No Coincidences

Tag: mistakes

One Eternal Round

I started making some bad decisions in high school. These decisions nearly derailed my life.

During that time I was becoming friendly with a girl. She knew about some of my bad decision-making.

One night when we were hanging out I told her I would never get married anywhere but a temple. This interested her. Why, she wondered, would someone like me, who seemingly cared nothing for this religion that I was raised with, care about a temple marriage?

I explained to her that I believed my church was true. If my church was true, then it held the authority to marry couples for eternity. That church, therefore, sealed families for eternity. I told her if I married someone I didn’t want it to end after we died. If I were to ever get married, I wanted it to be for eternity.

When I was in college my decision making had gotten increasingly worse.

On a night I don’t remember, it was later told to me that I bore my testimony to a girl at a party. I don’t remember any of this. Apparently, religion came up and I told her I knew the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was Jesus Christ’s church on the earth.

This girl asked the obvious question, “If you know it’s true, why are you doing the things you’re doing?”

I’m told I said that even though I wasn’t living the standards of the church, I couldn’t deny what I knew to be true.

That testimony that I don’t remember had a big impact on that girl.

Years later that first girl from high school sent me a postcard. That girl from high school had gotten baptized. Her postcard was one of a few critical moments that helped me come back to church and changed my life.

A month after that postcard, in the midst of my difficult journey back to church, I stumbled upon a Facebook message that had gotten blocked and I’d never seen. It was from years prior. It was from the girl at the college party, the girl I bore a drunken testimony to.

She told me she’d gotten baptized. She told me she had never let me know how big an impact that testimony had on her ultimately getting baptized. I visited her and her budding family. She was sealed in the temple. She had an eternal family. She was happy. It gave me strength to continue on the path of repentance that was so, so hard.

The girl from high school got married in the temple and now has three kids. She has an eternal family. She is happy.

A patriarchal blessing is extremely sacred. I share a short line from my blessing with the utmost reverence:

“Trouble not yourself over lost days, for you are an eternal being”

I can’t tell you how comforting those words were when I was trying to find strength to stay faithful, and how important those words continue to be to me.

It is all one eternal round to God (D&C 3:2). He knew I would stumble. What did He do when I stumbled? Put two people in my path that I could somehow, inexplicably, impact at my lowest, during my most degraded behaviors.

What did He do?

He put those two people back in my path when they could help me back. He put two people back into my life to help me remember what I always knew, what I was getting dangerously close to forgetting. He put two people in my path to remind me who I was. I am nothing special of myself, but I am a son of God. That is special.

I marvel at the workings of God. That He loves us so much that He gave us a world so we could leave our Heavenly home, just as children leave their homes here on earth to go out and learn, and grow, and fall. He gave us an earth to fall. But He allowed us a way back.

I know there is a way back.

I know that Jesus Christ allows that way back.

I know that God planned for everything. We are His work and His glory.

I can never deny what I know.

May 22, 2025
This is Repentance

Sometimes I struggle with the idea that my sins have been made completely white through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that I’m completely forgiven for everything I’ve done.

I know this disrespects the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that’s part of my biggest struggle. The last thing I ever want to do is belittle what Christ did for me.

The thing is, sometimes I still dwell on my past sins. Sometimes I still think about them. Sometimes I still feel remorse and guilt. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve paid the full penitence to those I hurt. Have my sins been washed away? Are they completely gone if I still remember them?

I rationalize this, and I believe it’s true, that I remember them for my benefit. I have to remember them or I might return to them. It’s the remembrance of guilt that keeps me from wanting to go back to being that person.

I understand this intellectually.

Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand how Christ can have forgotten my sins, washed them away as if they never happened, when I can’t forget them myself.

The young men I work with and I recently studied Isaiah chapter 1.

