No Coincidences

Tag: atonement

Drugs

*Author’s note: I asked Beth to proofread this before sharing. I put off posting it for weeks because of my hesitation in sharing something like this about my past. Beth’s response, “Why wouldn’t you share it? It’s what got you here.”

“Cocaine takes your soul.” A statement I heard a while back on a podcast.

I’ve long wanted to write a “drugs” post, but I haven’t known how to approach it. It was a big step for me to start sharing publicly about how I used to drink. Now I use my past experiences with drinking to understand the struggles others can have because I’ve been there. It makes me really uncomfortable to share something like, “I used to do drugs.” Vulnerability, uncertainty at how people I love will take this information, Ivy reading this one day… Admitting something like that was never something I thought I’d do. But Beth’s comment was right. Those choices led to where I am today, so why not share it? If I’ve truly changed, why do those past decisions matter that much? If I truly believe Christ has washed away my sins through His Atonement, what am I hiding? Maybe somebody can benefit from my experience.

So, before I continue, let’s get this part out of the way: All my LDS friends and family take your moment to *gasp. All my college friends and family take your laugh (that some of my friends and family never knew this about me).

I bounced back and forth with writing a generic, boring post about how drugs are bad. Really, we’ve heard that before. What can really make a difference, I think, is my personal experience with drugs. In the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), along with other churches, I think talking about past drinking or drug use is pretty taboo. It’s like many other topics I want to write about and haven’t yet addressed. Where I come from, how I was raised, I kind of adhere to the ‘pretend like it doesn’t exist’ camp. Drugs? How about we not discuss it.

But then recently my 13-year-old brother mentioned a kid coming to his soccer practice clearly high. First thought, “My youngest brother is exposed to weed already????” Then I realized, he’s 13, of course he’s exposed to it. I know a lot of kids that started experimenting with drugs at 13. It’s crazy to think my youngest brother is 13. It’s crazier more to realize it when he talks about the drug use around him. Drug use is happening. In the world we live in today, it’s more prevalent than ever. If we stick our head in the ground, refuse to talk to our kids about it, and pretend like it’s not happening, someone else is talking to them about it. News flash parents: Your most sheltered latter-day saint babies have seen, heard of, been around, and maybe even experienced drug use.

If I was seeing it in 2003 (I’m old), you better believe 13-year-olds are seeing it in 2021. Recently I drove down a street in Las Vegas near my old home. A street I’d driven down many times. I did a double take when I passed what I can only describe as a big, bright, pot emporium. Drugs are becoming mainstream. A scary thought.

So what are my experiences with drugs?

First let me say, I was lucky that drugs never quite became like alcohol for me. I don’t think drugs ever controlled me the way alcohol did. I think part of that is luck in never trying the wrong substance. There was a time when I was on a precarious cliff, one wrong step could have led to debilitating and life destroying addiction.

I’m going to try my best to be as ambiguous as possible about my drug use for obvious reasons. By that I mean, I’m not going to tell you what drugs I have done (it’s not many). But sometimes I may be clear about drugs I haven’t done. For example, I never tried cocaine. I had to say that since you’ve probably been wondering that since you read the first line.

What’s my experience?

From a very young age I was aggressively opposed to any substance I believed was bad. Legend has it I used to pour out my mom’s Coca Cola’s. Growing up I always said I would never drink alcohol. When asked I would say it was due to my faith and the Word of Wisdom. The Word of Wisdom, for those who don’t know, is guidance provided by the Lord to Joseph Smith in 1833 about what should and should not be put into the body. Over the years the Word of Wisdom, as followed by many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has adapted and changed. This is a natural occurrence. Joseph Smith wasn’t yet warned about vape pens and methamphetamines in the 1830s. I encourage everyone who wants to learn more to read Doctrine and Covenants Section 89.

My excuse for not drinking or partaking in drugs was always the Word of Wisdom. Like I said, from a very young age I remember taking that guidance very seriously. As I grew up, and my church activity waned, that excuse changed to, “I’m an athlete.” In high school “no thanks” seldomly worked. You needed a reason. Similar to Happy Hours across the country today, most of the time you can’t just say no.

