No Coincidences

Tag: marriage

The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

This is my wife, Beth’s testimony exactly as written. Names have been changed.

In a future post I will give some of my thoughts about this, but for now, the power of her testimony should stand on its own, unencumbered by any comments I could hope to make.

Here it is.

The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

April 20, 2016

               I just read my patriarchal blessing for the second time since I got it. It confirmed promptings I’ve been having lately that I should do some journaling for myself and posterity so, even though it is past midnight I felt it better to do this than mindlessly fall asleep to some Netflix show. The past few years have had so much I don’t know how to fit everything I should write to remember. So, because of my failings as a journal writer, it will have to be a highlight reel of life. I just feel some changes that have occurred are too important to neglect to include.

               I am in my third year at ASU. I love it, I love learning, but my diagnosis with clinical depression in October 2015 has really been a roadblock in my ability to work hard. Luckily, after dropping out for a semester, I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’m not taking medication anymore but I’ve been hiking often and the feeling I get from pushing myself and being physically fit really serves as a great anti-depressant. So I’m back in school with just 9 credit hours, but hard classes. (1920’s senior thesis, history of college sports, and existentialism) I will probably graduate in about a year and do some sort of graduate school program. I previously had been dead set on going to law school. However, I’ve had to rethink my career path after being diagnosed with the depression episode. I don’t really trust myself to be able to go through law school. I always had 100% confidence in my academic capabilities. Now, I’ve taken a real hit to that confidence. My patriarchal blessing does mention that through my righteousness I will have many different career options. That has been comforting.

               Life has been full of changes the past year. I think the biggest one that I will write on is about the ending of my very serious relationship with John for 2 ½ years and my decision to come back to church. I dated him from senior year of high school all the way up to just short of my 21^st birthday. I really thought I loved him. He and I had plans to even get married one day. We were HS sweethearts and he was what I considered my first real love. I feel a real sense of anger at the situation but I also can’t help but think I will always love who he used to be and what we used to have.

Initially, since about sophomore year of high school, I was set on not being LDS. I didn’t have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I didn’t believe what the prophets spoke about. I wanted to live contrary to many of the commandments. I never cared to enter the temple. I was prepared to live that life with John too. We were definitely not living by LDS standards and that is exactly what I wanted. I was perfectly happy breaking the word of wisdom and living contrary to the law of chastity, among other things. Our relationship was never perfect. We fought often. He drank. I remember one day he drank so much he wound up in the hospital knocked out. For approximately 5 hours I sat there watching him, angry, upset, feeling betrayed, but wanting to show compassion. He cheated on me many times. I would often find messages on his phone texting other girls. He was perfectly fine with going out and getting drunk with other girls when I wasn’t around. Dramatic scenarios like these were often. I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. But I lost touch with who I used to be or who I could be. And when there were good times, I felt some amazing love. I just started to realize I had a better potential and I deserved better.

               The changes came slowly at first. I remember when Clark was on his mission, I had one night where I felt so very, extremely alone. Not just physically but much deeper than that. It was dark. I was overcome by hopelessness. It was a feeling I almost lack the ability to explain. I now think it was a result of separating myself so far from the spirit that the light from Christ dimmed. I was prideful. I hadn’t prayed in years. But I did. I prayed in that moment. Desperately. I pleaded with God, please take this feeling from me even though I know I don’t deserve it. Immediately, my fear dissipated and calm overwhelmed me. That was the first time I understood how real prayer was. I wish I could convey that feeling to others. It was painful, scary, optimistic, and inspiring all at once. That was a start.

               Any institute classes at ASU helped too. I didn’t mind studying the gospel from an intellectual standpoint so I liked going. I read scriptures. I discussed the gospel. I often was so eager to share what I learned with John. Sometimes he’d listen, other times he’d pretend to. It was awkward. I wanted to share what I found profound and he was resistant. But again, there were slow changes creeping in. I was realizing what the words of the gospel could mean. And he was realizing that he wanted nothing to do with it.

               The real changes began around the start of 2015. I had quit or was about to quit partaking in most of the big sins I had been living in for years. I had already quit drinking and I was ready to cut-off the intimate aspect of my relationship with John. I had an institute class on the Teachings of the Latter-Day Prophets at this time. For some scheduling reason, I missed that class often. To make up absences we had to write papers on general conference talks. (Which I had never listened to previously in my life) So I did it. And that was a blessing in disguise. Again, I took it as an intellectual opportunity, like listening to Gospel TED Talks. At first I learned a lot. But then I began to feel a lot. I studied the atonement. And the friendship and companionship of Christ. I studied talks on being genuine and being compassionate. I began to slowly feel a change of heart, a softening of a heart that had been proud for many years. And even though I thought I was happy before, I started to feel joy. Real joy. And I started to feel love for others. Real Christ-like love. And I started to understand my divine purpose. The real potential I could live up to. Then came the dreams that gave the final push.