Isaiah 1:18 reads:

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

After reading that I emphatically emphasized something to those young boys. What I emphasized was this:

“When you truly repent, and show remorse, and try your absolute hardest to not do it again, Christ forgives and forgets your sins. Period. White as snow. It’s as if they never happened. Don’t be deceived. Satan will have you believe you can never be forgiven for a mistake. This is the great lie. You can be forgiven. If you repent, Christ will forgive. Not only that, He won’t even remember it. It’s like it never happened. I can’t stress this enough.”

That’s what I said to my young men, and I believe it’s true.

But… do I believe it’s true?

Given what I just wrote?

I had a thought today for the first time ever. I often think about the time of judgement. That time when we stand before Christ and have our life reviews. I’ve never feared that moment. The thought that occurred to me today is: why don’t I fear that moment? I have so much to be embarrassed by, so much to be ashamed of in my past behavior. Why haven’t I worried about it before? It occurred to me that one day my wife, Beth, will see how I once was. I’ve tried to tell her, but I don’t think she gets it. Then it occurred to me that my family will see it too. I will be so ashamed! Why haven’t I feared this before?

Then it hit me.

Maybe that’s repentance.

Repentance is knowing – yes, I did those things. Yes, I made many mistakes. But though my skins be scarlet (they are and were) they shall be as white as snow. As I type this, I hold back tears. That’s what Christ has done for me. That’s what repentance is.

Luke 15:7:

“I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.”

D&C 18:13:

“And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”

I am that soul. I don’t know how the life review will go. If my sins are forgiven and forgotten, are those parts reviewed? I don’t know. But what I realized was, and why I’ve never feared that moment, is even if all my abhorrent behavior is shown, it will be ok. It will be ok because I changed.

That thought of Beth seeing how I used to be? It occurred to me that maybe she’ll love me even more after seeing all of it because she’ll see how much I changed. She’ll be able to see the full picture of how far I came to be a semi-decent husband and father.

I think that’s what repentance is. Knowing that even if all your sins are laid out, you’re still forgiven.

That’s repentance.

May 9, 2024
Agency and Mistakes: Was Brigham Young Wrong?

Let’s start with an assumption.

What if Brigham Young incorrectly instituted the practice of the priesthood ban for black people?

We always think in this way that God can do anything, however He wants to. Why didn’t He fix the priesthood ban for blacks issue immediately after Brigham Young if it was in fact a mistake by Brigham Young?

We sometimes neglect to think that, if God were to fix things however He wants to, that would likely supersede our agency. This whole life is about us making choices. It would be a problem if God started correcting everything on this earth, especially with our many mistakes and shortcomings as mortals. It was never in God’s plan to supersede our agency, that was Lucifer’s plan.

But let’s take a bigger perspective on this.

What if God did correct this issue of black men not receiving the priesthood in the 1800s and early 1900s? What if He corrected it an eternity ago, when He created the Plan? God’s plan is perfect. God doesn’t always fix things the way we think He should fix things. In fact, He probably never fixes things the way we think they should be fixed. That’s what makes Him God and us tiny mortals trying with all our might to be like Him, but inevitably falling short.

God’s Plan was established well before black men were denied the priesthood through Earth’s late 19^th and early 20^th centuries. His plan allows all those who would have faithfully accepted the priesthood while in this life to lose out on nothing. This is in precisely the same way His plan accounts for His countless children who didn’t have access to the saving ordinances of the Gospel in life, whether that be due to the gospel not being present on earth, never hearing about it, or a child dying before reaching the age of accountability. God’s plan is perfect. He’s already thought it through. I assume those who have an issue with the delay in the Church allowing black men to have the priesthood also have an issue with the tens of millions of infant deaths each year. In that case, your issue is with your faith in God, not in any church policy.

I understand that these things are hard to understand while here. Some reading this may respond, “Yes, that’s precisely the issue I have: That many noble and worthy men weren’t allowed the priesthood and the millions of innocent children that die unfairly.” I understand this challenge. This is where faith comes in. I have faith in God, His Plan, His love, and that He will make all these things we don’t understand right. If we don’t have faith in those things, then yes, God is a monster that we should not worship. The God I know loves us and one day all these things will be understood.

