Why would she want to raise her children after life on earth? Their souls will be grown, and they will no longer need rearing to adulthood like they would have needed on earth. Are there children in heaven?
Then the other day I was spending time with Ivy and Sage. Wren was also in the room. Ivy said something very smart. Sage said something very cute. Wren spit up. I realized how precious each of these phases was.
While I’d always considered this promise strange, in that moment it made sense. I wouldn’t want to miss out on any of these moments or phases with my daughters. Each age, each moment, each day is so unique with each of them.
Right now Ivy is becoming so smart and so helpful.
Right now Sage is so trusting and so happy.
Right now Wren is so innocent and so cute.
I could add 100 more individual adjectives for them at these specific moments. They are each so unique.
A common theme of my prayers is asking God the question: What did I do to earn these precious gifts?
I don’t know how I could possibly be worthy of these unique and special souls that have been sent down to me. I look at Ivy, Sage, and Wren and just marvel at who they are.
I marvel that the world goes day-to-day without answers to these questions:
Why am I here?
Where did I come from?
Where am I going?
What happens to those we love when they move on?
This life is so hard but without the inkling of an understanding of what comes next, it seems so hopeless.
The Plan of Salvation is a Plan of Happiness. Because God loves us He gave us families. Because He loves us He gave us the chance to come to this planet to learn.
I marvel at this plan and that I get to be a part of it.
I don’t know exactly how things work after this life. I don’t know how eternity works. But I do know that God is perfect and He loves us perfectly. I know that nothing will be lost – not one moment, not one gift.
I know that God gave me these daughters not for this life but for eternity. I know we’ll be together forever.
Sage has gotten much better at sleeping at night, thank goodness. That first month was rough. One night when Sage was a month old, I made live update notes to track her sleeping and try to understand why she was having such a hard time. Here are those notes, exactly as I typed them in my phone. These were typed in a sleepless blur throughout the night. Last Night I let the Party get the best of me (round two).
10/4 – 10/5 with Sage:
Fussy all night.
Between 11:30pm and 1:30am – gave her gas drops and she fell asleep on my arms maybe midnight? Transfer her to dock (her bed) and try to hold in pacifier. Continues to cry.
1:30am appears to be in pain. Has gas.
1:32am patting her back upright seems to provide a little relief. Not much. She’s still crying.
1:34am can feel her farting every couple minutes. Definitely tummy trouble.
1:36am starts to use the restroom and seems to have relief for a moment then cries much harder. This all upright on my chest.
1:37am she randomly seems to fall asleep on my chest with no patting or anything for ~45 seconds then starts crying again.
1:40am Again seemingly randomly falls asleep. Gently rocking on chest, very subtle. She seems to be asleep on chest. Right arm under her bum. She’s laying on her left cheek. Her right arm up by face.
When did she eat tonight? What happened between 11:30pm and 1:30am?
1:44am she starts to cough. Was afraid she was going to wake up. She stayed asleep.
1:45am want to try to sleep but afraid any movement will wake her. Sitting upright with head against the wall Sage at ~45 degree angle. She just did a shudder breath but still asleep.
1:46am she seems ok, still sleeping. Starts clutching at my chest. Her breathing becomes audible. Sounds like she’s trying to pull in air for a couple breaths.
1:49am she starts to tense up. Sounds like she is having a hard time breathing. She starts squirming a little. She’s still kind of asleep.
1:51am nothing has changed but she’s in pain? Squirming and moving and starts crying.
1:52am sit more upright. She is squirming and crying. Beth sits up and says she thinks she’s going to throw up. Sage crying. Rocking doesn’t help.
1:53am Sage falls asleep to gentle rocking.
1:54am Sage asleep. Stop rocking. Beth in bathroom. Might have a stomach bug or something. Maybe going to throw up due to the Sage crying and lack of sleep etc.
1:55am Sage falls asleep. Beth didn’t throw up.
Sage ate at 11:39pm until 12:23am. I guess I was asleep at that time. I’ve been up ever since.
1:57am Beth says Sage has been eating a lot more the last two days. An extra hour or more feeding in 24 hour period. Not this night but the night before we started the reflux medication. Tonight and the night before have been the worst nights. She also got her shot 10/3. So after shot and starting reflux medicine, I don’t think Sage has slept much at all either night.
2:00am she’s still sleeping. Same position as last time she slept. Can hear her breathing. Quiet sound.
2:03am what’s the temperature in Ivy’s room? It’s very cold in here. My arm outside the covers freezing. Sage getting cold?
2:08am big shudder breath. Breathing more audible. Still sleeping.
2:10am fix duplicate note. Can’t really sleep. Too awake. Read scripture. Alma chapter 8.
