No Coincidences

Category: Family

  • Sage Laura Quackenbush 9/3/22

    Sage Laura Quackenbush 9/3/22

    I’ve long anticipated this moment. I didn’t know what it would be like to have my heart split into another section. I talked about when Ivy was born, how my world flipped upside down. I’ve heard that the feeling of having a second child is incommensurable. How can you describe loving two things so much?

    Sage Laura

    I’ll be honest, when Sage was born, it wasn’t what I expected.

    The love for Sage, compared with my love for Ivy – it is different, and yet so the same. This isn’t a contradiction but, I think, a profound truth. I can’t help but think of Ivy as I look at Sage. I love them both so much. I see a glimpse of how Heavenly Father can feel.

    I can imagine how my Heavenly Father can see me and love me so much. And as He sees me, He thinks about my mom and my dad, my siblings, my wife, my children. When I look at Sage, I’m reminded how much I love Ivy, and vice versa. It is a welding link of love. This doesn’t diminish the love at all. It expands it.

    It’s the best I can put into words what having a second daughter was like.

    My love for Beth expands in these moments too.

    I couldn’t understand how I could love Beth more, or how I could love someone like I loved Ivy. I couldn’t imagine how my heart could split in three. But now I realize, it’s not splitting. It’s expanding. And with it, my understanding of Heavenly Father is expanding. I understand that His heart and love can’t possibly split for all of us. It expands for all of us. That’s how He can be the definition of love, He has so much to love. His heart has expanded beyond our comprehension. This is what I realized when I looked at Sage. My heart expanded a proportionate amount to how it expanded when Ivy came into my life.

    3 girls

    I got to speak to Ivy today. I pointed at her and told her, “You’re my girl, and I love you so much. And guess what? I have three girls!” Ivy’s eyes got wide, one of my favorite things she does. I continued, “I have Sage, and I have your mom, 3 girls! One Ivy, two Sage, three Mom. I love you all so much, my three girls.”

    It’s a phenomenal feeling. Any feeling that helps me to understand Heavenly Father more is amazing and special to me.

    I’ll be interested to read my 12/4/20 Ivy post after writing this to see how they compare. Right now, I am full of gratitude. Sometimes I can’t believe that God has given us this gift, His most powerful gift. He has trusted me to take care of His daughters while here. They become my daughters, but always His as well. This brings me so much comfort. I want my daughters to know that they’re never alone. I am always here for them, and so is their Father in Heaven. They’ll never be without a dad.

    I went back and re-read that post of Ivy’s birth. There are some things I wrote about Ivy that, if Sage ever looks back and reads this, I want her to know apply to her also. My two girls.

    From that post –

    “When I first saw Ivy James Quackenbush my heart expanded, my world flipped upside down. In an instant I realized I would do anything, I would give my life without a second thought and at a moment’s notice for that beautiful soul. She was perfect, so beautiful.

    I wish I could put it into words, but they’re not enough. My life as I knew it was over. And I knew it. This little thing was the new center. The center of my universe- along with Beth. (Now I have three centers to my universe).

    I couldn’t stop staring at Ivy. The gravitational pull of the universe had changed.

    Sage

    The thoughts I hadn’t let start because her coming had always been surreal started to flood my mind: I’m going to play basketball with her. I hope she loves basketball. We’ll play together. We’ll be best friends. I hope I never hurt her. I hope I can always protect her. (Now they’re my two best friends. Ivy is my MVP and Sage is my DPOY).

    How does Heavenly Father love me? I’m a little closer to understanding today. I’m a little closer to understanding what true love is.”

    I’ve realized something else now that Sage jas been with us 5 days. Yes, my world flipped upside down when I saw each of them. Yes, the gravitational pull was palpable. But what really develops that love into a bond truly unbreakable is the countless hours laying on my chest, the first grin that I get to see, the hours of bouncing and burping, the feeding, the watching them grow. I think this is why the motherhood bond is so powerful. Mothers often get more of these experiences than fathers, unfortunately. It is these moments that unite us to our children for eternity. These are the favorite moments of my life. When Sage lays on my chest and instantly falls asleep, I’m reminded I’ll do anything for her. I’m reminded how much I love her.

    I love my family so much.

  • Ivy’s Love of Transportation

    Ivy’s Love of Transportation

    Ivy had the best weekend recently. We flew to Vegas to see my family. Fun fact about Ivy, the girl LOVES transportation. By that I mean, all things that move. Airplanes, cars (vroom vrooms), buses (round and rounds), tractors, go-karts. If it looks like it moves, Ivy loves it.

    Ivy had been on an airplane before, but this was her first, what I like to call “conscious” flight. She had some idea what was going on this time, different from when she was 8 months old.

