No Coincidences

Tag: love

  • Thoughts on Beth’s Conversion Story

    Thoughts on Beth’s Conversion Story

    These are my thoughts on last week’s post, The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story. If you haven’t read that yet, read it first by clicking the link.

    “I wanted so badly to have the life I thought I knew we could have.  But we were sent here with free will and someone needs to want to change in order to truly change…”

    That statement hits hard.  To be clear with all reading: I have many similarities to Beth’s story.  I also have many similarities to her boyfriend John.  You can’t change until you’re ready to change.

    For anyone who knows my wife, her conversion story gives some perspective on why she is who she is.  We don’t become who we are by happenstance.  There are always experiences, moments, profound MOMENTS that shape us.  That is why we are here. After reading some of Beth’s story, and if you know her, you can start to see why she is caring, considerate, and loving to those around her. It is partly who she is and partly the experiences of her life that have changed her. I can relate. I used to be a self-absorbed punk. It took a lot of small steps to change who I once was.  Her words make me feel what I always know about my wife – she is special. 

    This is all I could picture as I read of Beth’s dream:

    And now this:

    God is great.

    I am lucky.  Beyond lucky.  What did I do to deserve so much?

    How could I think anything but how lucky I truly am as I read my wife’s testimony?  She is strong, and powerful, truly a queen, and we are one.

    As I read, I’m struck by the similarities in our stories.  The falling away, not knowing if / not wanting to come back, the prayer and feeling of atonement, dreams, pushes, promptings, coincidences.

    I’m brought to tears as I read my wife’s story.  All God did to bring us together can be read in between those lines.

    She wrote this April 20, 2016.  I came back to church, where I eventually met her, in March of 2016.  Coincidence?  Come on.

  • The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    This is my wife, Beth’s testimony exactly as written.  Names have been changed.

    In a future post I will give some of my thoughts about this, but for now, the power of her testimony should stand on its own, unencumbered by any comments I could hope to make.

    Here it is.

    The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    April 20, 2016

                   I just read my patriarchal blessing for the second time since I got it. It confirmed promptings I’ve been having lately that I should do some journaling for myself and posterity so, even though it is past midnight I felt it better to do this than mindlessly fall asleep to some Netflix show. The past few years have had so much I don’t know how to fit everything I should write to remember. So, because of my failings as a journal writer, it will have to be a highlight reel of life. I just feel some changes that have occurred are too important to neglect to include.

                   I am in my third year at ASU. I love it, I love learning, but my diagnosis with clinical depression in October 2015 has really been a roadblock in my ability to work hard. Luckily, after dropping out for a semester, I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’m not taking medication anymore but I’ve been hiking often and the feeling I get from pushing myself and being physically fit really serves as a great anti-depressant. So I’m back in school with just 9 credit hours, but hard classes. (1920’s senior thesis, history of college sports, and existentialism) I will probably graduate in about a year and do some sort of graduate school program. I previously had been dead set on going to law school. However, I’ve had to rethink my career path after being diagnosed with the depression episode. I don’t really trust myself to be able to go through law school. I always had 100% confidence in my academic capabilities. Now, I’ve taken a real hit to that confidence. My patriarchal blessing does mention that through my righteousness I will have many different career options. That has been comforting.

                   Life has been full of changes the past year. I think the biggest one that I will write on is about the ending of my very serious relationship with John for 2 ½ years and my decision to come back to church. I dated him from senior year of high school all the way up to just short of my 21st birthday. I really thought I loved him. He and I had plans to even get married one day. We were HS sweethearts and he was what I considered my first real love. I feel a real sense of anger at the situation but I also can’t help but think I will always love who he used to be and what we used to have.

    Initially, since about sophomore year of high school, I was set on not being LDS. I didn’t have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I didn’t believe what the prophets spoke about. I wanted to live contrary to many of the commandments. I never cared to enter the temple. I was prepared to live that life with John too. We were definitely not living by LDS standards and that is exactly what I wanted. I was perfectly happy breaking the word of wisdom and living contrary to the law of chastity, among other things. Our relationship was never perfect. We fought often. He drank. I remember one day he drank so much he wound up in the hospital knocked out. For approximately 5 hours I sat there watching him, angry, upset, feeling betrayed, but wanting to show compassion. He cheated on me many times. I would often find messages on his phone texting other girls. He was perfectly fine with going out and getting drunk with other girls when I wasn’t around. Dramatic scenarios like these were often. I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. But I lost touch with who I used to be or who I could be. And when there were good times, I felt some amazing love. I just started to realize I had a better potential and I deserved better.

