No Coincidences

Tag: Advice

  • Holier Than Thou

    Holier Than Thou

    *I wrote the below in 2022. I don’t remember what made me write the below. I don’t know what I was so frustrated about. That frustration comes out in what I wrote. I hopen no one ever thinks I think I’m better than anyone because I go to church. That might be one of the hardest things about coming back to church. Everyone thinks you’re different. And you are, I guess. I guess that’s part of change.

    How do you make life changes without making others feel like you now think you’re better than them?

    How do you give advice to others if they think you’re just criticizing them?

    How do you be religious without making others feel judged? 

    How do you share church, and religion, and life changes without sounding like you think you’re right because you’ve found the right way, when you do think you’re right because you do think you’ve found a better way?

    Have I come across this way?

    I guess the answer is mostly – you can’t control what people think. You can only control yourself.

    If someone feels judged because you’ve changed, and you’re happy about your changes, and you want to share it, how do you stop that? I don’t think you can. 

    The former alcoholic that is proud to share their 1-year chip and how healthy they are compared to 366 days ago – to the current alcoholic that person can seem self-righteous. 

    The person who now goes to church every week and invites friends comes across as holier than thou aka obnoxious because they’ve found God again. But everyone remembers the monster they used to be, and maybe, because of that past remembrance, can’t take them seriously. 

    I’ve found that giving advice to others can often be a lose-lose. 

    Either  

    1. They say, “You never did xyz so you don’t understand.”

    Or 

    1. They say, “Well you did it, who are you to talk?” 

    I recently gave such advice and fell into category 2. Advice lovingly given. How do you express that it’s lovingly given? 

    I always think if you do something with love in your heart, your intentions will be understood. That’s not real life. The purest intentions from others to give me advice when I didn’t want to hear it was never received well by me.

    I guess that’s the nature and problem of life.

    How do you live religiously in a non-religious world?

    Is this a self-righteous post? I don’t know.

    It might be the closest to a rant that I’ve ever given in writing.

    Oh I how I look forward to having kids who think I’ve never lived life and that I know nothing about what they’re going through. I’m sorry, parents, for always thinking that. Now I get it. And I know I’ll get it more when I have teenagers. 

  • A Wife Who: Message to my 22-year-old self

    A Wife Who: Message to my 22-year-old self

    Find yourself a wife that is kind, caring, and good.

    Find someone you know will be a good mother not by any one action or by any words but by their being; who they are.

    Find someone who will love, uplift, and support you through everything you want to accomplish.

    Here’s an important one: find someone that will love you conditionally. The world says to find someone that loves you unconditionally. That’s too easy. Where is the growth and progression in being loved unconditionally? Find someone who wants you to improve and be better as much as you yourself want to improve and be better.

    Find someone who also wants to be better.

    When two people independently want to be stronger and better, they collectively become stronger and better.

    As important as someone who loves you conditionally, find someone who loves the Lord unconditionally. Find someone who has a testimony of what is important in this life. While the world moves and shakes, find someone with a foundation. So that if ever your foundation becomes weak, you have someone whose foundation is strong.

    Keep your foundation strong for that person as well, so that they can rely on you when their foundation needs shoring up.

    Find someone who wants God to be a part of your life, family, and home. If God is in your home, your home can never fail.

    Find someone with faith. Find someone with devotion. Find someone you can trust.

  • RIP Coach

    RIP Coach

    I often think about the people God put around me in my life.  I’m obviously not the center of the universe, but sometimes, when I think about all those who have looked out for me throughout my life, it’s hard not to feel like that.

    There’s an individual in my life who played a critical role at two of the most important junctures in my life.  He was a dear friend, coach, mentor. 

    What’s so funny is, Coach Gonzalez never actually coached me.  Jessie Gonzalez was the athletic director at my high school.  Coach Gonzalez got close with most of the teams he looked over as athletic director.  The basketball program was no exception.

    My senior year at Cimarron we went to a tournament in Hawaii.  Coach Gonzalez came on that trip to “watch” us, or chaperone, I guess.  On that trip, Coach Gonzalez went from Coach Gonzalez to Gonzo, or just Coach.

    Gonzo looked out for me throughout high school.  Many don’t know this now, but I needed a lot of looking out for at that time. 

