I looked back, confused by what I was seeing. I considered a response. All that came was, “Who are you?”
“I’m all that you could have been,” he replied.
He looked just like me. I guess I couldn’t have been a bodybuilder. “What do you mean I wasted it?” I asked.
“You were given so much. So much opportunity. So much of a head start. You were raised to know God. You were raised to know Jesus Christ. You were raised to know why you were here and where you were going. And look what you did with it.”
I stared back dumbly. Ok, that was unfair. I got married late. Had one kid. Got divorced. Held down a decent job for most of my life. Maybe I drank a bit too much and I had a propensity to gamble. But my son loved me, despite my faults. My life wasn’t perfect by any means but a waste? This seemed over the top.
“I didn’t waste it. My life? It wasn’t wasted,” I finally said. I had no other defense than to repeatedly say it wasn’t a waste.
“I’ve come to tell you that you did. I’m sorry,” the other me seemed to say with real compassion. Would I have been equally compassionate in his shoes?
“What did you do differently?” I asked.
A vision opened up to me. This must have been what so many near-death-experiencers describe as a life review, but this wasn’t my life. It was me I was seeing, but it wasn’t my life. It was my life for stretches. But then something changed. In a miraculous way I saw it all. The thoughts, the struggle, the fear, the doubt, and the triumph. I saw the grappling with faith.
In my life, I’d never come back to God. It was too painful to feel like I’d let Him down. The focus of this vision was one critical moment. A prayer to God begging Him to take this alternate version of me back. I’d never done that.
The vision flew through other minor and major events. The major events: Marriage, but not at the venue I got married at, this was performed at a beautiful white building. A temple. A wife he (the alternate version) was faithful to. Children that didn’t just “love” him but admired and adored him. Children that had their own faith that strengthened and guided them in a fallen world. A wife that appreciated him and stuck with him through it all.
Then seemingly minor but apparently important events: Service, church callings, prayers, books read, time spent studying, time spent writing, small discussions, small moments shared, smiles, gratitude, forgiveness, sharing, giving. I had to admit it was a much different life than the one I had lived. It sure had a lot less football on Sundays.
Did I waste it?
In 2021 when I wrote the above, I had heard the question, “If on the last day of your life you met the person you could have been, what would you say to each other?”
That inspired me to write the brief dialogue above. It’s what I thought that interaction could look like if I never turned back to God and reminded myself what is truly important about this life.
When that baby girl is born in June you’ll realize in one momentous second that you’ll never be the same.
It’s the strangest thing. You’ve thought this whole time you’ve had a life and then in one moment you realize, “Woah.” Words can’t describe the moment a child is born. “Heart expanding” isn’t all encompassing enough. You’ve never had a heart until now. You realize all of a sudden every capacity to care and love that your being has possessed pales in comparison to this overwhelming feeling of care and protection you have for this helpless thing.
It’s the craziest thing.
Advice.
Don’t blink. Dwell on how quickly time passes just enough to kick yourself into gear. So that when you’re tired, and, oh, you think you’ve been tired before now? You’ve never known tired. When you’re tired and grumpy and thinking you can’t wait until they just get out of diapers, or put on their own pants, or pour their own cereal, until you remember one day will be the last diaper, the last time helping them put on pants, the last time pouring their cereal. Remember every day that one day will be the last day for all these things, and it makes it easier.
Don’t watch those “memories videos” iPhones make at any point after having a daughter. Unless you have 3 hours to spare melting into a puddle of sadness, joy, despair, and existential crisis thinking about how time goes by. And your girl grows.
Don’t dwell on this too much or your heart will explode out of your chest.
I wrote this in September of 2023, when Beth and I were practically still newlyweds (married just over 4 years when I wrote this, now we’re approaching 7).
Beth and I had a fight the other day.
I’ve been reading the Church Handbook for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The day after that fight, and Beth and I had of course made up, I read this:
Husband and Wife
“A husband and wife are intended to progress together toward eternal life (see 1 Corinthians 11:11).
This is your quarterly reminder that marriage is HARD. There’s a reason it’s so important in God’s eternal plan.
“A couple makes this covenant (covenant of celestial marriage) when they receive the marriage sealing ordinance in the temple. This covenants it the foundation of an eternal family.”
“When faithfully kept, it allows their marriage to endure forever. Ultimately, thy can become like God (see Doctrine and Covenants 132:19-20).
Again, in case you missed it the first time, another reminder, there is a reason marriage is so HARD.
If you’re reading this and your marriage is hard, don’t give up. If you’re reading this and your marriage is getting hard, don’t give up. If you’re reading his and your marriage has been hard, don’t give up. Rely on and trust each other.
“God has commanded husbands and wives to cleave to each other (see Genesis 2:24; Doctrine and Covenants 42:22). In this context, the word cleave means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave together by loving and serving each other.”
And just one more important reminder from the handbook:
“Cleaving also includes total fidelity between husband and wife.”
Marjorie Hinckley was once told by a lady when she was a newlywed to Gordon B. Hinckley, “Don’t get discouraged, the first 10 years of marriage are hard.” Not the first 6 months or the first year: the first 10 years. You are combining your life with someone. There will inevitably be differences in living, habits, thoughts, plans. You are literally becoming one with another individual. What could be more difficult than that? What can be more humbling than giving a part of yourself a way for someone you love? What can better illustrate that love than sacrificing for your significant other?
Marriage is a sacrifice, and it’s meant to be. That’s the point I think the world forgets sometimes. Marriage is not supposed to be all gain and all for me, me, me. Like being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints isn’t all flowers and blessings –being a member of this church is a sacrifice – of time, money, and effort. Being married is also a sacrifice. If it wasn’t a sacrifice, it wouldn’t be worth having.
The most important and valuable things in this world require sacrifice.
I recently heard the fascinating idea that when couples divorce, they lose memories. It is after divorce that they learn their memories weren’t theirs at all but shared memories. When separated, divorced couples literally lose memories. Because those memories weren’t just one or the others. Those memories were joint memories. When split, when separated, when broken, when divorced, those memories disappear.
I found that to be so interesting.
I love my wife. I am grateful for her. There are things she does that make my life less enjoyable- but I couldn’t live without her. She is the mother of my daughters and the most important person in my life and I’m sorry every day that I take her for granted. Marriage is hard, but she is my partner. I’ve grown so much and connected with her on so many levels the first few years of marriage, I’m interested to see how far this merging of mind and personality can go. To become one.
1 Corinthians 11:11 “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”
“The man and the woman are intended to learn from, strengthen, bless, and complete each other.” – Elder Bednar.
*Originally written 4/19/2022, edited for posting in 2025.
I was having a discussion with my mom a frew years ago about the trend in China of younger people not wanting to have children. We talked about this trend spreading through society. This trend of young people wanting to enjoy travelling, free time, more financial freedom, and therefore, choosing to not start families or have children.
I watched an episode of a show recently. In the show, there is an extremely wealthy and powerful couple. They put off having children. The wife has gotten older and it may be too later for her to have children, but she’s thinking about children. She has a conversation with her husband. In the conversation she says, “Why have we built all this, what is it for?” And he replies, “It’s for us, we built it for ourselves.” She responds, “But if one of us dies…”
She hit on something there. If you only build in this life for yourself, and if at some point you die, what did you really build it for?
Back to that conversation with my mom years ago, we talked about how this is a sad level of selfishness spreading. How much can I travel, how much freedom can I have, how much money can I have for myself, with children being only a burden that take these things away from us. Now, of course, there are those who can’t have children and don’t have a choice. This doesn’t apply to someone in that situation at all. I’m talking about all the people my age that have decided a child isn’t worth their time, because their life is more important.
Until you give your life for another, you never truly understand your capacity to love. Until you open yourself up to the love and selfless life that is caring for a child, “selfless” is just an adjective.
I was on a long road trip with Beth and Ivy and so I was sitting in the back seat to give Ivy company. This was before Sage and Wren entered our lives. A song started playing. I was leaning over, staring right at Ivy. The lyrics of this song are meant to describe the heartache of a breakup. But as I listened to the words and applied them to the love I felt for my daughter whom I was staring at, the lyrics took on a whole new, eternal, and powerful meaning to me. For those words to take on the meaning they did, I had to apply them in a dark and sad way. I imagined what would happen if I ever lost Ivy (tears come to my eyes as I type those words). Bear with me. The topic will not stay sad and morbid.
The lyrics were from a song called Breakeven by The Script:
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in ‘Cause I got time while she got freedom ‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
…
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK? I’m falling to pieces, yeah I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK? I’m falling to pieces, yeah I’m falling to pieces, yeah I’m falling to pieces (One still in love while the other one’s leaving) I’m falling to pieces (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And What am I suppose to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK? (Oh glad you’re okay now) I’m falling to pieces yeah I’m falling to pieces (oh, I’m falling, falling) yeah I’m falling to pieces (One still in love while the other one’s leaving) I’m falling to pieces (‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)
While preparing to post this, Wren crawled to my chair and pulled herself to stand at my feet. I decided to experiment if this song is still emotional when considered in this twisted context I’ve applied to it. Yup, still tears. I only let myself brush the very edge of the surface of this hypothetical.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can not. “What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you?”
I think the most difficult thing that could happen in this life is losing a child and my heart breaks at the mere thought of it. I feel for anyone that has to endure that pain. Just reading those lyrics, considering what I was writing 3.5 years ago, my chest started to ache at the thought. What I wrote here applies more than ever now that I have 3 daughters who I love more than life itself.
“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.”
“Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in.” This would ever happen to me. But I can see how it would for so many in this world. Which makes me sad. And is why I’m writing this.
“’Cause I got time while she got freedom” – I’m stuck in time while she would be free.
“Her best days will be some of my worst” – The best days for our loved ones, their return home, to heaven, is often the worst days for those left behind.
“While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping”
“They say bad things happen for a reason But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding ‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
And what am I going to do when the best part of me was always you? And What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK? I’m falling to pieces, yeah.
This discussion with my mom, that moment with Ivy in the car, and these thoughts originally happened over Easter weekend three years ago.
