No Coincidences

Tag: girl dad

  • Simplified Fathership (Must read for all Dads!)

    Simplified Fathership (Must read for all Dads!)

    These are the highlights I typed up for myself from a book called Simplified Husbandship | Simplified Fathership by Richard M. Eyre. I typed this up mostly for myself to refer back to. This section is only on simplified fathership.

    (In multiple quotes in this book the author says “he” and “him” when referring to his own children. Since my children are all girls, I changed each of these instances to “her” and “she”).

    “Fathership is, in the eternal context of the gospel, vastly important. It is a key to much of what lies ahead. Until this life, fathership was God’s role, His only. When we came to this earth, we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions, assuming the fathership role ourselves – we hope to keep it for eternity. There is no greater stewardship no greater source of potential joy or of potential sorrow.”

    How true is that? There are no higher highs or lower lows than those associated with being a parent.

    I also like that idea, that we made the greatest of eternity’s transitions when we left our premortal life to come to earth. We took on the greatest responsibility when we came to earth. The responsibility over our bodies and the responsibility over the bodies of others. There was no going back once we decided to come here.

    “[Fathership] is hard because we’re dealing with the most complex things on earth: new human lives.”

    “It’s hard because God is the only one who knows how. But that is also the reason we can do it, and do well at it – because our Heavenly Father will help us (individually, personally) to be good fathers, if we ask, if we try, if we make it a high enough priority.”

     “Fathership isn’t easy, but it is natural. You do have fathership inside of you. It was bred there through the premortal eternities. It was taught by the perfect example of the only Father there.”

    Truths about fathership and families that are self-evident:

    1. “Families are heavy, profound, eternal responsibilities.”
    2. “Families are the foundation of civilization.”
      • “Every society that has flourished has been firmly founded upon strong families and homes. The early success of the American democracy can be attributed to the family. There was little social progress in the first 250 years following Columbus’s landing. Most “Americans” were French and Spanish seekers of fortune, more oriented to the pursuit of wealth than to serious settlement. America, like the Orient and all great civilizations of progress and stability, became great with the arrival of strong families who wanted to build real homes.”

    “Happy families are all alike: every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolsto

    The key qualities to simplified fathership:

    1. Confidence
    2. Consultantship
    3. Calmness-Consistency-Congruence
    4. Concentration

    Confidence:

    “People respond to confidence. People live up to the images they perceive others have of them. Especially little people.”

    “All children have unique gifts. A parent who can recognize them will magnify them. He will feel real confidence in the child which the child will sense in a hundred subtle ways. Strength leads to strength. Confidence grows.”

    “Rewards are better than punishments.”

    “The father who has programmed himself to look for and show confidence will direct toward the child the kind of light that can be reflected and that will steadily and gradually increase the child’s self-esteem.”

    “Sometimes the most obvious ways of showing (and building) confidence in children are overlooked. The more direct ways are often best. The most direct way is to tell the child. Sit a three-year-old down, look her square in the eye, and say, “You are really a fast runner. You are very good at eating with a fork. You are good at building things with your blocks. I am really proud of you.”

    “Try it as an experiment. Think about the specific things you are proud of about your child. Make a mental list. Not too long. Just the main things. Think of the gifts she has, the things (even little ones) that she does well. Get her alone. Concentrate on her. Tell her what she’s good at. Some children react more than others (when I do this with my three-year-old he beams like a sunbeam and is sweetness and light for twelve hours) but all children react. Those who respond least may be those who need it most.”

    Confidence Summary:

    “A father who is self-programming the concept of “confidence” says to himself:

    • “I look for my child’s gifts, talents, virtues, sweetness. I notice all she does well, all she is, all she is becoming.
    • “I tell her! I praise her in every way – by word, look, touch.
    • “I give more attention for positive behavior than for negative.
      • (I really try to do this, though it is difficult. The natural reaction to something bad is to jump up and correct it immediately. Since that natural reaction is so hard to fight, I try to be extra intentional about reacting to positive behavior. When Ivy does something for Sage or picks up after herself, I try to be very effulgent and boisterous with my praise).
    • “I avoid criticism consciously, carefully. I separate my disfavor with things she does from my constant favor and confidence in her, in who and what she is.
    • “I love my child. I‘m more grateful for her than I can express. She is a very important person to me. I am important because I have her! She knows this; she feels it.”

    Consultantship:

    “Our Heavenly Father whose fathership is perfect and whose model all fathers should look to, set the clear example of wisdom. His plan, and that of His Son, was built around agency and freedom. He rejected (as did we) the plan of guarantees and managed supervision, choosing instead the plan of self-determination and experience, and freedom to ask, decide, and choose.”

