.

    You know the story.

    I’m not going to reiterate the parable of the ten virgins here. What I’m going to do is elaborate on what this particular video made me think about with this parable.

    In this video, the children were irresponsible and didn’t prepare for their field trip and therefore would go hungry on their field trip. This is consistent with the traditional ten virgins story.

    What this representation made me think of, as many things do now, is of parenting. I looked at those 5 children without lunch sacks as young children, let’s go with kindergarten. As I watched, it was my opinion that it wasn’t fully those kindergarteners’ responsibility to prepare their lunch. It was likely their parents who didn’t prepare a lunch for them to take to the field trip. As my mind expounded upon this thought, I thought of all the reasons parents might not prepare a lunch for their children. Reasons include not having enough money to pack their child a lunch, not having enough time due to a busy work schedule, not being organized enough to remember to prepare their child a lunch, forgetting because a million other things are going on, or simply not caring enough to pack their child a lunch.

    I felt bad for those 5 children. It wasn’t their fault they didn’t have sack lunches. They were not prepared because their parents didn’t prepare them.

    As a kid who literally went on some field trips without lunch, I could sympathize with these children (love you Mom and Dad).

    You get this isn’t about sack lunches right?

    It is the responsibility of parents to prepare our children for the second coming of Jesus Christ. Just writing that, I realize most people mock the very idea. This is why we go to church. This is why we study scriptures as a family. This is why I read Ivy and Sage Bible and Book of Mormon stories. This is why we pray before every dinner and before bedtime. This is why I take Ivy with me to church meetings and to visit members of the ward.

    I’m grateful I was prepared with a spiritual sack lunch as I was raised. Even if my parents don’t think they prepared my sack lunch with enough sustenance, it was prepared. I was given the preparation, and I hope, despite all the shortcomings I’ll demonstrate in raising my girls, that my girls have a lunch with them on their field trip of life.

    I’d like to briefly go over those reasons parents don’t prepare their children.

    1 – Not having enough money to pack their child a lunch – this represents not having enough resources themselves. The church and those around you will make up the difference. Try.

    2 – Not having enough time due to a busy work schedule – I get being busy, I get it as much as anyone. We must make time for the most important things. We are preparing ourselves and our children to survive in a turbulent world and the world to come. NOTHING is more important.

    3 – Not being organized enough to remember to prepare their child a lunch – this one hits home hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m not organized enough and can’t give my children, my ward members, my family, and everyone around me all I can give. All we can do is try our best. Christ sees our efforts and He sanctifies and then magnifies those efforts.

    4 – Forgetting because a million other things are going on – feigned ignorance will not be an adequate excuse when we stand before the Lord and tell Him we didn’t prepare these tender little ones to know Him because we were too busy and forget. Realign your priorities.

    5 – Not caring enough to pack their child a lunch – this goes with point four above but is absolutely inexcusable.

    We have been given the stewardship of these children. We must rear them in righteousness.

    Jesus Christ is coming. It’s a fact. The world wants to deny it and focus on everything else. But it’s happening, and it’s important we prepare ourselves and our children.

    I am grateful to be a member of Christ’s Church and to have the great honor of raising two chloice spirits to know and worship Him. This is the greatest honor I could have in this life. It is a great honor and a great responsibility. I hope to one day stand before the judgment seat of Jesus Christ and tell Him, “I’m sorry. I know I made many mistakes. But I hope I did my best. Thank you for giving me these daughters that blessed me so. I hope that I made you proud.”