No Coincidences

Tag: eternity

  • San Junipero

    San Junipero

    I really enjoy the show Black Mirror on Netflix.

    For those who don’t know the show, each season includes independent episodes that usually (but not always) have a futuristic, technological theme.

    One of my favorite episodes is called San Junipero.

    I don’t love this episode for its ending. I love it for how it makes me think. Funny enough, I watched the episode a second time, 7 years after the first viewing. Usually when something really makes me think, I pull out my phone and start writing down my thoughts.

    In 2025 when I rewatched San Junipero, I pulled out my phone to take notes. I found notes I took 7 years prior. I didn’t remember taking those notes. But they fit exactly what I thought 7 years later watching the episode a second time. Good to see I’m consistent. Typing those thoughts out led to this blog post.

    In the show, San Junipero is a virtual reality where people can upload their consciousness to live and experience life much like in the real world. In San Junipero, people can eat, drink, laugh, dance, and do seemingly all of the things that you can do in real life.  

    The main character is named Yorki. Yorki meets a character named Kelly (I hope it goes without saying that there are about to be spoilers for the episode).

    Yorki and Kelly start a romance in San Junipero. In San Junipero, everyone is young and vibrant. We learn that in the real world Yorki is an old woman who was paralyzed at the age of 20 and has spent her entire life in a coma-like state. Kelly is an old woman who was given 3 months to live 6 months ago.

    We learn that Kelly was married for many years to a man named Richard. Kelly and Richard… well, I’ll let Kelly tell the story.

    The episode comes to a climax when Yorki is trying to convince Kelly to stay with her in San Junipero.

    This leads to one of the most powerful monologues I’ve ever seen on television. In exasperation and frustration at Yorki’s request, Kelly exploded (you can watch the exact clip on YouTube HERE):

    “49 years. I was with him for 49 years. You can’t begin to imagine. You can’t know. The bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The *expletive love. You just cannot know. Everything we sacrificed. The years I gave him. The years he gave me. Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask?

    “We had a daughter, Allison. Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart. And Richard and I, we felt that heartbreak as one.

    “You know when he was dying, Rich said to me, when they offered him this, to pass over, pass through, spend eternity in this *expletive graveyard you’re so in love with, he said, ‘How can I? When she missed out, how can I?’ And so he went. And I wish I could believe he’s with her now, that they’re together, but I don’t. I believe they’re nowhere. Just like you said. Gone…

    “And now you give me some sales pitch about how *expletive peachy forever could be. You want to spend forever somewhere nothing matters? End up like Wes. All those lost *expletives at the Quagmire trying anything to feel something, go ahead. But I’m out. I’m gone.”

    The episode goes on. You see a coffin being lowered into a grave next to Richard’s tombstone. You think that’s the end.

    Black Mirror is known for its twists. I love it for its twists. I hated this twist.

    Kelly is back in San Junipero with Yorki. She decided not to “pass on.” She stayed in San Junipero. The show plays background music of Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven is a Place on Earth.

    While this may seem like a happy ending, the broader implications broke my heart.

    Obviously, I’m going to take this from a perspective of faith.

    There’s a lot to unpack here and a lot to consider. It’s why, despite my dislike for the ending, it’ s still one of my favorite episodes.

    Kelly could have “moved on” and spent an eternity with her husband and daughter. Instead she decided to stay in an artificial world.

    What is the lesson here?

    Her husband Rich had a particle of faith. Just a mustard seed of faith, you might say. Kelly couldn’t exhibit even that. She said herself, “I wish I could believe he’s with her now.” Wish. She Wishes. She hopes, probably. But she couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t even give real honest effort. She could only wish and hope but she couldn’t believe. According to Kelly Richard didn’t believe, but clearly he tried to. From a faithful perspective, what did Richard get? An eternity with his beloved daughter. What did Kelly get? An eternity in a fake and counterfeit world.

    Kelly took the guarantee in front of her. She took what she knew. She chose earth. She chose an existence of “trying to feel alive” over eternal life.

    Kelly’s monologue makes mention of a place called the Quagmire. The definition of quagmire is: “a soft boggy area of land that gives way underfoot.” A land that gives way underfoot = unsteady, uncertain, unsure. A sandy foundation.