    “Perhaps the Lord’s greatest strength is manifest when He lets us make mistakes.”

    • I think about how patient God was with me while I figured out who I am. Can I do this same thing for my girls as they grow and make mistakes? I hope so.

    A study was done by Life magazine. It selected two groups of students. One group were A students, and the other group were less self-motivated students with average grades. The students came from similar homes. The researchers traced the students’ histories backwards trying to find differences. The researchers didn’t find differences from their homes until they got to the pre-school years:

    “The difference was the parents. The A students had parents who functioned more as consultants than managers. They loved their children but were involved and busy with other things as well. Their general attitude toward their pre-school children was to keep them in a free, stimulating environment; let them explore; respond to their questions; watch for “curious moments” when they could teach their children. The C parents were more dominant, more managing. In most cases, they actually spent more time with their children than the A parents, but that time consisted of directing the children and force-feeding them with things they were often not interested in. The C children had more restricted environments and lived lives that were virtually managed by their parents.”

    One day the author planned a whole day with his kids: clean their rooms, plant in the garden, go on a bike ride. The day quickly fell apart. “The rooms never got clean, I planted by myself the only seeds that got planted, and the kids acted as if I was forcing them to ride their bikes.” The author was reminded of something urgent he had to do in the afternoon for work. He told his kids, “Kids, I’ve got a little work I have to do. There are some seeds in the shed. The directions are on them, but don’t touch them until your rooms are straight. I’ll unlock the old clothes chest for costumes if you want to play afterwards. I don’t care what you do as long as you clean up. I’ll be in the den if you need me.”

    The author states that the afternoon went amazing. He helped with a couple questions about the seeds and had to remind his son twice about his room. He settled one disagreement that “gave me a chance to teach a principle. (We “backed up” the problem and had the two act out how they could have resolved it without fighting. It was a real teaching moment, because it was related to something that had just happened rather than being a lesson I just happened to want to teach them).” The author got his work done and when he finished his kids had a play to present to him with the costumes.

    He says, “I learned that day that children do not need to be told to learn or told what to learn. They need responsive parents. They need a father who is more interested in them and in their needs and interests of the day than in his own preconceived ideas of what would be fun or what they should learn.”

    I have found this to be especially true lately with Ivy and Sage. When anything happens – Ivy takes something and Sage is screaming, Sage hits Ivy and Ivy is retaliating, etc. I usually intervene and help them resolve it. Lately I’ve just been letting it happy. This takes a lot of resolve because the natural parent reaction is “there is conflict happening with my kids, I need to do something.” But what I’ve found is, when I intervene, I can usually calm it down after a couple minutes, but another conflict is very likely to happen again soon after.

    What I’ve found is that if I just let the conflict happen between them, it might take longer to calm down, someone might even get hurt, but they will eventually resolve it. And when they do resolve it, it will be done, over, squashed. I think when I step in and force a resolution, there isn’t really anything being resolved. I’m putting a band-aid on the situation and it will soon happen again. But when they’re allowed the space to work it out together, it actually gets resolved, and they move on to peaceful, awesome, team-work play.

    “Children are more like plants than like clay. They need to be nourished, not formed; cultivated in their own growth, not pressed into molds.”

    “My Commitment to My Children’s Agency”:

    1. I will not force my children into my preconceived mold of what they should be. I will try to discover who and what they really are as they discover themselves. I will try to expose them to many things and to encourage their interests, their abilities.
    2. I will try to give them a free and active, open environment. No parts of our house will be off-limits. I will be sure there is an abundance of crafts, projects, books, games, and materials to experiment with.
    3. I will watch them, listen to them, and answer their questions honestly (with another question whenever I can). I will watch for “teaching moments” and take the time necessary whenever I see one.
    4. As much as practical, I will let them make their own decisions.
    5. I will make my own life as real and full as possible so that I will serve as an example to them of the joy of growing up and becoming an adult. I will show confidence in the gospel and in myself so that they will want to come to me when they have questions or worries.

    Item one will be difficult for me given my love of basketball. I hope my girls will develop a love of basketball as I watch with them, take them to practice, and take them to play. Ivy and I have started daily ball handling drills. So far it’s fun and she’s enjoying it. I hope it continues.

    Give the right priority to your kids without dominating them.

    “The Savior, of course, was a great consultant. He guided people in working out their own problems. He answered questions with questions or with parables. He made people think, encouraging them to draw their own conclusions.”

    “Joseph Smith, in one of his most profound and thought-provoking statements, said, “I teach [the people] correct principles and they govern themselves.” To a surprising degree, this works even with small children.”

