No Coincidences

Tag: peace

  • A Dream About Prophets

    A Dream About Prophets

    I had a dream last night.  In it I was going down a stream.  I had the feeling of leaving civilization for the wilderness.  I came to a cliff.  I climbed to the top and on the precipice there was a small and shabby tent erected.  I went inside and there was an old prophet.  I spoke with him.

    A new prophet came.  The new prophet was well dressed and well-kept, not like the old prophet living in a tiny tent on the edge of a cliff.  The new prophet was respected, and I knew he came from a comfortable home.  He was well regarded by society and lived comfortably in the world.  He was told he had to take the place of the old prophet and live there in the wilderness, in a tent.

    When I woke up from this dream, I had a feeling it was important, but I couldn’t figure out why.

    What was this dream telling me?

    I write down all my dreams.  But this one felt important.

    Was Russell M. Nelson the new prophet?  Was he of the world?  Was he flawed?  What was the dream telling me?

    As I meditated in the morning, I continued to ponder this question.  On my drive into the office, I prayed to know if there was something I was supposed to glean from this dream.  I asked specifically that if there was something important that I was supposed to learn to please allow my reading for the day to guide my mind to understanding.

    I’m in Mosiah chapter 3 and Doctrine and Covenants section 133 respectively in my daily scripture study.  A few hours later I was reading verse 71, exactly where I’d left off the day prior, of section 133, which reads:

    “Behold, and lo, there are none to deliver you; for ye obeyed not my voice when I called to you out of the heavens; ye believed not my servants, and when they were sent unto you ye received them not.”

    Alongside D&C I’m reading a commentary.  The commentary for verse 71 said:

    Why Are the Prophets Rejected?

    President Spencer W. Kimball commented:

    “Various excuses have been used over the centuries to dismiss these divine messengers. There has been denial because the prophet came from an obscure place. ‘Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?’ (John 1:46.) Jesus was also met with the question, ‘Is not this the carpenter’s son?’ (Matt. 13:55.) By one means or another, the swiftest method of rejection of the holy prophets has been to find a pretext, however false or absurd, to dismiss the man so that his message could also be dismissed. Prophets who were not glib, but slow of speech, were esteemed as naught.…

    “We wonder how often hearers first rejected the prophets because they despised them, and finally despised the prophets even more because they had rejected them. Even so, why else is the record of rejection so complete? The cares of the world are so many and so entangling, even very good people are diverted from following the truth because they care too much for the things of the world.…

    “Sometimes people let their hearts get so set upon things and the honors of this world that they cannot learn the lessons they most need to learn. Simple truths are often rejected in favor of the much less-demanding philosophies of men, and this is another cause for the rejection of the prophets.

    “But while there are various excuses for rejection, there’s a certain cause for this sad record. It must not be passed over: the cares of the world, the honors of the world, and looking beyond the mark are all determined by a persuasive few who presume to speak for all.…

    “The holy prophets have not only refused to follow erroneous human trends, but have pointed out these errors. No wonder the response to the prophets has not always been one of indifference. So often the prophets have been rejected because they first rejected the wrong ways of their own society.

    “These excuses for rejection of the prophets are poor excuses. The trouble with using obscurity as a test of validity is that God has so often chosen to bring forth his work out of obscurity. He has even said it would be so. (See D&C 1:30.) Christianity did not go from Rome to Galilee; it was the other way around. In our day the routing is from Palmyra to Paris, not the reverse. Just because something is in our midst does not mean that we have been in the midst of it. We can daily drive by a museum or an art gallery but know nothing of what is inside.

    “The trouble with rejection because of personal familiarity with the prophets is that the prophets are always somebody’s son or somebody’s neighbor. They are chosen from among the people, not transported from another planet, dramatic as that would be!…

    “Of course, rejection of the holy prophets comes because the hearts of people are hardened, as people are shaped by their society. Yet even when the hardening is swift, it can also be subtle. Who, for instance, a scant twenty years ago would have foreseen the massive use of abortion in society today? Like all the diseased doctrines of the devil, the practice is pleasing unto the carnal mind.

    “Prophets have a way of jarring the carnal mind. Too often the holy prophets are wrongly perceived as harsh and as anxious to make a record in order to say, ‘I told you so.’ Those prophets I have known are the most loving of men. It is because of their love and integrity that they cannot modify the Lord’s message merely to make people feel comfortable. They are too kind to be so cruel. I am so grateful that prophets do not crave popularity.” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1978, pp. 115–16; or Ensign, May 1978, pp. 76–77.)

    It wasn’t until the very end of that statement from Spencer W. Kimball that it hit me, and I remembered – I asked for guidance in what I read today to help with my dream.  I dreamed of prophets, now I was reading a long commentary from a prophet about why prophets are rejected.

    I thought back on my dream.  I had correctly believed that Russell M. Nelson was the “new prophet.”  What I incorrectly interpreted was that Russell M. Nelson was “of the world” or wrong in some way.  My dream gave me a feeling that he was flawed.  That he was attached to the comfortable home and respectful world he lived in.

    After reading that comment from Spencer W. Kimball, I realized there was no flaw in Russell M. Nelson. 