    I had bonded with Gonzo a bit on the Hawaii trip, but he wasn’t someone I would have considered a close friend or confidant.  That is until I really, really needed someone to talk to.  Then he was there, at the most difficult time of my life.  Somehow, for reasons I won’t understand until I see the bigger picture, Gonzo was the phone call I made.  He helped me through some very difficult things. I look forward to speaking to God, and Him showing me how critical that moment was.  I look forward to seeing why Gonzo was there at that precise moment, and why God made sure I reached out to him.

    We stayed in loose contact as I left high school.

    Gonzo had a few of us he took under his wing and looked out for.  I felt truly blessed to be “one of his boys.”

    After high school, this fascinating thing happened where the roles Gonzo played in my life morphed.  He went from 100% mentor to 50% mentor and 50% friend.  Gonzo was only 11 years older than me.  Not that many years, in the grand scheme. 

    In 2015 I went to a birthday party in Houston.  It was a relative of Gonzo’s and made no sense for me to be there.  It was really just an excuse to go to Houston and see Gonzo, who had moved to Michigan, and I hadn’t seen since high school.  That trip is so memorable.  I’m not going to elaborate any further.  During that trip Gonzo stayed a 50% mentor but also became one of my closest friends, a lifelong friend.

    The second, extremely critical cross roads in my life-  I was trying to return to church.  Who did I turn to?  Who talked me through a year plus of difficulty, repentance, trials, temptations, questions, doubts, uncertainties?  Countless hours were spent on the phone with him.  He was going to see me through.

    Gonzo isn’t a member of my church.  He’s a member of a grander organization.  He’s a brother and an angel that was here to look over me and guide me.  I’m not sure I’d be an active member of my church today without his guidance. That was the power of Coach.  He didn’t need to be a member of my church to help me with something so important.  He only needed to listen, love me, help me.

    Another moment I’ll never forget, I was only a couple months into trying to return into activity in the Church.  Satan was hard at work in those first months.  I could go on and on about what he put before me during those months.

    One of those temptations was a staycation at my favorite place at the time, Talking Sticks Resort.  I was still playing poker.  During this weekend that TSR gave me a free suite to stay in, there was a huge summer pool party.  My room overlooked the pool, of course.

    Imagine me for a moment.  Just a couple months into not drinking.  Here I am at Talking Stick Resort, in a super nice room, overlooking a pool filled with beautiful people and all my temptations.  I was literally in the great and spacious building.  I had alcohol in the fridge.  For those who don’t know this feeling, I can’t describe the pull.  I don’t have words to describe the need to drink alcohol, go to the pool, let myself fully embrace this staycation.

    I had worked so hard.  I was going to church and making good choices.  Surely, I could give myself this one weekend, right?

    I was going to drink and join this party.  There was really no doubt.  As much as I told myself I wouldn’t, I was going to. 

    I can’t remember if I called him.  There’s a chance he called me.  I talked to Coach Gonzo.  In true Jessie fashion, he didn’t tell me not to drink.  He talked me through it.  He told me it was a choice I had to make.  He reminded me how hard I’d worked to return to church and stop drinking.

    Then, almost nonchalantly, as if an afterthought, Coach said the most critical thing.  He said, “You can drink and get wild and crazy, but man, after not drinking for as long as you’ve gone, tomorrow is going to suck.  That hangover is going to be bad.  Hangover aside, how are you going to feel about yourself in the morning?”

    That was all I needed to hear.

    For those wondering, I did join the pool party.  I hung out, walked around.  I didn’t embrace the party.  I owe Jessie, Coach, Gonzo for that.  I may owe him my now 5 years of sobriety.

    Jessie Gonzalez left this stage of his coaching journey 6/8/21.  He had some new people to coach and mentor, and he couldn’t do that here.  I will miss him dearly.  I already wonder who I will turn to when I need to be guided through the next trial.  Part of me thinks he could move on because he already got me to the point where I can take care of myself.  Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need him anymore. The greater and more comforting truth is that you always need a mentor and friend like Gonzo, and he’s still there for me, more than ever now.

    He was light.  And he was joy.  Nobody brought together a room like him. 

    He protected me from harm while here, both physically and spiritually.

