No Coincidences

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  • You Sent a Dog to Save a Girl

    You Sent a Dog to Save a Girl

    *I wrote this to my wife when she lost her family dog and best friend of the previous 12 years.*

    You sent a dog to save a girl.  I have never gotten a full story.  I’ve never heard a full account.  I have seen the love in her eyes.  I’ve seen her hug and care for and love a creature with so much love.  It’s love I know she’ll one day pour out upon a child tenfold.  It’s maybe what drew me to her in the first place.  Her obvious ability to love and care for others.  She will be an amazing mother partly due to a dog.

    I’ve only known that dog to be old.  I’ve only known the whines and the cries.  The confusion.  From my eyes he has been ready for a long while.  But he wouldn’t let her go.  He knew she still needed him.  I saw a puppy in pictures.  I saw a puppy in her eyes every time she laid with him and pet his curly black fur.  I saw love for a dog that never left her.  I saw my wife, with so much capacity to love, unable to stop loving a dog that couldn’t stop loving her.

    I never heard of every night.  I know they existed.  The nights that she cried.  The nights she felt so alone.  The nights that she thought, “why did I upend my life, to what end?”  I know there were many tear-filled nights.  I had to go through the same.  I had a roommate and a best friend some of those nights, so I know.  I know what comfort is in those moments.  I know that on every tear-filled night there was a furry, black, kind creature that wouldn’t leave her side.  I know this because I’ve seen the love she holds for an animal that saved her life. 

    I will never understand the full extent of the bond between my wife and this dog.  I’ve only seen an animal that can hardly see or move, let alone play.  I see the love in her eyes, and I know he used to play.  He always comforted.  He was always there for her.

    Now his time has come.  I know this will be one of the hardest things my wife ever goes through.  Maybe the hardest thing since she changed her whole life to come back home.  He was there for her then.  He can’t be there for her anymore.  I know he’s been waiting.  He’s been waiting for me.  I now must replace the perfect, never ending, never ceasing, never decreasing love and devotion of your creature.  He wouldn’t leave her.  Now he must.  I’ll love her and care for her to the best of my ability.  I hope to come close to the love of a dog for his girl.

    I don’t know where my wife would be without a fluffy, black dog.  I don’t know if I ever would have met her.  In a million ways we would have never crossed paths.  If not for a dog, she wouldn’t be in my life.  If not for the many nights of comfort when she didn’t know if she could do it.  If not for every time he nuzzled her tears and begged for a pat on the head.  If not for his love, who knows where my wife would be?

    You knew my wife needed a dog.  You sent the perfect one.

    Now it’s his time to move on.  I’m sure it means there’s a child or an individual who needs him more.  You sent an angel in a fluffy, black, four-legged body to bring light to a home and to a young girl.  Now he’s needed elsewhere.  I pray only that I can love her as he loved her.  Support her as he supported her.  Comfort her as he comforted her. 

    You are a Father who loves us so much.  You send creatures to save our lives.  You love us in many ways, including through the loving eyes of a puppy.

    You sent Parley to save my wife.
    Thank you.

  • Book Review: The Problem of Pain

    Book Review: The Problem of Pain

    The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis

    Copyright 1940

    ________________________________

    From the front cover: “The point about reading C.S. Lewis is that he makes you sure, whatever you believe, that religion accepted or rejected means something extremely serious, demanding the entire energy of mind.”

    Before starting this book, I was in the precarious position of thinking C.S. Lewis was one of my favorite authors without having ever read one of his books.  I have many of his books on my list of to-one-day-read.  The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is obviously on that list.  In the Church of Jesus Christ we often hear that C.S. Lewis is one of the most quoted, nonmember of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, ever.  For good reason.  I came to the conclusion C.S. Lewis was one of my favorite authors because all his quote ARE SO GOOD.  He is brilliant.

    The Problem of Pain was the first C.S. Lewis book I ever read.

    I consider myself a semi-literate and intelligent individual.  That all went out the window while reading this book.

