Quick update on my recovery. Nothing short of a miracle. The cover picture you’ve already seen is my head and arm today. It’s amazing. Read to the end to see the healing my head has gone through. Be warned, it is NOT pretty.
There has been real fear that I would have a permanent divot in my head. Like a mini crater. It was a likelihood that I would have a permanent bald spot. There were concerns about it healing and sealing up properly. There were many concerns.
I never concerned myself with much of this. It was something Beth and others would discuss. For one, I’m old, married, with a kid anyways. I always thought a bald spot would bother me. Once you get old, who really cares. Secondly, I didn’t concern myself with it because I knew it would work itself out.
Where I used to fear touching because there was a hole and I didn’t want to fully know what was going on back there, is now just a scab. Where we thought I might have a permanent crater and baldness, you can’t even tell there is an injury. My hair has grown long and now it blends in with the scab that has filled in my head.
There was some concern about how my arm might heal. I briefly had thoughts about whether the healing skin would tighten up and restrict movement. It’s my shooting shoulder! I set aside those concerns. It would heal or it wouldn’t. I wish I had the poetic ability to properly describe how it has transformed. From extremely painful, you’ve seen the pictures, to basically looking like a scratch. As of right now, it looks like I got a mild sunburn.
The third thing aside from my head and arm that was a concern was the helicopter bill. Our initial bill was for $46,198.50. You can imagine this would cause some amount of stress. I can say that Beth was pretty stressed about it. I say this with little pride, I like to think she was positively affected by my calm outlook. This is more due to our different demeanors than anything. It’s something I’ve written about before. Where Beth is pragmatic and planning, I like to think God will take care of it. See The Chance of Faith for more on that. God is likely more on Beth’s side. But I was not worried. We would have to pay it, or we wouldn’t. Either way, God was watching.
Despite my lack of worry and naïve, innocent belief that all would work out, I was still not looking forward to paying $46,000. For that reason, it was quite a relief when, after Beth’s work with forms and paperwork, our bill was dramatically decreased. I won’t give the exact amount, leave some intrigue, but I will say the decrease was ridiculous.
What’s the moral of the story?
I’m lucky?
Yes, I am.
I mentioned when I was on the ATV my brother gave me a priesthood blessing. I asked him 3 days after the accident what he said in the blessing. He replied that I was blessed that I would heal, and Beth wouldn’t lose me anytime soon. Again, my healing has been nothing short of miraculous. Anyone who has seen my head progress over the past 6 weeks is blown away. It’s unbelievable.
Am I lucky?
Yes, I am.
When I was 25 years old, I was ordained an Elder and given the Melchizedek Priesthood. I was so excited I invited every person I knew to be there. I was receiving the power and authority of God, to act in the name of Jesus Christ. I could heal, bless, baptize, and give the gift of the holy ghost. It was the most important moment in my life at that point.
Here is my testimony. The priesthood is the power and authority of God gifted to His children here on earth. When my brother laid his hands on my head and blessed me with health, it wasn’t the average prayer. The power that coursed from his hands to my bleeding head, the authority I myself had given him just months prior, that power literally healed me. That blessing was in affect and ordained by God. My brother worked hard to be worthy to bless me in that moment. That blessing came from heaven.
The priesthood authority is not mythical. It is not imaginary. It is a real power to act in God’s name. When I was blessed on that ATV, I was healed. I know it as sure as I am still breathing and typing this.
It’s a miracle how I’ve healed. I couldn’t heal like this without divine authority. I couldn’t heal like this unless God intended it to be. I was blessed by his power and authority. Why was I at peace throughout this process? Because 3 days in I asked my brother what he blessed me with that day. When he said, “you’ll heal,” I knew it would be. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.
I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for what he has blessed me with. Last week I was able to bless my daughter with the same priesthood authority. I know the blessing I gave my daughter was ordained by God and will also be in full affect. I can’t thank God enough for the priesthood He has blessed me with. How it blesses my life and my family’s life every day.
