No Coincidences

Author: Brayden Quackenbush

  • Ivy’s First 48 Hours

    Ivy’s First 48 Hours

    The first 48 hours, it turns out, is not just a homicide drama on television or the most important time after a homicide, it’s also an important time after the birth of a newborn.

    The first 24 hours in the hospital went amazing.  There’s no better word than amazing.  Ivy slept the whole time.  Beth would have to wake her to eat.  She would eat and immediately go back to sleep.  We were warned of the calm before the storm.

    Nurses would come in and do this test or that.  She cried once when I was holding her for like 5 seconds.  She didn’t cry at all during her first bath.  She looked like she was enjoying a spa day.

    When another nurse pricked her foot for blood I asked if babies usually cried during that.  She said, “well, I gave her sugar water.”  I don’t know what that means but maybe we should be keeping sugar water on hand.  What I do know is there was no crying while at the hospital after her initial couple hours coming into the world.

    We brought her home around 4:30pm 12/5/20.  Becky (mother-in-law) and Jane (new aunt) were at the condo.  Apparently Bengie was disturbed by how we left the previous morning.  He had been acting strange while we were away and licked us even crazier than usual when we got home.  He didn’t seem to notice the new addition.  Yet.

    Becky made dinner.  Jane held Ivy.  Keith (father-in law) came over after his shift at the hospital.  Everyone expressed joy at a newborn.

    The first night was interesting.  While I think she was still pretty well behaved, it’s crazy how small interruptions to sleep can be completely disorienting. 

    We went to sleep around midnight.  Mistake number one.  I’ve been told this by many people, but I think I’ll have to learn firsthand.  Really – take sleep whenever it’s available.  Ivy and I were watching ASU football until 11:30pm.  Beth fed her and put her down to sleep around that time.

    At 2:00am Ivy started crying.  I’ll do my best to replay the events of the night, but Beth and I had great difficulty piecing events together in the morning. 

    I believe Beth tried to feed her, but she wasn’t really eating.  Cluster-feeding?  I don’t know. 

    *Beth update when reading this – she did feed her before I woke up at 2:00am, we think?

    Things that happened, order unknown:

    Beth made a bottle. Beth passed a blood clot. She was upset and scared and talked to her mom. Determined it was ok unless other symptoms/things happened. Beth was upset and having a hard time. I swapped spots with her and laid by Ivy’s bed, which for the first couple months (I think?) will be lying next to our bed. I fed Ivy half of the bottle Beth prepared.

    Ivy was somewhat fussy and always on the verge of crying.  Between 2am and 4am I realized she had a very messy diaper.  Explained the fussy.  I changed Ivy in the other room and laid her back down in her bed.  She was much better.  I’m not sure if Beth was completely sleeping during this time.  I think she was kind of in and out of it.  She was exhausted. 

    I laid with my hand on Ivy or helping to keep her pacifier in which seemed to settle her down.  I think I slept around 4am.  Again, not sure how things transpired, but at some point I woke up because Ivy was fussing.  Looked like she was hungry.  I talked to Beth around 5am (maybe?) about Ivy being hungry.  I think at some point Beth turned the hot air on in the room.  It had gotten cold in the room.  I could have sworn I passed Ivy to Beth around 5am to feed but in the morning neither of us could recall if that actually happened.  Funny, but being serious. 

    At some point I was really hot, and Ivy was fine.  She was sleeping like a, you guessed it, baby.  Really, she was sleeping well.  Interesting we use that phrase to indicate deep sleep when in reality sleeping like a baby is more like up every 90 minutes wanting some attention.  The living room was cooler, so I curled up on the couch and slept there.  Again, at some point (8am?) I woke up to the loud carbon monoxide alarm.  It beeped loud, 3 times.  I saw Beth coming from the kitchen.  I couldn’t fathom why she would make 3 loud beeps happen.  She seemed in a haze.  She ignored the loud beeping.  That confused me more.  I learned Bengie was sleeping on my legs.  His number one fear is loud beeps.  He jumped and ran to the bedroom, under the bed, tried to jump on the bed but Ivy’s bassinette was in the way.  He ran back and jumped on me.  He repeated this 3 times.  I held and pet him and he was shaking like crazy.  When I stopped petting, he ran to the bedroom, found his way onto the bed, and burrowed into the blankets.