Without the resurection, the lyrics of this song would be perfectly true. It would be impossible to go on from that sort of tragedy. But the resurection is real. Jesus Christ did conquer death. I know that Jesus Christ was resurected and that myself and my family will be resurected.
I can’t believe that I will ever be without Ivy, Sage, Wren, and Beth for too long a period of time. This life is but a blink in eternity. I look at them, and the love I have for each of them, I know the God I love would not allow this level of love in my heart, and then not allow me to be with them forever. It makes me sad that much of Christianity does not have the truth restored through Christ’s true gospel that families can be together forever. I know that Ivy will be mine for eternity. I know that Sage will be mine for eternity. I know that Wren will be mine for eternity. When I’m 100 and Ivy is 70, she will still be my daughter. When I leave this world and she stays, she will still be my daughter. When we both have left this life, she will still be my daughter.
To all those who might be reading this, and I’ve drudged up memories and feelings you have tried to suppress, to all those thinking about the loved one you so desperately miss now, my message to you is of hope.
I know that Christ suffered all of my sins so that I could be forgiven for them and overcome death through His blood and grace. I know that Christ conquered death and was resurrected, so that my family and I can be resurrected. I know that we will live together again as a family unit, because of what He did for me. This is why (though I always fall short) I’ve tried so hard to give everything to Him – my heart, my time, my love, my devotion, my life – because He already gave me everything that means anything.
I say with any authority I can muster, with full confidence and faith in the Plan of God: You will see your loved ones again. The ones that make you fall to pieces, the ones that just thinking about choke you up, the ones that make you feel alive but like you’re barely breathing, the ones you don’t know if you can live without because they were the best part of you: You will see them again.
I am thankful for these truths that have been restored. I’m grateful to know that whatever happens in this life or the next, Ivy, Sage, and Wren will be mine, and I will be theirs. Forever. This goes for Beth also. Because of Jesus Christ we will be together forever. And my love for Him is inexpressable when I consider what He’s done for me.
My grandpa Stan recently turned 90 years old. For his birthday, all his children and grandchildren wrote him a letter. This is the letter I wrote to my grandpa.
Grandpa,
One of my earliest memories was my first and only trip to Grandaddy Lake. It was horrible. Keep in mind, I was maybe 4. It rained the whole time. It was so miserable. But I still remember it.
I remember hiking back after the long week there. It was raining. I’m not sure it ever stopped raining. I was walking through mud, and I was crying. Everyone else was hiking with big backpacks for the trip. I had my little toy backpack on, and I was crying about it, about the hike, about the rain, about the mud, about my miserable existence.
You got frustrated with me. It was the only time I recall seeing you frustrated/angry/mad. I cried more.
My dad took my little backpack. I still have a memory of my dad shirtless, hiking in the rain. He was hiking now with his huge backpack on his back and my little backpack on his shoulder.
I looked around at all my aunts, uncles, you, and my dad and realized no one else was complaining. Everyone was cold, wet, and frustrated, but no one was complaining.
This core memory has stuck with me. I like to think it impacted me and in some minor, or possibly major ways, has shaped me.
The Las Vegas Quackenbush clan (my family) has never been to Granddaddy Lake. We have our modern-day equivalent. We now go to the theme park Six Flags Magic Mountain multiple times a year. It is a requirement that any future in-law go through the gauntlet of a 12-hour day at Magic Mountain before they can even think about being accepted into the family.
When Beth came to Six Flags with us for the first time, we were all so happy because there was a high heat warning. The lines were great! Meanwhile, we almost died. My roommate came with us to Six Flags once. He’s sworn to never return.
I now have two daughters that I joke, tongue-in-cheek, about needing to remove as much Cannon from (Beth’s maiden name) and insert as much Quackenbush into as possible.
This is the Grandaddy Lake mindset. More importantly, this is what it is to be a Quackenbush. I take pride in my name.
I take pride in you.
I take pride in our pioneer roots.
I take pride in the foundation of faith I have been afforded.
I take pride in what you and Grandma built, for me.
I take pride in what you and Grandma built, for my family, for my daughters.
I want to thank you for choosing an eternal companion of from among the devoted young women of The Kingdom. That is a line from my patriarchal blessing. I was able to choose an eternal companion who is an amazing mother, wife, and person because of you. I am able to raise my daughters with a confidence in things eternal because of you and Grandma. I am able to see the bigger picture, endure, have faith, progress, learn, grow, and get better, all with an understanding of who I am and where I come from, because of you and Grandma.
I don’t know what I did to earn the position in the family I’ve been given, but I thank you.
I look forward to one day having a life review. I hope to see some or all of your life review and Grandma’s life review. I look forward to one day seeing all the sacrifices endured and trials met head on by Grandma and yourself so that I could have the mortal experience I have been afforded. You and Grandma are a foundation. You created a foundation. In this life I’ll never fully understand all you went through and struggled with so I could have what I have. One day, I hope to understand. On that day, I will stand, and I will kneel, and I will thank my progenitors, you, for what you did for me. We all will.
No Coincidences 