No Coincidences

Tag: church

  • He Hears your Prayers

    He Hears your Prayers

    When I go through difficult times, for whatever reason that might be, I often find myself thinking to myself a lyric from the song “A Child’s Prayer.” 

    “Heavenly Father, are you really there?”

    I was recently having one of those difficult times and was thinking this phrase.

    I went to church that Sunday and said a prayer asking that if there was some guidance I could receive, that I’d hear it.  It was a particularly distracted day with Ivy in church.  Quick side note, it’s amazing how distracting a toddler can be in church.  Ivy is really good in church, and yet I still find it so difficult to focus on the speakers while also making sure she’s ok and entertained.

    Despite the normal distractions, I caught a speaker mentioning, “Heavenly Father, are you really there?”  I can’t remember in what context.  I believe it might have been the youth speaker.  I perked up, but that was it, the moment passed.

    It was a thoroughly uplifting Sunday that day and I found myself feeling in much better spirits.  Still, there were those lingering “difficulties” in the background.

    The next day I was with Ivy in her room.  I am more and more convinced that Ivy, and probably all children, are still at least 50% angel.  The coincidences Ivy causes in my life are too perfect.

    I was in her rocking chair on my computer reading and doing stuff while she played. Suddenly she came over to me which isn’t unusual.  I put my computer away and pulled out my phone instead.  I wanted to look up the songs we had in church the previous day because I had a song stuck in my head but didn’t know it’s name.  I pulled up Youtube to play the sacrament song and confirm it was the one stuck in my head.

    We listened to the song and then Ivy reached for the phone, again, not something out of the ordinary by any means.  She started tapping it with her finger.  I saw her click a couple recommended videos that were on the side of the screen and then she pulled her hand away.  A video started playing.  I didn’t recognize the song (at first).  It had a long introduction and then there were images of children with their parents.  Children praying with their parents, being tucked in, coloring, playing. 

    Suddenly it started.

    Heavenly Father, are you really there?
    And do you hear and answer every child’s prayer?
    Some say that Heaven is far away
    But I feel it close around me as I pray

    “I feel it close around me as I pray” is the part, during times of difficulty, that I struggle with.  Because in those times I don’t always feel heaven close around me as I pray.

    I started to cry.

    The song continued.

    Heavenly Father, I remember now
    Something that Jesus told disciples long ago
    “Suffer the children to come to me”
    Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee

    I looked at Ivy.

    Then the song continued.

    Pray, He is there
    Speak, He is listening
    You are His child
    His love now surrounds you
    He hears your prayer
    He loves the children
    Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of Heaven

    It had been so long since I’d heard the full song I truly didn’t remember that part. And when I heard it, it was so clear.  It was so clear.  In moments of challenge I remember the part, “Heavenly Father, are you really there?”  But I’d forgotten the part, “He is there.  Speak, He is listening.  You are His child.  His love now surrounds you.  He hears your prayer.”

    I remembered.

    Sometimes it’s so hard to hear Him.  Sometimes it’s so hard to remember He is there.

    Then He reminds you. 

    I want to remind everyone reading.  He is there.  Speak, He is listening.

    The world can yell at me that it was a complete coincidence that Ivy somehow brought up that song that I’ve never listened to before on Youtube.  I say, that’s ridiculous.  I needed to be reminded that my Father was there and listening, and so he reminded me.  Through my angel.

    I’m grateful for Him.  I’m grateful for all my angels. 

    I know He is there.

  • The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    This is my wife, Beth’s testimony exactly as written.  Names have been changed.

    In a future post I will give some of my thoughts about this, but for now, the power of her testimony should stand on its own, unencumbered by any comments I could hope to make.

    Here it is.

    The Journal Entry of Beth’s Conversion Story

    April 20, 2016

                   I just read my patriarchal blessing for the second time since I got it. It confirmed promptings I’ve been having lately that I should do some journaling for myself and posterity so, even though it is past midnight I felt it better to do this than mindlessly fall asleep to some Netflix show. The past few years have had so much I don’t know how to fit everything I should write to remember. So, because of my failings as a journal writer, it will have to be a highlight reel of life. I just feel some changes that have occurred are too important to neglect to include.