    The attacks on prophets are starting to escalate in our current society.  See the recent backlash against Jeffrey R. Holland as an example.

    The eternal and correct view of prophets on gender, marriage, and the importance of the family is under attack.  Prophets will not deny truth.  They will continue to speak truth even as they are rejected by the world.

    Nobody embodies a “loving man” more than Jeffrey R. Holland.  If you’ve ever watched one of his tear-filled and tear-jerking General Conference addresses, you know that the man emanates love for us, for followers of Jesus Christ and for all of God’s children.

    “Those prophets I have known are the most loving of men. It is because of their love and integrity that they cannot modify the Lord’s message merely to make people feel comfortable.”

    No statement has ever fit Jeffrey R. Holland more accurately.

    I started making connections between my dream and what it was trying to tell me, so I went back and re-read where I was at in Mosiah 3:18, 19 (the verses I read before D&C that day).  It reads:

    18 “For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

    19 “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

    “And the infant perisheth not that dieth in infancy.”

    “but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children.”

    “For the natural man is an enemy to God.” 

    “And becometh as a child.”

    “even as a child doth submit to his father.”

    “Who, for instance, a scant twenty years ago would have foreseen the massive use of abortion in society today? Like all the diseased doctrines of the devil, the practice is pleasing unto the carnal mind.  Prophets have a way of jarring the carnal mind.”

    I think my dream was reminding me what I already know to be true.  We are in the time where our society has fully rejected the prophets.  The attack on them is going to increase.  Russell M. Nelson has been a respected heart surgeon, kind, gentle, grandfatherly figure.  I believe we are quickly approaching the time that he will be cast into the wilderness and hated by a world that has always hated prophets.  I believe this is what my dream was telling me.

    Those of us with faith in Jesus Christ and His anointed servants must keep firm in our faith in Him, and in His servants.  Don’t be shaken by the attacks on His chosen servants.  If you do, your faith in Him (Jesus Christ) can be shaken next.  Trust in whom He has chosen.  Follow them as you follow Him.  The Lord’s prophets will not lead us astray.  Russell M. Nelson is the Lord’s anointed and he is our prophet.  As the world turns on Jesus Christ’s prophet, we must support and protect him from a world that will hate what he and our Lord stand for.

    For more on this topic, I read this blog post that elaborates on the dangers of choosing what we do and do not want to believe from prophets. Click the image below to read the post:

    Why it is dangerous to throw away prophets you dislike

  • Israel–Palestine Conflict

    Israel–Palestine Conflict

    I recently went about educating myself on the current conflict in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine.  It was briefly a popular subject in the news recently.  Then, as the news is wont to do, the next hot topic came, and we didn’t hear about this issue anymore.  That doesn’t mean this is no longer an issue, only that we’re not hearing about it as much.  This problem has been ongoing for decades.

    First, a disclaimer before broaching this subject:  what is happening in the Middle East is a complex issue today, has been for a very long time, and will continue to be.  As is often the case in multi-decade feuds between different cultures, this isn’t a simple movie plot – bad guys vs good guys.  No superlatives will properly express how complex this issue is, so I won’t use any.  I’ll leave it at the statement:  this is a complex issue.

    Before I get into this complex issue, I must state something of vast importance.  It is important we don’t hate anyone, on either side.  That includes hating the Jews, which is becoming a “hip” thing to do lately.  It is of critical importance that we don’t completely vilify and blame the Jewish people for the atrocities that have been performed.  Yes, atrocities are being performed.  But, if we hate and vilify and discriminate against the Jewish people for the acts of a few or even of many, we are doing exactly what we’re so angry at the Jews for.  We are mistreating people.  Whether people are right or wrong, mistreating them is never an acceptable response.

    A little historical background on what has happened and has been happening in Israel/Palestine, for those like me who have kept themselves blissfully ignorant of the topic.

    At the end of World War II many Jewish people were displaced, their homes destroyed, they had nowhere to go.  As these refugees wondered where they should go, a natural gathering to their ancient homeland started to occur.  The only problem was their homeland was already home to a new group of people.  The area of “Israel,” the land gifted to Abraham and his Jewish descendants by God, had become Palestine.  New people had been living there for centuries.

    The Bible has long prophesied of the gathering of Jews back to their homeland.  The 20th Century has seen many Jewish people gather back to the land of Israel, making it a nation again, for the first time in 2,000 years.  Did this gathering fulfill prophesy?  In part.  That prophesy won’t be completely fulfilled until Christ returns and shows the Jewish descendants of Abraham the prints in his hands and feet and they accept the Lord as their Christ.

    Since we are witnessing, in our time, a prophesy fulfilled only in part, it’s obvious why this topic is so important to study and understand.  It fascinates me that something prophesied of for centuries has been happening right before our eyes, in our time, our parents’ time, and our grandparents’ time.  Yet we all act like this isn’t a big deal.  Prophesy fulfilled in the dispensation of the fullness of times.  Another reminder of the significance of the time we now find ourselves in.

    When I heard of the issues in Israel, I realized I needed to pay attention.  I’m aggressive in my avoidance of news and current affairs.  I know I should do better.  When I heard about Israel in the news, and as a studier and believer of the Bible, I was ashamed and embarrassed to be so ignorant on such an important topic.  My ignorance needed to be rectified.  The events in the Middle East are prophetic and important.  Which led to my study of the subject. 

