Heading into my ninth-grade year my family moved. This resulted in me attending a new ward. I got a zone variance so I could go to the school I would have gone to if I didn’t move. I had developed friendships through middle school that I didn’t want to give up. The funny thing is how quickly those friendships dissolved. Not because of falling out or anything dramatic, just growing up and growing apart. I played basketball and that became my friend group.
My new ward had a few guys my age. From day one, I don’t think I ever felt like I completely belonged. They had been friends their whole lives and I was new. On top of that, we had no similar interests. For example, I played sports; they played video games, and that sort of thing.
I’ve looked back and thought a lot about those years. During my time in that ward I started to drift further and further away. It got to the point that I just felt unwelcome. Back then, being a popular basketball player at my high school was more important than anything. I looked down on this group of friends that I never belonged to. As I got a girlfriend, I started to think I was cool. As I started to make serious mistakes, I started to think I was better than them because I was experiencing the world and I thought I was more mature.
Then I started to feel judged by them. I started to feel ostracized. I still remember meeting with my bishop at the time. He was the father of one of those friends in the group. He was a young, kind man. He was easy to get along with and a good guy. I remember telling him I wasn’t worthy to bless the sacrament. I couldn’t help but feel that he’d told his son, who’d told his friends, and the ostracizing got worse.
Over time, that feeling festered. I didn’t think about it too intensely, but I had this idea that they all knew and they all judged me for it. In hindsight, that bishop was a great guy and there’s very little chance he ever told his son anything about my transgressions. He may have told his son to look out for me or to help me. That could have made his son think some things. I strongly doubt he told him anything about my mistakes. Yet, over time, this thought became something I assumed was true.
Now I look back on these days with a much different perspective. Something I’ve come to realize is that I was never judged by that group of friends. They tried to welcome me and they tried to make me a member of their group. Any judgment I felt was my own.
It’s been a long journey to get to this point. To come to the realization that I was the one ostracizing myself. I was the one judging myself. I didn’t feel welcome because I was making myself unwelcome. It wasn’t something I realized until I looked back. Many years later I was able to see it, after some growth and real maturing.
What helped me come to this realization was reading the story of Cain and Abel. The scriptures say that Cain loved Satan more than God. Satan tricked Cain and misled him. That’s what happened to me those many years ago. Satan tricked and misled me. He led me to believe these good, kind, friendly individuals didn’t like me. I allowed my pride to make me think I was better than them. Satan promoted that thinking. Satan led me to be mindful of the world and I followed along.
It was only through the grace of Jesus Christ and His atonement that I was able to come away from that part of my life with an understanding of what was actually happening. I’m grateful that time didn’t foster even more of a feeling of animosity or negativity towards the church. I’m glad I was always able to separate perceived wrongs and unkindness of individuals from the love of my Savior. It’s now these years later, because of my Savior, that I’m able to see I was wrong and judging myself. I learned to love God more than the world. The atonement of Jesus Christ allowed me to be forgiven for those mistakes I made and also gave me the perspective to see the humble kindness I was always surrounded by.
I hope everyone out there can separate the people of Christ’s Church, imperfect as we are, from Christ Himself. Christ loves us so much. He knows us. He judges us only with love. Members of the Church always fall short. We’re not there yet. As long as we keep trying, maybe we’ll one day get there. But for now, I plead for you to remember Christ is perfect, we’re not. Make sure you have a testimony of Him first. Everything else will fall in line.
If anyone has felt judged or would like to share your experience, I’d love to hear it. Thanks for reading.
No Coincidences 