I know that the authority to act in God’s name must come by the proper channels. I know that Joseph Smith was visited by Peter, James, and John and given the keys to this priesthood power. I know the Church of Jesus Christ was restored and we are blessed by His delegating those keys to us, to simple, flawed man. He has trusted us with power. I am grateful to Joseph Smith for restoring the priesthood power and authority. I’m grateful for every blessing I’ve received and given in my life.
I know that God has authorized this. I look forward to the day when I can kneel before him in humble amazement and ask how He could love us so much, that He would give us all He has.
This my testimony in the sacred name of Jesus Christ.
________________________________________
I will provide some picture evidence of the miraculous nature of my recover.
*****WARNING*****
Please don’t keep scrolling if you get queasy easily. These are pictures I refused to look at until today. You can call me a wimp, but I had to step outside for some fresh air after seeing them. You’ve been warned.
*Edit -Two days before posting this I read this in Unlimited Power by Tony Robbins:
“Let’s consider the habit of smoking cigarettes… They contribute to everything from cancer to heart disease… People have every reason in the world not to smoke. Yet the tobacco industry continues to profit, and millions of people continue to smoke cigarettes, with more starting all the time. Why is that?
People may learn to enjoy the experience of smoking, but is that what got them started?.. What happened when they first smoked? They hated it. They coughed and gagged and felt nauseated. Their body said, ‘This stuff is terrible. Get it away from me.’ In most cases if your own physcal evidence tells you something is bad, you would expect to listen. So why don’t people do that with smoking? Why do they continue to smoke until the body gives in and finally becomes addicted?
They do it because they’ve been reframed as to what smoking means, and then that new representation and state have been anchored into place. Someone with a great deal of knowledge about persuasion has spent millions and millions of dollars to convince the public that smoking is something desirable. Through skillful advertising, clever images and sounds were used to put us in positive-feeling states; then those desired states (paradigm shift) were associated with or linked to a product called cigarettes. Through massive repetition, the idea of smoking has been linked with various desirable states. There’s no inherent value or social content to a piece of paper wrapped around tiny tobacco leaves. But we’ve been persuaded that smoking is sexy, or suave, or adult, or macho…
How crazy is this? What in the world does putting carcinogens into your lungs have to do with any desirable state? But advertisers do on a mass scale exactly what we’ve talked about in this book. They put out images that put you in a receptive, elevated state-and at the peak of the experience, they anchor you with their message. Then they repeat it on television, in magazines, or on the radio so that the anchor gets constantly reinforced and triggered.”
My own emphasis (underlines) and commentary (in parentheses) were added. Eerie. This book is copyright 1986. Do you think advertisers have let up? Do we think Lucifer is deciding to go easier on us? Anyone reading the above might say, “well cigarettes aren’t cool anymore, and they’re definitely not advertised the same.” Go to any bar and look at the mass of people outside. Then if you really think things have changed, pay closer attention to the next liquor/beer commercial you see. Shouldn’t take long. We’re bombarded by them all day, every day. I’ll now get to my original post. That was a long side-tangent.
Quentin L. Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once gave an address at BYU where he talked about a discussion he had. The discussion was about the influence of evil and the consequences of bad choices. Elder Cook was given an interesting hypothetical: how would Lucifer present his plan to an advertising agency?
“The adversary described his dilemma: he and his followers had rebelled and rejected the Father’s plan and had come to understand that they could not prevail against God. Lucifer understood that while the Father’s plan was about joy and happiness, his own plan resulted in grief and misery. The problem, Lucifer explained to the ad executive, was how to attract followers.”
Lucifer would determine that the only way he could win would be to achieve a “paradigm shift.” He would need to convince us that what he wanted us to do would result in happiness, joy, and freedom while following God would result in misery, lack of freedom, and bondage.
“This hypothetical meeting serves a useful purpose. The truth is, not only do the enemies of the Father’s plan attempt to undermine the doctrine and principles of the plan, but they also attempt to mischaracterize the blessings that flow from the plan. Their basic effort is to make that which is good, righteous, and joyful seem miserable.”
