I looked back, confused by what I was seeing. I considered a response. All that came was, “Who are you?”
“I’m all that you could have been,” he replied.
He looked just like me. I guess I couldn’t have been a bodybuilder. “What do you mean I wasted it?” I asked.
“You were given so much. So much opportunity. So much of a head start. You were raised to know God. You were raised to know Jesus Christ. You were raised to know why you were here and where you were going. And look what you did with it.”
I stared back dumbly. Ok, that was unfair. I got married late. Had one kid. Got divorced. Held down a decent job for most of my life. Maybe I drank a bit too much and I had a propensity to gamble. But my son loved me, despite my faults. My life wasn’t perfect by any means but a waste? This seemed over the top.
“I didn’t waste it. My life? It wasn’t wasted,” I finally said. I had no other defense than to repeatedly say it wasn’t a waste.
“I’ve come to tell you that you did. I’m sorry,” the other me seemed to say with real compassion. Would I have been equally compassionate in his shoes?
“What did you do differently?” I asked.
A vision opened up to me. This must have been what so many near-death-experiencers describe as a life review, but this wasn’t my life. It was me I was seeing, but it wasn’t my life. It was my life for stretches. But then something changed. In a miraculous way I saw it all. The thoughts, the struggle, the fear, the doubt, and the triumph. I saw the grappling with faith.
In my life, I’d never come back to God. It was too painful to feel like I’d let Him down. The focus of this vision was one critical moment. A prayer to God begging Him to take this alternate version of me back. I’d never done that.
The vision flew through other minor and major events. The major events: Marriage, but not at the venue I got married at, this was performed at a beautiful white building. A temple. A wife he (the alternate version) was faithful to. Children that didn’t just “love” him but admired and adored him. Children that had their own faith that strengthened and guided them in a fallen world. A wife that appreciated him and stuck with him through it all.
Then seemingly minor but apparently important events: Service, church callings, prayers, books read, time spent studying, time spent writing, small discussions, small moments shared, smiles, gratitude, forgiveness, sharing, giving. I had to admit it was a much different life than the one I had lived. It sure had a lot less football on Sundays.
Did I waste it?
In 2021 when I wrote the above, I had heard the question, “If on the last day of your life you met the person you could have been, what would you say to each other?”
That inspired me to write the brief dialogue above. It’s what I thought that interaction could look like if I never turned back to God and reminded myself what is truly important about this life.
“And this is my doctrine, and it is the doctrine which the Father hath given unto me; and I bear record of the Father, and the Father beareth record of me, and the Holy Ghost beareth record of the Father and me; and I bear record that the Father commandeth all men everywhere to repent and believe in me.”
3 Nephi 11:37-38 reads:
“And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.
And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.”
These were some of the first recorded words Jesus Christ spoke to His other flock in the Americas (John 10:16).
Hugh Nibley says,
“Who is righteous in the Book of Mormon? There’s a very simple definition of righteousness in the Book of Mormon, as in the book of Ezekiel. One is righteous because he is repentant, and a person who is not repenting is a person who is not righteous. That’s all there is to it, because we’re all wicked and we all need to repent all the time. “Say nothing but repentance to this generation” (D&C 6:9). The first word of the Lord to the Nephites was, “This is my doctrine…and I bear record that the Father commandeth all men, everywhere to repent…” (3 Nephi 11:32). You have to do that. And as Ezekiel tells us, if a person has been righteous all his life but he’s not repenting any more, he’s wicked (see Ezekiel 18:20-32). Of course, he may have been wicked all of his life, and if he’s repenting now, he’s righteous. It makes no difference. So, always repent, always keep repenting. “But behold, all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people shall dwell safely in the Holy One of Israel if it so be that they will repent” (1 Nephi 22:28).
I’ve thought a lot about that Hugh Nibley quote since I read it.
Can it be that simple? Is it that black and white?
Good person = someone repenting
Bad person = someone not repenting
Does this mean deathbed confessions are adequate? Does this mean if you confess your sins and repent the day before you die that you are righteous?
Yes and no.
I believe Hugh Nibley’s point is powerful. Repentance=righteousness. Unrepentance=unrighteousness.
There’s another part of this equation. Repentance=change.
I think back on the eight years I was inactive from church. One of the most distinct aspects of that time period was not praying. I never prayed. Praying made me feel guilty. Since I was not praying, naturally I was also not repenting. At the time I couldn’t repent. Not only due to the fact that I wasn’t praying, but also because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t going to stop doing the things I was doing. I couldn’t repent and then go continue to do what I was doing. I hope I’ve never taken for granted the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I do. But I try so hard not to.
