No Coincidences

Tag: growth

  • Yelling Coaches

    Yelling Coaches

    I grew up with a lot of yelling coaches. There’s one in particular I still have nightmares about. He was a coach who communicated in only one way: yelling as loudly as possible. I always had the feeling he hated me. As an adult, looking back, I haven’t gained a new perspective on this. It hasn’t become one of those, “He yelled at me to make me stronger, and he really did care about me.” No. I still think he hated me.

    I didn’t respond well to yelling.

    One of my concerns when I started coaching basketball 5 seasons ago was how I would handle yelling. As I mentioned in How do we speak to others, I have an inherent aversion to yelling. I didn’t want to yell period, let alone at my girls. I was worried how the girls I coached would respond to me if I wasn’t willing to yell at them. Would they respect me? Could I discipline them?

    What I’ve found, and I’m grateful to report, is that in my experience you don’t need to yell at anyone to get them to respect you. A quiet, private chastisement or loving criticism is 1000 times more effective than yelling or publicly embarrassing a player.

    There was one game I’ll never forget. We were beating the team badly in the second half, but it hadn’t always been that way. It was a close game through the first half. But as the second half got going, their coach started to get flustered. The coach was yelling at the refs and their players constantly. It was a classic case of a coach losing their cool as the game stayed close. This was obvious from my seat. As the coach yelled at the refs more, their players lost focus and started complaining about the officiating as well. Then the coach started turning their frustration on the players, yelling at them after turnovers or mistakes. I saw their team quickly devolve. Players were throwing their hands up in frustration. After every play, they were looking to their coach to make sure they weren’t about to be yelled at. It reminded me so much of my time playing for my yelling coach.

    That was the reason our lead extended in the second half until we were blowing them out. I always wonder how a coach can expect their players to stay calm and composed if the coach themselves is unable to do so.

    At one point in that game, when the opposing coach was yelling at one of their players, a player on my team who was sitting next to me on the bench looked up at me and said, “Thank you.”  I replied, “What?” and she said, “Thank you for not being like that coach and yelling at us.” That was about the best coaching compliment I’ve ever received.

    I explained to that player my coaching philosophy. Yelling doesn’t help. All yelling does is put everyone on edge.

    That same player, at the end of the season, gave me a card with a note that read, “Thank you so much for this season. I loved playing with you as a coach, thank you so much for being the coach. I hope you have a great time with your wife and Ivy” (this was before Sage).

    If you’re wondering why and how coaching is rewarding, there it is.

    So, do I yell? The season from this example (3 seasons ago now), I actually had to apologize to my team on a couple occasions. There were a couple games where I wasn’t proud of how I acted on the bench. I lost my cool, exhibited frustration on the bench, and sometimes yelled. One time I snapped at a player in the heat of a game. I felt really bad about that. I pulled that player aside afterward and apologized. At practice after a game where I got frustrated and started yelling, I explained to the team my philosophy: how can you stay composed if I don’t? I told them I was disappointed in my behavior and planned to be better.

    I hope that taught those kids something about accountability. If I don’t hold myself accountable, how should I expect to hold them accountable? I doubt they’d ever had a coach admit to being wrong. I wonder, how can we expect these athletes to respect someone who doesn’t admit when they’re wrong?

    One more story from this last season, our first at Notre Dame Prep. We had a really good team this year. We were 15-0 with two games to go. I knew this second to last game would be our toughest test. At halftime, my worries were justified as we were down two points. Throughout the first half I had to constantly reign myself in to keep myself from losing it on my players. They weren’t playing like themselves and I was disappointed. It was only after that I realized they were doing their best, but the lure of that undefeated season had really gotten into their heads. As I was walking from our bench to our locker room, I was prepared go crazy on my team under the guise of lighting a fire under them. If you’ve played serious sports, all these coaching tropes probably sound familiar.