Something to us, here, simple and short-minded on earth, that looks like a huge mistake – it’s not a mistake to God. All those who couldn’t get the priesthood due to an incorrect policy will receive it.

What if Brigham Young did make a mistake and what if the Church really would have collapsed if that mistake was corrected in the 1860s? THEN God’s church wouldn’t be on the earth. That seems like a real mistake. Again, God has thought these things through.

We have an example of this principle in the policy change instituted by Wilford Woodruff banning plural marriage. In Official Declaration 1 of 1890, now in the Doctrine and Covenants, Wilford Woodruff says,

“The question is this: Which is the wisest course for the Latter-day Saints to pursue—to continue to attempt to practice plural marriage, with the laws of the nation against it and the opposition of sixty millions of people, and at the cost of the confiscation and loss of all the Temples, and the stopping of all the ordinances therein, both for the living and the dead, and the imprisonment of the First Presidency and Twelve and the heads of families in the Church, and the confiscation of personal property of the people (all of which of themselves would stop the practice); or, after doing and suffering what we have through our adherence to this principle to cease the practice and submit to the law, and through doing so leave the Prophets, Apostles and fathers at home, so that they can instruct the people and attend to the duties of the Church, and also leave the Temples in the hands of the Saints, so that they can attend to the ordinances of the Gospel, both for the living and the dead?

“The Lord showed me by vision and revelation exactly what would take place if we did not stop this practice. If we had not stopped it, you would have had no use for … any of the men in this temple at Logan; for all ordinances would be stopped throughout the land of Zion. Confusion would reign throughout Israel, and many men would be made prisoners. This trouble would have come upon the whole Church, and we should have been compelled to stop the practice. Now, the question is, whether it should be stopped in this manner, or in the way the Lord has manifested to us, and leave our Prophets and Apostles and fathers free men, and the temples in the hands of the people, so that the dead may be redeemed.”

Sometimes we live with this thinking that God can do whatever so why doesn’t He? This, I think, is the basis of so many losing faith in Him. I look forward to the day when we are all reminded that we came to earth willingly, that we knew the Plan, and that we were eternally grateful for the opportunity to have freedom of choice and to learn right from wrong, away from Him (God), where it was completely up to us to make choices.

Again, we fall into this thinking, I think, that God can do anything He wants however He wants. Maybe. But God still works through us. God still gives us our agency. God still lives by laws. God said He allows plural marriage in the case where he wants to raise a righteous generation unto Himself (Jacob 2). What would we have had God do if He needed to grow the church membership in one generation? Import a couple hundred thousand men and women from space? The answer is – God works with us. He works within the world He has given us.

God allows us the bounds to make mistakes. Within those mistakes, God’s Plan works. I have faith in the truth of that. God takes our worst, and it becomes part of the Plan. He prefers our best, but He knows us better than we know ourselves.

On the question of if Brigham Young did make a mistake – again, maybe the answer is yes, but I will refer again to the Official Declaration 1 – this was Wilford Woodruff speaking, “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God” (emphasis added).

It is not in the program. It is not in the mind of God.

I believe in giving God all the power we actually try to take away from His power. God doesn’t watch things unfold her and go, “Oh crap, I need a righteous generation, let’s implement polygamy.” Or, “Oh man, Brigham isn’t listening, this is bad.” This was worked out long ago. Just because we don’t like the way God did things makes it all the more likely He did it perfectly, because we are dumb, and so limited in our view. We cannot comprehend the workings of God.

Did Brigham Young make a mistake? I don’t know.

I know who didn’t make a mistake. That’s where I put my faith.

September 7, 2023
God Loves a Returned Sinner

Luke 15:7 reads:

“I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.”

Why does heaven rejoice over a returned sinner?

Why does Christ love a returned sinner? This should be obvious. Christ loves a returned sinner because they’re utilizing His Atonement, the great gift He gave them. He suffered for that gift. Why wouldn’t He rejoice over it being used?