               I’ve had vivid and detailed dreams for a few years now. Often they are silly. But often they are profound. Sometimes they even come true. I know that for many of us, the spirit speaks to us in dreams. For context, it is important to know I never wanted to get married in the temple before in my life and I never had been the kind of girl to dream excessively of my wedding day either. However, I had about four dreams where I was walking out of the temple in a white dress looking happier than I’d ever been lovingly holding the hand of a man. These dreams always ended right before I saw the face of the man I married. One night, I had the fifth identical dream but this time the man was John.

               In addition, I had another dream that my friend Mike was home from his mission, in white, crying and saying how proud he was while hugging another person dressed in white. As he turned around it became clear it was John on his baptism day! So with these dreams I thought I knew what it meant! John and I would change our ways, repent, convert, and live happily ever after.

               But of course that isn’t what happened. As a side note, I now have a different interpretation of those dreams. I think God was showing me what could be. What I should want to be. And as I saw that possibility play out in my dreams but realized that it could not be a reality in real life I had to consider what I truly wanted and expected for myself. After I broke up with John I had the wedding dream only once more. It was once again identical to the dreams before. But I saw the man I was going to marry. It isn’t like I could list a particular physical look I had for him but it’s as if I knew who he was anyway. As if the trust and love I had for him made me know him. And it made me desire so much to strive to one day be endowed so that I will get to marry that man and walk out of the temple with him one day. That was the first time I wanted to go through the temple. I now hope to be endowed and sealed one day.

So after these dreams I tried to appeal to John, first by asking him to quit drinking. I wanted so badly to have the life I thought I knew we could have. But we were sent here with free will and someone needs to want to change in order to truly change. He did not want to change. The last few months were devastating. I thought I loved John, I was otherwise so happy, but my relationship was suffering. I was starting to open up to the gospel, to build a relationship with Christ. I was doing well in school, I was making many friends. But we had diverged. Thankfully I was blessed to be given so many obvious signs of what was right that I knew without any doubt there was no turning back from the Gospel at this point. I either go forward with this change next to John or I go forward without him. But I had to go forward And so June came, he sat on my front doorstep. We talked kindly but distanced. And that was it. I was sad. The man I thought I loved was gone. But inexplicably I felt so at peace. It felt okay. I felt optimistic. I sensed a hard path ahead but I knew it was going to be worth it.

               So here I am with that journey under my belt. It has left me at times feeling damaged. I’m generally a confident person but I took a real hit to my self worth after this. The depression has made me feel like I’m not as smart or capable as I thought I was. My failed relationship made me feel I’m not worth someone’s loyalty or commitment That no matter how pretty or smart or funny or confident they think I am that a life with me wasn’t worth giving up something as trivial as alcohol. That my friends weren’t wiling to stick around when I chose to give up sin and follow Christ. But the gospel keeps me going.

               I can’t wait to love someone that chooses to love me fully back. I hope one day I can trust myself to do that. I hope one day I can give 100% of my love and feel it back. I want to trust that I’m worth someone’s loyalty. I want to trust I’m worth a righteous man. I pray to become better through this trial so I can be worth it one day.

And in the end of this trial I realize I’m grateful for it. I look to those times where I was given a sign and a testimony loud and clear when I’m beginning to doubt. And I’ve doubted. I was proud enough to think blessings would rain down on me immediately after this big step. They didn’t, at least not in the form I had expected. I’ve dated in the YSA ward but there hasn’t been anyone I’m seriously in to. In fact I almost find myself incapable of emotionally attaching to anyone. I’ve dealt with crippling depression. I lost friends. People decided they would choose John over me. They decided it was better to have the partying John than the sober Beth. I lost direction in my career path. But among all these trials I now understand what is temporary and what is eternal. It was the most alone I had ever felt. But I finally knew I wasn’t really ever alone.

               I had to go through my own repentance process with the bishop. (Farnsworth then Thurston) It was scary. But I now love and feel the atonement for real. Every time I pray, I thank Heavenly Father for Christ’s atonement. I needed the atonement then, and I need it now. My testimony in the atonement holds me over when my testimony in other aspects is less stable. My testimony of the eternal nature of being is so strong. My testimony of Christ’s personal relationship to us through prayer is tangible.

