These are the highlights I typed up for myself from a book called Simplified Husbandship | Simplified Fathership by Richard M. Eyre. I typed this up mostly for myself to refer back to.
This is only on the simplified husbandship portion of the book. These are the quotes, summaries, and most important points I found from the book.
“To become a better husband –
change yourself
not your wife.”
“The home should be the center of growth, happiness, of excitement. If your home isn’t a happier place now than it was a year ago, you’re not progressing.”
“A marriage of oneness should have a Venn diagram that is as circular as possible in the middle. When the marriage doesn’t have enough oneness, the middle is like a football.”
“This type of marriage, like a football, is erratic and hard to predict. There is no telling where it will bounce.”
“The best way for a husband to pursue this kind of oneness lies not in efforts to change his wife or even in efforts to change the marriage relationship. His best chance lies in changing himself.”
Partnership-Plan-Pray
Communication – “Oneness is an impossibility between two who share only part of what they feel.” This one really hits home for me. I’m not a great communicator.
Inspiration – “The third partner should be the Lord.”
One strategy for partnership –
Wife handles the “inside partnership” of inside-the-home things such as home, children, personal kingdom, etc.
Husband handles the “outside partnership” of outside-the-home things such as money, providing necessities, involvement in outside causes like church and civic, etc.
In the above example, the wife would be general manager of inside partnership and husband participating partner and vice versa.
Each night before prayer each gives a brief report on their stewardship, and receives comments, questions, or insight from the participating partner. Both participate, but one is in charge of each.
During scheduling, attempt is made to find an hour where roles are reversed. Husband spends time with the children on the inside and wife shifts to outside activities, church, civic, or personal. (This seems extremely structured, to the point that it might border on unrealistic, practically speaking. But I still like the premise).
Partnership – “day planning” – evening prayer.
Each has a role and the Lord is the supervising partner.
Partnership meeting is simple and shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. The results:
- Each learns more about the arena where he or she did not spend the day (and becomes more appreciative of what the other is doing).
- Each gives input and ideas for the other’s benefit.
- Each thinks about what he or she will do the next day in both the general and the limited role.
- The prayer becomes far more specific and meaningful (because it is about things just discussed).
- Both sleep better when the next day is clear and challenging rather than hazy and uncertain.
Things I personally could talk about with the outside responsibilities:
- Schedule for work / coaching / gym / church calling / projects
- Investments and status
- Finances – budget (handled by Beth, could be a part of her report).
Once a month dinner date, reviewing the month. Review the past month and set goals for the month ahead.
Once a year “honey-moon” vacation to review the last year and the year ahead.
Principles:
- Total communication and openness
- Complementary roles (separate but shared responsibility)
- Shared goals and plans
- Adding the Lord to your partnership through earnest, regular prayer together
“If exaltation is the goal, marriage partnerships must fold together in purpose and communication until they become one. We often imagine that temple marriages differ from civil marriages in quantity (they last longer), but, in fact, their quantity will be great only if their quality is great, only if oneness is obtained.”
“Agreeing to disagree on some things is fine among friends and business partners but not between marriage partners striving for oneness.”
“Partners are separated when they compete in any context other than fun.”
“Emerson said, “Marriages do not fail, people fail. All marriages do is show those failures up.””
Partnership-Plan-Pray Summary:
- My wife is my partner in all I do.
- We share everything, including our deepest feelings.
- We plan our time together and share objectives for our lives inside and outside our home.
- We pray together regularly, and preceding the prayer is a discussion of our partnership.
Protect-Pamper-‘Preciate
“A woman’s ego is no weaker than a man’s, but hers works in a slightly different way. Hers usually is best fed when she is cared for, complimented, appreciated, protected – even pampered a bit – not with the patronizing implication that she is weaker, less able, but with the implication that she is more special, important, and genuinely valued. A wife who receives sincere compliments, who is appreciated, who feels needed and cherished and protected, seems to gain a soft strength, a kind of clear-headed fulfillment that raises her toward her full potential in many areas.”
“It’s the old notion of “out-giving” that can make marriages even more beautiful. Have you ever watched what happens to a basketball team when one player is so unselfish that he is always looking for a teammate to get the ball to? Other players respond in kind. The ball moves faster; everyone gets better shots. The teamwork of marriage can be similar.”
Me – This is similar to the advice I received early in my marriage. When I confided in someone about my frustrations with doing household chores, that someone asked me point blank, “Why are you doing chores?” They asked if it was to one-up or get an edge on my wife. They asked how the Savior served. They pointed out that this life is meant for us to become like the Savior. The Savior never asked for anything in return when he served others. If I’m cleaning the house or doing something so that I’m owed something or appreciated by my wife, what’s the point? It’s not service, it’s a way to get an advantage. They said to love and serve my wife for that simple purpose. Because I love her and I want her to be happy, and for no other reason. My life and marriage are better when I realize and remember this.
“It is not the addition of responsibility and children that destroy romance. It is the subtraction of courtship, of chivalry, of living to make the other person happy.”
