No Coincidences

Tag: peace

  • Revenge and Forgiveness

    Revenge and Forgiveness

    Israel

    Palestine

    Israel and Palestine

    Israeli War

    Aggressors in War

    Revenge

    Forgiveness

    9/14/25

    As I prepared to write on this topic that I quite honestly don’t want to write about, I listed out those possible titles for this post. If that list is an indication of anything, it’s how scattered my thoughts on this topic will be.

    I actively avoid politics. I aggressively avoid current affairs.

    It’s not that I want to, I’d like to be aware of the important things happening around the world. It’s that I feel like I have to.

    Politics and current events are so filled with hatred, vitriol, unkindness, unfairness, poison, and frankly stupidity that I have chosen to actively avoid it. This becomes a problem when my wife wants to discuss these things, and would really like her husband to be able to discuss it with her, and then she has to watch me like an ostrich putting my head straight into a hole. I just want no part of it.

    Recent events have led to me looking into some things.

    I hear so much leftist this and right wing that – I am aggressively trying to keep myself from knowing what these distinctions mean. Call me naive. I think it’s all so stupid.

    What does this have to do with those topics listed above?

    Just saying Israel and Palestine, I believe, ignites passionate political beliefs.

    If you need proof, yes, even wars are split along party lines:

    I do not like passionate political beliefs. I hope this post has nothing to do with politics.

    I hope this post has something to do with history, what’s right, and prophesy.

    I’ve written about Israel and Palestine before HERE and ten months later HERE.

    The Book of Mormon was written so that we, the Gentiles of today, will understand what is coming in our future. The Book of Mormon is meant for our day and is meant to guide us.

    I’ve recently been reading Hugh Nibley’s thoughts on what the Book of Mormon teaches us about how a civilization and a people can go wrong and destroy themselves.

    I probably lost most people at “prophesy.” Prophesy is real. And while I put my head in the ground about political affairs and current events, I think the rest of the world puts its head in the ground when it comes to prophesy.

    Hugh Nibley emphasized, as I’ve been studying his words regarding Mormon chapters 1-9, how the ancient inhabitants of Mesoamerica ultimately destroyed themselves. He detailed how the chosen people of this land, those who were given this land and given God’s covenant that it would be their land as long as they followed Him – how those people lost their favor and were destroyed.

    The extinction of a people started with:

    Pride.

    No repentance.

    War.

    Revenge.

    War is justified when it comes in self-defense. The thing I want to focus on here is revenge. Hugh Nibley talks about how the Nephites of the Book of Mormon were destroyed when they officially became a bloodthirsty people bent on revenge. God withdrew from them when they decided they would avenge all their fallen brothers who had been killed.

    Which leads to me today, long having put my head in the ground since that post about Palestine and Israel four years ago.

    I accidentally read an article about the current state of the Israel – Palestine war.

    I decided to write this post when I read this:

    “Signs for this old-new vocabulary are everywhere. It is common among Jews, for example, to add the initials for “blessed his memory” next to the name of the dead – but in this war, almost every soldier or civilian victim is memorialized with the phrase “Hashem yikom damo” (God will avenge his blood).”

    God punishes the wicked with the wicked. You don’t want to become the people punishing the wicked in the name of God. Because at that point, you are the wicked. And at that point, your day will come too.

    I fear how long the United State of America has felt the need to be the aggressor in the war against wickedness around the world.

    There is a big difference between wars of self-defense, wars of aggression, and wars of revenge.

    Ceasing to remember the blessed memory of loved ones and instead seeking to avenge blood is not God’s way.

    The world has long said this is how God works. It is not how God works. It is how Satan works. And when people think they’re acting on behalf of God but really being led chain-linked by Satan, the worst atrocities happen.

    Prophesy is being fulfilled before our eyes and the world collectively puts its head in the ground.

    Which leads to my concluding point that Hugh Nibley mentions. Ultimately, we will all be judged for our own actions. What we do matters. All we can do is what we can do – kindness, forgiveness, love, peace, avoid contention, avoid fighting, avoid hatred, avoid judgment, meekness, humility, faith. These are the things we can do in a world that is lost and confused. A world that is deviating. A world that distances itself from God more and more every day.