               I love Christ. I feel him there because he knows my pain. He’s been my friend when all hope was gone. I’m not completely myself again but I find joy in reaching out to those who I sense also feel alone, damaged, or scared. My trial has given me an ability to reach out to those in pain just as Christ does. And I feel real, Christ-like love that I’ve never felt before. I look at people with a new light now because of it. I try to understand the principle of forgiveness because I need it. I long to maintain an eternal perspective because I knew what challenges there were to face on Earth yet I boldly said I was ready to do it. And I will continue to do so.

               I look forward to the day I can look back and understand the ‘why’ of my experiences and trials. But for now I will press on with hope and gratitude. I know my Savior lives. I hope I never doubt it! I hope I never forget. I am so grateful for the hard times. I’m grateful for humility and for this clarity. I’m so grateful for my story.

Elisabeth Brooke Cannon

March 17, 2022
A Dream About Prophets

I had a dream last night. In it I was going down a stream. I had the feeling of leaving civilization for the wilderness. I came to a cliff. I climbed to the top and on the precipice there was a small and shabby tent erected. I went inside and there was an old prophet. I spoke with him.

A new prophet came. The new prophet was well dressed and well-kept, not like the old prophet living in a tiny tent on the edge of a cliff. The new prophet was respected, and I knew he came from a comfortable home. He was well regarded by society and lived comfortably in the world. He was told he had to take the place of the old prophet and live there in the wilderness, in a tent.

When I woke up from this dream, I had a feeling it was important, but I couldn’t figure out why.

What was this dream telling me?

I write down all my dreams. But this one felt important.

Was Russell M. Nelson the new prophet? Was he of the world? Was he flawed? What was the dream telling me?

As I meditated in the morning, I continued to ponder this question. On my drive into the office, I prayed to know if there was something I was supposed to glean from this dream. I asked specifically that if there was something important that I was supposed to learn to please allow my reading for the day to guide my mind to understanding.

I’m in Mosiah chapter 3 and Doctrine and Covenants section 133 respectively in my daily scripture study. A few hours later I was reading verse 71, exactly where I’d left off the day prior, of section 133, which reads:

“Behold, and lo, there are none to deliver you; for ye obeyed not my voice when I called to you out of the heavens; ye believed not my servants, and when they were sent unto you ye received them not.”

Alongside D&C I’m reading a commentary. The commentary for verse 71 said:

Why Are the Prophets Rejected?

President Spencer W. Kimball commented:

“Various excuses have been used over the centuries to dismiss these divine messengers. There has been denial because the prophet came from an obscure place. ‘Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?’ (John 1:46.) Jesus was also met with the question, ‘Is not this the carpenter’s son?’ (Matt. 13:55.) By one means or another, the swiftest method of rejection of the holy prophets has been to find a pretext, however false or absurd, to dismiss the man so that his message could also be dismissed. Prophets who were not glib, but slow of speech, were esteemed as naught.…

“We wonder how often hearers first rejected the prophets because they despised them, and finally despised the prophets even more because they had rejected them. Even so, why else is the record of rejection so complete? The cares of the world are so many and so entangling, even very good people are diverted from following the truth because they care too much for the things of the world.…

“Sometimes people let their hearts get so set upon things and the honors of this world that they cannot learn the lessons they most need to learn. Simple truths are often rejected in favor of the much less-demanding philosophies of men, and this is another cause for the rejection of the prophets.

“But while there are various excuses for rejection, there’s a certain cause for this sad record. It must not be passed over: the cares of the world, the honors of the world, and looking beyond the mark are all determined by a persuasive few who presume to speak for all.…

“The holy prophets have not only refused to follow erroneous human trends, but have pointed out these errors. No wonder the response to the prophets has not always been one of indifference. So often the prophets have been rejected because they first rejected the wrong ways of their own society.

“These excuses for rejection of the prophets are poor excuses. The trouble with using obscurity as a test of validity is that God has so often chosen to bring forth his work out of obscurity. He has even said it would be so. (See D&C 1:30.) Christianity did not go from Rome to Galilee; it was the other way around. In our day the routing is from Palmyra to Paris, not the reverse. Just because something is in our midst does not mean that we have been in the midst of it. We can daily drive by a museum or an art gallery but know nothing of what is inside.