                   I am in my third year at ASU. I love it, I love learning, but my diagnosis with clinical depression in October 2015 has really been a roadblock in my ability to work hard. Luckily, after dropping out for a semester, I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’m not taking medication anymore but I’ve been hiking often and the feeling I get from pushing myself and being physically fit really serves as a great anti-depressant. So I’m back in school with just 9 credit hours, but hard classes. (1920’s senior thesis, history of college sports, and existentialism) I will probably graduate in about a year and do some sort of graduate school program. I previously had been dead set on going to law school. However, I’ve had to rethink my career path after being diagnosed with the depression episode. I don’t really trust myself to be able to go through law school. I always had 100% confidence in my academic capabilities. Now, I’ve taken a real hit to that confidence. My patriarchal blessing does mention that through my righteousness I will have many different career options. That has been comforting.

                   Life has been full of changes the past year. I think the biggest one that I will write on is about the ending of my very serious relationship with John for 2 ½ years and my decision to come back to church. I dated him from senior year of high school all the way up to just short of my 21st birthday. I really thought I loved him. He and I had plans to even get married one day. We were HS sweethearts and he was what I considered my first real love. I feel a real sense of anger at the situation but I also can’t help but think I will always love who he used to be and what we used to have.

    Initially, since about sophomore year of high school, I was set on not being LDS. I didn’t have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I didn’t believe what the prophets spoke about. I wanted to live contrary to many of the commandments. I never cared to enter the temple. I was prepared to live that life with John too. We were definitely not living by LDS standards and that is exactly what I wanted. I was perfectly happy breaking the word of wisdom and living contrary to the law of chastity, among other things. Our relationship was never perfect. We fought often. He drank. I remember one day he drank so much he wound up in the hospital knocked out. For approximately 5 hours I sat there watching him, angry, upset, feeling betrayed, but wanting to show compassion. He cheated on me many times. I would often find messages on his phone texting other girls. He was perfectly fine with going out and getting drunk with other girls when I wasn’t around. Dramatic scenarios like these were often. I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. But I lost touch with who I used to be or who I could be. And when there were good times, I felt some amazing love. I just started to realize I had a better potential and I deserved better.

                   The changes came slowly at first. I remember when Clark was on his mission, I had one night where I felt so very, extremely alone. Not just physically but much deeper than that. It was dark. I was overcome by hopelessness. It was a feeling I almost lack the ability to explain. I now think it was a result of separating myself so far from the spirit that the light from Christ dimmed. I was prideful. I hadn’t prayed in years. But I did. I prayed in that moment. Desperately. I pleaded with God, please take this feeling from me even though I know I don’t deserve it. Immediately, my fear dissipated and calm overwhelmed me. That was the first time I understood how real prayer was. I wish I could convey that feeling to others. It was painful, scary, optimistic, and inspiring all at once. That was a start.

                   Any institute classes at ASU helped too. I didn’t mind studying the gospel from an intellectual standpoint so I liked going. I read scriptures. I discussed the gospel. I often was so eager to share what I learned with John. Sometimes he’d listen, other times he’d pretend to. It was awkward. I wanted to share what I found profound and he was resistant. But again, there were slow changes creeping in. I was realizing what the words of the gospel could mean. And he was realizing that he wanted nothing to do with it.

                   The real changes began around the start of 2015. I had quit or was about to quit partaking in most of the big sins I had been living in for years. I had already quit drinking and I was ready to cut-off the intimate aspect of my relationship with John. I had an institute class on the Teachings of the Latter-Day Prophets at this time. For some scheduling reason, I missed that class often. To make up absences we had to write papers on general conference talks. (Which I had never listened to previously in my life) So I did it. And that was a blessing in disguise. Again, I took it as an intellectual opportunity, like listening to Gospel TED Talks. At first I learned a lot. But then I began to feel a lot. I studied the atonement. And the friendship and companionship of Christ. I studied talks on being genuine and being compassionate. I began to slowly feel a change of heart, a softening of a heart that had been proud for many years. And even though I thought I was happy before, I started to feel joy. Real joy. And I started to feel love for others. Real Christ-like love. And I started to understand my divine purpose. The real potential I could live up to. Then came the dreams that gave the final push.