    You do your part. You do what’s right.

    You love. That’s all.

    9/15/25 Update

    As I painfully, accidentally read more political information, I come back to add more because it seems relevant to what I’ve already written.

    Some recent quotes I’ve read from Donald Trump regarding Charlie Kirk’s assassination:

    “The radicals on the left are the problem. And they’re vicious and they’re horrible and they’re politically savvy.”

    “We have radical left lunatics out there, and we just have to beat the hell out of them.”

    And then I read articles and comments and it’s all attack attack attack hate hate hate while yelling at Trump for saying to attack attack attack. Does no one see the irony?

    The same article with the headline

    later, quietly, adds:

    “The president added in a separate answer that he would urge his supporters to follow a nonviolent path in response to the shooting. “He [Kirk] was an advocate of nonviolence,” Trump said. “That’s the way I’d like to see people respond.””

    Why does “beat the hell out of them” get the headline?

    Because it evokes emotion on both sides. It gets clicks.

    The same article that condemns Trump for violent speech chooses to promote the violent speech.

    Why?

    Because the violent inflammatory statement get the clicks.

    It is all hypocrisy.

    I’m not excusing Trump’s, “beat the hell out of them.” I am condemning it. But if we fail for this click-baiting and this hatred, this you against us mentality, we become part of the problem.

    Then I read Governor Cox of Utah’s statements:

    “We can return violence with violence; we can return hate with hate. That’s the problem with political violence. It metastasizes. We can always point the figure at the other side. At some point we have to find an off ramp, or else it’s going to get much worse.”

    I stand by the Governor Cox’s words.

    An eye for an eye quickly becomes lives for lives. Revenge hurts everyone.

    How do we find an off ramp?

    Again, from Governor Cox:

    “Social media is a cancer on our society right now,” Cox said. “And I would encourage people to log off, turn off, touch grass, hug a family member, go out and do good in your community.”

    Love. Forgive. Look past the thing you disagree with someone on and instead look at the beautiful, passionate, important person they are.

    We all have a divine heritage and one day we will be embarrassed about how we thought of the people around us.

    There is no other side. There are only people. We are all imperfect and the sooner we realize that and forgive and show love, the better we will all be. Only love can heal the divide in our world.

  • Forgiveness, Doves, and The Chosen

    Forgiveness, Doves, and The Chosen

    Surprisingly I haven’t written about the Chosen yet.

    I’m about to finish season 3. I think this is an important TV show.

    In this season, there is a moment when Mary is talking to Tamar, a woman from Ethiopia.

    Mary voices jealousy towards Tamar for seemingly being able to push her way into the group without any hardships. Mary points out that she needed demons cast from her and to be pulled drunk from a tavern to get to her current place with Jesus. Mary seems to think Tamar is lacking humility due to her lack of trials.

    It was at this point that Tamar said something that jumped out at me while I watched:

    “Jesus forgave you, but you choose to hold on to it.”

    An episode later we get a look into Matthew’s past. Matthew is my favorite character.

    We see a flashback to when an old man came to Matthew during Matthew’s time as a tax collector. The man brazenly admits to legally accumulating tons of debt in an effort to help his children. The man will be sentenced to a prison camp because he’ll never be able to pay back the debt. He doesn’t care; he is an old man.

    The man then gives Matthew some prayer tassels. They are seemingly worthless, but the meaning of the old prayer tassels was significant to the old man. To him, those tattered tassels were priceless.

    The man gives them as a gift to Matthew telling him that one day he may regain his faith and need them. Matthew insists that he will never need those prayer tassels. The man insists.

    Matthew held onto those tassels and Mary found them.

    When Mary asked about them, Matthew told her the story. He didn’t understand why the man gave this sentimental item to him. Mary explained that the old man wasn’t giving some prayer tassels to Matthew, he was giving his faith to Matthew.

    Matthew’s response:

    “Why would he do that for someone like me?”