“The trouble with rejection because of personal familiarity with the prophets is that the prophets are always somebody’s son or somebody’s neighbor. They are chosen from among the people, not transported from another planet, dramatic as that would be!…

“Of course, rejection of the holy prophets comes because the hearts of people are hardened, as people are shaped by their society. Yet even when the hardening is swift, it can also be subtle. Who, for instance, a scant twenty years ago would have foreseen the massive use of abortion in society today? Like all the diseased doctrines of the devil, the practice is pleasing unto the carnal mind.

“Prophets have a way of jarring the carnal mind. Too often the holy prophets are wrongly perceived as harsh and as anxious to make a record in order to say, ‘I told you so.’ Those prophets I have known are the most loving of men. It is because of their love and integrity that they cannot modify the Lord’s message merely to make people feel comfortable. They are too kind to be so cruel. I am so grateful that prophets do not crave popularity.” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1978, pp. 115–16; or Ensign, May 1978, pp. 76–77.)

It wasn’t until the very end of that statement from Spencer W. Kimball that it hit me, and I remembered – I asked for guidance in what I read today to help with my dream. I dreamed of prophets, now I was reading a long commentary from a prophet about why prophets are rejected.

I thought back on my dream. I had correctly believed that Russell M. Nelson was the “new prophet.” What I incorrectly interpreted was that Russell M. Nelson was “of the world” or wrong in some way. My dream gave me a feeling that he was flawed. That he was attached to the comfortable home and respectful world he lived in.

After reading that comment from Spencer W. Kimball, I realized there was no flaw in Russell M. Nelson.

The attacks on prophets are starting to escalate in our current society. See the recent backlash against Jeffrey R. Holland as an example.

The eternal and correct view of prophets on gender, marriage, and the importance of the family is under attack. Prophets will not deny truth. They will continue to speak truth even as they are rejected by the world.

Nobody embodies a “loving man” more than Jeffrey R. Holland. If you’ve ever watched one of his tear-filled and tear-jerking General Conference addresses, you know that the man emanates love for us, for followers of Jesus Christ and for all of God’s children.

“Those prophets I have known are the most loving of men. It is because of their love and integrity that they cannot modify the Lord’s message merely to make people feel comfortable.”

No statement has ever fit Jeffrey R. Holland more accurately.

I started making connections between my dream and what it was trying to tell me, so I went back and re-read where I was at in Mosiah 3:18, 19 (the verses I read before D&C that day). It reads:

18 “For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

19 “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

“And the infant perisheth not that dieth in infancy.”

“but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children.”

“For the natural man is an enemy to God.”

“And becometh as a child.”

“even as a child doth submit to his father.”

“Who, for instance, a scant twenty years ago would have foreseen the massive use of abortion in society today? Like all the diseased doctrines of the devil, the practice is pleasing unto the carnal mind. Prophets have a way of jarring the carnal mind.”

I think my dream was reminding me what I already know to be true. We are in the time where our society has fully rejected the prophets. The attack on them is going to increase. Russell M. Nelson has been a respected heart surgeon, kind, gentle, grandfatherly figure. I believe we are quickly approaching the time that he will be cast into the wilderness and hated by a world that has always hated prophets. I believe this is what my dream was telling me.

Those of us with faith in Jesus Christ and His anointed servants must keep firm in our faith in Him, and in His servants. Don’t be shaken by the attacks on His chosen servants. If you do, your faith in Him (Jesus Christ) can be shaken next. Trust in whom He has chosen. Follow them as you follow Him. The Lord’s prophets will not lead us astray. Russell M. Nelson is the Lord’s anointed and he is our prophet. As the world turns on Jesus Christ’s prophet, we must support and protect him from a world that will hate what he and our Lord stand for.

For more on this topic, I read this blog post that elaborates on the dangers of choosing what we do and do not want to believe from prophets. Click the image below to read the post:

January 27, 2022
Pornography
This topic, unfortunately, becomes more and more prevalent, and more and more of an issue for us today. It’s come up so many times, I’ve heard it so many times, and it’s such an issue that I felt I should share some thoughts on this uncomfortable subject.

I believe I was 12 when my parents had “the talk” with me. It still stands out as undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. I wonder if most people remember that talk.

It’s a joke between Beth and I that I won’t have any part of the talk when it comes time for my kids to have it. Of course, I’ll have to be there… I think. Back turned. Pretending like it’s not happening. Preferably at a couch watching TV while it happens behind me in the kitchen, just like my dad did it.

I don’t like talking about any of that stuff. This expands to a lot of areas. I used to joke constantly with Beth that I wouldn’t be in the delivery room. Of course, I was there. I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I anticipated. Maybe I’m getting older or something, or potentially the life-altering magnitude of the moment got to me, who knows.