    Consultantship Summary:

    • “I am a consultant to them. I let them explore, experience, discover, I watch for teaching moments and respond to questions but try not to manage or dictate what the do any more than I have to.
    • “I teach them principles and try to be an example of each principle I teach.”

    Calmness-Consistency-Congruence:

    Calmness

    When speaking of Mr. Rogers, “It is because he is so calm that it makes them (kids) feel calm.”

    “Anything connected with the Savior or His words carries a feeling of peace.”

    “Nothing works better in calming down a child than telling her about a time when you felt the same way.”

    “Probably the most important key to calmness is that the father have calmness as his conscious goal. Whatever your other objectives for the moment…try to maintain a second objective which is always the same: ‘Keep a calm, pleasant spirit whenever you are with them.’”

    Consistency

    “Erratic behavior, on the other hand, upsets children and makes them insecure.”

    “Things that are consistent in a family become traditions. Children gain security and calmness from things that don’t change, things they can depend on.”

    Congruence

    “There is a difference between an uncontrolled temper and righteous indignation. There is also a difference between real calmness and artificially-contained fury.

    “Christ often taught through righteous indignation. When His apostles made mistakes and should have known better, He reproved them sharply, and they felt His love through His wanting them to be better. Two things distinguished His anger. First, it was always directed at what they did, never at them. Second, it was controlled, never out of control.” (John tells us that Christ braided a whip before driving the money-changers from the temple.)

    “You change your children for the better only as you change yourself for the better.”

    Importance of setting a good example:

    1. “We were having a hard time getting the two older girls to practice the violin consistently. After weeks of nagging and pushing, I had a better idea. I got out my old cello and started practicing each morning before breakfast. Within a week, the girls were practicing, too.
    2. “Josh’s room was always a disaster. I had tried to explain how much better and more peaceful he would feel if he kept it straight, but with no results. One day I brought him into my room, which needed cleaning, and sat him down to watch. While I cleaned, I talked about how nice it would make me feel. I showed him that I enjoyed having it straight. I explained what pride meant and that I was proud of my room. About then, he disappeared. When I finished I peeked into his room. He was cleaning feverishly, with a contented smile on his face.”

    Calmness-Consistency-Congruence Summary:

    • “I’m calm in the presence of my children. They feel my calmness and respond to it.”
    • “I’m consistent with my children in discipline, in being responsive to their questions, and in doing certain things they can depend on.”
    • “My feelings and behavior with my children are congruent. I let them see my real emotions, but they are always in control. If I get more angry than ‘righteous indignation’ would allow, I apologize to them.”

    That last part is something I take pride in. If I make a mistake (hurt my child, lose my temper, yell, am unfair, am unreasonable, etc), I will apologize to my girls. I think it’s extremely important that they see and hear me apologize when I make a mistake.

    Concentration:

    “Children need two kinds of confidence. One is the security-confidence of being part of a family institution. The other is the individual-confidence of liking themselves, of being unique, of knowing there are certain things they do well.”

    Ways to focus on each child as an individual:

    1. Daddy Dates
      • Each child has a “daddy date book” which is nothing more than a note book in which she keeps memories of each date – – a ticket stub or a program.
    2. Clubs
      • With the eldest daughter, who loves books, she has “the Library Discussion Group.” With a six-year-old son, who is very mechanically minded, he has “The Fixers Club” (whenever something breaks, the two of them try to fix it together). These clubs not only give each child a special and unique relationship with their dad; they also provide a vehicle for close communication. The father says he learns far more about his boy in their talks while “fixing things” than in any more formal “interview.”
    3. Husband-Wife Reviews
      • Go on a date once a month where the topic of discussion is each child, how they’re progressing, and their needs.
    4. Interviews
      • Meet with children once a week to talk about their week and their goals for the upcoming week.
    5. Ten-second Focus and Taking them Along.
      • Another father I want to tell you about says he’s too busy for any routines such as those listed above. He says that whenever he tries a “daily program” or a “weekly interview” something comes up and he feels guilty for not following it. His method, therefore, for giving his children individual attention is quite different. First, no matter how busy he is, he finds at least one moment a day (sometimes only a few seconds) to interact directly with each child. He focuses all his attention on that child, perhaps for just one question: “How did that math test go?” Second, this father takes one of his children with him whenever it is possible.

    The last part is something I put extra effort into doing even though it’s so much more work. Going to the store? Which (or all) of my girls can I take with me? Visiting someone from church? Who is coming with me? Meeting with the missionaries and someone interested in our church? One of my girls is coming along. That last one often happens and for any “distraction” having a young child with me causes I think is more than made up for by cuteness.