It’s an amazing thing to consider how humans gravitate towards what destroys them. As the lyrics from OneRepublic’s song Counting Stars says, “Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”
Consider the most obvious examples. Everyday millions of people drink literal poison. Here’s the amazing thing, you just read that and depending on who you are you thought of a different beverage from someone else. There are multiple poisonous drinks consumed every day. Am I referring to soda or alcohol? Both? How about cigarettes? I’m blown away every time I see someone smoking one. Like, “you know that is actually decaying your body from the inside out right?” Don’t care.
There are certain things that we have been asked to avoid in this modern day. We don’t always know why we avoid certain things. What I do know is that faithfully trying to follow God leads to blessings, both spiritual and temporal.
This leads to an important question.
Why do you think God doesn’t want you to sin?
Is it because He wants to control and tell you what to do?
Why wouldn’t He just force you not to sin then? He’s God.
Why does God hate and abhor sin?
God hates and detests sin because He know what the results of sin are: unhappiness, pain, suffering.
God doesn’t hate sin; He hates the unhappiness it leads to.
God is love. God is peace. God is joy.
I think about this often. I used to wallow in my sin and wonder why I was so miserable. Now that I’ve drawn closer to God, I’m so much happier. I see others stuck in the same pattern I was in and I desperately wish they would see there is another way. You don’t need to drink alcohol until you forget, to find happiness. You don’t need the lifestyle you think is bringing you joy, but you know is not.
Does God want you to be happy? An emphatic YES.
Does God want you to have freedom? An even more emphatic YES.
God would rather you have freedom even more than happiness. Otherwise, He would force you to make the choices that bring you joy. He refuses to do that. Your freedom means more to God even more than your happiness. To find true happiness you must choose it. To find true love you must gravitate towards it. We see this in what He’s given us, our agency. We always have the option to choose.
God’s plan, the Plan of happiness is meant to do just that. Bring happiness.
That doesn’t mean we all find joy the exact same way. That doesn’t mean we’re all on the same path. But I do believe the path of greatest joy leads to the being who gave us this whole experience. If life is hard, come to God and he will lighten your burdens. If life is joyful, we owe it to Him. Joy, growth, and freedom go hand in hand. We are meant to find these things during our mortal journey.
I use alcohol as an example because I believe it’s the easiest to use as an example, and because it’s what I have personal experience with. I’ve tried that life. I know alcohol doesn’t bring happiness. In fact, the terrible impact of alcohol on young brains and adult lives is now medically established.
A study from Harvard in the 1940s on success and happiness found:
“This study contains three significant insights. First, adult happiness has a high correlation with childhood family happiness, especially love and affection from parents. Second is the importance of a healthy, stable marriage to lifelong happiness. Third is the negative effect of alcohol on marital and lifetime success and happiness. Alcohol abuse touches one-third of families in the United States and is involved in one-fourth of hospital admissions. It plays a major role in death, bad health, and diminished accomplishment.”
The above quote was from the 1940s!! Has alcohol consumption gone down?
Notice the three things this study found that lead to happiness:
Love and affection from parents
Stable marriage
Alcohol avoidance
It’s no wonder the family has been attacked so aggressively the past 80 years. The paradigm shift has officially happened. Society says it’s about me, not my kids, kids take away MY freedom. Divorce. Drink and be merry. This isn’t happiness.
When the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored on the earth, soon after, the advice was given to abstain from strong drinks (Doctrine and Covenants section 89). The Word of Wisdom has blessed my life. It was established a century before studies started to prove its temporal benefit.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ brings happiness. I know this personally, from my experience following it. It only occurred to me recently that many of my friends and people I care a lot about really don’t think this happiness is an option for them. I know many of my friends and people around me are happy. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is there is always more joy to be gained. The Gospel of Jesus Christ isn’t an exclusive club. I wasn’t chosen to be a part of it because I’m lucky. I’m a part of it because it makes me happy, and that option is available to everyone.
I know a lot of people think “organized religion” or “God” or maybe even “a family” isn’t meant for them. I just want to remind anyone taking the time to read, happiness is for everyone. Happiness is something we all can find.
I know many of my friends think I’ve become a religious nut. Good. I have. The reason is because I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I used to invite people around me to bars, or parties, or to gamble. I’ve invited people to participate with me in things I thought brought me happiness. So why wouldn’t I invite every person I come in contact with now that I’ve found real happiness?
