No Coincidences

Tag: blessing

  • The Chance of Faith

    The Chance of Faith

    One Sunday I was in my car with a friend, CJ Matthews.  We were driving after church to go do something.  I can’t remember what it was.  Visit someone or give a blessing or something that like.

    A few minutes into the drive I realized I was out of gas. I remembered I’d been out of gas since I left my home that morning to drive to church.  It was 20 minutes to our location. It would be 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back to CJ’s car. Then the drive home. No way I could make it without getting gas.

    Which Gasoline Should You Buy?
    Not me on a Sunday unless CJ is in the car.

    I informed CJ of our dilemma.  I let him know I wouldn’t be getting gas on a Sunday.  God would get us there and get us back.  If you could see the look on CJ’s face!  It was great.  His response, “Is God going to turn air into gasoline for you to return?  Pull over and get gas.  I’m not walking to a gas station.”

    I eventually complied with his request, though begrudgingly.  I had the faith that God would help us accomplish what we needed to accomplish without having to stop for gas.

    This is a topic my wife and I playfully debate often.  I try to say that I have no concern about my life or well-being.  If I’m meant to die, I will die when God needs me back and not a second sooner.  I joke often that the best way to die would be by lightning at the top of a mountain.  That would clearly indicate an urgent need God had for me to return and start serving Him on the other side.

    My wife is in the other school of thought.  She agrees with CJ.  Don’t put yourself in harm’s way.  Don’t put yourself at risk.  Don’t be stupid. Boring!  I’m inclined to be stupid. Sometimes I consider it my way of showing God I have faith. I know, my wife has already told me I’m stupid.

    Anyways.

    I’ve made this a joking introduction but it’s something I truly struggle with. 

    Where does faith end and wise action start?

    The principle is told in a story that I love and think about often.  The story goes like this, I’ll tell my version.

    Flood. Man on the roof of his house

    A great flood comes, and a man gets on top of the roof of his house.  A man comes by in a canoe.  “Hop in!”  he yells.  The man on the roof calmly tells him no thanks.  The water gets higher.  A couple in a boat comes by.  “Get in!  The water is rising!”  The man on the roof calmly denies the gesture and stays on his roof.  The water gets higher.  The man on the roof is close to being overtaken by the water.  A helicopter comes by and throws a rope down.  The man on the roof waves it away.

    The man on the roof is finally overtaken by the water and drowns.

    When in heaven he looks to God and asks, “I prayed the whole time I was on the roof.  Why didn’t you help me?”

    God replies, “I sent you a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter!  What else did you want from me?”

    I know what the scriptures tell us.  I know God wants wise servants.  I know he wants us to be prepared.  I know He wants us to work problems out in our minds and learn to problem solve.  I know we’re here to learn to make good choices. 

    But I also know we’re here to learn faith.  We’re here to learn obedience.  We’re here to learn to trust God.

    I hope I live my life with a firm belief that God will guide me wherever He needs me as long as I do my part.  I often joke about how God holds my hand and guides me to places, decisions, people.  I often joke how God has been there with me every step of the way.  He has blessed me in so many profound ways I can’t deny His loving guidance in every moment of my life.

    I know that God still wants me to do my part.

    So, I put my faith forward.  God will get me there!  Or does God put a gas station directly on my journey so I can get gas?  How often is God up there, exasperated, “I put the gas station right along the way!”  Or even better, “I put CJ and Beth around you to balance out your silly refusal to take care of yourself!”

    I wonder how often I’m turning away the canoe, boat, and helicopter.  I only hope I’m ultimately doing what God wants me to do.  I think that’s the best any of us can do.

  • House Pets

    House Pets

    Sometimes I look at my dog and think, “he wouldn’t last 5 minutes out in the real world.”  If he had to go out and hunt/scavenge for food and water, on his own, no chance.  Being cute getting someone to give him food and water would be his only chance at survival.  If that option is removed, he’s a goner.

    Look at this picture. It looks like he just ate a plate of strawberries and his afternoon plans are to lounge and get belly rubs.

    Exhibit A

    Granted, he is an 8-pound poodle/terrier mix.  He wasn’t bred to survive in the wild.  He was bred to be cute and to get people to give him stuff.  I’m just saying, removing that option = goner. 

    I can already hear the “big” dog owners.  “My dog would survive in the wild.  Yours is closer to a cat, mine still has some wolf instincts.”  OK.  Your golden retriever is not surviving a week in the wild without its cute factor, just the same as my poodle/terrier. 