Protect-Pamper-‘Preciate Summary:
- I love my wife deeply and understand her need to feel cherished and loved.
- I feel tenderness toward her and want to find meaningful ways to compliment her, to be chivalrous and protective of her.
- I watch her closely and notice the time she needs the “lift” of a tender kiss, a word of sincere appreciation, a helping hand, a date.”
Patriarch-Priesthood
A wife is asked, “What would you do if your husband were to ask you to do something you didn’t agree with, not something unrighteous, but something you didn’t want to do?”
She responds, “I would tell him I didn’t want to, and we would discuss it.”
“Yes, and most things you would work out and agree on. But let’s say in this instance you still didn’t agree. You thought it was the wrong decision, but he still wanted it. What would you do?
She says, “I wouldn’t do it.”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about. You would have two options in that situation. One, to refuse. Or two, to say, ‘Yes, you know my feelings, but if you still feel it is right, I will accept your decision.’ If you take the first option you get into a power struggle and minimize his chance to change or repent if he is wrong (his ego, if you defy him, will lock him into his wrong choice). If you take the second option, you show trust and giving, and you maximize his chance to change if his decision is wrong. (The other side of the husband’s ego is the one which feels the responsibility to protect and be fair with his wife who puts her confidence in him.)”
The husband is then asked, “Would you ever do that? Demand that your wife do something she did not agree with? If you do, you will sooner or later destroy your relationship. If you force decisions on her, you abuse her trust and become a tyrant. That is what you do if you demand.”
If either the husband or wife remembers this, it will work. If the wife respects the priesthood, the husband will use it well. If the husband counsels and communicates rather than demands, the wife will respect the husband and they will be one, with the priesthood belonging to both together.
I would add that this example works the other way around as well. If the wife decides on something and doesn’t respect the disagreement of the husband and the husband refuses to compromise, it becomes a problem.
“In a baseball game the pitcher throws the ball, the catcher catches it. The roles are equal but different. They could rotate, the catcher throwing every other pitch, but they would do less well in the game. In the patriarchal order, the husband holds the priesthood and the wife shares it. The “head of the home” (the husband’s role) and the “heart of the home” (the wife’s role) are equal but different in that both draw on the great, inherent strengths of each.”
To be a strong priesthood leader in a home:
- Take the lead in planning the week together each Sunday.
- Use the priesthood more in the home (for blessings, etc.).
- Have a short personal interview with each child on Sunday evening.
- Hold a good family prayer each morning and a “partnership prayer” with your wife each night.
Patriarch-Priesthood Summary:
- My wife shares the priesthood with me, and we are equal partners. But I hold that authority and I have the righteous strength that helps her feel secure and fulfilled in her support.
- I take the lead in planning and goal-setting, in family prayer, and in personal interviews with each of the children.
- I realize that there is no intervening link in the priesthood chain between myself and the Lord. As a father I am entitled to direct inspiration for my wife and children. I ask for that inspiration and receive it.
- I use the priesthood often in my home for personal blessings and to keep the Lord’s Spirit present.
Priority
“Lack of commitment is Satan’s key tool in destroying relationships. Without commitment, little problems and disagreements can become final ones.”
A “planning” husband: “In addition to planning with my wife, I consciously ‘prioritize’ my wife in my personal planning. When I plan my week, I think about her first, and the fist thing I put on my calendar is our Friday night date. Then I ask her about her schedule and try to work out when she might need me. I try to plan at least one little surprise for her each week.”
A less planning husband, “I just watch Pattie and try to notice when she needs a little pick up. Also, and I don’t always remember this, I try to make my last thought of the day, just before I got to sleep, be of Patti. I think, ‘What can I do for Pattie tomorrow?…It’s fun to try to think of her for a moment each night just as I doze off.”
Priority Summary:
- My wife comes first in my plans, my schedule, my priorities.
- When I have decisions to make, my first thought is always how they will affect her.
- I consciously try to find “little things” to do for her on a regular basis.
Becoming these things
“Most husbands, busy with jobs, callings, and concerns of all varieties, cannot be constantly thinking of their roles as husbands. Therefore, becoming these four qualities to the point where you live them naturally is the only practical, workable way to improve your husbandship.”
“Self-programming” is the idea of making these qualities subconscious, so they don’t have to constantly be thought about. The point is to become these husband qualities.
Methods of self-programming
- Running
- Meditation
- The same kind of self-programming can be done in meditation. Simply sit comfortably in a quiet place, close your eyes and quiet your mind as best you can. Then begin – “I put my wife first,” etc.
- Shaving
- The last thought of the day.
- The quiet night, with no light or distraction, is a good time to say, “I am the patriarch of my home. I lead righteously through the priesthood. Last week I gave a priesthood blessing to little Nell. I watch for opportunities to use the priesthood.” And so on.
“Each method of self-programming can be strengthened by prayer. We have great power to change ourselves, but our Heavenly Father is the true changing force.”