    The Quagmire was a disgusting, sad, pathetic place where people in San Junipero went to party. It was all grotesque acts, cage fighting, drugs – all the worst of the world. Why did so many people in San Junipero go to the Quagmire? A hell-hole of debauchery? Kelly in her monologue pointed out the reason the living souls of the dead in San Junipero went there. Why would they go to somewhere so horrible? Just to try to feel alive.

    This is another eternal point to consider. The Quagmire clearly represented hell. Hell is a lack of progression. Hell is a lack of purpose.

    What is life without purpose? What is your purpose?

    Kelly chose a fake world. Will her life there be happy? Maybe. It might even be amazing, from an earthly perspective.

    We know that people really will make this choice. When some die, they can’t enjoy an otherworldly experience because they are too attached to this world. It’s the reason Jesus said to leave all earthly things behind and seek after eternal things. There is so much in store for us if we can just seek it out. Some will choose this world and this life because they can’t garner the faith to hope for something so much more.

    For those that want a greater blessing, there will be an eternity of love and joy, and things we can’t even begin to wrap our minds around – amazing, spectacular, fantastic things. But if we get too stuck in this world, we’ll miss the opportunity for that so much more.

    The fictional Richard hoped for so much more. He wished for so much more. He believed it just enough that he received it. A blessed existence for eternity with his daughter.

    I so wished the show would have taken an “eternal perspective” for once. But alas, it is a show of the world.

  • Tolkien’s Knowledge of Eternal Truths

    Tolkien’s Knowledge of Eternal Truths

    I’ve written before about Tolkien’s uncanny parallels to what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints knows to be true due to modern revelation. These truths include information on the premortal life, Satan, and the afterlife.

    See The Wisdom of Tolkien and The Many Literary Parallels to Satan.

    I just started reading The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien. It is a book whose tale pre-dates The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and even The Hobbit. It is the origin story of Middle Earth.

    The preface to The Silmarillion includes a letter Tolkien wrote to his editor. In the letter Tolkien is trying to explain why The Silmarillion and the Lord of the Rings trilogy should be released together as their saga is intrinsically linked. Something Tolkien said in that letter struck me. He said, “[The mere stories] arose in my mind as ‘given’ things, and as they came, separately, so too the links grew. An absorbing, though continually interrupted labour… yet I always had the sense of recording what was already ‘there’, somewhere: not of ‘inventing’.”

    J.R.R. Tolkien was known to be a devout Christian. So I find it no surprise that his soul seemed to speak of things already known, deep in his being, that he expressed through his writing.  

    I find that statement especially fascinating given the parallels to eternal truth Tolkien touched on as I already referenced. I’m going to note some of those truths I’ve found in The Silmarillion. This list, I think, could go on and on nearly endlessly, but I will list out the few that made me literally stop reading, come to my computer, and note down:

    It is a well known fact that Tokien was a religious man who was pulling from religious traditions into his writing. I think it is clear that he had a sense of more. I would consider that his spirit telling him things his mind had no way of knowing. We did come from somewhere. We are here for a reason. We are going somewhere. There are too many eternal truths in his writings. Someday I’ll likely re-read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, books I haven’t read since I was 11 and 12, to see what more I can pull from those great books as an adult.

