No Coincidences

Tag: love

  • Embrace the Chaos: Parenting a Toddler

    Embrace the Chaos: Parenting a Toddler

    On the heels of my Mr. Feeny post I had a revelation.

    Growing up, I have vague memories of staying up late with my mom at a very young age. I remember sitting with her on the couch while she folded laundry watching Law and Order or CSI. While these are vague memories, they’re powerful memories.

    The last few months have been a battle with Ivy. I won’t go into all the details to avoid seeming like a completely incompetent parent. To give you a tiny glimpse into it, Ivy requires us to lie next to her bed and hold her hand for her to sleep in her bed. She’ll then sleep there for a couple hours until she wakes up and realizes we’re not there, then come into our bed. That lying next to her bed phase waiting for her to fall asleep can be 10 minutes or it can be three hours.

    I am completely open to suggestions on how to get your toddler to sleep.

    I will maybe try suggestions but more likely laugh in the face of any suggestion that implies you can get a toddler to do anything they don’t want to do.

    Beth and I have really tried to add some structure to Ivy’s life. Before she become a full-blown 2 year-old with all the personality and stubbornness of an aged mule, I think we did a good job. We still try to get her to bed between 7pm and 8pm. See the above paragraph for notes on “trying” to get her to go to bed.

    Last night, I laid next to Ivy for 30 minutes while she sang, did some sort of dance lying down (I just know her feet were moving a lot), went through all her books (it was pitch black), and repeatedly re-adjusted the holding of my hand. After 30 minutes I stood up and left the room. I had a Jazz game to watch. She followed.

    Beth went to bed around 9:00pm.

    Ivy and I stayed up until 10:30pm watching the game. We laughed, we high-fived, we hugged, we danced, we cheered (quietly), we cried (they lost).

    “Education is not about obscure facts and little test scores. Education is about the overall effect of years of slow absorption of concepts, philosophies, approaches to problem-solving. The whole process is so grand and all-encompassing that it really can’t be threatened by the occasional late-night no-hitter. It is important that a boy (or girl) spend time with his (or her) father.”

    Mr. Feeny

    I may remember that night for the rest of my life. It was not a no-hitter, just the sixth regular season game in an 82 game season. But I may remember that night forever because it was so great.

    This led me to sending my mom a text, which read:

    “I’m more and more trending toward your way of doing things. What’s the point in having a battle of contrition with a 3yo that I’ll never win? Trying to put her to sleep at 8pm and lying next to her bed for hours on end hoping she’ll fall asleep. Why? So she can sleep for 2 hours then get up and get in our bed anyway? Not to mention if she doesn’t go to sleep, she’s at her peak best behavior ever. She’s sweet, nice, and plays quietly on her own, only occasionally asking if you want to play with her. It’s all going to come back around anyway. Either she’ll nap really good today at school or she’ll go to bed early tonight because she’s actually tired (doubt it). It’s also kind of the best when she’s being so nice and we get to stay up until 1030 watching the Jazz, cheering, clapping, hugging, and crying together. Multiple times I made her jump during her quiet playing because I got loud. Every time she looked at me like, “Uhm, trying to have some peace and quiet over here.” So she gets to see what we feel like all day every day. I’m failing to see the true downside. Teaching discipline? Avoiding chaos? We’re way past that. You can’t discipline a 3yo. She does whatever she wants when she wants and dares us to do something about it. She’ll come around, I’m sure. But for now, just embrace the chaos, I think, is the way to go.”

    I remember those nights with my mom.

    Maybe Ivy will remember some of these nights with me.

    I always hoped I’d have super well-behaved, obedient, and disciplined children. I think, on the toddler scale, Ivy is turning out to be exceptional in those categories. BUT – the idea of a disciplined toddler is like the fantasy of a well organized and controlled tornado – it really doesn’t exist.

    I think the occasional late night Jazz game is way more valuable than discipline. I think.

    Embrace the chaos.

  • Does God get Impatient?

    Does God get Impatient?

    Sometimes I have heard the comment when discussing scripture that God “lost his patience.” In this way of thinking, enough was enough for God. The Lord of Lords and King of Kings had come to the end of His straw. His patience was lost.