    Mary then told a story about a time she was going to kill herself. The only thing that stopped her was a dove. She saw it in the distance and took it as a sign that she shouldn’t do what she was considering.

    She told Matthew that man who gave away his prayer tassels was Matthew’s dove.

    These scenes from this powerful show gave me a lot to ponder.

    I often feel like Mary and Matthew.

    “Jesus forgave you, but you choose to hold onto it.”

    “Why would he do that for someone like me?”

    I pondered on whether I’m holding onto anything. Are you?

    The second question is a question I ask myself often. Why would God do this for someone like me? Why did Christ suffer, for me?

    Are we too hard on ourselves?

    I think back on some of my doves.

    Love is Powerful.

    The Inspiration.

    RIP Coach.

    Sometimes I think I’m like Mary, holding onto guilt that Christ no longer wants me to hold. That said, I have an interesting relationship with my guilt. I don’t dwell on it. I think a lot of it has left me. Still, sometimes I think I feel unworthy.

    We all hold onto things we should let go, becuase Christ already forgave us.

    We are surrounded by doves, those people that see our potential. We can always be the dove to someone else when they feel like they’re coming up short.

    We all feel unworthy sometimes, even though those around us see our potential. And God always sees our potential.

  • Developing Patience in Turmoil

    Developing Patience in Turmoil

    I gave a talk in church on 6/29/25. Since I put so much time and effort into typing out the thoughts for the talk, I like to put it into a blog post.

    The problem with my talks is I don’t prepare exactly what I’m going to say. I prepare more of an outline and try to “let the spirit guide.” I enjoy this way of speaking.

    On a sidenote, I know I’ve mentioned before my overwhelming fear with public speaking. It has gone from overwhelming to manageable. The last time I spoke in church I decided to wing it and try to speak without any preparation. I only used personal experiences and stories that time speaking but still filled 15 minutes. 6/29/25 was my first time speaking since that time “winging it” a few months ago. I think trying that made the mental fear of speaking in church a lot easier. After going in with no notes or preparation at all it and everything working out fine, surely if I prepare a little it will all work out, right?

    I guess I’m gaining some confidence.

    Anyways, I wanted to share the thoughts I put together from this recent talk.

    The topic I was assigned was “Developing Patience in Turmoil.”

    Beth was speaking ahead of me so I knew my introduction was going to be extra flexible. I had something planned just in case, but I expected to either use something I heard from Beth’s talk or something unplanned. I went with something slightly unplanned. As I’d just walked up from the pews with my girls, removing Ivy from my lap just before walking up, I made a comment about the aptness of my topic given I was brushing fishies and other snacks from my clothes as I walked up. Patience in Turmoil was a good topic for me to consider.

    From here, I’ll just put my notes from my talk, which give a rough feel for what I said that day in church.

    So…  turmoil.

    As I pondered this topic I really focused on that word – turmoil. What a word.

    What is turmoil? What does turmoil look like?

    “Turmoil refers to a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance. It can describe a situation marked by uncertainty, agitation, or a lack of order. It can also refer to inner turmoil, which is a state of emotional distress or conflict.”

    As I started thinking about this word, more and more circumstances, thoughts, stories, and examples kept coming to me:

    Me and my girls trying to go to the zoo. Crying, screaming, lost keys, searching.

    Turmoil – church with little ones. The pew we have commandeered in this our new ward has become a place of turmoil from the hour of 9:00am-10:00am every Sunday.

    Turmoil – a 7-hour drive to California with children. Patience.

    Turmoil – an aunt, mentor, and best friend dying of cancer. Patience.

    Turmoil – parents dealing with a daughter struggling at school.

    Turmoil – a good friend who’s 12-year-old daughter is dealing with a serious health issue. He just took her to Colorado for treatment.

    Turmoil – Mayo clinic down the street from us, how many people are dealing with turmoil there right now?

    Turmoil – a 14-year-old girl I coached this season whose father dies of an unexpected heart attack in the middle of a basketball season leaving her and her mother alone.

    Turmoil – Sister Ogle’s talk last week, turmoil in the unknown of church, if we should go, if we belong.