    This is how I felt reading this book:

    My monkey brain couldn’t wrap itself around these eloquent and long sentences.  Here’s another thing, I don’t like huge paragraphs, if you can’t tell.  When a paragraph goes 3 pages long (in the paper-back I was reading) I’m likely to get lost before even starting it.

    All that being said, my simplistic mind could still grasp that it was being stretched.  I could still sense this learning taking place in my mind, even if much of it was going over my head.  There were many quotes that made me stop and think. That was part of the problem.  To truly appreciate this book, I would have had to stop and ponder what I was reading at least 3 times per page.  That makes for a long reading of a 162-page book.

    I will read this book again, mark my words.  I may read it 10 more agains.  It is good and I do desperately want to understand it.  So, I won’t be giving up on it.  I’ll just have to mix in some simple, relaxed reading alongside it.  My mind  can only take so much.

    If you’re much smarter than me, please read it.  If you have read it and understood greater than 20% of it, let’s sit down and talk, but only if you’re prepared to be extremely patient with me.

    I will leave you with one of my favorite parts of this book so you can get a feel for the book, learn something, and see how brilliant C.S. Lewis’s writing is.  It will not be the whole paragraph because I don’t want every reader to get lost midway through like I often did.

    In speaking of hell, C.S. Lewis writes:

    “I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside.  I do not mean that the ghosts may not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein an envious man ‘wishes’ to be happy: but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good.  They enjoy forever the horrible freedom they have demanded, and are therefore self-enslaved:  just as the blessed, forever submitting to obedience, become through all eternity more and more free.”

  • Love is Powerful

    Love is Powerful

    I was once asked a question I surprisingly had never truly dived into.  What was different about the first time I met with the bishop when coming back to church?   Why did I come back?

    I’ve written about some of the coincidences leading to me getting to the Bishop’s office and ultimately coming back to church.  But how did I stay?  Coming back once, for a fleeting moment of revival, that’s easy.  What really brought me back?

    I wrote in The Inspiration about cancelling that first appointment with the bishop.  That appointment eventually got rescheduled. 

    I remember walking into Bishop Thurston’s office.  It was a small room, like most bishop’s offices.  I believe there was a picture of the First Presidency, and Christ.  At other points in my life both pictures might have made me feel uncomfortable, unworthy, judged.  Maybe not the picture of Christ.  His image has always brought me warmth, if not alongside guilt.

    First Presidency February 2008 – January  2018

    I remember being so nervous.  What were we going to talk about?  It had been almost 10 years since I sat in a bishop’s office.  Was he going to grill me?  Was I going to have to confess all my sins?  Was this going to be a moment I looked back on in disgust?  Was he going to judge me?  Was he going to wonder what brought this messed up individual into his office?

    And then he smiled.  He shook my hand.

    If you’ve seen the smile of Kody Thurston, you know it.  If you’ve seen the smile of a loving bishop anywhere in this world, you know this smile.  They’re the same anywhere.

    He asked me to sit and I believe he offered the prayer.  Then we started to talk.  I remember not knowing what to do with my hands, I was fiddling with them in my lap.  I remember looking down a lot.  Every time I looked up he would be looking right at me.

    We talked about where I’d been, where I was going, my family.  We got to know each other.  I don’t remember much about the exact conversation.  I do remember what I didn’t feel, judged.

    Then he asked the question, I think it was, “Do you have anything you need to talk about?”  It was a loaded question, but it didn’t feel like it.  I knew if I said no he would move on.

    I had come into that room with zero intention of confessing my sins and opening my heart to a stranger.  Then this strange thing happens in a room with a person who has been sent and commissioned by Jesus Christ for this very purpose.  There’s a feeling in a room when the spirit is there.  It’s overwhelming.  I didn’t say much.  I implied some things; I got some things off my chest.  He didn’t ask much.  He moved forward.  That’s what I remember.  Moving forward.

    I talk about no coincidences.  I know it wasn’t a coincidence that I came back at that time.  Maybe it’s an excuse for me taking so long, but I know that God knew who and what I needed when I came back.  I firmly believe that God waited until I was ready and put Bishop Thurston in a position to be there when I was ready.  I don’t think I would have made it without him.