    You can only imagine how exciting a place the airport was for her.

    First, she got to ride on the electric shuttle to the terminal.

    Billie, Ivy, Dad

    Then, she had her first experiences with escalators. Ivy LOVES escalators. Of note, she is not a big fan of elevators. I guess that gravity shift for her little legs is a bit much.

    Then she got to get on an airplane. Lots of curiosity mingled with excitement.

    Then we had a 3-hour delay and had to exit the airplane. Did Ivy care? Of course not! More time to wander around the airport, looking out the window at airplanes. Yes, we did do that for 3 hours.

    Ivy hearing announcement about Delay
    Ivy pondering all the fun she’s about to have in the airport
    Ivy exploring airport

    By the time we got on the plane to actually fly, Ivy knew everything there was to know about an airport terminal and was ready for the sky!

    She loved flying. She looked out the window and pointed out all the lights. She like to put her finger and thumb together to show that the cars and buildings were getting very small.

    Ivy’s joy reached a peak on our return flight.

    We had those moving walkways right by our gate. So we spent an hour straight going back and forth on that. I must emphasize that this is not an exaggeration. One. Hour. Straight. Back and forth.

    Ivy has recently started doing this thing that is my new favorite thing in the world. When she gets extra excited, she says YES! And clenches her first and pumps it in the air – “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

    Picture this with a happier face and you’ve got it:

    So, when we started down the tunnel for our return flight, Ivy remembered what was coming, going high on an airplane. She excitedly started walking in front of us, fist-pumping and yelling “YES!”

    When we landed at 10:30PM, her enthusiasm couldn’t be dampened by the late night. We got to ride her all-time favorite mode of transportation. A ROUND AND ROUND. If Ivy sees a bus, she’ll twist her hand around and say “roun n roun.” You know, because the wheels on the bus go round and round.

    When we got off the round and round, she was disappointed. We had to tell her the round and round needed to go to sleep. This was ruined when we walked back to our car, passing 4(!) round and rounds. The excitement at each one was palpable.

    Finally, we got to vroom vroom home.

    Thus ended the best weekend of Ivy’s life.

    Every time she has seen an airplane since, she points straight up, and says, “high.”

    She can’t wait to fly again.

  • Emotions of a Toddler

    Emotions of a Toddler

    Have you ever thought about how far you’ve come emotionally?

    When Ivy gets upset, she does crazy things. An example: today she was upset and throwing a tantrum. So she decided to put her foot underneath the couch and yell “STUCKKKKK” to emphasize and dramatize how difficult her situation was. She was not stuck.

    Can you imagine an adult doing this? You’re at the office and your coworker gets frustrated and starts thrashing around and yelling. Next thing you know they’ve put their foot under their chair, in a position that it could easily be pulled from, and yelling, “I’m stuck!” How crazy would that be?

    Hard at Work
    Hardly Working

    Again, have you considered how far you’ve come? From a toddler that has almost zero control of emotions, to a child who starts to have some semblance of control, to a teeneager who, depending on how you were either reverted back to toddler-hood or became more emotionally balanced (I reverted to toddler-hood), to an adult. Now, you go to work, drive in traffic, and go to the grocery store, constantly surrounded by frustrations that should have you throwing tantrums. But you don’t. You handle your emotions and live your life. Some do this better than others.

    The problem is, are you still getting better?

    I think a lot of adults get to adulthood and, whether consciously or not, come to the conclusion that they’ve “made it.” There is no more growth to go. You can brush your teeth and dress yourself so you’ve got it all under control. The truth is, we can still get better at controlling our emotions. There is always growth to be had.

    We’ve come a long way from being toddlers. But don’t stop. Keep going. Further your self-control every day. Become better. This is growth.

  • Children Need Their Father

    Children Need Their Father

    I went on a weeklong river rafting trip. I believe it was the longest time I’d spent away from Ivy. A large portion of that trip, I did not have my cell phone with me.

    When I got off the river and started driving back to Las Vegas with my family, I checked my phone and learned that Ivy had not had a good week. Meltdowns, tantrums, refusing to sleep. Apparently, she’d had a very hard time in my absence. I didn’t even recognize the girl being described.

    Many theories were tossed around to explain the behavior: teething, out of her routine (they stayed at my in-law’s house), she was sick, her shoes were too tight. I knew the truth. She missed her daddy. I couldn’t wait to get home and comfort her.