                   The changes came slowly at first. I remember when Clark was on his mission, I had one night where I felt so very, extremely alone. Not just physically but much deeper than that. It was dark. I was overcome by hopelessness. It was a feeling I almost lack the ability to explain. I now think it was a result of separating myself so far from the spirit that the light from Christ dimmed. I was prideful. I hadn’t prayed in years. But I did. I prayed in that moment. Desperately. I pleaded with God, please take this feeling from me even though I know I don’t deserve it. Immediately, my fear dissipated and calm overwhelmed me. That was the first time I understood how real prayer was. I wish I could convey that feeling to others. It was painful, scary, optimistic, and inspiring all at once. That was a start.

                   Any institute classes at ASU helped too. I didn’t mind studying the gospel from an intellectual standpoint so I liked going. I read scriptures. I discussed the gospel. I often was so eager to share what I learned with John. Sometimes he’d listen, other times he’d pretend to. It was awkward. I wanted to share what I found profound and he was resistant. But again, there were slow changes creeping in. I was realizing what the words of the gospel could mean. And he was realizing that he wanted nothing to do with it.

                   The real changes began around the start of 2015. I had quit or was about to quit partaking in most of the big sins I had been living in for years. I had already quit drinking and I was ready to cut-off the intimate aspect of my relationship with John. I had an institute class on the Teachings of the Latter-Day Prophets at this time. For some scheduling reason, I missed that class often. To make up absences we had to write papers on general conference talks. (Which I had never listened to previously in my life) So I did it. And that was a blessing in disguise. Again, I took it as an intellectual opportunity, like listening to Gospel TED Talks. At first I learned a lot. But then I began to feel a lot. I studied the atonement. And the friendship and companionship of Christ. I studied talks on being genuine and being compassionate. I began to slowly feel a change of heart, a softening of a heart that had been proud for many years. And even though I thought I was happy before, I started to feel joy. Real joy. And I started to feel love for others. Real Christ-like love. And I started to understand my divine purpose. The real potential I could live up to. Then came the dreams that gave the final push.

                   I’ve had vivid and detailed dreams for a few years now. Often they are silly. But often they are profound. Sometimes they even come true. I know that for many of us, the spirit speaks to us in dreams. For context, it is important to know I never wanted to get married in the temple before in my life and I never had been the kind of girl to dream excessively of my wedding day either. However, I had about four dreams where I was walking out of the temple in a white dress looking happier than I’d ever been lovingly holding the hand of a man. These dreams always ended right before I saw the face of the man I married. One night, I had the fifth identical dream but this time the man was John.

                   In addition, I had another dream that my friend Mike was home from his mission, in white, crying and saying how proud he was while hugging another person dressed in white. As he turned around it became clear it was John on his baptism day! So with these dreams I thought I knew what it meant! John and I would change our ways, repent, convert, and live happily ever after.

                   But of course that isn’t what happened. As a side note, I now have a different interpretation of those dreams. I think God was showing me what could be. What I should want to be. And as I saw that possibility play out in my dreams but realized that it could not be a reality in real life I had to consider what I truly wanted and expected for myself. After I broke up with John I had the wedding dream only once more. It was once again identical to the dreams before. But I saw the man I was going to marry. It isn’t like I could list a particular physical look I had for him but it’s as if I knew who he was anyway. As if the trust and love I had for him made me know him. And it made me desire so much to strive to one day be endowed so that I will get to marry that man and walk out of the temple with him one day. That was the first time I wanted to go through the temple. I now hope to be endowed and sealed one day.

    So after these dreams I tried to appeal to John, first by asking him to quit drinking. I wanted so badly to have the life I thought I knew we could have. But we were sent here with free will and someone needs to want to change in order to truly change. He did not want to change. The last few months were devastating. I thought I loved John, I was otherwise so happy, but my relationship was suffering. I was starting to open up to the gospel, to build a relationship with Christ. I was doing well in school, I was making many friends. But we had diverged. Thankfully I was blessed to be given so many obvious signs of what was right that I knew without any doubt there was no turning back from the Gospel at this point. I either go forward with this change next to John or I go forward without him. But I had to go forward And so June came, he sat on my front doorstep. We talked kindly but distanced. And that was it. I was sad. The man I thought I loved was gone. But inexplicably I felt so at peace. It felt okay. I felt optimistic. I sensed a hard path ahead but I knew it was going to be worth it.

