No Coincidences

Tag: church

  • Guilt

    Guilt

    Every once in a while, I feel guilt for things I did, the person I used to be, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, the horrible things I was a part of. I know it seems…like I haven’t really changed if I only feel that guilt every once in a while. Guilt is an interesting thing. 

    Every once in a while, I look back on who I was. I’ll feel some guilt for the worst things I was a part of. I think I’ll always feel that, in this life, to some extent. It’s like a prick in my side, as the scriptures would say. It stays with me because I need to be reminded of where bad choices lead.

    The most interesting thing about the guilt of my past is it’s not really there, anymore. By this I mean, when I think about it, I more think about the people I hurt, and I feel sorry. But those feelings have become distant, like an old me.

    I know there will be, or I hope there will be, some people who read this that I did hurt. I know they’re going to read this and scoff. “Oh good for you, you’ve been forgiven. What about me? The person you hurt.” That’s the guilt that still hits me sometimes.

    I have tried to reach out to some people from my past, especially early on. There were things I had to say and people I had to speak to before the weight of my guilt could be lifted off me. It’s intrersting…for years I didn’t let go of some of the weight I was carrying. And it was a weight. It was slowly killing me.

    I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I haven’t chosen to forgive myself.

    I know a lot of my friends who have only known me in the last few years read this. They might sometimes wonder what makes me so passionate about church, God, the gospel, etc.

    I know a lot of my friends and people who knew me back when I was in full “of the world” mode and they now wonder, “What the heck changed? When did he become a God nut?”

    I know there are people from high school who will think similar things.

    I hope this explains a little bit about why I’ve become so passionate to share about Jesus Christ, to talk about Jesus Christ, to write about Jesus Christ. I hope for everyone who knew me in high school, everyone who knew me through college, everyone who knew me through church, I hope this can explain why I can’t stop talking about Jesus Christ.

    At least once a week I cry in gratitude. Because when I think about my past, it’s not really there anymore. Like I said, some guilt will always be there. But the overwhelming sadness at who I used to be is gone. I shed tears once a week asking God why. Why did He save me? What am I worth to Him?

    I can’t be ashamed of Jesus Christ anymore. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be a believer and outward worshiper of Him for too long.

    Today, I feel with an all too real sensation that He died for me. He suffered, and bled, and was scourged, and was insulted, and humbly took it, for me. Without Him that guilt would still be killing me. I’ve been washed clean by His blood. And that’s why I’ve changed. For all those who used to know me, that’s why I am the way I am now. Because the feeling of what Christ did for me is too real of a feeling.

    This forgiveness didn’t come over night. I didn’t one day feel great. It was months and months of being on my knees, crying, begging. It was reaching out to certain people. It was being humble enough to admit I made so many mistakes. And over time, I don’t know exactly when it happened, but one day my guilt was a thing of the past. Sometimes I feel guilt because my guilt is a thing of the past.

    Guilt is an interesting thing.

    I still make many, many mistakes.

    If there is anyone reading this that is still scoffing, thinking, “Well you were a jerk to me, screw you.” Please forgive me. You can comment here anonymously and really lay into me. I know there are still things I might need to make up for. Christ forgave me but others might still have to. Please reach out to me if I ever hurt you so I can try my best to ask for your forgiveness.

    For anyone reading this who thinks their choices are who they are. Your choices make you only if you continue to make them. As soon as you decide to change someone will be there to change you. Guilt doesn’t have to be with you forever. It can be washed away. Trust me, it’s a miraculous feeling. 

    I sometimes wonder how I could change so drastically. Being a person who said things like “washed clean in the blood of Christ” or “Christ saved me.” I never thought I would say things like that. They sound so corny. Then, in quiet moments by myself I’m overwhelmed by God’s love and that He gave His Son to die…for me. Then I decide I’ll be as corny as I have to be. I can’t be embarrassed anymore. I just can’t. Because I know Christ was never embarrassed to claim me. Through all my mistakes and through all the moments He should have turned His back on me, He never would, He never did. He always loved me. 

    I haven’t been forgiven because of myself. I’ve been forgiven because of Him. It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and it’s free to us all. 

    It’s why I still cry EVERY time I hear this song: 

    And I Stand All Amazed:

    Video “Remembering in Whom We Have Trusted” by Elder Allen D. Haynie 

    *I wrote this sometime around 2019. As I edited it to post in 2026, I felt some sadness at things that are less true than they were 7 years ago. For example, I no longer cry at least once a week. I think about this sometimes. I really used to cry once a week, during the sacrament, when I thought about what Christ did for me. It’s less often now.

    While I want to retain that passion and that burning feeling of gratitude within me for what Christ has done for me, it’s also kind of beautiful that I’m less emotional. Part of the reason I’m less emotional is because I feel less guilt about past deeds. I think over time the Atonement of Jesus Christ has more and more healed my soul and my guilt.

    I still owe Him a tremendous debt of gratitude. I still owe Him everything. I hope to hold to those emotions while also being able to let go of past guilt as best I can. It’s a balance. A balance afforded me by the Great Healer.

  • Monumental Moment

    Monumental Moment

    I’ve written about seemingly small moments in my life that made a huge difference on the trajectory of my future. I’ve mentioned a postcard. I’ve also mentioned a seemingly inconsequential invitation to join a basketball team (from that same link). I’d like to elaborate on that basketball invitation story.

    I was so nervous my first time coming back to church that I made my roommate come with me so I didn’t have to go alone. It had been years since I’d been at church.

    I only remember one thing about that first day back at church, and it was after sacrament meeting ended. I’d just sat through my first sacrament meeting in I’m not sure how many years. I was self-conscious, uncomfortable, ready to leave, when the person in front of me turned around in his seat.

    “Hey, do you play basketball?” He asked.

    I remember being blown away. I remember thinking, “Wow! The spirit is powerful here! How did he know???”

    I’ve thought back on that moment. Yes, the spirit was powerful that day. But not in a mystical, this stranger in front of me received a supernatural message that I loved basketball, kind of way. The world would consider that a powerful spiritual experience. What actually happened was equally as powerful, yet more easily “understood” by worldly standards.

    The truth is, as I now suspect, the person who sent that postcard went the extra mile. When I asked about going to church, after telling me where they met and what time, she also reached out to the Bishop of that ward. In hindsignt, I’m pretty sure I was brought up in ward council, a meeting where leaders of a church ward discuss pressing matters.

    I’m sure I was mentioned. I’m sure Kelsie, the postcard giver, told the bishop I liked basketball. That person who turned around in their chair to ask if I liked basketball was in that meeting. I’m sure he was looking for me.

    Is this any less miraculous?

    Is it any less of a miracle that an individual, who had never spoken to me before had heard of me and knew I needed friendship extended in my direction? A complete stranger stepped out of his comfort zone and said hi to a stranger and asked a seemingly random question. A complete stranger didn’t care if I was the worst basketball player in the world, he still asked me to join a city league team with him. 

    As a basketball player, that last part is significant. I would hesitate to ask someone I’d never seen play basketball to join my team. How do I know that person can dribble a basketball? How do I know whether or not that person knows how to play team basketball? How do I know whether or not that person is a nightmare on the basketball court?

    The invitation that day was about more than basketball. That invitation came from an individual who had heard about me, a wayward soul trying to come back, and followed a spiritual prompting to invite me to play on a basketball team- basketball skills be darned.

    That person’s name was David Lake and I owe him a great debt. I have thanked him for that moment. Such a tiny moment. I know he didn’t think about it much after doing it. That was just the kind of person he was. In that moment, a stranger knew me, cared about me, and invited me. 

    That moment made all the difference in my life.

    It’s amazing how a seemingly tiny moment can change the trajectory of a life. Where am I if not for that monumental moment? Did I come to church the next week? Did I meet my wife? Do I have Ivy, Sage, Wren – my own eternal family? 

    There are some moments that carry more weight than others, no matter how seemingly inconsequential.

    My invitation to anyone reading- the next time you’re at the grocery store, or the dog park, or the gym, or at work, and that strange thought comes to your mind while you’re conversing with someone, “Invite them.” Do it. You don’t know the profound blessing that can change a person’s life because you decide to step out of your comfort zone and invite a stranger.

    If you have been blessed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, share it. Invite others. It’s the least you can do to thank your Heavenly Father for this gift He has given you.

    Beth and I were laughing how roommate Chris is in this picture but I’m not. David Lake prominently placed.
    Beth and I actually met through church basketball. Crazy huh? As you’ll see in this picture, couldn’t be seen too close to her, would be too obvious.
    A future wife, future best friend I still coach with, many lifelong friends, and saving Bishop all in one picture. That’s a miracle.
  • Incommensurable

    Incommensurable

    I was listening to a podcast about the incommensurability of Joseph Smith being able to describe what the translation process for the Book of Mormon was like.  

    Incommensurable is like indescribable, without relation to anything, unquantifiable.  

    Joseph Smith had many experiences, including the First Vision, that were incommensurable and therefore difficult for him to describe.

    I’ve written 330+ posts at this point. In many of them, I’m trying to describe incommensurable things. I’m trying to describe my testimony. I’m trying to describe my experiences. I’m trying to describe a change that has happened inside me. I’m trying to describe things I know to be true. These things, without the reader feeling my emotions, my heart, my chest, my mind, without being in my skin, words can’t describe many of the things I try to write and share. 