    Golden Retriever Dog Birthday Photograph by Kathy Sidjakov
    Exhibit B

    My dog lives the most cushy life imaginable.  He sleeps all the time.  He wakes up and eats.  He sleeps some more.  He goes on walks.  Then he sleeps.  He plays.  He goes on bike rides.  At 9:30pm he stares me dead in the eyes and I know he’s saying, “You know good and well it’s time for bed.”

    It wasn’t until just recently that a very obvious and humbling fact slapped me right across the face.  I wouldn’t survive a week out in the wild.

    I was looking at my (adorable) little dog curled up on the bed, petting his soft hair, admiring how good he is, being jealous of how easy his life is, when I had that thought.  “You poor pathetic creature.  What would you do without me?”

    Who was I talking to?

    *Slap to the face.

    What would I do out in the wild?

    Here I was in my air-conditioned condo, with a giant Hydrapeak water bottle filled to the brim with ice cold water that I filled from my refrigerator.  That morning I’d poured Berry Colossal Crunch into a bowl, pulled a cold jug of milk from the refrigerator, and had cereal, like a proper grown man should do.  That morning I’d taken a piping hot shower.  I let the water run long enough so that it was plenty warm.  Cold shower?  No chance!  Running water came from a tap where I put a toothbrush I’d squeezed mint toothpaste onto to brush my teeth.  I then sat in a comfortable chair and worked at a computer. 

    Who was I to judge my dog?  I was living the same life my dog was!

    Put me out in the wild without food and water and tell me to figure it out.  Remove the option of me going to someone’s door and saying, “please feed me,” and I had no chance.

    I don’t think we take the time often enough to

    1. Stop and realize how blessed we are.
    2. Realize how pathetic we are.

    What would I do out in the wild without a can opener? Let alone having to hunt and find food?

    I’ve recently read a couple books about the old west.  A story I just read was about an 11-year-old boy who ran off with some Shoshone Indians (Native Americans).  He lived two years with them.  Eating buffalo meat.  Hunting rabbits.  Fishing for trout.  I was amazed at the life this boy lived just 170 years ago.

    Can you imagine if your ancestors could look at you now?  What a pathetic sight you would be.  Your great-great-great-great grandpa would marvel at your fancy light up information device and cans of food but would ask you, do you know how to hunt?  Do you know how to guide yourself by the stars?  Do you know how to survive without your pre-packaged meals and Uber eats? (Reminder- that great grandfather would be so perplexed by Uber eats).

    Can you imagine your great-great-great-great grandmother asking where you keep the chickens?  How do you grind the wheat for your bread?  (Do you grind wheat for bread??? I DON’T KNOW!)  Can you even cook without that radiation device that nuclearizes your food into something *edible?

    While modern advances are amazing, truly amazing; we have become so pathetic.

    That’s all.

    Just thought I would remind all of us of that.

    Next time you look at your house cat, little dog, big dog, or even your fish and scoff and say “you dumb and spoiled animal,” I hope you pause for a second and soak in the irony.

  • First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

    Beth and I have been married for 15 months.  If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine.  It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice.  But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020!  I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.

    First let me comment on the pandemic.  While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around.  Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us.  We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months.  It’s crazy to think about.  What’s even crazier is I love it.  It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her.  We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day.  That was great.  As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together.  It’s been nice. 

    It hasn’t been all roses and bliss.  While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations.  I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).

    Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in.  If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her.  I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that. 

    I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice.  This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking.  He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart.  He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return.  Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife.  You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.

    My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example.  He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return.  Christ served only to serve.  He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ.  Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ. 

    It hit me how dumb I’d been.  Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions.  I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.”  I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love.  It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married.  He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.”  I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.

    I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart.  Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home.  I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.

    Let me be clear about something.  I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point.  While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate.  I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws.  I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me.  I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her. 

    Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed.  Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration.  I have to stop myself and remember.  Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something?  No.  I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife.  She does so much around the house and does so much for me.  There’s no keeping score.  Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.

    The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel.  We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration.  It’s not always easy,  but it’s possible.  It’s what we’re here to learn.  We’re here to learn patience and love.  I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving. 

    I see a sad trend in our society and the world today.  We give up too easy.  Love and marriage aren’t easy.  If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding.  We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it.  It makes me sad.  Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life.  Too many people give up too quickly.  It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.

    I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life.  From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities.  I’m grateful for my marriage.  I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity.  I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die.  I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉.  (Just kidding!  Were you paying attention?  No brownie points!)

    I’ll conclude with a great quote.  The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley.  I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult. 