                   I’ve had vivid and detailed dreams for a few years now. Often they are silly. But often they are profound. Sometimes they even come true. I know that for many of us, the spirit speaks to us in dreams. For context, it is important to know I never wanted to get married in the temple before in my life and I never had been the kind of girl to dream excessively of my wedding day either. However, I had about four dreams where I was walking out of the temple in a white dress looking happier than I’d ever been lovingly holding the hand of a man. These dreams always ended right before I saw the face of the man I married. One night, I had the fifth identical dream but this time the man was John.

                   In addition, I had another dream that my friend Mike was home from his mission, in white, crying and saying how proud he was while hugging another person dressed in white. As he turned around it became clear it was John on his baptism day! So with these dreams I thought I knew what it meant! John and I would change our ways, repent, convert, and live happily ever after.

                   But of course that isn’t what happened. As a side note, I now have a different interpretation of those dreams. I think God was showing me what could be. What I should want to be. And as I saw that possibility play out in my dreams but realized that it could not be a reality in real life I had to consider what I truly wanted and expected for myself. After I broke up with John I had the wedding dream only once more. It was once again identical to the dreams before. But I saw the man I was going to marry. It isn’t like I could list a particular physical look I had for him but it’s as if I knew who he was anyway. As if the trust and love I had for him made me know him. And it made me desire so much to strive to one day be endowed so that I will get to marry that man and walk out of the temple with him one day. That was the first time I wanted to go through the temple. I now hope to be endowed and sealed one day.

    So after these dreams I tried to appeal to John, first by asking him to quit drinking. I wanted so badly to have the life I thought I knew we could have. But we were sent here with free will and someone needs to want to change in order to truly change. He did not want to change. The last few months were devastating. I thought I loved John, I was otherwise so happy, but my relationship was suffering. I was starting to open up to the gospel, to build a relationship with Christ. I was doing well in school, I was making many friends. But we had diverged. Thankfully I was blessed to be given so many obvious signs of what was right that I knew without any doubt there was no turning back from the Gospel at this point. I either go forward with this change next to John or I go forward without him. But I had to go forward And so June came, he sat on my front doorstep. We talked kindly but distanced. And that was it. I was sad. The man I thought I loved was gone. But inexplicably I felt so at peace. It felt okay. I felt optimistic. I sensed a hard path ahead but I knew it was going to be worth it.

                   So here I am with that journey under my belt. It has left me at times feeling damaged. I’m generally a confident person but I took a real hit to my self worth after this. The depression has made me feel like I’m not as smart or capable as I thought I was. My failed relationship made me feel I’m not worth someone’s loyalty or commitment That no matter how pretty or smart or funny or confident they think I am that a life with me wasn’t worth giving up something as trivial as alcohol. That my friends weren’t wiling to stick around when I chose to give up sin and follow Christ. But the gospel keeps me going.

                   I can’t wait to love someone that chooses to love me fully back. I hope one day I can trust myself to do that. I hope one day I can give 100% of my love and feel it back. I want to trust that I’m worth someone’s loyalty. I want to trust I’m worth a righteous man. I pray to become better through this trial so I can be worth it one day.

    And in the end of this trial I realize I’m grateful for it. I look to those times where I was given a sign and a testimony loud and clear when I’m beginning to doubt. And I’ve doubted. I was proud enough to think blessings would rain down on me immediately after this big step. They didn’t, at least not in the form I had expected. I’ve dated in the YSA ward but there hasn’t been anyone I’m seriously in to. In fact I almost find myself incapable of emotionally attaching to anyone. I’ve dealt with crippling depression. I lost friends. People decided they would choose John over me. They decided it was better to have the partying John than the sober Beth. I lost direction in my career path. But among all these trials I now understand what is temporary and what is eternal. It was the most alone I had ever felt. But I finally knew I wasn’t really ever alone.

                   I had to go through my own repentance process with the bishop. (Farnsworth then Thurston) It was scary. But I now love and feel the atonement for real. Every time I pray, I thank Heavenly Father for Christ’s atonement. I needed the atonement then, and I need it now. My testimony in the atonement holds me over when my testimony in other aspects is less stable. My testimony of the eternal nature of being is so strong. My testimony of Christ’s personal relationship to us through prayer is tangible.

                   I love Christ. I feel him there because he knows my pain. He’s been my friend when all hope was gone. I’m not completely myself again but I find joy in reaching out to those who I sense also feel alone, damaged, or scared. My trial has given me an ability to reach out to those in pain just as Christ does. And I feel real, Christ-like love that I’ve never felt before. I look at people with a new light now because of it.  I try to understand the principle of forgiveness because I need it. I long to maintain an eternal perspective because I knew what challenges there were to face on Earth yet I boldly said I was ready to do it. And I will continue to do so.

                   I look forward to the day I can look back and understand the ‘why’ of my experiences and trials. But for now I will press on with hope and gratitude. I know my Savior lives. I hope I never doubt it! I hope I never forget. I am so grateful for the hard times. I’m grateful for humility and for this clarity. I’m so grateful for my story.

    Elisabeth Brooke Cannon

  • What to do with all the Love

    What to do with all the Love

    I was meditating and thanking God for all He has given me in this life.  It was the day after Thanksgiving.  I had just watched Ivy with so much love around her, as detailed in Love has Afforded Me Much.  Ivy was surrounded by aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, cousins, second cousins, great uncles, great aunts and the list goes on.  She was receiving so much love.

    That visual again brought me to realizing and remembering that was me 30 years ago.  I was the one having love poured out on me.  It brought me to a repeated thought: what did I do to deserve this?

    What did I do to deserve the family I was born into?  Now, how lucky I am to be one half of the uniting of two families – the Quackenbushes and the Cannons.  How blessed will Ivy be from a life of love from those two extended families she’s been born into? 

    How blessed have I been from being born into the Leaches and the Quackenbushes? An un-quantifiable amount of blessed.

    Where does that blessing come from?  Where does it stem from?  What was the catalyst of this blessed, love-filled life I’ve been given?  The catalyst, the starting point, is the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Three of my four grandparents converted to the church.  My fourth grandparent came from a faithful family back to the days of Joseph Smith.  I am forever grateful for my grandparents and the generations of love and family they’ve created.

    A similar story can be said from Beth’s side of the family, the Cannons and Vauterlauses.

    The thought that occurred to me while meditating, to add to how Love has Afforded me Much, was this: I started to pray to God to please bless all those who didn’t have all the love Ivy had on Thanksgiving Day.  All those who don’t have great family dynamics, who feel lonely, who feel lost, who feel afraid; I asked God to let them feel His love.  I asked Him to spare no angels in pouring out blessings on those who don’t feel loved in this world.

    Then it occurred to me.  Love has Afforded me Much.  God has given me a surplus of love.  A love I can’t quantify.  It’s my responsibility to share that excess of love I’ve been blessed with, with God’s children, my brothers and sisters across the globe.  I pray that I can share the love that’s been given to me with those around me.

    I believe the greatest thing I can do to share that love, the greatest thing any one of us can do that have been given (Luke 12:48) so (D&C 82:3) much (Boyd K. Packer), is to share the source of that love.  The source of that love is Jesus Christ, His Gospel, His Church.  It is our responsibility to share with others what has blessed us so.

