No Coincidences

Tag: resentment

  • Letter to a Sinner

    Letter to a Sinner

    I write this with as much humility as possible.  Fully knowing and understanding my weaknesses have given me perspective.  It is my faults and errors that make me feel like I can write this letter. 

    I remember when I came back to church I was asked to not take the sacrament for three weeks.  It was one of the more difficult things I had to do, although it doesn’t sound like much.  I think it was the moment I realized I had changed.  Something that in the past might not have affected me too much, really hurt.  It was difficult coming back and immediately feeling like maybe I’m not enough.  Maybe I could have gone the route of resentment.  Instead I realized how much I didn’t want to have to go through that again.

    I don’t in any way imply I’m better than someone who can’t take the sacrament and does feel resentment.  We all have our own paths.  Mine was of being completely away, coming back, and realizing I deserved my three weeks.  Some are never officially away so that state of probation seems unfair or not right.  I understand that.

    This is my letter to the sinner.  A reminder, that includes all of us.  This is the sinner who has made mistakes.  This particular sinner might come from a perfect family and part of their struggle is feeling like they don’t fit in in the one place they should feel welcome.  This sinner might feel judged by the very people that should love them the most.  It doesn’t matter if those family, friends, and caring loved ones are right or wrong.  It matters how the sinner interprets things.  We all live our own experiences and encounter the world in different ways.  We must, to the best our abilities, see the world in perfect light and perfect truth.

    Here is my letter to a hypothetical sinner:

    You will never be like the “perfect” people you see around you.  You won’t.  Your path has been set.  Your path has been set partly by different “luck,” different experiences.  Partly by your choices.  My life was set by very bad choices.  But now that I’ve come out of the other side, my joy is greater than I could have ever imagined.  You won’t be “perfect”, but you’ll be who Heavenly Father sees you can be.  You won’t be “better” than those who never made the mistakes you made, but you might be stronger.  Your path will lead you somewhere wholly different.  And if you decide you want to come through to the other side: to truly know your Savior, to know forgiveness, to know what being welcomed home feels like even if you don’t think you’ll ever deserve it – if you come to that other side with that relationship with your Savior, your testimony will be welded in steel, as hard as diamond.  You’ll have gone through the refiner’s fire and come out united with He who gives all strength.  This is no excuse to continue to sin.  You know the light.  You’ve seen and felt the light.  I knew the light and I turned from it.  I hope to help anyone not make the same mistake.

    You will make mistakes.  You will sin.  But no matter what, you have to remember Jesus Christ.  Because while the world will judge you and you’ll have to struggle with that, He will judge you with a perfect love and comprehension.  Remember that those around you are trying to judge you with love.  They’re trying to love you righteously.  Jesus Christ doesn’t try.  He is perfect love.  Don’t forget it.  Don’t forget that those around you whose points of view you can’t understand, they’re trying to be like Jesus Christ.  They may be falling short.  But that’s not for you to judge.  Just as they can’t judge you, you can’t judge their intentions or efforts.  Just love and do your best. 

    I’m sorry you have to go through trials.  But do not lose sight of Jesus Christ.  Do not.  He is the only person true peace can come from.  Whatever you do, whatever mistakes you make, do not forget HIM.  He won’t forget you.  I promise.

    At this point I must apologize.  Throughout this letter I’ve referred to you as “the sinner.”  I know that phrase hurt the whole way through.  I know it because I’ve felt it.  I did it throughout the whole letter to get to this point.  I want to remind you, “sinner” is not who you are.  It will never be who you are.  We all sin but that’s not what God and Jesus Christ see in us.  No matter how many mistakes we make.  No matter how many slip ups or downright wrong things you do, you are not a sinner.  You are a child of Heavenly Father.  You are growing.  You are learning.  I reiterate something I said earlier, this does not excuse your sin.  Sin is wrong, you know that.  Christ will see your sin.  What means much more to Him is your repentance.  He doesn’t see who you were but who you will be. 

    “God cares a lot more about who we are and who we are becoming than about who we once were. He cares that we keep trying.”

    Elder Dale G. Renlund in April 2015 Conference talk “Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying”
  • First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    Beth and I have been married for 15 months.  If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine.  It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice.  But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020!  I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.

    First let me comment on the pandemic.  While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around.  Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us.  We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months.  It’s crazy to think about.  What’s even crazier is I love it.  It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her.  We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day.  That was great.  As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together.  It’s been nice. 

    It hasn’t been all roses and bliss.  While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations.  I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).

    Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in.  If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her.  I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that. 

    I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice.  This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking.  He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart.  He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return.  Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife.  You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.

    My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example.  He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return.  Christ served only to serve.  He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ.  Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ. 

    It hit me how dumb I’d been.  Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions.  I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.”  I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love.  It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married.  He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.”  I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.

    I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart.  Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home.  I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.

    Let me be clear about something.  I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point.  While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate.  I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws.  I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me.  I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her. 

    Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed.  Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration.  I have to stop myself and remember.  Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something?  No.  I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife.  She does so much around the house and does so much for me.  There’s no keeping score.  Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.

    The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel.  We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration.  It’s not always easy,  but it’s possible.  It’s what we’re here to learn.  We’re here to learn patience and love.  I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving. 

    I see a sad trend in our society and the world today.  We give up too easy.  Love and marriage aren’t easy.  If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding.  We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it.  It makes me sad.  Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life.  Too many people give up too quickly.  It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.

    I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life.  From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities.  I’m grateful for my marriage.  I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity.  I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die.  I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉.  (Just kidding!  Were you paying attention?  No brownie points!)

    I’ll conclude with a great quote.  The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley.  I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult. 

    “There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

    Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

    Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”