                   So here I am with that journey under my belt. It has left me at times feeling damaged. I’m generally a confident person but I took a real hit to my self worth after this. The depression has made me feel like I’m not as smart or capable as I thought I was. My failed relationship made me feel I’m not worth someone’s loyalty or commitment That no matter how pretty or smart or funny or confident they think I am that a life with me wasn’t worth giving up something as trivial as alcohol. That my friends weren’t wiling to stick around when I chose to give up sin and follow Christ. But the gospel keeps me going.

                   I can’t wait to love someone that chooses to love me fully back. I hope one day I can trust myself to do that. I hope one day I can give 100% of my love and feel it back. I want to trust that I’m worth someone’s loyalty. I want to trust I’m worth a righteous man. I pray to become better through this trial so I can be worth it one day.

    And in the end of this trial I realize I’m grateful for it. I look to those times where I was given a sign and a testimony loud and clear when I’m beginning to doubt. And I’ve doubted. I was proud enough to think blessings would rain down on me immediately after this big step. They didn’t, at least not in the form I had expected. I’ve dated in the YSA ward but there hasn’t been anyone I’m seriously in to. In fact I almost find myself incapable of emotionally attaching to anyone. I’ve dealt with crippling depression. I lost friends. People decided they would choose John over me. They decided it was better to have the partying John than the sober Beth. I lost direction in my career path. But among all these trials I now understand what is temporary and what is eternal. It was the most alone I had ever felt. But I finally knew I wasn’t really ever alone.

                   I had to go through my own repentance process with the bishop. (Farnsworth then Thurston) It was scary. But I now love and feel the atonement for real. Every time I pray, I thank Heavenly Father for Christ’s atonement. I needed the atonement then, and I need it now. My testimony in the atonement holds me over when my testimony in other aspects is less stable. My testimony of the eternal nature of being is so strong. My testimony of Christ’s personal relationship to us through prayer is tangible.

                   I love Christ. I feel him there because he knows my pain. He’s been my friend when all hope was gone. I’m not completely myself again but I find joy in reaching out to those who I sense also feel alone, damaged, or scared. My trial has given me an ability to reach out to those in pain just as Christ does. And I feel real, Christ-like love that I’ve never felt before. I look at people with a new light now because of it.  I try to understand the principle of forgiveness because I need it. I long to maintain an eternal perspective because I knew what challenges there were to face on Earth yet I boldly said I was ready to do it. And I will continue to do so.

                   I look forward to the day I can look back and understand the ‘why’ of my experiences and trials. But for now I will press on with hope and gratitude. I know my Savior lives. I hope I never doubt it! I hope I never forget. I am so grateful for the hard times. I’m grateful for humility and for this clarity. I’m so grateful for my story.

    Elisabeth Brooke Cannon

  • TRUTH about Heaven

    TRUTH about Heaven

    On November 19, 1823, a young man named Alvin Smith died.  The Smith family asked a Presbyterian minister to officiate at Alvin’s funeral.  “As Alvin had not been a member of the minister’s congregation, the clergyman asserted in his sermon that Alvin could not be saved.  William Smith…recalled: ‘[The minister]… intimated very strongly that [Alvin] had gone to hell, for Alvin was not a church member, but he was a good boy and my father did not like it.” (Teachings: Joseph Smith, 401, 403).

    On January 21, 1836, while in the temple at Kirtland, Ohio, the heavens were opened up to a still young man named Joseph Smith.  It was recorded:

    1 The heavens were opened upon us, and I beheld the celestial kingdom of God, and the glory thereof, whether in the body or out I cannot tell. 

    5 I saw Father Adam and Abraham and my father and my mother; my brother Alvin, that has long since slept;

    6 And marveled how it was that he had obtained an inheritance in that kingdom, seeing that he had departed this life before the Lord had set his hand to gather Israel the second time, and had not been baptized for the remission of sins.

    7 Thus came the voice of the Lord unto me, saying: All who have died without a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be heirs of the celestial kingdom of God; 

    8 Also all that shall die henceforth without a knowledge of it, who would have received it with all their hearts, shall be heirs of that kingdom;

    9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts.

    10 And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven. 

    Matthew 7 of the Joseph Smith translation has an important clarification:

    1 Now these are the words which Jesus taught his disciples that they should say unto the people.

    2 Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment.