    What has happened as part of this 20th century gathering is what has happened anytime a people travels to an inhabited land in hopes of making it their own.  This mass migration of the Jewish people back to Israel/Palestine has led to war, contention, and oppression.  The Jewish people have established a Jewish state: Israel exists again.  This establishment has shown little regard for the previous inhabitants.  As the Jews have established some dominance and control in the region, naturally they exert some pressure on the previous people.  The oppressed from history and particularly World War 2 have become the oppressors.  Due to a lot of outside support, the Jewish state of Israel has been given much leeway in human rights violations.  Public opinion has always been on the side of Israel, largely due to the support of Bible believing Christian countries (see documentary The Occupation of the American Mind).

    The Occupation of the American Mind | Kanopy

    There is wrongdoing on both sides.  The Jewish people/Israel are not blameless.  The Arabs/Palestine are not blameless.  There is blood on the hands of both sides.  This is in large part what makes this issue so complex.  When conflict becomes decades of conflict, an eye for an eye becomes 100,000 eyes for 100,000 eyes.

    That’s the million-foot view.  The difficulty I’ve found in researching this subject is the bias you get from both sides.  I’ve found it difficult to find completely impartial, factual, and historical information.  The best and most impartial documentary I’ve watched so far is Two Blue Lines.  That’s where much of my thoughts on this topic will come from.  That documentary really made me think about this problem from different angles.

    My hope is that I can give some thoughts on this issue, in the simplest and most layman terms, to help others realize how important it is we pay attention to what’s happening in the Middle East.  Instead of saying too much in a breakdown of this topic, I’ll just share some interesting thoughts that developed from the documentaries I’ve watched.  At the end of this, I’ll list out these documentaries if you’d like to further educate yourself on the important events happening in Palestine.

    One topic that developed in the documentary Two Blue Lines was the idea that the Jewish people had become grounded in the land and not in the people.  I believe it was a Jewish rabbi that pointed out it isn’t the land of Israel that makes Judaism, it is the people, no matter where they are.  He talked about how Judaism is confused.  God wants love.  Judaism is one with all people.  Judaism should be love and peace and brotherhood.  What’s happening in the nation of Israel is the people are becoming grounded in land, and not religion.  They have linked themselves to the earth, to something temporal.  Judaism is more than a land, it is bigger.  Judaism has survived as a people, a religion, and a culture through centuries of persecution and attempts at eradication because of their strong roots in God.  Jews believe they are God’s chosen people.  Rooting themselves to the land of Israel weakens what has always been their strength.  The issue in Israel has become a people linked to a land instead of to God.

    As a studier of the Bible, I realized I fell into this grounded in land and not in people thinking.  My first thought (when completely ignorant of the issue) was – “of course the Jews are coming back to Israel by any means necessary.  The Bible said it was rightfully theirs, the Bible tells us they would return to it, of course this is happening.”  That, though, doesn’t excuse oppressive or unloving behavior.  Prophesy told us the Jews would be scourged from generation to generation for what was done to Jesus Christ (2 Nephi 25:16), this didn’t make the Holocaust rightful in anyway.  In a similar way, just because the Jewish return to Israel was prophesied doesn’t make Jewish mistreatment of Palestinians acceptable.    

    Other thoughts, mostly from Two Blue Lines and The Gatekeepers:

    1. This is quickly going to become a more relevant issue in the United States. 
    2. A girl talked about how the Jews are repeating history.  Similar to what was done to them so recently in the Holocaust they are now doing to others.  She talks about how it’s hard to stop because it’s not one person, it’s like a movement.  It’s gaining momentum and it’s happening.
    3. One Jewish lady said that history will not look kindly on what is happening in Israel.  Live by the sword die by the sword.  They are committing war crimes.  History takes note.  Maybe not today, but one day.  She said this ~30 years ago.  We’re seeing that day come.  As mentioned, the public shift against the Jews and the state of Israel is happening now, right before our eyes.
    4. A fascinating point was made about segregation.  Israel was established in 1948.  At that time, they modeled after and looked up to the United States which was the pinnacle of the western world.  At that time the US was still a segregated country.  70 years later Israel hasn’t had a civil rights movement.  They still live in segregation, but instead of black people being discriminated against it’s Palestinians who are being mistreated.  For a real-world picture of this watch the fictional movie A Borrowed Identity.
    5. These are quotes from individuals In Two Blue Lines
      • “It’s clear that there will not be peace if we continue to demolish innocent peoples’ houses….”
      • “What is more dangerous is what this (mistreating Palestinians) does to Israeli people… as Israeli soldiers and citizens we become, from year to year, more animals.” 
      • “What’s worse is what is being done to Israeli people, we are becoming animals.” 
    6. The Gaza Strip (the most fought over land in possibly all the world) is the size of Mobile Alabama with 10x the population.
    7. As you watch this, don’t villainize the Jewish people.  Then you are perpetuating the evil.  Understand they are confused, and they are wrong.  They do need to be held accountable.  It needs to stop.  They need to stop treating others how they have been treated.  They need to treat others how they WANT to be treated.
    8. One individual pointed out that the Palestinians don’t have a state or an army.  This “war” is against a people.  You can’t have ethnic democracy, or “Jewish democracy.”  Either you believe in democracy, or you believe in a Jewish state.
    9. From The Gatekeepers – all former Shin Bet (Israel’s internal security service, think the FBI) leaders were unanimous; Israel must talk with the terrorists.  They must talk with anyone that might talk to them.  Peace cannot come through military or tactics or fighting or intelligence.  Another of the Shin Bet leaders, the oldest one in the last 7 min of the documentary talked about how the occupation is making young Israelis cruel.  They’re becoming like Germany when they occupied territories.  Not how Germany was towards the Jews, but how they were to all the others they occupied (Polish, Danish, Norwegians, etc.).  He said, “We win every battle, but we lose the war.”

    That’s some of what I learned from conflicts in the Middle East.  I’ll now present some scriptural evidence of the prophesy being fulfilled.

    From a commentary on Doctrine and Covenants section 133 (items in parentheses are my own insertions): “The Gentiles who obeyed the Gospel were commanded (v. 12) to gather in Zion (Utah/America), and those of the house of Judah were to flee to Jerusalem (seen in 20th century, as discussed) (v. 13).  This is in harmony with the prediction of Isaiah and Micah, that out of Zion (America) shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord (Bible) from Jerusalem (Micah 4:2). For from both these centers the Lord shall judge.  Jerusalem shall be re-built and become a holy city, the capital for Judah, and Zion shall be the capital and city of our God, for Ephraim and his fellows (why so many of the tribe of Ephraim are already in America).  Both shall be seats of government in unison with each other, and the Lord shall dwell in both.” (Smith and Sjodahl commentary).

    Zechariah 14:1-5 reads:

    Behold, the day of the Lord cometh, and thy spoil shall be divided in the midst of thee.

    2 For I will gather all nations against Jerusalem to battle; and the city shall be taken, and the houses rifled, and the women ravished; and half of the city shall go forth into captivity, and the residue of the people shall not be cut off from the city.

    3 Then shall the Lord go forth, and fight against those nations, as when he fought in the day of battle.

    4 And his feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives, which is before Jerusalem on the east, and the mount of Olives shall cleave in the midst thereof toward the east and toward the west, and there shall be a very great valley; and half of the mountain shall remove toward the north, and half of it toward the south.

    5 And ye shall flee to the valley of the mountains; for the valley of the mountains shall reach unto Azal: yea, ye shall flee, like as ye fled from before the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah: and the Lord my God shall come, and all the saints with thee.

    This what the Jews expected from their Savior, the Messiah.  They expected a warrior.  A soldier to redeem them from the occupation of the Romans.  Instead, they got the Lamb of God.  That phrase had largely been removed from their scripture.  Search for it in our current Old Testament and you will not find “Lamb of God” referenced.  Why?  Because it did not fit the image the Jewish people wanted from their King.  They wanted and expected a king more akin to David, not Solomon.

    Zechariah 14:1-5 is a yet to be fulfilled prophesy.  As I heard of the hate and vitriol being pointed towards the Jews in the news and on social media, I realized it was starting.  It’s long been a question: with the state of Israel so favored worldwide, how would this prophesy come to be?  When would the armies encompass them about?  As we see time and time again, political alliances and mutually beneficial allegiances turn quickly when public opinion starts to turn.  Public opinion against the nation of Israel is changing right before our eyes.  Prophesy is beginning to take its shape.

    Luke 12:54-56:

    54 And he (Christ) said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is.

    55 And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass.

    56 Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time?

    The Jewish people must turn to their Savior and accept that He has already come before them.  They can’t rely on alliances with the United States any longer.  They must trust in the Lord their God.  They are the chosen of the Lord, even despite their great mistakes.  He still loves them; they are still His people.  They must turn to Him and trust in Him.  Political alliances are fickle.  The Lord’s covenants with the people of Israel are eternal.

    Tragedies have occurred in the Palestine/Israel conflict on both sides.  Inhumane treatment abounds.  The opposite of love has been shown for God’s children.  We are all God’s children.  The Jewish people know this.  They must turn from their obsession in obtaining their homeland and instead make the world a promised land.  They must repent for the sins of few or many.  They must correct wrongs currently being done in the Middle East.  When they do this, they will continue to have the favor of the Lord Jesus Christ, and no one can come against them. 

    For more on the signs of the Second Coming see this link:

    https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-principles/chapter-43-signs-of-the-second-coming?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fstudy%2Fmanual%2Fgospel-principles%2Fchapter-43-signs-of-the-second-coming%3Flang%3Deng&adobe_mc_sdid=SDID%3D7302279A4CD5BB72-09C549BA4C3CA027%7CMCORGID%3D66C5485451E56AAE0A490D45%2540AdobeOrg%7CTS%3D1642517792

    Documentaries watched:

    1. The Zionist Story (2011)
    2. The Occupation of the American Mind (2016)
    3. Two Blue Lines (2015)
      • Can be found for purchase on Amazon Prime Video, Youtube, Apple TV.
      • Best, most impartial documentary I’ve seen.
    4. A Borrowed Identity (2015)
      • Can be found for purchase on Amazon Prime Video.
      • Fictional account of a Palestinian living in occupied territory.  This one teaches less general facts as it’s not a documentary, but teaches a lot, nonetheless.  It gives a real life feel to how this has impacted individual, real people, for generations.
    5. The Gatekeepers (2012)
      • Can be found on Hulu, Starz, Amazon Prime Video, and others.
      • Documentary of the intelligence agency in Israel.  Very powerful.
  • Pornography

    Pornography

    This topic, unfortunately, becomes more and more prevalent, and more and more of an issue for us today.  It’s come up so many times, I’ve heard it so many times, and it’s such an issue that I felt I should share some thoughts on this uncomfortable subject.

    I believe I was 12 when my parents had “the talk” with me.  It still stands out as undoubtedly one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.  I wonder if most people remember that talk.

    It’s a joke between Beth and I that I won’t have any part of the talk when it comes time for my kids to have it.  Of course, I’ll have to be there… I think.  Back turned.  Pretending like it’s not happening.  Preferably at a couch watching TV while it happens behind me in the kitchen, just like my dad did it.

    I don’t like talking about any of that stuff.  This expands to a lot of areas.  I used to joke constantly with Beth that I wouldn’t be in the delivery room.  Of course, I was there.  I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I anticipated.  Maybe I’m getting older or something, or potentially the life-altering magnitude of the moment got to me, who knows. 

    This is why I’m shocked, myself, that I’m writing down these thoughts.  Maybe I’ll even share them.  I’m writing them because I think I have a perspective to share that could maybe help others.  I think I’m writing it because I believe it might be good to talk about these things more, as much as I hate it.  There’s some power in putting uncomfortable topics out in the open.

    Pornography is a plague that is killing young boys, adolescents, teenagers, and adults.  It is destroying boys and men alike.  Lust is an extraordinarily powerful tool for Satan to use.  I am emphasizing males.  I don’t do this to imply females have zero trouble with this topic.  They do.  I focus on males because I think it’s obvious that it’s a bigger issue for males than females.

    Beth and I have had some candid discussions about the differences between men and women.  Beth has been a firm believer in the idea that men must control their minds and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to control a man’s mind by dressing modestly, etc.  I think I’ve opened Beth’s mind a bit to how different boys/men are to girls/women.  On that note, I think Beth has learned how difficult it is to be a boy.  Especially a teenage boy, nowadays.  The hormones of a teenage boy are a force to be reckoned with. 

    Now, this is in no way a post about how guys don’t need to control their thoughts or what’s in their pants.  The exact opposite, actually.  I should start by saying this:  every man is capable of controlling themselves.  I have friends who have gone from struggling mightily with pornography to going a year without viewing anything.  It is possible.  Not only is it possible, it’s liberating, it’s empowering.  You can learn that no part of your body controls you.  Your mind and soul control you.  Once you realize this truth, unlimited power, your mind, is at your disposal. 

    There is never an excuse to let your mind wander and start to misuse women, even in our thoughts.  Christ spoke of this often (Matthew 5:28).

    However, I want to note and emphasize how difficult it is for our young men growing up today.  How difficult it is to be a teenage boy.  Again, I don’t write this to excuse the behavior.  I write this, in part, for every woman that judges a man without having any comprehension of what it’s like to be a man.  The difficulty of being a man is multiplied ten-fold for teenage boys.

    There needs to be some patience and understanding from women about men.  There are so many things we (men) have no clue about women.  The same can be said for women understanding men.  The simple fact is many women have no idea what it’s like to be a man.

    Temptation is everywhere.  Any billboard, movie, tv show, commercial, picture, image on the internet, person on the street, app on a phone, song lyric, the list goes on, can trigger immoral thoughts.  Often mundane and only slightly sexual things in nature can lead to instant feelings of temptation and immoral thinking.  We as men are programmed with this gift and curse.  Gift because it can lead to a love, respect, admiration, desire, etc. for women.  Curse for the other obvious reasons.  As Boyd K. Packer said to all young men, “Your body is the instrument of your mind and the foundation of your character.  It has within it powers which, if properly used, will contribute greatly to your exaltation.  If you use this gift worthily, it will serve you throughout all eternity.”

    The challenge for teenage boys is feeling ashamed of these things.  Once too much shame sets in, young boys will naturally resort to privately giving into temptations, and then feel dirty and wrong when they do it.  It is wrong.  But the dirty part is tricky, because it’s a part of us.  It’s something that needs work to control.  The most important thing is to always come back to Heavenly Father and always try to be better.  The worst thing that can happen is a young boy turning inward and feeling overwhelming guilt, shame, and embarrassment about these urges.  You can turn away from God, but He doesn’t want that.

    I have heard of eternal companionships ending over “pornography addiction.”  This makes me so sad.  I’m sad for the woman, who has given up on a man who has the potential to change.  For every woman judging their husband too harshly, give our boys, and yes, even our men, a chance.  It is hard being a boy.  It is so hard being a boy today.  Pornography is everywhere, it is accessible, it is easy.  This doesn’t mean you don’t need to be loved by your husband or that him watching pornography is ok.  But your relationship can be made so much stronger if you embrace this challenge, support, and uplift him through it.  Instead of judging, think how hard this might be for the man.  Think how ashamed he might feel.  Then show compassion and help him.