I wish I could shout it from the rooftops. I wish I was bolder about it than I am. I wish I could tell the entire world: you deserve to be happy. Find your happiness, however you need to. But I will tell you this, Jesus Christ is the source of all love. Therefore, He is the source of all truth and light. For that reason, He is the source of all happiness. I’ve learned that for myself and hope we all can, on our timeline.
I know where I come from. I know where I’m going. I know why I’m here. I know what happens when I leave here. I know I’ll be with my family forever. I know my daughter and my wife, who I’ve known for countless days, going all the way back to our premortal existence, I know I will be with them for eternity. This is true joy.
I know these things. Knowing these things bring me comfort. Knowing these things makes me happy. The choices and changes I’ve made in my life have brought me happiness I never thought I deserved. This happiness is for everyone.
“We need to wait for a helicopter. It’s 2 hours by road to the nearest hospital. You might have internal bleeding in your brain. You might die before we could get you there.”
I was in the back of an ambulance for the first time. It’s an interesting thing to wonder if you’re being melodramatic about dying and then being told by an EMT that you might die. It becomes a real possibility, if it wasn’t already.
My family rented ATVs over the weekend. We rented a cabin and stayed in Duck Creek, near Cedar City, Utah. We had the ATVs for four hours. My family went out first while Beth and I stayed at the cabin with Ivy. Then Beth and I swapped in for my mom and sister.
There were nine of us total and three ATVs. Two of the ATVs held four people and one of them held two. When Beth and I swapped in I drove with Beth in the front seat, my dad and brother in the back seat. We drove to Mammoth caves and explored. After 30 or so minutes looking at the caves, we went back to the ATVs to off road for our last 90 minutes before the ATVs had to be returned.
Moments before the accident
Beth hadn’t driven so we made her drive. My brother Garrick and his girlfriend Arielle rode in the back. We reminded Beth that if you’re not flipping the ATV you’re not trying. My uncle Jon led in the two-seater and my brother Dresdan drove the other four-seater behind them. We took up the rear so Beth could go at her own pace and not feel the pressure of Dresdan bearing down on her.
I had one glove off because I was eating airheads from my pocket. Beth was driving as cautiously as expected and the other two vehicles got ahead of us. I had a thought cross my mind: ‘I bet it would be safer to have no seatbelt on. It would probably be safer to be thrown out of this thing than stuck and crushed inside of it.’ I did have my seatbelt on. That thought I had was undoubtedly wrong.
I’ll describe what I remember next. Then I’ll tell the whole story from the perspective of those who stayed conscious throughout.
We were coming up on a turn. We were not going that fast. I had driven with much more reckless abandon when I was behind the wheel. We came up on this turn and Beth began to break and then we started to tip.
The next thing I remember was feeling pinned down and stuck. I couldn’t see anything. But I was stuck. My arm couldn’t move. I believe I started yelling.
The next thing I remember was the feeling of flipping over.
I still couldn’t see anything.
The next thing I remember was hearing crying and screaming from Beth. I told her I was going to be ok. It was going to be ok. I still couldn’t see anything.
The next thing I remember was moving. Jon was in the driver’s seat next to me. Someone was behind me holding something down firmly on my head.
It is fascinating how the brain works in moments of trauma. How was I thinking so clearly?
I asked if an ambulance was called and was told yes. It occurred to me, we drove way out into these trails. We were at least 30 minutes from anything. I asked who was behind me. Dresdan. It crossed my mind: the firmer whatever is on my head is being pressed down, the more likely I am to survive. I asked Dresdan to push down harder. He did, and it hurt. I asked him to push down less hard. I put my hand up and held it myself and asked Dresdan to support on top of my hand. I felt him start checking my neck and spine with his other hand. I put my right, gloved hand out the window and started flexing my fingers. I was tapping my legs repeatedly. I was acutely aware of the importance of staying awake.