    “One help in a large family is for the father to make a point of privately telling each child how important his individual place in the family is. “You are the oldest and your example means so much to the others.” “You are the youngest daughter and we’ll always have a special love for you.” “You’re our blondie.”

    “As you begin to feel that you know the unique strengths and gifts of a particular child, it is a good exercise to write out a description of that child which includes each gift. The writing helps you focus real attention on that child. (The reading, out loud to the child, improves her confidence both in herself and in your love for and interest in her.)

    “Perhaps the best way to learn how to treat a child as an individual is to pray about each one, to ask the Lord to reveal to you their strengths and to tell you how to communicate fully and individually with each one.”

    Concentration – Summary

    • “Each of my children is unique. I appreciate separate things about each of them.
    • I find ways to be with each one alone and to talk to each one alone. I realize that each may need a different kind of communication with me.
    • I look for the unique gifts that each one has and compliment it and cultivate it.”
  • Ivy, Sage, and Wren Thoughts

    Ivy, Sage, and Wren Thoughts

    A lot has changed since Ivy and Sage thoughts was posted in June of 2024. Since then, Wren has joined the family.

    Sage is very much forming full sentences now (callback to last post). She has a lot to say. A really neat thing to see is Sage’s adoration for her big sister. She follows Ivy around everywhere she goes. She’s started wearing Ivy’s slides to school, even though they’re way too big for her, because they’re Ivy’s old shoes.

    Sage is still shy. She’s getting better, but still has her moments. She’ll open up to people rarely. If a stranger is around she becomes super coy. She’s gotten especially better with family and people she sees regularly. But once she knows you and trusts you, she is full Sagey Sunshine. She is a linchpin in nursery at church. She walks in and gets other kids toys. It’s weird because despite being shy she likes to sing as loudly as she can during sacrament meeting in church. The only way to get her to be quiet is to tell her everyone is watching her because she’s being too loud. She immediately quiets down and starts looking around. I hope I’m not irreparably damaging her psyche.

    Ivy’s growth and transformation since Wren was born is extraordinary. She still has her toddler moments. but overall she seems like a new person. A new maturity has immerged. She is smotheringly loving with Wren.

    Ivy and Sage are constantly asking to hold Wren. They love her.

    I’ve been telling people the oldest child has to grow up fast, the middle child has to learn to survive, and the youngest child will be the toughest. Wren has been mauled since the second she got home. If you look closely at her eyes you can’t help but see a, “I left heaven for this?” Look on her face.

    It’s interesting watching this dynamic develop between Ivy, Sage, and Wren, and then think about myself and my siblings. I think about how quickly I had to grow up, how Adie followed me around, and how much I used to beat up Garrick and Dresdan.

    Recently Garrick sent me a video. It was a guy talking about his older brother. He was saying how he was grateful for his older brother because he watched his older brother take all the speed bumps so he didn’t have to. That meant a lot to me.

    Now I’m seeing Ivy already start taking the speed bumps that Sage and Wren won’t have to.

    Transition into a heartwarming sister story.

    Bedtime is of course an adventure/disaster/struggle pretty much every night. Ivy and Sage share a room. Most nights they lay down, all seems quiet, then Sage gets out of bed, turns on the light, climbs onto Ivy’s bed, and they start playing. This would be okay, except that it turns into tears and pain almost 100% of the time if left unchecked.

    One night we put Ivy and Sage to bed a little earlier than usual. I watched on the monitor as Sage turned on the light and got into Ivy’s bed. I went upstairs and opened the door. Sage immediately reacted by starting to frantically scoot towards the edge of the bed, as she was used to me angrily coming in to tell her to get back in bed. This night I decided to give another message. I told Sage she could stay with Ivy as long as they did calm and quiet activities like read and tell stories. Sage got so excited. The smile on her face. She scooted back toward Ivy and started quietly clapping with the biggest grin on her face.

    Ivy said, “Okay, I be just a little crazy.”

    I told her no crazy at all. She said, “Just this much crazy,” and showed her forefinger and thumb pressed tightly together indicating a tiny bit of crazy. I reiterated that there was to be no crazy. I left them to quietly play. They ended up peacefully going to sleep.

    Bedtime, sitting and playing quietly together, turning on the light, I’ve learned every so often it’s okay to just let it go. It eventually ends up in Sage crying, but at that point she’ll just get in bed and go to sleep. Ivy will usually lie down quietly facing her lamp going through her books and audio sleep stories.

    We recently moved. The days during the move were…hard. It was difficult for the girls. I could tell. It’s interesting how our personalities, the things people don’t see, get passed onto our children. I could sense my girls feeling unsettled because I felt unsettled.

