No Coincidences

Tag: marriage

  • One Eternal Round

    One Eternal Round

    I started making some bad decisions in high school. These decisions nearly derailed my life.

    During that time I was becoming friendly with a girl. She knew about some of my bad decision-making.

    One night when we were hanging out I told her I would never get married anywhere but a temple. This interested her. Why, she wondered, would someone like me, who seemingly cared nothing for this religion that I was raised with, care about a temple marriage?

    I explained to her that I believed my church was true. If my church was true, then it held the authority to marry couples for eternity. That church, therefore, sealed families for eternity. I told her if I married someone I didn’t want it to end after we died. If I were to ever get married, I wanted it to be for eternity.

    When I was in college my decision making had gotten increasingly worse.

    On a night I don’t remember, it was later told to me that I bore my testimony to a girl at a party. I don’t remember any of this. Apparently, religion came up and I told her I knew the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was Jesus Christ’s church on the earth.

    This girl asked the obvious question, “If you know it’s true, why are you doing the things you’re doing?”

    I’m told I said that even though I wasn’t living the standards of the church, I couldn’t deny what I knew to be true.

    That testimony that I don’t remember had a big impact on that girl.

    Years later that first girl from high school sent me a postcard. That girl from high school had gotten baptized. Her postcard was one of a few critical moments that helped me come back to church and changed my life.

    A month after that postcard, in the midst of my difficult journey back to church, I stumbled upon a Facebook message that had gotten blocked and I’d never seen. It was from years prior. It was from the girl at the college party, the girl I bore a drunken testimony to.

    She told me she’d gotten baptized. She told me she had never let me know how big an impact that testimony had on her ultimately getting baptized. I visited her and her budding family. She was sealed in the temple. She had an eternal family. She was happy. It gave me strength to continue on the path of repentance that was so, so hard.

    The girl from high school got married in the temple and now has three kids. She has an eternal family. She is happy.

    A patriarchal blessing is extremely sacred. I share a short line from my blessing with the utmost reverence:

    “Trouble not yourself over lost days, for you are an eternal being”

    I can’t tell you how comforting those words were when I was trying to find strength to stay faithful, and how important those words continue to be to me.

    It is all one eternal round to God (D&C 3:2). He knew I would stumble. What did He do when I stumbled? Put two people in my path that I could somehow, inexplicably, impact at my lowest, during my most degraded behaviors.

    What did He do?

    He put those two people back in my path when they could help me back. He put two people back into my life to help me remember what I always knew, what I was getting dangerously close to forgetting. He put two people in my path to remind me who I was. I am nothing special of myself, but I am a son of God. That is special.

    I marvel at the workings of God. That He loves us so much that He gave us a world so we could leave our Heavenly home, just as children leave their homes here on earth to go out and learn, and grow, and fall. He gave us an earth to fall. But He allowed us a way back.

    I know there is a way back.

    I know that Jesus Christ allows that way back.

    I know that God planned for everything. We are His work and His glory.

    I can never deny what I know.

  • Why can’t Anyone go in an LDS Temple?

    Why can’t Anyone go in an LDS Temple?

    In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our temples are sacred. Many people know this by the fact that they aren’t allowed in. This can, understandably, cause some negative emotions. Nobody likes to be excluded from anything.

    I heard an anecdote that really stuck with me.

    A man was telling a story about when he was a missionary and held Q&A sessions with local churches in the Bible Belt south. One of these sessions, a nice little elderly woman asked a not so nice question, “Why is your church exclusionary and doesn’t let people into your temples?”

    The man explained that he immediately realized this woman wasn’t able to attend the sealing of someone she cared about, which created this understandable animosity. He asked the old woman and learned she wasn’t able to attend the temple sealing of a beloved granddaughter.

    A somewhat standard response to this question is that it is about worthiness, that you must be worthy to enter the temple. Many Biblical examples can be used to illustrate this point.