    As I walked from our bench, I received wise words from Cameron. He said, “Before you go in there, remember that these girls have never been down at halftime.” He clearly saw in my face what was about to happen in that locker room. I’m glad he did. He saved me from what would have been a mistake. He was right. These girls didn’t need to get more flustered by not only being down at halftime but then getting yelled at in the locker room. How could I expect them to be composed if I wasn’t? Instead, I put a smile on my face, walked in, and told the girls how awesome it was to be in a close game for once. I then got into the things we needed to do better.

    Now, our team had some stern halftimes throughout the season. As a coach, you’re perpetually trying to lift your team higher, no matter how much you’re winning by. But, what would I have taught those girls if, in the one game they were losing, I walked in and blew a gasket? I would have taught them the worst possible thing – that habits, and effort, and sportsmanship, and accountability were not as important as winning and losing. That is not a lesson I want to instill in any young person.

    As for yelling productively, another fear I had, that didn’t end up being a problem. I used to wonder if I could coach when I don’t like to raise my voice at all. I quickly learned, that in the intensity of a game, I can’t help but raise my voice – to the players on the court, so the ref can hear a question I have, in the huddle over a crowd. This is what I consider productive yelling. My fear of not being able to yell during a game is lost. If anything, I need to tone it down. Those games can get exciting and intense and sometimes I’m tempted to run to half-court in the middle of a play to call a timeout because the ref won’t look at me (that happened).

    Productive yelling is good. Yelling to try to demean a player or to get their respect is not. Especially when that yelling is insulting or embarrassing, which it often is. I didn’t respond well to yelling when I played and it’s my experience that a lot of kids don’t.

    Winning is fun, but it’s not our primary goal as a coaching staff. These girls will all go on to have jobs, be professionals, get married, have kids, and do all the things that make this life rewarding and challenging. Our primary goal as a coaching staff is to prepare our student-athletes to be prepared for life. Basketball will pass. But learning to keep your cool under pressure, have confidence, do your best, and treat and speak to people with respect will better them for life.

  • Meaning in Religious Art

    Meaning in Religious Art

    This was an essay I wrote for a meaning of life through art class I took, thus the official format. I feel it was worth sharing.

    Meaning in Religious Art

                It was with difficulty I prepared to hypothesize about the meaning of life when I believe I know the meaning of life. It occurred to me that if I truly believe I know the meaning of life, and I do believe that, that it would be dishonest to write this essay in any other way than to state what I know in my heart to be true. It’s for that reason that I’ve decided to pick three pieces of artwork; a hymn, a mural, and a piece of literature to give a brief explanation on how those pieces portray what I know to be true about the meaning of life. Given my powerful belief of these principles, and the desire I have to share them in my life, it’s with excitement that I write this essay and explore the meaning of life through art.

    Religion

    It’s important to note that a religious individual cannot begin to explore the topic of “the meaning of life” without their ideologies, beliefs, and understandings that come from their religious upbringing having a huge impact on their exploration. I fully acknowledge that many may disagree with my conclusions and interpretations of these pieces of art. That is what makes art beautiful. Art is completely subjective. My viewpoint on the world will color how I view this art. I look to explore how my viewpoint shapes my perspective on these pieces of art and helps me consider the meaning of life.

    Hymn

                I’d like to start by discussing my favorite hymn which is titled “A Child’s Prayer” (MormonTabChoir, 2014). A main focus throughout this essay will be the emotion elicited through this artwork. I believe that art that makes one ponder the meaning of life is likely evoking strong emotions. I cannot listen to this song without strong emotions welling inside me. I feel a change come over me as I listen to the lyrics, likely because it’s this song I focus on when I most question about the meaning of life.

                “A Child’s Prayer” asks a poignant question: “God, are you there?” That’s the portion I ask myself in difficult times. The song unfailingly leads to the important statement: “Pray, he is there, speak, he is listening” (A Child’s Prayer, 1992). This is an important reminder about life and its meaning. The most important line in this song, and the one that most defines the meaning of life on earth is, “You are his child” (A Child’s Prayer, 1992). The meaning of life is to grow and learn and come closer to our Heavenly Father. This hymn is a powerful piece of art that speaks to the soul and reminds one of things often forgotten, but that will forever be true.