    I didn’t recognize Ivy and Sage during the move. They were not themselves. In the midst of this chaos, after they went to sleep, I had to write as I do every night. I came back to this post to continue on it.

    Writing about them was just what I needed. I re-read this in progress post and it reminded me of the normal disposition of my girls. This wasn’t them.

    I came back and read this –

    I was in the car with Ivy on a long drive. I was zoned out, in my own head.

    Suddenly Ivy said something to me. I just responded automatically without even thinking about what she said, “Yeah, Ivy.”

    Then I processed what she said. “The moms on the bus go beep beep beep.”

    Once I processed it, I realized Ivy was making our classic joke, saying something on the bus does something it doesn’t actually do.

    I cracked up and told Ivy she got me, and that it was really funny.

    She was silent so I didn’t know if she was over it because I took too long.

    I looked in the rearview mirror and she was sitting in her car seat with a smug grin on her face.

    “I made Dad laugh,” she said just loud enough for me to hear.

    Gosh I love these girls so much and I’ll try not to turn this Ivy and Sage moments post into a parenting post but… parenting is so hard. All the cliches – there is no playbook for this, I don’t know what I’m doing, etc.

    I am an apprentice parent. And who am I an apprentice to?

    The Father of the universe. What an honor. I know I’ve written about this before but how could He possibly entrust me – so incredibly flawed and faulty – to care for these precious souls?

    Anyways, back on to the positive, funny, and uplifting moments of parenting two amazing girls.

    Sage is crazy in the pool. Ivy as a baby had a semblance of this behavior before she got old enough to know better, but it was nothing like Sage. If we’re sitting on a step in the pool, Sage will repeatedly walk to the edge of the step and dive out into the water as far as she can. She’s not just stepping off the edge, she is diving. She’ll do one of two things at this point. She will either curl up into a ball or she will stretch out completely like she’s trying to reach the other end of the pool. It goes without saying we watch her very closely in and near the pool.

    My family likes to go cliff jumping at the lake. It’s one of our favorite activities. Looks like Sage is going to be my cliff jumper. Ivy will too, but Sage seems to have an innate desire for danger.

    As a kid I hated roller coasters. Hated. I would be peer-pressured to go on rides, and I would hate it. I remember my cousin Sarah loving roller coasters and having the feeling that I needed to toughen up. My parents now say it was Adie getting old enough to ride roller coasters that made me start embracing them. Now there’s nothing I love more than thrill rides and thrill activities. Roller coasters, sky diving, cliff jumping – these are my favorite things to do. If you told my 8-year-old self I’d grow up and my three favorite things would be roller coasters, jumping out of an airplane, and doing a gainer off a 35-foot cliff, I’d probably have thought that unlikely. It’s interesting how those around us influence us so much, sometimes for the better.

    Like I said, I think Sage is going to be a natural cliff-jumper. Ivy may see that and become a cliff-jumper as well.

    Ivy does already love the lake, though. Let the record show.

    There’s a mini battle Beth and I have had the last two summers when we visit Las Vegas. Beth doesn’t want Ivy to go to the lake with me and my family. I always think it goes without saying that she’s going.

    I kind of understand Beth’s reservations.

    I understand that Ivy is little, it can be the slightest bit dangerous if we don’t watch her closely (which we do), it’s hot, open water, etc.

    On the other hand, Ivy has to come to the lake with us!

    Beth’s main concern I know is that I’m not fully engaged in parenthood when at the lake. Hard to watch your daughter while you’re leaping off cliffs. That said, when I’m not jumping off cliffs, there’s nothing I want more than to be sitting with Ivy on a boat, a kayak, or swimming with her.

    When we finally did take Ivy to the lake for the first time, she loved it. She spent 8 hours at the lake, took a little cat nap in the shade while cruising around in a boat, went home, drove to St. George, and proceeded to stay up all night. Ivy’s a lake girl.

    One last funny Ivy story and Sage story to conclude this post.

    Ivy the other day started to say, “We’re going to do Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and Christmas.” As I was starting to think to myself, ‘Wow, how’d she know the order of holidays? My girl is growing up..’ Ivy concluded, “We’re going to do it backwards this year.” That made me chuckle.

    As I mentioned, we moved. The new neighborhood is full of little kids under the age of 9. Coming from essentially a retirement community at our condo, that’s been great.

    The other day Ivy and Sage were sitting in the grass playing with a new friend. Ivy was talking a lot, telling this new friend stuff. Sage, still her coy and quiet self at times, was repeating everything Ivy was saying, just extremely quiet. So Ivy would say, “This is how you make rock people” and Sage would whisper, “how..make.. rock people.”

    I love these girls.