    As the man was about to respond this way, he felt an impression to not give this standard response. He realized talking about worthiness wouldn’t be right with this woman. This was a Bible loving, Christ loving, Bible belt evangelical Christian. Telling her she wasn’t worthy wouldn’t be fair.

    Personally, I would have explained covenants in this moment. That one needs to make sacred covenants to enter certain places. This man received an altogether different impression, and this is the part that struck me.

    He asked her, “Do you believe that the Book of Mormon is the word of God.”

    She replied, “No offense, but no.”

    He asked her, “Do you believe this is Christ’s true church on the face of the earth?”

    She replied, “No offense, no, I don’t believe that.”

    He asked her, “Do you believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet?”

    She replied, “No offense, no.”

    Each time he told her he didn’t blame her for not believing it. That if it weren’t for the witness of the spirit to him, he wouldn’t believe it himself. He then asked her, “Do you believe that ancient prophets came to earth to bestow the keys of the sealing power to bind on earth what is bound in heaven as Matthew details in chapter 16?”

    She replied, “That’s in Matthew 16? I never thought of that. But no, I don’t believe that.”

    The man told her that’s OK, but he does believe all those things. Then he transitioned somewhere I did not expect, the story of Jairus’s daughter being raised from the dead (Mark 5:22-43, Luke 8:40-56).

    The man asked her if she knew the story and of course this avid Bible studier knew it.

    He directed her attention to the moment when Christ arrived at the home. The girl was dead. Those there mourning mocked Christ when He said she was just sleeping.

    Then what did Christ do?

    He “put them all out.”

    Christ had to remove all the lack of faith from the room. Christ, the Master. He let Peter, James, and John stay. He let the mother and the father stay. They had faith. He removed all those that didn’t believe.

    The man explained that when he goes to a temple, it’s not a marriage ceremony. It’s not until death do us part. Just like when Christ brought that girl back from the dead, telling death that it had no power before Him, the same is happening in temples. The priesthood power of temple sealing is telling death, “You can’t have this couple. This couple is protected. This couple is sealed. Even in death, death can not split them up. They are one. They are united.” It’s as if Christ Himself is saying, “They are mine, and you cannot have them.”

    That is what happens in Christ’s temples. Couples are sealed.

    The man then explained that when he attends a temple sealing, his faith becomes part of it. He contributes his faith to that couple. His provides his belief that they will be sealed for eternity.

    He then explained, “You admitted you don’t believe these things. Would you mingle your lack of belief in a place of faith? Would you have Christ keep the nonbelievers in the room to see the miracle?”

    Now, this isn’t the only reason people who aren’t members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can’t enter temples. Worthiness is a part of it. As I already mentioned, covenants are a part of it.

    But I loved this part I’d never thought about, faith is also part of it.

    I am grateful that God provided a plan and His Son so that I can be sealed to my family for eternity. I love my family. I never want to leave them. Now I look at Ivy, Sage, Beth. I can’t fathom a life without them. They are everything. I thank God every day for the sealing power and the gift He has allowed me to be sealed to them for time and all eternity.

  • What is Love? And Fatty Steak Pieces

    What is Love? And Fatty Steak Pieces

    Short post.

    I was eating leftovers from a meal Beth made the other night. It was a steak, vegetables, and rice bowl. I was eating the leftovers and every piece of meat I was getting was half fat. I don’t like fatty meat. It’s one of the few foods I don’t like. I started picking out the fatty pieces of meat from my bowl and realized half of them were thus afflicted.

    The strange part was we’d just had this meal and I didn’t remember any fatty pieces.

    I asked Beth, “When you scooped up my bowl the other night, did you intentionally scoop up the non-fatty pieces?”

    She replied that she had.

    That is love.

    Love is choosing the non-fatty pieces of meat when scooping up your husband’s plate because you know they don’t like it.

  • Impactful Moments

    Impactful Moments

    In Gravity of God, I wrote about how God is the center of our universe and how His faith and His action holds it all together. I discussed how us being here is an opportunity for us to test how we will use our faith and actions to influence and impact people.