    1. (Page 16 of The Silmarillion) “Manwe (Jesus Christ) and Melkor (Satan) were brethren in the thought of Illuvatar (God). The mightiest of those Ainur (first children of God) who came into the world was in the beginning Melkor; but Manwe is dearest to Illuvatar and understands most clearly his purposes. He was appointed to be, in the fullness of time, the first of all Kings: lord of the realm of Arda (Earth) and ruler of all that dwell therein.”
      • Wow, there are many parallels here.
    2. (Page 36) (Note also that Elves and Men are often referred to in this mythology as the sons of Illuvatar (God)). The book talks about how death is given to men as a gift from Illuvatar (God). Whereas the elves are immortal on earth, men die. “But illuvatar knew that Men, being set amid the turmoils of the powers of the world, would stray often, and would not use their gifts in harmony; and he said: ‘these too in their time shall find that all that they do redounds at the end only to the glory of my work.’ Yet the Elves believe that Men are often a grief to Manwe (in this analogy, Manwe=Christ), who knows most of the mind of Illuvatar (God); for it seems to the Elves that Men resemble Melkor (Satan) most of all the Ainur, although he has ever feared and hated them, even those that served him.
      • This is fascinating because despite us being most like Satan (rebellious, stubborn, prone to anger and hatred, greedy, desirous of power, desirous of honor), he still fears us because we have bodies and have the potential he will never have. And even when we follow and serve Satan, he still hates us. This is just like in the Lord of the Rings mythology where men are looked at as a burden to God, but loved by Him. Melkor doesn’t trust man even when they serve him.`
    3. (Page 36) “It is one with this gift of freedom that the children of Men dwell only a short space in the world alive, and are not bound to it, and depart soon whither the Elves know not… But the sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world; wherefore they are called the Guests, or the Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Illuvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy. But Melkor (Satan) has cast his shadow upon it, and confounded it with darkness, and brought forth evil out of good, and fear out of hope.
      • It is a gift that we dwell on Earth for a short time. Our reward after earth life is unimaginable. Satan tries to make death seem like a bad thing, casting his shadow upon it. We should remember that death is not evil and nothing to fear. It is a gift.
    4. (Page 96) Curse of Noldor for slaying their brethren. “’Ye have spilled the blood of your kindred unrighteously and have stained the land of Aman. For blood ye shall render blood, and behold Aman ye shall dwell in Death’s shadow. For though Eru appointed to you to die not in Ea, and no sickness may assail you, yet slain ye may be, and slain ye shall be: by weapon and by torment and by grief; and your houseless spirits shall come then to Mandos. There long shall ye abide and yearn for your bodies, and find little pity though all whom ye have slain should entreat for you. And those that endure in Middle-earth and come not to Mandos shall grow weary of the world as with a great burden, and shall wane, and become as shadows of regret before the younger race that cometh after. The Valar have spoken.’
      • There are elves in the mythology that commit the first murder of their own kindred. They are punished by having their spirits go to Mandos, keeper of the underworld, after their deaths. “There long shall ye abide and yearn for your bodies.” This is a truth of the Plan of Salvation that when men die, they go to spirit prison or spirit paradise and look at the absence of their body from their spirit as a prison. Also, the ties to the first murder in the Bible and the curse of Cain are obvious.
    5. (Page 109) “And they mourned not more for the death of the Trees than for the marring of Feanor: of the works of Melkor one of the most evil. For Feanor was made the mightiest in all parts of body and mind, in valour, in endurance, in beauty, in understanding, in skill, in strength and in subtlety alike, of all of the Children of Iluvatar (God), and a bright flame was in him. The works of wonder for the glory of Arda (Earth) that he might otherwise have wrought only Manwe (Christ, God of earth) might in some measure conceive. And it was told by the Vanyar who held vigil with the Valar that when the messengers declared to Manwe the answers of Feanor to his heralds, Manwe wept and bowed his head.”
      1. This is talking about one of the earliest elves, Feanor. Feanor was deceived by Melkor and ultimately his pride led him to swearing an oath to do anything to reclaim the silmarils he had crafted. This led to many misdeeds. This made me think of Satan, a “morning star that fell.”
      • Also, this part talks about how the greatest evil Melkor (Satan) committed was lying, deceiving, and ultimately turning the path of Feanor to evil. The most evil work of Satan on this earth is turning the hearts of men to do evil when they could have done so much good. How many are there out there that could have been great bringers of peace, creators of beauty, uniters of the human race, that Satan destroyed?
    6. (Page 325) – Sauron in deceiving men tells them that the Valar have deceived men by putting forth the name of Eru (God). That they speak for Eru. He says Eru is a phantom, putting the power in the Valar’s hands. Then Sauron says, “But he that is their (the Valar) shall yet prevail, and he will deliver you from this phantom (God); and his name is Melkor, Lord of All, Giver of Freedom, and he shall make you stronger than they.”
      • Isn’t this the strategy of Satan today? There is no God. Those who speak for him (prophets) only speak in His name to get their own power. This is what Satan tries to get people to believe. There is one that you can follow who will give you freedom and power – yourself. In this analogy, I think Melkor is us. When Satan denies God, he usually doesn’t bring himself into it. He tells men that they are Gods and need no God. He tells us that we can find freedom and power in our own devices. Satan’s prevailing strategy today is telling the world there is no God.
    7. (Page 334-335) – men become so proud that they deny God and go to war against the Valar. It says that Manwe (the King of earth) “called upon Iluvatar, and for that time the Valar laid down their government of earth.” It says that Illuvatar changed the world with a chasm, water, and smoke, and the world was shaken.
      • This sounds like a description of the end of times when all the unrighteous turn from God and rebel against Him. They will be destroyed.
    8. There is a scene during the destruction of Numenor, a city that rebelled against the Gods, that describes a Queen of the people who, “Too late she strove to ascend the steep ways of the Meneltarma, to the holy place; for the waters overtook her.” The Meneltarma was the temple they had built to Illuvatar (God) and that had been neglected and ignored for decades. As floods started to come into the city, she tried to go to the temple but it was too late for the Queen. She had neglected the temple and God for too long. Once hardship befalls man, it’s too late to then try to cry out for help and worship God. This is the parable of the 10 virgins put right into the Lord of the Rings mythology.