  • Ivy and Jesus with the Light

    Ivy and Jesus with the Light

    I was working on my laptop and Ivy saw a picture. It was an abstract-looking drawing of a long-haired individual meditating.

    Ivy said, “It’s Jesus.”

    Her and Sage say this if they see pretty much any image of a long-haired individual.

    It makes me happy every time.

    I chuckled.

    Then Ivy said, “Show Jesus with the light.”

    I paused like you often have to do when talking with 4-year-olds to figure out what she meant.

    Jesus with the light…

    Hmm…

    Then it came to me what she meant. I pulled up this image and showed it to her:

    “Yes! That’s it!” She looked fondly at the picture.

    My happiness turned to joy.

    This picture has a special place in my heart as it was once an answer to prayer that I’ve remembered ever since.

    When I was just returning to church, I attended a fireside one Sunday evening. I dragged Chris along with me. As he and I were walking around the church building halls before the meeting got started, we paused at the above picture, which is present in so many of our church buildings.

    We both looked at it.

    “Why do they look the same?” Chris asked.

    Huh. I’d looked at this picture at least 346,000 times but never really realized or thought about it. They did look the same. I didn’t know the answer.

    Chris shrugged and moved on. I was kind of annoyed I didn’t know the answer to a question I felt I should know. Or at the very least something I should have noticed in my 346,001 viewing of the painting.

    We went into the fireside.

    The speaker was introduced and he stood to speak. He powered on a projector and an image was displayed behind him. 

    Drum roll please.

    You guessed it.

    The image displayed was none other than the painting Chris and I had just been observing in the hall.

    The speaker began, “Does anyone know why the figures in this image look so much alike?”

    My head jerked to look at Chris next to me. Was he hearing this?!

    The speaker went on to explain that the scriptures tell us that Jesus Christ is in the express image of His father. Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father look alike. Makes sense, He is His Son, after all.

    I can’t remember why the speaker talked about this. It wasn’t a major point. It was something I think he assumed most of us knew (I didn’t!). He proceeded onto his main point that I can’t remember.

    I was shocked.

    Chris asked a question. We received an answer.

    I considered this a miracle.

    I think Chris shrugged and thought, ‘what a coincidence.’

    I have joy today because I came back to church. I have joy today because I consider every day what Jesus Christ did for me yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I have joy today because Ivy and Sage say “Jesus!” every time they see an image of a long-haired man.

    NoCoincidences.

  • Wren Sonora Quackenbush 1/20/2025

    Wren Sonora Quackenbush 1/20/2025

    It’s interesting considering what you can glean about a soul in the signs they give before their arrival.

    On Monday 1/20/25, someone asked me if I wanted to play basketball that night, I said I probably shouldn’t because Beth wouldn’t appreciate that. He asked when the baby was coming. I said, “Any day now. She’s being stubborn.”

    Maybe because Ivy and Sage both came a week early, maybe because Beth was extremely done with this pregnancy, maybe a combination of factors, but for 14 days leading up to Monday 1/20 we were thinking it would be any day.

    That led to a lot of anticipation. WHY AREN’T WE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL?

    Friday 1/17 Beth and I spent the night on the couch as she was having irregular contractions most of the night. We were ready at any moment to pack up and leave.

    Flash forward to 1/20 and I was at basketball practice when Beth called. She thought it was really happening this time. I told the team and was off, not super optimistic that it was actually happening. Once I arrived at the house, I knew it was happening.

    We quickly gathered our bags and were out the door. Ivy and Sage waved with Grandma and Aunt Jane from the front door. I’ll probably always remember that image. My two girls, my world, not fully realizing how their worlds were about to change – in challenging but amazing ways.

    I’m writing this from the hospital and I’m so excited for them to meet their new sister.

    What Wren lacked in initiative pushing us to the hospital she made up for once we arrived. We got to the hospital around 5:00pm and she was born at 6:05pm.

    Ivy and Sage’s births were fast and felt whirlwind-like. This had a whirlwind feel given the pace, but it really didn’t feel frantic at all. It felt very under control. Of course, who am I to say? Beth would probably say it was a complete whirlwind of chaos.

    When Beth and I were planning to get married our Bishop at the time had a sit down with us. I remember him commenting on how Beth came from a family of five children and I came from a family of six. He made a statement that I’ve remembered ever since. It was something like, “You two will have no problem having children.”

    I’m not sure how he meant it at the time, but with how Ivy, Sage, and now Wren have come, I can’t help but feel like it was a Bishop’s blessing. That’s how I’ve taken it ever since.

    Wren’s coming could not have gone any more smoothly.

    It felt like a blessed and sanctified process.

    It felt guided and protected.