    There are countless examples we can look to where a perceived loss of patience occurred. In these examples, our human eyes see a loss of patience. Examples include the times the Lord told Moses He was going to destroy the Israelites (Exodus 32, Deuteronomy 9:12-14) or Uzzah touching the ark (2 Samuel 6:6-7).

    Does God change His mind?

    Various Google searches of “Is God impatient” come up with many titles like “God is patient – until He isn’t.” I propose that this is not the right way to think about God. I lose patience with my toddler, often. We all lose patience, often. Does God “lose patience” with me? I don’t think so.

    Remember the omniscient thing? Omniscience=all knowing. If God knows the beginning from the end, how can He lose patience? He knows what’s coming.

    From this link during some of those Google searches:

    “God is never said to be patient about things or circumstances. Why? It is because He knows all things. He knows the beginning from the end. He does not have any need of that kind of patience. When we speak of the patience of God, we are not talking about enduring hard times; we are talking about being longsuffering toward people.”

    David Hocking

    Patience, like time, is a human thing. It doesn’t apply to God. We apply it to Him in our attempt to understand Him. But how can God be “patient” if He already knows everything?

    So why are these examples, where it seems like the Lord changes His mind, included in the scriptures? Why is the account of the Lord saying He was going to destroy the Israelites and raise up a seed through Moses, only to “change His mind” included in the Bible?

    The question, “Why is it in the Bible” is almost always answered, “to teach us about Christ.”

    Let’s look at the Moses example.

    Moses is talking to Jehovah when he pleads on behalf of the children of Israel. He is interceding on their behalf. Who does Moses represent here? – Jesus Christ, our advocate with the Father. So, in this case, Moses was being a type of Christ and Christ was assuming the role of God the Father. We were learning from this scripture that Christ is our advocate with the Father, the same way Moses was the advocate for the Israelites with Jehovah.

    We must be careful in applying our human traits to God. God is not us. He works on a completely different plane. We can’t comprehend His ways and it’s important, because of our lack of understanding, we don’t lessen His power and perfection in our finite minds.

    God doesn’t lose patience with circumstances. He can’t. He knows all the circumstances. He knows the beginning. He knows the end. God doesn’t lose patience with us. He can’t. He is perfect in everything, including His love for us. He can want the best from us, He can want us to be better, He can want us to make better choices. But He DOES NOT lose patience with us. He is longsuffering. He is loving. He is perfect.

  • Ivy Thougts Part 3

    Ivy Thougts Part 3

    It’s time for one of my favorite posts to write – Ivy thoughts!

    This is a good one.

    One of the funnest things about being a parent is watching your child start to mimic you. It’s in those moments that I get a snapshot into how closely she is watching me. The other day Beth texted me and said, “I can tell when there’s a habit you do because Ivy does it. Like tapping your toothbrush on the edge of the sink. I said, ‘Does Daddy do that?’ And she said, ‘Yeah Daddy like tap tap tap.’”

    Other examples are the words she copies. The other day she said to her grandpa, “Papa, come hang out.” Another time they were playing a game and she said, “You give it a try.” My favorite example showing Ivy paying attention and learning, she was standing at the kitchen counter while her grandpa cut vegetables. He set the knife down and she, unprompted, said, “Ivy no touch knives.” Ivy helps me put the dishes away. I’ll hand her cups, plastic bowls, plastic plates, forks, spoons and she’ll put them in the dishwasher. Early on I would start to hand her a knife and then pause and say, “Does Ivy touch knives.” Of course, in the beginning, she would say, “Yes,” and I would say, “No, no, Ivy doesn’t touch knives,” and she’d quickly say, “No, no, Ivy no touch knives.” So we’d continue and if I started to hand her a knife to test her she would quickly say, “No, no, Ivy no touch knives.” Glad to see the things I’m teaching her are travelling.

    I had Ivy for an hour while I worked one day. She sat on the couch and watched Curious George by herself for 30 minutes. 30 minutes in she wanted to work with me. I tell her she can sit on my lap as long as she doesn’t touch anything. She proceeds to touch everything and say, “Can I touch this.” This I accept, having played this game before, as long as she doesn’t touch my keyboard. Then she starts throwing things. I gently set her aside and tell her it’s back to Curious George. This whole time she hasn’t said a word about the bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs on the right side of my desk. I’m amazed until… 2 minutes later she comes back. She walks up to my right arm which is on my chair’s arm rest. She gives my arm a huge hug and says, “Daddy, I’m so proud of you.” She gives it a good squeeze. I say, “Aw Ivy, thank you, I love you,” and give her a kiss. She promptly reaches over for the bag of chocolates and starts to walk away. I grab them just before she is out of reach. I tell her she can have one. I unwrap it and give it to her. As she walks out she says, “Thank you Daddy, I love you.” Is this what being wrapped around a finger feels like?

    Ivy and I were cuddling in bed after a nap and totally out of nowhere Ivy looks up at me and says, “You have sharks on your water bottle, Dad?” I looked over at my water bottle and said, “No, my water bottle is just green.” Ivy said, “It OK Dada, one day when you’re bigger you’ll get sharks on your water bottle TOO.”

    The other day Beth asked Ivy if she tooted and she said, very seriously, “No. There’s just a bobcat in my bum.” The same day, after I left for work, Ivy asked Beth, “Where Daddy going?” Beth responded that I went to work and Ivy said, “Again?!?!” You and me both sweet girl. She had a lot of personality that day.

    This was one of those equally heartbreaking and also wonderful parenting moments. I took Ivy with me to an open gym for basketball a couple months back. I expected it to go well. It went as poorly as it could have. I had to leave early and it was the last time I took Ivy to open gym. In my frustration, after Ivy was upset and throwing a fit and crying, I told her I’d hoped I could take her with me to basketball more this season but that I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. Like I said, I hadn’t taken her back with me since. Recently, I was at basketball. Ivy saw me leave with my bag and ball. “Where you goin Daddy?” “I have to go to basketball sweetie, I’ll see you when I get back.” She just looked at me with the most beautiful eyes and content face. But it wasn’t the normal – ‘see ya later’ face. While I was at practice Beth texted me, “Ivy’s been packing a bag and saying ‘I’m packing because I have to go to basketball soon. I know you will miss me when I’m at basketball. I come back though.’” I realized I need to give her another shot.

    Apparently when I was gone for work an entire day Ivy kept saying, “Say what’s wrong Hero Boy.” So Beth replies and asks what’s wrong with Hero Boy. “I lost my daddy.” Heart. Broken.

    We’ve had a few days of complete toddler turmoil. I love Ivy. She’s been a monster. She’s in the stage where if you ask her not to do something it’s instantly the next thing she does. Not kidding. We’ve been letting her play Battleship. You know, like the old school board game. She sits and puts the ships and pegs in and plays Battleship with herself. On occasion, the little pegs drop and I had to emphasize to her that it was important those didn’t drop because we didn’t want to lose pieces and Sage could choke on them. Ivy got out of her chair, walked across the room to where Sage was, and started to hand her one of the little pegs. It wasn’t like the temptation was even there. Sage wasn’t right next to her. She had to get out of her seat (a lot of work) and walk across the room to find Sage and willfully disobey what I just said. It was like she was possessed by some irrepressible urge to do exactly what I just told her not to do. These are the parenting moments that are teaching us patience, I guess.

    On that note of Ivy being difficult and us trying to be patient – I was leaving for basketball the other day and it had been a particularly stressful day for Beth. I went to Ivy before I left and quietly talked to her. I asked her to be my best girl. To help her mom, to take care of her sister, and to be my best, sweetest girl. “Can you do that for me?” “Yes, Daddy.” Beth texted me while I was at basketball: “We finally had a quiet moment to sit down after a walk and crafts. I’m trying so hard and yet she’s being so difficult! Ivy has a cold drink and Sage is eating her dinner. Ivy looks up at me and says in a sweet little voice, ‘Mom, I am doing my best.’ I have no idea where she heard that or if she even knows what that means but it was so sweet and probably true so I told her, ‘I know, my sweet Ivy’ and felt a little calmer. The student becomes the teacher yet again.” Ivy knows what that means. And she’s amazing. And she’s teaching us so much, while we try to teach her just enough to survive and not choke her sister.

  • Discussion Before I Came to Earth

    Discussion Before I Came to Earth

    “Now, you’re going to get a lot of attention. A LOT. You will be the center of their world for years. This will give you a huge advantage in life. That early love will carry you for your entire mortal experience.”

    My upcoming birth and place in life were being discussed.

    “But, there is a downside. Your parents are young, inexperienced. They can barely take care of themselves. Now they’ll have to take care of you. They will make mistakes. Every mistake they make will be made up for by the outpouring of love you receive, but there will still be mistakes. You will have to grow up as they learn to take care of a child.

    “Also, being the first-born will be a huge responsibility. If things go according to plan, and they always do, you will be the first of many children. Your younger siblings will be as much your responsibility in life as your parents. You will have to answer to how you treated them, how you watched over them, how you protected them, how you supported them. It will start at a young age, but it will be for your entire mortal life. You will have to watch over them.”

    I loved each of them so much already. Of course, I would do that.

    “Being the oldest will provide many unique opportunities. Sometimes you will be a bully. This will be to teach you something later in life and to teach your siblings. Over time your relationship with them will grow and develop. You all will mature mortally and spiritually.

    “It won’t be easy. But being the first-born child will set you up to achieve your highest potential. It’s what He has in store for you. It will help you become who you can become.”

    This is how I imagine the conversation in heaven was before I came here. It would continue,

    “You will have a bumpy path. You’ve always had to learn things through trial and error. You will taste much of the bitter to realize how sweet obedience is.

    “Eventually we believe you will come back. Of course, that will be up to you. But Father doesn’t misread these things. When you come back you will find a companion from the devoted women of the kingdom. You know her already.

    “When the time is right, we will send you His choicest spirit. She will enter in much the same position you entered this world. Your wife and you will have much to learn, and she will teach you. You will be sent a strong, powerful, spiritual, kind, gentle, intelligent spirit to be a cornerstone of your family. She will be followed by another choice spirit, one who even now can’t wait for her experience to start. She will bring a spark and a light to your family. Your family will be stronger for the two pillars sent to expand it. You will be greatly blessed by your daughters.”

      Doesn’t this bring so much meaning to life? The truth of premortal existence speaks to my soul. I know it to be a fact. It is too sweet for my spirit to deny. I know its truth. I knew where I was coming, I knew who I was joining, I knew my wife and daughters before I came here. I was guided and trained for my time here on earth. I was sent for a purpose. I believe I’m still learning that purpose. Every mortal experience I’ve had has led me to the purposes I’m finding in life.

      “Your purpose will be to come to Him. Because you will taste so much bitter, you will be able to help others find Him. This will be your purpose.”

      I’m grateful for this truth of premortality. I know it’s true. I feel it. I know there’s a reason I’m here. I’m grateful for that.

      https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/premortality?lang=eng

    • Of Goodly Parents

      Of Goodly Parents

      Over Christmas, I watched family home videos with my family. We played a video from 1994, a few months after my sister Adie was born. I was four at the time. I was singing to Adie.

      Early in the video, I was singing Humpty Dumpty, Old Mcdonald, and Jack and Jill. Then I started singing Follow the Prophet.

      Adam was a prophet, first one that we know.

      In a place called Eden, he helped things to grow.

      Adam served the (King!) Lord by following his ways.

      We are his descendants in the latter days.

      Of course, at that age, I stumbled through most of the song and got many prompts. King was my confident guess at who Adam served. My answer was as right as the correct lyric anyway.

      My mom joked while my whole family was gathered around watching, “See, we did teach you about the Bible.”  We laughed.

      I don’t remember singing that song to Adie when I was four, obviously. But that song is so ingrained in my heart and soul, it’s a part of my being. Watching that video, it’s a physical, emotional, and spiritual remembering. As an adult now, thinking about that song, it feels like it’s always been a part of me. After watching that quick video, I know why.

      Parenthood is infinite tiny moments. I know that every day provides thousands and thousands of opportunities to have an impact on Ivy and Sage. I’m grateful for the thousands and thousands of moments my parents impacted me.

      My parents have flaws just as I do. I pray to Heavenly Father that, despite my many shortcomings and flaws, I can have a positive impact on Ivy and Sage, just as my parents had on me.

      If you’ve read the themes in my writing, you know there are three things ingrained in me that I know to be true.

      1. I have a divine inheritance; I am a child of God.
      2. I am loved.
      3. I am watched over.

      I hope to ingrain these same truths into the hearts and minds of Ivy and Sage. I wish to remind them here of what their souls already know. That is the greatest gift I could give them.