    Women: help men, stop judging them and deciding you’re unsafe, or they are evil, or they are wrong for this difficult challenge they must face.  “In sickness and in health.”  Does this not apply to someone going through a personal struggle?  “For time and all eternity.”

    I mentioned an example of someone that struggled, as in, pornography multiple times a day, every day.  His situation was handled in three easy steps:

    1. He talked to his wife.  He told her he had a problem and needed help.
    2. He talked to church leaders.
    3. He talked to a couple friends and got support to help him through it.

    Additional thoughts for these three points.

    ONE is not possible if his wife is going to be irrational, uncaring, or judgmental.  This friend was supported by a loving wife who understood that he was a phenomenal person who had a challenge he had to deal with.  She was proud of him for having the courage to come to her.  She was involved in the rest of the plan (steps two and three). 

    TWO took courage.  Kudos to anyone strong enough, and self-aware enough, to talk to their church leaders, openly confess, and start themselves on a path of improvement. 

    Finally, THREE did not involve overbearing, controlling, constant checking in.  A couple friends held him accountable.  They didn’t judge him.  They didn’t harass him.  They didn’t stalk him.  They trusted that the struggling friend would come to them when he needed support. 

    A year later, the struggling friend has slowly moved towards complete abstinence from pornography.  This wouldn’t have been possible without a loving, supportive group around him.

    For those struggling with this issue, I should add an important, recent note from this friend.  When talking about my own, unrelated to pornography, bad habit, this friend told me: “Don’t give an inch when it comes to abstinence.  Not saying you and *activity are the same as me and porn, but to stay clean I have to shut all forms of lewdness out, not just specifically porn and rationalize bikini pics as not porn since there is no nudity.”

    I have a female friend who once told me her husband had an intense pornography addiction.  It was debilitating and affected his everyday life.  It was so bad he didn’t keep a cell phone.  At all.  To remove the opportunity, he got rid of his cell phone.  Some might say “this is weak, just control it.”  I say, sometimes admitting we are weak is the greatest strength.  I admire this “sacrifice” for ultimate well-being. 

    Do you need someone’s computer password sometimes?  Do you need to monitor them, watch over them, keep them more accountable?  Maybe….

    Even as I type that word, “maybe,” I think I totally disagree.  What’s the point of abstaining if it’s through forced, agency removed, babysitting behavior?  I’ve provided all the “men have it hard” points so now it’s time for the tough love.  If you need to monitor every move your husband makes because he has a “pornography addiction” then he’s never going to grow and learn to control himself.  If you need all his passwords, accounts, and computers checked each day, then he isn’t learning self-control, he’s learning to be controlled. 

    God has given us our agency and sometimes you need to buck up and be accountable for your behavior.  No babysitters.  No hand holding.  Maybe that stuff can help in the beginning but ultimately, if a man can’t be accountable to himself, then you can’t watch him every day. 

    “A young man (every man) should learn to rule his body.  Like his temper, he should keep it always under complete control.”

    Boyd K. Packer

    Being surrounded by a supportive group is vastly different from being surrounded by prison guards. 

    Using the example of the friend who has gone a year without pornography, the first step was him realizing “I have a problem.”  That is always the most difficult thing.  The world will have you think pornography is a part of life and it’s just “boys being boys.”  The natural man is an enemy to God (Mosiah 3:19), the world would have you stay being the natural man.  I was always caught telling myself I’m doing ok because I only give in once a week or once a month.  It took a while for me to realize I could be so much better than that.  Many reading this will scoff at this religious idea of self-control and abstinence.  They’ll say it’s natural, and we were built this way, built to give in to our urges.  I’ve had conversations with many close friends who ridicule the very notion of self-control when it comes to pornography.  As I’ve mentioned, yes, these urges are natural, but to become like God we must learn to control our very natures.

    When I was away from the church giving into my temptations was a more often occurrence, though I always felt the guilt.  That is a problem facing much of the world – the removal of guilt.  I never felt good after giving in.  It was the complete opposite feeling to reading a good book, reading scripture, conversing in prayer, that I now experience today.

    As I returned to church this habit lingered, pestered me, persisted.  There have been many examples in my return to church of me slowly weeding out old activities.  One example is playing basketball on Sunday.  I rationalized it was good to play basketball Sunday mornings because it kept me from doing what I used to do on Saturday nights.  Similar thinking came with pornography.

    As I immersed myself in scripture, prayer, church activity, these temptations lessened, though they never did, and I don’t know if they ever will, completely leave.  I’ve always found that the busier I am with good, wholesome activities, the easier it is to avoid. 

    Early on I would set goals.  I would make a “promise” to myself to go a week, then two weeks, then a month.  I wasn’t always perfect.  But early on it made me realize the real issue this was.  If I slipped up, not only was I making a mistake, but I also broke a promise to myself and to Heavenly Father.  That taught me early on to continue to fight to improve. 

