Sage has gotten much better at sleeping at night, thank goodness. That first month was rough. One night when Sage was a month old, I made live update notes to track her sleeping and try to understand why she was having such a hard time. Here are those notes, exactly as I typed them in my phone. These were typed in a sleepless blur throughout the night. Last Night I let the Party get the best of me (round two).
10/4 – 10/5 with Sage:
Fussy all night.
Between 11:30pm and 1:30am – gave her gas drops and she fell asleep on my arms maybe midnight? Transfer her to dock (her bed) and try to hold in pacifier. Continues to cry.
1:30am appears to be in pain. Has gas.
1:32am patting her back upright seems to provide a little relief. Not much. She’s still crying.
1:34am can feel her farting every couple minutes. Definitely tummy trouble.
1:36am starts to use the restroom and seems to have relief for a moment then cries much harder. This all upright on my chest.
1:37am she randomly seems to fall asleep on my chest with no patting or anything for ~45 seconds then starts crying again.
1:40am Again seemingly randomly falls asleep. Gently rocking on chest, very subtle. She seems to be asleep on chest. Right arm under her bum. She’s laying on her left cheek. Her right arm up by face.
When did she eat tonight? What happened between 11:30pm and 1:30am?
1:44am she starts to cough. Was afraid she was going to wake up. She stayed asleep.
1:45am want to try to sleep but afraid any movement will wake her. Sitting upright with head against the wall Sage at ~45 degree angle. She just did a shudder breath but still asleep.
1:46am she seems ok, still sleeping. Starts clutching at my chest. Her breathing becomes audible. Sounds like she’s trying to pull in air for a couple breaths.
1:49am she starts to tense up. Sounds like she is having a hard time breathing. She starts squirming a little. She’s still kind of asleep.
1:51am nothing has changed but she’s in pain? Squirming and moving and starts crying.
1:52am sit more upright. She is squirming and crying. Beth sits up and says she thinks she’s going to throw up. Sage crying. Rocking doesn’t help.
1:53am Sage falls asleep to gentle rocking.
1:54am Sage asleep. Stop rocking. Beth in bathroom. Might have a stomach bug or something. Maybe going to throw up due to the Sage crying and lack of sleep etc.
1:55am Sage falls asleep. Beth didn’t throw up.
Sage ate at 11:39pm until 12:23am. I guess I was asleep at that time. I’ve been up ever since.
1:57am Beth says Sage has been eating a lot more the last two days. An extra hour or more feeding in 24 hour period. Not this night but the night before we started the reflux medication. Tonight and the night before have been the worst nights. She also got her shot 10/3. So after shot and starting reflux medicine, I don’t think Sage has slept much at all either night.
2:00am she’s still sleeping. Same position as last time she slept. Can hear her breathing. Quiet sound.
2:01am Beth asleep. Seems ok.
2:02am Sage shudder breathes. Stays asleep. Breathing gets louder.
2:03am what’s the temperature in Ivy’s room? It’s very cold in here. My arm outside the covers freezing. Sage getting cold?
2:08am big shudder breath. Breathing more audible. Still sleeping.
2:10am fix duplicate note. Can’t really sleep. Too awake. Read scripture. Alma chapter 8.
2:17am Alma 8:6 how did Joseph Smith know Maya place names ended in “ha”/”hah”?
2:18am Sage still sleeping.
2:20am reading in preach my gospel about eternal marriage. Someone in conference talk I listened to today, maybe yesterday (what are days?). It was Holland’s Sunday morning talk. He talked about the story of King David and how he wouldn’t take the wood and animal to make an offering to God that was free. He wanted to pay for the wood and animal. He essentially said he wouldn’t offer something to God that didn’t cost him anything. That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it?. Is anything worth having worth having if it doesn’t involve some sacrifice?
2:24am Sage is stirring a bit. Still sleeping. Right arm getting tired holding her.
2:26am I was looking at old notes earlier from when Ivy didn’t sleep. This all seems vaguely familiar. Like a fever dream. Notes seem to indicate Ivy was much later. Like 6-8 months old which is of course right. It was after that we started her sleep training and she’s slept like a champ ever since. Our struggle with Ivy in the first two months was getting her NOT to sleep. The girl wouldn’t open her eyes to eat. We’d take her outside in a diaper in the cold to try to get her to open her eyes. Different kinds of stresses. I’m now remembering that was after my accident too. So my arm was all messed up and gauze wrapped. Oozing puss and blood all day. I have a memory of taking Ivy outside in the cold, me shirtless, arm wrapped, head wrapped in a bandage, Ivy in only a diaper, holding her up to the moon like a sacrifice. And that girl just slept through it. Lol it was crazy. Funny to look back on now. I’m sure we’ll laugh back on this with Sage too. “First 4 weeks of that girl’s life she’d pretty much only sleep on dad’s chest <3”. You gotta look at it that way and remind yourself of those things. Because, though this seems miserable, and my back and neck hurt, and tomorrow’s/today’s going to be rough, one day I’ll miss these nights. How sad is that? One day I’ll so desperately want Sage and Ivy’s attention that I’ll miss sitting up all night with them on my chest, or taking them naked out in the cold at midnight. Makes me want to cry. But I won’t cry because that would wake Sage.
2:35am she breathed crazy and stirred for a moment but is still sleeping.
2:36am back to preach my gospel. I wonder if I posted to my blog the post about the need for God yet? That might be coming out this Thursday. This is the perfect example of that. This night is hard. But I desperately need God’s help through it so I’m coming closer to him. And this is giving me the opportunity to ponder how precious this life on my chest is. Sometimes you get swept away in how difficult it is. It’s nice to pause and remember what a gift she is.
2:39am I pulled my right hand out from under Sage so I can type with two hands. She’s pretty securely stuck to me, like Velcro. She’s still sleeping. Now only my neck and back hurt.
2:43am you should go read the family a proclamation. It’s pretty good. “Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers-will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” “Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”
2:45am Sage kicks a lot in her sleep. Beth used to talk about this.
2:48am isn’t it crazy to think about our divine destiny? Where we’ll be one day? “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”
2:49am I haven’t read my patriarchal blessing in a while and have been wanting to. Now seems as good a time as any.
2:51am I got it 6 years ago. Time flies. The church website makes it really easy to get to. “He presented His Plan of Happiness through His Son and you accepted it with all its rigors and challenges.” That part is good to remember as Sage starts to stir.
2:53am Sage still asleep. Adding Sage and Ivy to my auto-fill to capitalize their names automatically on my phone.
2:56am I’m glad Beth is sleeping, and she’s not sick. That would have sucked if she was sick.
2:59am “You know that the path of God will lead to eternal happiness, and He invites every soul to return to His presence.”
3:04am I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten through my patriarchal blessing without tears.
6:03am Sage is awake. Put her in dock.
7:00am I’m up
I love you Sagey.
No Coincidences 