    Love is important.  Supporting someone, listening to someone, loving someone, these are all noble.  But what of generational love?  What of the love that permeates through families – of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren?  That’s what my grandparents created.  That love started with missionaries sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ with three of my grandparents, and with the gospel being shared to one of my Great Great Grandparents by Joseph Smith.

    I am grateful for this Church.  I am grateful for the blessing it has been to me and my family.  I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me this greatest of all blessings.  I feel a noble responsibility, a beautiful weight to share it with others.  My wish is that the world can accept Jesus Christ and experience the love he has to share. 

    I love Jesus Christ, and I am forever grateful to Him. 

  • You are Loved, You are Worthy

    You are Loved, You are Worthy

    “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”

    Think about that statement for a moment. 

    I heard this quote in a recent meditation I did.  The meditation guided this visual exercise:  Picture yourself as a child, truly picture it.  Picture yourself as a baby.  Picture yourself on someone’s lap.  Picture yourself being held, comforted, and played with.  Picture yourself laughing joyfully as someone makes a funny face at you.  Picture yourself young and innocent. 

    You don’t have to earn worthiness; you don’t have to earn love.  You are loved because you are.

    The next time you don’t feel worthy, picture yourself as a child.  You are worthy.

    This exercise led me to an even more powerful thought.  One that speaks not only to our worthiness here, but to our birthright and our eternal potential. 

    Consider Adam for a moment, the first man. When he came to this earth, we are told he was as a child. Adam came to earth meek and humble, a child-like individual. He had forgotten who he was. Who he was in reality was Michael the archangel, the chief angel. Adam was Michael, the angel second in authority. His authority was only exceeded by Jesus Christ Himself (and God, of course). In Hebrew the name Michael means “Who is like God.” This Michael came to earth with his mind wiped clean, with no recollection of his prior authority, no memory of his prior self.

    What about us?  What don’t we remember about ourselves?

    The next time you are insecure, unsure, or afraid, remember that you are a child of divine inheritance.  You are a prince or princess of the most High God.  Consider that for a moment.

    Not only are you loved and worthy of love, you are loved by the God of the universe.  You are in line to inherit all He has to offer (D&C 84:38).  Remember that, and don’t forget it.  Hold to it.

    We are as children here.  We don’t remember our past.  For all we know, we were spiritual giants.  We are spiritual giants.  We can be spiritual giants.  Embrace that identity.  Remember who you might be.  Remember who it is you have been tutored by.  The God of Heaven and Earth.  When we embrace this way of thinking and embrace this possibility, the difficult things of this earth become so inconsequential.  Our true potential is greatness.  May we never forget it.

  • Faith of an Atheist

    Faith of an Atheist

    I recently heard something I found interesting.  “I don’t have enough faith to be an atheist.”

    This statement came from a religious person who was speaking with a person who said they were an atheist.

    The religious person asked, “Do you hope you’re wrong?”

    The atheist replied, “Yes, I do.”

    The religious person replied, “Good, otherwise you would be hoping for something that is inherently bad, so that’s good, your hope is for something good.”

    Hope.

    Can we hope for something bad?

    The atheist went on to say that he used to be “very Christian.”  But he just doesn’t believe it anymore.  He doesn’t believe there is any life after this.  But he hopes there is.  I find that sad.

    What’s the evidence he relies upon to have a belief that nothing exists after this life?  He couldn’t say.  Just a feeling.  He just didn’t believe it anymore.

    I find that extraordinarily sad.

    Why would we believe one thing and hope for another?

    I’d love for an atheist to have this discussion with me.  Not to argue.  For me to try to understand.

    The religious individual went on to say he didn’t have enough faith to be an atheist.  He didn’t have enough faith to believe that the infinite amount of coincidences that needed to happen for this earth to be formed and for life to flourish on it, he didn’t have that faith.  It was much easier for him to have faith in a supreme creator that built and made this all work.

    I found that to be an interesting point.  Is it easier to believe there was a BANG and the jigsaw puzzle fell together?  Or is it easier to believe there is One God?

    You know where I stand on this.

    No Coincidences.