No Coincidences

Tag: love

First year of marriage during a pandemic-oh my!

Beth and I have been married for 15 months. If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine. It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice. But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020! I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.

First let me comment on the pandemic. While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around. Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us. We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months. It’s crazy to think about. What’s even crazier is I love it. It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her. We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day. That was great. As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together. It’s been nice.

It hasn’t been all roses and bliss. While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations. I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).

Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in. If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her. I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that.

I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice. This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking. He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart. He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return. Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife. You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.

My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example. He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return. Christ served only to serve. He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ. Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ.

It hit me how dumb I’d been. Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions. I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.” I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love. It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married. He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.” I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.

I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart. Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home. I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.

Let me be clear about something. I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point. While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate. I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws. I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me. I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her.

Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed. Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration. I have to stop myself and remember. Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something? No. I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife. She does so much around the house and does so much for me. There’s no keeping score. Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.

The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel. We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible. It’s what we’re here to learn. We’re here to learn patience and love. I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving.

I see a sad trend in our society and the world today. We give up too easy. Love and marriage aren’t easy. If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding. We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it. It makes me sad. Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life. Too many people give up too quickly. It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.

I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life. From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities. I’m grateful for my marriage. I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity. I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die. I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉. (Just kidding! Were you paying attention? No brownie points!)

I’ll conclude with a great quote. The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley. I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult.

“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

September 10, 2020
Satan’s Story

Who is Satan?

I believe a careful reading of different scriptural records gives us a picture of Satan’s progression and tells us how he ultimately ended up cast down. There will be a lot of scriptural references here (duh). If you follow the story something becomes pretty clear about Satan. There’s a major revelation I learned about Satan that I never understood, and I don’t think many church members know.

Before I start I want to mention, my interest in studying Satan is the opposite of my interest in studying Christ, but helps with the same purpose. I think it’s good to study Satan to see how he fell and to avoid the behavior he exhibited that led him there. Through his story you see examples of pride, unrighteous ambition, anger, envy, jealousy, bitterness, selfishness, along with many other negative attributes. All of Satan’s attributes are the direct opposite to the traits of Jesus Christ. Ultimately Satan became a being of darkness. He rejected all light. Many around us reject light and I think as we understand Satan and understand his motivations (to tempt, enslave, and control us) we are better suited to withstand him. With that, we begin.

Satan’s story starts in the Book of Moses chapter 4:1-2:

1 And I, the Lord God, spake unto Moses, saying: That Satan, whom thou hast commanded in the name of mine Only Begotten, is the same which was from the beginning, and he came before me, saying—Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.

2 But, behold, my Beloved Son, which was my Beloved and Chosen from the beginning, said unto me—Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.

Here we see what I believe is well known to Latter-day Saints. Heavenly Father asked, “who will I send?”

Satan came forth and responded, “Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.”

Christ said, “Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.”

We know what happens here, though it isn’t said in these two verses. Christ is chosen by the Father.

Now we’re going to jump to a new book of scripture to continue Satan’s story. Abraham 3:24-28 reads:

24 And there stood one among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell;

25 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;

26 And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate; and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever.

27 And the Lord said: Whom shall I send? And one answered like unto the Son of Man: Here am I, send me. And another answered and said: Here am I, send me. And the Lord said: I will send the first.

28 And the second was angry, and kept not his first estate; and, at that day, many followed after him.

In verse 24 – “one among them that was like unto God” – clearly refers to Jesus Christ. He is speaking to “those who were with him.” He goes on to talk about the first and second estates of man, of us. Verse 27 is where it gets important.

Verse 27 – The Lord (Jesus Christ) said, “Whom shall I send?” Note that Christ is following the same pattern He learned from His Father. “And one answered like unto the Son of Man.” This is Adam, the first man, or Michael as he was known in the premortal existence. Adam said, “Here am I, send me.”

Still in verse 27 – “And another answered and said: Here am I, send me.” – This will prove to be Satan.

“And the Lord said: I will send the first.”

Now the critical verse 28:

“And the second was angry, and kept not his first estate; and, at that day, many followed after him.”

So, it is clearly put forth here. I always thought Satan rebelled at Christ being chosen by the Father, and maybe he did in his heart. If you read Moses chapter 4 straight through that is how it seems. But when you read this story sequentially, we see what actually happened. Christ was chosen by the Father. Christ is essentially now leading the “project” under the direction of Heavenly Father. He is standing with others helping in the work. He follows the Father’s pattern and asks who will be the first man. Here Christ chooses Adam over Satan.