    This is why I love reading! Everything denotes that there is a Christ. Beauty and truth can be pulled from almost any book. Everything I read gives me some new perspective or something new I hadn’t before considered. It’s also why I like writing. The greatest invention in the world was writing. Before I digress, let me close this post. I love Tolkien’s writing. Go read something great today.

  • Your True Identity

    Your True Identity

    *I originally wrote this in 2022.

    I’d like to discuss Grace and our Identity.

    In a recent address to young adults of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the prophet of the Lord, President Russell M. Nelson, talked about the three defining identities of a member of Christ’s church. Those identities were:

    1. Child of God
    2. Child of the covenant
    3. Disciple of Jesus Christ

    The grace portion of what I’d like to discuss, like President Nelson’s identities, will focus on members of Christ’s church. This doesn’t mean what I’m saying here doesn’t apply to all. I believe it does. Whether someone believes in God or not, the first identity of all God’s children is true. Every soul on this earth is a child of God, whether they believe it (or like it) or not. The other two identities are not excluded from anyone. Anyone can be a child of the covenant by aligning themselves with God. Anyone can be a disciple of Jesus Christ. These must be choices.

    Now that I’ve established that this is for everyone, let’s talk more about President Nelson’s message of identity. President Nelson emphasized that if the Lord spoke directly to us, the first thing He’d want us to understand is who we are; thus, the identities. It’s my testimony that the Lord was reminding us of this, through His mouthpiece, the prophet.

    President Nelson said:

    “Tonight, I plead with you not to replace these three paramount and unchanging identifiers with any others, because doing so could stymie your progress or pigeonhole you in a stereotype that could potentially thwart your eternal progression.

    There are various labels that may be very important to you, of course. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that other designations and identifiers are not significant. I am simply saying that no identifier should displace, replace or take priority over these three enduring designations …”

    The world would so quickly have us forget who we truly are, and our true potential. The multitude of designations we can apply to ourselves pale in comparison to “Child of God.” Can you imagine being a prince of a nation, and calling yourself a peasant? Can you imagine being the president of a university and calling yourself a student? Can you imagine being the captain of the team, and calling yourself a bench warmer? That is what many of us do every day when we give ourselves any title but “Child of God.” Wear your title with pride. Your Father is God of the entire universe. He is King, He is Ruler, and you are His Child.

    “Make no mistake about it: Your potential is divine. With your diligent seeking, God will give you glimpses of who you may become. … As you embrace these truths, our Heavenly Father will help you reach your ultimate goal of living eternally in His holy presence.”

    -Russell M. Nelson

    Let’s transition into Grace. I can’t say anything better here than Brad Wilcox said in his talk His Grace is Sufficient, so please read the talk to remind yourself how patient and loving and kind our Savior is. I believe this may be the most powerful address ever given, especially for our day. I mean that literally. His Grace is Sufficient is so filled with eternal and significant truths, you could quote the whole thing. I will quote much of it here.

    I believe there is an epidemic in the Church of people not feeling good enough. I believe this aligns with President Nelson’s message of forgetting our identity. I think it also aligns with a misunderstanding that Satan has perpetuated, a misunderstanding of Grace and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

    Brad Wilcox said, “Too many are giving up on the Church because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short.”