This is why I’m shocked, myself, that I’m writing down these thoughts. Maybe I’ll even share them. I’m writing them because I think I have a perspective to share that could maybe help others. I think I’m writing it because I believe it might be good to talk about these things more, as much as I hate it. There’s some power in putting uncomfortable topics out in the open.

Pornography is a plague that is killing young boys, adolescents, teenagers, and adults. It is destroying boys and men alike. Lust is an extraordinarily powerful tool for Satan to use. I am emphasizing males. I don’t do this to imply females have zero trouble with this topic. They do. I focus on males because I think it’s obvious that it’s a bigger issue for males than females.

Beth and I have had some candid discussions about the differences between men and women. Beth has been a firm believer in the idea that men must control their minds and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to control a man’s mind by dressing modestly, etc. I think I’ve opened Beth’s mind a bit to how different boys/men are to girls/women. On that note, I think Beth has learned how difficult it is to be a boy. Especially a teenage boy, nowadays. The hormones of a teenage boy are a force to be reckoned with.

Now, this is in no way a post about how guys don’t need to control their thoughts or what’s in their pants. The exact opposite, actually. I should start by saying this: every man is capable of controlling themselves. I have friends who have gone from struggling mightily with pornography to going a year without viewing anything. It is possible. Not only is it possible, it’s liberating, it’s empowering. You can learn that no part of your body controls you. Your mind and soul control you. Once you realize this truth, unlimited power, your mind, is at your disposal.

There is never an excuse to let your mind wander and start to misuse women, even in our thoughts. Christ spoke of this often (Matthew 5:28).

However, I want to note and emphasize how difficult it is for our young men growing up today. How difficult it is to be a teenage boy. Again, I don’t write this to excuse the behavior. I write this, in part, for every woman that judges a man without having any comprehension of what it’s like to be a man. The difficulty of being a man is multiplied ten-fold for teenage boys.

There needs to be some patience and understanding from women about men. There are so many things we (men) have no clue about women. The same can be said for women understanding men. The simple fact is many women have no idea what it’s like to be a man.

Temptation is everywhere. Any billboard, movie, tv show, commercial, picture, image on the internet, person on the street, app on a phone, song lyric, the list goes on, can trigger immoral thoughts. Often mundane and only slightly sexual things in nature can lead to instant feelings of temptation and immoral thinking. We as men are programmed with this gift and curse. Gift because it can lead to a love, respect, admiration, desire, etc. for women. Curse for the other obvious reasons. As Boyd K. Packer said to all young men, “Your body is the instrument of your mind and the foundation of your character. It has within it powers which, if properly used, will contribute greatly to your exaltation. If you use this gift worthily, it will serve you throughout all eternity.”

The challenge for teenage boys is feeling ashamed of these things. Once too much shame sets in, young boys will naturally resort to privately giving into temptations, and then feel dirty and wrong when they do it. It is wrong. But the dirty part is tricky, because it’s a part of us. It’s something that needs work to control. The most important thing is to always come back to Heavenly Father and always try to be better. The worst thing that can happen is a young boy turning inward and feeling overwhelming guilt, shame, and embarrassment about these urges. You can turn away from God, but He doesn’t want that.

I have heard of eternal companionships ending over “pornography addiction.” This makes me so sad. I’m sad for the woman, who has given up on a man who has the potential to change. For every woman judging their husband too harshly, give our boys, and yes, even our men, a chance. It is hard being a boy. It is so hard being a boy today. Pornography is everywhere, it is accessible, it is easy. This doesn’t mean you don’t need to be loved by your husband or that him watching pornography is ok. But your relationship can be made so much stronger if you embrace this challenge, support, and uplift him through it. Instead of judging, think how hard this might be for the man. Think how ashamed he might feel. Then show compassion and help him.

Women: help men, stop judging them and deciding you’re unsafe, or they are evil, or they are wrong for this difficult challenge they must face. “In sickness and in health.” Does this not apply to someone going through a personal struggle? “For time and all eternity.”

I mentioned an example of someone that struggled, as in, pornography multiple times a day, every day. His situation was handled in three easy steps:
1. He talked to his wife. He told her he had a problem and needed help.
2. He talked to church leaders.
3. He talked to a couple friends and got support to help him through it.
Additional thoughts for these three points.

ONE is not possible if his wife is going to be irrational, uncaring, or judgmental. This friend was supported by a loving wife who understood that he was a phenomenal person who had a challenge he had to deal with. She was proud of him for having the courage to come to her. She was involved in the rest of the plan (steps two and three).