It’s very important to point out that this doesn’t make the returned sinner any better than the constantly faithful. Do you think God is up there thinking, “you were always upright. Too bad you didn’t sin some more so I could have increased joy”? Of course not. God loves the consistently faithful. I think another important point here is that we’re all sinners. So, by this scripture we can know, that God loves all who repent of sins. We all sin.

An individual from history who was a clear sinner, making evil choices, even if he didn’t realize it, was Paul. Paul ended up being one of the greatest missionaries ever but started as the greatest persecutor of the church. Paul received a miraculous visit from Jesus Christ. This converted him and he instantly changed his ways. As we read the scriptures, Paul’s change seems instant. But I believe there was a reason he had to travel blind for three days. I believe his change was actually slow and required a lot of humility.

Paul became an obvious example of Luke 15:7, heaven rejoicing. Paul was such a go-getter of persecution; the Heavens must have been excited to have him on their team once he converted. Imagine how the angels rejoiced when Paul turned to the Lord because they now knew how ferocious he would be for the Lord.

Peter can be seen as another example of someone who didn’t always make the right choices. Isn’t it amazing to read the New Testament and consider how flawed the individuals were who Christ chose to spread His word and be His ministers? Peter was no exception. You can look to Peter’s three denials of Christ as a great scriptural moment representing needing to learn a lesson, repent, and double down on conversion and commitment.

Peter made a huge, and life-altering mistake by denying Christ those three times. It was life-altering for how it helped Peter change his life. It could have been life-altering in how it turned Peter away from Christ. He could have gone the other way. Christ knew He wouldn’t. That’s why Christ picked Peter.

The show “The Chosen” does an interesting job of depicting Peter. What if Peter was kind of a bad guy? Not a bad heart, but did some bad things. A rough guy. A guy that made a lot of mistakes before he met Jesus and fell in as one of his apostles. Then, slowly, over much time around the Master, Peter became His primary apostle. Peter eventually became the president of Christ’s church.

The student manual for the book of Mark notes:

“Mark, more than the other Gospel writers, recorded the disciples’ shortcomings (see Mark 4:36-41; 6:52; 8:14-21). The disciples’ weaknesses stand in contrast to their greath faith and successes, which are depicted in the book of Acts, helping us appreciate the transformation brought about by the Resurrection and the outpouring of the Holy Ghost.”

Never judge a sinner. They can become the most kind, most gentle, most Godly person. We all have Godhood in us. One day our sins will be in great contrast to our faith and successes when we ultimately attain our full potential.

The Bible Dictionary definition of “conversion” states:

“Denotes changing one’s views, in a conscious acceptance of the will of God (emphasis added, Acts 3:19). If followed by continued faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism in water for the remission of sins, and the reception of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, conversion will become complete and will change a natural man into a sanctified, born again, purified person-a new creature in Christ Jesus (see 2 Cor. 5:17). Complete conversion comes after many trials and much testing (emphasis added, see Luke 22:32; D&C 112:12-13). To labor for the conversion of one’s self and others is a noble task, as in Ps. 51:13; Dan. 12:3; James 5:19-20; Alma 26; D&C 18:15-16.”

The part that stood out to me most from that definition was that complete conversion comes after many trials. I know it did for me. I had to experience the bitter to appreciate the sweet. I had to see how dark life could feel to appreciate Christ’s light. I know my testimony is stronger because I had to learn how dark it can be.

Did Peter experience his change through trials? Did Paul? I think they did. Those who go through the greatest trials and then turn to the Lord become his most devout followers. Paul was blind. That’s quite a trial. But when he saw the light, he never turned away from it again.

We all don’t receive miraculous visitations from Jesus Christ like Paul did, or get to work with Christ side-by-side like Peter, but we can still feel His presence, serve Him, and feel what it’s like to have Him by our side. Imagine how different your actions would be day-to-day if Christ was with you? Well, He is.