    The new addition was proving to be a major interruption to his routine, peace, and quiet.

    **Beth addition number two – “you must have been in a haze too, when the beep went off, I yelled ‘oh –.’” (followed by a bad word).

    I am not denying any sort of hazy phase.  I was a cloud of confusion.

    I guess the morning had started.

    Ivy was peaceful as could be, as far as I could tell.  She’s been an angel ever since.  While writing this she was curled up on my legs/lap in front of me.  Already learning to multi-task. Her pacifier just fell out.  She likes her pacifier. 

    I still got to meditate that first day.  That was big.

    Becky came by and made some food.  I decided to fast in gratitude to Heavenly Father for all this.

    Beth proofread this and told me to insert “I was a Rockstar” talking about myself.  That’s a bit much.  Beth’s done all the hard work and is completely exhausted.  I’ve gotten to sleep next to Ivy and take care of the most important person in the world.  And she’s so cute.  And when I sleep, I get to put my hand on her and be with her. 

    Good deal.  I’ll take it.

    Ivy may be the “Coo Monster.”  She’s constantly coo-ing.  It’s heart-melting.  The cutest little hums and noises.  I love her very much.  It’s amazing how much I like caring for her.  It’s crazy how exhausted I can be already and yet how happy.

    Ivy went on a short walk in her stroller today.

    She loves her swing.

    She loves if I gently tickle her head or face with my fingers.  Her eyes will instantly flutter closed.

    Bengie and Ivy

    I love her.

  • Ivy James Quackenbush 12/4/20

    Ivy James Quackenbush 12/4/20

    Ivy came today. I’m writing this in a bit of a haze. I keep getting told to get used to it.

    Beth started having contractions around 2AM this morning. Apparently I asked her if she was OK around 2:30AM. Don’t have a complete recollection of that.

    Around 5AM her water broke. We were at the hospital around 6AM. Beth got checked in and I believe was around 3.5cm.

    At 6:30AM I received a text from my father-in-law (shout out Keith Cannon), “Of course we’re praying for Beth and Ivy. But also for you. I hope you stay conscious. Good luck.”

    Between 6AM and 8:30AM things moved very quickly.

    At 7:57AM I texted my mom and told her Beth seemed to be in so much pain. They wanted her to finish some pitocin.

    I think it was 8:30AM when they came back in and kind of freaked out. Beth was in excruciating pain and at about 9cm. 10cm (I learned) is what is needed to start delivery.

    I started getting our stuff together while they quickly wheeled her to the delivery room. When I came out into the hallway they were gone. I started wandering and came upon a man in scrubs. I asked him if someone came this way and he asked who. I told him he would have known if they did. I walked down the other hall and came up to a nurse. She asked what I was looking for and I said, “the screaming.” She led me to the delivery room.

    I texted my mom from the delivery room at 9:07am, “Close.”

    They finally got the epidural in at that time which made things drastically better. Beth improved immediately.

    From 9:07AM to 9:23AM Beth went from writhing, screaming, and crying in pain to texting my mom. “Epidural has kicked in and I’m 10cm. I’ll probably deliver in an hour or so. They were shocked how fast I was moving.”

    I’ve heard over and over about this thing that happens when becoming a father. I can’t emphasize it enough. I can’t say it with adequate enthusiasm or exaggeration.

    When I first saw Ivy James Quackenbush my heart expanded, my world flipped upside down. In an instant I realized I would do anything, I would give my life without a second thought and at a moment’s notice for that beautiful soul. She was perfect, so beautiful.

    I wish I could put it into words, but they’re not enough. My life as I knew it was over. And I knew it. This little thing was the new center. The center of my universe- along with Beth.

    Watching what Beth went through, so much pain, to bring this life into the world. I instantly had something open up inside of me. Appreciation for my mother. ‘She went through this for me?!?!’ Love and awe at the strength of my wife and all women. How can a man walk out on a wife after seeing her bring the most important thing in the world, into the world? I thought of so many mothers – Eve, Mary, my mom, my wife. My Ivy.