    I thought of something interesting last night.  It hit me that Gonzo likely, just recently, had his life review.  It brought me so much joy to think of him getting to see all the good he had done.  I considered him getting to see every moment he impacted me and how big a role he played in my life.  I thought about the net of goodness and light he spread while he was here.

    It brought a smile to my face to know that he got to see his Savior.  He was embraced, and loved, and free from the difficulties of this world.

    He can coach in purity now, for, a purer heart there never was. 

    I miss him a lot now. Though I can’t hear his voice or see his face, he’ll continue to be with me, coaching from above. I look forward to the reunion.

    I love you Jessie, Coach, Gonzo, and I thank you for all you did for me.

  • The Social Dilemma (Netflix)

    The Social Dilemma (Netflix)

    What is truth?

    How do we know?

    If you haven’t watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix, watch it as soon as possible.  Could end up being the most important documentary of our generation.  Given that we are the generation of documentaries, that would make it the most important documentary ever.

    Why is this documentary important?  Because it’s real and it’s happening now. 

    What will be the downfall of America?  Have we given Civil War enough consideration?

    Let’s do a quick thought experiment.  What happens if Donald Trump wins the election this November?  There will be 165 million mad people.  Mad enough, maybe, to protest, riot, and maybe fight.

    What happens if Joe Biden wins the election in November?  There will be 165 million mad people.  Mad enough, maybe, to protest, riot, and maybe fight.

    Of course, 165 million people is an exaggeration because not everybody is this passionate, or angry, or inflamed about the upcoming election.

    Let’s call the number 30 million on each side.  Sound much better?

    Why is this happening?  Why are people always so angry?

    There is an increasing gap between what we would deem the “center.”  Center of anything.  Not overly passionate about one side or the other.  I’m not just talking about politics.  I’m talking about anything.  The middle is gone.  The “hear the other side,” “hear them out,” “hear their opinions,” are disappearing.  We’re turning into a world of people who think we know everything while not knowing anything.

    So much from The Social Dilemma gave me an intense feeling of anxiety.  One statistic mentioned was that a study showed lies are spread on the internet/social media 6 times more quickly than truths.  What happens if a lie always has a 6x head start on the truth?  What happens is what we’re seeing happen.  Contention.  Hatred.  Vitriol.  Anger.  Confusion.  Aggression.  Fighting.

    This brings me to the most important point.

    What is truth?

    Can we even know what truth is?

    Truth is a concept society is starting to wonder exists.  How do we find something our society is starting to believe is a myth?

    This is where I turn off all my non-religious friends, but I would ask my non-religious friends:  What is your truth?  What do you turn to when everything around you is chaos, and confusion, and darkness?

    I don’t say this to spread the divide more.  I say this to invite others to find truth and make that truth love-based at all costs. 

    I love God because He loved me first.

    What is truth?

    God is truth. 

    He’s my truth.  Maybe He isn’t yours.  But you must find a truth to hold to dearly.  This truth must be centered on love.  We’ve seen what hate-filled “truth” results in.

    How do we survive in an age of disinformation?

    What do we do to protect ourselves?

    I think first we follow all the suggestions given during the credits of The Social Dilemma documentary.  I will list those here and then add my own suggestions.

    1. Uninstall apps from your phone that waste your time.
      • Hint: most of them.
    2. Turn off notifications.  Especially for anything that vibrates your leg that doesn’t provide an immediate and important alert you need to see at that moment.
    3. Use a search engines besides Google.
    4. Never watch a video recommended to you anywhere:  Facebook, Youtube, etc.  If it’s not something you went there to search for and to watch, just don’t watch it.
      • Wayyyyy easier said than done (but let’s all try!)
    5. Use a Chrome extension to remove recommendations.  Below are some options.
    6. Before you share anything online, fact check, consider the source, do the extra research (make sure it is GOOD).
      • If it looks like it’s designed to push your emotional buttons, it probably is.  Don’t share it.
    7. You vote with your clicks.  If you click on clickbate you’re perpetuating the problem.  Reward GOOD material.
    8. Get different kinds of information.
      • If you are on Twitter, add people who have different opinions from you.
      • Talk to people in the real world about real issues.
      • When you find enough people in the real world to talk to, delete your Twitter.
    9. Delete the social media accounts you really don’t need, that you don’t feel are healthy, that are taking you away from life.  Delete it and embrace the freedom!
    10. Get out of the system.
    11. The World is beautiful.  Live.