TWO took courage. Kudos to anyone strong enough, and self-aware enough, to talk to their church leaders, openly confess, and start themselves on a path of improvement.

Finally, THREE did not involve overbearing, controlling, constant checking in. A couple friends held him accountable. They didn’t judge him. They didn’t harass him. They didn’t stalk him. They trusted that the struggling friend would come to them when he needed support.

A year later, the struggling friend has slowly moved towards complete abstinence from pornography. This wouldn’t have been possible without a loving, supportive group around him.

For those struggling with this issue, I should add an important, recent note from this friend. When talking about my own, unrelated to pornography, bad habit, this friend told me: “Don’t give an inch when it comes to abstinence. Not saying you and *activity are the same as me and porn, but to stay clean I have to shut all forms of lewdness out, not just specifically porn and rationalize bikini pics as not porn since there is no nudity.”

I have a female friend who once told me her husband had an intense pornography addiction. It was debilitating and affected his everyday life. It was so bad he didn’t keep a cell phone. At all. To remove the opportunity, he got rid of his cell phone. Some might say “this is weak, just control it.” I say, sometimes admitting we are weak is the greatest strength. I admire this “sacrifice” for ultimate well-being.

Do you need someone’s computer password sometimes? Do you need to monitor them, watch over them, keep them more accountable? Maybe….

Even as I type that word, “maybe,” I think I totally disagree. What’s the point of abstaining if it’s through forced, agency removed, babysitting behavior? I’ve provided all the “men have it hard” points so now it’s time for the tough love. If you need to monitor every move your husband makes because he has a “pornography addiction” then he’s never going to grow and learn to control himself. If you need all his passwords, accounts, and computers checked each day, then he isn’t learning self-control, he’s learning to be controlled.

God has given us our agency and sometimes you need to buck up and be accountable for your behavior. No babysitters. No hand holding. Maybe that stuff can help in the beginning but ultimately, if a man can’t be accountable to himself, then you can’t watch him every day.

“A young man (every man) should learn to rule his body. Like his temper, he should keep it always under complete control.”
Boyd K. Packer

Being surrounded by a supportive group is vastly different from being surrounded by prison guards.

Using the example of the friend who has gone a year without pornography, the first step was him realizing “I have a problem.” That is always the most difficult thing. The world will have you think pornography is a part of life and it’s just “boys being boys.” The natural man is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19), the world would have you stay being the natural man. I was always caught telling myself I’m doing ok because I only give in once a week or once a month. It took a while for me to realize I could be so much better than that. Many reading this will scoff at this religious idea of self-control and abstinence. They’ll say it’s natural, and we were built this way, built to give in to our urges. I’ve had conversations with many close friends who ridicule the very notion of self-control when it comes to pornography. As I’ve mentioned, yes, these urges are natural, but to become like God we must learn to control our very natures.

When I was away from the church giving into my temptations was a more often occurrence, though I always felt the guilt. That is a problem facing much of the world – the removal of guilt. I never felt good after giving in. It was the complete opposite feeling to reading a good book, reading scripture, conversing in prayer, that I now experience today.

As I returned to church this habit lingered, pestered me, persisted. There have been many examples in my return to church of me slowly weeding out old activities. One example is playing basketball on Sunday. I rationalized it was good to play basketball Sunday mornings because it kept me from doing what I used to do on Saturday nights. Similar thinking came with pornography.

As I immersed myself in scripture, prayer, church activity, these temptations lessened, though they never did, and I don’t know if they ever will, completely leave. I’ve always found that the busier I am with good, wholesome activities, the easier it is to avoid.

Early on I would set goals. I would make a “promise” to myself to go a week, then two weeks, then a month. I wasn’t always perfect. But early on it made me realize the real issue this was. If I slipped up, not only was I making a mistake, but I also broke a promise to myself and to Heavenly Father. That taught me early on to continue to fight to improve.

One of my favorite books, Visions of Glory, talks about pornography in an interesting way. It pointed out that the “act” was an inherently selfish act. It took out intimacy and effort. It gave instant, personal gratification. Visions of Glory portrayed a graphic image of the demons that thrive on us in our weakest moments. It painted a picture of evil, deprived spirits feasting on our lusts when we give in to them. It’s an image I’ve used to fight these temptations.