    How can women be treated the way they are in the world when they are the entire world? They’re why we’re all here.

    I loved these two in a way I didn’t know was possible.

    I couldn’t stop staring at Ivy. The gravitational pull of the universe had changed.

    Beth held her and she screamed. Let the record show I cut the cord. She screamed and it was simultaneously the most fascinating and most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I didn’t know a scream could be so powerful.

    I put my finger out and Ivy grabbed. She stopped screaming. The nurses started to take her for measurements and she wouldn’t let go of my finger. My heart!

    I followed her. The thoughts I hadn’t let start because her coming had always been surreal started to flood my mind: I’m going to play basketball with her. I hope she loves basketball. We’ll play together. We’ll be best friends. I hope I never hurt her. I hope I can always protect her.

    How does Heavenly Father love me? I’m a little closer to understanding today. I’m a little closer to understanding what true love is.

    Ivy James Quackenbush and Elisabeth Brooke Quackenbush. My family.

    7lb 3oz 21in 10:59am. Perfect.
  • Listen, Learn, Love

    Listen, Learn, Love

    I recently listened to an episode from a podcast called Listen, Learn Love.  This podcast has opened up my ways of thinking on a few topics.  The episode I listened to recently I basically want to summarize (steal) because the points made are so simple, so well-said, and so true. 

    Here is a link to the website for the podcast if you want to learn more: https://www.listenlearnandlove.org/

    The episode I recently listened to that I’m writing thoughts on here is episode 2 and can be found if you search for podcast “Listen, Learn, and Love.”

    The podcast is hosted by Richard Ostler.  He is a former Young Single Adult Ward Bishop.  He has now done 334 episodes of his podcast which “was created out of the desire to better understand our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.  We believe in God and in His decree to love one another.” – from the mission statement on the website. 

    Episode 2 does not focus on the LGBTQ+ topic which I feel is an extremely important topic in the church.  Still, this episode is also important and I learned a lot from it.

    The topic was faith-crisis.  Whether minor or major, any faith crisis is difficult to go through.  When I was returning to church my uncle said something that has stuck with me.  He said he wouldn’t wish the losing of faith on his worst enemy.  You can lose cars, homes, family, money, everything in this world, but losing your faith is the hardest thing that a person can possibly go through.

    As I continue to write I will be presenting many ideas that came directly from Brother Ostler.  Please listen to the episode.  For ease of writing, I won’t reference Brother Ostler in everything I’ll continue to say. Just know most of these thoughts came directly from him, and I hope to re-state them without taking too much away from them.

    In my writing, I often refer to “The Church.” When I say this I am referring to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Something I’d never considered is how important it is to clarify what we mean when we say, “The Church.” The Latter-day Saint Church could mean different things to different people.

    A couple categories for “The Church” are

    1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
      • This was described beautifully by Brother Ostler as a pristine, clear-watered pool.  No murkiness.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect in every way. This hasn’t been completely revealed yet.
    2. The restored Church of Jesus Christ.
      • It has the restored priesthood and priesthood keys. Ideally, this would be perfect.  I think we sometimes confuse this category with the next category I’ll mention.  The restored Church of Jesus Christ should be perfect.  The problem is, as we know, Christ must use fallible men and women to run His church.
    3. The institutional church.
      • This is where we get into a flawed organization. The institutional church has many people, programs, and policies that are meant to implement the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The institutional church is run by men and women and therefore has flaws.  Christ guides the institutional church, but people make mistakes. Brother Ostler points out in the podcast that as a YSA Bishop he was a part of the institutional church and he knew he made mistakes as a Bishop, a leader in the church.

    Much of the hurt that comes into the souls of God’s children is caused by the institutional church.  It is critical to not confuse “The Church” the institution with the pure and perfect Gospel of Jesus Christ.

    A faith crisis is a serious event that can happen to anybody. You can’t always read and pray a faith crisis away.  We are here to develop faith and while here our faith will be tested.  Sometimes to the very brink.  It’s important to get our roots in the correct place.  Is your faith in a bishop?  It shouldn’t be, it should be in Jesus Christ.  The best bishop in the world can let you down.  Jesus Christ can not.

