No Coincidences

Tag: love

Parenting and Consequences of Choices

Sunday morning we were supposed to sleep in. We were going to church at a later time to join Beth’s family since her sister Eve was in town. Any parent knows how it goes when you’re hoping to sleep in. It’s like the kids have a sixth sense for your hope and immediately squash it. Sage woke up at 6:30 and Ivy was up at 6:45. This, for the record, is much earlier than even Sage, who isn’t a great sleeper, usually wakes up.

Beth brought the girls out to the couch. I was tired and groggy.

In true teamwork fashion, Beth and I decided to split up. I went back to sleep for an hour while Beth hung out with the girls. My hour felt like 5 minutes and I was back with Ivy and Sage while Beth got her additional rest before the day got into full swing.

I took Ivy and Sage into Ivy’s room.

Long story short – Sage was ready for a nap and unhappy about everything and anything. Ivy, the newly potty-trained, walked over to her bed, laid down, and had an accident in her bed. I learned that when I went to lay Sage in Ivy’s bed to rest and saw it was wet. I tried to feed Ivy a banana while Sage screamed and I cleaned up wet sheets and blankets. Ivy took the piece of banana I’d given her and threw it across the room. I tried to stay calm and asked her not to throw food. As I continued to clear off pee-covered sheets and blankets, Ivy walked to where I’d left my breakfast – the rest of the banana and a peeled orange – and proceeded to throw it all over the room.

That’s when I lost my patience.

Voices were raised. Toddlers were told to stand in the corner. Stern words were spoken. Sage was still screaming.

I lost my temper.

It was then, standing with Sage in my arms screaming, Ivy naked from the pajama shirt down, crying in the corner, that I started to take deep breaths.

It was then that I started trying to assess why my temper was so short.

“I’m usually better than this,” I thought to myself. “What’s going on? Well, I’m tired, obviously.”

Wait, why was I tired? (Well, besides always being tired).

Flashback to the previous night. Beth had taken Sage in to sleep, and I stayed on the couch. I thought about reading but then came across a movie on TV that I hadn’t watched in a long time. It was Super Bad. I have long cut rated R movies out of my life. But this was made for TV. All the curse words had been cut out. That didn’t make the movie a productive use of time to watch. I ended up staying up way too late watching this stupid movie.

I remembered all this as I stood with a screaming baby and a crying toddler, after I’d just yelled and not handled Ivy’s outbursts and energy nearly as well as I would have liked.

I realized I had no excuse for my behavior. Why was I tired, grumpy, and now losing my temper? Because I’d stayed up later than I should have. There are all the excuses – I deserve some time for myself, I deserve to be able to relax, I haven’t stayed up late for myself in so long, on and on. Was it the worst thing in the world for me to stay up late and watch a movie for myself? No. Was it the worst thing in the world, the next day, to yell at my daughter because I was now grumpy? No, but it felt like it.

My choices had consequences.

There was no excuse for how I had lost my temper with my girls.

I kneeled down by Ivy in the corner. My extended rocking of Sage had calmed her so she was quiet for a moment. I spoke to Ivy calmly and slowly, “Ivy, I just got very frustrated. I’m sorry. I should not have yelled. Will you forgive me?”

Smile.

“Yes, Daddy.”

I continued to tell Ivy that I get frustrated when she doesn’t listen and throws food. I told her I love her so much. I asked her to please help me the best she could and I’d try to be better too.

I sat with Sage on the floor and rocked her to sleep. Ivy, seemingly a completely different child, sat at her table. She got her laptop (a little pink toy), and a stack of books. It was calm. I realized I hadn’t meditated yet, something I usually do first thing in the morning. I asked Ivy if it was OK if I closed my eyes, meditated, and took some deep breaths.

“Yes, Daddy.”

I set a timer, closed my eyes, prayed, and breathed for 10 minutes. When I opened my eyes, Ivy was quietly reading books at her table.

I am off the charts blessed with my two girls. I love them so much. They’re amazing. Ivy is such a good kid. She is strong, patient, kind, gentle (most of the time), and smart. Sage is in a bit of a difficult stage. You can tell she wants to crawl and move and do so much. But she is so happy, smiley, and bouncy. My two girls are amazing.

I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for how they teach me to grow and be better. I’m grateful for their patience with me. That moment when Ivy said she forgave me, man… what a feeling of love. Not just my love for her, which is endless, but also her love for me, which is clearly unconditional.

This was another parent and life lesson. My choices have consequences. I can do dumb stuff like stay up late and watch a movie. But I CAN’T take it out on my girls in the morning because I didn’t get enough sleep and now I’m grumpy.

It’s OK not to get enough sleep. It’s OK to be grumpy. It’s even OK to lose my temper sometimes. It’s OK for me to struggle. But it’s not OK to not give them my absolute best. It’s not OK to make excuses why it’s OK for me to lose my temper and yell at them. That’s not OK. Every action has consequences. It’s not their fault that I stayed up late.

I love them so much.

This parenting thing is hard, rewarding, growth-inspiring. I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for every moment. The good and the bad. I love it. I love them. I love my family.

May 25, 2023
The Haunting of Hill House and Eternity

The Haunting on Hill House is one of the best shows I’ve seen. It’s been out for a while so you’re being forewarned, there will be spoilers. It’s worth watching. Keep in mind there will be some language and mature content. It is still on Netflix. If you haven’t watched, go binge 10 episodes and come back.

In the show, Hill House is evil. It drives those within it to madness. It entraps them and makes them make awful choices. Those who stay too long go crazy and lose themselves to the house. Multiple deaths have occurred in the house and those who die there stay there forever.

The show makes it clear the house is evil. The last episode begins with a quote:

“Certainly, there are places which attach to themselves an atmosphere of holiness and goodness. It might also be said that some houses are born bad.”

It continues:

“This house, which seemed somehow to have formed itself flying together in its own powerful pattern under the hands of its builders reared its great head back against the sky without concession to humanity. It was a house without kindness. Never meant to be lived in. Not a fit place for people, or for love, or for hope.”

Sounds evil right?

Well…

That’s why the title of this post is a “conflicted message.” The above quotes don’t fit with the ending of the show. Call it Hollywood happy endings if you must. I had a different perspective. I thought of the ending in terms of what I know about heaven, and eternity.

The climax of the final episode comes when one of the characters learns the true nature of the home. He learns his father always knew the nature of the home and protected his children from it. We, the viewers, learn alongside this character what has been happening all along.

The show is based around a family who moved into the house. The mother is lost to the home and commits suicide. Before committing suicide, she brings a young girl, the daughter of the groundskeepers, with her. Extremely dark.

The father whose wife committed this act tells the parents of the young girl that he plans to burn the house to the ground, burn the hill, and salt the earth. They beg him not to do it. Their daughter is now a part of this home. She appears as a living, breathing child, though she is none of those things. Her soul belongs to the house.

The father agrees to keep the groundskeeping family on to protect the home and spend the rest of their lives with their now perpetually 9-year-old daughter. The father/owner of the home leaves the home, and his dead wife, and takes his kids away. He wants to protect them from the home and let them experience life.

We learn at the end that the father would occasionally visit the home to be with his wife. His wife experiences life as some sort of dream. She doesn’t know how much time has passed. She doesn’t fully comprehend her situation. Part of her mind appears to have been lost.

Back to the climax of the show. Many years after the initial tragedy of losing his wife to the house, we see the father come back one last time. He ends his life there so he can spend the rest of time with his wife who he loves. The ultimate emotional moment of the show comes when the groundskeeper carries in his dying wife, and with tears he sees her with his daughter and a baby. I assume it is a baby that died in the home long ago. What the old groundskeeper is seeing is heaven. He is seeing the opportunity to be with his wife, daughter, and baby forever.

There are two ways to look at this. Either Hill House is evil and what they are seeing is a counterfeit of heaven. Those who die there will spend some amount of time there, whether it be 100 or 500 or 10,000 years, but they won’t spend eternity there together.

Or.

The other option is this is heaven. The family will spend the rest of time and eternity there together. I’ll take the happy ending.

What I know of heaven is that it will be where families are together forever. Families are meant to be together. Families are meant to be eternal. While many believe the family unit is just an earthly device, I cry foul! God gave us this powerful, important, sustaining, empowering, frustrating, growth promoting unit only to see it demolished after our test here? Doesn’t make sense.

Families are forever. Families are eternal. It’s the great truth of the gospel. It’s a great comfort to me, as I sit here and look at my daughters. Heaven can’t be heaven unless I’m with them forever.

There were some good themes in this show that made me think. There’s a whole other spiritual implication from this show that analogizes leaving the Garden of Eden. It was a deep show if you let it be. But the greatest message was at the end – about family, about how important family is, that there is nothing more important than being with your family.

That is what God has given us: eternal families. What a blessing that is.

“Love is the relinquishment of logic. The willing relinquishing of reasonable patterns. We yield to it, or we fight it. But we cannot meet it halfway.”

May 18, 2023
Unity, Peace, and Love

I recently watched a video depicting the famous rameumptom of Alma chapter 31. I’ve written about the rameumptom before.

The rameumptom was a tower built by the Zoramites for their prayers. They would stand atop this small tower and pray. Their prayers consisted of proclamations of how they were better than their brethren, and they thanked God for making them so much better than others.

In this video depiction, it showed a fancily dressed person strutting to the rameumptom, pushing aside someone on his way, cutting a line, and walking to the top while someone was already there. That person, apparently properly interpreting the danger of standing up to this man, quickly left his prayer so this man could yell with pride, “Holy, holy God, we believe that thou art God and we believe that thou art holy.”

That video can be watched here if you’re interested.

What I thought about as I watched this video is how strange the behavior would be for a follower of God to strut and push someone out of their way to offer a public prayer of pride. It was the spiritual God-follower pushing someone rudely out of the way that stood out to me.

President Nelson, Elder Soares, and Elder Christofferson recently all talked to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints about being kinder, more charitable, and avoiding contention in one session of General Conference. The impact of three of the highest-ranking members of our Church and apostles and prophets of the Lord all speaking on essentially the same topic in a 2-hour span was quite jarring.

The three talks were:

President Nelson – Peacemakers Needed

Elder Soares – Followers of the Prince of Peace

Elder Christofferson – One in Christ

As I watched this video of the corrupt Zoramites, I worried about this message from our leaders. I personally have been witness to so much contention and unkindness in social media in “LDS” or “doctrine” or supposed “Christ-centered groups” where combativeness sometimes seems more important than kindness and love. This has led me to lessen my usage of social media, despite loving the doctrinal topics sometimes explored, due to the hateful nature that the topics are explored in.

I worry about members of the Church of Jesus Christ that take being right more seriously than being loving.

How many members of our religion and all religions strut around with our beliefs and act like we’re better than those around us? We must not be the Zoramites. This, I believe, is what President Nelson, Elder Soares, and Elder Christofferson are trying to tell us. Followers of Jesus Christ should be loving first, second, and last. Followers of Jesus Christ should be distinguished by their kindness.

This behavior of someone knocking someone out of the way to go pray looks so similar to someone debating the merits of Christ’s gospel by putting down and insulting others. I hope we all avoid this behavior. As representatives of Jesus Christ, it’s important we remember the two great commandments: love and love.

April 20, 2023
Why do we Love our Children?

I recently heard a quote so good I want to quote it in full:

“Think about this. When a little baby is born, that baby cries at inopportune times, makes a lot of noise. It soils its diapers; it demands to be fed when it wants to be fed. It costs you a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of lost sleep. So why do we keep putting up with these little creatures? It’s because there’s this deep, underlying feeling of love for these children of ours. We love them so much that we don’t look at what it’s costing us. We keep infusing life and we keep teaching, and we keep forgiving, and we keep working with, and we keep nurturing and feeding and helping them to grow to become who they need to become and who they have the capacity to become.”

I think that’s an awesome quote. Well said.

I’ve been thinking about this more lately. With a toddler that is so full of joy and happiness, and also, sometimes, not. And a 7-month-old that still isn’t sleeping great. And with plates thrown and irrational frustrations (by the toddler), and crying and no sleep and…

Ivy “loving” Sage

*Sigh

The energy it takes. The life force being sucked out of me.

And.

Would I go back if I could?

Not in a kagillion-billion-zillion-babillion years. I love them so much. It’s all worth it.

Is it hard? Heck yeah. It’s so hard. Do I feel like I’m dying a slow death sometimes? Uh, yeah, I do.

And then, Ivy smiles and says, “Dada. I love you.” And Sage sees me and inexplicably giggles. And suddenly, all that sucked out life force flows into my body from my head to my toes in a rush of energy and exhilaration and LOVE. It’s like nothing else in this world: looking at my two daughters. The love.

As a parent, speaking for myself, there’s a point where you become numb to the sacrifice and all you give up for your children. There was a time when having to get up once in the middle of the night to check on anything would ruin my entire night of sleep. At this moment, the average night has at least 3 middle-of-the-night wake ups. Zero wake ups in the night is a miracle.

Early on with Ivy, I really struggled with this. I started to wonder how I could survive without getting sleep. And now we’re starting over with Sage who doesn’t sleep nearly as well as Ivy did. I’m probably getting hours less sleep per week than I ever have. And yet I feel alive and invigorated. Somehow, I’m surviving. I think it’s that infusion of love I get from seeing them happy, healthy, and growing each day.

Ivy the morning after waking me up three times in the middle of the night. She didn’t go to sleep with the crown.

The time, the noise, the diapers, the feeding, the money, the energy, the sleep put into these “little creatures.” And yet, do I regret it? A resounding NO! I want more. I love them so much, it hurts. Sometimes it physically hurts how much I love them. That quote above came from a video of a guy discussing the Lectures on Faith. I’ll link it HERE.