This adds a dimension to my understanding of Satan. A couple things of note. First, we know from the beginning Satan wanted the glory and wanted all of God’s children to return to heaven (see Moses 4:1). When he is passed over, he doesn’t openly rebel yet. When Christ is choosing who will be the first man, it’s possible Satan still saw a way to foil God’s plan and have all the honor given to him. He would go down as the first man and he would refuse to fall. If Satan went as the first man and refused to fall, man could never choose and therefore could never sin. If man couldn’t sin, there would be no need for a redeemer, there would be no choice, repentance, or progression. Satan would bring everyone back to heaven and in so doing destroy their agency. I think this was his plan.

Christ wisely chooses Adam to be the father of all and lead the human race into mortality.

It’s at this point we see Satan has had enough. He’s been passed over once by the Father. Now the one who took what he believed to be his rightful spot is choosing to pass him over as well.

Verse 28: “And the second (Satan) was angry, and kept not his first estate; and, at that day, many followed after him. – Emphasis added.

Here we see Satan’s rebellion. Here we see he leads “many” away. Before we continue with Satan’s story, I feel it’s important to remind you: Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you kept your first estate and are in the process of keeping your second estate. Keep it up and you’re promised to “have glory added upon (your) head for ever and ever” (Abraham 3:26).

Back to Satan.

Our story picks back up in Revelations chapter 12. I’ll be using the Joseph Smith Translation as it makes everything so much clearer.

The first part of Revelations 12:4 reads:

“And there appeared another sign in heaven; and behold, a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth.”

The great red dragon is obviously Satan, and here we see he drew away one third of the children of God after him. He and his followers were cast down to earth.

Revelations 12:6

“And there was war in heaven; Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon and his angels fought against Michael;“

Michael (Adam) and his angels fought against Satan and his angels.

Verse 7 tells us that Michael and his angels (who might be us!?) prevailed.

Revelations 12:8

“Neither was there place found in heaven for the great dragon, who was cast out; that old serpent called the devil, and also called Satan, which deceiveth the whole world; he was cast out into the earth; and his angels were cast out with him.”

Here we see the official result. There was no more place found in heaven for Satan, his followers, and their rebellion against Christ, which meant rebellion against God. Satan’s plan was foiled. He was not chosen to be the redeemer of man and he was not chosen to be the first man where he could foil God’s Plan of Salvation. He was cast down, in bitterness.

In conclusion, it doesn’t appear Satan rebelled at the outset. He was conniving and always looking for another way to enslave us, God’s children. I mentioned it earlier but every person on this earth already chose Christ. We were not fooled by Satan. We are here.

How did Satan get one third to follow him? I think if we carefully consider this question we can come up with some likely possibilities. There were many in the premortal existence that maybe didn’t properly prepare for this life, our second estate. When the time came to be tested, those who didn’t prepare would be fearful. We knew that some would fail to reach the Celestial Kingdom, and those among the host of heaven who had not used their agency to prepare well for mortal life were likely cognizant of that fact. From there it would be easy for Satan to convince some that they would fail, and they should therefore follow him.

Secondly, I believe Satan’s focus in the premortal life would have been to doubt Jesus Christ and his ability to redeem us. I believe Satan would have told many that Christ would fail, and then what? They would all fail and never be able to return home. I believe Satan likely attacked Christ. This would also be an attack on the ability to repent. Satan would have told those who didn’t use their agency well premortally that they wouldn’t use their agency well in life, that they wouldn’t repent, and change, and improve, and would ultimately fail. It’s the same tactic Satan uses today.

I invite everyone to hold firmly in your heart, remember, you chose Christ already. You were valiant already. You were brave already. You may have already fought Satan in heaven with Michael. You won. You are still fighting Satan today and you can still win. Remember that he is the father of lies, and Christ is our salvation. Look to Christ, keep your faith in him, keep repenting, keep changing, keep looking to Christ and we will all return to Him again.

I know that Satan is never giving up, just like he never gave up in the premortal life. Just like in the premortal life we will prevail. We have Christ on our side. With Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father on our team, we cannot lose.

August 27, 2020
How did I get here?