    One of my favorite books, Visions of Glory, talks about pornography in an interesting way.  It pointed out that the “act” was an inherently selfish act.  It took out intimacy and effort.  It gave instant, personal gratification.  Visions of Glory portrayed a graphic image of the demons that thrive on us in our weakest moments.  It painted a picture of evil, deprived spirits feasting on our lusts when we give in to them.  It’s an image I’ve used to fight these temptations. 

    Another tool I’ve used that is kind of silly, but I really think works is, when I get those thoughts or ideas, if possible, I will say out loud, “Not today, Satan.  You can send your minions home.  You’re not winning today.”  It’s strange to say, but I think there is real power in this.  There’s something about telling Satan you won’t let him win.  Obviously, the real power comes with prayer. 

    As I said, this struggle may never completely go away.  It’s ok to talk about it.  I think we should be more willing to admit that we have faults, sometimes we slip up, and then to pick ourselves back up.

    Finally, I’d like to discuss my thoughts on repenting through these mistakes.  I’m hopeful writing my thoughts out will help me understand how I feel about this, as it’s something I truly struggle with – the guilt of slipping up and making a mistake.  It’s difficult to desperately want to be “perfect” and to constantly fall short.  We all experience this.  It is in no way exclusive to lust or pornography.  This is about sin in general.

    I’ve found that it’s critical for me not to kick myself too hard while I’m down, after I make a mistake.  This inevitably makes it harder to repent.  Sometimes I don’t even want to kneel and ask forgiveness because I feel so hypocritical.  How can I repent for something I’ve done 100 times?  Does God even respect me at that point?  The answer is, whether or not God respects me, He loves me.  That’s so much more comforting.

    Telling us not to repent, that we’re hypocrites, and we’re unworthy of forgiveness is a tool of Satan we must avoid.  God always wants us to repent.  I will say this again with emphasis:  GOD ALWAYS WANTS US TO REPENT.  There is no time, ever, that God wants us to feel such guilt that we can’t come to him.  Hypocrite or not.  We can’t be fooled in those greatest moments of weakness to think that God does not want us to come to him meekly, humbly, and ask for forgiveness.  Christ’s Atonement covers all.  I know He wishes us always to use the gift He freely gave to us.  Especially when it’s hard, humbling, and humiliating.

    That said, we must take our sins seriously.  It can’t be a cavalier, “well I did it again.”  Get on your knees, say sorry, do it again tomorrow.  That’s not how it works.  Look in your heart and find the sorrow for what you’ve done.  I’ve found it helpful to break down into great detail why what I did was wrong.  Who am I hurting?  That’s often myself.  Who could I hurt?  Who am I objectifying and how are my actions showing a disrespect to God’s extremely sacred gifts?  Sin is not a joke, and we must never treat it as such.

    To the lovely, strong, beautiful women of the world – please, be patient with us.  It’s harder to be a man than you will ever know, just as it’s harder (in different ways) to be a woman than we’ll ever know.

    I’d like to thank Beth for her help in preparing this post.  Never has something I’ve written required so much editing, and she was critical in that.  I’m grateful for a wife that understands these things and whom I can talk candidly to about these topics.  Beth and I have had many of these conversations.  I’ve never felt judged by my wife.  In fact, discussions with her help me to go easier on myself and feel her support.  That is empowering and has helped me to be a better man.  I couldn’t be that, a better man, without her support. 

  • Love Thy Neighbor: The Time I was Threatened with Lawsuit

    Love Thy Neighbor: The Time I was Threatened with Lawsuit

    I posted War or Cheesecake Factory two weeks ago about an experience where tone made all the difference. I’d like to share two more examples when tone benefited me with my neighbors.

    When my below neighbor got angry with me about a supposed leak that flooded her unit it wasn’t the first time I’d been yelled at by a neighbor about a leak.  In fact, the last time I was threatened to be sued.  Let me explain.

    I had a great relationship with my below neighbors before they sold their place to the current tenant.  It was a grandparently relationship.  The older gentleman would come over and help with my toilet, etc.  We would drop off a card and cookies to them on holidays. 

    One day they came to me and told they had black mold, and worse, it was my fault.  The details don’t matter but basically there was a leak (supposedly) coming from me, they had found it, and they were upset.  I communicated with them throughout to help however I could.

    This man that had come to feel like a grandpa came up one evening and told me, basically, that there might be a lawsuit with my name on it and he didn’t want me to be caught off guard.

    My response you ask?

    “Oh, ok,” in a cheery, not at all concerned tone.

    This was a combination of meek demeanor and ignorance.  It was hours later, sitting on the couch, before it hit me.  Oh!  They just threatened to sue me.

    I don’t know if they ever truly intended to sue me.  What I do know is I never heard another word about it.  I can only think my ignorance and kind reception at threat of lawsuit dissuaded them from taking that course of action.  They fixed the issue on their end and we moved on like that conversation never happened.  That neighbor came over multiple times in the future to help with household items, we dropped off cookies and cards multiple other times.  Life moved on.

    One more neighbor interaction story.

    When this current neighbor moved in, my very first interaction was with her and her mom.  They were moving stuff in and I introduced myself.  I remember her mom jokingly saying, “now my daughter is deaf so you’ll have to yell when you speak to her.”