    For Families:

    1. Don’t give devices to your children.  Don’t allow them on social media.  Just don’t.
    2. Minimal screen time.
      • Set a limit and stick to it.  It was suggested to ask your child what they think is a good amount of time to spend looking at a screen each day.  Your child will often give a reasonable response.
      • Create that limit and then give rewards for going under it.  Set a 7 hour per week limit for screen time and your child spent 6 hours?  1-hour reward is a bowling trip or mini golf outing.  I used to love incentives like these as a kid.  I hope kids still do.
    3. No devices in the bedroom a set amount of time before bedtime. This will also help with sleep because you’re removing blue light which signals to your brain that it’s time to wind down.
      • Here’s a suggestion – read a book instead of your phone!
    4. Treat Social Media how Latter-day Saints treat dating – not before 16.

    Here are my suggestions.  If you can- delete it all.  Just do it.  I can almost promise you’ll feel better within a couple weeks, after the withdrawals stop.

    Me personally, I have a Facebook.  I use it so I can share my blog.  It’s good to have.  I see the use.  I’m working on limiting my scrolling down my timeline to zero and especially not watching suggested videos in my feed.  Suggested videos inevitably lead me to watching video after video of garbage material.

    Another thing that has helped me a ton has been moving the Facebook app from my main page.  I have it on page two.  That way I’m not constantly slapped in the face by that addictive, dopamine-igniting red alert symbol.  I have my Gospel Library on my home screen and if I find myself instinctively (or robotically) looking at my phone I do my best to open the scriptures and read those instead. 

    I understand all these things are easier said than done.  It’s not easy to delete social media.  It’s not easy, I get it.  I’m right there with you.  Technology is so good.  It can be used for so much good.  Why don’t we start using it for good again? 

    That brings me to my last point.

    My final and most important point.  What can we do to make a difference:  Share GOOD stuff. 

    Emphasis on GOOD MATERIAL.

    By good material I don’t mean you like it, or it tickled your fancy.  I mean it is GOOD.  It is wholesome.  It is kind.  It doesn’t make you explosively emotional but makes you feel gentle in your emotions. I mean good as in the good guided by the spirit.  I mean good as in loving.  I mean good as in spreading positivity. 

    I’m guilty like everyone else.  I see a post from the Church, and I scroll right through.  The AI (artificial intelligence) involved sees that (how scary is that?!).  They know I scrolled quickly past something GOOD.  We each need to make a conscious effort to spend time on the good stuff.  Read the good stuff.  Watch the good stuff.  If you don’t have good stuff on your Facebook timeline, use AI for good!  Go to google and search for Jesus Christ, the scriptures, conference talks, missionary messages.  You know how when you search for that cute new jacket for winter and there are suddenly cute winter jackets on your timeline?  Works the same way for good stuff.  Search for good stuff.  You’ll see more good stuff.  Spend more time with the good stuff. 

    This is how we can combat and fight the echo chamber of hatred.  This is how we remove political polarization.  This is how we remove lies.

    In the steps above I mentioned fact-checking what you share.  How about this? Spiritually check what you share.  Stop.  Say a prayer.  Ask yourself if what you’re sharing is spreading goodness, positivity, or love. If not, it can be deleted.

    I often pray before I write, and I often pray before I share what I write.  I always hope what I write is guided by something bigger and better than me. 

    Spiritually check everything you do online.  Is this making me a better person?  No.  Get it out of here.  Could this make someone’s day, bring a smile, alter someone for the better – SHARE IT. 

    This is what we can do.  This is how we can make a difference.

    I don’t ever say like and share on my blog posts because it’s become such a stupid thing to say.  But we need to say it for the things that deserve it.  Maybe we should change it to “LIKE AND SHARE GOODNESS.”

    So, if you think this was worth reading, did something positive for you, or helped you in any way, please share it.

    We can all do our part by sharing goodness.

    You can join the discussion and learn more about the Social Dilemma documentary at TheSocialDilemma.com

    I think this is important and I think it should be something we all start thinking about.  Let’s start thinking about it.  Let’s start doing our part.