    He then gave an example:

    “There are young women who know they are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves them, and they love Him. Then they graduate from high school, and the values they memorized are put to the test. They slip up. They let things go too far, and suddenly they think it is all over. These young women don’t understand grace.”

    I would add – these young women don’t understand who they are. Slipping up doesn’t take away any of your three identities. Because you make a mistake, are you no longer God’s daughter? Because you slip up, are you no longer a daughter of the covenant? Because you’re not perfect, are you not a disciple of Jesus Christ? If that were the case, Christ would never have disciples! Be less hard on ourselves. And remember who we are.

    Few paragraphs in a talk have applied more perfectly to me:

    “There are young men who grow up their whole lives singing, “I hope they call me on a mission,” and then they do actually grow a foot or two and flake out completely. They get their Eagles, graduate from high school, and go away to college. Then suddenly these young men find out how easy it is to not be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, or reverent. They mess up. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “This is stupid. I will never do it again.” And then they do it. The guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit. These young men don’t understand grace.”

    For me, it was a process of making mistakes, and then deciding I didn’t need to ask for forgiveness. The guilt of asking for forgiveness wasn’t worth it. I just moved on and stopped asking. But my soul was crying out. What saved me was my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Without that testimony of His restored Gospel, I would have never returned. It wasn’t worth feeling the guilt. But once I did return and reminded myself of the fruits of repentance and the pure joy of forgiveness, I could never go back. I continued to make mistakes and I continued to fall short. I continue to fall short. But that day when I cried tears of joy in a church parking lot, I felt Christ so palpably and so near, I knew I could never go back. I knew I had to keep trying. My soul had been starved for so long and once I felt the grace of Jesus Christ, which I only had to ask for, returning into my very being, I couldn’t go back.

    I plead for all of God’s children, all of you, my brothers and sisters, to not give up. Ask for that forgiveness, endure the guilt, and feel the overwhelming joy.

    Brother Wilcox in continuing to describe me, “…guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit. These young men don’t understand grace.”

    I definitely didn’t understand grace until I’d felt it’s full magnitude. Don’t give up on who you are. Don’t give up on who you can become. Don’t forget your true identity. “In all of these cases there should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).”

    “Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source.”

    Let Christ be your constant energy source. Don’t give up.

    “I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Oh, young people, don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace… I believe in you. I’m pulling for you… And Jesus is pulling with you.”

    -Brad Wilcox

    What has Christ done for us? What has God given us? President Nelson reminded us:

    “In short, They have offered you everything! Heavenly Father’s plan for His children allows us to live where and how He lives and ultimately to become more and more like Him. His plan literally makes the richest blessings of all eternity available to us, including the potential for us to become ‘joint-heirs with Christ’ (Romans 8:17).”

    “God will do “everything He can, short of violating your agency, to help you not miss out on the greatest blessings in all eternity.”

    Don’t give up. Don’t be discouraged. Never forget your divine heritage and what it affords you. You are a child of God! A joint heir with our Savior, the King, Jesus Christ. Don’t ever replace your identity with something temporary, that only this world gives. Satan abandoned his identity and now he wants nothing more but to deceive you into abandoning yours. Don’t do it!

    I bear my testimony that Christ’s Grace is Sufficient. He died for me, and He died for you. He did it all. There’s nothing we can do to screw it up if we just turn to Him. There’s nothing we can possibly do to make God abandon us. He loves us with a love we can’t comprehend.

    One day we’ll stand before Him, our Father, and we’ll remember. We’ll remember what love truly is, and we’ll remember who we are. Remember today and move towards that glorious light of living with Him, our Savior, and our families through eternity.

  • Eternal Families, Children, and The Best Part of Me Was Always You

    Eternal Families, Children, and The Best Part of Me Was Always You

    *Originally written 4/19/2022, edited for posting in 2025.

    I was having a discussion with my mom a frew years ago about the trend in China of younger people not wanting to have children. We talked about this trend spreading through society. This trend of young people wanting to enjoy travelling, free time, more financial freedom, and therefore, choosing to not start families or have children.