    I don’t think this neighbor is really deaf.  Maybe hard of hearing or something like that, she can definitely hear.  I think her mom was playfully warning me about her daughter’s music tastes.

    As soon as this neighbor moved in the music started.  I’m talking, floor shaking, bass moving, beats jumping, party going, music.  There weren’t many parties, but many days that sounded like parties.  This music could be at any time of the day.  Most often around midnight followed by 5 in the morning.

    I think the main problem was that her speakers may have been right under our bedroom.  Beth was pregnant and sleeping some nights on the couch.  I was sleeping on the floor in the nursery some nights.  We kept hoping it would stop.  It never stopped.

    One morning at 6:30am while the party was rocking, I’d had enough.  Beth was pregnant and wasn’t sleeping.  I constantly fought the urge to go down and yell and freak out.  I finally realized I had to talk to the neighbor.

    I knocked on her door at 6:30.  She creaked the door open, looked at me confused like, “why are you here at 6:30am??”  I wanted to say to that face, “why is this music playing at 6:00am?”  Instead I said, again, in the kindest, softest (over the music), most meek way I could, “Hey… I just wanted to let you know we can hear the music.”

    “What?!”

    “Yeah… it kind of feels like our floor is shaking right under our bed.  We’ve been having a really difficult time sleeping and you know Beth is pregnant and, just wanted to make sure you knew.”

    “It’s not even that loud.”

    I looked at her dumbfounded.  She could barely hear me through the door with the music on behind her.

    “Yeah well we can hear it, again, just wanted to let you know.  If you were able to turn it down a little that would help us a whole lot.”

    She looked at me annoyed, and I can’t remember what she said.  I do remember walking away thinking, now what?  Are we going to have to move?  We can’t live like this.  Clearly she wasn’t going to turn down the music.

    We never heard the music again.  Literally not one more time.

    I think back on that often.  We could have had a disastrous start to a neighbor relationship.  Our life could have been living hell the past year.  If I went down without sleep, angry, and accused her of maliciously keeping my pregnant wife up, who knows what would have happened.  I can’t imagine anything good coming from that.

    Instead we built rapport.  I explained the issue as calm and kind as I could, and hoped for the best.  The best came.  When that leak happened (see other post), we’d already established a level of respect. 

    I don’t write this to be like – I’m a great neighbor, check me out.  I just want to emphasize that tone and word choice can go a long way.  The way we say things makes a big difference.  Our mindset when we confront someone is important.  If you attack, they attack back, and now we’re at war.  Nobody wants war.

    When you’re frustrated with someone, take one second and enter their shoes.  Why did they frustrate you?  Was it malicious?  Was it intentional?  Is there a chance they are having a bad day too?  If we all take a moment to consider the feelings of others, it would change this world.  I hope we can all take a moment and show kindness and compassion for those around us.  Our country needs it.

    Love God and love thy neighbor.

  • War or Cheesecake Factory

    War or Cheesecake Factory

    One morning at 7:30am I received a frantic call from my below neighbor yelling at me asking why I didn’t tell her my unit flooded. 

    I hadn’t had a ton of interactions with this neighbor, but this was the first time she yelled at me.

    I calmly replied by saying, “there hasn’t been any flooding for me, what’s going on?”

    She angrily told me that there must be flooding.  She hadn’t been home for a week, and she could see it coming from the ceiling and how could I not tell her we had a leak!

    I said, “Let me clarify, I haven’t seen any flooding on our end.  If there’s a leak, I have no idea about it.  But I will look into it right away and see if we can find anything.”

    I got details on where her flooding was and all that.

    I must emphasize that she was understandably freaking out.  She was angry, she walked into her unit completely flooded and thinking I was responsible.  I responded with a calm tone and explained my side and let her know I would get to the bottom of it as soon as possible.

    This neighbor had a friend come over to look at her and my unit and determined the leak was coming from her end, thank goodness I wasn’t responsible.  This friend of hers was working all evening in this hot, humid kitchen trying to fix her issue.  Beth made him up a plate for dinner.

    By the end of the week, with us not having water for most of it, this neighbor was leaving us a gift card to a restaurant (see title of post if you’re wondering where).  I had been in constant communication with her throughout the week, helping however I could, and staying in touch on where they were at with repairs.  This neighbor thanked us for our patience, help, and feeding her friend dinner that night, thus the gift card.

    I thought back on that 7:30am call.  What if I responded confrontationally to her call?  What if my response was, “what do you mean a leak?! We don’t have a leak! That’s your problem!”

    Even if it turned out to be her problem, we would have been at war, and Beth and I wouldn’t be headed to Cheesecake Factory for a free meal tonight.

    Kindness, patience, understanding, and TONE can go such a long way. 

    I understood immediately when my neighbor called that she wasn’t mad at ME.  She was frustrated.  That frustration may have been pointed in my direction, but if I put myself in her shoes, I could immediately understand why.

    Society has become too quick to yell back.  If we all took a second and looked at it from the other person’s perspective, we’d have a lot less Twitter wars and a lot more visits to Cheesecake Factory.

    I’ll take the Cheesecake factory any day.