Sometimes I worry that faithful, day-one-never-wander latter-day saints are missing this. This devotion to the cause. This understanding of how much you need Him. It’s why trials happen. Otherwise, we’d all walk merrily through this life, never understanding the true depth of the Atonement and how desperately we need Him.

Now, trials come in all shapes and sizes. Just because someone appears to never have gone through “it”, doesn’t mean they’ve never gone through it. We never know the internal struggles, challenges, and difficulties someone faces in their faith. It’s usually not on the outside. But if you see a devoted person to God, you can assume they’ve been through something. It’s those somethings that bring us to Him.

God loves a returned sinner. Remember that whenever you make a mistake. While we don’t want to make mistakes, we always want to do our best, God will welcome us back with open arms when we make mistakes and repent. It’s a comforting thought whenever we mess up. God knows our heart. Part of making mistakes and repenting is truly regretting it. This doesn’t mean beating yourself up about it or getting too down on yourself, but it does mean truly feeling regret and remorse for mistakes. This can’t be faked. God knows your heart.

I think we can learn something really neat from examples like Peter and Paul. No matter how far we stray, God has a place for us. God doesn’t look at what we’ve been or what we are, but what we will be. He knows what we will be. He sees that in us. I’d guess it’s His greatest desire that we see in ourselves what He already knows is there.

Be like Peter and Paul. Be someone Christ can pick.

God loves a returned sinner.

January 6, 2023
Letter to a Lost Testimony

Someone close to me once said, “I hope you never lose your testimony. I’ve lost almost everything in life. I’ve lost a wife, jobs, money, houses, cars, friends; but none of it, none of it, compares to losing my testimony. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.”

This person, I’m very close with, I love him very much. This person has completely “fallen away” from the Church, as we say.

He is a great person.

I could have been him.

I could have gotten confused by doctrine, church history, and the plethora of other things to get confused by. I could have lost sight of the most important thing – Jesus Christ. It could happen to any of us.

I’ve long thought and pondered to myself ‘how can I help him return?’ Maybe I’m starting to learn I can maybe help him return, but I won’t be able to make him return. I’ve thought about lectures on DNA, elephants, steel, and horses. I’m prepared to discuss it all. But in the end that doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. The Book of Mormon will have its day. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is the Christ.

Getting into the discussions that led him away from the church – DNA, horses, elephants – that’s not going to help him return. Only the spirit, which I know he once felt, can help him return.

So, here is my letter to you. This is to a particular person in my life, but I think it can apply to so many people, to so many lives.

Thank you. Thank you for that quote you told me once above. I think about it often. Thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being an example to me. Thank you for reminding me that Christ’s Church is sometimes only as good as we make it. Thank you for encouraging me to read, and study, and KNOW it’s true. Your study of the gospel is legendary. I’ve heard of it not just from others. I know you studied. At some point you were deceived. No more flattering words or trying to softly deliver this message to your ego. You were deceived.

It’s not too late. It’s not too late to remember. It’s not too late to regain your testimony. You talk as if a testimony, once lost, can never return. As if you know too much and you can’t go back. I’m here to remind you, as I know God has over the past decades, that you know nothing. Try to read again, please. That’s all I ask. If only to prove me wrong. I know where peace comes from, and I want to remind you.

I know maybe The Church isn’t for everybody in this life. Or maybe that’s something I think so I don’t feel as bad when I can’t help someone see what I see and find the peace I’ve found. I know you’re happy. I know you’re OK. But I also know you can come back to so much more.

Finally, you were and are a good dad. You made mistakes. Your children love you immensely, I know that. Don’t ever confuse your mistakes to be unforgivable. I know life as a father isn’t always perfect. You have children as stubborn and as difficult as you are (I’m looking at all of you). Another thing you said about my dad has stuck with me since you said it roughly 9 years ago. I am lucky to have him, but I want to remind you that your family is lucky to have you too. We’re all lucky to have you.

I love you and so does He.

August 12, 2021