    Will we have a God-like influence of love, help, support, giving, charity, and selflessness to those around us? Or will we use our influence to be more in Satan’s camp of selfishness, hate, judgment, pride, and animosity?

    Our actions matter. We’re here to see how we’ll use the talents and gifts we’ve been given.

    Some moments carry more weight than others.

    I believe everyone we interact with in this life is meant to teach us something. Do you consider the interactions you have to be significant? Do you believe the things that happen to you have meaning? How about the things you do to others?

    I believe when someone is unkind to me here for any reason – they’re here to teach me something.

    I believe when someone does something I disagree with – they’re here to teach me something.

    I believe when someone is kind to me or a good example to me – they’re here to teach me something.

    All these moments matter, and some moments have lasting importance.

    There are so many mundane and average moments in a day. I’m talking about the, “How are you today?” “Good.” “Good.”

    Then there are conversations that change our worldviews, make us think, or expand our horizons. There are some conversations that make us think about eternity. There are some conversations that prepare us for eternity.

    I’ve been given so much in this life.

    I know where I come from, why I’m here, and where I’m going, while so many around me don’t have these answers. Part of the reason I think I’m here and why I’ve been given so much is so that I can share it with others. If everyone around me is asking the important question – why am I here? And I know the answer, and I’m not sharing it with them, then I’m the most selfish person there is.

    Why do you think I put the time and effort into writing this? One day I want to tell God I tried my best to share what He gave me.

    Anyways.

    There is one topic that can be brought up in any conversation and will immediately change the moment from mundane and borderline meaningless to extraordinarily impactful and important. That topic is God.

    I was at a bachelor party once. We went to Palm Springs for a long weekend. Got a house. Played a lot of pool and video games. The rest of the party played golf. I found ways to fill my time while they played golf.

    There were two conversations I had that weekend that were memorable and impactful.

    While playing pool one night, somehow religion got brought up. I’m sure I helped us into that direction one way or another. Me and another guy in the group who I didn’t know very well started talking about eternity, church, and the gospel.

    That conversation was years ago. And seemingly nothing came about from it. But I still remember what that guy said at one point. He said, “When God gets brough up, the conversation changes. It becomes real. Even if it’s slightly or fully contentious, it’s still good if God is in the conversation.”

    He was so right, and it’s the reason I’m writing this.

    He probably doesn’t consciously remember that conversation. But I believe his spirit does. I really believe we keep a record of all we hear, see, and learn here on earth. And one day he’ll see that moment again and I hope it was as impactful as it felt.

    The other conversation that happened was on the drive back. I was in the car with the groom to be and a friend.

    We were talking about the upcoming wedding and what that meant, the topic of marriage, fidelity, vows, our bodies, drinking, habits, and growth were discussed. I know those topics sound wide-ranging. It was a long drive.

    I came out of that conversation feeling like we’d talked about something so important.

    Every mundane conversation is exactly that, mundane, until God is brought up.

    Have more meaningful conversations.

  • Response to Depression

    Response to Depression

    On April 11, 2020 Beth posted a thoughtful and vulnerable post about depression. She really put herself out there talking about something that is sensitive for her. I was proud of her for writing it. It’s still one of the most read posts from my blog.

    It was the 10th post ever put on my blog. It was so early in my blog that I didn’t even put a cover image for it.

    I recently went back to read that post and decided, 4 years later, and after 5 years of marriage, that I would like to write my thoughts on her post and the topic of depression. This will be a difficult post to write because, even after these years, I’m still grappling with my understanding of depression – what it means, how it manifests, my role in it, along with all the other complexities that come with depression.

    I’m going to pull quotes from Beth’s post and give my thoughts.

    In her post, Beth said this:

    “Sometimes in frustration, I just want to sum it up as “if you know, you know” and call it good. But that is not enough. Individuals, family members, institutions, others with depression need to know.”

    I definitely need to know. Because I don’t understand it. And that’s hard for me.