    Turmoil – a teenager that feels like they don’t belong.

    Turmoil – depression, sadness, uncertainty.

    Turmoil – worrying about how you’re going to pay the bills.

    Turmoil – not getting invited to the party.

    Turmoil – missing your best friend.

    Turmoil – a young boy that wants to come back to church but can’t give up all the bad habits he’s developed.

    That last one was me 10 years ago. Some of the others are me now. Some of the others are friends and loved ones of mine. Some of the other examples, I’m guessing, are you, in the audience.

    Turmoil. Turmoil. Turmoil.

    As I prepared for this talk, I really thought about this word. Turmoil. There are an infinite number of ways to experience turmoil. And here’s the thing, because you’re here on this earth, you’re experiencing turmoil. I know you are. I am. We all are. That’s part of this life.

    When I’m preparing a talk, I like to consider the message I can give that might help one person. But with this word, turmoil, there is too much variety, and yet we’re all experiencing it.

    It’s going to get a lot more turbulent in the coming years. We better get used to living in turmoil.

    *Phew. Depressing right? Yeah. I know. I really brought the mood down. Thank you for coming to hear me speak. Have a great Sunday….

    Just kidding. Let’s try to get uplifted.

    Let’s get back to my topic. Another word DEVELOPING.

    I thought about this word a lot too. Developing. How do you develop anything? You have to practice.

    You can only develop patience in turmoil if you’re practicing, meaning, living in turmoil. What an interesting concept. We don’t want to be in turmoil. We are constantly trying to make sure we’re not in turmoil. That means when life throws turmoil at us, we should use it. Don’t waste turmoil. Don’t waste opportunities to grow, and practice, and learn, and be better.

    So we’ve established we’re all living in turmoil, what do we do with it? Let’s get into the happy part of this topic.

    Patience.

    Ultimately patience is a peace around things we can’t control. Patience is trust in God. Patience is an inner calm.

    I have a blog I post spiritual thoughts to weekly. When I received my topic, I opened my computer to start formulating thoughts for this talk. I was reminded of a document I’ve had open on my computer for weeks, a blog post I’ve been working on titled “Was Satan Impatient?” I think it’s fascinating if you read and study Satan’s story in the scriptures closely, I believe there is evidence that he was extremely impatient to come to earth. I don’t think he trusted God’s plan. He thought he knew better, and he wanted to do things his way on his timeline.

    Now we’re not Satan but, sound familiar?

    Patience. Patience. I will use the word peace synonymously with patience. I think peace is patience.

    What can we do to have patience when everything around us is so hard, and we just want it to be better NOW?

    Real life strategies to develop patience:

    Meditation. I meditate for 10 minutes every day, no excuses. This often entails lying flat on the ground while two young girls literally crawl on top of me, slap, and otherwise torment me. Sometimes I get 10 minutes of actual quiet, prayerful, thoughtful, breathing and stretching time. Rarely. I started practicing meditation almost exactly one year ahead of Ivy being born. No coincidences. I think I needed to start that practice to be able to develop the patience I’d need to be a dad.

    Prayer. We have to be praying. Without prayer it is so easy to get quickly wrapped up into our day to day lives. We can be so focused on this earth that we forget where we came from and where we’re going. We should be praying multiple times a day to our Father and talking to Him like He’s our Father. We should be asking Him for help to be able to see the bigger picture and to have the patience we need to endure the trials and challenges we receive in this life.

    Look at the world as a child. LINK Ivy recently started saying in every prayer, “Heavenly Father, thank you for everything we have. And thank you for everything we don’t have.” How often do you thank Heavenly Father for everything you don’t have? I’ve never done that. That is childlike patience. Be grateful for everything Heavenly Father has given you and everything He hasn’t.

    An extremely impactful book I read when coming back to church was Visions of Glory. Something I learned from that book was to see the bigger picture. See that every person and every reaction you have, every pain and challenge is meant to change your very being into being more like God. By being on this earth, you are becoming God-like. This viewpoint, I think, can give us great patience especially when the people around us make life difficult. If you look at those people not as a hindrance but as someone sent here specifically to teach you something, that person becomes an essential and important element of your growth. There is power in this perspective.