    When I was getting ready to leave, he said he wanted to see me again soon, within the week.  He told me to reach out to his assistant and schedule it soon.  He told me to tell his assistant to make it happen in the next week no matter what, even if I had to come to his house.  That’s another thing I’ll never forget.  Come to his house?  Why did this stranger want to see me again so soon?

    I was once asked what made me come back?  Love.  Love made me come back.  I knew when I left that office, without a shadow of a doubt, that the stranger I just met cared about me so deeply.  Is that something I could know?  I guess not, I couldn’t know it.  He could have been faking it.  The reason it has stuck with me, and the reason I came back, is because it wasn’t something I knew, it was something I felt. Like testimony or faith, it was something I couldn’t deny and something I’ll never forget.  At the end of that meeting I felt like I’d just met somebody who would do anything in his power, anything he possibly could, to help me.  I felt the love of Jesus Christ for me, displayed through this stranger so potently, with such power. 

    I left that office feeling good.  I’ll admit something.  I tried to keep it together.  I really tried.  I drove away from the building.  I pulled over within a minute.  I cried and I cried.  It was like the love I wouldn’t allow myself to feel Christ giving me for so long poured over me with such intensity.  I cry today thinking about it.

    Those first few weeks coming back were really hard.  Really, really hard.  When it got to feel like too much to continue on that path, like I couldn’t do it, I thought about the love I felt that day. I thought about that little bishop’s office where I felt something, and my heart changed.  I thought about the moment in my car after.  I realized I never wanted to be without that love, ever again.  That’s what brought me back and kept me coming back.

    Love is powerful.

  • Light You Reflect

    Light You Reflect

    Alexandros Papaderos

    In a book titled It Was on Fire When I Lay on It by Robert Fulghum, he tells a story about when he asked Alexandros Papaderos the question, “what is the meaning of life?”

    Robert Fulghum relates that Dr. Papaderos pulled a small round mirror out of his wallet.  He said he had found the mirror and scratched it on a stone until it was round.

    Dr. Papaderos said, “I began to play with it as a toy and became fascinated by the fact that I could reflect light into dark places where the sun would never shine-in deep holes and crevices and dark closets.  It became a game for me to get light into the most inaccessible places I could find… As I became a man, I grew to understand that this was not just a child’s game but a metaphor for what I might do with my life.  I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of light.  But light-truth, understanding, knowledge-is there, and it will only shine in many dark places if I reflect it.

    “I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know.  Nevertheless, with what I have I can reflect light into the dark places of this world-into the black places in the hearts of men-and change some things in some people.  Perhaps others may see and do likewise.  This is what I am about.  This is the meaning of my life.”

    Doctrine & Covenants 45:7

    “For verily I say unto you that I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the light and the life of the world-a light that shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not.”

    The mirror found by Dr. Papaderos was not rounded and clean when he found it.  It took scratching it on a stone.  This symbolizes the refining process Dr. Papaderos undoubtedly went through to become a source that could reflect light.  We are born with the light of Christ.  When you look upon a young child you easily see that light.  As we grow the light we reflect dims, or it brightens.  It is our effort that determines this.

    Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are blessed to know by what source we can reflect light.  We reflect the light of Jesus Christ.  He is the light.  We can all be the reflection. We are made in the design and shape of our Heavenly Father, made in His image.  The source of all light.

  • Policy

    Policy

    I want to write about what I learned when I struggled with something at church.  I apologize for not going into specifics because I don’t want that to be the point.  I want to write about what I learned from my struggle.  To be clear, it was not a faith crisis.  It was a policy/decision that I struggled with.  I think almost all of us can relate to this for some topic, to some extent. 

    The first thing I learned is that God will speak peace to us, if we need it and if we can accept it.  In my case I was questioning something and asking myself, “was that right?”  I was pretty worked up about it.  I was upset and confused.  At some point, I stopped thinking about it.  At the time I didn’t realize what was happening.  I somehow moved on.  I came to a feeling of peace about it. Initially, I attributed it to my general lack of caring about things I can’t control.  But then it worked itself out, or God worked it out, and I look back and realize He spoke peace to me.  I can almost hear Him, “Peace, my son.  Don’t you know my hand is in these things?  Don’t you know I will care for my children?  Have faith.”

    I believe God blessed and helped me.  I believe the Holy Ghost spoke peace to my soul.  I didn’t ask for it.  I didn’t even question it.  Maybe I showed a fraction of faith and God rewarded me with peace.  I more think He loves me and gave me that peace because I needed it.  Either way it became a non-issue for me.  Things would work out. 

    But, no matter our faults or potential mistakes, God will make things happen the way they need to happen.

    I learned an important lesson.  Despite how I think things should go or how I think things should be done, God has an order to His church.  Decisions are made by those in authority.  End of story.  Satan ended up where he was because he fought God’s authority.

    This gets me into the second thing I learned.

    Throughout history, there have been things that are hard for people to understand.  This has happened since before the restoration of the gospel.  For the entirety of human history, and especially Christ’s Church, there have been aspects of it that man couldn’t understand, comprehend, or sometimes accept.  We fall into this recency bias where we think we’re the only ones who struggle with church policy.  In Adam’s day, his children had issues with “church policy.”  In Moses’s day the Israelites disagreed with him often.  In Joseph Smith’s day and up to right now with Russell M. Nelson, there are policies that we don’t understand.  This isn’t unique to me.  This is constant throughout the history of man.

    In my opinion, it is okay to question.  The restoration started with a question.  We must be careful with doubt.  Doubt can be a part of faith; in fact, it is a part of faith.  If there weren’t some small part of doubt, it wouldn’t be faith.  It would be something known.  What we must be sure of is that our faith is stronger than our doubt.

    The third thing I’ve always known but have learned to truly appreciate is that our testimony must be based on something sure.  If our testimony is based on Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon, it will all work out. 

    My testimony is built on something much bigger than any policy. 

    My testimony is built on Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith being a prophet of God, and the Book of Mormon being an inspired and true translation of an ancient book, given to us by God’s hand.  I know these things because I’ve prayed about them.  I know these things because I’ve felt them.  Some recent archaeological discovery is not going to dissuade me from the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.  I won’t let some recent finding by society make me doubt things of God.

    I refuse to let my testimony of the important things be shaken by a policy. We must do our best not to get hung up on a moment.   I can’t fully comprehend eternity but I still try to put things into an eternal perspective. The bigger picture is that God guides this church.  It doesn’t mean our issues, doubts, and questions will be resolved today, next week, next month, or even in this life.  But it will get resolved.  I know that.  And if you’re experiencing a faith crisis I would suggest praying.  Don’t always ask for your question to get answered or for it to be “resolved” by your definition.  Ask for peace.  And then be willing to accept that peace and move on.  That’s important.  You will receive peace.  But if you dwell and dwell and dwell on the doubt the peace will leave, Satan will win back his portion.  Have faith that your question will be answered at some point and move forward.  I know that’s easier said than done in many instances. 

    There are so many things I don’t understand.  Faith comes with the hope that I’ll one day understand. 

    I think that’s the lesson to take from this.  God is watching.  He loves us.  Things will work the way they need to.  When we get ourselves worked up, worried, concerned, frustrated, even angry, He can speak peace to our souls if we seek it.  He can speak peace to our souls even if we don’t know how desperately we need it. 

    I’ll end with a quote I heard from a recent meditation:

    “If we can accept that life has changed even though it’s hard, if we can surrender to the fact that all we can do is move on then we won’t experience the same level of stress we would have had we resisted our circumstances.  And if we can remind ourselves that this pain we’re feeling will change, that it will soften… we’ll heal and feel joy again much sooner.  So, in times when there’s nothing that we can do to change our circumstances, in times we feel stressed and uncertain and overwhelmed, the most kind and compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to surrender to what is.”

    I would add, surrender to God.  If we surrender to Him, He will take care of us.