    What is, righteous judgement, then? From the New Testament Student Manual:

    “President Dallin H. Oaks explained these teachings and their application, basing his comments on the principle “that there are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make, but upon righteous principles:

    “First, a righteous judgment must, by definition, be intermediate. It will refrain from declaring that a person has been assured of exaltation or from dismissing a person as being irrevocably bound for hellfire. It will refrain from declaring that a person has forfeited all opportunity for exaltation or even all opportunity for a useful role in the work of the Lord. The gospel is a gospel of hope, and none of us is authorized to deny the power of the Atonement to bring about a cleansing of individual sins, forgiveness, and a reformation of life on appropriate conditions.

    “Second, a righteous judgment will be guided by the Spirit of the Lord, not by anger, revenge, jealousy, or SELF-INTEREST(my emphasis added). …

    “Third, to be righteous, an intermediate judgment must be within our stewardship. We should not presume to exercise and act upon judgments that are outside our personal responsibilities. …

    “Fourth, we should, if possible, refrain from judging until we have adequate knowledge of the facts. …

    “A fifth principle of a righteous intermediate judgment is that whenever possible we will refrain from judging people and only judge situations. … We can set and act upon high standards for ourselves or our homes without condemning those who do otherwise. …

    “Sixth, forgiveness is a companion principle to [this] commandment. … In modern revelation the Lord has declared, ‘I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men’ (D&C 64:10).

    “Seventh, a final ingredient or principle of a righteous judgment is that it will apply righteous standards” (“‘Judge Not’ and Judging,” Ensign, Aug. 1999, 7, 9–12).”

    I will refrain from judging that minister at Alvin’s funeral who failed in almost all these points laid out by President Oaks.  I will leave that judgement to God for such behavior.

    What I will say is this:  the hateful, vengeful God that condemns young children and the ignorant to eternal hellfire, is not my God.  My God doesn’t create someone, give them a body, send them to earth, only to condemn them to eternal damnation because they never committed to a God they never heard of.

    Where is the justice, mercy, and LOVE of that God?  There is no love in that God.  That is not my God.

    My God loves all His children.

    1 Peter 4:6 “For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” 

    How can it be, then? How can men be judged in the flesh when their flesh has long since been laid in the ground and returned to the dust from which it was formed?

    Salvation for the dead through ministering to the dead.  Baptisms and ordinances for the dead.  Ordinances that the dead cannot, once dead, perform for themselves.  For we, without them, cannot be made perfect, as they, without us, cannot be made perfect (Hebrews 11:40, D&C 128:18).

    Truth.

    Pure.

    Simple.

    If this doesn’t make sense to you, please, re-read it.  Then read it again, then read it again.  New wine is difficult to fit in old bottles.  Then ask me, and maybe I can explain in better.  I know the missionaries can.

    God doesn’t condemn you or your loved ones to hell because you haven’t met or been taught of the true Him.  This is the great evil that Satan has perpetuated throughout Christianity.

    THAT IS NOT GOD.

    God is love.  You, your father, your father’s father.  He loves all of you.  And you will all be able to hear the truth before any judgement is made.  I love that God, and I am grateful for Him.  And I am grateful for Joseph Smith for these pure, simple truths that he restored.  And I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who affords me all this: forgiveness, love, peace, eternity with my family.  Because He suffered for me.  Again, and again and again and again I say, thank you.

    To learn more about TRUTH:

    CLICK HERE

  • Teaching in Heaven

    Teaching in Heaven

    I was having a conversation with a very close friend about the Church.  Topics ranged from authority, to the Book of Mormon, to prophets. 

    As I was having this conversation I realized how uphill the battle was to describe these things to someone whom the topic was so foreign to. It wasn’t that my friend was flawed in any way.  In fact, if there was any flaw it was in my ability to communicate with the English language things of such magnitude, such importance, such eternal significance. These situations are a reminder to me of how blessed I’ve been to be raised with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

    I’ve had many such conversations.  Battling the biases, worldly distractions, and worldly concerns, so inherent and built into us while here during this mortal journey.

    As I was having this conversation with my friend, and struggling with the constant frustration of feeling like I’m just not doing justice to these spiritual topics through my words, something happened that’s never happened to me before.  I had a vision of sorts.  Really, it was simply a daydream.