    In a similar vein – Another thing we can do is think infinite – think eternal.

    In my personal opinion, the best talk President Nelson has given since becoming the prophet is Let God Prevail. I love this talk.

    How does President Nelson describe her as she is grieving over her father’s approach to death? Miopic. Think about that – President Nelson, the nicest, kindest, gentlest, sweetest soul on this earth. His granddaughter-in-law’s father is dying, and he describes her as miopic or nearsighted. I don’t think there was any malice in those words, just love. In that talk, President Nelson says this,

    “I am very proud of our precious granddaughter-in-law. During this heart-wrenching time in her life, dear Jill is learning to embrace God’s will for her dad, with an eternal perspective for her own life. By choosing to let God prevail, she is finding peace.”

    I will add, she is finding patience in turmoil.

    This is our ultimate strength in our battle to have patience in turmoil. Our greatest strength is to look beyond the troubling moment. Our greatest strength is to look beyond the earthly turmoil.

    I think patience is a Godly virtue. Here is a philosophical quandary for you – if God knows the beginning from the end, can He have patience? If He knows the beginning from the end, it can’t be described as patience, right?

    But here’s the thing, can WE know the beginning from the end…?

    Your immediate gut-reaction answer, I’m sure, like me, is “no.” – we can’t know the beginning from the end.

    Think about it. Can we know the beginning from the end? We can’t know all the details. We’re not omniscient. But do we know the end? We do know the end. We do know Jesus Christ died for us. We do know that ultimately God will prevail. We do know that we will leave this earth and return to a kind, loving, gracious Heavenly Father. We do know everything will be made right. Do you know that? I really want you to ask yourself that question, do you know these things to be true?

    *Give those present time to ponder this question.

    If you know these things to be true, what is there to fear? You can have all comfort through any turmoil. Does that make it easy? Of course not. This life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to stretch us.

    Now consider the great power of this knowledge.

    I would also like you to consider the great power and responsibility in sharing this knowledge with others.

    God has neither patience nor impatience. God has perfect faith. And that’s what He wants us to learn – to have perfect faith.

    Quick aside – does God have patience with us?

    As someone who was lost for so many years, and needed a lot of time to figure out just how much I needed God in my life – I will tell you resoundingly YES, God does have patience with us. He let me be lost until I was ready. God let me live in turmoil because that was what I chose. We don’t have to choose turmoil. Life will give us enough.

    So much of the world chooses to live in turmoil. Some don’t know there is a better option. How many people do you know that seem so lost? Share your light with them. Share the knowledge you have – Of a loving Heavenly Father that you knew and know, of a Savior and brother who loves you.

    We don’t have to choose more turmoil in our lives. Which leads me to…

    A final thought – we must not mistake patience for complacence.

    I feel like I have an interesting relationship with patience / complacence. My friends make fun of me for the happy-go-lucky, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to way I go about life. You know why I think that way? Because everything does work out. And everything will work out.

    The way to develop patience in turmoil is to remember that it will ALWAYS work out. No matter how hard it is. Difficulty serves a purpose.

    But we must not be complacent. Sometimes I fall into complacency.

    Just because the world is in turmoil doesn’t mean we become complacent.

    “There’s nothing I can do about evil in the world.” – there is.

    “There’s nothing I can do to make a change” – there always is.

    “Nobody is interested in the gospel anymore” – not true.

    “There is no good in the world, it’s all backbiting, lying, and hatred.” – NOT true.

    With your knowledge of eternity, you have power to change and shape this world and the minds, hearts, and outlooks of those around you.

    Be positive. Be patient. Be loving. Be sincere. Be honest. Be like Christ.

    What can we do amidst turmoil?

    Don’t miss the mark. Why can we survive in turmoil? Jesus Christ.

    Why can we push forward? Jesus Christ.

    Why can we have faith? Jesus Christ.

    Why is there no reason, ever, for us to fear? Jesus Christ.

    Why is there no reason for us to give up hope? Jesus Christ.