As I’ve been back at church these last 10 years, I haven’t missed a day of repentance. I repent at least once and sometimes two or three or four times a day. My nightly prayers have a consistent feature, no matter what – asking for forgiveness for the mistakes I’ve made. I often try to think back through my day and think of the mistakes I made and the things I could have done better.
Repentance causes change. If I repented during the years of my inappropriate behavior, it would have been insincere, or it would have led to change. I wouldn’t have been trying to change. My repentance started when I was ready to change. That isn’t to say I should have waited as long as I did. But I do believe Heavenly Father has an unimaginable amount of patience with us. I think we’ll one day marvel at how much love and patience He possesses.
Repentance has a negative connotation. It shouldn’t. Repentance makes us better. As Ivy put it one day when I asked her, “Why do we want to be like Jesus?”
“Because He is nice.” Repentance makes us nicer. Repentance makes us better. It isn’t a negative thing at all.
Are there nice people that don’t “repent.” Of course. But repentance is bigger than that. It’s a humility. It’s recognizing our faults. It’s recognizing we have nothing without all that God has given us. It is a desire to change and be even better than we were the day before.
So are deathbed confessions valid? That’s not for me to decide. I know repentance results in change. Ultimately God will decide. It’s not for us to judge. And that’s the most important point to make. When someone shows up to church for the first time, someone who has made a million mistakes and a million bad life choices; when that person shows up to church, you love them. You love and accept and forgive. Leave the rest for God to decide. A person coming to church and trying to change should be shown as much love as a church congregation can muster.
The miracle of the Atonement is that it is eternal – backwards and forwards. Forever. Christ is always there waiting for us when we’re ready. When we’re ready to start repenting, then we are ready to start changing, and then we can start to be ready to go see Him again. Hopefully, through so much repentance, we can become like Him. That’s the ultimate goal.
Every once in a while, I feel guilt for things I did, the person I used to be, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, the horrible things I was a part of. I know it seems…like I haven’t really changed if I only feel that guilt every once in a while. Guilt is an interesting thing.
Every once in a while, I look back on who I was. I’ll feel some guilt for the worst things I was a part of. I think I’ll always feel that, in this life, to some extent. It’s like a prick in my side, as the scriptures would say. It stays with me because I need to be reminded of where bad choices lead.
The most interesting thing about the guilt of my past is it’s not really there, anymore. By this I mean, when I think about it, I more think about the people I hurt, and I feel sorry. But those feelings have become distant, like an old me.
I know there will be, or I hope there will be, some people who read this that I did hurt. I know they’re going to read this and scoff. “Oh good for you, you’ve been forgiven. What about me? The person you hurt.” That’s the guilt that still hits me sometimes.
I have tried to reach out to some people from my past, especially early on. There were things I had to say and people I had to speak to before the weight of my guilt could be lifted off me. It’s intrersting…for years I didn’t let go of some of the weight I was carrying. And it was a weight. It was slowly killing me.
I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I haven’t chosen to forgive myself.
I know a lot of my friends who have only known me in the last few years read this. They might sometimes wonder what makes me so passionate about church, God, the gospel, etc.
I know a lot of my friends and people who knew me back when I was in full “of the world” mode and they now wonder, “What the heck changed? When did he become a God nut?”
I know there are people from high school who will think similar things.
I hope this explains a little bit about why I’ve become so passionate to share about Jesus Christ, to talk about Jesus Christ, to write about Jesus Christ. I hope for everyone who knew me in high school, everyone who knew me through college, everyone who knew me through church, I hope this can explain why I can’t stop talking about Jesus Christ.
At least once a week I cry in gratitude. Because when I think about my past, it’s not really there anymore. Like I said, some guilt will always be there. But the overwhelming sadness at who I used to be is gone. I shed tears once a week asking God why. Why did He save me? What am I worth to Him?
I can’t be ashamed of Jesus Christ anymore. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be a believer and outward worshiper of Him for too long.
Today, I feel with an all too real sensation that He died for me. He suffered, and bled, and was scourged, and was insulted, and humbly took it, for me. Without Him that guilt would still be killing me. I’ve been washed clean by His blood. And that’s why I’ve changed. For all those who used to know me, that’s why I am the way I am now. Because the feeling of what Christ did for me is too real of a feeling.
This forgiveness didn’t come over night. I didn’t one day feel great. It was months and months of being on my knees, crying, begging. It was reaching out to certain people. It was being humble enough to admit I made so many mistakes. And over time, I don’t know exactly when it happened, but one day my guilt was a thing of the past. Sometimes I feel guilt because my guilt is a thing of the past.