I was staring through the windshield and thought I saw a crack. I stared harder and realized there was no crack, my vision was getting blurry. I was so tired. I told Jon and Dresdan that my vision was getting blurry and I was very tired. I told Dresdan to talk to me. He said something to me, and I can’t remember what it was. It wasn’t a conversation starter. I put my hand on Jon’s leg and squeezed. He put his hand on mine and held it. I asked Dresdan about the book I’d given him to read. He told me it was good and that I’d really like the one he gave me for Christmas. I talked about the book he had just read briefly, then got quiet. I was awake enough.
I asked Dresdan to give me a blessing. It was too loud. He would have to yell it. The talking I’d already done had made my head throb. I asked him to quietly give me a priesthood blessing.
I’ve always wondered how I would react at the prospect of death. It’s easy to say you don’t fear dying but what about when you actually might die?
I’ve always hoped there would be no fear, just faith.
On a destroyed ATV, soaked in my own blood, I learned the answer. I wasn’t afraid to die. While I wasn’t afraid to die something kept coming to my mind on repeat. My daughter is 6 weeks old. I want to see her again. Beth was driving, she can’t live with this guilt. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I need to see her again. I love Beth so much and can’t have her live with this pain. I want to see my daughter again. I love my wife.
Beth’s cries in that moment of blackness were in my mind. I could hear her grief. Could she live with this? I might die. Probably not. I was conscious. I was awake. Dresdan was keeping pressure on the wound. I would be fine.
But what if I wasn’t?
In that moment I confirmed what I’d always known. The two most important things in this world are God and family. In that moment I prayed relentlessly. I believe the blessing and my prayers kept me awake. What else mattered in that moment but God and my family?
Nothing.
I wanted to see my mom again, I wanted to see my dad again, I wanted to see my brothers and sisters. More than anything I wanted to see Ivy again. It hit me, maybe I wouldn’t. I realized, just in case, I should say something that needed to be said. I told Jon he had to tell Beth that I was ok, and it wasn’t her fault. It was an accident.
We came to a crossroads in the trail. I remembered where we had come from and told Jon. Adie and Jared drove up in the two-seater and told Jon to follow them to the main road.
We got out to a main street and started driving. We came to an intersection and there was the ambulance. We pulled into a dirt lot. I was surrounded by people I didn’t know. I was asked a lot of questions. They cut my clothes off of me and told me not to move my neck if I could help it. I was able to get my seatbelt off. They asked if I could get to the stretcher. I said I could with some help. I took the couple steps to the stretcher and they buckled me in. As I was taken to the ambulance, I saw Beth. Her eye was extremely swollen. She said she was ok. I was put into the ambulance.
This is where our story started. The EMT told me I might die.
Oh.
Ok.
It was real then.
Still no fear. Maybe that’s natural. Maybe the panic and shock takes precedence. I don’t know, I’ve only almost died this one time. The main EMT was a young blond guy. I asked him, “Are you a member of the church, you know, we’re in Utah right?”
He told me he wasn’t, he was raised in the church but had distanced himself from it. We had a conversation about the comfort I felt having that hope. He told me that hope was a powerful thing. He told me that hope told me that even if I died today, I would see my daughter again. He told me the other EMT in the ambulance was a member of the church.
I was told we had to wait for a helicopter. The drive was too long. I might die on the way. We had to wait. I was tapping my toes repeatedly. I was doing it to stay awake. I asked the EMT, Aidan, if it was ok. He said it was a panic response, my anxiety was high. He said it was natural, but if I could take some deep breaths and calm my body, that would help.
I haven’t been meditating all this time for nothing.
I took a few deep breaths and felt my body relax. He said my vitals (I don’t know, blood pressure?) improved and I was looking good.
They asked if I wanted my clothes that they’d cut off thrown out. I told them my garment top was there and it needed to be disposed of properly. Every person I saw from then on got the message that my garment top was present, and it was important it went with me.
The helicopter arrived and I was airlifted to the hospital. I asked the man sitting with me in the helicopter if he was a member of the church. He said he was just Christian. I told him we were part of the same family. He said he loves to discuss the differences. Oh, if I could have gotten his phone number.
In the ambulance they gave me pain medicine. What a difference that made. I was also told it was ok to sleep. I don’t know if I slept, I’m sure I at least dozed off.
At one point the man nudged me and told me we were going over Zion. I turned my head best I could and looked out. My first helicopter ride could have been better. Wasn’t the worst, though.
I arrived at the hospital and was wheeled in.
I can’t emphasize enough how kind every person was to me.
From Aidan, the first person I saw at the ambulance, to the helicopter, to the hospital. Every person treated me with love.
The next bit is a blur, so much happened.
I was given more pain medicine, my skull was numbed, they tried as best they could to clean out the wound in my head and arm, I did x-rays and a CT scan.
At one point a nurse told me something I did not want to hear. She tried to see if I wanted to hear it and I misunderstood and got much more information than I wanted. She could see my skull. Cool.
Eventually they determined I didn’t need surgery. Everything was good. They could staple me up.
The doctor counted 51 staples in my head, I counted 52. He said it wasn’t often they had to use a whole stapler. I was released the same day.
Sounds like it wasn’t that bad, right? You should see me now. My head has been leaking for three straight days and my shoulder is pretty morbid. I’ll put some pictures at the bottom for the sickos in the audience.
It all ended up being fine. I lived. I’m fine.
I should have died. If a couple things didn’t happen I wouldn’t have survived.
The parts that you (and I) missed. Apparently when the ATV flipped, my brother who was sitting back and to the left of me saw my body. He thought I was literally drowning in a pool of my blood.
The other two ATVs had stopped. They said something about knowing that was a slippery turn and wanting to wait. If the other two ATVs had gone on, I’m almost sure I would have died. Them stopping was the difference between me bleeding out in a tipped over ATV and living.
I firmly believe that I am protected by angels. Not just that day, but every day. I tell Beth often that God won’t take me a minute sooner than is my time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that angels resided with me that day. I know the others were prompted by the spirit to stay. They were feet away when we flipped.
It is difficult to get a group of 8 people to do anything in a quick and organized fashion. Set aside the panic and fear that might have set in. I’ve never been more proud of my family than when I heard the steps they took to save my life.
My brother-in-law Jared heard me yelling and thought I was crushed. Every male in the group, my dad, Jon, Garrick, Dresdan, Jared and Easton immediately grabbed the ATV and flipped it over. Jon got in to drive. Dresdan got in behind me to keep pressure on my head. I learned later that Easton was in my ATV also.
Adie and Jared jumped in the two person ATV and drove off to get cell reception to call an ambulance.
The others got in the other ATV. Initially they were going to drive ahead also. Someone realized, since the other ATV had flipped, it might have an issue driving. They drove behind us the whole way in case the ATV I was still seat-belted into broke down.
Can you believe that? In minutes, every person in my family did exactly what was necessary. Without a moment’s hesitation they saved me.
The doctors at the hospital told me they couldn’t believe I still had my right arm. They told me they’d seen a ton of these accidents and almost every time the person’s arm is destroyed or gone. They said if I’d reached out my arm would be gone. I think the airhead I was eating might have played a part in saving my arm.
God and family.
It’s weird to look back on nearly dying.
I’m amazed at the peace I could feel in what should have been a terrifying moment. I knew if I was meant to die, I would. The only thing that mattered to me was that my wife knew I loved her and it absolutely, positively, was not her fault.
Leaving Ivy would have hurt. It would have hurt. It would have hurt. It would have hurt. But I know that she would have been so loved.
I know what’s important in this life. I’m grateful for trials and scary moments to reaffirm what I know.
God and family.
To all those that have prayed for me, thank you.
To the Hollerbach’s, thank you for sending us food the night we drove back from Utah.
Beth has been off the charts amazing since the accident. She is currently caring for a newborn and someone with a traumatic head injury. She drove us back from Utah, 7 hours, the very next day. I just wanted to get home.
Ivy slept the entire way. We had to wake her for the two stops to feed her. She would get back in her car seat and zonk out. God has blessed me with so much.
I feel it necessary, because Ivy will read this one day, to say something to her.
To my sweet girl when you were born my world stopped revolving around the sun. When I thought I might die, you were my first thought. I hope you never doubt how much I love you. You and your mom are the most important things in the world to me. Never doubt it. Because I did come close the other day. I know what’s important. I love you, Ivy. I love my family and I can’t say enough how grateful I am for them.