2:17am Alma 8:6 how did Joseph Smith know Maya place names ended in “ha”/”hah”?
2:18am Sage still sleeping.
2:20am reading in preach my gospel about eternal marriage. Someone in conference talk I listened to today, maybe yesterday (what are days?). It was Holland’s Sunday morning talk. He talked about the story of King David and how he wouldn’t take the wood and animal to make an offering to God that was free. He wanted to pay for the wood and animal. He essentially said he wouldn’t offer something to God that didn’t cost him anything. That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?. Is anything worth having worth having if it doesn’t involve some sacrifice?
2:24am Sage is stirring a bit. Still sleeping. Right arm getting tired holding her.
2:26am I was looking at old notes earlier from when Ivy didn’t sleep. This all seems vaguely familiar. Like a fever dream. Notes seem to indicate Ivy was much later. Like 6-8 months old which is of course right. It was after that we started her sleep training and she’s slept like a champ ever since. Our struggle with Ivy in the first two months was getting her NOT to sleep. The girl wouldn’t open her eyes to eat. We’d take her outside in a diaper in the cold to try to get her to open her eyes. Different kinds of stresses. I’m now remembering that was after my accident too. So my arm was all messed up and gauze wrapped. Oozing puss and blood all day. I have a memory of taking Ivy outside in the cold, me shirtless, arm wrapped, head wrapped in a bandage, Ivy in only a diaper, holding her up to the moon like a sacrifice. And that girl just slept through it. Lol it was crazy. Funny to look back on now. I’m sure we’ll laugh back on this with Sage too. “First 4 weeks of that girl’s life she’d pretty much only sleep on dad’s chest <3”. You gotta look at it that way and remind yourself of those things. Because, though this seems miserable, and my back and neck hurt, and tomorrow’s/today’s going to be rough, one day I’ll miss these nights. How sad is that? One day I’ll so desperately want Sage and Ivy’s attention that I’ll miss sitting up all night with them on my chest, or taking them naked out in the cold at midnight. Makes me want to cry. But I won’t cry because that would wake Sage.
2:35am she breathed crazy and stirred for a moment but is still sleeping.
2:36am back to preach my gospel. I wonder if I posted to my blog the post about the need for God yet? That might be coming out this Thursday. This is the perfect example of that. This night is hard. But I desperately need God’s help through it so I’m coming closer to him. And this is giving me the opportunity to ponder how precious this life on my chest is. Sometimes you get swept away in how difficult it is. It’s nice to pause and remember what a gift she is.
2:39am I pulled my right hand out from under Sage so I can type with two hands. She’s pretty securely stuck to me, like Velcro. She’s still sleeping. Now only my neck and back hurt.
2:43am you should go read the family a proclamation. It’s pretty good. “Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers-will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” “Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”
2:45am Sage kicks a lot in her sleep. Beth used to talk about this.
2:48am isn’t it crazy to think about our divine destiny? Where we’ll be one day? “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”
2:49am I haven’t read my patriarchal blessing in a while and have been wanting to. Now seems as good a time as any.
2:51am I got it 6 years ago. Time flies. The church website makes it really easy to get to. “He presented His Plan of Happiness through His Son and you accepted it with all its rigors and challenges.” That part is good to remember as Sage starts to stir.
2:53am Sage still asleep. Adding Sage and Ivy to my auto-fill to capitalize their names automatically on my phone.
2:56am I’m glad Beth is sleeping, and she’s not sick. That would have sucked if she was sick.
2:59am “You know that the path of God will lead to eternal happiness, and He invites every soul to return to His presence.”
3:04am I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten through my patriarchal blessing without tears.
I don’t think anything makes me feel closer to God than staring into the eyes of my babies. I’ve written about it before HERE. I don’t remember this specifically with Ivy, though I’m sure it happened. But with Sage I’ve stared into her eyes and it’s the most outstanding, humbling feeling.
What did I do to deserve this gift?
As I hold Sage and she begins to drift off into sleep, while comfortably in my arms, I wonder what I did to deserve so much trust. She is so comfortable in my arms, so content, so peaceful, so trusting. Why does she trust me? What did I do to earn that trust?
Nothing.
Or maybe everything.
I don’t know how Sage, Ivy, and I interacted before coming here. Before coming to earth were we best friends, running around, shooting hoops, reading books, taking walks? Maybe I did earn that trust.
What did I do to earn the trust of God, to send His daughters to me?
As I stare into Sage’s eyes, I see the eyes of God.
She is His daughter. She is of His lineage. She is a princess, not of me, but of Him. And as I stare into her eyes, I think that’s the overwhelming, outstanding, humbling feeling I get, that I described above. It’s looking into the eyes of God.