    I saw myself after this life.  I saw this friend.  I saw the scales of mortality removed from his eyes and I saw that I would have the opportunity one day to teach these things again. When that opportunity came, language, bias, and distraction would not be part of the equation.  I saw that one day this friend would remember who he really was, and he would know who I really was, and I would be able to teach him.

    Countless friends started to pop up in my mind around this friend the conversation was being had with.  Countless people; from small, seemingly insignificant interactions to long drawn out discussions about the doctrine of Jesus Christ. I saw many people in my mind whom I love with all my heart. I saw them around me, and me able to teach them. Finally in a way they would understand. Without all my flaws and lack of ability to communicate holding them back.

    I realized this friend would accept the gospel.  No doubt in my mind.  One day, here or there.  The time spent here, with all the shortcomings in my communication, these conversations were planting seeds.  And one day, when I stand before him in all his eternal glory, he will accept my words because the seed was already there, from mortality.  He would remember our conversations here, and it will make it so much easier for him to accept Christ and His gospel there.

    I realized this situation would be with so many people I know here.  So many people I just can’t quite get the rights words, feeling, spirit, or power to persuade to see what I see and feel what I feel.  Again, no fault of those around me.  We all have our own journeys.  One day I’ll be able to teach again.  I look forward to that day.

    For anyone who has read a single word of my blog posts: you will be in that group I so anxiously wait to teach.  I thank you for reading, and look forward to that day when we remember who we are, and can be united under the name that grants us all we have, all we’ve ever had, and all we will ever have.

    The name of Jesus Christ.  Our redeemer.  Our Savior. 

  • Am I a Christian?

    Am I a Christian?

    I was told I’m not a Christian.

    I was looking to attend a Christian University and when the counselor I was speaking to heard I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints she got kind of upset.  She seemed truly disappointed to break the news to me.  “You can’t attend this university if you are not Christian.”

    Yes!

    I was so excited to respond to that.

    “I’m sorry if there’s confusion, but I am very Christian.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.” I emphasized.

    She didn’t seem convinced.

    “I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, He is the Savior of the world, He is my Savior.  He died so I can live.  He came to this earth to sacrifice His mortal life for me.  Christ has always been and will always be my Savior.”

    We went around in circles like this for a bit.

    Finally, she said with exasperation, “Do you believe Jesus Christ visited the Americas?”

    An emphatic, “Yes, I do.”

    Her reply, “Oh you see, we don’t believe there is any evidence of this in the Bible.  I’m sorry.  You don’t believe in the same Christ we do.”

    The same Christ?

    Speaking of “evidence” in the Bible that Christ may have visited the Americas leads me to Ezekiel 37:16 which reads:

    “Moreover, thou son of man, take thee one stick, and write upon it, for Judah, and for the children of Israel his companions: then take another stick, and write upon it, For Joseph, the stick of Ephraim and for all the house of Israel his companions.”

    These sticks are the Book of Mormon and the Bible.  One from Judah and one from Joseph. 

    More “evidence” in John 10:16:

    “And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.”

    I put quotes around “evidence” because evidence is a funny thing.  Anyone can read those two scriptures and explain them away.  The real evidence is in the Book of Mormon.  Read it.

    How can someone who has never read the Book of Mormon with its constant references to Jesus Christ, its beautiful and simple doctrine of Jesus Christ, and its eloquent teachings of Jesus Christ, tell me I’m not Christian?  By their fruits you shall know them.

    Do other Christians think Christ wouldn’t visit all His children across the globe?  Do other Christians think Christ didn’t have time to show love to His other sheep?  Do other Christians think Christ only loved the Jews in Israel?

    Maybe we don’t believe in the same Christ.

    But I do know that we believe in the same Christ.  I know other Christians are confused about the nature of Jesus Christ and I know the Book of Mormon can shed light on His true nature and teach “Christianity” so much about our Savior whom they profess.  He is everyone’s Savior.  That is why I was so anxious to tell her about the Book of Mormon and explain to her that the Bible DOES testify of the Book of Mormon and show evidence that Christ visited the Americas.

    I know she didn’t hear all of what I was trying to say that day.  I know she was clouded by biases and preconceived notions.  That’s ok.  I know she’ll get a chance to learn about Jesus Christ’s love for all His children and His visit to the Americas.  Someday.

    Read the Book of Mormon for yourself.  Let me know if it’s not the purest, most beautiful, most amazing description of the Gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth today.