God and family.
The pictures below are kind of gross. View them at your own risk. I’ll keep the pictures I wish I never saw private.
Ivy came today. I’m writing this in a bit of a haze. I keep getting told to get used to it.
Beth started having contractions around 2AM this morning. Apparently I asked her if she was OK around 2:30AM. Don’t have a complete recollection of that.
Around 5AM her water broke. We were at the hospital around 6AM. Beth got checked in and I believe was around 3.5cm.
At 6:30AM I received a text from my father-in-law (shout out Keith Cannon), “Of course we’re praying for Beth and Ivy. But also for you. I hope you stay conscious. Good luck.”
Between 6AM and 8:30AM things moved very quickly.
At 7:57AM I texted my mom and told her Beth seemed to be in so much pain. They wanted her to finish some pitocin.
I think it was 8:30AM when they came back in and kind of freaked out. Beth was in excruciating pain and at about 9cm. 10cm (I learned) is what is needed to start delivery.
I started getting our stuff together while they quickly wheeled her to the delivery room. When I came out into the hallway they were gone. I started wandering and came upon a man in scrubs. I asked him if someone came this way and he asked who. I told him he would have known if they did. I walked down the other hall and came up to a nurse. She asked what I was looking for and I said, “the screaming.” She led me to the delivery room.
I texted my mom from the delivery room at 9:07am, “Close.”
They finally got the epidural in at that time which made things drastically better. Beth improved immediately.
From 9:07AM to 9:23AM Beth went from writhing, screaming, and crying in pain to texting my mom. “Epidural has kicked in and I’m 10cm. I’ll probably deliver in an hour or so. They were shocked how fast I was moving.”
I’ve heard over and over about this thing that happens when becoming a father. I can’t emphasize it enough. I can’t say it with adequate enthusiasm or exaggeration.
When I first saw Ivy James Quackenbush my heart expanded, my world flipped upside down. In an instant I realized I would do anything, I would give my life without a second thought and at a moment’s notice for that beautiful soul. She was perfect, so beautiful.
I wish I could put it into words, but they’re not enough. My life as I knew it was over. And I knew it. This little thing was the new center. The center of my universe- along with Beth.
Watching what Beth went through, so much pain, to bring this life into the world. I instantly had something open up inside of me. Appreciation for my mother. ‘She went through this for me?!?!’ Love and awe at the strength of my wife and all women. How can a man walk out on a wife after seeing her bring the most important thing in the world, into the world? I thought of so many mothers – Eve, Mary, my mom, my wife. My Ivy.
How can women be treated the way they are in the world when they are the entire world? They’re why we’re all here.
I loved these two in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I couldn’t stop staring at Ivy. The gravitational pull of the universe had changed.
Beth held her and she screamed. Let the record show I cut the cord. She screamed and it was simultaneously the most fascinating and most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I didn’t know a scream could be so powerful.
I put my finger out and Ivy grabbed. She stopped screaming. The nurses started to take her for measurements and she wouldn’t let go of my finger. My heart!
I followed her. The thoughts I hadn’t let start because her coming had always been surreal started to flood my mind: I’m going to play basketball with her. I hope she loves basketball. We’ll play together. We’ll be best friends. I hope I never hurt her. I hope I can always protect her.
How does Heavenly Father love me? I’m a little closer to understanding today. I’m a little closer to understanding what true love is.
Ivy James Quackenbush and Elisabeth Brooke Quackenbush. My family.
Beth and I have been married for 15 months. If you’re doing the math, you’re realizing that our first 12 months of marriage included 3 months of quarantine. It seems silly for someone married 15 months to give marriage advice. But I’ll remind you, we’ve survived the great pandemic and quarantine period of 2020! I’d like to write some things I learned in the first year of marriage.
First let me comment on the pandemic. While being stuck with someone and quarantined with them for 6 months may be miserable for some, it’s made me realize how lucky I am to have a wife I love to be around. Beth and I have joked about how quarantine has been quite a blessing for us. We basically haven’t left each other’s side for 6 months. It’s crazy to think about. What’s even crazier is I love it. It’s given me a chance to appreciate her, talk with her, and be with her. We went through a stretch when the weather was nice where we were biking almost every day. That was great. As the heat set in, we transitioned into conversations and TV series together. It’s been nice.