    Again, Beth might not agree, I’m ultimately just a bystander to the process. I think she would agree though. Maybe we should ask her.

    This isn’t to say that difficult pregnancies or deliveries are any less special. On the contrary, challenges sometimes make the blessings more powerful. We all have our own experiences with this miracle. And that’s what each and every birth is: A miracle.

    I am grateful for a strong and capable wife that can do this unimaginable thing. We are blessed that this process has gone well for us three times. I do not take this for granted.

    So Wren arrived with a lot more hair at 6:05pm.

    I’ve described this process before. See Ivy and Sage’s welcome to life posts. I’ll try to put it into words for a third time.

    My heart didn’t split, it expanded. As I looked at Wren, Ivy and Sage flashed before my eyes. I thought about how I loved each of them so powerfully. I can’t remember if I was brought to tears immediately with the other two. Maybe I should go back and read their posts. I wanted to write this before reading Ivy or Sage’s so this could be completely original.

    But as I looked at Wren I had to hold back tears. Not sure why the third hit me so hard. Maybe it was the pace of things. Maybe three is a special number, and when your heart expands that third time, something special happens.

    I don’t know.

    All I know is I love her so much.

    It’s crazy, you know. I can’t believe I’m here, on earth. I can’t believe I’ve been given the power and ability to create life. The greatest gift of all existence, the power to create life, and it’s been entrusted to me. I can’t believe I have three daughters. I can’t believe I have a wife that is so special and such a great mother. I can’t believe I’ll get to be with them forever, for the rest of this life, and beyond. I can’t believe Wren was born into a covenant, ensuring that as long as I do my part she will be mine forever. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I often think about what I did to deserve all this. And I can’t for the life of me figure it out.

    But I’m anxious to say thank you one day.

    So, welcome to this life Wren. It’s hard but rewarding. It’s scary, but if you know why you’re here, there is peace. It is overwhelming, but you’ve been given a family to help with that.

    I love you baby girl and look so forward to seeing how your personality shapes and develops to add to our family. Thank you for coming to join us. We love you so.

  • Ivy and Sage Thoughts

    Ivy and Sage Thoughts

    This would have been the fifth installment of “Ivy Thoughts” but instead we get our first “Ivy and Sage Thoughts”! Welcome to my world of two adorable daughters. Come on in.

    Let’s start with Sage since she’s new to the segment. She hasn’t started forming full sentences yet, but it’s time she became an official part of these posts.

    Sage loves the Bluey song. For those who aren’t familiar, you can click HERE.

    In the song where it yells “Mom,” “Dad,” “Bingo,” and “Bluey” Sage yells “Dad!” every time. If she hears that song she stops, stares, and yells “Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!” I enjoy her rendition of the theme song.

    Sage is off the charts shy, including around family she doesn’t get to see that often. It’s really interesting because this “shyness,” for lack of a better term, has been a part of Sage since she was a baby. When she was a baby she would sometimes start screaming and crying if someone looked at her. That has continued into her toddler-hood.

    Sage doesn’t like extra attention on her, besides from Beth and I. There was a moment where this became clear. We were doing Sage’s first birthday party at her grandparents. There were great grandparents, aunts, uncles and family there. We put a cake and candles in front of Sage. We sang happy birthday to her. What would normally be a dream come true, a whole cake in front of her, turned quickly to a nightmare when we finished singing and she looked around at all this mass amount of love and attention on her. Sage burst into tears. The collective attention and singing was too much for her to take.

    We’ve seen my family four weekends in the last 6 weeks. Every time we see my family Sage needs at least 24 hours to warm up. She will not go near anyone, gets upset if she gets picked up (or even looked at), and is excessively shy. She will cling to Beth or myself, often laying her head on our shoulder or snuggling her face into our arm to avoid anyone looking at her.

    What’s interesting about this is Sage is the outgoing one between her and Ivy. Sage is wild and crazy and outgoing when comfortable. But if there are strangers around, she gets quiet and closes in on herself. I think I’m like this. It’s interesting how our characteristics are passed onto our children and how some things are just built into us, even as babies. Sage is shy and reserved the same way I was always shy and reserved growing up.

    This past weekend when we were with my family it was fascinating watching Sage’s transformations. At one point Sage was sitting on my lap outside. My mom was in a chair across from us. Sage was snuggling next to me and being her normal (for this weekend) shy, quiet, timid self with my mom nearby. My mom got up to walk inside. The second she was gone Sage stood up and started laughing and screaming and playing. It was an instant transformation. She loves my family once she warms up. Once she warms up she’s crazy and laughing and playing, but until then she is terrified of any outside attention coming her way.