    I wish I could hand the testimony I have of the Book of Mormon and of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice for me into the heart of every person I ever meet, if only for a moment (I want it back!). But I can’t. I wish I could give to someone how I know the Book of Mormon is true. I’ve tried before. I can’t. 

    I wish I could describe so that you, the reader, could understand what I felt when I left the Bishop’s office and knew, just knew with all my heart, that Christ was going to forgive me for everything I had done. I wish I could describe the feeling that washed over me. I wish you could feel my tears. I wish you could feel that experience. 

    Many of you have in your own way. Some of you haven’t.

    Tears come to my eyes just thinking back on some of these moments in my life.

    Incommensurable.  

    I want to state something clearly, since I can’t use words to properly describe my testimony and knowledge of my Savior. Here are facts to review. 

    I have changed. 

    I am a father. 

    I am a different person than I was 5, 10, or 15 years ago. I am far, far, far from perfect. Embarassingly far from perfect. Shamefully far from perfect. I recognize that. But –

    If you see anything good in me, it’s because of Jesus Christ.

    If you think I have any admirable qualities, it’s because of Jesus Christ. 

    If you think I’m any sort of decent father, it’s because of Jesus Christ. 

    If you think I’m any sort of decent person, it’s because of Jesus Christ.

    Everything good I am and everything good I can be is because of Him. 

    I am not a father without Him. I am not a son without Him. I am not a friend without Him. 

    Everything good I am, is because of Him. 

    For those that haven’t had revelatory experience of knowing that Christ is your Savior, and feeling what He has done for you, I invite you to sit and ponder all your mistakes. Ponder the pain you’ve caused others. Ponder all the bad. Realize He forgives you because He loves you. Then ponder all the good you’ve ever done. All the help you’ve ever provided. All the smiles you’ve caused. Consider all that is good about you, and thank Him. Whether you realize it or not, it’s because of Him.  

  • Jesus Christ

    Jesus Christ

    At church last week, we had an uplifting meeting focused on music. Ivy and Sage even participated, singing my new favorite song:

    That evening, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hosted an interfaith concert. Beth and I took Ivy as a special treat for being such a big kid lately. It was a sufficiently uplifting Sunday.

    This is Holy Week.

    Latter-day Saint traditions haven’t normally had a big focus on Holy Week (not sure if that’s supposed to be capitalized…).. I don’t even really know what it means. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has asked its members to have a little more focus on Easter this and recent years.

    I had a blog post already prepared for this week. I rarely stray from my plans. But during church on Sunday, a thought came to me:

    When was the last time I wrote a post completely focused on Jesus Christ?

    I hope my blog is Christ-centered. I think pretty much every post should have something to do with Him. But I realized I hadn’t given my simple testimony of Him in some time.

    I don’t have anything extraordinary to say since this wasn’t planned. Except that everything about Jesus Christ is extraordinary.

    This is my humble testimony and my small reminder to the world.

    Jesus Christ, under the direction of God the Father, created this Earth that we now reside on. He was our Brother. We were part of the council that decided to come to Earth.

    Jesus Christ was born to a virgin in Bethlehem. He was the Creator of this Earth. He could have been born anywhere. Instead of being born in a royal palace, He was born in a manger, amidst farm animals, in the humblest of circumstances.

    I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine
    To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
    That He should extend His great love unto such as I,
    Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

    Jesus Christ lived and grew, just like us. He walked this Earth that He had created. Then He began to preach.

    Jesus Christ quickly amassed followers and a reputation for His powerful words, teachings, and miracles.

    Jesus Christ went to a garden called Gethsemane. There He began the process we now call the Atonement. 

    Atonement: Reparation for a wrong or injury.
    Atonement: the reconciliation of God and humankind through Jesus Christ.

    He paid for every sin. He paid for every wrongdoing. He felt every suffering, injustice, pain, sickness, heartache, loneliness, fear, hurt, and tear. He experienced it like it was His own. The sheer weight of this task made Him bleed from every pore in His body. A mortal body with an immortal soul. Our Brother.

    I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
    Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.
    I tremble to know that for me He was crucified,
    That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.

    As if this weren’t enough, He allowed Himself to be arrested, spit upon, and beaten. He carried the cross that would be used to kill Him.

    He allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross. Nails through His feet. Nails through His hands. Nails through His wrists. 

    I think of His hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
    Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
    No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
    Until at the glorified throne I kneel at His feet.

    He suffered and died so we could be reconciled to God. He suffered and died so we could one day go home with Him.

    Then the glorious, most fantastic, most amazing news the Earth had ever heard. Death isn’t the end.

    Three days after His death Jesus Christ raised up the body He allowed to die. 