    The fourth article of faith: “We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: FIRST, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

    The Articles of Faith can be read here.  I invite everyone to read and focus on the first four articles of faith in the Restored Church of Jesus Christ.  You’ll notice not only is Jesus Christ’s name in the name of the Church, but that He is referenced three times in the first four articles. 

    Our foundation must be on Christ.

    Brother Ostler talked about the Policy Statement of 2015 and how it created a “mini faith crisis” for him.  These were changes made by the institutional church and have since been reversed.  He talked about how difficult that was for him, personally.  He is not the first person I’ve heard that was impacted in a sad, difficult way by those changes.  He emphasized that the brethren (leaders of the church) were doing their best.  Brother Ostler referred to dominoes, and how the policy statements started to make dominoes fall in his faith.  What saved Brother Ostler’s faith was that all his dominoes didn’t fall.  As he stated so perfectly, some of his dominoes had roots to the center of the earth and couldn’t be shaken.  He referenced Jesus Christ, priesthood blessings, and temples as the foundation of his faith.

    The 2015 Policy Statement is a good example of what separates the institutional church from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The institutional church can and does make mistakes. Jesus Christ does not reverse. Jesus Christ does not change.

    We must change the way we discuss faith crises.  There are too many people who leave the church because they don’t feel heard.  The idea that you can read or pray away a faith crisis is inaccurate and often leads individuals to feel like the “Church” is avoiding their concerns.  We have to listen, as the Savior did, to those with concerns.  Ask questions.  Having a faith crisis does not mean someone is sinning.  It can mean that, but it doesn’t always.  Brother Ostler is a perfect example.  His self-described “mini faith crisis” came while he was a YSA bishop spending dozens of hours each week in service to others.  He was reading, praying, and serving as much as anyone could at that time.  Imagine telling a bishop he needs to pray more, or read more, or do more to fix your problem.  One could rightfully be turned off by this suggestion.

    We must stop considering a faith crisis as a dirty topic that we must avoid.  Thousands are having one at this moment.  Those with unshaken faith must support and lift those who have a hard time. We must address questions head on and strengthen our faith together. We must strengthen each other. We are family. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is meant for everyone. 

    Now I’d like to share some of my personal story.  I returned to church in 2016.  I narrowly missed being an active member of the church when the policy statements came out.  I know this was a hard time for the church.  I know many people left.  I know many people, like Brother Ostler, were shaken by the announcement. 

    I’ve often thought about my faith.  I feel fortunate and blessed to have never experienced a personal faith crisis.  Even in my time away from the church, I never doubted that Jesus Christ died for me.  I never doubted Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I never doubted the restored Church of Jesus Christ.  I never doubted the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  While I was living completely opposite to some of the teachings the church, I still knew it was true.  I know I caused many head scratches from those who witnessed my verbal devotion while clearly ignoring all the precepts of the church.

    I said my faith has always been a blessing to me.  I believe it has.  When I was living opposite to the principles of the gospel it felt like a curse.  I’m sure I will need to answer for that one day.  If I knew it so much to be true, I believe I’ll be more accountable for my behavior.  Maybe that’s what gives me so much faith in Jesus Christ.  I know how important His Atonement is to me personally.  I have too many spots on my garments.  Without Him I am a damned soul. 

    Maybe that’s difficult for others who have never grievously sinned.  It’s easy to appreciate a lifeboat when you’re sinking in the ocean.  What if you’re safe on shore, do you still have the same appreciation for the lifeboat?  I’m not implying those who have lived just, kind, good lives start to finish are in anyway unappreciative of the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for them.  I’m truly amazed by those I see that have been faithful and true for all of their mortal journey.  I can only speak for myself.  I was not true for all of my journey and it makes me worship and love my Savior so intensely. 

    I wonder what would have happened if I was in church in 2015.  Would I have struggled?  Would I have left?

    I don’t know the answer to many questions.

    A book I read recently repeated the idea that we (humanity) know so much; space travel, geography, math, science.  Ask someone to give some thoughts about nature or history and everyone can provide some insight.  Ask someone to provide some thoughts about who they are, and they will struggle.  We often know and understand ourselves least of all the things in the world. I take comfort in knowing there are two individuals who know me infinitely better than I currently know myself.