I believe Sandra Leach was in her early 30s when she accepted the message of the missionaries of Jesus Christ. I have thanked her for that choice every day of my entire life.
I love you Grandma. Thank you.
The greatest gift my grandmother gave me was the gift of a gospel household and a gift of the knowledge of the great Plan of Heavenly Father. Why is this the greatest gift? Death should hurt. Because I know where my grandma is going and because I know I will see her again, death becomes less a sting of bitterness and more a quiet celebration. I know who is greeting my grandmother, I know the peace and joy she will have as she waits for us to finish our race. Especially when a good person passes, and there’s few better than my grandma, Sandra Leach, I know where she’s going is so marvelous and wonderful. It will be sad for us who have to stay.
It will be a brief stay away.
I know that Grandma has a lot to do. I know that she’s working alongside Laura now.
Soon, one day in the near future, when my race is hopefully won, I will meet her again. We’ll sit in some glorious place I can’t describe; I don’t have the vocabulary or ability to imagine the setting of Heaven. We will sit and we will go over every single book she read, that she passed to me, that I read. The books will be in the hundreds! The notes we’ll share! I can’t wait. We’ll have so much to discuss. She’ll have so much more to teach me. Just like she taught me here, she’ll teach me there. I’ll thank her. I imagine there are happy tears in Heaven. I can already see and feel tears of joy pouring from my face as I thank her for leading me there. I will thank her for her perseverance, effort, and determination to raise a righteous home. I will thank her for teaching my mother about God, and Jesus Christ. I will thank her for listening to the missionaries. I will thank her for her faith. I will thank her for the foundation she established so I could live a joyful life leading to the ultimate joy. That moment with her and my loved ones. Discussing our life past and the great future ahead.
I long for eternity. I know eternity is just on the other side of me closing my eyes for good from this existence. I don’t long for death. I’m not anxious to leave all I love here. I am excited for my future of laying a foundation of love, faith, and obedience for my daughters. I am excited for my time on this earth to do all the things my grandmother taught me were important.
How can I ever thank my grandma for what she’s given me? I can only give it to my daughters and all those around me.
Thank you, Grandma. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.
I don’t long for death, but I am excited for it. I am excited for eternity with you. I have no fear of death because I know it will be on God’s time and terms. I know it will be for a purpose. Death will only mean temporarily leaving others to reunite with family that has gone ahead. How great it is to have no fear of death. How great it is to know why I’m here. Thank you, Grandma, for that gift.
A friend of mine wrote a book called Embrace Fatherhood. There is a part in the book where a father has lost the ability to see his new daughter due to a custody battle. Upon finding out he will get to spend a weekend with his daughter he says, “This daddy daughter thing, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It took Brooklyn being born for me to love something far greater than myself.”
I love Beth so much, but I relate to this statement. I think it took Ivy being born for me to understand what unconditional, unbounded, uncontrollable love is. We like to think we love others more than ourselves, but do we? I think I do love Ivy more than myself. I think this is parenthood. I would do anything for her. As a part of that, I love Beth all the more for giving me this priceless gift.
This book is written from the perspective of dads in various forms of relationship disputes, dads that don’t get to see their kids.
I know this is a complicated issue, and I know there are a million different circumstances that make this very difficult. What I will say that I hope we can all agree on: good fathers that want to be in their children’s lives, that for whatever reason aren’t able to, is a great tragedy. I can’t imagine being kept away from Ivy. It would break my heart. It would be like losing a part of me.
Beth and Ivy are in Utah for a week as I write this. Don’t get me wrong, a little bit of free time and the ability to nap and relax like I used to in the old days has been really nice. At the end of the night, though, all I can think about is Ivy and Beth. I miss them so much. I miss that greatest moment every morning. I’m grateful for a picture Beth put up on my bedside table before the trip. I can’t imagine this separation from my baby being a regular occurrence.
I know this situation exists for many dads and it hurts me to think about.
Relationship disputes happen. We are human. I think it is a tragedy of our society that romantic relationships would ever come before or between the most sacred relationship in the world (alongside marriage), the relationship of a parent and their child.
Again, a complicated issue. Having not lived through it myself, I can’t say too much. But I love Ivy. I can’t imagine living without her. There are tons of dads out there right now excited that they will get a weekend to see their child. The disintegration of the family unit is devastating.
I am grateful for Beth, who I love so much. I am grateful for what Beth has given me, the greatest gift in the entire world, Ivy who I love beyond all understanding. I am sorry for any dad that has this gift taken from him.
I love Ivy and I love Beth and I don’t know what I would do without them.
No Coincidences 