So what happened when I had neither? What happened when my church activity was zero and I was no longer an athlete after high school? It’s amazing how soon after losing those two identities that I waivered on this principle I had stuck so firmly to.

I still remember my first sip of alcohol. It was a big moment. We laugh at the joke that meth addiction starts with one puff or one sip, but doesn’t it? Of course, there are exceptions, but would someone who has never had a sip of alcohol try a harder, more dangerous substance? Usually not.

What happened after I’d taken one sip? Well, my excuses of church and basketball were no longer existent, I no longer had my shield against peer pressure. It’s no wonder when I went off to college for the first time I started drinking, then trying other stuff.

I was never a big drug user, as previously stated. Most of what I tried wouldn’t even be considered drugs by most people today. That’s the problem though, isn’t it? Drugs are drugs. Marijuana is a drug. It is habit forming, it changes your focus, it changes what you care about, and ultimately it changes you.

I had some extremely, extremely scary experiences with drugs. The last time for a particular substance I said would be the last time I’d try anything. Being stuck in your mind is a terrifying thing, there is no escape. These substances are mind-altering. Sometimes they’re mind entrapping.

This is the point I want to get across and I think is important. It’s the point I make to anyone who asks about certain drugs or drug use. You almost never know what you’re putting into your body and it’s often from a sketchy source. What happens when you can’t escape your mind and you think something will never end? I had a friend once tell me he considered killing himself one time during a particularly bad drug experience. My thought was, “why would you put that in your body????” Then, years later I had that something in my body. If it wasn’t for very trusted and caring friends being around me to calm me down, who knows what could have happened. Never before in my life had jumping off a balcony crossed my mind. It did that day. Drugs are not a joke. This is the message, more than anything I’d like to get across.

I consider myself lucky that I avoided most of the more dangerous and addictive substances out there. I never touched a cigarette. I was too afraid it would become a habit. That fear kept me from putting myself in a dangerous position with many other drugs. I was always afraid of man-made, synthetic substances. I was raised to believe that man was conspiring against my freedom (D&C 89:4) and I believe that might have saved my life.

How am I with drugs today?

When I had my accident, they tried to prescribe me some sort of Oxy something or another pain medication. I refused. I got over the counter Advil and avoided taking that as much as I could. I saw too many friends almost kill themselves over those pills. I hope I can avoid ever touching one.

Today I’ve cut out drugs, alcohol, caffeine, and juice. Yes, juice. I feel happier and healthier for it. I see coworkers come into the office and walk like zombies to the coffee machine first thing in the morning. I’ve never had that crutch and I never will.

People talk about the Word of Wisdom like it takes away your freedom. My experience tells me that drugs and alcohol, and yes, even caffeine take away our freedom, not expand it. How many people can’t start their day without coffee? How many people can’t start their weekend without liquor? How many people are enslaved by substance abuse?

I am so grateful for my upbringing and the protection I had against these dangerous substances in my life. Even when I dabbled, I escaped the direst consequences. I was lucky. Why chance it? I’m happier today than I’ve ever been now that I depend on no substance for that happiness. The Word of Wisdom is a protection and despite my slip-ups through my growth, it did protect me, and I’m grateful for it.

November 18, 2021
Letter to a Lost Testimony

Someone close to me once said, “I hope you never lose your testimony. I’ve lost almost everything in life. I’ve lost a wife, jobs, money, houses, cars, friends; but none of it, none of it, compares to losing my testimony. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.”

This person, I’m very close with, I love him very much. This person has completely “fallen away” from the Church, as we say.

He is a great person.

I could have been him.

I could have gotten confused by doctrine, church history, and the plethora of other things to get confused by. I could have lost sight of the most important thing – Jesus Christ. It could happen to any of us.

