Beth and I have been married for 15 months. If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine. It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice. But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020! I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.
First let me comment on the pandemic. While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around. Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us. We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months. It’s crazy to think about. What’s even crazier is I love it. It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her. We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day. That was great. As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together. It’s been nice.
It hasn’t been all roses and bliss. While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations. I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).
Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in. If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her. I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that.
I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice. This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking. He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart. He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return. Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife. You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.
My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example. He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return. Christ served only to serve. He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ. Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ.
It hit me how dumb I’d been. Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions. I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.” I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love. It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married. He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.” I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.
I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart. Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home. I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.
Let me be clear about something. I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point. While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate. I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws. I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me. I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her.
Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed. Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration. I have to stop myself and remember. Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something? No. I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife. She does so much around the house and does so much for me. There’s no keeping score. Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.
The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel. We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible. It’s what we’re here to learn. We’re here to learn patience and love. I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving.
I see a sad trend in our society and the world today. We give up too easy. Love and marriage aren’t easy. If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding. We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it. It makes me sad. Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life. Too many people give up too quickly. It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.
I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life. From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities. I’m grateful for my marriage. I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity. I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die. I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉. (Just kidding! Were you paying attention? No brownie points!)
I’ll conclude with a great quote. The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley. I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult.
“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.
Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
No Coincidences 