    He keeps the nail marks in a resurrected and perfected body. Why? I ask my daughters this often. Why does Jesus Christ keep the marks of the nails in His perfect body? “To remind us that He always remembers us.”

    Oh, it is wonderful that He should care for me
    Enough to die for me!
    Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

    He lives.

    Our Savior. Our King.

  • Profession of Faith

    Profession of Faith

    *Before I post this I want to unequivocably say that I respect any church and its teachings, especially if they bring people and families closer to Jesus Christ. I don’t get to interact with teenagers much outside of coaching, but from what I’ve seen with the girls I’ve gotten to coach at two catholic schools, they are kind, compassionate, intelligent, awesome young women.

    When I started coaching basketball at my second catholic high school, I had to sign a Profession of Faith.

    I started reading through the document.

    “I believe in one God, the Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all things visible and invisible.”

    Okay, yeah, I can get behind that, we’re off to a good start.

    “I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God, born of the Father before all ages.”

    We’re good here. This is going to be easier than I thought!

    “God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father;”

    Wait, hold on, what’s that word mean?

    Consubstantial: “Of the same substance or essence (used especially of the three persons of the Trinity in Christian theology).

    Uh oh.

    But wait. Didn’t I just say I believe in one God, the Father almighty? Also, I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God?

    “through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven, and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, he suffered death and was buried, and rose again on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.”

    Yes! Exactly. Seated at the right hand of the Father. Okay, we’re back on track again.

    “He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom will have no end. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified, who has spoken through the prophets.”

    Yeah! Okay, this is great!

    “I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.”

    Uh oh.

    “I confess one Baptism for the forgiveness of sins and I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. Amen.”

    I wholeheartedly agree (does the Catholic Church have one baptism? I personally don’t know, I’m curious… to Google we go… quick Google search says no, the Catholic Church does not have one method of baptism).

    “With firm faith I also believe everything contained in God’s word, written or handed down in tradition and proposed by the Church, whether by way of solemn judgment or through the ordinary and universal magisterium, as divinely revealed and calling for faith.”

    Another word I have to look up, let’s see.

    Magisterium: “the teaching authority of the Roman Catholic Church, especially as exercised by bishops or the Pope.”

    Hmm.

    “I also firmly accept and hold each and every thing that is proposed definitively by the Church regarding teaching on faith and morals.”

    Uhm, I’m not sure. But I hope we can agree on principles of faith and morals.

    “Moreover, I shall always teach in accord with the Official Magisterium of the Church as it is proclaimed by the Pope and the College of Bishops.”

    …

    I then re-read it to see if I could make it work. I kept coming back to this:

    “God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father; through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven, and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, he suffered death and was buried, and rose again on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.”

    How can Christ be consubstantial with the Father and then sit on His right hand?

    “I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.”

    That one I couldn’t wiggle around. I don’t believe that.

    This wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t sign this. I so looked forward to coaching at this new school. I looked forward to continuing our work as a coaching staff. I looked forward to a new group and new challenges, though I’d miss my girls at St. Mary’s so much. I was excited to coach closer to home. I was excited to start taking Ivy to practice with me so she could hopefully start to develop a love for basketball like I had.

    I had to call Patricia and tell her we had a problem, that I couldn’t sign the Profession of Faith.

    I picked up my phone to call Patricia to see if there were any options available to us. I hit dial. The phone rang. I scrolled down a little bit more on my  screen and saw this:

    “FOR NON-CATHOLICS

    Roman Catholic Diocese of Phoenix
    Division of Education and Evangelization
    Profession of Faith

    I accept and hold each and every thing that is proposed definitively by the Catholic Church regarding teaching on faith and morals.“

    Patricia answered.

    “Never mind, we’re in the clear!”

    She was confused. I explained. All I had to do was enter the church I belonged to and I was good.

    How grateful I was for that last part, that I could submit my belief and move on. Was I prepared to refuse to sign that Profession of Faith? Yes, I was. I could not deny what I know. I couldn’t sign something I didn’t believe to be true.

    As I thought more about this, I thought more about the United States of America. How grateful I am to belong to a free country. How grateful I am to have the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution which grants me freedom of religion. How grateful I am that, even at a Catholic high school, which I just detailed might have some strong opinions about my beliefs, I can still click “other religion,” enter what church I belong to, and an institution with different beliefs accepts that. I am grateful for different beliefs. I am grateful for different opinions. I am grateful for debate and disagreement – as long as it is done with love. I am grateful for freedom.

    I’ve now coached three seasons at this new school. Of course there have been no issues. I hope through my example and love I can teach these girls about becoming great young women. I don’t proselytize them.

    It’s ended up being an amazing transition and I’m glad I’ve gotten to coach at a great Catholic high school. Andddd I checked with Patricia before posting this, just to be safe.