    Why can we cheer for joy, even amongst death, and emotional pain, and everything Satan can possibly throw at us? Jesus Christ.

    Don’t miss the mark. Don’t forget that He did it. He died. He came back. You will come back. You will one day stand by Him. And you’ll know you’re on the winning team. You’ll know this whole life experience, all the pain, all the doubt, all the heartache – He felt it too. And what was its purpose? Its purpose was to make you something you can’t even imagine.

    Will it be worth it?

    When we kneel before Jesus Christ and thank Him, will we even remember the pain?

    There is joy in pressing toward the mark. Don’t forget what you’re aiming for. Jesus Christ is the mark.

    Patience ultimately is peace. We can only have peace in this world if we focus on Jesus Christ.

  • Thou Shalt Not Covet a Perfect Day

    Thou Shalt Not Covet a Perfect Day

    *This was written in 2022. No I did not forget about my other daughters or Bengie’s death.

    The morning of the 4th of July I woke up to a disaster. Our dog, Bengie, was not feeling well, and despite letting him out a combined 9 times between Beth and myself throughout the night, there was dog poop everywhere in our house. Everywhere. Bedroom, dining room, living room, by front door, bathroom. It was insane.

    Needless to say, my day wasn’t starting the way I wanted it to. I was hoping to sleep in a little and I was up at 7am cleaning dog poop everywhere. Literally everywhere.

    As I was walking around cleaning up, and fuming, I realized I was headed toward a ruined day. I was so upset. I realized my day was going to be horrible if I let it. A ruined day. I immediately tried to change my mindset, but it was so hard. I just couldn’t let it go. Stupid dog! I didn’t mean that, I love Bengie, but ugh. Ruining my day off!

    Finally, I got everything cleaned up and I realized I was not getting over this frustration. It was so embedded in my mind. I couldn’t stop being mad.

    I usually meditate first thing in the morning. Since my routine was so crudely interrupted, I hadn’t yet. I went to do my normal meditation. At the end of the meditation, I asked God to please help me get over my frustration and not let it destroy my day. I asked Him to help me to move on and be able to enjoy my day with my family.

    I came out of the room after meditating and Beth and Ivy were both on the couch. I was happy. I can’t explain it. The craziest part was, I forgot about it. I know it’s hard for someone reading this to understand, but this thing that was eating away at my mind and happiness, this gripe and frustration that I couldn’t let go of, was gone. I didn’t realize it until I said my prayer before bed that night. I knelt and started to say my prayer. I was thanking Heavenly Father for how great the day was and how much fun I had with Beth and Ivy and how much we got done around the house and that’s when it hit me. I remembered how the day started. The ordeal had literally been wiped from my mind. I hadn’t even remembered it happened until that moment. And then I got to thank God for allowing me to move passed my frustration that morning.

    It’s not normal to just forget starting your day with 90 minutes (not joking) of cleaning up poop in your home. But it had completely left my mind after that morning prayer and meditation. I realized what God had done for me. I’d asked for help moving on and not being frustrated, and He had removed it from my mind. I was able to have joy that day, not dwelling on how it didn’t start just how I wanted it to. In the grand scheme, was that morning clean-up that big a deal? It could have been. If I let it sour and ruin a great day with my family. Again, I know someone reading this might not understand. But that is an answer to prayer. And I’m grateful for it.

    It wasn’t until typing this, and trying to put the timeline together, that I remembered something else about that morning. I was on call that day for work. After finishing cleaning up after Bengie, I had a work emergency that I had to spend 90 more minutes on. 3 hours of cleanup and work on my Fourth of July. I had completely forgotten about it. It ended up being a great day. My mood, by an actual miracle, was not affected.

    What is the power of positive thinking?

    What is the power of prayer?

    I was recently reading about the Ten Commandments in True to the Faith. The Tenth Commandment said this:

    “‘Thou shalt not covet’ (Exodus 20:17). Coveting, or envying something that belongs to another, is damaging to the soul. It can consume our thoughts and plague us with constant unhappiness and dissatisfaction.”