He was talking about the attributes of God. That wasn’t where the quote ended.

“If we as mortal parents can figure that out (the love for our children), how much more do perfect, eternal parents have that figured out? God is a God motivated by love. It’s not just this outward thing, it’s part of the divine characteristic. God is love. Without that, you and I can’t have full faith in God unto life and salvation.”

We’re here to learn to love like God. God, Christ, and the Holy Ghost love so perfectly that they have become one in mission, intent, and purpose. That is the love I feel for my family. I would give anything for them. My wants and needs have taken three back seats. Beth, Ivy, and Sage’s needs are so much more important than mine. The “world” will try to say this is unhealthy, that I need to “put myself first” or “take care of myself.” Of course, I don’t completely disregard my health and care, but that idea that I come first is extremely wrong. I don’t come first. I know that. And not coming first is what gives me strength each day. That infusion of love that comes from my family makes every sacrifice the sweetest sacrifice there is.

If I feel this way, as a mortal man who knows how to give good gifts, how much more perfectly does God love me? How much more is He willing and able to give me because He loves me? I know God loves me. I am eternally grateful for His love. Now, He is teaching me how to love.

April 13, 2023
Little Red Mark

I have a white church shirt with a little red permanent mark on the left cuff.

A few years ago, in the Young Single Adult (YSA) Ward of my church, there was a young girl that started coming every so often. She had a family ward she more often went to, but every once in a while, would visit the YSA. She had a young son. He was a toddler, probably two years old.

I was drawn to this girl. I could imagine how difficult it was for her to bring her young son with her to the YSA ward, a place full of single people with entirely different life situations. I could imagine how she felt judged and out of place. I could relate to how she felt. I’d been her a short year or two before.

At the time, I was the Sunday School President. That meant that once a month myself and my counselors led a teacher’s council with all the teachers in our ward to discuss how we could be better teachers, and how we could teach in the Savior’s way.

Whenever this young girl came to our ward, I would try to get her to stay for second hour and go to Sunday School. That was my job as Sunday School President, after all. More than that, it was my job as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

One Sunday I was inviting this girl to go to one of our Sunday School classes. The difference this week was I wouldn’t be going with her. I had my Teacher’s Council. I could tell that she was going to leave if I wasn’t going to attend the class with her. She was clearly worried about how her young child might be a distraction in class. So, I invited her to my teacher’s council. It took some explaining, letting her know it was open to anyone and she was completely welcome. She came to our council that day.

I don’t remember anything we taught. I don’t remember an enlightening teaching moment or momentous thing learned on how to be a more Christ-like teacher, though I’m sure some of that occurred. I don’t remember it.

What I do remember is spending time with that girl’s young son. My counselors were leading most of the discussion so I could spend time with him at the white board with markers, letting him play and keeping him occupied. When I did need to get up front and talk for a bit, I brought him with me. I look back at this moment fondly as a parent now with two daughters I’m constantly bringing to the front with me.

I didn’t care if he was a distraction to the class. Some things are more important.

That’s the point, right?

At one point while watching him, he accidentally marked my white shirt with a red marker. I’ve thought about throwing that shirt out. It’s not a huge or extremely noticeable mark, but it’s there, and it is noticeable. I’ve kept that shirt. I wear it often. I use it as a reminder that some things are more important than a marked shirt.

I sometimes wonder if someone might see that mark on my shirt and think, “how tacky, throw that shirt out, it has a red mark on it.” Then I think about that young boy, his mother, and what’s more important, and decide it’s worth wearing that marked shirt.

Reminder to everyone that we all have little red marks on our shirts. Sometimes they’re self-inflicted and sometimes they’re not. It doesn’t matter. The point is to not judge and to love without bounds.

I recently got to see a young man that young girl was dating enter the waters of baptism. I hadn’t seen her little son in a few years. It’s crazy how quickly a two-year-old becomes an active, thinking, 5-year-old. I said hi to the now five-year-old boy. He, of course, didn’t remember me. But I showed him that mark on my shirt. It’s probably my imagination, but I saw recognition in those eyes. Like, whether or not he actually remembered making that mark (probably not), somehow, he recognized the significance. I felt like his eyes said, “I made that mark, and you kept it?” I told him I kept the shirt to remember him. He smiled.

That young girl watched a man she had been dating get baptized. They were civilly married and as soon as they were able to, got sealed in God’s temple. They will be sealed in a temple for time and all eternity. That young boy will be sealed to them. Forever. That’s what it’s really all about, right?

March 30, 2023