What is my goal in writing this blog?

Hopefully to uplift someone, anyone. Believer, nonbeliever. Member of the Church of Jesus Christ, member of any church, member of no church. I’d like to teach people who know nothing about this faith some of what I believe. I’d like to share with members of my faith the things that have impacted my testimony.

Recently a new motivation has emerged. With a daughter on the way I realize one day she can read all this. Whether or not anyone reads any of this. One day my daughter might.

Right now, I’m posting individual posts that are unrelated to each other. Mostly my thoughts and musings. As I post more, I plan on categorizing posts into certain sections. If someone could come to this page and read a quick one to two-page entry and leave slightly uplifted, that’s my ultimate goal. Most of my writing I hope to be somewhat thought provoking. Just things I’ve thought about or ideas and concepts that have really impacted me and changed the way I’ve looked at life.

I hope for this to be informational. I was greatly impacted by the writing of a man, John Pontius. As I read more, I’m impacted by the writings of many people who took the time to put thoughts on paper. Maybe something I write one day will help someone. I also hope to discuss what I feel makes the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ special. I hope for people not of my faith to read, and maybe have something stirred in their souls. Something that reminds them of where they came from, and maybe have a desire to learn more about Christ’s Church and what makes it so important.

As I write I’ll share a lot about me. I wanted a section to describe, briefly, who I am and how I got here.

Anybody reading on my page will immediately notice the strong religious theme. It’s what I think about most. For a portion of my life, it was not this way.

About me:

I was born in Payson, Utah in 1990. I moved to St. George, Utah when I was ~5. I moved to Las Vegas, Nevada when I was ~9. I lived in three houses from ages 9 to 18 in Las Vegas. We moved a lot and that was always difficult for me while growing up.

Payson, Utah

St. George, Utah

Las Vegas, Nevada

In 2009 I moved to Arizona to go to Arizona State University. I decided early on I didn’t want to go to UNLV (University of Nevada Las Vegas) or UNR (University of Nevada Reno). I wanted to get out of Nevada, I wanted a fresh start. I had no family in Arizona. Las Vegas wasn’t far, but I would be completely on my own.

I still remember when I was driving to Arizona for orientation with my mom. She got sick on the way and we stopped. I think we were in Boulder City, about an hour into the drive. I took her to the emergency room. My dad drove there to be with my mom. I had to be at orientation the next morning. I drove to Arizona by myself. It was the first time I’d driven that kind of distance alone and was symbolic of me becoming independent.

I went to ASU for five semesters. I studied construction management. I always did well in high school with minimal effort. I’m one of those obnoxious individuals who brags about never studying in high school. Boy did I learn my lesson once I got to college. My grades, with zero work ethic and desire, quickly reflected my effort. It didn’t help that I soon realized I wasn’t interested in what I was studying. Construction management can be interesting, but it wasn’t for me. There’s only so much I could take learning about the strength of concrete.

Like if you get the reference

My junior year I officially dropped out of college with (of course) the intention of going back and finishing once I found my passion. I say “of course” because that’s what we all say. During school I found that I was much more interested in parties, poker, and basketball than I was in learning about safety standards of construction sites. When I stopped going to school I continued to live on campus and enjoy college life, minus the higher education part. I spent a full year couch surfing. I’m sheepish to admit now, but I look back fondly on that year. It was a year spent staying up until 5am, waking up at 1pm, sneaking into the student rec center to play basketball, getting food, finding a party, rinse/repeat. It may sound like a pathetic use of time but it’s something I think I needed to experience.

If my daughter ever reads this – not everyone needs to experience this. That’s part of why I’m writing. To show that I made mistakes and lived life a certain way. Ultimately, I can’t regret it because it eventually got me to where I am today. I have learned through my own experiences where true happiness exists. True happiness comes from serving others, giving yourself to something bigger than yourself. True happiness comes from loving others. I had to go a round-about way to learn what’s important in life. Not everyone has to make things as difficult as I made things for myself.

During my time couch surfing, I was working odd jobs here and there to have enough money for food and extra-curricular activities. I went to Utah near the end of this adventure for some “soul searching.” After “finding myself,” or not finding myself, I ended up back in Arizona working as a helpdesk tech for two companies. I went with one of those companies 3 years later when they switched offices and took over as the Systems Administrator. I now (as of 2020) work for a managed services provider supporting various companies with their technology needs.