    I watched an episode of a show recently. In the show, there is an extremely wealthy and powerful couple. They put off having children. The wife has gotten older and it may be too later for her to have children, but she’s thinking about children. She has a conversation with her husband. In the conversation she says, “Why have we built all this, what is it for?” And he replies, “It’s for us, we built it for ourselves.” She responds, “But if one of us dies…”

    She hit on something there. If you only build in this life for yourself, and if at some point you die, what did you really build it for?

    Back to that conversation with my mom years ago, we talked about how this is a sad level of selfishness spreading. How much can I travel, how much freedom can I have, how much money can I have for myself, with children being only a burden that take these things away from us. Now, of course, there are those who can’t have children and don’t have a choice. This doesn’t apply to someone in that situation at all. I’m talking about all the people my age that have decided a child isn’t worth their time, because their life is more important.

    Until you give your life for another, you never truly understand your capacity to love. Until you open yourself up to the love and selfless life that is caring for a child, “selfless” is just an adjective.

    I was on a long road trip with Beth and Ivy and so I was sitting in the back seat to give Ivy company. This was before Sage and Wren entered our lives. A song started playing. I was leaning over, staring right at Ivy. The lyrics of this song are meant to describe the heartache of a breakup. But as I listened to the words and applied them to the love I felt for my daughter whom I was staring at, the lyrics took on a whole new, eternal, and powerful meaning to me. For those words to take on the meaning they did, I had to apply them in a dark and sad way. I imagined what would happen if I ever lost Ivy (tears come to my eyes as I type those words). Bear with me. The topic will not stay sad and morbid.

    The lyrics were from a song called Breakeven by The Script:

    I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
    Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
    ‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
    ‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

    Her best days will be some of my worst

    …

    While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping

    ‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces

    They say bad things happen for a reason
    But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
    ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
    And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah
    I’m falling to pieces
    (One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
    I’m falling to pieces
    (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

    What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I suppose to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    (Oh glad you’re okay now)
    I’m falling to pieces yeah
    I’m falling to pieces (oh, I’m falling, falling) yeah
    I’m falling to pieces
    (One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
    I’m falling to pieces
    (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

    While preparing to post this, Wren crawled to my chair and pulled herself to stand at my feet. I decided to experiment if this song is still emotional when considered in this twisted context I’ve applied to it. Yup, still tears. I only let myself brush the very edge of the surface of this hypothetical.

    I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can not. “What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you?”

    I think the most difficult thing that could happen in this life is losing a child and my heart breaks at the mere thought of it. I feel for anyone that has to endure that pain. Just reading those lyrics, considering what I was writing 3.5 years ago, my chest started to ache at the thought. What I wrote here applies more than ever now that I have 3 daughters who I love more than life itself.

    “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.”

    “Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in.” This would ever happen to me. But I can see how it would for so many in this world. Which makes me sad. And is why I’m writing this.

    “’Cause I got time while she got freedom” – I’m stuck in time while she would be free.

    “Her best days will be some of my worst” – The best days for our loved ones, their return home, to heaven, is often the worst days for those left behind.

    “While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping”

    “They say bad things happen for a reason
    But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
    ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
    And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

    And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
    I’m falling to pieces, yeah.

    This discussion with my mom, that moment with Ivy in the car, and these thoughts originally happened over Easter weekend three years ago.

    Without the resurection, the lyrics of this song would be perfectly true. It would be impossible to go on from that sort of tragedy. But the resurection is real. Jesus Christ did conquer death. I know that Jesus Christ was resurected and that myself and my family will be resurected.

    I can’t believe that I will ever be without Ivy, Sage, Wren, and Beth for too long a period of time. This life is but a blink in eternity. I look at them, and the love I have for each of them, I know the God I love would not allow this level of love in my heart, and then not allow me to be with them forever. It makes me sad that much of Christianity does not have the truth restored through Christ’s true gospel that families can be together forever. I know that Ivy will be mine for eternity. I know that Sage will be mine for eternity. I know that Wren will be mine for eternity. When I’m 100 and Ivy is 70, she will still be my daughter. When I leave this world and she stays, she will still be my daughter. When we both have left this life, she will still be my daughter.