    I’ve written about missing Ivy before. This was the first time, it seemed, she could really miss me. I just finished a book, What a Difference a Daddy Makes by Dr. Leman that talks all about the importance of a father, especially in a daughter’s life. It talks about how a father reinforces confidence and helps a daughter relate to men as she gets older. It talks about how moms have a tendency to parent and do things one way, and the balance of how a father generally does things is important to a child’s development. This is at least partly why The Family Proclamation says, “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

    I believe I was 16 when I first hung up on my mom while she was talking. I promptly received a call from my dad. The usual mild-mannered, relaxed father I knew was gone. I was told over the phone, in no uncertain terms, that if I EVER hung up on my mother ever again, he would kill me. I believed him. He told me I was to treat my mom with respect. It was an important lesson I needed to learn. It was the last time I ever hung up on my mom.

    This is an example of why kids need their dad. Dads, in society, have gotten a ridiculously unfair reputation. Dr. Leman in the aforementioned book noted the unfair representation of fathers on television. Fathers are almost always bumbling blockheads that can’t get anything right. This is unfair and wrong. It has built a belief in society that fathers aren’t needed, or worse, that they cause more harm than good. Fathers are important.

    So how was Ivy when I returned home? An angel. The most well-behaved, happy, sleeping babe you ever met. She smiled ear to ear the moment I saw her when I got home. It was such dramatic joy that I almost didn’t believe all the propaganda I’d been hearing about her. She just needed her daddy.

    Before I could get too cocky, Beth had a doctor’s appointment during the week. It was Ivy and I for a couple hours. Then I got to witness all the behavior I’d seen.

    A growing girl needs her daddy. She also needs her mother. We’ve seen that Ivy is way happier when it’s all of us together. Ivy’s still relatively fresh from heaven. She knows the importance of family and the The Family Proclamation.

    I’m grateful to understand the importance of family. I’m grateful to have a small inkling of how important I can be to Ivy’s life. I’m grateful that Beth continues to be such a great mother. I’m grateful to have an amazing family to help me understand these things. I’m grateful that families can be forever.

  • Leedy Wedding

    Leedy Wedding

    I wrote this at the hotel, a couple hours before officiating Matt Leedy and Sam Simpson’s wedding.

    It was such an honor being asked to do this.  For me, it’s a bit symbolic of how far I’ve come and transitioned from what I used to be.  When did I become the religious friend trusted to officiate a wedding?  I did this for my sister, but this will be the first real wedding I officiate.  My sister’s was more of a ring ceremony after their sealing in the temple.

    It is pretty cool to change to the point that people trust and ask you to play a part in what is one of the most sacred things. 

    At their wedding, before marrying them, I shared a three-minute thought.  In the moment, I didn’t use notes but rehearsed from memory.  But here is roughly what I shared at Matt and Sam’s wedding:

    “Matt and Sam, look out over all the faces here.  Take a moment, hold to this moment, remember this moment.  All these people are here to celebrate you, because they love you. 

    Something extra special is happening here today, though.  Nobody is here to celebrate you, Matt, or just you, Sam.  Some in the audience may even think they’re here for just one or the other, but that’s really not the case.  Every person here is to celebrate YOU, a unit, a new powerful team, one.  That is what makes this day so special.  Two people becoming one.

    On a day like today, we marvel at all the blessings we’ve been given.

    Remember who you just looked over.  Parents, grandparents, loved ones.  How blessed we are.  On a day like today, we also remember the ones we miss.  A grandma, a father, with a seat reserved.  It feels like yesterday that some loved ones had to leave us.  I think it feels like yesterday because something deep within us knows those loved ones never left us.

    I’m a firm believer in angels.  I’m a believer in angels that wouldn’t miss this day for the world.  So as you look out over those that you can see, I believe, there are some, many even, that are present that you can’t see.  Those loved ones that wouldn’t miss this.

    Matt’s father, Don, left us unexpectedly 18 months ago.  At that time, I got to witness something amazing happen.  I saw Sam love Matt.  I saw Sam protect Matt.  I saw Sam uplift Matt.  I saw Sam support Matt in the most difficult time in his life.  When life is the hardest, we find our foundations.  And when we find our foundation, or someone that does those things for us, it becomes our duty to love, support, uplift, and protect that person for the rest of our life.

    So, Matt, Sam, I encourage you to remember that the greatest challenges in life can result in the greatest blessings.  And with each other, as a unit, loving and supporting one another, you can get through anything this life tries to throw at you.

    We love you.  And we celebrate this day with you.”

    How grateful I am to have gotten to be a part of Matt and Sam’s day. 

    How grateful I am to feel worthy, and clean, to stand before God and a group of Matt and Sam’s loved ones and get to do that for them.

    How grateful I am for a Savior that allows me to be clean and feel worthy of that moment. 

    Thank you to Matt and Sam for trusting me and allowing me to be a part of something so important.

    We love you.