As I write this blurb about my journey and my past, many thoughts come to mind of what I learned along the way. I might refer back to this when I need a topic to write about. Like my lack of desire studying something I wasn’t passionate about or the years spent partying and what that taught me about what I want out of life.

Faith-wise, I started falling away from the church, due to my choices, when I was 16. I always had a testimony of this restored church, of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and Jesus Christ. That never changed. Despite my many mistakes and many wrong decisions, I always knew it was true. When I went to ASU I lost contact with the church completely. It amazes me to look back and realize I didn’t even know where the church building/institute building/anything related to the church was on campus. It’s like I’d lost connection with that part of me.

Throughout the years I’d attempt half-heartedly to return to church. It never stuck. I was completely inactive from about 18-25. Seven long years of inactivity.

As of this year, 2020, I’ve been back at church for four years and never been happier. I hope to express through my writing the joy the gospel has brought me and share some of my experiences that can maybe help others. That’s the hope. I’ve felt drawn to writing these entries so if one person is helped it’s a major win.

And if all these hopes fail, I’ll at least be able to look back on everything I’ve written. One day I can show my daughter and she can know I always believed. She can see it wasn’t always easy. She can see life has ups and downs, but it will work out. Have faith. That makes this worth writing.

August 13, 2020
Sunday Meditation and Basketball

In November of 2019 I started meditating every morning. I’m not doing anything real impressive. I spend the first 10 minutes of every day laying on my back on the ground. I started by listening to guided meditations on YouTube. Now I have the Calm App on my phone which I highly recommend. I rotate between guided meditations and simply laying with my eyes closed, in prayer and thought. Early on I found meditation to be extremely beneficial. My days would start off right. I would be calmer and more patient with any challenge that arose throughout the day. I know this is hard to gauge and measure. Maybe I wasn’t calmer or more patient, but I felt more calm and patient. That has to be almost as good.

When I started meditating, I immediately noticed answers to prayers. Those 10 minutes have become the most important 10 minutes of my day. I look forward to that time to spend with my own thoughts and with God. It’s an opportunity to slow down and think about what I want to accomplish; in life and for that day. It’s time to stop and consider all that I have to be grateful for.

I think I’ve written about his before, but when I was coming back to church, initially a big help was basketball on weekend mornings. For years my weekends were spent out late. When I was trying to stop drinking and stop going out as much, Saturday morning (7am) basketball became critical. It was something I could look forward to. It motivated me to stay in on a Friday night so I could get up early and play. I also played Sunday mornings. They were my two favorite days every week.

Weekend Warrior

Sunday morning basketball never conflicted with church. I was in the Young Single Adult Ward which didn’t meet until 1pm. I could easily play 7am-10am and have a few hours to shower, relax, read, study, and pray before church began.

One Sunday morning I got up to play like I always did. I was walking around my room getting dressed. It was time to walk out the door to leave so I bent over to pick up my gym bag. As I started to stand up the craziest thing happened. My back completely gave out. Luckily, I was near my bed (which still resided on box springs on the floor, like I liked it) so I literally fell sideways onto my bed. I was in excruciating pain. I called my mom and she said to take some ibuprofen, the basic mom guidance stuff. I still had it in my mind that I could go play. I was 26 years old, surely, I didn’t actually throw my back out…right? I quickly realized, I did.

Me that weekend

As I laid in my bed, I wondered what to do. I loved reading my scriptures, especially Sunday mornings after basketball and before church. So, I pulled out my scriptures and continued to read where I’d left off in the book of Alma.

I remember reading the story of the sons of Mosiah that morning in Alma 17-27. I remember being struck by one thing: the sons of Mosiah were offered the kingdom. They were each individually asked to be the king of their people. They were asked to rule, to have power, to have the comforts and honors of the world given to them for the rest of their life. Instead, they chose to forsake worldly possessions and go on a mission to the Lamanites. One by one they chose to reject kingship and go to a land of people that were open about their desire to kill any Nephite that came into their presence, let alone a Nephite set to inherit the Nephite kingdom.