    To all those who might be reading this, and I’ve drudged up memories and feelings you have tried to suppress, to all those thinking about the loved one you so desperately miss now, my message to you is of hope. 

    I know that Christ suffered all of my sins so that I could be forgiven for them and overcome death through His blood and grace. I know that Christ conquered death and was resurrected, so that my family and I can be resurrected. I know that we will live together again as a family unit, because of what He did for me. This is why (though I always fall short) I’ve tried so hard to give everything to Him – my heart, my time, my love, my devotion, my life – because He already gave me everything that means anything. 

    I say with any authority I can muster, with full confidence and faith in the Plan of God: You will see your loved ones again. The ones that make you fall to pieces, the ones that just thinking about choke you up, the ones that make you feel alive but like you’re barely breathing, the ones you don’t know if you can live without because they were the best part of you: You will see them again.

    I am thankful for these truths that have been restored. I’m grateful to know that whatever happens in this life or the next, Ivy, Sage, and Wren will be mine, and I will be theirs. Forever. This goes for Beth also. Because of Jesus Christ we will be together forever. And my love for Him is inexpressable when I consider what He’s done for me.

  • Parenting Without Faith

    Parenting Without Faith

    Moments where you feel like a good parent doing good things sometimes don’t come often enough. And then one comes that is so impactful it brings you to tears.

    Ivy claimed to be sick this morning. I thought she was making it up until I saw her throw up with my own eyes.

    So she stayed home from school. Without any guidance or prompt, she went upstairs on her own and laid down in her bed. This is very un-Ivy like. She was definitely sick.

    I got a show setup on a laptop for her so she could lay in bed and relax. I brought it to her, and she didn’t want it, she just wanted to rest. Ivy was definitely sick.

    An hour later she came to my room and said she did want a show. We walked back to her room, and I started to get it setup. She said she needed to throw up and inexplicably walked away from her throw up bucket and passed her bathroom down the hall to my bathroom.

    Luckily, she made it in time.

    She knelt in front of the toilet. She looked so big, her little four-year-old body, already knowing how to properly throw up in a toilet. Any parent can relate to and feel the pain of watching their child throw up.

    I held her hair and rubbed her back.

    Ivy stood up.

    She said, through little sobs and stutters as she caught her breath, “Daddy, I ask Jesus in my bed to help me. Will you pray for me at my bed? I asked Jesus to help me stop throwing up.”

    Those words don’t fully capture it. I cannot properly put in words the sweetness, the tenderness, the humility, the vulnerability, the faith, the innocence of what was coming out of Ivy’s mouth. What I put above was roughly what she said. But it was so much more. It was soft, it was gentle, it was pleading.

    This pleading was not with adultlike “this needs to get done” energy, but with patient understanding. This request came with complete innocence. Coming from your four-year-old who is normally all chaotic, joyful energy, these calm, sweet moments can be so jarring.

    I explained to Ivy that Jesus might help her stop throwing up, but I promised her that even if she didn’t stop throwing up, He would be with her and help her. I told Ivy, “You know when Jesus died for you?” She nodded, as this is something we talk about often. “When He died for you, He felt what you just felt, that hurt and pain and sickness of throwing up, He felt it. So even if you throw up more, He is with you.”

    Ivy said, “Even when I get big owies, He feels it.”

    I took Ivy back to her room. I put a show on for her to watch. She lay in bed.

    How do parents parent without faith?

    This parenting thing is hard enough. How could I explain to Ivy that she’s throwing up and in pain and I don’t know why and there’s nothing I can do about it?

    In the last couple weeks, my knee has been healed, my daughter with potential hip dysplasia has been blessed (what happens is yet to be seen), and my Ivy has known that even though she’s sick, Jesus is with her and helping her and there’s a reason for it.

    How do you raise kids without this?

    I don’t know.

    The last thing Ivy said during our conversation at the toilet, “Jesus is God, that is why I ask Him for help.”

    Jesus is our God. Heavenly Father is our Father. They watch over us. As I sit here with tears in my eyes, my sweet daughter laying in bed suffering with a little tummy ache, writing this out, I’m reminded that Jesus is God. And I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know that. It would be so hopeless otherwise.

    He died for us, and He knows our pain.

    I wish we could all have the faith of a 4-year-old.