    I want to give advice to anyone currently in a faith crisis.  Fight.  Don’t lose your faith.  Please.  It’s the most valuable thing on this earth.  You can lose your family, money, cars, your home, and you can lose your faith.  I hope we all fight for our faith.  Focus your faith on what is most important.  All your questions – ask them.  Doubt.  Wonder.  Have concern.  Voice your concerns.  But don’t forget where faith should lie.  Jesus Christ is the only name whereby men can be saved (Acts 4:12).

    Sometimes people will hurt, disappoint, or let you down. Sometimes those people may be leaders you trust. We all hurt and disappoint people we love. We must hope that we will receive mercy for the hurt we cause, and therefore should show mercy to those who hurt us. The great giver of all mercy is Jesus Christ. He loves each of us. He wants each of us to do whatever we can to come closer to Him. Stay close to Him and He will never let you down.

    Find those experiences in your memory that remind you that Jesus Christ guides His church.  Read the Book of Mormon and ask yourself if it could be false.  Then ask yourself, if it is false, how can it so perfectly testify of Jesus Christ?

    Find your foundation in sure things.  The pure faith in Christ.  Then fight for that faith.  We hope the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can be a faith building organization for all.  We hope that the covenants we make can strengthen our faith and the faith of those around us.  But at all costs, do not mix the pure, perfect, pristine waters of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the sometimes-murky institution run by us here on earth.

  • The Chance of Faith

    The Chance of Faith

    One Sunday I was in my car with a friend, CJ Matthews.  We were driving after church to go do something.  I can’t remember what it was.  Visit someone or give a blessing or something that like.

    A few minutes into the drive I realized I was out of gas. I remembered I’d been out of gas since I left my home that morning to drive to church.  It was 20 minutes to our location. It would be 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back to CJ’s car. Then the drive home. No way I could make it without getting gas.

    Which Gasoline Should You Buy?
    Not me on a Sunday unless CJ is in the car.

    I informed CJ of our dilemma.  I let him know I wouldn’t be getting gas on a Sunday.  God would get us there and get us back.  If you could see the look on CJ’s face!  It was great.  His response, “Is God going to turn air into gasoline for you to return?  Pull over and get gas.  I’m not walking to a gas station.”

    I eventually complied with his request, though begrudgingly.  I had the faith that God would help us accomplish what we needed to accomplish without having to stop for gas.

    This is a topic my wife and I playfully debate often.  I try to say that I have no concern about my life or well-being.  If I’m meant to die, I will die when God needs me back and not a second sooner.  I joke often that the best way to die would be by lightning at the top of a mountain.  That would clearly indicate an urgent need God had for me to return and start serving Him on the other side.

    My wife is in the other school of thought.  She agrees with CJ.  Don’t put yourself in harm’s way.  Don’t put yourself at risk.  Don’t be stupid. Boring!  I’m inclined to be stupid. Sometimes I consider it my way of showing God I have faith. I know, my wife has already told me I’m stupid.

    Anyways.

    I’ve made this a joking introduction but it’s something I truly struggle with. 

    Where does faith end and wise action start?

    The principle is told in a story that I love and think about often.  The story goes like this, I’ll tell my version.

    Flood. Man on the roof of his house

    A great flood comes, and a man gets on top of the roof of his house.  A man comes by in a canoe.  “Hop in!”  he yells.  The man on the roof calmly tells him no thanks.  The water gets higher.  A couple in a boat comes by.  “Get in!  The water is rising!”  The man on the roof calmly denies the gesture and stays on his roof.  The water gets higher.  The man on the roof is close to being overtaken by the water.  A helicopter comes by and throws a rope down.  The man on the roof waves it away.

    The man on the roof is finally overtaken by the water and drowns.

    When in heaven he looks to God and asks, “I prayed the whole time I was on the roof.  Why didn’t you help me?”

    God replies, “I sent you a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter!  What else did you want from me?”

    I know what the scriptures tell us.  I know God wants wise servants.  I know he wants us to be prepared.  I know He wants us to work problems out in our minds and learn to problem solve.  I know we’re here to learn to make good choices. 