What inspired Ammon and his brothers, the sons of Mosiah to forsake the kingdom and instead choose to preach the gospel? They saw an angel. I can’t describe exactly what happened to me that day, studying in my bed. Something happened. I was so filled with the spirit. I felt like I was floating. It was the most uplifting and edifying scripture study I’d ever had. I grew so much that morning. I haven’t played basketball on a Sunday since. That morning, along with learning so much about the sons of Mosiah and who I wanted to be, I also learned the value of keeping the Sabbath day holy.

I don’t think basketball was the worst thing to do on a Sunday morning, far from it. I think those first few months of Sunday morning basketball had a huge impact on me and helped me stay away from activities it was important for me to stay away from at that time. That morning though, I came to a crossroad. The temptations of prior months had lessened. I was immersing myself in the scriptures and praying daily. That morning I learned how much I could gain on Sunday mornings.

I haven’t played basketball on a Sunday since that morning I threw my back out. Instead, every Sunday morning I try to pray, read, and study. My study isn’t as good as it has been in the past, I can always improve. But, staying in on Sunday, preparing for church, praying, pondering my blessings, being with my wife, has become my favorite part of every week.

In November 2019 I started meditating every morning. I meditate 7 days a week. There’s a strange phenomenon I’ve experienced during this time. I meditate every single day. But, on Sundays, something is different. I don’t meditate with the hopes of becoming emotional. I enjoy it when it happens. I enjoy feeling the spirit so strongly that, as I lay on the ground in gratitude to my Heavenly Father, tears sometimes come to my eyes. It happens every so often. What I’ve noticed is it happens mostly on Sundays.

Without fail, as I lay and meditate on Sundays, I will be moved by the grace of Jesus Christ and the love of my Heavenly Father. I will contemplate the Atonement of my Savior. I’ll consider the suffering He went through for me. I’ll think about where I’ve been and where I am now. I’ll wonder how God can love us so much.

Grace of Christ

I bear testimony that Sunday is a special day. It’s not special because it’s specifically Sunday. That’s the day we, our society, have set aside as a day to worship. It could be Monday or Friday, doesn’t matter. What matters is it’s a day for the Lord. It’s important because it’s a day set aside for God. He has given us all our days, our lives, what is one day a week in return? I know that the Sabbath day is a special day. I know it holds power. I know it gives rejuvenating strength in a world that unceasingly sucks our spiritual resolve from us throughout the week. I know it because I’ve experienced it.

I would invite everybody to spend some time every Sunday morning in prayer. I promise you will feel something special. The Sabbath day is profound. Keep it holy. It was a long journey for me to truly appreciate the power of the Sabbath. I know that we’re blessed for keeping the Sabbath holy. In the scriptures, keeping the Sabbath is said to be what separates God’s people from the world. Keep the Sabbath holy and I promise God will pour out blessings on you. I know because he has on me.

August 7, 2020
You Sent a Dog to Comfort a Boy

I was 21 years old. I’d been couch surfing for a full year and starting to ask the serious questions. What was next? Was this me? Was there more for me to do? What do I do?

Sensing the end of my ‘no attachment to anything’ days I decided I needed to take advantage of my freedom while I still possessed it. No serious girlfriend, no serious job, no prospects for a serious job.

I decided to take a trip to the homeland. I packed up my teal ’98 Pontiac Sunfire and drove to Utah. I stayed with various family members, intending to be there a week tops. Weeks went by. I stayed with a cousin to party, I stayed with an aunt for movies and dinner, I stayed with grandparents for home cooked meals. Everything back then was tinted with selfish motivations.

Eventually I ended up at the home of my Aunt Laura, Uncle Jon, and cousin Sydney.

They had a dog named Bengie. He had been around a while. At this point he must have been around 4 years old. A little puppy-like dog, full of energy.

I stayed in the guest bedroom in the basement. I still don’t know if this was normal for Bengie, but every night I was there, when it came time to go downstairs for bed, he’d saunter down with me. I’d get in bed and he’d lay at my feet. Every night.

This was a soul-searching trip. One of the most spiritual experiences of my life happened in that basement. There were many tears. A lot of growing up and change happened there. Things were thought about that hadn’t been thought about for a long time. Options considered. Prayers said to God that had been avoided for so long. So many feelings and emotions. A post later this week called “Jonah and the Whale” will elaborate on these prayers.