    Mural

    The second piece of art I’d like to discuss is a mural aptly called, Purpose of Life (Skemp, 1964). Purpose of Life is a simple but compelling representation of the cycles of life and what life is about. Like the hymn, “A Child’s Prayer,” this mural evokes strong feelings within me, and I believe would for anyone who strongly considers its message. 

                The painting starts by showing a child entering the world. There are subtle hands shown coming from the sunlight, appearing to gently lead the child into this life. The depiction follows a young man growing. First, he is at his mother’s side, then reading, and then getting married. These three quick jumps create a feeling inside. As a result, a question develops: is life really that short? The painting continues, showing the boy, now a man, working. The man is shown with his wife and children. The man is shown with graying hair. The man is shown with his grandchild.

                The climax of the painting is the man lying on his deathbed. There is light above him, and the same hands that brought him to earth beckon him home. What could better illustrate the purpose and meaning of life than this painting? The purpose of life is to live, love, grow, learn, and then to come home. As my eyes scroll across the painting, powerful emotions arise. I consider growing up with my family. I consider the family I’ve started. I consider that like everyone before me, my life is heading to the same place, a return trip home. This mural does a fantastic job of illustrating the true meaning of this life.

    Book

    I couldn’t write a paper about the meaning of life without crediting a piece of literature that has given meaning to my life. The Book of Mormon is an entire book that focuses on the question, what is the meaning of life? The Book of Mormon is a piece of literature that literally details the purpose of life (Book of Mormon, 1830). Through my study of it, I have learned many important principles. One of these most important principles that give meaning to my life is that God loves and cares about all people, and that includes me. Others include that God is aware of us and is watching our progress, this life is important and there’s a reason I’m here, and that God keeps His promises. These are the principles that give my life meaning. 

    In a world of chaos and confusion, these basic principles give me hope. They provide light to my world. I simply couldn’t write about the meaning of life without discussing the book that has changed my life, brought me so much comfort, and put me on a path that gives my life meaning and purpose. The Book of Mormon is eloquent in its message and is a powerful work of art that I believe to be from Heaven. I can’t read it without feeling that God is there and being reminded why I’m here. 

    Conclusion

    I am grateful for these pieces of art and the feelings they create inside me. It’s these feelings that tell me there is more to this world than meets the eye and that I’m never alone. Great art provokes thought and emotion. Great art can make one stop and ponder. Great art can make one appreciate beauty and see the world in a different light. As Cooper (2003) says, “art, like philosophy, is the act of bringing truth into being” (p. 109). These three pieces of art, the hymn “A Child’s Prayer, the mural Purpose of Life, and the Book of Mormon, are each art pieces that provide this purpose for me, enlighten my life, and remind me the purpose of being here. I am grateful for art that makes us look beyond ourselves, consider purpose, and even see eternity.

  • Letter to Grandpa Q

    Letter to Grandpa Q

    My grandpa Stan recently turned 90 years old. For his birthday, all his children and grandchildren wrote him a letter. This is the letter I wrote to my grandpa.

    Grandpa,

    One of my earliest memories was my first and only trip to Grandaddy Lake. It was horrible. Keep in mind, I was maybe 4. It rained the whole time. It was so miserable. But I still remember it.

    I remember hiking back after the long week there. It was raining. I’m not sure it ever stopped raining. I was walking through mud, and I was crying. Everyone else was hiking with big backpacks for the trip. I had my little toy backpack on, and I was crying about it, about the hike, about the rain, about the mud, about my miserable existence.

    You got frustrated with me. It was the only time I recall seeing you frustrated/angry/mad. I cried more.