Another tool I’ve used that is kind of silly, but I really think works is, when I get those thoughts or ideas, if possible, I will say out loud, “Not today, Satan. You can send your minions home. You’re not winning today.” It’s strange to say, but I think there is real power in this. There’s something about telling Satan you won’t let him win. Obviously, the real power comes with prayer.

As I said, this struggle may never completely go away. It’s ok to talk about it. I think we should be more willing to admit that we have faults, sometimes we slip up, and then to pick ourselves back up.

Finally, I’d like to discuss my thoughts on repenting through these mistakes. I’m hopeful writing my thoughts out will help me understand how I feel about this, as it’s something I truly struggle with – the guilt of slipping up and making a mistake. It’s difficult to desperately want to be “perfect” and to constantly fall short. We all experience this. It is in no way exclusive to lust or pornography. This is about sin in general.

I’ve found that it’s critical for me not to kick myself too hard while I’m down, after I make a mistake. This inevitably makes it harder to repent. Sometimes I don’t even want to kneel and ask forgiveness because I feel so hypocritical. How can I repent for something I’ve done 100 times? Does God even respect me at that point? The answer is, whether or not God respects me, He loves me. That’s so much more comforting.

Telling us not to repent, that we’re hypocrites, and we’re unworthy of forgiveness is a tool of Satan we must avoid. God always wants us to repent. I will say this again with emphasis: GOD ALWAYS WANTS US TO REPENT. There is no time, ever, that God wants us to feel such guilt that we can’t come to him. Hypocrite or not. We can’t be fooled in those greatest moments of weakness to think that God does not want us to come to him meekly, humbly, and ask for forgiveness. Christ’s Atonement covers all. I know He wishes us always to use the gift He freely gave to us. Especially when it’s hard, humbling, and humiliating.

That said, we must take our sins seriously. It can’t be a cavalier, “well I did it again.” Get on your knees, say sorry, do it again tomorrow. That’s not how it works. Look in your heart and find the sorrow for what you’ve done. I’ve found it helpful to break down into great detail why what I did was wrong. Who am I hurting? That’s often myself. Who could I hurt? Who am I objectifying and how are my actions showing a disrespect to God’s extremely sacred gifts? Sin is not a joke, and we must never treat it as such.

To the lovely, strong, beautiful women of the world – please, be patient with us. It’s harder to be a man than you will ever know, just as it’s harder (in different ways) to be a woman than we’ll ever know.

I’d like to thank Beth for her help in preparing this post. Never has something I’ve written required so much editing, and she was critical in that. I’m grateful for a wife that understands these things and whom I can talk candidly to about these topics. Beth and I have had many of these conversations. I’ve never felt judged by my wife. In fact, discussions with her help me to go easier on myself and feel her support. That is empowering and has helped me to be a better man. I couldn’t be that, a better man, without her support.
January 13, 2022
Temple Miracle

I don’t recall a good temple miracle story for myself. I love the temple. I feel peace in the temple. The truth is, I’ve felt like I have a difficult time after the temple. The idea that you can take the temple with you and feel peace in the world after leaving, I’ve personally not experienced that. My experience has been more that as soon as I leave the temple Satan doubles and triples his efforts to bring strife and impatience into my heart. I feel the world engulf me when I leave that peaceful home. Of course, those are probably my own shortcomings.

So, if you asked me my best “temple story”- a story where I felt overwhelming peace, or received a profound answer to prayer, or something drastic in my life changed after a visit, I wouldn’t immediately have an answer. That’s not to say those things haven’t happened. I believe if we don’t write down the miracles we experience we seldomly remember them. What a sad thing to forget miracles.

Salt Lake Temple

Which leads me to writing this, to be sure I don’t forget this subtle, but profound and important miracle.

Recently Beth and I went to the Mesa temple open house. It was an extraordinary experience. It was my first time doing a tour of a temple. I’ve obviously been in the temple many times, but never taken a tour. Also, it’s been a while since I’ve been to the temple. Since Covid, I’ve only been to the temple once, for my sister’s wedding, aside from this recent open house visit.

Touring the temple was amazing. Every picture inside the temple was spectacular. I had a hard time not pausing to stare at every picture of Jesus Christ I encountered. I would have held up the tour if I had done so, but I love staring at any depiction of Christ and trying to fathom who He is.

The beauty in every detail of the temple is awe-inspiring. It is a place of pure peace. I kept tears at bay as I walked through the halls and eternally significant rooms as I realized how much I had missed that place.

This leads to my miracle. It’s small, almost unnoticeable, but significant.