    I am married to Beth. I’ve seen depression. I can kind of understand it. And yet, I don’t. I know I don’t. I don’t get it. And that’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to try to understand something that I don’t know where to begin understanding.

    With me… I may upset some people with depression here until you hear my explanation (or maybe even with my explanation) – depression is being sad and not wanting to get up or do anything. That’s my impression of it because I’ve experienced that. What I haven’t experienced is actually not being able to get out of bed. I don’t understand that. I don’t get it. That’s the reason I don’t understand depression. I just can’t relate to it. That doesn’t mean I don’t think it exists. It’s just something I have a hard time framing because it’s not in my personal experience. We have tons of examples of things we can’t understand because we haven’t seen or experienced them ourselves. I’ll dive into an example later on in this post. It’s hard to understand something you have zero personal frame of reference for.

    I must be clear here. I’m not saying I’m not empathetic or sympathetic to the challenge of physically not being able to get out of bed. I desperately hope I am sympathetic to it. I hope that I’ve showed my wife at least some of the support and understanding she needs through her challenges.

    What I’m saying is that I don’t understand it, I don’t get it.

    I hope if you’re experiencing depression and you’re in a close relationship with someone (parent, sibling, friend, significant other, etc.) who doesn’t understand it, that you can have patience with them as we have patience with you. Not understanding doesn’t always mean not caring or not believing it’s real or that it exists. It can sometimes mean really just not getting it, as much as we want to. I think sometimes it’s as hard for a non-depressed person to understand depression as it is for a person with depression to describe what it’s like to a non-depressed person. This is exactly what Beth is talking about in the above quote.

    Next quote I’d like to comment on from Beth’s post –

    “For me, it is not a weight laying heavily on me. I don’t feel like the people in the commercials that have a dark rain cloud following over their head wherever they go.”

    Beth is referring to what her depression is like to her. This struck me. It may seem silly, but as someone who hasn’t experienced “depression” (I don’t think) I kind of assumed it was all the same. Beth reminded me that just like anxiety and fear and all the other plethora of challenges we face in this life, no two people have the exact same experience. Depression for everyone must be unique to everyone. I’d venture to guess that one person with depression might have as much difficulty understanding another person’s version of depression as I have with understanding it at all.

    I think it’s important to remember that this challenge comes in many shapes and forms and to have patience with everyone and their unique circumstance.

    This is where I bring myself into it to try to understand and sympathize better.

    I struggle with anxiety. It’s not something I talk about a whole lot. I think I treat it like Beth treats depression: with a little bit of embarrassment and avoidance. But now I’m an adult. I’m no longer a scared and confused kid. I’m still sometimes scared and confused, but no longer a kid. I now realize that lots of people struggle with anxiety. It’s not something to be ashamed of.

    Beth and I have talked about depression and anxiety together. She talks about depression which, as I noted, I don’t understand. Then when I try to explain how anxiety manifests in me, I see the confusion descend upon her like the aforementioned cloud of depression. She can’t figure out what I’m talking about. She’ll say outright, “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Do I take offense to this? Of course not! She hasn’t experienced it. I return to my point earlier – people experiencing depression: don’t blame or get upset with others that don’t understand what you’re going through. Your depression is unique to you. Don’t mistake lack of understanding for lack of caring or believing.

    “Eventually, when you’re in the midst of a depressive episode, you begin to convince yourself that this is the new you. You will never be successful again. You will be a burden and failure for the rest of your life. I was very lucky to never feel like I wanted to end my life but, with feelings like that, it isn’t difficult for me to see how people get there.”

    When I read that, it breaks my heart. When I read that it helps me to remember that this is a real and difficult challenge despite my lack of understanding. I can’t comprehend the idea of taking my own life. I think this is similar to how I don’t comprehend depression. I hope anyone reading this that, like me, struggles with understanding the dynamics and impact of depression on someone’s life, can read that quote and realize how serious this is. In whatever ways depression can feel “unreal” – suicide is not. Suicide is very, very real. We must have sympathy, love, compassion, patience, and as much understanding as we can possibly have to help those in our lives that have depression-like feelings. It can save a life.