    My dad took my little backpack. I still have a memory of my dad shirtless, hiking in the rain. He was hiking now with his huge backpack on his back and my little backpack on his shoulder.

    I looked around at all my aunts, uncles, you, and my dad and realized no one else was complaining. Everyone was cold, wet, and frustrated, but no one was complaining.

    This core memory has stuck with me. I like to think it impacted me and in some minor, or possibly major ways, has shaped me.

    The Las Vegas Quackenbush clan (my family) has never been to Granddaddy Lake. We have our modern-day equivalent. We now go to the theme park Six Flags Magic Mountain multiple times a year. It is a requirement that any future in-law go through the gauntlet of a 12-hour day at Magic Mountain before they can even think about being accepted into the family.

    When Beth came to Six Flags with us for the first time, we were all so happy because there was a high heat warning. The lines were great! Meanwhile, we almost died. My roommate came with us to Six Flags once. He’s sworn to never return.

    I now have two daughters that I joke, tongue-in-cheek, about needing to remove as much Cannon from (Beth’s maiden name) and insert as much Quackenbush into as possible.

    This is the Grandaddy Lake mindset. More importantly, this is what it is to be a Quackenbush. I take pride in my name.

    I take pride in you.

    I take pride in our pioneer roots.

    I take pride in the foundation of faith I have been afforded.

    I take pride in what you and Grandma built, for me.

    I take pride in what you and Grandma built, for my family, for my daughters.

    I want to thank you for choosing an eternal companion of from among the devoted young women of The Kingdom. That is a line from my patriarchal blessing. I was able to choose an eternal companion who is an amazing mother, wife, and person because of you. I am able to raise my daughters with a confidence in things eternal because of you and Grandma. I am able to see the bigger picture, endure, have faith, progress, learn, grow, and get better, all with an understanding of who I am and where I come from, because of you and Grandma.

    I don’t know what I did to earn the position in the family I’ve been given, but I thank you.

    I look forward to one day having a life review. I hope to see some or all of your life review and Grandma’s life review. I look forward to one day seeing all the sacrifices endured and trials met head on by Grandma and yourself so that I could have the mortal experience I have been afforded. You and Grandma are a foundation. You created a foundation. In this life I’ll never fully understand all you went through and struggled with so I could have what I have. One day, I hope to understand. On that day, I will stand, and I will kneel, and I will thank my progenitors, you, for what you did for me. We all will.

    Thank you. We love you. We are grateful for you.

    With all the love you deserve, and I can give,

    Brayden

  • “Education is not about obscure facts and little test scores” – Mr. Feeny

    “Education is not about obscure facts and little test scores” – Mr. Feeny

    “Education is not about obscure facts and little test scores. Education is about the overall effect of years of slow absorption of concepts, philosophies, approaches to problem-solving. The whole process is so grand and all-encompassing that it really can’t be threatened by the occasional late-night no-hitter. It is important that a boy spend time with his father.”

    Oh, the wisdom of Mr. Feeny.

    I’ve had some good teachers in my life. I consider Mr. Feeny to be one of them, even though he’s a fictional character.

    Quick recap of this classic Boy Meets World episode. Alan (Cory’s father) pulls Cory out of bed late at night to watch a no-hitter in progress in a Phillies baseball game. The next day Cory sleeps through a test. Alan goes to speak to Mr. Feeny to ask if Cory could have a makeup test. Mr. Feeny denies his request.

    It is later in the episode, during a late-night stargazing, apple juice session that Cory sits down with Mr. Feeny and Mr. Feeny gives the above quote.

    Education is not about one moment. It’s about a billion small moments.

    I often reflect back on that quote. I have read more in 2020 (the year I wrote this post) than any previous year. I don’t feel any smarter today than I did a year ago, I don’t think. But that’s not how knowledge-gaining works. It doesn’t happen over the course of a day or a week or even a year. Learning is an ongoing process. I hope to look back on the year 2020 and appreciate that it helped me learn things that would help me learn more and grow for the rest of my life.