Beth and I had been having some difficulty the few days, maybe week, leading up to this open house visit. Normal marriage stuff. Strife, snippy comments, unkindness, our house hadn’t been a super peaceful and happy place. I say this with the vulnerability of knowing we (as people, society, etc.) don’t often admit these things, but it’s important to understand what happened after the temple.

There was something I realized I needed to say to Beth earlier that day, but it was difficult to say because it’s extremely difficult for me to be “touchy-feely” or “lovey-dovey.” Wasn’t how I was raised. So there was something I needed to say but it was going to be difficult. Then, after the temple, it came out so naturally and easily. I believe the temple brought it comfortably out of me. Maybe because being in the temple had reminded me of the covenants I made there with Beth.

On our drive home from the temple I told Beth this:

“Things have been hard the past few days but that’s marriage. It’s not always going to be great. It’s going to be difficult and we know that. But I need to remind you, and I need you to know, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going anywhere. And neither are you. We are here for each other no matter what, no matter how hard it gets. We made covenants to each other and I plan on keeping mine and I know you plan on keeping yours. And throughout any challenge we’ll become closer, and more united, and stronger for those challenges.”

This led to a conversation about the covenants we made and how important our faith is to us, and to our relationship. I know Beth and I will always be together because I know what our relationship is centered on. Our relationship is centered on Jesus Christ and a covenant we made with each other that included Him. Without that rock, without that stable foundation, the world is just too shaky and full of turmoil. But I know we will grow through any challenge because we made eternal covenants and we plan on sticking to them.

Where Beth and I were sealed for eternity

I believe being in the temple in some subconscious way reminded me of the covenants we’d made and made it so easy to have that deep, emotional, and important discussion.

I’m grateful for the temple and the covenants I’ve made there. Life and marriage is difficult enough. With the option of walking away, too many do. The temple is God’s house and I know that to be true. I know it is a beacon in a dark world. I know it is where peace can be found. I know it is where eternal covenants and a welding link can be established. I am eternally grateful for that home. I am grateful for the miracle it provided me that day. I am grateful for the miracle the temple is in my life every single day, whether I visit it or not, due to the covenants made there.

San Diego Temple

November 11, 2021
What is the Power of Faith?

What is the power of faith?

Well, by it the worlds were made so… what can our faith do?

I’ve written about a miracle I saw happen in my post Miracle Baptisms.

I was once told a story that strengthened my faith and taught me something about the power of faith. By the way, this is a true story, not made up. If you don’t believe me, have faith.

The story goes like this…

There was a guy attending ASU. His parents planned a big cruise vacation over the winter break. This guy had been praying and looking for an opportunity to share the gospel with someone. Who? He didn’t know, just someone. He had made a commitment to baptize a friend before the end of winter break.

When his parents told him about the plans for the cruise he declined. His parents were shocked. “Why??? We’re going on a family cruise!” He explained he already had plans.

“What plans?!” They asked. “What could be more important than our family cruise?”

“I’ll be baptizing a friend at that time,” was his response.

Oh… they thought. Well, that is important. They asked who the friend was. He told them he didn’t know, yet.

Let’s break this down. Here was a cruise. It existed. It was paid for. It was happening. It was a guarantee.

This guy, though, had another guarantee. He had a commitment. He would be baptizing someone at that time.

Soon after the conversation with his parents (aka the testing of his faith) he was sitting outside on campus reading the Book of Mormon. An acquaintance from class walked by and asked what he was reading. A few weeks later our hero was baptizing this friend at the precise time his family was on their cruise.

Some would say the cruise was a sure thing and the baptism was not. The baptism was a pipe dream, a shot in the dark. It was unlikely to happen.

What role did faith play in this story?

Obviously, faith was everything.

Soon after declining a sure thing, an all-expense paid cruise vacation, the interaction happened.

While this guy could have been on a cruise, he was doing something vastly more important, baptizing a friend.

What is a cruise when compared to the eternal salvation of a soul, of one of God’s children?

I don’t know the rest of the story. I don’t know what happened with the individual that was baptized. My faith tells something special happened. What if this individual joined the Church of Jesus Christ and devoted himself to it? What if he went on a mission? What if he baptizes five individuals on his mission and shares the Gospel of Jesus Christ with countless others? What if he marries in the temple and has five children? What if those children are raised to worship Christ and bear testimony of Him throughout their lives?

Fact – that cruise turned into one baptism.

Faith – that one baptism turned into thousands hearing of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and coming closer to their Savior.

Where does faith end and fact start? – That’s up to us.

“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.”
Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

“And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!”
Doctrine and Covenants 18:15

June 17, 2021