Through all those emotional moments, I remember a dog. Sitting on the bed. Keeping me company. It was like God was saying, in a way my spiritually dimmed and simple brain could understand, “See him. He’s here for you. I brought him here for you.” Multiple times Bengie was hugged, talked to. You know, those weird, talk-to-the-dog-like-he’s-a-person moments. “What am I going to do Bengie? I’m scared.” He would look at me and it was like he knew; it was like he understood.

If ever there was a dog that understood…

I had a lot of comfort from that dog those few days.

So, when the time came that Bengie needed a home; Sydney was going to college and Uncle Jon wasn’t able to keep up with the day to day care of a still energetic, 11-year-old puppy, I jumped at the opportunity. My mom was talking to Jon about taking Bengie in. I asked and was prepared to beg. Let us take Bengie! Beth and I had just gotten married, I had just started coaching so Beth was home for hours and hours on her own.

It felt like the second time God sent just the right person, a dog, to answer not yet uttered prayers.

Today, I tell Beth that Bengie is my best friend, she can take second. Everyone else has fallen behind. Just like those days in that basement bedroom, seemingly alone, I’m never alone long. Any dog lover knows, especially with a velcro dog, he’s always there.

It was only a couple months in to having Bengie. We were at a dog park. As soon as we walked in a playful pit bull took an extreme interest in Bengie. It seemed playful. A small amount of concern set in when the owner of the pit bull quickly intervened, pulling her dog by its harness and dragging it, kicking and screaming, to the other end of the park. Beth and I continued to walk through the park. We were dog-sitting a giant golden doodle that day. So, Archie-the-golden-doodle ran bounding around the perimeter of the park. Bengie did his normal perusing, checking out the hot spots of the area.

Bengie was walking on his own, near no other animals or people. I didn’t go to the dog parks with Beth too often. It wasn’t in my nature to hover protectively over a dog when I did. Maybe something did feel off when we came in with the pit bull and the other dogs, being playful, I thought.

I saw the pit bull sprint right by me. It ran at Bengie. I continued walking towards them. I was maybe 15 feet away. I thought they were going to play. Bengie, not appreciating the sudden surprise charge of a bigger dog immediately got defensive.

It happened really fast. The pit bull bit Bengie around the neck and started swinging him around. I ran and grabbed the harness of the pit bull and yanked him back. Bengie fell out of his mouth. I pulled the pit away as he kept trying to get back to Bengie who was laying on the ground. The owner showed up and was trying to calm her dog. Beth showed up and scooped Bengie off the ground. I didn’t see it happen; all I saw was the blood pouring from the pit owner’s hand. I was lucky I got behind the pit bull. She made the mistake of getting in between a dog and what it now, apparently, deemed prey.

I’ll jump ahead, I don’t want to leave you in too much suspense. Bengie survived. By some miracle the pit bull didn’t get a full grip on his neck. Only one side of him was punctured, the other side of his neck was just grazed. If the pit got a proper grip, there’s no chance Bengie would have survived.

Puncture Wound

The next day was really difficult. Bengie wouldn’t eat or drink. He couldn’t walk, though he tried to. You know, because he couldn’t let us be anywhere in our home alone, even when he was near dying. I don’t know if you’re supposed to bless animals. I don’t think you’re supposed to. I didn’t anoint him with oil. But I held him, and I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed.

I know this will be silly to many. Once upon a time it may have been silly to me. But I love that dog so much. In that moment I felt a tiny glimpse into what it’s like to see a child suffer. I know, I know, he wasn’t a child, I get it. I’m still saying it. I love him like a child, and it was really, really hard to see him so hurt and in so much pain.

I can’t begin to understand, even consider the pain of losing a child. I can’t. I won’t let my mind go there and hope I never have to. I learned a tiny, infinitesimal bit of that pain that day.

Now, as my first daughter makes her way to my life, I realize how much Bengie has taught me.

I like to think I’ve progressed more from a boy to man in these past 9 years. Since those first days with Bengie, when he comforted me. He stayed by my side and slept at my feet. He watched me pray. He was there to look at me, with (I swear it) care in his eyes as I cried questions I had to ask.

One day I’ll write about my Aunt Laura and why she was so special. Bengie was her special companion and comforter through her last years. Beth said something interesting recently. She said, “Sometimes I look at him and think about all the comforting he’s done.” For Laura, for me, for Beth. Aren’t we lucky God has sent us such special friends?

You sent a puppy to comfort a boy. You sent a dog to teach a man.

July 13, 2020