Author: Brayden Quackenbush

These are the highlights I typed up for myself from a book called Simplified Husbandship | Simplified Fathership by Richard M. Eyre. I typed this up mostly for myself to refer back to. This section is only on simplified fathership.

(In multiple quotes in this book the author says “he” and “him” when referring to his own children. Since my children are all girls, I changed each of these instances to “her” and “she”).

“Fathership is, in the eternal context of the gospel, vastly important. It is a key to much of what lies ahead. Until this life, fathership was God’s role, His only. When we came to this earth, we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions, assuming the fathership role ourselves – we hope to keep it for eternity. There is no greater stewardship no greater source of potential joy or of potential sorrow.”

How true is that? There are no higher highs or lower lows than those associated with being a parent.

I also like that idea, that we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions when we left our premortal life to come to earth. We took on the greatest responsibility when we came to earth. The responsibility over our bodies and the responsibility over the bodies of others. There was no going back once we decided to come here.

“[Fathership] is hard because we’re dealing with the most complex things on earth: new human lives.”

“It’s hard because God is the only one who knows how. But that is also the reason we can do it, and do well at it – because our Heavenly Father will help us (individually, personally) to be good fathers, if we ask, if we try, if we make it a high enough priority.”

 “Fathership isn’t easy, but it is natural. You do have fathership inside of you. It was bred there through the premortal eternities. It was taught by the perfect example of the only Father there.”

Truths about fathership and families that are self-evident:

1. “Families are heavy, profound, eternal responsibilities.”
2. “Families are the foundation of civilization.”
   • “Every society that has flourished has been firmly founded upon strong families and homes. The early success of the American democracy can be attributed to the family. There was little social progress in the first 250 years following Columbus’s landing. Most “Americans” were French and Spanish seekers of fortune, more oriented to the pursuit of wealth than to serious settlement. America, like the Orient and all great civilizations of progress and stability, became great with the arrival of strong families who wanted to build real homes.”

“Happy families are all alike: every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolsto

The key qualities to simplified fathership:

1. Confidence
2. Consultantship
3. Calmness-Consistency-Congruence
4. Concentration

Confidence:

“People respond to confidence. People live up to the images they perceive others have of them. Especially little people.”

“All children have unique gifts. A parent who can recognize them will magnify them. He will feel real confidence in the child which the child will sense in a hundred subtle ways. Strength leads to strength. Confidence grows.”

“Rewards are better than punishments.”

“The father who has programmed himself to look for and show confidence will direct toward the child the kind of light that can be reflected and that will steadily and gradually increase the child’s self-esteem.”

“Sometimes the most obvious ways of showing (and building) confidence in children are overlooked. The more direct ways are often best. The most direct way is to tell the child. Sit a three-year-old down, look her square in the eye, and say, “You are really a fast runner. You are very good at eating with a fork. You are good at building things with your blocks. I am really proud of you.”

“Try it as an experiment. Think about the specific things you are proud of about your child. Make a mental list. Not too long. Just the main things. Think of the gifts she has, the things (even little ones) that she does well. Get her alone. Concentrate on her. Tell her what she’s good at. Some children react more than others (when I do this with my three-year-old he beams like a sunbeam and is sweetness and light for twelve hours) but all children react. Those who respond least may be those who need it most.”

Confidence Summary:

“A father who is self-programming the concept of “confidence” says to himself:

• “I look for my child’s gifts, talents, virtues, sweetness. I notice all she does well, all she is, all she is becoming.
• “I tell her! I praise her in every way – by word, look, touch.
• “I give more attention for positive behavior than for negative.
  • (I really try to do this, though it is difficult. The natural reaction to something bad is to jump up and correct it immediately. Since that natural reaction is so hard to fight, I try to be extra intentional about reacting to positive behavior. When Ivy does something for Sage or picks up after herself, I try to be very effulgent and boisterous with my praise).
• “I avoid criticism consciously, carefully. I separate my disfavor with things she does from my constant favor and confidence in her, in who and what she is.
• “I love my child. I‘m more grateful for her than I can express. She is a very important person to me. I am important because I have her! She knows this; she feels it.”

Consultantship:

“Our Heavenly Father whose fathership is perfect and whose model all fathers should look to, set the clear example of wisdom. His plan, and that of His Son, was built around agency and freedom. He rejected (as did we) the plan of guarantees and managed supervision, choosing instead the plan of self-determination and experience, and freedom to ask, decide, and choose.”

“Perhaps the Lord’s greatest strength is manifest when He lets us make mistakes.”

• I think about how patient God was with me while I figured out who I am. Can I do this same thing for my girls as they grow and make mistakes? I hope so.

A study was done by Life magazine. It selected two groups of students. One group were A students, and the other group were less self-motivated students with average grades. The students came from similar homes. The researchers traced the students’ histories backwards trying to find differences. The researchers didn’t find differences from their homes until they got to the pre-school years:

“The difference was the parents. The A students had parents who functioned more as consultants than managers. They loved their children but were involved and busy with other things as well. Their general attitude toward their pre-school children was to keep them in a free, stimulating environment; let them explore; respond to their questions; watch for “curious moments” when they could teach their children. The C parents were more dominant, more managing. In most cases, they actually spent more time with their children than the A parents, but that time consisted of directing the children and force-feeding them with things they were often not interested in. The C children had more restricted environments and lived lives that were virtually managed by their parents.”

One day the author planned a whole day with his kids: clean their rooms, plant in the garden, go on a bike ride. The day quickly fell apart. “The rooms never got clean, I planted by myself the only seeds that got planted, and the kids acted as if I was forcing them to ride their bikes.” The author was reminded of something urgent he had to do in the afternoon for work. He told his kids, “Kids, I’ve got a little work I have to do. There are some seeds in the shed. The directions are on them, but don’t touch them until your rooms are straight. I’ll unlock the old clothes chest for costumes if you want to play afterwards. I don’t care what you do as long as you clean up. I’ll be in the den if you need me.”

The author states that the afternoon went amazing. He helped with a couple questions about the seeds and had to remind his son twice about his room. He settled one disagreement that “gave me a chance to teach a principle. (We “backed up” the problem and had the two act out how they could have resolved it without fighting. It was a real teaching moment, because it was related to something that had just happened rather than being a lesson I just happened to want to teach them).” The author got his work done and when he finished his kids had a play to present to him with the costumes.

He says, “I learned that day that children do not need to be told to learn or told what to learn. They need responsive parents. They need a father who is more interested in them and in their needs and interests of the day than in his own preconceived ideas of what would be fun or what they should learn.”

I have found this to be especially true lately with Ivy and Sage. When anything happens – Ivy takes something and Sage is screaming, Sage hits Ivy and Ivy is retaliating, etc. I usually intervene and help them resolve it. Lately I’ve just been letting it happy. This takes a lot of resolve because the natural parent reaction is “there is conflict happening with my kids, I need to do something.” But what I’ve found is, when I intervene, I can usually calm it down after a couple minutes, but another conflict is very likely to happen again soon after.

What I’ve found is that if I just let the conflict happen between them, it might take longer to calm down, someone might even get hurt, but they will eventually resolve it. And when they do resolve it, it will be done, over, squashed. I think when I step in and force a resolution, there isn’t really anything being resolved. I’m putting a band-aid on the situation and it will soon happen again. But when they’re allowed the space to work it out together, it actually gets resolved, and they move on to peaceful, awesome, team-work play.

“Children are more like plants than like clay. They need to be nourished, not formed; cultivated in their own growth, not pressed into molds.”

“My Commitment to My Children’s Agency”:

1. I will not force my children into my preconceived mold of what they should be. I will try to discover who and what they really are as they discover themselves. I will try to expose them to many things and to encourage their interests, their abilities.
2. I will try to give them a free and active, open environment. No parts of our house will be off-limits. I will be sure there is an abundance of crafts, projects, books, games, and materials to experiment with.
3. I will watch them, listen to them, and answer their questions honestly (with another question whenever I can). I will watch for “teaching moments” and take the time necessary whenever I see one.
4. As much as practical, I will let them make their own decisions.
5. I will make my own life as real and full as possible so that I will serve as an example to them of the joy of growing up and becoming an adult. I will show confidence in the gospel and in myself so that they will want to come to me when they have questions or worries.

Item one will be difficult for me given my love of basketball. I hope my girls will develop a love of basketball as I watch with them, take them to practice, and take them to play. Ivy and I have started daily ball handling drills. So far it’s fun and she’s enjoying it. I hope it continues.

Give the right priority to your kids without dominating them.

“The Savior, of course, was a great consultant. He guided people in working out their own problems. He answered questions with questions or with parables. He made people think, encouraging them to draw their own conclusions.”

“Joseph Smith, in one of his most profound and thought-provoking statements, said, “I teach [the people] correct principles and they govern themselves.” To a surprising degree, this works even with small children.”

Consultantship Summary:

• “I am a consultant to them. I let them explore, experience, discover, I watch for teaching moments and respond to questions but try not to manage or dictate what the do any more than I have to.
• “I teach them principles and try to be an example of each principle I teach.”

Calmness-Consistency-Congruence:

Calmness

When speaking of Mr. Rogers, “It is because he is so calm that it makes them (kids) feel calm.”

“Anything connected with the Savior or His words carries a feeling of peace.”

“Nothing works better in calming down a child than telling her about a time when you felt the same way.”

“Probably the most important key to calmness is that the father have calmness as his conscious goal. Whatever your other objectives for the moment…try to maintain a second objective which is always the same: ‘Keep a calm, pleasant spirit whenever you are with them.’”

Consistency

“Erratic behavior, on the other hand, upsets children and makes them insecure.”

“Things that are consistent in a family become traditions. Children gain security and calmness from things that don’t change, things they can depend on.”

Congruence

“There is a difference between an uncontrolled temper and righteous indignation. There is also a difference between real calmness and artificially-contained fury.

“Christ often taught through righteous indignation. When His apostles made mistakes and should have known better, He reproved them sharply, and they felt His love through His wanting them to be better. Two things distinguished His anger. First, it was always directed at what they did, never at them. Second, it was controlled, never out of control.” (John tells us that Christ braided a whip before driving the money-changers from the temple.)

“You change your children for the better only as you change yourself for the better.”

Importance of setting a good example:

1. “We were having a hard time getting the two older girls to practice the violin consistently. After weeks of nagging and pushing, I had a better idea. I got out my old cello and started practicing each morning before breakfast. Within a week, the girls were practicing, too.
2. “Josh’s room was always a disaster. I had tried to explain how much better and more peaceful he would feel if he kept it straight, but with no results. One day I brought him into my room, which needed cleaning, and sat him down to watch. While I cleaned, I talked about how nice it would make me feel. I showed him that I enjoyed having it straight. I explained what pride meant and that I was proud of my room. About then, he disappeared. When I finished I peeked into his room. He was cleaning feverishly, with a contented smile on his face.”

Calmness-Consistency-Congruence Summary:

• “I’m calm in the presence of my children. They feel my calmness and respond to it.”
• “I’m consistent with my children in discipline, in being responsive to their questions, and in doing certain things they can depend on.”
• “My feelings and behavior with my children are congruent. I let them see my real emotions, but they are always in control. If I get more angry than ‘righteous indignation’ would allow, I apologize to them.”

That last part is something I take pride in. If I make a mistake (hurt my child, lose my temper, yell, am unfair, am unreasonable, etc), I will apologize to my girls. I think it’s extremely important that they see and hear me apologize when I make a mistake.

Concentration:

“Children need two kinds of confidence. One is the security-confidence of being part of a family institution. The other is the individual-confidence of liking themselves, of being unique, of knowing there are certain things they do well.”

Ways to focus on each child as an individual:

1. Daddy Dates
   • Each child has a “daddy date book” which is nothing more than a note book in which she keeps memories of each date – – a ticket stub or a program.
2. Clubs
   • With the eldest daughter, who loves books, she has “the Library Discussion Group.” With a six-year-old son, who is very mechanically minded, he has “The Fixers Club” (whenever something breaks, the two of them try to fix it together). These clubs not only give each child a special and unique relationship with their dad; they also provide a vehicle for close communication. The father says he learns far more about his boy in their talks while “fixing things” than in any more formal “interview.”
3. Husband-Wife Reviews
   • Go on a date once a month where the topic of discussion is each child, how they’re progressing, and their needs.
4. Interviews
   • Meet with children once a week to talk about their week and their goals for the upcoming week.
5. Ten-second Focus and Taking them Along.
   • Another father I want to tell you about says he’s too busy for any routines such as those listed above. He says that whenever he tries a “daily program” or a “weekly interview” something comes up and he feels guilty for not following it. His method, therefore, for giving his children individual attention is quite different. First, no matter how busy he is, he finds at least one moment a day (sometimes only a few seconds) to interact directly with each child. He focuses all his attention on that child, perhaps for just one question: “How did that math test go?” Second, this father takes one of his children with him whenever it is possible.

The last part is something I put extra effort into doing even though it’s so much more work. Going to the store? Which (or all) of my girls can I take with me? Visiting someone from church? Who is coming with me? Meeting with the missionaries and someone interested in our church? One of my girls is coming along. That last one often happens and for any “distraction” having a young child with me causes I think is more than made up for by cuteness.

“One help in a large family is for the father to make a point of privately telling each child how important his individual place in the family is. “You are the oldest and your example means so much to the others.” “You are the youngest daughter and we’ll always have a special love for you.” “You’re our blondie.”

“As you begin to feel that you know the unique strengths and gifts of a particular child, it is a good exercise to write out a description of that child which includes each gift. The writing helps you focus real attention on that child. (The reading, out loud to the child, improves her confidence both in herself and in your love for and interest in her.)

“Perhaps the best way to learn how to treat a child as an individual is to pray about each one, to ask the Lord to reveal to you their strengths and to tell you how to communicate fully and individually with each one.”

Concentration – Summary

• “Each of my children is unique. I appreciate separate things about each of them.
• I find ways to be with each one alone and to talk to each one alone. I realize that each may need a different kind of communication with me.
• I look for the unique gifts that each one has and compliment it and cultivate it.”