    Sage has inherited plenty of nicknames already. Some of her nicknames include Sagey Sunshine, Sagerific, Rif, Rific, Sage Laura, Roo, and Smudge. That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. That’s to say nothing of the dozens and dozens of nicknames Ivy has given her.

    One last special Sage moment that I think exemplifies strong second child. I dropped Ivy and Sage off at school recently. This was out of the ordinary as Beth usually takes them to school and Ivy was letting it be known this was not in routine. She was crying, saying she was sick, and making a big hubub. While Ivy was melting down I set all our stuff down – snacks for the school for the day, draw bags of washed sheets, lunch boxes, and waters. The teacher patiently gathered all our stuff while I consoled Ivy. Sage meanwhile had walked in through the first gate and was waiting to be let in to go play. The teacher was holding Ivy’s lunch box and looking around. “Where is Sage’s lunchbox?” She asked looking all over the place. I looked around too. It was just there. Sage walked back from the second gate and pointed on the shelf where she had set her lunchbox. She then turned around with a complete, “See the people I have to deal with?” look on her face as she waited to be let in to school to start playing.

    Now onto some classic Ivy thoughts.

    After getting home late from grandparents’ home one night, I asked Ivy for a hug and a kiss. She gave me a big hug then she got her face really close to mine and said, “sticker time,” patted her chest and said, “Ivy tired” and got into bed. Still not sure what sticker time meant or was referring to.

    Ivy flushed a toy down the toilet. I told her if she did that again the toilet would break and we’d need to go to the store when we needed to go to the bathroom. She seemed perplexed about this and continued to ask questions. I emphasized that flushing things down the toilet could break the toilet. “I break the house?” She asked. Seizing the opportunity to potentially get her to understand the severity of flushing something down the toilet I replied, “Yes, flushing toys down the toilet could break the whole house.” This had a big impact. She proceeded to tell Beth that she was worried she was going to break the house.

    The next day we were at church. Beth took Ivy to the bathroom. Ivy looked up at Beth and said, “If I flush a toy down the toilet, I break the church?” Beth told me later, that time I caught Ivy flushing a toy down the toilet was the second straight day Ivy had flushed something down the toilet at home. Beth hadn’t told me because she didn’t want me to freak out. Well, now Ivy is convinced our house is going to collapse into a pile of rubble if she flushes anything besides toilet paper down the toilet. She hasn’t put anything in the toilet since. Parenting win.

    Ivy really doesn’t like crane flies. They freak her out. We explained to Ivy that crane flies aren’t bad. They’re actually pretty good because they don’t bother people, but they eat the little bugs that annoy us. Ivy said, “They kill little bugs?” “Yes,” we replied. “They don’t kill people?” That made us laugh. “No,” we explained, “they don’t even hurt people.” Ivy said, “I’m glad they don’t kill people.”

    There’s a toy I grew up with called Playmobil. They’re little figures that I played with nonstop. I still love Playmobil. Ivy has the same love of them and they are all she plays with when we visit Grandma and Grandpa Q’s house in Las Vegas. Ivy has the same love of order that I do and can spend hours lining them up in orderly groups.

    These little figures have plastic hair pieces that click into their heads. When a Playmobil figure is missing its hair its head becomes bowl-like. The top of their head basically becomes a hole. Ivy saw a Playmobil figure without its hair once and exclaimed, “Oh no! He has a hole in his head. Let me see the hole in your head.” I showed Ivy the spot in the back of my head where hair still doesn’t completely grow. “Awww,” she said sympathetically.

    Before one more heartwarming story, I’ll share a full on threenager moment. This morning Ivy got out of bed and came out of her room. I was just about to walk out the door. Ivy does the cutest thing right now. She walks out and says, “Good morning, Dad, Cory is here” (new alias, Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World).

    I said, “Good morning, Cory, come give me a hug before I leave for work.”

    She walked over and said, “A hug and a big smooch.”

    She hugged and kissed my leg. I put my arm around her and patted her head. She started to walk away then came back and did it again. I again patted her head. She started to walk away then came back again. Same process. I started to think she was broken when on the fourth return walk she said, with feirce anger in her eyes, “No, no, no, Dad, don’t touch my head.” So I didn’t touch her head this time and she hugged my leg, gave it a kiss, and walked away. Then she turned around and looked at me and said, “When you touch my head my hair gets so so so crazy! Don’t pat my head, Dad!” She was holding back tears as she walked to our room to say good morning to Beth. As she walked into our room she slammed our door. The teenage years are going to be great, I can feel it.

    But to balance that, let’s end with a heartwarming Ivy moment. Ivy recently hugged me one night and looked up at me and said, “You’re the best, Dad.”

    I love being a dad.