    But I also know we’re here to learn faith.  We’re here to learn obedience.  We’re here to learn to trust God.

    I hope I live my life with a firm belief that God will guide me wherever He needs me as long as I do my part.  I often joke about how God holds my hand and guides me to places, decisions, people.  I often joke how God has been there with me every step of the way.  He has blessed me in so many profound ways I can’t deny His loving guidance in every moment of my life.

    I know that God still wants me to do my part.

    So, I put my faith forward.  God will get me there!  Or does God put a gas station directly on my journey so I can get gas?  How often is God up there, exasperated, “I put the gas station right along the way!”  Or even better, “I put CJ and Beth around you to balance out your silly refusal to take care of yourself!”

    I wonder how often I’m turning away the canoe, boat, and helicopter.  I only hope I’m ultimately doing what God wants me to do.  I think that’s the best any of us can do.

  • Faith and Signs

    Faith and Signs

    3 Nephi chapter 2 is a fascinating and important part of the Book of Mormon.  It’s especially important to our day.  There’s a chance our moment in history could be parallel to this time in the Book of Mormon record.

    The start of chapter 2 tells us that despite many signs, wonders, and prophesied events coming about, the people continued to harden their hearts and scoff at the idea of a being like Jesus Christ, the Son of God, ever visiting them.   

    Verse 8 reads:

    “Now the Nephites began to reckon their time from this period when the sign was given, or from the coming of Christ; therefore, nine years had passed away.”

    There are two important points I want to make here.

    First, many miraculous signs happened.  This resulted in an extremely short-lived conversion. 

    3 Nephi 1:22 in part reads:

    “the more part of the people did believe, and were converted unto the Lord.”

    A mere 3 years (3 years!) and we have 3 Nephi 2:1:

    “the people began to forget those signs and wonders which they had heard, and began to be less and less astonished at a sign or a wonder from heaven, insomuch that they began to be hard in their hearts, and blind in their minds..”

    We see here how an outward sign can have a bolstering effect on faith, but ultimately signs create temporary faith.  The people didn’t do the necessary work to grow, strengthen, and develop their faith.  Within 3 years those signs were a distant memory.  Their day to day deeds and thoughts were what shaped them.  Those who continued to pray, look for Christ, and study the words of the prophets looked forward to a miraculous day.  Those who saw a sign and only momentarily changed their thinking or habits soon fell back into their disbelieving and hard-hearted ways.

    Terrance Szink says, “the conversion was the result of an outward sign and required no work on the part of the people.  They had seen the sign but, for the most part, they did not sustain their faith.”

    Faith must be practiced daily. If not, it will die like a flower without water.  We are entering a time just like this time in the Book of Mormon.  We are entering a time when signs will become common.  Miraculous events will happen around us.  How many around us will harden their hearts and not see what is right in front of them? 

    There will come a time when Biblical prophesies will start to be more obvious.  There are already signs around us that have been prophesied for centuries.  These signs will become more obvious.  This will only temporarily make people look to God, if it does at all.  Soon people will scoff at believers. People will speak of science and coincidence.  Many will say Christ is not coming because He doesn’t come in their expected timing.  Christ will come exactly when He intends to.

    The second point I want to make is more just an interesting thought.

    How funny is it that a vast majority of the people in the Book of Mormon quickly forgot the signs they’d seen? Yet, as a whole, the people changed how they kept track of time.  They started to speak of years in terms of the time since the sign appeared.  How ironic is that?  These people that didn’t believe the sign still acknowledged it was important enough that they changed how they tracked time.

    It’s reminiscent of today.  As a society we use the year 2020 as the time since Christ’s birth.  Yet, how many people among us today don’t even believe in Jesus Christ?  How many don’t believe He was the Son of God? He was important enough for us to mark our calendar by Him but not important enough to actually believe in Him.

    I believe many will have to answer for this hypocrisy one day.  The signs of Christ are obvious.  The impact He had on the world are so profound, and yet many still deny.  One day we will all have to stand before God and either accept Jesus Christ as our Savior, or reject Him.  I hope on that day our hearts are not hardened and we don’t deny the grace and love that will be right before us.