    I could have “coveted” a perfect morning. I could have coveted sleeping in and waking up to a beautifully cleaned home for a great day of swimming and playing with Ivy. Mornings are rarely perfect, and houses are seldomly beautifully clean. I could have let it “consume [my] thoughts and plague [me] with constant unhappiness.” That was where I was headed. Luckily, I turned to my Father. He gave me the tender mercy of forgetting and moving on. Move on from a mess to the bright sun and pool.

    During my meditation today, it said,

    “As we navigate our emotions, our choices have a reinforcing affect. Irritation strengthens irritation, patience fortifies patience. So, when you notice yourself repeating a habit of frustration or impatience… make a conscious choice of which quality you want to grow.

    As Thich Nhat Hanh said, ‘Every feeling is a field of energy. A pleasant feeling is an energy which can nourish. Irritation is a feeling which can destroy. Under the light of awareness, the energy of irritation can be transformed into an energy which nourishes.’”

    We can control our minds and attitudes. Even when we can’t, there is prayer. When we turn to prayer and trust that He can wipe our minds of irritation and unhappiness, we realize how truly powerful our Heavenly Father is, and how much He loves us.

  • This is Repentance

    This is Repentance

    Sometimes I struggle with the idea that my sins have been made completely white through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that I’m completely forgiven for everything I’ve done.

    I know this disrespects the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that’s part of my biggest struggle. The last thing I ever want to do is belittle what Christ did for me.

    The thing is, sometimes I still dwell on my past sins. Sometimes I still think about them. Sometimes I still feel remorse and guilt. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve paid the full penitence to those I hurt. Have my sins been washed away? Are they completely gone if I still remember them?

    I rationalize this, and I believe it’s true, that I remember them for my benefit. I have to remember them or I might return to them. It’s the remembrance of guilt that keeps me from wanting to go back to being that person.

    I understand this intellectually.

    Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to understand how Christ can have forgotten my sins, washed them away as if they never happened, when I can’t forget them myself.

    The young men I work with and I recently studied Isaiah chapter 1.

    Isaiah 1:18 reads:

    “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

    After reading that I emphatically emphasized something to those young boys. What I emphasized was this:

    “When you truly repent, and show remorse, and try your absolute hardest to not do it again, Christ forgives and forgets your sins. Period. White as snow. It’s as if they never happened. Don’t be deceived. Satan will have you believe you can never be forgiven for a mistake. This is the great lie. You can be forgiven. If you repent, Christ will forgive. Not only that, He won’t even remember it. It’s like it never happened. I can’t stress this enough.”

    That’s what I said to my young men, and I believe it’s true.

    But… do I believe it’s true?

    Given what I just wrote?

    I had a thought today for the first time ever. I often think about the time of judgement. That time when we stand before Christ and have our life reviews. I’ve never feared that moment. The thought that occurred to me today is: why don’t I fear that moment? I have so much to be embarrassed by, so much to be ashamed of in my past behavior. Why haven’t I worried about it before? It occurred to me that one day my wife, Beth, will see how I once was. I’ve tried to tell her, but I don’t think she gets it. Then it occurred to me that my family will see it too. I will be so ashamed! Why haven’t I feared this before?

    Then it hit me.

    Maybe that’s repentance.

    Repentance is knowing – yes, I did those things. Yes, I made many mistakes. But though my skins be scarlet (they are and were) they shall be as white as snow. As I type this, I hold back tears. That’s what Christ has done for me. That’s what repentance is.

    Luke 15:7:

    “I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.”

    D&C 18:13:

    “And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”

    I am that soul. I don’t know how the life review will go. If my sins are forgiven and forgotten, are those parts reviewed? I don’t know. But what I realized was, and why I’ve never feared that moment, is even if all my abhorrent behavior is shown, it will be ok. It will be ok because I changed.

    That thought of Beth seeing how I used to be? It occurred to me that maybe she’ll love me even more after seeing all of it because she’ll see how much I changed. She’ll be able to see the full picture of how far I came to be a semi-decent husband and father.

    I think that’s what repentance is. Knowing that even if all your sins are laid out, you’re still forgiven.

    That’s repentance.