    I look forward to learning into eternity.

    It is important that a boy (or girl) spend time with his (or her) father (or mother). What is the value of time with a father, a mother, someone who loves you? I believe it’s invaluable.

    The episode continues and both Mr. Feeny and Alan come to Cory separately and tell Cory that the other was right in their decision. Alan tells Cory Mr. Feeny was right to not let him retake the test and that Alan shouldn’t have pulled Cory out of bed. Obviously, the quote above indicates that Mr. Feeny approved of Alan’s pulling Cory out of bed to spend time with his son, despite not letting Cory re-take the test.

    Later, Cory is talking to his mom and he asks her how two people could both think the other was right, while seemingly disagreeing with one another. The lesson here is that the world is not black and white. There are many judgment calls where there is no perfect decision. There are many decisions that depend on your intent.

    Cory’s dad was not wrong for wanting to spend time with his son. His desire was good and admirable. Mr. Feeny agreed with that.

    Mr. Feeny had a standard he had long set that he would take no excuses from students as to why they failed a test. He couldn’t back down from that standard. His standard was set so he would always hold his students accountable and not let them down. Mr. Feeny had a good reason for denying Alan’s request.

    Both were right. Both agreed with the other’s reasoning.

    The conversation between Mr. Feeny and Cory’s dad was contentious. It ended with Mr. Feeny saying, “this conversation is over.” Both men ended up telling Cory the other was right. Why is that? Respect, introspection, understanding of the reasoning behind another’s viewpoint.

    We could do with much more of this in the world today.

  • Books in 2022

    Books in 2022

    It’s time for my annual list of books read last year. My 2022 list is down quite a bit due to some non-book reading and studying. I’ll rank the books from favorite to least favorite with a short description of what I remember about the book or what led to its ranking.

    Without further ado, here is my list of books from 2022:

    1. Marvelous Work and a Wonder
      • One of my favorite (and most important) books ever, so despite it being my third or fourth read, still has to top the list. This book lays out just how marvelous a work and a wonder the restoration of Christ’s gospel is.
    2. God Emperor of Dune (book 4)
      • This is the fourth book in the Dune series and comes ahead of Children of Dune and Dune Messiah.
    3. Children of Dune (book 3)
      • It’s hard to separate all these books, they blend into one in my mind, but I think God Emperor was my favorite after book 1, followed by Children of Dune. We’ll get to Dune Messiah later.
    4. 5000 Year Leap
      • This book was given to me by CJ Matthews and as you can see by its ranking, I highly enjoyed it. It resulted in a blog post which is a sign of a good book that made me think.
    5. Project Hail Mary
      • This was another recommended book, this one from John Safstrom. I loved this book, close call between this and the author’s other popular book turned feature film, The Martian starring Matt Damon.
    6. What a Difference a Daddy Makes
      • Yet another recommended book, thanks Mitch Waters who recommended this book after he heard my second daughter was coming. Must read for any girl dad.
    7. The Cuckoo’s Calling
      • J.K. Rowling is a modern marvel. I love her and her writing. While reading, knowing Robert Galbraith is a pseudonym, I couldn’t help but recognize her amazing writing style. This book was so good it made me continue on with the series and I’m currently on book 3, “Career of Evil.”
    8. Night Chills
      • Classic Dean Koontz, spooky and fast-paced. I recommended this to a friend along with a long Stephen King novel (Tommyknockers). The friend quit Tommyknockers and finished Night Chills.
    9. Dune Messiah (book 2)
      • This one drops a bit below the others because I think it was more of a transition book to keep the series going, at least that’s what Frank Herbert seems to have said about the book. It’s still ranked highly because the Dune series is so awesome and sometimes you need bridging books to make the next ones that much better.
    10. Eli’s Promise
      • Any book that makes me cry multiple times probably needs to be in the top ten. This book was a split between Holocaust and modern-day time lines, jumping around a bunch, which kept things interesting throughout.
    11. Herland
      • Classic book I never read in high school but when it was assigned reading for a class I took this year, I decided to actually read the whole book. Glad I did. Book is based around the idea of a women-only society.
    12. Ford County Stories
      • I really like John Grisham. This is a book of short stories focused around Ford County. You know an author is good when they take a topic you have zero interest in, like a small Mississippi town, and make you love it.
    13. Knees Over Toes
      • This book was tough to rank because it made huge changes to my daily habits and saved my Achilles, but can’t be rated higher as a book than the ones above it. Recommended to me by my brother Garrick.
    14. Simplified Husbandship Simplified Fathership
      • This was an impactful book overall but a notch below What a Difference a Daddy Makes (#6). Definitely made me think more seriously about being a father and husband.
    15. Silmarillion
      • I Enjoy the Lord of the Rings stuff, but the mythology can be a bit to keep up with sometimes. I really enjoyed the Silmarillion, but Lord of the Rings books in general are lower on my list due to their density. If I’m reading a fantasy fiction, I like to spend less time trying to understand geography.
    16. Book of Lost Tales Vol 2
      • See notes on Silmarillion, this one is more dense than the Silmarillion since the Silmarillion is like a mythological overview, which made it more enjoyable to me.
    17. The Book of Lost Tales Vol 1
      • The Books of Lost Tales are going way back in the Lord of the Rings mythology, farther than JRR Tolkien ever got published. They’re his son compiling his notes and other works to put together more stories. I enjoy them, but again, very dense and a lot of geography to try to understand sometimes.
    18. A Guide to Tolkien
      • This was basically an encyclopedia of Tolkien. Someday I’ll read the actual encyclopedia.
    19. Just to Illustrate
      • This was a collection of sayings from LeGrand Richards, thus the saying “Just to illustrate,” which apparently was something he was known for saying. Very much enjoyed this book. Though it’s low on the list, LeGrand is one of my favorite people ever.
    20. Faith in the Service
      • This book was all about members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that served in the military. As I review this list I realize I didn’t read many bad books this year. I really enjoyed this book, and it still falls near the bottom for the year.
    21. Mormon Reflections: The Path to Mountain Meadows
      • This was a fictional account of what could have led to the horrific events of the Mountain Meadows massacre. Made me think about things. Made me wonder what events could have led to people doing something so heinous.
    22. Joshua Man of Faith
      • This is from a series of books that details the ancient prophets. I read the Moses (# 24) one last year. I didn’t like this one as much as the Moses one. It’s hard to compete with Moses.
    23. Profiles of the Presidents
      • This was a biographical book of all the Presidents of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
    24. True to the Faith
      • Almost feels wrong having this so low, but it is essentially a textbook. A textbook on faith, but still a textbook. Weird having a book so low that I feel I should read at least once a year.
    25. What Da Vinci Didn’t Know
      • A book being this low basically means it didn’t stand out to me. I think this book was basically trying to get in on the Da Vinci Code movie hype. I don’t remember learning anything super interesting from this book besides that Leonardo da Vinci was “Leonardo from Vinci.”
    26. 40 Years and Marching On
      • Despite probably liking this book more than What Da Vinci Didn’t Know, I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything about the book until I found it on my shelf. A book that un-memorable gets demoted. It was a BYU studies book that was interesting but still bottom of the list for the year due to being forgotten.

    Additional reading:

    1. Book of Mormon
    2. Doctrine & Covenants
      • Finished Doctrine and Covenants sections 133-Official Declarations. Read alongside two student manuals.
    3. New Testament
      • Book of Matthew and started Book of Mark, reading alongside New Testament Student Manual.
    4. Come Follow Me lesson each week
    5. Did a semester of school and completed 15 credits.
      • Most memorable reading was Nietzche.

    Couldn’t pick my favorite for the cover photo, so keeping with tradition from last year: