No Coincidences

Tag: Plan of Happiness

Eternal Families, Children, and The Best Part of Me Was Always You

*Originally written 4/19/2022, edited for posting in 2025.

I was having a discussion with my mom a frew years ago about the trend in China of younger people not wanting to have children. We talked about this trend spreading through society. This trend of young people wanting to enjoy travelling, free time, more financial freedom, and therefore, choosing to not start families or have children.

I watched an episode of a show recently. In the show, there is an extremely wealthy and powerful couple. They put off having children. The wife has gotten older and it may be too later for her to have children, but she’s thinking about children. She has a conversation with her husband. In the conversation she says, “Why have we built all this, what is it for?” And he replies, “It’s for us, we built it for ourselves.” She responds, “But if one of us dies…”

She hit on something there. If you only build in this life for yourself, and if at some point you die, what did you really build it for?

Back to that conversation with my mom years ago, we talked about how this is a sad level of selfishness spreading. How much can I travel, how much freedom can I have, how much money can I have for myself, with children being only a burden that take these things away from us. Now, of course, there are those who can’t have children and don’t have a choice. This doesn’t apply to someone in that situation at all. I’m talking about all the people my age that have decided a child isn’t worth their time, because their life is more important.

Until you give your life for another, you never truly understand your capacity to love. Until you open yourself up to the love and selfless life that is caring for a child, “selfless” is just an adjective.

I was on a long road trip with Beth and Ivy and so I was sitting in the back seat to give Ivy company. This was before Sage and Wren entered our lives. A song started playing. I was leaning over, staring right at Ivy. The lyrics of this song are meant to describe the heartache of a breakup. But as I listened to the words and applied them to the love I felt for my daughter whom I was staring at, the lyrics took on a whole new, eternal, and powerful meaning to me. For those words to take on the meaning they did, I had to apply them in a dark and sad way. I imagined what would happen if I ever lost Ivy (tears come to my eyes as I type those words). Bear with me. The topic will not stay sad and morbid.

The lyrics were from a song called Breakeven by The Script:

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

…

While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping

‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And
What am I suppose to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces yeah
I’m falling to pieces (oh, I’m falling, falling) yeah
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

While preparing to post this, Wren crawled to my chair and pulled herself to stand at my feet. I decided to experiment if this song is still emotional when considered in this twisted context I’ve applied to it. Yup, still tears. I only let myself brush the very edge of the surface of this hypothetical.

I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can not. “What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you?”

I think the most difficult thing that could happen in this life is losing a child and my heart breaks at the mere thought of it. I feel for anyone that has to endure that pain. Just reading those lyrics, considering what I was writing 3.5 years ago, my chest started to ache at the thought. What I wrote here applies more than ever now that I have 3 daughters who I love more than life itself.

“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.”

“Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in.” This would ever happen to me. But I can see how it would for so many in this world. Which makes me sad. And is why I’m writing this.

“’Cause I got time while she got freedom” – I’m stuck in time while she would be free.

“Her best days will be some of my worst” – The best days for our loved ones, their return home, to heaven, is often the worst days for those left behind.

“While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping”

“They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah.

This discussion with my mom, that moment with Ivy in the car, and these thoughts originally happened over Easter weekend three years ago.

Without the resurection, the lyrics of this song would be perfectly true. It would be impossible to go on from that sort of tragedy. But the resurection is real. Jesus Christ did conquer death. I know that Jesus Christ was resurected and that myself and my family will be resurected.

I can’t believe that I will ever be without Ivy, Sage, Wren, and Beth for too long a period of time. This life is but a blink in eternity. I look at them, and the love I have for each of them, I know the God I love would not allow this level of love in my heart, and then not allow me to be with them forever. It makes me sad that much of Christianity does not have the truth restored through Christ’s true gospel that families can be together forever. I know that Ivy will be mine for eternity. I know that Sage will be mine for eternity. I know that Wren will be mine for eternity. When I’m 100 and Ivy is 70, she will still be my daughter. When I leave this world and she stays, she will still be my daughter. When we both have left this life, she will still be my daughter.

To all those who might be reading this, and I’ve drudged up memories and feelings you have tried to suppress, to all those thinking about the loved one you so desperately miss now, my message to you is of hope.

I know that Christ suffered all of my sins so that I could be forgiven for them and overcome death through His blood and grace. I know that Christ conquered death and was resurrected, so that my family and I can be resurrected. I know that we will live together again as a family unit, because of what He did for me. This is why (though I always fall short) I’ve tried so hard to give everything to Him – my heart, my time, my love, my devotion, my life – because He already gave me everything that means anything.

I say with any authority I can muster, with full confidence and faith in the Plan of God: You will see your loved ones again. The ones that make you fall to pieces, the ones that just thinking about choke you up, the ones that make you feel alive but like you’re barely breathing, the ones you don’t know if you can live without because they were the best part of you: You will see them again.

I am thankful for these truths that have been restored. I’m grateful to know that whatever happens in this life or the next, Ivy, Sage, and Wren will be mine, and I will be theirs. Forever. This goes for Beth also. Because of Jesus Christ we will be together forever. And my love for Him is inexpressable when I consider what He’s done for me.

October 23, 2025
Raising our Children

I don’t understand the timing of eternity. I don’t understand how it’s going to work out.

There is a peculiar promise made to Emma Smith in church history. That promise was that she would be able to raise to adulthood the children she had lost.

I always found this strange.

Why would she want to raise her children after life on earth? Their souls will be grown, and they will no longer need rearing to adulthood like they would have needed on earth. Are there children in heaven?

Then the other day I was spending time with Ivy and Sage. Wren was also in the room. Ivy said something very smart. Sage said something very cute. Wren spit up. I realized how precious each of these phases was.

While I’d always considered this promise strange, in that moment it made sense. I wouldn’t want to miss out on any of these moments or phases with my daughters. Each age, each moment, each day is so unique with each of them.

Right now Ivy is becoming so smart and so helpful.

Right now Sage is so trusting and so happy.

Right now Wren is so innocent and so cute.

I could add 100 more individual adjectives for them at these specific moments. They are each so unique.

A common theme of my prayers is asking God the question: What did I do to earn these precious gifts?

I don’t know how I could possibly be worthy of these unique and special souls that have been sent down to me. I look at Ivy, Sage, and Wren and just marvel at who they are.

I marvel that the world goes day-to-day without answers to these questions:

Why am I here?

Where did I come from?

Where am I going?

What happens to those we love when they move on?

This life is so hard but without the inkling of an understanding of what comes next, it seems so hopeless.

The Plan of Salvation is a Plan of Happiness. Because God loves us He gave us families. Because He loves us He gave us the chance to come to this planet to learn.

I marvel at this plan and that I get to be a part of it.

I don’t know exactly how things work after this life. I don’t know how eternity works. But I do know that God is perfect and He loves us perfectly. I know that nothing will be lost – not one moment, not one gift.

I know that God gave me these daughters not for this life but for eternity. I know we’ll be together forever.

March 6, 2025
The Refiner’s Fire
*I wrote this in March of 2022.

One of Newton’s Laws of Motion states “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

In life, for every sorrow, there is equal and opposite capacity for joy. For all our abilities to cause pain and suffering, there is an equal and opposite capacity in us to provide joy and comfort to others.

This brings up a thought: Without sorrow in general, we would lose the ability to provide an equal and opposite amount of joy. If there were no sorrow in the world, we couldn’t equally counter it with joy. This puts sorrow in a somewhat different light.

Without our personal sorrows, we could not help others through their personal sorrows. This is why, among infinite other reasons, Jesus Christ’s sacrifice was so significant. He knows all the sorrow. He has experienced it. He can help us through all our sorrows.

For some reason this week I’ve been studying Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity. The followoing thoughts and things I’m going to write probably won’t make sense. Scientifically, what I’m about to write may be nonsense. But they mean something to me, so I will try to elaborate.

I read that Einstein came up with one of his theories when he was looking out a window at someone on a ladder. He wondered what would happen if that person fell off the ladder?

While watching the short video The Refiner’s Fire, Ivy was in my lap. I was in a rocking chair. She was watching with me. I rocked while I held the phone, and we watched the video. My elbow was propped on the chair so as the chair moved, my body moved, and the phone moved. I wondered if Ivy was having to keep up with the phone, trying to trace it as it moved. I realized, probably not. Like me, she was moving with the chair that moved the phone. She was lying flat against my chest so as I moved, she moved, and the phone stayed right in her field of vision, in her eyes to see.

Then, near the end of the video, Ivy, as toddlers are known to do, got impatient and sat up in my lap. Now she wasn’t flush with my chest. As I rocked and tried to hold the phone steady, she rocked back and forth, tossed about by the flow of the chair but no longer in sync with me in any way. In addition, I had to move the phone farther away, one to try to keep it steady, and two to keep Ivy from grabbing it.

As I’ve studied Einstein’s theories I’ve been struck by the religious implications. Spacetime bends around the object with the most mass. That object pulls all smaller objects to it. They are drawn to it. Time and space literally bend to the will of the biggest object.

God is our biggest object. He is the biggest object of the universe. He is, literally, a celestial body of such force that from many lightyears away our sun, our planet, and we are drawn to Him. He is the force that keeps us moving. He is the force that keeps us living.

As I rocked in this chair, I realized the chair was God. He was the force I was rocking with. And as I was rocking with Him, it was easy to focus on whatever I needed to focus on. If I was flush with Him and in sync with Him, I could focus on that video easily as it rocked with Him. Ivy also, as she stayed flush with me, could focus on the bigger picture – represented by that video. But as she was dependent on me (flush with my body which was flush with the chair – remember God is the chair), when she lifted off me, it made it harder for her to see the picture. She’d disconnected from me and therefore disconnected with God. In addition, if I raised myself from the chair, I disconnected us both from the chair, from God, and we both lost the vision. We both got distracted, we both couldn’t follow the video, we both got tossed about by the swinging momentum, trying to stay flush with the chair (God) but having disconnected ourselves from Him.

What does this teach me?
1. In this moment, it is profoundly important for me to stay flush with God. Ivy (and now Sage) are relying on me.
2. It is profoundly important for me to teach Ivy, Sage, and our future daughter to become flush with God themselves, so they don’t need to rely on me. What happens when I’m not here?
How does this tie into The Refiner’s Fire video that started this thought?

We can create joy to counter sorrow. It is up to me to stay flush with God so that when Ivy, Sage, and my future daughter go through their refiner’s fires, they have somebody they can completely trust. In my life I have a great capacity to cause joy or sorrow. I think the greatest joy I can create in my daughters’ lives is teaching them that God loves them, they are His, He is watching them, and no matter what happens in their life, He will always be there for them. If I don’t teach this to my daughters, it would result in a great sorrow.

Ivy, Sage, and future daughter will go through their refiner’s fires just as I did. They will need God in their lives at that time. We all need God as we go through the refiner’s fire. Then, when we come out properly molded, we can be flush with the chair (God) and help others as they stay flush with us, until they, themselves, can connect themselves to God.

It is our greatest responsibility, and the greatest joy we can provide, to teach others that God loves them. They are children of God with a divine inheritance. No matter what happens to them in this life, He is always there, and it will be okay in the end.
October 31, 2024
Will Hitler be Forgiven?

Before I share this, I will state the obvious. Hitler the man did heinous, horrible acts. He caused as much pain and heartache as any soul ever has on this earth. In writing this silly thought experiment I in no way intend to make light of the horrible choices of others. I believe I will have a hard time forgiving some of the acts I see during life reviews at the great judgment. Forgiveness, thankfully, won’t be for me to decide. I don’t know who will be forgiven for what. I know some will need to ask for forgiveness and likely won’t. I know some will receive forgiveness that we can’t comprehend. I trust in God. Now onto my silly post. Please don’t take the main character too seriously.

I had a thought while I was in the shower, and it stemmed from this question – will Hitler be forgiven? The mere mention of the idea is enough to get me canceled.

The beauty of the plan of salvation and something only the Church of Jesus Christ proposes an answer to, is that God will save all His children and how that could be accomplished.

The thought I had in answer to this question was – maybe Hitler will be forgiven, only God knows. If someone like Hitler could be forgiven, what change would need to take place in a soul like that for that to happen?

We see momentous changes in mortality. We can see transformations over small courses of time. Think of someone you’ve seen change over the course of 5, 10, or 50 years. A lot of changes can happen to a spirit over the course of 50 years. Now imagine 1000, 5000, and 10,000 years. How about 3 billion years? Those numbers are hard to imagine. What amount of change could happen in a millennium? A lot, I imagine.

On the other hand, that amount of time can also show the great weaknesses of a character. A lot of change can happen in a billion years and if there are any flaws in character, cracks become gulfs. Eternity is a long time so luckily we have a long time to change. But if we aren’t working toward perfection, our flaws will grow.

I have read comments in near-death experiences about the malleability of the soul during mortality compared to after death. I’ve read analogies that compare the soul while here on earth to wet cement while the soul post-death being like settled cement. I believe that’s what makes mortality so critical. Our lack of knowledge and need for faith one way or the other, in a way I don’t understand, allows us to change in ways not possible once this life is over.

The beauty of the plan of salvation is that God will save all His children that want to be saved. That’s the critical part. The desire to be saved. That’s also something becoming increasingly scarce in our society, the ability to forgive.

Christ and God will know and understand all, and they will be forgiving beyond all measure.

Which leads to the question, if we’re going to use Hitler as our abstract understanding of evil: will Hitler want to be saved? Will Hitler want to stand before God and Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, the one who had to suffer for Hitler’s sins, who had to suffer for all the pain Hitler caused? Will Hitler want to stand before Jesus Christ? Will he have the humility to seek that forgiveness? If the evils of Satan touched his heart and soul as deeply as they seemed to – desire for power, hate, etc., will Hitler want to stand before them?

Will Satan want to be forgiven? No. He won’t. Envy, evil, and hatred have poisoned his once angelic soul (Isaiah 14:12).

No one can be forgiven if they willingly continue to deny Christ and ”crucify” Him anew.

Will Hitler have the humility to bow before Christ and beg His forgiveness?

I can’t imagine that level of change. It’s hard for me to picture that from someone who did such horrible things and strayed so far from the light. That is millenniums of change which is change my mind can’t fathom.

What I also can’t imagine is how I can ever be made perfect. Me, with all my flaws, judgements, unkindnesses, shortcomings, deceits, greed, and selfishness. How can I be made perfect? I believe it will take a long time.

Maybe Hitler will change and be forgiven for his sins. I believe if that’s possible it will take time.

If we love the gospel plan and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s ability to forgive us for our mistakes, we have to accept that they will forgive others too.

The gospel plan is beautiful. For one and all.

None of us deserve the redeeming love and a sacrifice willingly given of a God. Jesus Christ, spit upon and bleeding, shed his mortal blood and gave up his immortal spirit so we can live again. I am grateful for what He did for me and I recognize every day that I don’t deserve it. It makes me love Him all the more.

Forgiveness isn’t something that should be taken lightly. It is serious.

But when I stand before Him, and I humbly kneel, I believe He will forgive me. And for that moment, I’ll give anything.

August 15, 2024
What do we believe in?

My Aunt Lindsey often asks the question, “What do you know?” I usually respond, “Not much.”

What do we really know? Anything?

While reading Mosiah chapter 26, I came across an interesting commentary from Hugh Nibley, one of my favorite scholars. The commentary was on Mosiah 26:15 which reads:

“Blessed art thou, Alma, and blessed are they who were baptized in the waters of Mormon. Thou art blessed because of thy exceeding faith in the words alone of my servant Abinadi” (emphasis added).

In considering that phrase, “in the words alone of Abinadi”, Hugh Nibley asks, “Now what about childish faith? What about being gullible, etc.? Alma believed in the “words alone”? Alma saw no evidence, no proof, or anything like that? And it wasn’t the words of God; it was the words of Abinadi alone that he believed in? What’s going on here? Why is there merit in this?”

He continues, “There is merit because Alma believed in his words alone. I would emphasize his. You are blessed because of the things you choose to believe-not by the act of believing, not just by faith. You weren’t blessed because you believed, but because you chose what to believe. Everybody chooses what to believe. The atheist is a very strong believer. He is the most passionate arguer you can possibly find, and the positivist. Where will you find greater faith and firm conviction than among economists? . . . You must believe in something, and everybody does. But the Lord said, blessed are you [Alma] because of the things you chose to believe; you chose to believe in the things that Abinadi taught.”

I’ve written before about The Faith of an Atheist.

What do we believe in?

This is an interesting statement by Hugh Nibley. The idea that it isn’t our faith that is important. Everyone has faith in something. It is what we have faith in. What do we choose to believe? Do we choose to believe that this is all one dumb coincidence and we’re all here for no real reason? Or do we believe in a Savior who redeems us, a Father who loves us, and an eternity of potential?

Like a lot of things, it’s really about agency. What do we choose to believe in? Alma chose to believe in something good, hopeful, eternal.

People who leave the church – are they better for it? This is going to upset some people. But in my opinion, no, people aren’t better for leaving the Church. That’s not absolute, of course. Some who leave the church still donate constantly to good causes, serve others, love others, and use their time in helping others. More often than not, I don’t think that’s the case.

Many who leave the church, instead of turning their focus to good, hopeful, and helpful things, spend the rest of their lives trying to bash, destroy, and talk negatively about the church. Why is that? If leaving the Church of Jesus Christ is a good thing, why doesn’t more good come from it instead of more negativity? Why is tearing down something, whatever your feelings on it, that brings others hope and joy, a good result?

Is it easy to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ? With the number of people my age deciding they don’t care for the Church, or any church, I’d say membership in the Church of Jesus Christ is not super easy. A lot of people say, “The church doesn’t do anything for me.” The Church isn’t about what it can do for you. It’s about what you can do for others. When you leave the Church, what do you do for others?

Leaving the Church is complicated. I’m not trying to oversimplify it too much. But what I think gets lost sometimes is that leaving the Church is often a selfish choice. At least it was for me. I don’t want to have to get up early for church on Sunday. I don’t want to use my Saturday morning helping an elderly person move their belongings. I want to drink. I don’t have time for a church calling like teaching a class, working with the youth, or organizing group activities. I definitely don’t have time for ministering. Yeah, checking on a couple people every so often to make sure they’re doing OK, and really help them if they say they need something, don’t have time for that. I don’t want to pay 10% of what I earn anymore. The list goes on. Someone leaving the Church NEVER thinks this way (or won’t admit it). It’s about historicity or “what they feel” or feeling lied to or CES letter blah blah. I’m not trying to say that those things can’t be hard for people. They are, and I understand that. But often, it comes back to I, when the Church’s main goal is to help us see outside of ourselves.

Now let’s be clear. Simply going to church isn’t enough. There are plenty of people who go to church on Sunday, leave, and call themselves stalwart disciples of Christ. You may be worse off than the nonbeliever in that case. It may be worse to believe and turn away the sick and needy than to choose not to believe.

Does some small historical question, or some big historical question, distract you from a plan called “the Plan of Happiness”? Do you choose to worry about a statement by Brigham Young or some question about Joseph Smith? Do you disregard the miraculous book that was written, the testimony of a Savior of the world, an account of that Savior visiting His children in America? Do you ignore the hopeful and positive miracles because you have doubts?

What do you choose to believe in?

July 6, 2023