Guilt is an interesting thing.
I still make many, many mistakes.
If there is anyone reading this that is still scoffing, thinking, “Well you were a jerk to me, screw you.” Please forgive me. You can comment here anonymously and really lay into me. I know there are still things I might need to make up for. Christ forgave me but others might still have to. Please reach out to me if I ever hurt you so I can try my best to ask for your forgiveness.
For anyone reading this who thinks their choices are who they are. Your choices make you only if you continue to make them. As soon as you decide to change someone will be there to change you. Guilt doesn’t have to be with you forever. It can be washed away. Trust me, it’s a miraculous feeling.
I sometimes wonder how I could change so drastically. Being a person who said things like “washed clean in the blood of Christ” or “Christ saved me.” I never thought I would say things like that. They sound so corny. Then, in quiet moments by myself I’m overwhelmed by God’s love and that He gave His Son to die…for me. Then I decide I’ll be as corny as I have to be. I can’t be embarrassed anymore. I just can’t. Because I know Christ was never embarrassed to claim me. Through all my mistakes and through all the moments He should have turned His back on me, He never would, He never did. He always loved me.
I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I’ve been forgiven because of Him. It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and it’s free to us all.
It’s why I still cry EVERY time I hear this song:
And I Stand All Amazed:
Video “Remembering in Whom We Have Trusted” by Elder Allen D. Haynie
*I wrote this sometime around 2019. As I edited it to post in 2026, I felt some sadness at things that are less true than they were 7 years ago. For example, I no longer cry at least once a week. I think about this sometimes. I really used to cry once a week, during the sacrament, when I thought about what Christ did for me. It’s less often now.
While I want to retain that passion and that burning feeling of gratitude within me for what Christ has done for me, it’s also kind of beautiful that I’m less emotional. Part of the reason I’m less emotional is because I feel less guilt about past deeds. I think over time the Atonement of Jesus Christ has more and more healed my soul and my guilt.
I still owe Him a tremendous debt of gratitude. I still owe Him everything. I hope to hold to those emotions while also being able to let go of past guilt as best I can. It’s a balance. A balance afforded me by the Great Healer.
I started making some bad decisions in high school. These decisions nearly derailed my life.
During that time I was becoming friendly with a girl. She knew about some of my bad decision-making.
One night when we were hanging out I told her I would never get married anywhere but a temple. This interested her. Why, she wondered, would someone like me, who seemingly cared nothing for this religion that I was raised with, care about a temple marriage?
I explained to her that I believed my church was true. If my church was true, then it held the authority to marry couples for eternity. That church, therefore, sealed families for eternity. I told her if I married someone I didn’t want it to end after we died. If I were to ever get married, I wanted it to be for eternity.
When I was in college my decision making had gotten increasingly worse.
On a night I don’t remember, it was later told to me that I bore my testimony to a girl at a party. I don’t remember any of this. Apparently, religion came up and I told her I knew the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was Jesus Christ’s church on the earth.
This girl asked the obvious question, “If you know it’s true, why are you doing the things you’re doing?”
I’m told I said that even though I wasn’t living the standards of the church, I couldn’t deny what I knew to be true.
That testimony that I don’t remember had a big impact on that girl.
Years later that first girl from high school sent me a postcard. That girl from high school had gotten baptized. Her postcard was one of a few critical moments that helped me come back to church and changed my life.
A month after that postcard, in the midst of my difficult journey back to church, I stumbled upon a Facebook message that had gotten blocked and I’d never seen. It was from years prior. It was from the girl at the college party, the girl I bore a drunken testimony to.
She told me she’d gotten baptized. She told me she had never let me know how big an impact that testimony had on her ultimately getting baptized. I visited her and her budding family. She was sealed in the temple. She had an eternal family. She was happy. It gave me strength to continue on the path of repentance that was so, so hard.
The girl from high school got married in the temple and now has three kids. She has an eternal family. She is happy.
A patriarchal blessing is extremely sacred. I share a short line from my blessing with the utmost reverence:
“Trouble not yourself over lost days, for you are an eternal being”
I can’t tell you how comforting those words were when I was trying to find strength to stay faithful, and how important those words continue to be to me.
It is all one eternal round to God (D&C 3:2). He knew I would stumble. What did He do when I stumbled? Put two people in my path that I could somehow, inexplicably, impact at my lowest, during my most degraded behaviors.
What did He do?