I’ve long thought and pondered to myself ‘how can I help him return?’ Maybe I’m starting to learn I can maybe help him return, but I won’t be able to make him return. I’ve thought about lectures on DNA, elephants, steel, and horses. I’m prepared to discuss it all. But in the end that doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. The Book of Mormon will have its day. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is the Christ.

Getting into the discussions that led him away from the church – DNA, horses, elephants – that’s not going to help him return. Only the spirit, which I know he once felt, can help him return.

So, here is my letter to you. This is to a particular person in my life, but I think it can apply to so many people, to so many lives.

Thank you. Thank you for that quote you told me once above. I think about it often. Thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being an example to me. Thank you for reminding me that Christ’s Church is sometimes only as good as we make it. Thank you for encouraging me to read, and study, and KNOW it’s true. Your study of the gospel is legendary. I’ve heard of it not just from others. I know you studied. At some point you were deceived. No more flattering words or trying to softly deliver this message to your ego. You were deceived.

It’s not too late. It’s not too late to remember. It’s not too late to regain your testimony. You talk as if a testimony, once lost, can never return. As if you know too much and you can’t go back. I’m here to remind you, as I know God has over the past decades, that you know nothing. Try to read again, please. That’s all I ask. If only to prove me wrong. I know where peace comes from, and I want to remind you.

I know maybe The Church isn’t for everybody in this life. Or maybe that’s something I think so I don’t feel as bad when I can’t help someone see what I see and find the peace I’ve found. I know you’re happy. I know you’re OK. But I also know you can come back to so much more.

Finally, you were and are a good dad. You made mistakes. Your children love you immensely, I know that. Don’t ever confuse your mistakes to be unforgivable. I know life as a father isn’t always perfect. You have children as stubborn and as difficult as you are (I’m looking at all of you). Another thing you said about my dad has stuck with me since you said it roughly 9 years ago. I am lucky to have him, but I want to remind you that your family is lucky to have you too. We’re all lucky to have you.

I love you and so does He.

August 12, 2021
A Scripture as important to Latter-day Saints as it would be to the Ancient Jews

One of my favorite scriptures of all time is 2 Nephi 25:26 which reads:

And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophesies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

A common criticism that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints receives from other sects of Christianity, often Protestant groups, is that the Church teaches works as a form of salvation taking precedence over faith.

As I read the Book of Mormon with this criticism in mind, I’m struck by how clearly the Book of Mormon teaches this principle – that faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is (as far as I know, open to correction) the only church with an explanation on how faith in Jesus Christ alone can result in being saved.

Saved, or immortality, is different from Eternal life and salvation. All of God’s children who choose to be saved, will be saved, for He loves us all. You can be saved by simply having faith in Jesus Christ, no works needed. To attain all that the Father has to give, eternal life and salvation in His Kingdom for eternity, you must follow Him, and do what He asks of you. For without works faith is dead (James 2:26).

Sometimes I think the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints would be benefitted immensely by reading verses 26 and 27 of 2 Nephi chapter 25 every single day. I think if we each did this, it would help us to re-orient ourselves and never lose sight of what is most important – faith in the Lord, or Savior, Jesus Christ.

The below scripture is what I am referring to in the title of this post. This scripture is as important to latter-day saints today as it was to the ancient Jews:

Wherefore, we speak concerning the law that our children may know the deadness of the law; and they, by knowing the deadness of the law, may look forward unto that life which is in Christ, and know for what end the law was given. And after the law is fulfilled in Christ, that they need not harden their hearts against him when the law ought to be done away.”
2 Nephi 25:27

I believe this scripture to be extremely important to latter-day saints. The ancient Jews lost sight of Jesus Christ. They looked to the law for salvation.

I bear my testimony that I do not believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has lost sight of Jesus Christ. His name is the name of our church, His prophet has implored us to use His name, our leaders preach of Jesus Christ, prophesy of Jesus Christ, teach of Jesus Christ, emphasize Jesus Christ. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints points us to Jesus Christ.

It is we, the members, I think, that need to read verse 27 often. What is the law without Jesus Christ? I fear that sometimes church members become focused on the wrong things. Temple attendance for temple attendance’s sake. Church service because it’s their duty. Serving in church callings to keep up appearance as a faithful latter-day saint. Partaking of the sacrament in a rote, mindless manner, not considering what it really means.

I know I am at fault when it comes to some of the things I’ve just listed. Sometimes I lose sight of Jesus Christ. Sometimes I lose sight of what this is all really about.

I’ve been back in church activity for 5 years now. My first couple years of returned church activity were so Christ focused. They were Christ focused because it was all I had. He was all I had. He was my strength, and He was everything. I felt His forgiveness so potently because I’d so recently experienced it with such power. As my church activity has steadied and become consistent, I’ve found myself relying on church activities, social events, friendships, and making my appearance as a faithful member. These things aren’t necessarily bad, but they can be. If they distract from Jesus Christ, they distract from the point. If I get distracted from Jesus Christ, I am missing the mark.

What is the law without faith in He who the law points to?

I think we could all benefit from a consistent study of verse 2 Nephi 25:27.

Why do we do what we do? Is it for love? Is it to serve Jesus Christ? Is it to remember Jesus Christ, worship Jesus Christ, thank Jesus Christ?

When is the last time you thought about all your sins and what Jesus Christ did for you at Gethsemane and on the cross? For me, it’s been far too long since I’ve been brought to tears considering that event. I’m glad I’m writing this because in doing exactly that, remembering what He’s done for me, and feeling it in my heart, tears are inevitable.

Remember why we go to church, the temple, and serve. It’s for Him. Not because we have to but because we want to. Not because it will get us into heaven but because we love Him. Salvation is through Jesus Christ. If we go to the temple 5 days a week without Him in mind, we are wasting our time.

Without Jesus Christ, all of it: temple worship, baptism, sacrament, service; it’s all for naught. All these things point to Him. Without Him as our focus all the items listed above are dead works.

This is the misconception of other faiths, that we go to the temple to substitute for Jesus Christ. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. We go to the temple because of Jesus Christ.

I think every once in a while, it’s important we re-center our focus and remember what it’s all about.

I hope and pray that we continue to steadfastly talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach of Christ, prophesy of Christ, and bring others unto Christ, that we always remember to what source we may look for a remission of our sins.

August 5, 2021
RIP Coach

I often think about the people God put around me in my life. I’m obviously not the center of the universe, but sometimes, when I think about all those who have looked out for me throughout my life, it’s hard not to feel like that.

There’s an individual in my life who played a critical role at two of the most important junctures in my life. He was a dear friend, coach, mentor.

What’s so funny is, Coach Gonzalez never actually coached me. Jessie Gonzalez was the athletic director at my high school. Coach Gonzalez got close with most of the teams he looked over as athletic director. The basketball program was no exception.

My senior year at Cimarron we went to a tournament in Hawaii. Coach Gonzalez came on that trip to “watch” us, or chaperone, I guess. On that trip, Coach Gonzalez went from Coach Gonzalez to Gonzo, or just Coach.

Gonzo looked out for me throughout high school. Many don’t know this now, but I needed a lot of looking out for at that time.

I had bonded with Gonzo a bit on the Hawaii trip, but he wasn’t someone I would have considered a close friend or confidant. That is until I really, really needed someone to talk to. Then he was there, at the most difficult time of my life. Somehow, for reasons I won’t understand until I see the bigger picture, Gonzo was the phone call I made. He helped me through some very difficult things. I look forward to speaking to God, and Him showing me how critical that moment was. I look forward to seeing why Gonzo was there at that precise moment, and why God made sure I reached out to him.

We stayed in loose contact as I left high school.

Gonzo had a few of us he took under his wing and looked out for. I felt truly blessed to be “one of his boys.”

After high school, this fascinating thing happened where the roles Gonzo played in my life morphed. He went from 100% mentor to 50% mentor and 50% friend. Gonzo was only 11 years older than me. Not that many years, in the grand scheme.

In 2015 I went to a birthday party in Houston. It was a relative of Gonzo’s and made no sense for me to be there. It was really just an excuse to go to Houston and see Gonzo, who had moved to Michigan, and I hadn’t seen since high school. That trip is so memorable. I’m not going to elaborate any further. During that trip Gonzo stayed a 50% mentor but also became one of my closest friends, a lifelong friend.

The second, extremely critical cross roads in my life- I was trying to return to church. Who did I turn to? Who talked me through a year plus of difficulty, repentance, trials, temptations, questions, doubts, uncertainties? Countless hours were spent on the phone with him. He was going to see me through.

Gonzo isn’t a member of my church. He’s a member of a grander organization. He’s a brother and an angel that was here to look over me and guide me. I’m not sure I’d be an active member of my church today without his guidance. That was the power of Coach. He didn’t need to be a member of my church to help me with something so important. He only needed to listen, love me, help me.

Another moment I’ll never forget, I was only a couple months into trying to return into activity in the Church. Satan was hard at work in those first months. I could go on and on about what he put before me during those months.

One of those temptations was a staycation at my favorite place at the time, Talking Sticks Resort. I was still playing poker. During this weekend that TSR gave me a free suite to stay in, there was a huge summer pool party. My room overlooked the pool, of course.

Imagine me for a moment. Just a couple months into not drinking. Here I am at Talking Stick Resort, in a super nice room, overlooking a pool filled with beautiful people and all my temptations. I was literally in the great and spacious building. I had alcohol in the fridge. For those who don’t know this feeling, I can’t describe the pull. I don’t have words to describe the need to drink alcohol, go to the pool, let myself fully embrace this staycation.

I had worked so hard. I was going to church and making good choices. Surely, I could give myself this one weekend, right?

I was going to drink and join this party. There was really no doubt. As much as I told myself I wouldn’t, I was going to.

I can’t remember if I called him. There’s a chance he called me. I talked to Coach Gonzo. In true Jessie fashion, he didn’t tell me not to drink. He talked me through it. He told me it was a choice I had to make. He reminded me how hard I’d worked to return to church and stop drinking.

Then, almost nonchalantly, as if an afterthought, Coach said the most critical thing. He said, “You can drink and get wild and crazy, but man, after not drinking for as long as you’ve gone, tomorrow is going to suck. That hangover is going to be bad. Hangover aside, how are you going to feel about yourself in the morning?”

That was all I needed to hear.

For those wondering, I did join the pool party. I hung out, walked around. I didn’t embrace the party. I owe Jessie, Coach, Gonzo for that. I may owe him my now 5 years of sobriety.

Jessie Gonzalez left this stage of his coaching journey 6/8/21. He had some new people to coach and mentor, and he couldn’t do that here. I will miss him dearly. I already wonder who I will turn to when I need to be guided through the next trial. Part of me thinks he could move on because he already got me to the point where I can take care of myself. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need him anymore. The greater and more comforting truth is that you always need a mentor and friend like Gonzo, and he’s still there for me, more than ever now.

He was light. And he was joy. Nobody brought together a room like him.

He protected me from harm while here, both physically and spiritually.

I thought of something interesting last night. It hit me that Gonzo likely, just recently, had his life review. It brought me so much joy to think of him getting to see all the good he had done. I considered him getting to see every moment he impacted me and how big a role he played in my life. I thought about the net of goodness and light he spread while he was here.

It brought a smile to my face to know that he got to see his Savior. He was embraced, and loved, and free from the difficulties of this world.

He can coach in purity now, for, a purer heart there never was.

I miss him a lot now. Though I can’t hear his voice or see his face, he’ll continue to be with me, coaching from above. I look forward to the reunion.

I love you Jessie, Coach, Gonzo, and I thank you for all you did for me.

June 10, 2021
The Trinity

I’m not going to cite a bunch of scriptures supporting my point. In my experience that does nothing because individual scriptures can be interpreted in a million different ways. Any scripture I give that seems clear as day to me to show God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost as three distinct personages is quickly explained away and followed up with another scripture that someone believes shows they are one being.

Instead of trying to convince anyone of this doctrine, I more want to give my thoughts on it. I also want to briefly discuss the importance of this doctrine and why I believe it has been so adamantly fought over throughout the centuries.

First, the “they are one” controversy with the many scriptural references is so easy for me to understand. They are one in intent and purpose, so they are one. Christ, when praying to His Father said, “let them be one, Father, as you and I are one.” (John 17:21-23) Why would Christ say this? Given the doctrine of the trinity, was Christ praying that his apostles would morph together into one super spiritual being? No, it doesn’t make sense. What Christ was praying for was literal. “Let them be one, as you and I are one” – in intent, purpose.

Second, what sense does a unified being make? I know we are human, and we don’t understand much of anything about the true nature of Heaven, of eternity, of what is next. I have faith in a lot, but I understand little. Maybe the next life is filled with multiple personality Gods and beings that I’m meant to worship. Maybe God can split into three personages. Maybe He did this to make us understand some deep, important principle. Maybe? Or maybe every person who counseled over this principle (the famous Nicene Creed) and ultimately came to a decision we follow hundreds of years later didn’t understand. God isn’t setting out to confuse us. He doesn’t want us to NOT comprehend Him. He wants us to know how much He loves us. He wants us to know He SENT His only begotten son, who also loves us. He wants us to know the Holy Spirit can be a constant companion to us. He doesn’t want to confuse us. He isn’t throwing out stumbling blocks all along the way to make things more difficult. This life isn’t intended to be a maze of confusion that we may be lucky to determine what God wants us to know. He wants us to seek Him and to seek truth. He WANTS us to understand. God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are three separate, distinct beings. I don’t know this (yet), but I have faith and hope that it’s true.

Joseph Smith saw them. That’s why that moment was so significant. They didn’t speak to Him from the clouds. They appeared in their bodies. To show him, “you are like us, and we are like you.” They have bodies of flesh and blood. Christ really came here, His Father’s Son, to attain a body and die for us. That principle is pure and beautiful.

Have you ever wondered why Christ ate fish and bread with the apostles after his resurrection? Why was that account included in the scriptures? The scriptures are full of important information, obviously. Why was this seemingly unimportant detail included? Not because Christ was trying to make His apostles comfortable. It was included because it was important. Christ was showing that He had a body. Just as we, when we are resurrected, will be resurrected with our bodies.

This brings me to the third point, exactly why this doctrine was fought so hard against for all of history. Satan is cunning. Satan knows what is and isn’t important to our salvation. With the fervor and aggression Satan has fought this doctrine with, it seems obvious to me how important it is. This doctrine is so important because the corruption of it distances us from our Heavenly Father. That is Satan’s great purpose. What greater way to distance us from our Father than corrupting His image into some unknowable, un-understandable, un-comprehendible being? It is the opposite of what God is. He knows us, He understands us, He comprehends us, and he wants us to understand Him. This bizarre trinity He’s been morphed into makes it so hard to communicate with Him. How do you communicate a triple being you can’t imagine? Not the same, personal way you can communicate with your own father. Not the way your loving Heavenly Father wants you to communicate with Him. A father that sent His only begotten Son to save the rest of His spirit children.

I wish I could be more eloquent on this topic. Of all topics I wish I had a poet’s or philosopher’s eloquence for, this is it. Because it’s important. But I’m not a poet or a philosopher. My words fall short of what I want to portray. I wish so much that everyone could know Heavenly Father the way I feel and know Him. He and Christ are so important to me. Combining them in one takes away one of the most important persons in my life.

This truth is eternal, and this truth is important.

To learn more about the truth of the Godhead, visit here:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/article/do-members-of-the-church-of-jesus-christ-believe-in-the-trinity

May 21, 2021