It hasn’t been all roses and bliss. While we rarely fight, there are still frustrations. I’ll mention one (and don’t worry, this will be proofread by Beth before I post it).
Early on in our marriage I noticed a frustration setting in. If I cleaned a bathroom, or did laundry, or vacuumed the living room I would find myself resenting her. I would wonder why she didn’t help or do this or that.
I was letting this frustration build when I turned to someone for advice. This wise advice giver presented me with thoughts that completely turned around my way of thinking. He said that when he got married (39 years ago, congrats!) he was given some advice that he took to heart. He said he struggled with something similar early in marriage where he would fold the laundry and then expect his wife to do something in return. Someone explained to him that you don’t fold the laundry to keep a leg up or hold something over on your wife. You fold the laundry because you love your wife and you want to do it for her and yourself, without any thought of repayment.
My advice giver talked about the Savior and how He is our greatest example. He reminded me Jesus Christ never did anything with any hope of getting something in return. Christ served only to serve. He reminded me we’re here to become like Christ. Folding the laundry or doing the dishes, with zero expectations of getting something back, was our small way of becoming like Christ.
It hit me how dumb I’d been. Here I was doing good stuff like picking up around the house but doing it without good intentions. I was essentially nullifying my “good deed.” I was reminded we don’t serve to get pats on the back, we serve because we love. It reminded of the advice of our bishop, Bishop Nelson, when Beth and I met with him before getting married. He said, “If you always do whatever you can to make the other person happy, you will always have a happy marriage.” I’ve realized how difficult that is in practice, but how rewarding it is to try to live thinking about Beth first.
I realized after this advice that I’d really let some negative feelings set into my heart. Looking back, I think it would have been a short skip and a jump to negative feelings turning into resentment, resentment turning into animosity, and animosity turning into a really unhappy home. I’m extraordinarily grateful to two wise advice givers that helped me be a *slightly better husband early on.
Let me be clear about something. I am far from a perfect or I’d say even a decent husband at this point. While Beth is the epitome of love and kindness, I know my tendency to be stoic and un-affectionate. I am lucky to be married to someone who understands my flaws. I’ve mentioned some of the patience I’ve developed but I’m well aware of Beth’s out of this world patience with me. I know I am not easy to live with and I feel so lucky to have her.
Since I received the advice, I can say my heart has changed. Every once in a while, if I’m vacuuming, I’ll get an inkling of frustration. I have to stop myself and remember. Am I vacuuming so I’m owed something? No. I’m vacuuming because I want to clean up and I love my wife. She does so much around the house and does so much for me. There’s no keeping score. Truth is I’m lucky we don’t keep score, or I’d probably be losing.
The moral of the story I learned is we control how we feel. We can control our thoughts and our emotions- especially frustration. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible. It’s what we’re here to learn. We’re here to learn patience and love. I’m still working on being a more loving husband and look forward to the years where Beth teaches me how to be more loving.
I see a sad trend in our society and the world today. We give up too easy. Love and marriage aren’t easy. If it was easy it wouldn’t be rewarding. We’re in a world that has decided if things are difficult, they’re not worth it. It makes me sad. Committing to marriage should be the most serious commitment of our life. Too many people give up too quickly. It’s sad and I wish it wasn’t that way.
I know that my marriage will end up being the greatest catalyst to my growth in this life. From my marriage I will soon be blessed with a daughter which will also provide vast opportunities to mature in many qualities. I’m grateful for my marriage. I’m grateful that my marriage is for eternity. I can’t imagine vacuuming all these floors and taking out all this trash just to have this marriage end when I die. I’m earning brownie points for eternity 😉. (Just kidding! Were you paying attention? No brownie points!)
I’ll conclude with a great quote. The quote comes from Jenkin Lloyd Jones and has famously been quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley. I share it because I think it’s important to remember, especially when marriage becomes difficult.
“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.
Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
No Coincidences 