He put those two people back in my path when they could help me back. He put two people back into my life to help me remember what I always knew, what I was getting dangerously close to forgetting. He put two people in my path to remind me who I was. I am nothing special of myself, but I am a son of God. That is special.
I marvel at the workings of God. That He loves us so much that He gave us a world so we could leave our Heavenly home, just as children leave their homes here on earth to go out and learn, and grow, and fall. He gave us an earth to fall. But He allowed us a way back.
I know there is a way back.
I know that Jesus Christ allows that way back.
I know that God planned for everything. We are His work and His glory.
Before I share this, I will state the obvious. Hitler the man did heinous, horrible acts. He caused as much pain and heartache as any soul ever has on this earth. In writing this silly thought experiment I in no way intend to make light of the horrible choices of others. I believe I will have a hard time forgiving some of the acts I see during life reviews at the great judgment. Forgiveness, thankfully, won’t be for me to decide. I don’t know who will be forgiven for what. I know some will need to ask for forgiveness and likely won’t. I know some will receive forgiveness that we can’t comprehend. I trust in God. Now onto my silly post. Please don’t take the main character too seriously.
I had a thought while I was in the shower, and it stemmed from this question – will Hitler be forgiven? The mere mention of the idea is enough to get me canceled.
The beauty of the plan of salvation and something only the Church of Jesus Christ proposes an answer to, is that God will save all His children and how that could be accomplished.
The thought I had in answer to this question was – maybe Hitler will be forgiven, only God knows. If someone like Hitler could be forgiven, what change would need to take place in a soul like that for that to happen?
We see momentous changes in mortality. We can see transformations over small courses of time. Think of someone you’ve seen change over the course of 5, 10, or 50 years. A lot of changes can happen to a spirit over the course of 50 years. Now imagine 1000, 5000, and 10,000 years. How about 3 billion years? Those numbers are hard to imagine. What amount of change could happen in a millennium? A lot, I imagine.
On the other hand, that amount of time can also show the great weaknesses of a character. A lot of change can happen in a billion years and if there are any flaws in character, cracks become gulfs. Eternity is a long time so luckily we have a long time to change. But if we aren’t working toward perfection, our flaws will grow.
I have read comments in near-death experiences about the malleability of the soul during mortality compared to after death. I’ve read analogies that compare the soul while here on earth to wet cement while the soul post-death being like settled cement. I believe that’s what makes mortality so critical. Our lack of knowledge and need for faith one way or the other, in a way I don’t understand, allows us to change in ways not possible once this life is over.
The beauty of the plan of salvation is that God will save all His children that want to be saved. That’s the critical part. The desire to be saved. That’s also something becoming increasingly scarce in our society, the ability to forgive.
Christ and God will know and understand all, and they will be forgiving beyond all measure.
Which leads to the question, if we’re going to use Hitler as our abstract understanding of evil: will Hitler want to be saved? Will Hitler want to stand before God and Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, the one who had to suffer for Hitler’s sins, who had to suffer for all the pain Hitler caused? Will Hitler want to stand before Jesus Christ? Will he have the humility to seek that forgiveness? If the evils of Satan touched his heart and soul as deeply as they seemed to – desire for power, hate, etc., will Hitler want to stand before them?
Will Satan want to be forgiven? No. He won’t. Envy, evil, and hatred have poisoned his once angelic soul (Isaiah 14:12).
No one can be forgiven if they willingly continue to deny Christ and ”crucify” Him anew.
Will Hitler have the humility to bow before Christ and beg His forgiveness?
I can’t imagine that level of change. It’s hard for me to picture that from someone who did such horrible things and strayed so far from the light. That is millenniums of change which is change my mind can’t fathom.
What I also can’t imagine is how I can ever be made perfect. Me, with all my flaws, judgements, unkindnesses, shortcomings, deceits, greed, and selfishness. How can I be made perfect? I believe it will take a long time.
Maybe Hitler will change and be forgiven for his sins. I believe if that’s possible it will take time.
If we love the gospel plan and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s ability to forgive us for our mistakes, we have to accept that they will forgive others too.
The gospel plan is beautiful. For one and all.
None of us deserve the redeeming love and a sacrifice willingly given of a God. Jesus Christ, spit upon and bleeding, shed his mortal blood and gave up his immortal spirit so we can live again. I am grateful for what He did for me and I recognize every day that I don’t deserve it. It makes me love Him all the more.
Forgiveness isn’t something that should be taken lightly. It is serious.
But when I stand before Him, and I humbly kneel, I believe He will forgive me. And for that moment, I’ll give anything.
No Coincidences 