    “There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

    Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

    Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

  • Depression

    ** The following is a guest post written by my wife**

    It’s such a part of who I am and the course of my life, yet I’ve struggled to ever really discuss it with anybody aside from my therapists and maybe a few of my family members. Even then, I’m not sure I’ve ever really, openly discussed all the intricacies of my depression. It is difficult for me to completely explain the seemingly unexplainable. I’ve been plagued with a feeling of toxic perfectionism that doesn’t allow me to be vulnerable in letting others know that I may not lead a near-perfect life. Yet, as I’ve had loved ones seek to understand my condition, and others that suffer through depression around me seek someone to empathize with them, I’ve tried to bring myself to do it. Bit by bit, I’ve opened up. Sometimes in frustration, I just want to sum it up as “if you know, you know” and call it good. But that is not enough. Individuals, family members, institutions, others with depression need to know.

    So what does it really feel like? There’s no good, singular answer. I’ve labored over the answer to this question many times. For me, it is not a weight laying heavily on me. I don’t feel like the people in the commercials that have a dark rain cloud following over their head wherever they go. If I do feel glimpses of emotion, they are always lined with sadness and exhaustion. Most of the time though, it’s a feeling of nothing. Absolutely nothing. Emptiness. Darkness. Sometimes I cope by being super goofy so that I don’t have to feel nothingness for just a moment. It can be napping literally all day because, even with the guilt and self-loathing that comes with wasting an entire day, it’s better than facing that feeling of not feeling. And when I can get up, any attempt I make at getting anything done is overwhelmed by an extreme inability to focus on anything.

    My dad could always see when I was going through really bad depression. He said I never actually looked sad. In fact, I just looked dead behind the eyes. He said that out of sadness for me and with love. It came somewhat close to describing how I felt, or rather didn’t feel, in those times. Eventually, when you’re in the midst of a depressive episode, you begin to convince yourself that this is the new you. You will never be successful again. You will be a burden and failure for the rest of your life. I was very lucky to never feel like I wanted to end my life but, with feelings like that, it isn’t difficult for me to see how people get there.

    So why don’t you just get up? Go on a hike, play a game, talk to someone, you’ll feel better.

    While all of those suggestions can help, they often served as a constant reminder that I couldn’t even manage the most basic methods of self-care. It made me feel that people would never really understand. I continue to wonder why people really need to understand how it feels. I ask, can you still support me and sympathize with me even if you can’t understand? While that seems like a fair compromise, I still think I can try to help others get a glimpse of my perspective. We can meet in the middle.

    My message to loved ones wondering what they did wrong: You’ve done nothing to cause this. Even I’ve done nothing to cause this. Do not burden yourself with the feeling that you could have done something to stop me from having depression. What you can do is love. Sometimes that means lowering expectations for a while. Sometimes that means just learning to listen instead of feeling like you must come up with the solution. Sometimes that means you’re only able to say, “I love you and I want you here.”

    There is such a lack of support for mental health institutionally that I wouldn’t even attempt to address it in depth. But as each of us listen more and learn more we can be a solution. I remember in the worst of my depression I had to withdraw from an entire semester at Arizona State University. It was such a difficult process to navigate even if I had been fully healthy. You had to jump through numerous hoops, get that documentation, speak to this person, go here and there. I’m not sure I would have been able to do it without my parents there and some semblance of functionality. Even though I was privileged enough to get treated by a medical professional and continue to graduation, I’ll always have a “withdrawal” on my transcript. I felt pain and guilt about that for a long time. We need to understand better.

    While my depression has been well controlled for years now, it’s never truly gone. It can sneak in when I least expect it. I make sure to take my medication daily and be mindful of triggers and warning signs. I try to be vocal with my husband when I feel it creeping in. It causes me sometimes paralyzing fear. I’m sometimes afraid to do things I would like to do because I’m not sure when is the next time it will hit hard. I’m hesitant to take steps in my career, steps in building a family, and to make big commitments. I’ve had to learn how to continue with life without limiting myself. But I also must know when it’s time to take a step back and to accept that it’s okay that I don’t feel okay.

    A bout with depression is something that comes and goes. Sometimes it’s here for a few weeks, sometimes for years at a time. Maybe it will come back tomorrow or in 5 years. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that the pain we feel with depression is temporary. When I think of eternity, I know I’m capable of living past this painful moment. I’ve done it before and I will continue to do so. I can consider it a blessing that through my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my understanding of the Plan of Salvation, my depression has taught me how to truly persevere.