    “So why don’t you just get up? Go on a hike, play a game, talk to someone, you’ll feel better.”

    This is my way of thinking.

    “I ask, can you still support me and sympathize with me even if you can’t understand? While that seems like a fair compromise, I still think I can try to help others get a glimpse of my perspective. We can meet in the middle.”

    I reiterate my point made earlier. We can try to understand. Those with depression, we only ask that you try to understand that often we without depression really are trying to understand and sympathize. It’s hard to understand something you can’t comprehend. It’s the catch-22 of sympathy. We sympathize, but ultimately, we can’t understand. If we understood, we’d know. All we can do is our best. Have patience with us as we have patience with you.

    “Sometimes that means lowering expectations for a while. Sometimes that means just learning to listen instead of feeling like you must come up with the solution.”

    This is the part I struggle with the most. I’m the standard guy who wants to fix things. Just listening doesn’t seem productive. I’ve tried over the course of my marriage to be better at this part. Listening. Beth will have to comment on whether or not I have gotten better at this. I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.

    I also struggle with lowering expectations. I’m not sure how to best say this without sounding insensitive but deep down inside I feel like lowering expectations for someone isn’t the answer. I coach basketball and deciding I don’t expect much from my players doesn’t seem like a great answer. In Beth’s whole post, that’s probably the line I most struggled with.

    “While my depression has been well controlled for years now, it’s never truly gone. It can sneak in when I least expect it. I make sure to take my medication daily and be mindful of triggers and warning signs. I try to be vocal with my husband when I feel it creeping in.”

    I’ve been married to Beth for over 5 years now. In that time, I’ve seen the warning signs. I can see when something is coming. I can see when Beth is starting to not be herself. Usually she is short with me, impatient with the girls and I, little things seem to put her on edge, and then there are hours of sleep.

    I guess I have lowered my expectations in the moment. But my way of thinking is so much that aforementioned – “Get up and fight through it”… I can’t help but wonder if lowering expectations is the right thing. Is the best thing to do to let a person with depression lie in bed for hours and days at a time? I’m not sure it is. I’m not sure we’re supposed to lower expectations.

    That said, that’s what I’ve done. In those moments I’ve tried to let Beth know I love her and I’m there for her and I give her the time to “come back.” Usually this is only for a day or two. A day or two where Beth doesn’t leave her room and I take care of the girls, the house, and the responsibilities. If it were more than a day or two, with everything we have going on, I’m not sure I could make it happen.

    This is difficult. It’s made more difficult for my lack of understanding.

    I can usually tell when Beth hasn’t taken her medication. It’s a bit disarming to immediately see the results of this. It’s a palpable and obvious difference. With lack of understanding it’s hard for me to understand how this can so drastically shift behavior so quickly. And yet… when I’m tired, how quickly does my demeanor, patience levels, and personality change?

    I know so little about the body and how it functions. What do I know? I know nothing.

    Ultimately, I have to rely on something bigger for understanding. I’ll close this post in much a similar way to how Beth ended her post 4 years ago. My understanding of God, this life, and His plan makes these things more understandable. We’re here to be tested. We’re here to go through tests that we don’t understand, to test our faith. We’re here to grow. Every challenge in our life is an opportunity to grow. I believe Beth’s depression is an opportunity for her to learn about herself and to become something so much more. I believe her depression is also a part of my mortal experience. It’s meant to teach me something important.

    I hope I’m still learning something important. I hope I’m always patient and understanding and helpful. I hope Beth knows she can always trust me to be there to make up the difference. I also hope Beth knows she’s always good enough.

    The hardest part, I think, about being married to someone with depression is seeing someone smart, and strong, and brave, and kind, and patient, and talented – think she is not those things. There have been many times that I’ve had to remind Beth that just because she doesn’t feel like those things in a particular moment – she is still those things. She will always be those things. They are more innate to her personality and being than depression is.